I’m not the most caught up when it comes to pop culture but was recently directed to this music video, “Say Something.” It’s a piece re-recorded by Christina Aguilera in 2013. Yes, that’s exactly how not caught up I am. But the thing is, the message of love doesn’t grow old. With Ian Axel on the piano (all of this information courtesy of Google search), we sense the push and pull that’s a part of relationship drama:
Our need for closeness in relationships
One way to interpret this piece of music is our longing for connection and engagement with a significant other. We’re desperate for our partner to say something, to let us know they’re still here for us. We DON’T want to quit, we DON’T want to leave or say goodbye, but it hurts TOO much to stay and NOT get a response. When we can’t get to our partner, we feel small. We feel pain, a sense of loss and loneliness in the relationship. It may come out as agitation, criticism and overtime, resignation, but really, it’s about feeling deprived, unloved and uncared for.
Sounds dramatic? It is. To feel safe and close in our intimate relationships is a basic human need. I tear up when I consider well-meaning couples who miss each other in how they communicate love and closeness. It’s sad to see couples continue in an old pattern of relating until it’s too late and they do have to say goodbye.
If this song speaks to you, I wonder if this could be you?
While there are different ways to be in relationships, a common relationship pattern is one of pursuer-withdrawer. We all yearn for connection in our relationships and pursuers try to meet that need, you guessed it, by pursuing their partner.
You might be a pursuer if you try to get your partner’s attention and it comes out as:
- criticizing or complaining
- demanding or accusing
- controlling or close monitoring
On the surface, you feel:
- frustrated, angry or critical
Underneath all that “protest,” you feel:
- unloved, undesired or uncared for
- unimportant, not valued, not special
- alone and abandoned
What you really want is:
- emotional connection
- to be seen and heard
- to be appreciated and loved
If you look at these pointers and you say to yourself, “That sounds about right!” what are you to do?
Your responses are understandable
Know that this is NOT about what you should or shouldn’t do. Rather, your responses make a LOT of sense given the circumstances. You’re trying SO hard to reach your partner and when you don’t get the response you want, you try harder. You do more of the same because that’s all you know how. Overtime, you’re exhausted and you give up. Like the music video, you’re just too burnt out to continue and you don’t know what else to do.
If that's you, I get you.
Speaking to your underlying fears and needs
If you’re in a safe and secure relationship, you can more easily speak to how an interaction made you feel and what it brings up for you. However, even in the absence of domestic violence, couples still feel that it’s not safe to show a more vulnerable side of themselves. That’s like me asking you to go out on a limb, and after years of practice, you’ve learned to cope and get by in your relationship without taking such risks.
But, there’s hope. You don’t have to go at it alone.
I help build that sense of safety
I can help you and your partner feel more safe in the relationship so you can talk about the difficult stuff. You can learn to more effectively reach for your partner in a way that doesn’t push them away. You can find closeness and connection in your relationship; it’s not too late.
Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice in WA. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. When she’s not working or thinking about work, she loves connecting with her husband over sushi, movies and more recently, walks around Seattle. Their last stroll was in the Quad admiring full bloom cherry blossoms. They were definitely not alone.