How to Renovate while Staying Sane and Without Killing your Partner

The pandemic has changed the way we view our homes. It’s a safe haven, a place where we live and work, and open up to host others. Many people engaged in DIY projects while spending an extended amount of time at home. Home Depot parking lots were full, even when other places were sparse. While it would be lovely if my partner and I were more handy, we once spent two and a half days and four trips to Home Depot just to change out an existing hood range. We also used three different drill bits and spent almost two hours putting up a pre-made blind. 

I’m not exaggerating. 

We have our strengths, but DIY projects that involve more than putting up a towel bar are not one of them. Thus, rather than spending many months half-assing DIY projects that we’d ultimately need to call contractors to come and fix, we knew we had to hire out. 

It can be really hard to write about a stressful experience when you’re still in the middle of it. That’s what happened when my partner and I spent eight weeks renovating this past fall, and I can only recount the experience a couple of months later. While we love our new home, and we packed, moved and set up without a hitch, the renovation was a different story. The stress level was a close second to other stressful events we’ve experienced apart or together.

We survived it without going bat-sh*t crazy or killing each other, but it was a long eight weeks, with many of the designs and decisions made prior to. Not-surprisingly, 12 percent of couples consider divorce while going through renovation. Part of this can be attributed to couples looking to a major life change to help save their already struggling relationship, but I can see why a home improvement project can put a strain on even a relatively good relationship.

With some lived experience under my belt, here are a few tips on how to renovate while staying sane, plus more tips for your relationship. 

Expect people to make mistakes

You don’t need to wait for the other shoe to drop, but expect that things won’t go as planned. The measurements were off, even though two contractors measured the space at two different times. Forty-six percent of the tiles arrived broken. The tiles installed in the inner kitchen corners were off-centered. Like, really off-centered. The contractor didn’t use the matching items we purchased and did their own thing. While some of these can be fixed, others are permanent. Initially frustrated, I’ve needed to learn the imperfection of it all as people tried their best to make our dreams come true.

This naturally leads me to the next point. 

Expect that you’ll also have regrets

Contractors are not the only ones who make mistakes; so can you. We thought we’d like ball catch closet doors, but now we understand why they were bifolds to begin with. I thought the tub would be too big but now it’s too small. I didn’t see how the countertop needed to be cut to accommodate not just the sink, but the matching cutting board. All this to say, we didn’t have experience to foresee these happenings but now we do. 

And that’s okay. 

Renovations always take longer

It helped that we were able to start on the demo a couple of weeks earlier than expected, but we couldn’t have accounted for the tub never arriving, the forgotten lazy Susan, or the shower door guys returning for the third time. We came right up against an out-of-town trip, so don’t do what we did! Give yourself at least a two week buffer. Try to not schedule any trips or guests immediately after the (new) planned end date. 

Enjoy your new space.

You will go over your budget

The costs of materials have gone up exponentially and contractual labor is in high demand. Renovations are just expensive. Despite your best intentions, you will go over your budget. In order to add a new sink, new pipes need to be rerouted. The kitchen will look more open if we also cut into this wall. Extra insulation was needed given what’s behind the wall. As our contractors billed by the hour, extra time and materials really added up. We made sure we saved a ballpark figure before we took the plunge, but even that was exceeded, thankfully not by too much. 

Couples often experience a renovation together, so the above tips will affect you both. But specific to your relationship, here are a few more tips:

Know your differences

It helps to know your differences going into a big renovation project. My partner cares that things function well; I care that things look good. He can imagine how something will look; I need a sketch or a picture to know what we’re dealing with. He wants to make sure there’s room to move around; I want spaces optimized. (Except for the shower niches, I wanted bigger ones or more than one, but that didn’t happen.) 

So, at the end of the day, when things don’t match or tiles don’t line up, but they’re still functional, guess who was more affected? 

It’s not a right or wrong, but it helps to know that we don’t experience the same situation the same way, nor do we have to. But we can still honor each other’s differences and how things show up for us differently. 

Let the other person lead in areas they care more about

When something bothers you, it means you care about that area more. Listen to that voice, give it air time, and ask to lead in that area. It helped that I narrowed down the design ideas and we made choices from within those limits. After all, I’m the person who cared that things looked pretty. My partner cared more about how things worked, so he took half a day to follow the electrician around so he can better understand how things were wired. That would’ve put me to sleep. 

I’m glad we complement each other in these ways. And even then, we were in constant communication. This brings me to my last point. 

Keep communicating, with contractors and with each other

For all the reasons mentioned, things will show up differently for you and your partner. I was more bothered by the aesthetics, so my poor partner heard about it more often than he’d like. And we had needed to learn that just because I’m airing my grievances to him, does not mean he needed to fix it. I only wanted him to hear me out, even if he didn’t agree. It was still up to me to communicate directly to the contractors what needs to be fixed, and to be present for the work. 

Some people really enjoy the renovation process. For us, we learned what not to do, some things about ourselves and each other, but mostly we are happy that it’s finally over. 

What about you?

Life transitions like a renovation can be very stressful. It can make the most adaptive person lose their sh*t. It can also put a strain on your relationship. We have therapists who can help you weather through these stressful situations. We want to help you grow through these life challenges, and for your relationship to come out stronger on the other side. 

Let us help! 

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. Of the few DIY projects she and her partner did together, she has learned that there’s nothing awe-inspiring about switching out can lights. It was best to keep her mouth closed.

Tips for your Relationship while Setting Up your New Home

No matter how long you’ve been with your partner new situations come up, and when they do you learn something about yourself, something about them. As mentioned, my partner and I recently bought a house and moved. It hasn’t always been easy, but it helps to be working together rather than against each other. 

Having a new space comes with decisions about setting up your home. What kind of decor and furnishings do you want and where? What style are you going for? Do you want a security system and if so, which company do you go with? While this is still a work in progress for us, we’ve figured out a few tips along the way. 

Decisions you make on your own 

Do you ask your partner about most items you want to purchase or is it a surprise when the delivery comes? Do you set things up on your own or consult the other first? For us, it depends on whose “department” it is, how big the item is, and how much the item is. My partner likes to tinker with tech and he’s much better at understanding the mechanics of how something works. Thus, he can be in charge of replacing light switches and setting up the wifi and sound system. I need to know very little about what he’s doing in those departments, knowing that he reads reviews and chooses a middle-of-the-road product for us. 

I’m much better at organizing and balancing function with aesthetics. My partner doesn’t care where I put most things, provided I can help locate them when needed. It makes sense I’d be on the one scouring OfferUp looking for used furniture with drawers to hide our shit.

There are some decisions you and your partner can each make on your own given your interests and skill sets.

Decisions you make together 

I once had a friend who decided he and his partner wanted a baby grand piano and while she was out of town, he bought it as a “surprise” for her. Plopped in the middle of their family room, it took up more space than expected. Needless to say, it would’ve helped if they had made the purchase together. 

When it’s an item for personal use that’s larger than a certain size, my partner and I talk about it. That includes a piano keyboard, an exercise ball, and an under desk treadmill. We also need to agree on bigger items that will be in the common area, be it a couch, a bookshelf, or our dining set. When it’s a more expensive purchase, that deserves discussion as well. 

Lastly, where there’s an overlapping “department” issue, decisions should be made jointly. An example being my partner put up an alarm sensor, which was awkwardly placed in the corner of the room. The alarm system is his department, but things looking good is mine. We ended up taking the sensor off, chipping paint, and repositioning it. One of us was more upset about the chipped paint. We’ve since decided that if it’s something permanent that involves drilled holes or strong adhesive, I need to be roped in. 

Knowing what’s important to the other matters, which brings me to my last point. 

Being okay with differences 

Because my partner and I are different, it helps to be accepting of the other as their own person with their abilities, liabilities and preferences. While my partner is spatially strong and able to visualize how something looks, I’m challenged in that area. This led to us having to move and re-move our couch and rug like six times for me to see how putting those pieces at an angle does not work. While my partner would jokingly say, “I told you so!”, I wasn’t able to visualize it until I actually experienced it. 

Another example is how we have mismatched bar stools in our kitchen because he didn’t want to get rid of the old ones while I’ve gone on to prefer a different style. We plan to just leave it as it is; it is after all our home. 

Going through major transitions together 

Be it moving to a new state, a new home, or starting a new job, life is full of transitions. We have counselors here who are ready to help you tackle these changes with greater ease. 

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. In the spring, she cares about weeding and making the garden look nice, while her partner is into setting up the sprinkler system. There’s probably more to lawn care than those things, but she has decided that’s a good start for newbies.

Tips for your Relationship while Packing and Moving

Photo by Brandable Box on Unsplash

Having recently moved, packing and unpacking have become top of mind. My partner has five times the number of books I do, and all the items in the kitchen are my doing. There was random shit in every section of the house; things we’d forgotten we had or quite frankly, don’t remember when and how we might have acquired them. After all the hustle and bustle, here are a few tips for how to stay partnered while packing and moving. 

Leverage your strengths and different “departments”

While one of you might be better at organizing, you can’t do it all. If it’s an area of the house that one of you is more familiar with, then let that person do the packing and unpacking. My mom often says, “Oh, that’s your dad’s department…” and I borrow that phrase from time-to-time. I have no business in trying to decide which books my husband should keep or how to pack stuff for the RV, nor would it be helpful for my husband to determine where things should go in the kitchen as the sous chef. 

It can still be a good idea to give recommendations like, “I think we should get a tub to organize our RV stuff in the garage,” or my husband picked out the spice drawer in our kitchen while I organized everything else. Other than that, it makes sense for one of you to lead a “department” you’re more well versed in and for the other to be okay with the decision made. You can still adjust and shift things when you’re settled in, but during crunch-time, focus on what you’re good at and the areas of the house you’re most familiar with and let your partner do the same. 

Know that at least one of you is a pack rat

In the early days of the pandemic, I Marie Kondo’ed a lot of my wardrobe, paperwork and memorabilia. After all, there were clothes I kept that I haven’t worn in years, worksheets that I can easily find online and cards from second grade I’d never look at again. My husband didn’t share my enthusiasm for decluttering. He said the only thing he wanted to Marie Kondo was the Marie Kondo method itself! 

And so, when it came time to pack, I had a much easier time. After a couple more years in the pandemic though, the things I found important to keep changed yet again. Now cards from twenty years ago also made it into the shred pile. My husband with his more varied interests and hobbies had more sorting to do. While I had, on occasion, made comments like, “Are you going to keep that?” I’ve tried very hard to focus on my pile and my “department”. 

It’s a-okay to have a pack rat amongst you. That’s most couples I know. While I would’ve wanted my husband to throw or give away more from his collection, he did the best he could given the stress and that was all I could ask for. 

Go at your own pace and work at different times

Packing and moving is stressful and couples don’t always have the same capacity at the same time. There were moments where I was knee deep in decluttering and my husband was on the couch on his phone. Contrary, when he was running up and down the stairs like a chicken with his head cut off, I was sitting on the steps on a call with a friend. We each worked to our capacity on that given day and had to take a break. While it’s easy to think that your partner shouldn’t need to take a break with his buddy when you haven’t even found the time to run to the bathroom, first of all, go use the bathroom. Second of all, if you’re both working hard towards a common goal - and some days you have more in you than other days and vice versa - then this is you, packing and moving together. 

What about you?

If you’re packing and moving or going through other life transitions, we get it! We have clinicians for whom this is a well-traveled path. We’d love to help you and/or your partner adjust to this next phase of life. 

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. She knew they weren’t planning to move when she found two Costco jugs of laundry detergent while packing. She took a picture to capture the moment. Sometimes it’s hard to take life too seriously. 

Tips for your Relationship while Buying a House Together

Photo by Tierra Mallorca on Unsplash

My husband and I recently bought a house! It hasn’t always been a smooth process and there was a lot of back and forth. But, now that this is almost behind us, I have a few thoughts about how the home buying process can be a relationship builder rather than a relationship breaker. 

Consider each other’s preferences 

I have yet to meet a couple where things mattered equally to them. One partner runs hot and wants to make sure the primary bedroom isn’t west facing. The other partner regulates temperature just fine and wouldn’t care either way. One partner likes a large primary bathroom; the other ample storage. For one, “I want an open floor plan!” and the other, “A sink in the laundry room!” As you consider your next home as a couple, take on each other’s preferences and advocate for them. “Look, you’d like this floorplan because the closet is separate from the primary bathroom!” “This can be your office on the main floor!”

I’d encourage you to be as excited about your partner’s preferences as your own. Put on their shoes and walk around in them. After all, there’s no better person to share space with than someone who considers and vouches for you, and you for them.  

Decide as individuals, separate from each other 

The home buying process is an emotional one. I recently witnessed a couple where one partner pushed to sell their home while the other dragged their feet. It created a lot of turmoil. Things were smoothed over when they found their next home, but had it not been for that, the rift between them would’ve continued. 

As you make a home purchase decision as a couple, talk through the process, but also take time separate from your partner to think about the purchase. It’s easy for one partner who feels more strongly about the house to lead the decision against the other’s wishes, which can lead to regret and resentment. How do you individually feel about the house? Are you, as an individual, ready to make this decision? Is now a good time for you?

If one partner in the relationship is putting on the brakes, do not proceed. There may be other decisions where you let each other lead depending on your skill sets. However, unless one partner is genuinely indifferent, or both partners are on board, keep looking.

I find it comical that my husband and I took turns being ready and not ready to put down an offer and did not proceed until we were both ready. While it can be hard to afford the luxury of waiting during a hot housing market, your future home is your sanctuary. It’s important to find something that’s fitting for both of you. 

Know your communication styles 

It’s common in a relationship to find one partner who is a verbal processor and the other who, for a lack of a better word, isn’t. While you’re playing the devil’s advocate, your partner hears that you don’t like the house and you all shouldn’t consider it. Or, when you’re just getting things off your chest, your partner is losing sleep planning and plotting to make these ideas a reality for you.

If this applies to your relationship, let your partner know that you’re just needing to talk this through. It doesn’t mean the house is off the table, or that they need to make something happen for you. Rather, when you feel seen and heard, that was the solution and you’re now ready to keep going. 

Remind each other to be realistic about your home purchase

Many people want to find the perfect home. Just as it’s hard to find a perfect anything, a perfect home doesn’t exist. Unless you build a house from the ground up, and even then things can go wrong, it’s best to be happy with a good enough house. If a house checks off 80% of what you and your partner are looking for, that’s a pretty darn good house! If you find your hearts keep coming back to this house as you tour other ones, it might be saying something to you... 

Our agent told us there are times when at least one partner in the relationship was so upset over something small, an example being the curtains were not staying, that they almost didn’t close on the house! The home buying experience is stressful enough; let’s work through these impasses so it can be a win-win situation for everyone. 

Stay tuned for other musings about how to stay partnered while renovating! As always, if you need help navigating your couple relationship through home buying, moving, parenting, or any other transition, we’re here for you. 

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. Through this home buying process, she has gotten to know her husband in a deeper way, and him her. She hopes you can find your way through various transitions with your partner too.

How to Talk to your Partner to Get at the Heart of the Matter

Photo by David Dvořáček on Unsplash

Change my partner!

Sometimes, couples come into our offices and they want to see behavioral changes: “He needs to not log back into work after the kids are in bed…” or “They need to go out with their friends less often!” or “I can’t stand her telling me what to do throughout the day!”

“They need to STOP!!!”

During these incidents, emotions run high and they get stuck on what the partner needs to do differently for the relationship to improve. As a couples therapist, I’m often attuned to what’s really going on underneath. What message does it send you when your partner does this or that? And even then, it’s much safer and less vulnerable to focus on behavioral changes. I slipped into a moment like that myself a few weeks back. 

Here’s what happened. 

Lost track of time

Husband plays online board games on Monday and Wednesday. It’s his time with his friends and I totally support him. One of these nights happened to fall on the second Seattle heat wave and we usually would move the portable AC unit from his office to our bedroom to help cool down the space for sleep. Husband is usually done by 10:30pm-ish, but on this night, he totally lost track of time. 

His gaming session was lively and I waited and waited and waited. Surely he’ll be done by 11pm. Right when I’d think about interrupting him, I’d tell myself he can’t be that much longer. At my wit’s end, I finally peeked in and said, “I need the AC.” 

Husband sprang up from his chair and said, “Oh shit!” apologizing profusely when he reached the bedroom. I was fuming and couldn’t muster up any helpful words. Husband then returned to finish the game, as he couldn’t possibly leave his team high and dry. It was at that time I remembered how it takes time for the AC to cool down an inside temperature of 96F.

Needless to say, I couldn’t fall asleep. 

What’s really going on

My husband came to bed eventually and I said the easier thing, “We need to set up a time limit for board game night so that you are done by 11pm.” Definitely casting blame, I was asking for a behavioral change to prevent future occurrences. Husband then got hung up on problem solving with me: “Are you saying I need to be done by 11pm or I need to have the AC in here by 11pm?”

By now, it’s late and pointless to get into a board game curfew. So instead of insisting on the behavioral change, I went to the heart of the matter: “I felt forgotten when you had the AC blasting in your office while the bedroom was steaming hot and I have to get up early for work tomorrow.” Husband apologized, said he got carried away with the game and asked that I interrupt him earlier next time. 

What’s different about this interaction is that I told him how I truly felt and he heard me, without dismissing or minimizing my experience. To tell him I felt forgotten was significantly harder than focusing on what he needs to change. It required me to be in touch with that hurt and to own my vulnerability. And, seeing his impact on me in this way, that tugged at his heart string in a deeper way.

On the outside perhaps the result looks the same, regardless of approach: We’d both work to prevent this from happening in the future. I can come in to interrupt him sooner and he can try to remember that if the AC is still blasting in his office at 10:30pm at night, the unit is likely needed elsewhere. If you look a little closer, however, there’s a difference: I could either try to micromanage him, which leads to emotional disconnection. Or, when his behavior has an impact on me, I could share what it brings up for me and how it affects me.

Because I did the latter in this case, he was receptive, and it brought us closer together. 

Future late nights

Last week, my husband came to bed late again, but this time it was work-related. I went into his office to say goodnight and asked him to give me a kiss when he comes to bed. The next morning, I asked if that happened and he said yes. He said I moved briefly but was otherwise asleep. It felt sweet to know that he remembered. That’s all that mattered. 

Go beyond behavioral changes

When you come into our office, we want to help you get to the heart of the matter. When you bring up what you want to see change in your partner, our couples therapists are here to help you go deeper. We don’t just want to help you change your behaviors; we want to help you feel closer and more connected to your partner.

Don’t settle for less.

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. As with many of these posts, her husband gave permission to share their moments of humanity. She wouldn’t be able to do this work without his support and his kisses.

When Families Differ and What Couples Can Do About it

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In my work with couples, I have yet to meet a couple who is exactly on the same page. As much as partners often talk about wanting to be on the same page, part of the work is first getting on the same book about the value of seeing things from the others’ perspective.

Is this the only way? 

Certainly, your way of managing this or that situation could be familiar and could have some merit to it, but does it work for all scenarios? If anything, this year has taught me that a strength in one situation could be a detriment in another. And, having been married for a decade, which is no small thing and also not quite long enough, I’ve learned that there’s more than one way to do things. 

Let me give you an example. 

It’s not what you think

When my now husband and I were dating, we flew to Hawaii to visit his extended family. In his late 90’s, his grandpa was frail but could still recognize faces and congratulated us on our recent engagement. He mentioned very briefly that he’d love a map of Japan to put on his wall, and my future MIL took it to heart. On a couple of occasions, (I call her mom now) mom asked my husband to remember to order grandpa a map of Japan and ship it to him. While we were still in Hawaii, I was looking up that very thing and wanting my husband to finalize it since he knows his grandpa better than I do. 

Before we knew it, we were back in Seattle and had forgotten about it. Then grandpa died. 

We’re never going to live this one down

I was sad, but the first thought I had was how we never mailed grandpa that map of Japan! Oh shit! We’re never going to live this one down! You see, in my family growing up, when my parents mention something one time, there's an expectation that it’s going to be done and done quickly. In fact, if I can learn to mind-read and anticipate what they might need before they even ask, that’s even better! So, when grandpa has clearly indicated an interest and mom mentioned it a couple of times, this was a big deal. So I thought. 

I brought it up to my partner and asked why he didn’t take it seriously. He then explained to me that his family is different. His family is not like my family. Mom mentioned it in the spur of the moment and likely had forgotten she ever said it. And lo and behold, at the funeral and thereafter, not another word about a map of Japan, as if it never happened. 

How interesting. A bit refreshing, I thought. Don’t have to anticipate needs. If it’s really important, then it’ll be conveyed as such and we’d know to take it seriously. Otherwise, it would’ve been nice but otherwise not necessary. 

I can relax a bit. 

Not in my family

Just last month, my Papa’s family friend in the Bay area moved into a nursing facility. Now 90, he’s still getting around but has a lot of aches and pains. Papa has been advocating for this massage gun that he has gotten off Amazon and has been telling everyone about how it does wonders! Eager to care for this “uncle,” Papa in Canada promptly WhatsApped me the screenshots of this massage gun, along with his friend’s new address, so I can order and ship it from Amazon US. 

You see, this is not a it-would-be-nice-if-I-can kind of situation. It is a I-better-get-this-item-to-this-uncle-before-he-croaks-or-else kind of scenario. It doesn’t matter if this “uncle” ends up using it or whether it’ll be helpful to him. Papa wants it done, it needs to be done. After adding a nice gift message, I had it shipped the following day and Papa confirmed that it was received. 

Effort made. Loop closed. I haven’t been disowned. Okay, so being disowned is probably too strong of a word, but you get what I mean. Maybe. 

A nice combination 

The thing is, there’s not right or wrong, good or bad. Families are different and there are pros and cons to each. Over time, my husband has taught me to not care as much because it is tiring to feel like I’m responsible for making things happen. On the other hand, I’ve modeled for my husband to be thoughtful and prompt in situations where it matters. There’s a time and a place to read between the lines but hopefully it’s not all the time. That’s a nice combination. 

Differences in your family 

Rather than having you twist into a pretzel to meet the needs of two or more sets of families in the way that you know how, what would it be like to follow your partner’s lead and do it their way? What possibilities will that bring? What can you unlearn and relearn about differing values and expectations in that process? 

Many of the couples we work with come in with these differences, and more. Let us know if we can help you get on the same book. 

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. She and her husband complement each other. They joke that between the two of them, they worry about everything. 

5 Ways to Spread Love During a Pandemic

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I love my friends and family. But I sometimes neglect to show it. It’s not enough to feel it. People need to receive help and support from others - now more than ever. Isolation and loneliness is common in modern life, but during a pandemic it’s rampant. Just checking in on someone and reminding them that you care can lift their spirit out of a depression spiral.

I have to admit I haven’t been in a very giving mood lately. I’ve been so caught up in my own worries and the state of the world, thinking of others’ needs has felt draining. But the season of love has reminded me of all the rituals we used to do to show love for each other, and it’s important to continue to extend love and care. Valentine's day isn’t just for couples! Single folks and coupled ones alike can find fun ways to share the love.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve felt that giving presents can be more fun than receiving. Receiving a gift can feel awkward - I sometimes feel like I’m being put on the spot. But coming up with personalized gifts for loved ones can make you feel warm all over.

Here are 5 easy ways to show you care - even when it doesn’t come naturally

1. Do something to help a neighbor: shovel their walkway, offer to go on a grocery run. If you’re not sure what will help, ask what they need to feel supported. 

2. Send a postcard to a loved one letting them know you’re thinking of them - from whatever city you’re at. You’re stuck wherever you are - but most everyone else is too! When no one is traveling anyway, tell your friends something about your home base they don’t know and share what you’re doing to pass the time at home.

3. Get crafty. Make something for your friends or partner even if it feels silly. If you’re not feeling very artsy or inspired, use a kit like a terrarium making kit, a photo album app, or those Paint by Numbers posters. If you spent time on it, it doesn’t have to come from within for you to put love into it and give you a sense of accomplishment. The act of art is also therapeutic - so do it even if for yourself. 

4. Bake some treats for your pals and drop off care packages around town. 

5. Surprise a friend with delivery - many local companies have converted to delivery rather than in-person in the pandemic. If you can afford to splurge on this, support them and keep them in business. 

I get it - with many of us feeling serious compassion fatigue, doing things for others can feel impossible. If that’s the case, ask yourself what you need and see if you can give it to yourself. Do any or all of these things for yourself. Bake yourself your favorite treat, buy yourself small things that bring you joy, write yourself a note about how you’re doing. These small gestures might just revive you enough to help you reach out to others as well, down the road.

I hope you had a good Valentine’s day this year, even if it didn’t look like it usually does. 

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Karen Lenz is the Office Whiz and Insurance Guru at People Bloom Counseling. She writes blog posts as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. She doesn’t celebrate Valentines Day officially, but she tries to at least make it a nice, conflict-free, easy day. This year she checked in on her loved ones, baked some treats, and played silly online word games with her family.

How some Couples are Struggling During the Pandemic and What you can Do about it

Photo by Naveen Kumar on Unsplash

We’re still here, together 

Now 11 months into the pandemic, couples who have been stuck at home the whole time with or without kids are getting to know their partners really well. Maybe a little too well. If there were no major secrets kept and both parties were doing relatively well pre-COVID, being stuck at home with increased chores, limited social activities and restricted coping mechanisms has likely created relationship stress that wouldn’t be there otherwise. 

You couldn’t have known how your partner would respond when they develop cabin fever, when they don’t have the usual sports or social events to break up the weeks and months. Instead of the occasional work trip to make your hearts go yonder, it might be a case of, “You again?!” when you see each other in the kitchen. You might be running out of things to say to each other because not a whole lot is happening. 

If this is a challenging time for you, you’re not alone. When you said, “til death do us apart,” you didn’t sign up for, “a pandemic to keep us together. All. The. Time.” When you get so little time apart, it can create a whole new set of problems. 

The following are three common issues that come up amongst couples stuck at home, along with possible solutions. 

Disproportionate distribution of chores

Problem - 

It is no surprise that more women are forced out of the workplace due to COVID. And even if both partners are working from home, the lion’s share of chores often on women to do or manage. There are absolutely exceptions to this phenomenon and I know of very involved husbands and dads, but regardless of who ends up staying home, the  pandemic can quadruple the work for one partner! 

You can no longer rely on meals at the cafeteria, instruction at school, the cleaning service or respite care with in-laws caring for the children. Meal planning, cooking, cleaning up, tidying up frequented spaces, supporting online school, finding ways to entertain the kids, helping the children cope with the ups and downs of pandemic life… the list goes on. 

Solution - 

Reevaluate how chores were allocated. It’s possible that the way things were before no longer work - or really have never worked. It can take a pandemic to overhaul the system and start from scratch.

With everyone home, let’s map out the logistics: who has more flexibility in their schedule to get a child started on Zoom? Who can stay with them for special instructions? How often will dishes be loaded and unloaded now that there are twice as many meals to serve? How often will Amazon boxes be broken down before they become a fire hazard? Who leads the toilet scrubbing department? Figure out who can do what. If it helps to make a chore chart/wheel/spreadsheet, go for it, whatever it takes to create a plan to get everyone involved.

All chores are back on the table and up for delegation. As with any new systems, it’d be important to come back to the drawing board and see how things are going after 1-2 weeks. Nothing is written in stone and the need to switch things up only means you’re adaptable to the changing times.

Difficulty communicating needs

Problem - 

Pre-pandemic, if you had an office to go to, you had a commute to help you decompress from work. After work, you could go to your meditation class, grab a craft beer with your friends or look forward to your weekly b-ball practice. Such that if something bothered you earlier in the day, the passing of time and the ability to shift focus to another activity meant you were already in a different head space by the time you came home to your partner. 

Before the pandemic, when you got home you may have talked with your partner about what bothered you, but the intensity of that incident had already worn off. You could rely on your own toolbox to cope and didn’t need to ask for what you might need from your partner, from the relationship.

With COVID, you need to use more of your words because there’s a limit to what you can do to cope. Your commute is 20 steps away and you may even bump into your partner in the hall with the issue still burning in your mind. 

Solution - 

Over-communicate what might be going on. Workplaces are needing to over-communicate to their employees given remote work and ever changing policies. Why would a couple trying to figure out life together during a global pandemic be any different? If something bothers you and you can use some help, even just a little, err on the side of speaking to it, rather than letting things fester. “I need some space from Johnny. Can you watch him for 45 minutes while I read a book in the bedroom?” Or, “I’m tired of figuring out what to cook and I need help deciding. Do you want curry tofu or lasagna?”

If you have not been good about asking for what you might need, now is the time to flex that muscle. You can lean into your relationship to cope with these challenging times, especially when your individual coping toolbox is limited.

That brings me to my last point.

Fewer coping strategies 

Problem - 

You were likely resourceful before the quarantine in knowing what you need to do and when to do it to help you cope with life. You had regular activities to look forward to, as a couple or by yourself. You could gather in groups. You had music festivals, concerts, events, celebrations, travels to mark the passing of time. With COVID, you signed up for an online yoga subscription. Your workout moved to YouTube. You’re Zooming your book club. You’re watching a concert on Netflix rather than being at one. 

Things are just not the same. A coping skill that sounds good one day feels like crap the next. Now your partner sees how crabby you can be when you don’t have those outlets, and vice versa. 

Solution - 

Develop new coping skills. Choose activities that feel novel to you. Look into old hobbies. Do something that helps you feel empowered, rather than despair. Start and finish a project with your partner, even if the “project” is as simple as loading up the dishwasher. Develop new rituals together. Have time alone and apart. Especially in situations where one partner copes by spending time together and the other copes by having time alone, see how you can be together in your apartness. One couple I know will have their feet touch while sitting on opposite sides of the couch, one watching TV with their headphones and the other with their book. 

The things that couples come up with never cease to amaze me. 

Riding through this, together 

Until more is known about COVID transmission while vaccinated, most of this year will still involve staying put, social distancing and mask wearing. You’ll likely still be working from home, limiting travels and group activities. Your partner is pretty much it. It’s possible to have an even better relationship through COVID than the one you had before.

If you need help bettering your relationship, our couples counselors are here for you. 

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. With COVID, her husband has developed this new ritual of waking up at the same time she does and getting her tumbler and hot water ready for her ginormous cup of coffee. She hopes that ritual remains well into their transition back into post-pandemic life.

Now Say you’re Sorry!” Everything you Need to Know about Apologies in Two Blogs - Part II

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

If you’ve ever had a rift in your relationship, you know that apologizing is hard to do, and sometimes we could use a manual for doing it right. In Why Won’t you Apologize?, Dr. Harriet Lerner devotes a whole book to the art of apologizing. I’ve borrowed from her work to give you the keys to a stellar apology! In my last blog, I discussed the “why’s” of apologizing - why it matters, and who it is for. In part II, I identify the important elements for both the giver and the receiver of the apology. Being mindful of these things can help you make the repair process smoother with your humans, which translates to more time getting along and less time in tension and conflict. 

Born defensive

In her book, Lerner refers to the mischief of defensiveness.* We are wired for defensiveness  -- we want to protect the idealized image we have of ourselves. This is particularly difficult if you struggle with a shaky self-worth. When you’re in that space, you’re more likely to skew the words and hear “you are bad,” and you can easily drop into a shame-shit-storm. In those moments, you’re more vulnerable to fuse who you are with what you’ve done. 

Here comes our defenses! Our subconscious brain fights and says “I’m not bad, I can’t be bad, that doesn’t fit with the image I have of who I am.” And the words come out in some version of “I’m not wrong, you’re wrong.” But we cannot offer a genuine apology in this space… because in this space, we cannot listen carefully to the hurt party’s anger and pain. Instead, we listen defensively and listen for what we don’t agree with. We listen to correct the inaccuracies, the exaggerations, the “not true” part of what our person is telling us. This prevents us from hearing them out and understanding them; this protects us from the shame of acknowledging our own mistakes. 

Start with listening 

Good apologies first require good listening.* The first step in being a good listener involves being tuned into ourselves enough to recognize when we aren’t ready to listen. Check in with yourself first. Are you feeling anxious, angry, or distracted? If so, let the speaking party know you’d like to listen to them but you’ve got too much white noise happening within. Ask to come back to this conversation after you have some time to ground yourself. You can do this by taking some deep breaths, going for a walk, getting your to-do-list done, or practicing grounding techniques (a quick Google search will help you find a variety of these). Figure out what you need in order to show up wholehearted and present for your person. Then follow these guidelines:*

• Once you’re ready to engage, look for signs you’re getting defensive. Take a look at your body’s signals of an escalated nervous system (feeling tense, guarded)...and again, breathe. Lerner says we cannot listen with an overheated system. 

• Listen to discover only what you can understand and agree with. You shouldn’t be mentally making our case. 

• Ask questions about the parts that you don’t understand. Ask clarifying questions so that you’re really understanding what the hurt person is saying. Tone is everything with this; we cannot be curious and furious at the same time. 

• Offer your apology. 

• Let the hurt person know that you’ve heard, seen, and understood them. You can do that by reflecting back to them what they’ve said, acknowledging the feelings they shared, and summarizing with a validating statement such as “I get why this was hurtful,” or, “that makes a lot of sense to me.” 

• Thank the person for their honesty. Let them know you’ll continue thinking about this, invite further conversation, and make a plan for how you can do better. 

Acknowledge our differences 

Once you’re out of the listen-and-apologize piece, you can discuss where you disagree. Lerner emphasizes that this should not be conflicting with what you’ve already said, rather, acknowledging aspects of what your person shared that you might see differently.* We won’t agree with our person in every area all the time, and that’s okay. Intimacy requires coming to terms with our differences and learning to respect and appreciate our partner for the ways in which we’re different. We want to explore and understand these differences with curiosity and acceptance, rather than fighting to come out on top. 

Hurting, party of one?

When you’re the hurt party and it’s time to share your point of view, there are also some important rules to follow.*

• Keep it simple, and don’t over-talk. 

• Don’t blame or shame. This is VERY important, because blaming and shaming is likely to activate the other person’s defenses and you’ll be far less likely to get the acknowledgment you need. Do not blame, instead, assertively state your experience. 

• Use “I feel” statements, rather than “you” statements. E.g, “I felt hurt when you left me behind on the running trail.” Use your feeling words. 

• Don’t accuse or assume ill-intent. I (me, Abby) can speculate that most of us don’t do and say things with conscious intent to harm people we care about. 

• Don’t demand an apology. We want to stand on high ground as we present this information, recognizing we have zero control over the other person’s response. The healing comes from owning our story. 

Owning fault is hard

If apologizing were easy, Lerner wouldn’t have written her book and I wouldn’t have written this two-part blog. We come armored with weapons to protect our sense of self and who we believe ourselves to be in the world, but those weapons can wound. Owning our mess-ups is vulnerable, as we come with all of our imperfections and hope that the person we hurt will meet us with grace. It’s a fragile process, and it takes time and practice to master. But for the sake of our loved ones, ourselves, and our precious relationships...it’s worth tending to the cuts. 

If you’re struggling in your relationship and need help learning to offer healthy apologies, or receive them, our clinicians can help! 

*Borrowed from Why Won’t You Apologize? By Harriet Lerner, PhD (2018).

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Abby Erickson is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps people with anxiety and social anxiety learn ways to better manage their angst. She also helps people struggling with low self-esteem and body image issues be comfortable in their own skin. Since the pandemic, she has been providing counseling via telehealth. She’s enjoying not having to wear real pants. Down time in the age of Coronavirus has welcomed wine nights, hiking, and spending time with her roommate. 

“Now Say you’re Sorry!” Everything you Need to Know about Apologies in Two Blogs - Part I

Photo by Eric Ward on Unsplash

Welcome to humanity

We all mess up, say things we don’t mean, and hurt people we love. Emotions can make us impulsive and impair our better judgment. This is especially the case during a pandemic when we’re already stressed. We are human, and therefore imperfect beings. When the inevitable happens and we do care about our partner, we really need to work towards repairing the relationship. Repair usually requires an apology. But why is it that hearing “I’m sorry” feels so important to us? And, why is it so hard to offer up these same words to others? Harriet Lerner lays these answers out beautifully in her important work, Why Won’t You Apologize? (2018). Here is what I took away from it.

Why an apology is important: it “gifts” in more ways than one

Lerner refers to three “gifts” of a proper apology. The first is a gift to the hurt person. We’ve all been that person who is hurt, waiting for an apology. We feel unseen. We obsess, ruminate, grit our teeth, or distance when we feel wronged by another. And it’s hard to let that go until something gives. The gift of apology repairs that person’s emotional safety after a rupture in a relationship, and allows the hurt party to let go of the yucky feelings and move forward. 

Apologies are also a gift to the apologizer. It’s hard to apologize, of course...apologizing requires vulnerability. We don’t know how the other person will respond - will they accept our admission to the mistake and in turn, our imperfection? Apologizing can be scary because it can make us feel like we are giving up something, waving the proverbial white flag, perhaps providing ammo to be used against us at a later time! But in actuality, a genuine apology bolsters self-respect and self-worth because it’s a sign of maturity. We are owning the part of the interaction where we’ve messed up. If the hurt party is open enough to hear us, their respect for us might just go up a notch. 

The final gift is to the relationship. Apologies are necessary to work towards repairing relationship ruptures. All relationships have disagreements and conflicts from time to time; how frequently those conflicts arise depends on how attuned we are to our partner’s needs and sensitivities, as well as our own capacity to regulate our emotions. But it’s how the conflict is handled that counts. This is supported by literature around couples therapy, which universally stresses that ruptures are inevitable, and it’s the repair that’s most important for maintaining healthy and mutually satisfying intimate relationships. 

Genuine vs. half-assed apologies

Look, we’re not stupid. We can sense when an apology is not genuine, when the person saying the words are just trying to get it over with. Imagine the tone, “Well, SOR-RY!” or the words “I’m sorry you feel this way,” as if there was something wrong with you for feeling that way. Whether we’re the person giving the apology or receiving it, in the absence of a genuine apology that offers empathy and contrition, half-assed apologies can wreak havoc on connection. It often leaves the hurt party more hurt, upset and distant. And if it happens over and over in a relationship, it can tear apart an otherwise well meaning couple. 

Think of it as a compilation of small cuts that receive inadequate care. Without antiseptic, bandage, and attention...they scar, over and over again. One cut doesn’t do harm, but many little cuts signal a threat to our sense of emotional safety and get our defenses up. No wonder one argument leads to a totally different unresolved issue! We’re less likely to share our true feelings, make bids for closeness, and trust that our person will show up to help us heal, bandage in hand.

Learning to accept apologies

As important as the apology itself is, the hurt party needs to be willing to receive the apology,  as long as the trespass is not abusive. If we dismiss the apology by saying, “Eh, not a big deal..no need to apologize...it is what it is,” we send the message that their words or actions didn’t warrant a repair. When your partner genuinely wants to make amends, that response can come across as minimizing their efforts. As noted earlier, the apology is for the apologizer too. 

In a different scenario, if we keep shaming the person for their mistake, even when they’re genuinely apologizing, we reinforce that apologies are no good here -  aka, “Your apology doesn’t fix anything and I’m gonna stay mad at you anyways!” That’s you holding the grievance over your partner in a way they can never pay back. You’re essentially ignoring the cut or shoving it in their face without allowing them to tend to it. 

Instead, try this: thank the apologizer for the apology. “I appreciate you for owning your part. Your apology means a lot to me.” This is the most helpful response for mending the wound and the relationship. It honors the cut and opens the doors for proper healing...scar tissues don’t stand a chance here!

The 9 elements of an effective apology*

Now that we’ve covered why apologies are important, genuine versus half-assed ones and the essence of accepting apologies, let’s talk about what makes for an effective apology. 

So what exactly makes a “good” apology? Lerner highlights nine keys to an apology that works: 

1. No “buts”. “I’m sorry, but…” cancels out whatever was said prior to the “but.” It infers to the hurt party, “I’m sorry but I’m actually not that sorry.” 

2. Apologize for your actions/words, not for the hurt person’s response to those actions/words. Don’t say, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” because it implies that the hurt person is to blame for receiving the trespass as they did. Instead, we must take accountability by saying, “I’m sorry I did/said that to you.” 

3. A good apology offers restitution. In other words, try to make up for it. If you bailed on a commitment, reschedule and be sure to show up.

4. Be mindful of over-doing your apology. If you apologize profusely and don’t let up, this interrupts the repair exchange. As Lerner delicately notes, it’s annoying. What’s more, if you over-apologize and add things like, “I’m the worst, I’m such a piece of shit!” you’re victimizing yourself and requiring the hurt party to then tend to your self-deprecation. Please don’t do that, it’s unfair. 

5. There shouldn’t be an expectation that the other person apologizes as well. If you eff’d up, you eff’d up. Take ownership for your role in the conflict. If the other person also eff’d up, they should be able to come to that conclusion on their own. It doesn’t matter who started it. 

6. Mean it when you say it won’t happen again. True apologies require that you stop repeating the same harmful behavior. This can be difficult with habitual responses, but if you’re genuinely sorry, you need to make a conscious effort to stop doing/saying the harmful thing. 

7. Apologies shouldn’t be used to silence the other person. Depending on the delivery, apologies can be used to get the other person to shut up. This makes me think of the ol’, “Yes dear, I’m sorry dear, you’re right dear.” This is dismissive, disingenuous, and you’re being an ass-hat. 

8. Don’t apologize just to ease a guilty conscience. A true apology should not serve to make you feel better if it might harm the other person. It’s not an apology if it’s for the sake of your own healing. This might be the case when someone is setting boundaries and has requested that you give them space and stop contacting them.

9. Expect nothing in return. Finally, when we apologize, you shouldn’t be asking the hurt party to do anything. You shouldn’t expect forgiveness or reassurance that you are well-intended. You give the apology for the other person’s sake and that’s it. No strings attached.  

Easy-peasy, right? *Buzzer sound.* This stuff is hard AF, but such important work. In my next post, I’ll share more about our defenses during apologies and the step-by-step process on how to actually give and receive them.  

In the meantime, need help making repairs in your relationship? I’ll be here. 

*Borrowed from Why Won’t You Apologize? By Harriet Lerner, PhD (2018).

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Abby Erickson is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps people with anxiety and social anxiety learn ways to better manage their angst. She also helps people struggling with low self-esteem and body image issues be comfortable in their own skin. During her time at home, she's drawing from the challenges and wins in her own relationship to help couples and individuals feel more secure in their most important relationships.