Don’t go through life alone
In previous posts, I’ve talked about the importance of friendships. When we’re going through a hard time, we fare better with a friend’s support because we have access to a larger pool of physical and psychological resources. Just knowing that someone cares for you, thinks about you, and is willing to do tangible things to help you can make you feel ten feet tall. Someone has your back; you don’t have to fight the fight alone.
This is not just with friends.
Being seen and standing with
Given the political climate, there has been more seeing and standing with each other against the “isms” of society. We may personally know someone who is oppressed or the sheer knowledge that injustice is happening to another human being is enough to make us take a stand. This is not okay. We may be standing with strangers but that doesn’t matter. It is our way of saying they matter, and they are one of us and we’re one of them.
Social inclusion is key to our sense of well-being. Let me tell you how.
A ball experiment
In a social experiment involving sets of three subjects, they were initially asked to take a life satisfaction survey. Questions included items such as, “How would you rate your quality of life? How satisfied are you with your current relationships? How do you like your job? How hopeful are you about your future?” and the like.
They were then taken into separate rooms and two of the subjects were given the same instructions: pass the ball equally back and forth to each other and then eventually at the exclusion of an identified third. This third subject, however, was told that the ball would be equally passed between the three of them.
They did as told.
At first, it was pretty uneventful. It was an equal ball opportunity; no hard feelings. Over time, it became apparent that for one reason or another, the third person was being left out. This person signaled, reached up but was only passed the ball occasionally. At the end of the back and forth passing which lasted no more than a few minutes, they were told to re-take the same life satisfaction questionnaire. Can you guess how their answers differed?
The two people who felt included and were simply following instructions rated similar results as before. If they felt that life was good; life was still good. If life sucked; the experiment didn’t change their perspective much. The third person, however, had a more pessimistic view of looking at the world compared to just moments before: their quality of life decreased, they felt like their dreams weren’t going to come true, they were less satisfied with their jobs, etc.
All this from passing a ball back and forth with complete strangers. Do these results surprise you?
Social exclusion in your life
When was the last time you found yourself in a situation where you felt “other?” What was that like? What thoughts went through your mind? How did that impact your mood? What did you do afterwards? I can imagine this all depends on how important the social gathering, the relevance of those people in your life, how frequently this has been happening, and how you interpreted their cold shoulders. We’ve all been there; it’s hard to not be picked, seen and included.
You can pretend that it didn’t bother you, but it did. You can hide that it hurts, but it still hurts.
Extending the invitation
Knowing how that feels, what if you can make your community a little more inviting? Who’s in your circle and how are you including them? How can you extend your circle to bring in others? These do not have to be over the top gestures. Small things matter.
For example, when was the last time you were in a conversation in a group and you noticed someone on the outskirts and you simply left them there? You were not intentionally being rude but you also didn’t make any effort to include them. What if you locked eyes with that person from time to time? What if you asked them a question and brought them into the conversation? What if a smile made the other’s world a less lonely place?
In case you feel “other”
If you feel “other” and you’re having a hard time integrating into your community, we’re here for you. Here at People Bloom, we’re all about helping you grow your tribe: the people who will be there for you when we’re no longer in your life. I help couples connect and cancer patients heal. Bob helps teens and young adults find their way through their home, school, work and social life. We hope to meet you!
Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice in WA. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. She’s guilty as charged when it comes to remembering how she has left someone on the outskirts. She’s going to change that in the next two weeks.