self-care

What My Husband Taught Me About Self-Care

Photo by twinsfisch on Unsplash

Photo by twinsfisch on Unsplash

It’s been a while

Last week, I woke up with a bad sore throat. It came suddenly, overnight, even though I tried to remedy it in the middle of the night. I verified that pharyngitis is contagious and I either canceled or moved my appointments online. I also gave the people I had scheduled the day after a heads up.

You see, I haven’t been sick like this for almost two years. I remember so because I wrote about it here. As a result, I wish to get better asap, but somehow, I thought I could get better by doing just as much as always...

But, the to-do list!

I had little human contact that day and grocery shopped for food. I added to the pile of dishes in the sink and later on, made a further mess of the kitchen by boiling oatmeal over our gas stovetop. Twice.

Spending most of the day at home, I thought, Well, there’s laundry to do. I can unload the dishes and empty the sink. I can make congee. I can work on the copy on my website. The list goes on. At the end, I did none of that. I crashed on the couch until my husband came home and I told him I hardly did anything. “That’s good. You’re not supposed to. You should be resting.”

Learning from my husband

Then I remember the times when he has been sick and he indeed did very little. He worked minimally, ate, napped and watched episodes on the couch, day after day. He focused his energy on resting and recovering. In fact, when he’s stressed and he still needs to take out the garbage, he will do just that: take out the garbage and leave the recycling for next week. He attended to his priorities and waited on the less important tasks. 

While I can imagine this turning into an argument for some couples, like, “If you’d only help out around the house more!” or, “How am I supposed to know what you need when you’re sick?” I saw it as an opportunity to learn from my husband about self-care.

Not my usual self

Because I haven’t been sick for a while, I’d forgotten how tiring it can be. I don’t have the same level of energy and my mind doesn’t work the same way. Just because I have the time does not mean I can. Just because I can does not mean I should.

My husband encouraged me to cancel my engagements the next day so I could fully rest. I still ended up going to my morning appointment and slipped into the office for some computer work. I did cancel the date to hang out with a nine year old, though by mid-afternoon, I thought about resuming the date because I felt like I could. I’m glad I didn’t. By the time I got home, I was exhausted again. I was on an unexpected call and did a load of laundry that could’ve waited.

Apparently, I haven’t learned my lesson. Head knowledge doesn’t always transfer into actions taken.

Still wanting more

Alas, the next day, I slept in but woke up to learning that one of my favorite local artists will be hosting a booth at the Oddmall in Monroe! We also bought tickets to see Westside Story midday. “Can we do both?” I said enthusiastically, only about 70% recovered. “They’re in opposite directions. It’ll be too much for you to do both,” answered my husband. As if I’d forgotten everything that has transpired the last two days.

So we had a sad, but amazing experience at the musical, got a dinner takeout and came home. I left the dishes and stove cleaning to him and was able to sustain energy until later that evening.

Asking for what I need and want

Aside from doing less and giving myself the permission to rest, I also learned the importance of being clear with my requests, especially when I have less emotional and physical bandwidth. “Hon, I’ll need the pot to make congee. Can you please do the dishes by tomorrow?” This is a more vulnerable and direct ask, compared to, “You’re going to do the dishes, right?” When he doesn’t know my needs, the why and the when, then he isn’t given the opportunity to meet them. He also doesn’t understand why I get upset every time I pass by the boatload in the sink. It’s not just about the dishes. It’s much more than that.

My simplified life

As you read this, you might be thinking, But Ada, you don’t have kids! When you have kids, you don’t get to rest! It’s true, we’re a household of two and our lives are simpler. What’s more, we hear stories from friends that when their kids are in school or daycare, they get sick half the year!

The thing is, while we don’t have little people demanding our attention, the tendency to push myself, to do just as much, to be short with my husband, and to assume that he can read my mind, are still there. At the end of the day, stress will suppress my immune system and an argument with my spouse is the last thing I need when I’m sick.

Flexing a new muscle

As I continue to flex the muscles of doing less and asking more vulnerably in my relationship, I wonder if you might be going through similar things. Just because you have time does not mean you can. Just because you can does not mean you should. 

The counselors here at People Bloom would love to help you flex the muscles of self-care! We can also help you with your relationship, so you can learn to ask more vulnerably for what you want and need.

Don’t wait until you’re under the weather to get help.


People-Bloom-Counseling-Redmond-Ada Pang.png

Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. When she’s sick, she likes to eat congee, drink hot water with lemon, and watch comedy. She’s sad to have finished the remaining episodes of The No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency on HBO.

The Emotional Roller Coaster of Tidying Up

Photo by tu tu on Unsplash

Photo by tu tu on Unsplash

Marie Kondo has spread spring cleaning fever across the nation with her Netflix show Tidying Up. If you’ve been watching and think you might want to venture on your tidying up journey, maybe my experience will inspire you to take the plunge. I read Kondo’s book The Life Changing Magic of Tidying up a few years ago and followed through with her KonMarie method to declutter my life.  

Don’t let the title fool you - there is no magic trick it; the process is tedious, emotionally draining and physically exhausting. But the result is absolutely magical. The KonMarie method helps you declutter with mindfulness and intention, and it might just be the most rewarding project you’ll ever set your mind to.

How do people become collectors?

As the daughter of an immigrant mom from the old country, I inherited a tendency to hang on to things. Growing up, everyone in my family had their own collections - I collected stickers and stationary;  my older siblings saved stamps and coins, my dad had his books. At the dinner table, we did not waste a drop of food and ate leftovers for weeks. We complied treasures at yard sales every weekend, and never threw functional things away, because “you never know if you’ll need it.”

Not only do I hold onto practical items, but I’m also sentimental - and not just for heirlooms from childhood or memorabilia. I’ll attach sentimental value to a shopping list from my adult life 10 years ago because it reminds me what I bought when I was living in that brownstone apartment in downtown Portland. If I don’t keep it, how else will I remember those days?

If your stuff is piling up and you don’t know where anything is, it’s probably contributing to your stress. But anyone who gets attached to things knows that their stuff is more than that. Stuff symbolizes important times, events, rites of passage, and sometimes it just brings us comfort.

When life forces you to make a change

My first indication that I had a problem was my fridge. You open my freezer at your own risk (of avalanche). The wake-up call was when my boyfriend cleaned out my fridge and found enough expired condiments and rotting food to fill a black 55 gallon garbage bag. Seeing it all in the bag was a shock!

I had become my mother.

I was actually upset with him for throwing away ancient freezer-burned food. I was strangely attached to it, because I bought it at some point for a reason, and I felt connected to it. And I felt embarrassed. A whole slew of emotions come out when you’re confronted with your own hoarding tendencies.  But I understood that my attachment to 3 year old frozen veggie dogs was ridiculous - and that was my turning point. Once the food was in the bag, I felt like a weight had been lifted. I wanted to face my clutter demons all over the house.

At the time I read Kondo’s book, I was moving from an 1100 sq ft apartment with storage where I lived on my own, to an 800 sq ft space with no storage that I’d be sharing with my boyfriend.  I had no choice but to downsize, which was a great motivator. If you’re about to embark on the great tidying, it helps telling yourself you have to downsize as you go through your stuff - even if you don’t. Someday you might, and if you have too much stuff, it’ll just be more work for you, later.

The Joy of Giving

Parting with my stuff was hard, but what made saying goodbye easier was knowing that my things would be more appreciated elsewhere. On the day I moved, I had a giveaway “free-sale” and got to see my old stuff spark joy in others. My Anatomy and Physiology textbook was going to a college student who would continue to use it. Craft supplies went to a kindergarten teacher and a mother of young kids. Tennis rackets were going to a couple of best friends in high school. My old pottery work that I wasn’t too proud of was going to be treasured in someone else’s kitchen. My stuff was doing a lot more good with others than in dark corners of my closets.

This brought me joy.

The decluttering process

The KonMarie method guides you step by step on how to part ways with different types of items, starting with clothes. Clothes can be overwhelming to sort at first, but become easier the more you do it. I had collected so many items in my 20s that I kept into my 30s -  vintage dresses alone made a mound that took up my whole queen bed.

It took me weeks to sort through clothes, and it was tedious at first. The difficulty came from the feeling that by getting rid of things from my past, I’m dismissing my former self. But the beauty of this method is that you get to honor those items by parting with them lovingly, thanking them for their service. While this may sound corny, showing gratitude was crucial for sentimental folks like myself who get attached to things.

I kept only items that “sparked joy” that I wanted to bring with me to the future. I got rid of about 75% of my clothes and have no regrets. Now I know where all my clothes are, and I wear only things that fit well and represent who I am now and who I want to be. While it’s not perfect, I take pride in the organization that I’ve kept up. That’s part of the magic: once you’ve started a system that makes your life easier, you never go back to keeping things in unruly piles.

Reckoning with your past and present

Sorting through old papers was emotionally draining, but the epiphanies I had as a result were truly life changing. I attach so much importance to papers. I used to keep all my homework, notes and essays from college. School papers represented what I learned -  ideas that changed me and helped me grow as a person. Would throwing away these things be a denial of my own identity? And was it even my identity now that 15 years have passed? Am I the person I hoped to become 15 years ago? These thoughts fully spiraled into an identity crisis as I sat on my bedroom floor buried in piles of paper, overwhelmed and emotionally distraught. When I watch the Netflix show and see people go through similar struggles while sorting, I realize how universal this feeling is.

When you find things from your past, you’re forced to reckon with who you were, who you are now, and all the ways you’ve changed. Going through it was an important ritual for me in order to accept my current life and let go of the past. It was time to forward. What I discovered was this: I can get rid of things and still know who I am, and accept how I’ve changed from who I used to be. If you watch the show, you see that other people find self acceptance through this process. The work is brutal, but they come through this process better in the end: free of things that used to hold them back.

How I parted with sentimental items: the power of one

I used to keep brochures from a good play, invitations to friends’ weddings, academic journals from interesting college classes. Written documents represented my life and I honored those times through keepsakes that spark nostalgia, but not necessarily joy. Ultimately, it’s not sustainable to keep everything as a memento.

I took the time to glance at each document and process how it made me feel. I chose the one item that represented each time in my life, or each person I wanted to remember best. I only kept one example of an essay from each important class, one love letter from each relationship, one birthday card from a good friend. I took pictures of documents and journaled how it felt to read old letters. I extracted the memories from items, without having to keep them - and said goodbye.

In the end I consolidated 4 banker boxes of paper to just one box of items I cherish most. I’m thankful to have gone through this, because now when I look at that box, I no longer feel the overwhelm, guilt and avoidance I used to feel. Prized possession are inside. There is something cathartic and therapeutic about going through old stuff. Once you do it, you’ll get it out of your system and feel better - like a good cry.

Loving your space and mental clarity

We moved to our first home since my tidying days, which meant that I got to bring only things we love into our permanent space. We’ve curated our things and keep only our most valued and precious items that spark joy. My partner’s favorite photos from art school and only my presentable pottery pieces are displayed. We feel at peace when we spend time in our home together. We have our spaces for doing art, for relaxation, for working. My mind is less cluttered as a result of a cleaner house. We can concentrate, relax, and breathe in our space, and this has done wonders for our mental health and our relationship.

If you’re feeling the burden of too much stuff, Kondo’s book is a good place to start. It could plant the seed for a magical transformation in your life.  

And, if you feel like your emotional life is too cluttered, call our therapy office. Our therapists will be glad to help.


Karen Lenz People Bloom Counseling Redmond Executive Assistant.png

Karen Lenz is the Office Whiz Extraordinaire at People Bloom Counseling. She writes blog posts as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. She is thankful to get to share her experiences with you. Her Tuesday evening plans involve doing laundry, an activity she now enjoys because every shirt has its place, and every sock has its partner. She hopes you can find your joy in decluttering too.



Goal Setting in 2019: Increasing your Motivation for Change

Photo by Luis Quintero on Unsplash

Photo by Luis Quintero on Unsplash

It’s the first week of New Year’s and a lot of people like you are thinking about New Year’s resolutions, goal setting, and life hacking in 2019. There’s something about a new year that hits the restart button for us. It’s 1st quarter again, the challenges of 2018 are behind us, and the hope for a new beginning ahead.

Last year, I rained on your New Year’s parade by reminding you of the realities of setting new year’s resolutions. This year I’ll share with you my struggles, how I keep at it, and urge you to move towards your goals for a better health, relationship, and life.

My burden to bear

It’s hard to pinpoint exactly when my shoulder pain started. Has it been there for six or nine months? Mostly definitely after the two fender benders. Being in front of the computer most days doesn’t help. Leaning towards my clients during emotionally intense moments doesn’t either. I wake up everyday sensing the pain in my right shoulder. I make every effort to sleep only on my back. Nonetheless, I couldn’t lift my arm in the morning without significant strain.

Not a very good patient

You see, I get PT and massage every two weeks. The problem is, I don’t always follow through with recommendations. PT exercises will only take 10-15 min to complete each day, but I’m not a very good patient.*

*took a break to do one of six exercises

They’re not fun, quite boring actually, and I need to rest in between exercises before starting over. Sometimes I go off to do something else in between, leaving the TheraBands wedged between closed doors. It wasn’t until I tried to go to the bathroom and wondered why the door was shut did I realize, “Oh, PT exercises…”

The costs of staying the same

Aside from the significant pain I feel when I first open my eyes, I feel like a crab fumbling around as I dress myself. I need help getting the bed ready for house guests because my arm tires easily from pulling and lifting. I feel the strain when I do meal prep, carry heavy things, and reach for longer than 10 seconds. During yoga, I couldn’t lower myself all the way down from plank pose without my knees also coming down. I hesitate starting Orangetheory not knowing if my body will get upset with me the next day.

What I’ve tried

So I’ve read everything under the sun about setting SMARTER goals*, goals that are Specific, Measurable, Actionable, Risky, Time-stamped, Exciting and Relevant. I even note PT exercises on my quarterly planner as a recurring goal. I tried to carry a TheraBand with me to work so I can do these exercises where I spend the most time, only to bring it home, untouched. I tried to set aside time in the morning before breakfast or right when I come home, but when that time passes, I’d tell myself, “I guess I’ll have to wait until tomorrow...”

The worst of it was when I tried to tie it to something that I routinely do, like, “If I don’t do my exercises, then I can’t floss either.” Yes, very strange indeed. Other people might have flossing as one of their goals; for me, I can’t go to bed without flossing. It just feels wrong. And yet, I did it one time because that was how much I didn’t want to do my exercises. I swiftly separated the associations between these two activities.

It just wasn’t working.

Why this matters

I don’t have an epic tale to tell you, one filled with a triumphant overcome, of a body free of pain and discomfort. What I will tell you is a daily reminder of why it’s important to do my exercises and why it matters that I experience less pain.

I want to spend less time commuting to this or that appointment. I want to be able to carry a Camelbak with 2 liters of water and to do so with ease when I hike in New Zealand next month. I want to start Orangetheory and see that my body is capable of healing from what has developed into more of a chronic problem. I want to put my arm around my husband’s waist like he does mine when we’re walking side-by-side.

The truth of the matter is, this shoulder pain has really limited me and I don’t want to live like this.

What’s working

I no longer set a definite time for when I need to do my exercises. My TheraBands are readily available and you don’t know this but I actually completed all my exercises for the day in between writing this blog. Every time I pass up an opportunity to do my exercises, I ask myself, “Why not now?” and use that minute to do a prep. I vary the order of the exercises so they feel fresh to me. Over time, I notice less pain, greater range of motion and that encourages me to keep going.

I still fall back into my old ways but I know it’s never too late to pick it back up. And, I don’t have to wait until it’s the beginning of a new year, the beginning of a new quarter, or the beginning of a new anything to do so. It can happen right here, right now.

But, that’s me. So, what about you?

Let’s talk change

I’d encourage you to reflect on the following questions** as you set goals for 2019:

  1. Why do you want to make this change?

  2. Are you capable of this change?

  3. How might this benefit you?

  4. Why does this change matter to you?

Can you remember why you’d be willing to disrupt your routine to make this change, even when it’s inconvenient, boring, uncomfortable, or even painful? What are the costs of things staying exactly the same? What might you gain if you put one foot in front of the other? If you give up soon after the new year’s, who is there to support you to get you back on track?

When you ponder these questions and answer truthfully, it’ll firm up your “why” for making this change. When you’re invested in the process and the outcome, it’ll increase your motivation to see your goals to the end. But don’t stop there: While you can read and think about goal setting all day long, the most important step is still taking actions towards the things that matter to you. As you eat, live and breathe the change you want for your life, ask yourself, “How do I like this new normal?”

You can always tweak and adjust as you go.

Change is slow

No one likes to take it slow. Everyone, to some degree, want things to happen yesterday, with lasting effects and little effort. Sorry to break it to you, but Rebecca Solnit, an American writer, says it best -

“Even earthquakes are the consequences of tensions built up over long spans of time, imperceptibly, incrementally. You don’t notice the buildup, just the release. You see a sick person, an old person, a dying person, the sight sinks in, and somewhere down the road you change your life. In movies and novels, people change suddenly and permanently, which is convenient and dramatic but not much like life, where you gain distance on something, relapse, resolve, try again, and move along in stops, starts, and stutters. Change is mostly slow.”

If you want to make sustainable changes that will last throughout the year, we’re here to help. We’ll be truly human, seeing you through your “stops, starts and stutters” without judgment, while moving you closer to the life you want to live. Give us a call today.

* Borrowed from The Full Focus Planner
** Borrowed from Motivational Interviewing


People-Bloom-Counseling-Redmond-Ada Pang.png

Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice in WA. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. A day after writing this blog, she went to her first Orangetheory class. For the next few days, she walked around the office like a crab. She will go back. “You’re not out of shape,” says Jake who checked her in, “We just need to get you feeling stronger.” So it is.


A Case For Doing Less This Holiday Season

Photo by Andy Chilton on Unsplash

Photo by Andy Chilton on Unsplash

I’m declaring “holiday stress” a national mental health crisis. I just read one of those 5 tips to reduce holiday stress articles, and one suggestion for letting off steam was to go to a private place to scream out all your pent-up rage. Really, Cosmo? This is solid advice for a med student about to take their board exams…but the holidays should never reach this level of stress!

The pressure we put on ourselves to make the holidays magical is massive. For many of us, it comes from a place of caring; let’s make it special for the kids, create memories, carry on a sense of tradition and obligation, impress others, and strive for perfection. The holidays are a people-pleaser’s dream come true and a perfectionist’s worst nightmare.

Manage expectations

I want you to try something. I want you to visualize how you hope your holiday dinner with the family will go. Do you have it? Good. Do you feel all warm and safe, picturing joy and peace, the kids caroling in the snow and the smell of gingerbread wafting through the house? Good news, you’re an optimist.

Or on the other hand, does the thought of the holidays fill you with a sense of dread, worrying about getting it all done in time, how to handle Uncle Bill’s political rants, or the kids throwing tantrums in front of the guests? Well, I guess you’re more of a realist.  

Ada, one of our therapists here at People Bloom once had a client who talked about Thanksgiving going “exactly as planned.” The turkey came out just right, everyone had a great time and no one argued. He was retirement age and that was the first time it has ever happened. Ada’s advice to him was, “You need to mark that on the calendar because that’s not going to be a common occurrence!”

At any rate, regardless of how you visualized your holiday this year, now I want you to erase it! Yes, you heard me; erase the expectation. Things never go quite as we imagine they will. Going into holiday festivities with no expectation, and with no anticipation of the worst will clear your mind of the worries. All you can do is face the next few weeks with an open heart. Have a plan, but be willing to hold onto the plan loosely and do your best. This brings us to the next question: how do you do your best without burning yourself out? 

Managing emotional labor

When it’s time to plan for the holidays, you know that if you don’t do it, it won’t get done. So you take it on yourself to do it all, and do it right.  I know there’s a part of you that enjoys the adrenaline rush, and the thrill of bringing joy and delight to your family. But there’s another part too: the tired part, the part that doesn’t always feel appreciated for going above and beyond, the disappointed part when things often do not turn out as planned.

If you’re running the household, things are busy enough. The holidays take busy to the next level, which can leave you feeling stretched too thin and wondering if it’s worth the effort you tirelessly put in.

Questioning traditions

If the holiday hustle and bustle leaves you tired and worn out, ask yourself…

Who am I doing all this for?
Do these people matter? If it’s distant relatives and acquaintances you only see once a year, can you imagine taking some pressure off yourself to impress?

Why am doing this?
Focus on what makes the holidays meaningful to you. When you really delve deep, it’s not about anything external. The holidays are about faith for some, as well as family time, gratitude and a sense of community. All the consumerism and chaos that go beyond this is societal, self-imposed and likely unnecessary/slightly awful.

What will happen if I DON’T do everything on the list?
So, there will be two pies instead of three, there won’t be a handcrafted wreath on the door, Aunt Gloria won’t get a Christmas card, and the kids won’t get 28 presents each. And everyone will survive. I promise the world won’t end.

Drop unnecessary rituals. I know you always made 17 varieties of toffee brittle to give to every member of the extended family. They treasure it when they receive it, but nothing in the world order is changed if they don’t get their sugar fix. Ask yourself why you feel compelled to do so much for others. Is it because you have boundless energy and it brings you joy? Or is it a sense of obligation? If it’s the latter, you know what to do. Or not to do, in this case.

A relaxed host is a happy host

 If you’re hosting the big dinner, take on what you can and let the rest fall by the wayside. You could tear your hair out making sure every traditional dish makes it to the table, but your guests will be more impressed by a simple meal with a relaxed and happy you than a decadent six-course meal with a stressed out, frantic and exhausted you.

If your holiday dinner is not already a potluck, consider making it a potluck. No, really. And don’t worry if a dish doesn’t get made or there is an uneven and ungodly amount of candied yams. Food is food! For too long we’ve worried ourselves silly balancing out the meal with obsessive precision! Even if things have been that way for years past, who’s to say it has to stay that way for this holiday onward?

No one expects perfection but you. Few people notice the lengths you went to for that perfect cornucopia centerpiece. Being known as the Martha Stewart of the clan just makes people take your attention to detail for granted. If they do notice that you’ve stopped doing something, that is an opportunity for you to explain new traditions and to focus on the things that matter more: relationships.

If you do less, the truth is, the holidays won’t look like they usually do, but the person who notices this most is you, and others will be forgiving - a lack of décor or mismatched silverware is the last thing on their minds.  Who knows, if your holiday guests notice that you are too tired to go the extra mile this year, there’s a good chance they’ll pick up the slack. And even if they don’t - the key is to know that’s ok too.

Asking for help

As the hostess with the mostess, you make it look easy, but gathering everyone together can be overwhelming, even for you. Make your life easier by asking for help.  It doesn’t make you helpless - on the contrary, it’s empowering to assert yourself and request a favor here and there.

You don’t have to do it all. Delegate tasks that others can do. People at family gatherings often feel like lumps on a log - restless and eager to help. Keep them busy with tasks that don’t need you - let them take drink orders, add festive music to the playlist, greet guests at the door and take coats.

Feeling present

When you do less, you notice more. I noticed how much more centered I feel when I can just…be among people who I cherish, without planning, controlling and feeling responsible for their fun. Gathering as a family is hard enough in itself - you already checked the box. You celebrated the holidays. Whatever happens, happens.

So take a little off your plate this year. No, don’t literally take food off your plate. Go ahead and eat that third helping of turkey. And if no one stepped up to cook a turkey - a store bought rotisserie isn’t the worst thing that can happen to your family. You’ll see things turn out just fine even when you let it go.

This holiday season, make this your new mantra: simplicity is key, and good enough is good enough.


Karen Lenz People Bloom Counseling Redmond Executive Assistant.png

 Karen Lenz is the Executive Assistant at People Bloom Counseling. She’s the office admin whiz - not a therapist. She writes blog posts as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. She is thankful to get to share her experiences with you, and she’s starting to realize that when things go all wrong at Thanksgiving, that’s part of the fun because it makes a great story to re-tell at every family dinner for generations to come.

Lone Rangers Need Friends Too: Finding Community in an Increasingly Isolated World

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Making light of loneliness

The only thing I can bring myself to watch lately is comedy shows. My latest fixation is on the Netflix special Getting Coffee in Cars with Comedians, in which Jerry Seinfeld takes comedians out to coffee. When two comedians get together, they commiserate about the state of the world and their fears and insecurities, but always find a way to make it funny.  Comedy shows remind me of the human condition which is this: We all struggle, and we all feel desperately lonely sometimes. This is even when, and perhaps especially when, we have all the fame and money in the world.

I know this sounds depressing, but it’s meant to be reassuring. We are all in this tough world together, so we might as well laugh as a way to cope.

If famous comedians with millions of adoring fans feel this lonely, where does that leave us regular folks?

We have all been there

In her last post, Ada made an appeal for social inclusion, urging readers to reach out to those who may feel excluded. It inspired me to pay attention to people who may not be in my inner circle, but it also reminded me of all the times I have felt excluded.
I was that painfully shy kid in school, so it’s a sensitive topic. It’s been 20 years since junior high but still feels #toosoon. And even as an adult, I have felt abandoned by flaky friends, like a loner on many a Friday night, or terrified of rejection when I initiate hangouts.

So, I wanted to talk about what this young adult does when she feels like the “other.” 

The loneliness epidemic

So many people live in solitude and wish they had more connection. We all know that feeling lonely is emotionally distressing, but science also confirms that it can lead to a whole slew of health problems. And conversely, people who are well connected live longer and happier lives.

We Americans pride ourselves on our individualism and place a lot of value on independence - that cowboyin’ lone ranger mentality. But we are social creatures, and even lone rangers need friends. Friendships came so naturally when we were kids surrounded by peers, but once we’re no longer in proximity of a social group, making new friends gets difficult. As we get older, many of us are worse at maintaining friendships. The fact that we're highly mobile and can move half way across the world also doesn't help. But, as we get older, our need for friendships doesn’t diminish.

You can try to counteract this disconnect with social media “friends,” but unless you’re using Facebook to decide where to meet the gang in real life, the social media experience can leave us feeling empty. We all crave acceptance, closeness, and meaningful connections.

Do you get lonely sometimes?

If you answered yes to this question, you're normal. Admitting that you feel lonely takes courage, because we humans have our egos to protect. It means confronting our social insecurities and realizing our relationships are not where we'd like them to be. We tend to blame ourselves for feeling this way, as if it shows that we're weak for needing others. So this is how it goes down: we feel lonely, we beat ourselves up for feeling this way, and we cope by trying to convince ourselves we don't need community.

It just doesn't work.

Welcome to the party

You are one of many lonely people. The irony is that our feelings of loneliness unite us all. Everyone feels this way sometimes, even people who seem to have it all. If you have a tendency to get lonely, studies show that it’s not your fault. The feeling of loneliness begins a vicious cycle: We crave companionship, and if we sense the slightest rejection, we perceive people’s reactions to us negatively and we feel more sensitive than usual. This further perpetuates our feelings of loneliness. Psychologist John Cacioppo explains this perceived rejection here.

The problem with the simple solution

Well-meaning acquaintances probably tell you to “just get out there and meet people,” enthusiastically suggesting that you get on a dating app or join a knitting circle. But it’s not that simple. Social interaction doesn’t necessarily make us feel any less alone. Sometimes the more people we are surrounded by, the lonelier we get.

Even people in relationships get lonely; in fact, a strained relationship in which you feel distance between you and your partner can make you feel more solitary than actually being alone. There are also the happily married couples who found companionship, but got so caught up with their relationship and family life that their social outlets dwindled over time.  

Want to combat loneliness?

It turns out, one thing that helps to combat loneliness is learning how to interact better. If you identify as someone who perceives slights that might not actually be there, a trained therapist can help you read social cues so you can interact with the world in healthier ways. You’ll see with practice that what we may view as rejection may not be so, and over time you’ll build up the courage to approach others, make plans, and interact with less fear.

Opening up

Knowing how common the feeling of loneliness is might help you be more open about it.  Try telling a confidant that you’re dealing with this, and they might just share their struggles of feeling isolated as well. Much like the comedians confiding in each other about their anxieties, we can find fellow lonely souls who may share our concerns. This sense of comradery is good for our souls.

You’d be amazed at the kindness you might encounter when you open up and show vulnerability. Here's a better cycle: Vulnerability can beget vulnerability.

Put yourself first

It may seem counterintuitive to focus your attention inward when you’re already feeling so self-aware. But try it. Take your attention off the external world “out there” and do things for yourself that make you feel worthwhile. Imagine a lovely guest from out of town is coming to stay with you. How would you treat your friend? Would you cook special meals, make their bed and keep the house tidy? Well…the twist is, that guest is you! Pamper yourself, respect yourself, tend to your needs. This diverts attention from your expectations of others and things that are outside your control.

Ease into the world at your own pace

As a lonely person, I used to try combat my own solitude by inviting everyone I know to hang out at once. These bashes rarely went well, and usually had two outcomes: 1) people would show up, I’d feel all this pressure to make it fun. I wasn’t in my comfort zone and I’d get overwhelmed and vow to never do that again… or 2) almost no one would show up. As a sensitive gal, I’d internalize this as meaning I’m unlovable as a friend and the rejection cycle ensues.

I learned over time that it'd be in my best interest to embrace my introversion.  I started small and continue to take small steps. I run with my strengths, not my weaknesses. I do better with an intimate crowd of one or two and I'm happy with that. 

Be true to you

When you’re ready to go out in the world, find what works for you. Do what makes you feel comfortable so that you can be excited about it. Your interests and hobbies make you who you are. Go find your people. There is a crowd for every interest these days and sharing your likes with others can be a gateway to making connections. Sites like Meetup.com allow you to find activities based on shared interests. Find art classes, lectures, or musical events that provide a structured activity so there is less pressure to interact. If you’re religious, try joining community events at your congregation.

There is no pressure to keep attending social events if they don’t feel right. But, putting yourself out there is a form of therapy called “exposure therapy.” The theory is, the more you expose yourself to an uncomfortable situation, the less white knuckling you'll be doing and more at ease you will feel with time.

The key to being around others? Enjoy the activity as your first priority, and if connections happen, that's the cherry on top.

You got this!

Meeting new people can be intimidating. Go easy on yourself and treat yourself with compassion as you navigate this strange new world. Having a professional around to help you through this process can make a big difference. Talk to a therapist for guidance if you’re not sure where to start. You know where to find us.


Karen Lenz People Bloom Counseling Redmond Executive Assistant.png

Karen Lenz is the Executive Assistant at People Bloom Counseling. She’s the office admin whiz - not a therapist. She writes blog posts as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. She is thankful to get to share her experiences with you, and hopes that her messy journey might resonate with you and make you feel less alone.

Words from a Mental Health Counselor: Why I Appreciate your Close Friends

Photo by  rawpixel.com  on  Unsplash

Friendships through the good and the bad

As I read and re-read Karen’s last post about self-care, what struck me the most is how much she and Emma have been there for each other. Their friendship spans almost half her lifetime and they’ve laughed through the sheer joy and silliness of being in each others’ presence, and they’ve cried through painful breakups and difficult medical diagnoses. Do you have a friend like that in your life? If so, they’re making my life as a therapist easier.

Let me tell you how.

Feeling disconnected in your friendships

Clients sometimes come into my office because, “I can’t talk to my friends about this.” Now, these are really close friends. Granted, like Karen has mentioned, some conversations are best left for the therapy office. However, the stuff that my clients bring up shows that they can really use some support in their community. My clients talk about feeling lonely, like they’re the only ones going through ABC when I know their experience is all too common. Or, worse yet, when they’ve finally mustered up the courage to say something to their tribe, it’s minimized, like, “Why is that such a big deal?! You should keep doing XYZ!”

It’s during those moments where you might feel both connected to yet disconnected from your tribe. Your friendships look close on the outside: you post lots of selfies on social media and you laugh like you’re having a grand old time, yet you leave these meetups feeling alone because you never talked about what really mattered.

Friendships that go deep

It’s easy in our Seattle freeze culture to keep to ourselves. And, when you try to get to know someone, it’s hard to go deep when you see each other only once a quarter. But, when you do talk about deeper issues, and you share about your struggle as a parent, your troubled marriage, or your difficulties at work, can you find some commonality in what you all are going through? Your circumstances might be different but those feelings of frustration, loneliness, or inadequacy are often a shared experience, if you’d only share them.

Your friendships are protective

My clients who have friends they can talk to have better outcomes in treatment. In moments of crisis, they have friends they can lean on and can call upon as a support person. During really difficult times, they know that they’re not alone in their suffering because they remember that Sarah had a miscarriage, Taylor was laid off, Eric is a single dad, and John and Becky are dealing with an affair. Their tribe knows suffering, and they’re doing life together.

Here’s the best part: when my clients learn new skills in sessions, some share with their friends and develop accountability for practicing those skills outside of therapy. If that doesn’t help with the therapeutic process, I don’t know what does.

Sharing in your friendships

Now I’m not asking you to go from shooting the breeze to sharing your deepest, darkest secrets. But the next time you’re hanging out with people you’d consider your close friends and you hesitate to share something, say something like this: “So, I’ve been meaning to say something but I didn’t know where to start. I don’t need any advice (unless you do), but I really need for you to take me seriously...” You might be surprised at how your sharing opens up more sharing and hopefully, closer friendships.

If you’re having trouble opening up in your friendships or you’re not sure how to best support your friend, you know where to find me.

Emma, if you’re reading this, I want to thank you for being in Karen’s life. I’m not her therapist but I can imagine she’s a better worker because of you and your influence on her life. For that I’m grateful.


People Bloom Counseling Redmond Couples Cancer Ada Pang.png

Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice in WA. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. She has a business idea to provide counseling services to friend groups so she can help build stronger, more resilient communities. More to come on that new endeavor.

There Is Such a Thing as Too Much Self Help

People-Bloom-Counseling-Redmond-Too-Much-Self-Help.png

Photo by Gaelle Marcel on Unsplash

Self-help? No thanks!

The year I turned 30, the life path I thought I was on took a sharp turn and derailed. The end of a six-year relationship left me broken. I was diagnosed with a debilitating autoimmune disease.  A nice Welcome to your 30s! combo set.

At the same time, my friend Emma was going through her own massive life upheaval. She carried me through my post-break-up identity crisis and I offered her support through a messy divorce. Emma suggested I read Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie. There was a time I would have scoffed at those cheesy self-help books. I never would have considered that codependence could be my problem. But desperation set in and I flung open to page one. Here's the short version: opening that book opened my heart to the wisdom of strangers, and it saved my life.

As it turns out, Beattie knew my soul.

I then jumped on the self-help bandwagon. I read all the self-care guides, journaled daily, and was determined to heal - emotionally and physically. The guidance of experts in health and wellness became my enlightenment. If I hadn’t faced some truths about myself, I might still be living in those dark days. My Before Self Help Era (BSH).                   

...

Putting down the books

Fast forward four years. As I sat with Emma at a coffee shop recently, I realized we were doing it again. Swapping our latest self-help tips, divulging our deepest flaws and sharing the new tool we learned for coping with whatever challenge we were facing at that moment.

I couldn’t remember the last time I hung out with Emma without psychoanalyzing and dissecting our behaviors and motivations. As we grew and changed together, and as life continued to throw curve balls at us, it was like we’d become each other’s therapists. Our quest for healing had become our common ground and set the tone for our friendship.

Now don't get me wrong, it’s great to help each other when we're struggling! And it’s also easy to dwell on our problems when we catch up - our problems become a topic we know so well! But it’s not our job to treat each other’s emotional pain, especially without proper training.  I trust Emma with my struggles because she is a great listener and gives the best advice. I try to do the same for her. But after all these years, I don’t know if my advice has been helpful, no matter how good my intentions.  A trained therapist would know best how to handle our respective baggage. It was time to stop letting the quest for self-improvement and healing consume us. 

As much as Emma and I thrived on each other's support, we were both feeling the burden of playing counselor. 

Finding middle ground

I missed just being. Emma and I have been friends for 15 years. There was a time when we didn’t analyze our every thought or decision (long before BSH). We were care-free and spontaneous. I know we can’t bring back our free and breezy 20’s. Or, let’s be honest, the days of drunken shenanigans. But, we can try to remember who we were then, and channel that feeling - before obligations, heartbreaks, and mortgages took their toll. We don’t have to constantly obsess and worry about whether we’re doing life right. Self-doubt is at the root of many of our quests for self-improvement.

For a moment over coffee, I can stop trying to fix myself and others. 

So I experimented: I decided to hang out with Emma and do things that bring us joy. We ordered pie to go with our coffee (guilt-free!) and reminisced about things that make us laugh. We walked to the park and played on the swings, like a couple of kids. I think our friendship needed that jump-start. Nothing was broken at that moment, and nothing needed fixing. 

Going against my nature and trusting my instincts

I tend to delve deep when I get into a one-on-one conversation. Keeping things light-hearted is out of character for me, so just having fun is a much needed reprieve. Whenever the conversation over coffee got heavy, I suggested to Emma that she discuss the issue with her therapist. We no longer dwell or talk in circles like we used to.

Granted, I’m still on this journey and have much more to learn. But during that coffee break I gave myself a break from self-improvement, from healing and processing. To exist, free of worry or a need for order and perfection. Ironically, it's self-improvement books that have taught me to be more present and live in the moment.   Maybe I'm finally learning to trust my own instincts - not rely so completely on the guidance of others. Could it be, I'm actually applying what I have learned in my search for wisdom and wellness?

What's your nature?

If you’re reading this blog, I’m guessing you are open to self-improvement and to learning tools to cope with life’s challenges. Doing the work to better yourself can be life-changing. It takes guts to face yourself, flaws and all, and it’s noble work to aim to be the best version of you.

But, if you’ve been bogged down by too much processing, give yourself permission to take a break from overthinking. It’s okay to put down the books, for as long as you need. They’ll be there when you want to jump back in. But for the time being, do the thing that brings you joy. I’m off to play in clay and to see if I can still throw a mug or two. Maybe Emma and I can use it at our next coffee date. If my mug doesn't come out perfectly from the kiln, well, it'll have my fingerprints all over it.

Taking care of you and your Emma

Do you have an Emma in your life?  The next time the two of you end up going down the psychoanalysis rabbit hole, save your own issues for your session with your therapist. If your Emma doesn’t have a therapist and she's open to seeing someone, you can suggest that too. It’s ok to lean on friends for support, but having fun and letting go of it all sometimes can be just as therapeutic as the best self-help book. It can also do wonders for friendships.


Karen Lenz  Executive Assistant

Karen Lenz
Executive Assistant

Hi, I want to introduce myself as People Bloom's Executive Assistant. I know you look to Ada’s  blogs for helpful messages and tips to get through life’s challenges. But running a small business is non-stop work, which means the blog sometimes gets pushed to the back burner. I mentioned to Ada that I like to write, and she kindly offered for me to contribute blogs during those busy times. I was thrilled!
I’m in the office business - not a therapist. I’ll share my experiences as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. Thank you for letting me share a part of myself. Maybe my journey will resonate with you, and we’ll get through this messy life together.

How to Fall Asleep When your Mind Just Won't Quit

Photo by gbarkz on Unsplash

Photo by gbarkz on Unsplash

Have you ever laid in bed and your mind is racing, thinking about everything from that spreadsheet at work to a comprehensive list of your deepest regrets? Sleep deprivation affects your memory, mood, eating habits and your ability to function effectively. If you struggle to fall asleep or you wake up in the middle of the night and start planning and worrying, it can seem like nothing will get you to the sleep state you crave. And we all know that worrying about not being able to sleep is exactly what makes is impossible to fall asleep. Welcome to the sleep conundrum.

I am not a therapist, but a busy bee like you with a lot of practice tossing and turning at night. But because I struggle, I also want to share a compilation of methods I’ve tried that work for better sleep. I call it a lullaby for grown-ups. 

For better sleep, change habits first

  • Don’t eat or drink alcohol close to bedtime. Have your last meal a few hours before bed.

  • Put away your phone or devices while in bed. Electronics are making your mind overactive.

  • Avoid caffeine and stimulants after a certain point in the day. For coffee drinkers, the cut-off for your last cup will depend on your sensitivity to caffeine. But if you struggle to fall asleep, consider finishing your last cup by 4pm, brewing it a bit weaker, or replacing it with herbal tea.

  • Create a bedtime ritual. You don’t need to devote much time to it to feel the positive effects. Set aside 30 minutes for yourself before bed to decompress. Tuck the kids and put aside obligations, chores, and screens. Meditate, stretch, relax with tea or a hot toddy, listen to soothing music or all of the above!

Get comfortable

Being mindful of your surroundings at night can go a long way. At bedtime, you get to reward yourself with rest for getting through a hard day, and you want to feel good. Have you ever asked yourself if you’re actually comfortable? Before bed, eliminate any physical obstacles that you have control over:

  • Body aches can keep us awake. Do what helps your body to reduce the pain - a cold or hot compress, or pain reducers if your body/doctor allows for that.

  • If you’re too hot or too cold, itchy or scratchy, adjust blankets and sleepwear accordingly.

  • Change your physical surroundings in ways that make you feel restful. If white noise is soothing to you, turn on a fan. If that sliver of light through the window bothers you, put up a light-blocking curtain.

Instead of counting sheep, count your inhales and exhales

Perhaps you’re lying in bed as alert as ever and considering just getting up and starting your day at 1 AM. Before you give up, try some of these tips.

  • Bring your attention to each body part touching the bed. Notice how your stomach rises and falls. How each arm makes contact with the bed. Notice how your neck feels on the pillow, considering the weight of your head. As you notice each joint, muscle and bone, you might feel the sensation that you’re sinking into the bed. Your body might let go more..

  • When thoughts start invading your mind and keeping you awake, redirect them and say “thanks mind.” Replace your thoughts with 5 second counts for each inhale and exhale. Breathe deeply, counting each breath in and out for a few minutes.

Thoughts will continue to come back, because the job of the mind is to generate thoughts. When that happens, “thank” your mind for doing its job and re-focus on your breathing and your body.

The wheels of our mind don’t always know when to quit. If your thoughts keeps creeping up on you, it’s time to reason with it.

Using logic to reason with your brain

Did you know the amygdala is the part of your brain responsible for emotional processing? In our hunting and gathering days, this region of our brain alerted us to predators and dangers. When our ancestors saw a mountain lion, they became hyper-alert, their heart would race, and breathing would speed up.

Today the amygdala continues to alert us to dangers that may not be real threats. Your brain doesn’t distinguish between the sight of a mountain lion and the deadline at work. The fear response is a residual protective mechanism to prepare you for fight or flight.

That said, here’s how to reason with your brain:  

  • Thank your brain for its service, and remember that the anxiety you feel because of your thoughts present no real danger: you will survive that presentation, family function, or interview. If guilt or past pain are the culprits of your emotional state of mind, remember they serve no purpose right now. Forgive yourself and others, even if just in this moment.

  • Ask yourself, “does thinking about this now solve any problems?” If not, your mind will find a way to deal with your source of worry during the day. Life will be there tomorrow. Thinking in terms of the best approach to solve problems, you can acknowledge that losing sleep won’t help anything. That said, don’t be too hard on yourself for having all these thoughts. Remember, they are natural. Your brain is just doing its job.

  • If you absolutely must think about something at night that you don’t want to forget by the morning then keep a notepad by your bed and write it down. Don’t go looking for the Notes app on your phone; pen and paper work best here.

Once you’ve leveled with your brain, get back to breathing

Continue deep breathing and awareness of the sensations in your body.  Breathing with intention is a no-brainer solution to any stress, but it’s amazing how often we forget to do it (or sometimes how to do it). Focus on breathing deeply, and on how your physical body feels. When you feel heavier physically and a little groggier mentally, then you’re closer to being in a sleepier state.
                                                                         …

If sleeplessness is a recurring problem for you, consider talking to your doctor and addressing potential insomnia or other health concerns that can affect sleep. Melatonin can be helpful as an option before turning to pharmaceutical drugs.

We’re all on this journey to make the most out of life but that requires giving our brains and bodies good rest. Wishing you sweet dreams. You can use some peace and a good night’s rest. 


Karen Lenz People Bloom Counseling Redmond Executive Assistant.png

Running a small business is non-stop work, which means Ada’s blog sometimes gets pushed to the back burner. As the Executive Assistant here at People Bloom, I mentioned that I like to write, and Ada kindly offered for me to contribute blogs during busy times. I was thrilled! Now you know I like writing, but I also love to garden, cook, hike with my fiancé, and play on the pottery wheel.
I’m an office admin whiz - not a therapist. I write blog posts as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. Thank you for letting me share a part of myself. Maybe my journey will resonate with you, and we’ll get through this messy life together.
                                                                        - Karen Lenz

One Simple Thing You can do for Yourself that’s Kind and a No-Brainer

Source: Giulia Bertelli on Unsplash

Source: Giulia Bertelli on Unsplash

So Valentine’s Day is over. All the hype about roses, chocolate and jewelry is behind us, for now. If you’ve been following my work, you know how I feel about Valentine’s Day. I wish that we’d remember to love everyday, to be less predictable in our gift giving and to send chocolates whenever. And, if you received a lot of love and attention on Feb 14th, I hope that tenderness continues throughout the year.

We often look to another person for care and for watching out for each other and extending mutual support. However, how much thought do we put into caring for ourselves? Like, the things you do for another or expect another to do for you - what would it be like if you did some of those for yourself?

Here’s what I mean by that.

I don’t even remember the context of this but I had to wake up really early one morning and the night before, I laid out a small thing for myself to help me get ready. The thing was so small I have a hard time recalling what the item was, but the impact was great. I’m not a morning person and when I woke up to this delightful surprise which I’d forgotten about from the night before, I was very grateful, to myself.

It was as if my husband anticipated a need and met it, except it wasn’t my husband; I was watching out for me. I still remember feeling warm inside, that someone loved me and cared for me. Aww, how incredibly thoughtful of you, I thought. That was so sweet. Thank you. I love you too. It was certainly a me, myself and I moment, passing the love around.

If this sounds a little foreign, it is.

In the way that you’d show appreciation to your partner if they did something nice for you, how is that different from when you show kindness to yourself? You want to make you happy; you want to tell yourself, “I love you and you matter to me. Of course I’ll help you prepare for the day, make coffee for you, drive you places, take you to do the things you love doing.” That’s a no brainer, except we don’t tend to think like that.

It’s a chore to do things for ourselves and sometimes, it’s a chore to do for others as well. We think we have to get through the day with these many to-do’s and we take for granted the privilege of being able to do for others, for ourselves.

The next time you find yourself grudgingly getting through the routine of the day, especially when doing the tasks that you’re doing for you, would you take a moment to do this: Instead of saying, “I have to...” say, “I get to...” and notice what that does. I get to lay out my clothes, for meI get to do a load of laundry, for meI get to cook a Blue Apron meal, for me.

Let me know how that feels different, if at all. I'll be here if you need more tangible help with self-compassion.


People Bloom Counseling Redmond Couples Cancer Ada Pang.png

Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice in WA. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. One of the most loving things she had done for herself lately was to buy herself some replacement socks. She has been wearing the same 5.5 pairs of cotton socks for many years, their colors fading and the wear and tear is evident. And, she has needed to do laundry quite frequently, or otherwise go fishing in her laundry basket at times. She’s very grateful for these new socks.

Ditch New Year's Resolutions. Set Intentions Instead.

Source: Pixabay

Source: Pixabay

The hype with new beginnings

A new year marks a new beginning, a new you, a new future. Or so you hope. This is especially the case when last year was a disappointment. You make excuses for why things didn’t happen, both within and outside of your control. Now that 2017 is behind you, you dig your heels in and you vow that this year would be different.

Be disappointed, again

So, what did you promise yourself at the beginning of the year? Chances are, you would’ve already broken it. According to research out of the University of Scranton, only 8% of people achieve their New Year’s goals. The U.S. News also noted that approximately 80% of resolutions fail by the second week of February.  No worries, if you’re reading this blog when it was first posted, you have about another week.

Same old, same old

The thing is, why keep beating your head against the wall but in slightly different spots? This year you wanted to eat healthier. Last year you vowed to exercise more. The year before that you wanted to save more money to pay off debt. They are all noteworthy goals, but they are hard to sustain beyond the middle of February.

What to do instead

Set intentions. I don’t mean this in a wishy-washy kind of way. Oh, I intend to cut down on time spent on Pinterest, but there goes another three hours! Oh well… What I do mean is putting your best foot forward and being serious about why you’re wanting to achieve this goal. If you’re not responding to every notification, then what would you be doing instead? How would your life be different? Why would you want that life instead of the one you're currently living?

When you’ve figured out “why” you want to do something, then plan for “how” you’re going to get there.

Caution: The “how” could take 500 steps.

Change takes investment

We don’t tend to think about how much is at stake when we’re trying to make a new change in our lives. Going with our previous example, in order to spend less time on social media, your devices need to be less accessible. You’ll likely need replacement activities for those three hours. You’ll need to notice the urge to pick up your devices and redirect your attention. It’ll help to notice when you’re most vulnerable to doing your old habit and addressing those deeper issues:

“When I get tired or bored, I use social media to wake or pick me up.”

“I just got into an argument with my partner and I went online to get some validation.”

“I felt lonely and Facebook provided some sense of community. Well, kinda, sorta.”

If the above were true, you’ll probably need to catch some snooze, fill your life with other meaningful activities, work things out with your partner and be in good company. Unless those things happen, your devices will be an easy go-to.

Ditch New Year’s resolutions

Given the complexities involved in setting and meeting a goal, it helps to ditch the expectation-filled New Year’s resolutions and set intentions instead. After all, if you haven’t gotten around to meeting and sustaining gains last year, what makes a new year any different? And, New Year’s resolutions sound like they can only happen at the beginning of the year. If you’ve lost momentum by now, does that mean you have to wait until 2019 to make new goals because the rest of the year is a lost cause? That hardly sounds rational. Finally, New Year’s resolutions sound like you have either kept them or failed them, which can feel very rigid.

Setting intentions, on the other hand, is quite the opposite.

What intentions do for us

Setting intentions is about putting forth your best for that moment, that day, and choosing to be one step closer to living the life you want. It implies that you’re a fluid individual with good days and not-so-good days and your best can really vary depending on what happened. However, you’re kinder to yourself when you deviated from your goal and you’re cognizant of what detoured you. The next moment you have, be it on February 6th or September 17th, you get back on track and you keep going.

Setting intentions is not about succeeding or failing. It’s about separating your last moment from the moment you’re about to have. What would you want to do with the things you can control?

May your year be filled with intentions that become nourishing habits over time. And if you need more help living fully each day, you know where to find me


People Bloom Counseling Redmond Couples Cancer Ada Pang.png

Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice in WA. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. One of her intentions for 2018 is to be early or on time to things. Tracing her 500 steps, this goal involves engaging in meaningful activities during the day and getting enough sleep. She succeeds some moments and not others and will keep at it again and again.