You've Got Cancer? What shouldn't I do?

Wanna make someone feel worse when they've cancer? Here's how:

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1. Talk even when you don't know what to say - Years ago when my friend's wife was diagnosed with leukemia, his buddy didn't know what to say, so he said this: “Man, at least you get to marry another woman...”

2. Begin your sentences with “At least” - If you want to minimize one's experience with cancer (or anything for that matter) and remind them how much better they have it compared to people in Syria, the words, “at least” is the way to go.

3. Tell them you understand when you really don't - A patient has taught me I can only guess or imagine what it's like to be in their shoes; to say that I understand when I've never been can be a real put off.

4. Share about your aunt's cancer story, and your grandma's... - Not to say there isn't a time and place to share cancer experiences, but just because you have a story to tell does not mean the one with the cancer wants to hear it. It helps to ask first.

5. Expect that things are back to normal post-treatment – Meal delivery is over, hair is growing back, party pics made it on FB, life's back to normal, right? Cancer brings a new normal. While it might not be your job to constantly remind the other of their cancer, just know that this is only the beginning of the journey.

Here's an earlier post on what to do instead. 

And if you need help navigating through all this, give me a call!

You've Got Cancer? What can I Do?

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Ever wonder how to approach a friend, a loved one when they are first diagnosed with cancer and going through treatment? Here's my first post on what to do. What not to do will come later...

1. Do nothing – Gotcha! Sometimes there isn't anything to do but to simply be with that person.

2. Validate – Let them know that it must be very hard for them... You can't imagine... This really sucks!

3. Offer company – Sometimes in our not knowing what to do, we disappear. Offer your presence, hear them out, hang out.

4. Talk about something else – Cancer can be all consuming. While it might be important to give cancer its spotlight, let's also move onto something else.

5. Offer help – What can you do? What can be helpful? Want a ride to an appointment? Oil change? Go to a ball game? 

6. Set up long-term help – It's hard to ask for ongoing help, let alone when you're emotionally overloaded. Assuming you know your friend, you can set up meal delivery, house cleaning, and baby sitting, email treatment updates, etc. 

7. Bring comfort - Cancer treatment is unnerving for the human body, in more ways than one. Find out what will bring comfort to your loved one and do it! Is it a particular type of food for the foodie, flowers for the visually stimulated, or a card for the, um, card person?! 

8. Use humor - Break up the monotony! A friend recently told me this was the funniest thing she had said to her while going through treatment: “Well, you're the healthiest looking sick person I've ever seen!” Sure, be sensitive, but know that cancer patients need to laugh too.

9. Touch - Cancer can make your loved one feel like their body is damaged. Don't be afraid to offer touch. 

Help need walking your loved one through cancer? I'm here!

Lessons from Cancer?

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I was recently asked to comment on whether there might be any positives to the cancer experience. As a Medical Family Therapist with a special interest in working with those touched by cancer, I quickly put on my thinking cap...

Cancer sucks AND it can also a great teacher. It can force you to reconsider your life and what you're living for and why. It can make you realize you do have a choice beyond the auto-pilot of daily living and that pace is yours to set. It can help you question your own mortality and those around you and hopefully, guide you to better the elements of relationships that are within your control. Cancer can also pull together communities to support you and connect you with those you didn't know well, while deepening existing relationships. That said, cancer also puts you on the receiving end such that you might, perhaps for the first time, learn to receive rather than give.

Let me know if you'd want more!

Keep Going

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Do you have Stress-Resilient Habits?

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John Preston, PsyD, ABPP did a training on “The Habits of Stress-Resilient People” last month. Putting my two cents in the mix, you can develop stress-resiliency by:

1. acknowledging that pain and suffering are a part of life, rather than an exception - if you live long enough, and sometimes, you don't even have to live that long, you know that crap will hit the fan

2. choosing to be with uncomfortable feelings - as unpleasant as they might be, difficult feelings will be there. Feel them rather than hide from them; they do come and go

3. having a good cry – according to biochemist and “tear expert” Dr. William Frey, tears contain stress hormones that are excreted from the body through crying

4. taking things in, moment-by-moment - fight the tendency to operate on auto-pilot

5. recirculating moments of joy – everyday, train your brain to notice the things that have gone well that day

6. focusing on doing what works – do what is most effective in the moment, rather than dwelling on what's fair, unfair, should, should not, etc

7. living a valued life – What matters to you? What do you want to live for? Doing those things will bring you vitality and meaning even when life gets tough

Thoughts? Would love to hear them! Need help developing these habits? I'm here!

Strength in Flexibility

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