Photo by David Dvořáček on Unsplash
Change my partner!
Sometimes, couples come into our offices and they want to see behavioral changes: “He needs to not log back into work after the kids are in bed…” or “They need to go out with their friends less often!” or “I can’t stand her telling me what to do throughout the day!”
“They need to STOP!!!”
During these incidents, emotions run high and they get stuck on what the partner needs to do differently for the relationship to improve. As a couples therapist, I’m often attuned to what’s really going on underneath. What message does it send you when your partner does this or that? And even then, it’s much safer and less vulnerable to focus on behavioral changes. I slipped into a moment like that myself a few weeks back.
Here’s what happened.
Lost track of time
Husband plays online board games on Monday and Wednesday. It’s his time with his friends and I totally support him. One of these nights happened to fall on the second Seattle heat wave and we usually would move the portable AC unit from his office to our bedroom to help cool down the space for sleep. Husband is usually done by 10:30pm-ish, but on this night, he totally lost track of time.
His gaming session was lively and I waited and waited and waited. Surely he’ll be done by 11pm. Right when I’d think about interrupting him, I’d tell myself he can’t be that much longer. At my wit’s end, I finally peeked in and said, “I need the AC.”
Husband sprang up from his chair and said, “Oh shit!” apologizing profusely when he reached the bedroom. I was fuming and couldn’t muster up any helpful words. Husband then returned to finish the game, as he couldn’t possibly leave his team high and dry. It was at that time I remembered how it takes time for the AC to cool down an inside temperature of 96F.
Needless to say, I couldn’t fall asleep.
What’s really going on
My husband came to bed eventually and I said the easier thing, “We need to set up a time limit for board game night so that you are done by 11pm.” Definitely casting blame, I was asking for a behavioral change to prevent future occurrences. Husband then got hung up on problem solving with me: “Are you saying I need to be done by 11pm or I need to have the AC in here by 11pm?”
By now, it’s late and pointless to get into a board game curfew. So instead of insisting on the behavioral change, I went to the heart of the matter: “I felt forgotten when you had the AC blasting in your office while the bedroom was steaming hot and I have to get up early for work tomorrow.” Husband apologized, said he got carried away with the game and asked that I interrupt him earlier next time.
What’s different about this interaction is that I told him how I truly felt and he heard me, without dismissing or minimizing my experience. To tell him I felt forgotten was significantly harder than focusing on what he needs to change. It required me to be in touch with that hurt and to own my vulnerability. And, seeing his impact on me in this way, that tugged at his heart string in a deeper way.
On the outside perhaps the result looks the same, regardless of approach: We’d both work to prevent this from happening in the future. I can come in to interrupt him sooner and he can try to remember that if the AC is still blasting in his office at 10:30pm at night, the unit is likely needed elsewhere. If you look a little closer, however, there’s a difference: I could either try to micromanage him, which leads to emotional disconnection. Or, when his behavior has an impact on me, I could share what it brings up for me and how it affects me.
Because I did the latter in this case, he was receptive, and it brought us closer together.
Future late nights
Last week, my husband came to bed late again, but this time it was work-related. I went into his office to say goodnight and asked him to give me a kiss when he comes to bed. The next morning, I asked if that happened and he said yes. He said I moved briefly but was otherwise asleep. It felt sweet to know that he remembered. That’s all that mattered.
Go beyond behavioral changes
When you come into our office, we want to help you get to the heart of the matter. When you bring up what you want to see change in your partner, our couples therapists are here to help you go deeper. We don’t just want to help you change your behaviors; we want to help you feel closer and more connected to your partner.
Don’t settle for less.
Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. As with many of these posts, her husband gave permission to share their moments of humanity. She wouldn’t be able to do this work without his support and his kisses.