The Great Divide. I’m not having it.

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Way to start the New Year’s

I woke up on Sat Jan 28, 2017 to the start of Jan 1, 2017 on the Chinese lunar calendar. I happened to be in Vancouver, BC, Canada for a two-day training prior to the festivities and stayed with my folks. I had a rather slow morning and came downstairs to my Mama’s homemade CNY brunch. My aunt came over, my sister and niece have spent the night and all was well until I got a text from my husband.

He was asking when I’d be home. Later in the eve, I conveyed, not knowing what’s the hurry. He then mentioned some executive order that Trump has signed that morning. I looked it up and it was f*cking unbelievable.

I am a Hong Kong-born Canadian citizen green card holder living in America and I was shocked. I cannot imagine what it is like for refugees and Muslim brothers and sisters around the world.

I felt very uneasy and after a late lunch, left for the border. For the first time, I didn’t know what to expect. While Canada and the US are allies and I have all my documentation, a “Muslim ban” from selective Muslim-majority countries has me wondering what’s next.

Back on US soil

The border was uneventful, as if nothing has happened. I almost wish that something was different because this is NOT okay. I’m now back on US soil. And for the first time in my 15.5 years of living in the US, I felt different, like I don’t belong here. My countries of origin and naturalization aren’t even on the blacklist. I’m not even Muslim. But to exclude immigrants and non-citizens is to exclude me and to exclude people like me. I realize to make America great again is make America white again.

Pulling away

During my 2-hour drive home, I became increasingly aware of my “other-ness”. I feel threatened by the future possibility of not being welcomed in this country. I find myself emotionally pulling away from my white community. I picture the faces of these people I have come to know and like, and already, I feel further from them.

Suddenly, I realize what was happening. There is a great divide in our country and around the world and to pull away is to concede. In Trump’s promotion of all people white, male, straight, Christian, middle and upper class, able bodied and Euro American, he is shutting down those who don’t fit the bill.

I’m not having it.

Leaning into America

When I realized this, I made a conscious decision to lean in, instead of pull away. It helped that when I got home, my husband, who is 4th-generation Japanese American, hugged me for a long time. It helped that protests rose up at airports and city streets around the country as we stand with each other. It helped that I connected with my community the next day and saw how they were also affected by this news.

It helped that this is not the end; rather, the beginning.

We CAN find safety and shelter in each other. Notice where this was filmed:

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Ada Pang, MS, LMFT is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond therapy practice in WA. At the heart of what she does, she’s about helping people flourish and live compassionate and vital lives. She can be found at PeopleBloomCounseling.com.

How to be with the 2016 US Election Results

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Unexpected results

Wow! What a week and it’s not over yet. Tuesday seems like eons ago. The election results shocked the whole world, leaving some celebrating, others protesting. On the one hand, as an immigrant and a woman of color, I hear and identify with the concerned voices of my fellow brothers and sisters as they face an amplified fear to the already prevalent racism, xenophobia, islamophobia, homophobia and sexism in our society. On the other hand, republican voters speak to the hopelessness and oppression they felt under the Obama administration. Each has a story to tell.

Narrowing the great divide

Our country is facing unprecedented polarization. That leaves a “we” versus “them” mentality with little room to hear the other. Whether you are a distraught Clinton voter who has taken to the streets, a victorious Trump supporter beaming with pride or a secretive Republican supporter afraid to come out of the closet, here are some ways to be post election.

1. Come together – be with those who share your viewpoint. Find company. Look around you and know that you’re not alone.
2. Express yourself – silence is dangerous. Speak to your hopes, fears, frustration and disappointment. Use words, art, music, anything.
3. Let your feelings come and go, come again and go again – if you’re experiencing shock, denial, anguish, sadness, fear, anxiety, anger, joy, thrill or whatever else, acknowledge them. Pushing away unpleasant feelings will only make them stronger; prolonging pleasant feelings will make you miss out on the here and now.
4. Revisit your values – remind yourself what you’re about and how you want life to be for you, your family, your neighbors, your community, the environment, animal life, and human kind.
5. Know your impact – your beliefs and thoughts carried out in words and actions will affect another. Your choices have consequences, positive or negative. Imagine the effect of those same choices when done to YOUR father, mother, brother, sister, son, daughter, best friend and those your love.
6. Listen closely – you come with your worldviews, life experiences and biases as you encounter another’s worldviews, life experiences and biases. Listen and understand another’s perspective even though that has and might never be your reality.
7. Stand up for justice – give voice to those who are silenced or are afraid to speak up. Stand with those who are treated less than because of their race, gender, sexual orientation, age, religion, class, abilities, looks or ethnicity. Pause to reflect on what each of these even mean. 
8. Teach the next generation – when your children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews inherit this earth, what do you want them to know about caring for ourselves and each other?
9. See our humanity – we are first human beings BEFORE our differences divided us. Strip us to the core, we have the same needs for safety, love and connection:

I might not know your story, but let me hear it. 

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Ada Pang, MS, LMFT is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond therapy practice in WA. At the heart of what she does, she’s about helping people flourish and live compassionate and vital lives. She can be found at PeopleBloomCounseling.com.

Living with the Fear of Cancer Recurrence

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In my last post, I talked about the complex feelings of cancer diagnosis and treatment. I wanted a separate post to specifically target the fear around cancer recurrence.

Whether you’re still going through cancer treatment or it has been years since you were treated, the fear of cancer coming back is very real. You’re attuned to every ache and pain in your body and instead of thinking that these discomforts stem from sore muscles or the beginning of a cold, you think cancer. Perhaps you secure message your doctor’s office for reassurance or you talk yourself down from feeling anxious. Nonetheless, the thought of cancer is ever looming.

Anxiety about cancer recurrence is normal

While most cancer patients who initially reported depression at the time of diagnosis experienced little to no depressive symptoms 10-years post treatment, the anxiety stemming from cancer is still there. After all, to have a cancer history is to face realities that cannot be fully changed or influenced. Sure, you might decide to eat healthier, stay physically active, manage stress better and maintain supportive relationships around you. While these are all good lifestyle habits to have and nurture, nothing you do can guarantee a cancer-free future.

What to do with healthy anxiety

First of all, if you feel something unusual during a breast exam (and the best time to do a breast exam is at day seven of your menstrual cycle), please do contact your oncology clinic. Similarly, if your body is exhibiting symptoms you don’t recognize or common symptoms are lingering, it is wise to seek medical advice. It is important to listen to your body and care for it; otherwise to ignore these symptoms is to deny that something is wrong. Burying your head in the sand only increases the likelihood of you getting your ass kicked.

What is constant anxiety

There is a difference between caring for your body and smothering it. You know your anxiety is in the driver’s seat when you’re constantly thinking about cancer, Googling every body discomfort known to man, and seeing your providers above and beyond normal follow-up appointments. You might be very rigid about the lifestyle choices you make. For example, you can’t miss a day at the gym, there is little to no flexibility in your dietary choices (unrelated to allergies), or you get easily agitated when you perceive that others are critical of how you’re managing your cancer. In other words, your world evolves around your cancer.

What to do with constant anxiety

Your body responds with anxiety when there’s a perceived threat. After all, cancer was and still is a huge threat to your existence. Doesn’t it make sense that you be constantly watchful of it? Knowing that, it’s important to realize that fear is your friend, not your foe. It is there to protect you; to preserve you. The key here is to befriend your body and to acknowledge your fear while putting it in the passenger seat.

Anxiety management techniques

What to do with your thoughts

Just because you think something does not mean it’s happening or that it’s true. Try it: think of a pot of gold. Think super, uber hard. What happened? Did you get rich from conjuring up images of gold? If you did, please come to my office and have those same thoughts. Okay, so you know I’m being facetious here. What I mean is that when your mind thinks something, that’s all it’s doing: a string of words came and went. You can entertain these words and attach a lot of meaning to them, or you can let them come and let them go.

Put simply, thoughts are either helpful or unhelpful. Helpful thoughts can be, "How do I make the most of what I have?" or "These things are meaningful to me and I'm going to do them!" When these thoughts come, listen to them and act accordingly. These thoughts are serving you. 

On the other hand, with thoughts like, "I can't enjoy my life because of my cancer!" or "Cancer is just going to come back; I know it!" acknowledge them and let them go. Like the pot of gold, just because you think it does not mean anything. In learning to have a different relationship with your thoughts, you’re essentially saying, “I hear you thoughts and I won’t be minding you so much. Here, why don’t you sit in the back? I’m still the one driving.”

What to do with your feelings

Similarly, when feelings of anxiety come, let them be there. Don’t push them away; they will only come back stronger. Acknowledge them; sit with them; talk to someone about them. While these feelings are scary, you can make space for them. What do they feel like? Does your heart pound? Do you get sweaty palms? Is your stomach churning? Know that these sensations will pass. As you ride through the waves of these feelings and body sensations, you can still be in the driver's seat, making the most out of life. 

Staying present

The fear of cancer recurrence has you looking into the future. It is thus hard to focus on the present and what’s going on right now. What have you been missing out on? Is it the changing colors of the leaves? Conversations with your loved ones where you’re only half listening? Finished a meal and you don't remember what you ate? When you find your mind focused repeatedly on your worries, acknowledge your mind, and come back to the present moment. Right now is the only moment you can do something about. Don’t miss out.

Need more?

Often times it helps to have someone come alongside you as you learn how to put cancer in the passenger seat. At the very least, because you’ll still have follow-up diagnostic tests and exams, you know the thoughts of cancer recurring are not going away. However, it doesn’t have to dictate your life. Let me know how I can help!

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Ada Pang, MS, LMFT is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice in WA. She helps distressed couples and breast cancer patients. That could also mean couples distressed by a partner’s cancer diagnosis, or couples wishing to use their marriage as a resource during their cancer journey. When she’s not thinking about work, she loves spending time with her hubby, eating good food and more recently, watching Harry Potter. 

“I was Diagnosed with Breast Cancer. What am I to Feel?”

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October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I’m putting on hold my blog post on trauma to address the emotional needs facing breast cancer patients. Granted, cancer patients often talk about their experience of cancer to be traumatic, even though many do not meet full criteria of Post-traumatic Stress Disorder.

To hear that, “You’ve got cancer” is enough to unravel any brave soul. The urgency of the news leaves little room for reflection, for contemplation. You’re scheduled with the surgeon, followed by the radiation oncologist and likely the oncologist. Some medical facilities fit all three appointments into a four-hour meeting; others schedule them one at a time. Either way, your head is full and it’s hard to digest information about the stage, tumor size and grade, if it’s hormone dependent and whatever else you’re supposed to know.

All this knowledge; all these next steps, but how are you feelin’?

Facing a loss

Being diagnosed and treated for breast cancer is to face your own mortality. Your vision for what your life would be like is called into question. You thought you would live to hike the Annapurna Circuit, see your kids graduate and hold your grandkids in your arms. All these plans are now up in the air. Even if you were told the type of cancer you have is highly treatable, you’re starting to envision a very different future.

The pendulum through the messiness of grief

Being diagnosed with cancer or other chronic illness is to grieve a loss. Sure, you’re used to your body having some aches and pains, but you’re definitely not as healthy as you had thought. Thus, it makes sense that women going through breast cancer would face different stages of grief in no linear fashion.

Denial

Also known as non-acceptance, denial happens because you’re in shock and overwhelmed by the news of cancer. “Were those really my test results? Did the doctor make a mistake?” You might weep and you might also feel numb. You might wake up in the middle of the night wondering if it was all a dream. It is common for you to feel out of touch with the rest of the world because quite frankly, you would much prefer a life without cancer, thank you very much.

Bargaining

Your mind races through choices that could have detoured cancer. “What if I had lived a healthier lifestyle? What if I had gotten a second opinion? What if I had reconciled that relationship rather than let it eat at me all these years?” There are no answers to these questions but it doesn’t stop you from asking them. Conscious or not, when you consider how you could’ve affected the outcome, it’s a way to take back the control you feel like you’ve lost. Similarly, you might bargain with God or a higher power to give you another chance at a life without cancer. Or, at least not now, though there really isn’t a good time.

Depression

While not all breast cancer patients meet criteria for clinical depression, sadness is very much a part of the grieving process. When you think about how your body is sick, the possible side effects of treatment and how cancer might affect your quality and quantity of life, you understandably would feel sad. Women have often talked about treatment leaving them feeling “disfigured” or “damaged.” This might lead to feelings of shame and negative self-worth and the tendency to isolate and push people away.

Anger

“Why is this happening? Why me? What have I done to deserve this?” are some of the questions that breast cancer patients might ask. Implied in these questions is a sense of unjust, that this shouldn’t be happening. Sometimes, you might feel anger towards yourself, if you think you could’ve somehow prevented cancer. Other times, you might be angry at God or a higher power from “allowing it to happen,” or at your healthcare providers for not doing more to help. Unfortunately, your loved ones might get the blunt of your anger, simply because they’re the closest to you.

Acceptance

If denial is synonymous with non-acceptance, then acceptance is to face the reality of what is: “You have cancer.” It’s hard to read those words and to face them head on, but to keep on denying that fact is to say, “Cancer has you.” To accept something does not mean you have to like it, or that you approve of it; it only means you’re not fighting the reality of cancer diagnosis, treatment and prognosis. You’re more willing to look it in the eye, and say, “Okay, let’s do this.”

The actual stages of grief

The five stages of grief originally coined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross is actually in the order of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I mixed up the order to show that there really isn’t a right or wrong way to go through grief because mourning a loss is meant to be messy.

You could be accepting the side effects of chemo one moment and then be very angry that you missed the toilet and barfed all over the floor the next. You could have a good cry and feel at peace, and the next crying episode could make you very angry at God. You might want to cancel your MRI and be in denial about what your doctors would want to say to you and the next day, invite a friend to come along to your imaging appointment.

It’s okay

The Kübler-Ross model likely does not encompass the emotional complexity of your cancer journey. Nonetheless, your cancer experience is your experience. It is okay to feel the way you do; all of your feelings are valid and normal. Allow yourself to go to these places; it’s a part of the healing process.

If you need help navigating through the messiness of these feelings, I’m here.

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Ada Pang, MS, LMFT is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice in WA. She helps distressed couples and breast cancer patients. That could also mean couples distressed by a partner’s cancer diagnosis, or couples wishing to use their marriage as a resource during their cancer journey. When she’s not thinking about work, she loves spending time with her hubby, eating good food and more recently, watching Harry Potter. 

Chronic Worrier, Anybody?

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No doubt, we all worry. What is that person going to think of me? Am I going to make this work deadline? What if it rains tomorrow and we need to take the party inside? When there's an actual threat of something going awry, worrying can be helpful because it motivates us into planning ahead and changing the things we can.

However, often times, worrying stems from a perception or a fear of things going wrong. It then becomes unhelpful when we're worrying for the sake of worrying, or when we think that worrying can somehow help us cope with life's problems. We get caught up in this endless loop.

Here are some ways to interrupt the cycle of chronic worrying:

1. Identify your triggers – what gets you worrying in the first place? Then what thoughts and feelings did you have next? If you don't recognize the cycle, you can't stop it.

2. Ask yourself, “Is there a problem to be solved?” – if you legitimately need to work a few extra hours to meet the deadline or come up with a plan B for the party, do it! If not, notice that your mind is playing the “worry tape” again.

3. Drop the struggle - “Don't worry, be happy!” If this had worked, we wouldn't have 40 million people in the US struggling with some form of anxiety. Intentionally trying to stop thinking about something only makes you think about it more. Try it now. Don't think about a white polar bear. What happens? You think about a white polar bear. It's not about fighting with your thoughts, but letting them come and go.

4. Notice your thoughts – is your mind feeding you worries that are “what if's,” unhelpful patterns that you can do little about? If so, acknowledge those thoughts again and again, but choose to not engage further. One way to do so, according to the tradition of Acceptance Commitment Therapy, is to say, “Thanks mind!” This may sound weird at first, but try it! You're re-training your mind and flexing that muscle differently, with time.

5. Stay in the present – worrying takes you into the future that has not yet happened and that likely won't happen the way you envision it. Thus, when you find your mind drifting to the worries of the unknown future, bring your mind back to the here and now, over and over again. Come back to this moment, the only moment you have to live in and can do something about.

6. Accept the unknown – you want things to happen a certain way: to arrive home accident-free, for the cake to not topple over, to win the project bid... Who doesn't? Yet, there are so many things you have little control over. Acknowledge that you are limited, still make plans, but hold them loosely. 

Here's an earlier post on what to do with runaway thoughts. 

Need more? Give me a call!

Are you Practicing Emotional Hygiene?

My friend showed me this Ted Talk on how we tend to neglect our psychological health. Check it out:

Reining in my Runaway Thoughts

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What do I do with the 60,000 thoughts I have in a day?

Thoughts are poppin' up faster than I have time to type them. What am I having for lunch? Am I hungry? What's going on tomorrow? Where would I squeeze that in? What's the weather like outside? The job of the mind is the generate thoughts and I have A LOT of them! If I follow these string of words everywhere they lead me, I'd be all over the place!

As a psychotherapist with a developing mindfulness practice, I am continuously wrestling with the need to come back to the here and now, because my mind is everywhere but here.

Here are some habits I've picked up along the way to help bring me back to now... I'd touch and sniff most flowers that happen upon my path, or listen in on the crinkling sound of a leaf against my shoe. I'd be curious about the aroma of yummy goodness coming out of a Thai restaurant. I'd come back to noticing my breath, which I thankfully carry around unconsciously, all the time. I'd take a moment to observe what's happening outside of me and how that's affecting what's happening inside of me, and vice versa. All the while, I'd take note of my mind drifting off and invite my mind to come back to this moment that I don't want to miss. 

How do you come back to the present? I'd love to hear!

Been to Blamers Anonymous Lately?

So, I guess I'm on a Brené Brown kick here... 

Do you have Stress-Resilient Habits?

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John Preston, PsyD, ABPP did a training on “The Habits of Stress-Resilient People” last month. Putting my two cents in the mix, you can develop stress-resiliency by:

1. acknowledging that pain and suffering are a part of life, rather than an exception - if you live long enough, and sometimes, you don't even have to live that long, you know that crap will hit the fan

2. choosing to be with uncomfortable feelings - as unpleasant as they might be, difficult feelings will be there. Feel them rather than hide from them; they do come and go

3. having a good cry – according to biochemist and “tear expert” Dr. William Frey, tears contain stress hormones that are excreted from the body through crying

4. taking things in, moment-by-moment - fight the tendency to operate on auto-pilot

5. recirculating moments of joy – everyday, train your brain to notice the things that have gone well that day

6. focusing on doing what works – do what is most effective in the moment, rather than dwelling on what's fair, unfair, should, should not, etc

7. living a valued life – What matters to you? What do you want to live for? Doing those things will bring you vitality and meaning even when life gets tough

Thoughts? Would love to hear them! Need help developing these habits? I'm here!