Photo by Alex Geerts on Unsplash
Most of us are not doing well
Back in July, I wrote about us entering the chronic stage of this global pandemic. Now a couple more months have passed and things are not much better. The smoke eclipsed the short summer we had left and last night’s first presidential debate was utter chaos. In light of all this, I should mention there are some people who are doing surprisingly well while social distancing, meeting online, and taking things in stride. But, that’s not most of us.
At best, many people are dipping in and out of feeling okay. At worst, they never adjusted and have been struggling since March. In the middle are people who rode the wave of crisis for a while and adapted, except the crisis never let up and they’re on the trajectory to burnout if not already there.
2020 has been one hell of a year and we still have one more quarter to go. The quarter where Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) makes a comeback with the shorter days; the quarter where the next president will be determined; the quarter where some families will grieve their first holiday without their loved ones.
Zoom turkey is just not the same.
You’re normal
If you’re struggling, you’re human. Some of the most ambitious, competent, adaptable and resilient people I know are struggling. It doesn’t mean you can’t hack it, because you likely have been through other trying times and made it to the other side. This time is different. It is the ripple effects of COVID, the continued disregard for Black and Brown lives, the devastating wildfires and the looming presidential election. There are countless stressful events in between that I initially listed but have decided to leave out because it gave me heart palpitations to write and re-read. If you wonder why you don’t have your shit together, it might be because you’re still processing the ramifications of the last event. Or the last few events.
Stop trying so hard
So, before you go off to list the self-care activities you either ought to be doing or have tried with limited results, let’s get something straight: Stop pressuring yourself to feel better. Meal prepping, going out for walks and journaling are great, but not with the undertone: This has got to work! This has helped in the past! Why can’t I get this to work?! It’s like pressuring yourself to fall asleep when you’re wide awake; good luck with that.
Now I’m not asking you to give up, but I am urging you to approach this series of crises differently. This is not a nail you approach with a hammer or a screw you approach with a Phillips head. Rather, put down your tool and stop trying to fix things. Play Animal Crossing if you think it’s going to help you, but not because it has to. Go for a run cuz it’s a nice day out, not because you felt the runner’s high last time and you’re looking for that same effect this time. Do the activity that’s good for you, period. How you feel afterwards and whether it’ll actually help is secondary. If it does; great! If it doesn’t; it is still beneficial.
A study done on lab rats showed that even when they were forced to exercise, their mental health improved from the exercise as much as if they had chosen to hop on their wheel. How does this apply to you? Well, even if you really don't feel like it and wonder if it's even doing any good, it's better to get up and move than not. And if you can't bring yourself to do it today, there's always tomorrow.
That brings me to my next point.
Change your expectations
If you have high expectations that yoga will leave you feeling all zen, and you feel just as anxious when you started if not more, then maybe you’ve tuned into all that your body was holding. These are not normal times and your usual or new coping strategies are not supposed to have the same effect. You also don’t have to do the right thing all the time. That’s exhausting. If you want some chocolate, have some chocolate. Don’t feel like jumping on that family Zoom call? Skip it. You don’t have it in you to show up for work today? Take a mental health day. You don’t have to be firing on all cylinders right now. Like, what cylinders?
Do things that actually give you spoons
Lastly, not all coping mechanisms are created equal. If you both like to mow the lawn and you like the outcome of a mowed lawn, then all the power to you. For many other coping skills, we may like the feeling of having done it after the fact but not in the moment. So, if marinating chicken for tomorrow’s dinner feels too effortful at the moment and it will actually take away your spoons, then Trader Joe’s pre-made Koma Fish Curry sounds pretty good and just needs a trip in the microwave. The dishes are too much today? Let’s try again tomorrow. Instead, watch three episodes of Queer Eye over a frozen burrito. It might just replenish your spoons. Might.
We’re here for you
If you need help with your self-care activities, our trained therapists are here for you. We understand because there are times when we’re going through the same things and have needed to tap into our toolbox to stay sane. We want to help you develop yours.
Ada Pang is the owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. She recently dyed her hair at home to switch things up. The last time she dyed her own hair was in high school. While it didn’t make everything better and it wasn’t supposed to, it was something she is reminded of everyday. It did help. A bit.