In Washington State, it has been 7.5 weeks since the first reported COVID death and six weeks since the shelter-in-place order. This all feels like a long time ago and also only a few weeks ago. We’ve all done our best at coping, at taking things day-by-day. Whether you’re a frontline worker, employed and working from home, or someone out of work, if you find that your old coping skills are not working like they used to, you’re not alone.

There are a number of reasons why the usual coping methods haven’t worked:

Your access to coping strategies is limited. If you used to grab coffee with a friend, workout at the gym, or grocery shop for fun, those coping skills are no longer available to you. Meeting virtually is not the same, it’s hard to put structure around your online workouts and you’re needing to readjust your mask while dodging shoppers who are not respecting your six feet bubble. Whatever adaptation you’ve made to cope with the added stress has its limits.
You’re dipping in and out of survival mode. If you feel like you’ve gotten into a routine last week, there’s no guarantee that this next week will stay the same. If you had a work crunch where your self-care went out the window for just a few days, the impact of getting takeouts, staying sedentary and feeling socially disconnected can easily be amplified during a pandemic. It can be hard to maintain your gains.
You have less bandwidth for curiosity and exploration. Pre-COVID, when there isn't a global state of threat, transition and overwhelm, you have more bandwidth to approach your children’s questions, your partner’s bad day, or the problem at work with curiosity. “What’s going on?” “Help me understand…” “How do I solve this?” On the other hand, when we’re under constant threat and stimulation, even a neutral event can make the best of us more irritated or withdrawn.

Emily Nagoski, a famous sex educator, describes two opposing responses when rats were placed in a normal stress, highly relaxed or highly stressful environments. Rats tend to either approach or avoid. In her TedTalk titled, “The keys to a happier, healthier sex life,” the lab rat experiment starts at minute 5:12 -

If you’re feeling more like, “Wah! What the hell is going on?!” that makes a lot of sense.

So when your usual coping skills are not working like they used to, what do you do?

Develop new ways of coping. This seems like a no-brainer, but we all have a tendency to do more of the same while expecting different results. You will visit a coffee shop again, work out at the gym and leisurely gather items on your list at the grocery store — just not now. What are some things you can do now? Can you imagine building a vegetable garden for the first time, taking walks and discovering new streets in your neighborhood, or finally dusting off your sketchbook? Is an online yoga class more tolerable with a friend? When you gather your social circle and everyone actually put on real clothes and order pizza from Tutta Bella, would that make Zoom movie night feel more “together”?
Be okay with some ups and downs and take baby steps. If you didn’t take care of yourself as well as you could have before, it is okay to start today. Expect that you’ll be thrown off schedule at times, and then get back on. Do you need to safeguard your Sundays to prepare for the week? How much takeout is too much? Would doing 20-minutes of a workout be better than doing none? Just as the cumulative effects of stress are felt over time, so are the cumulative effects of self-care.
Reach out for help when you want it, not just when in need. If you’re used to toughing it out, now is not the best time. You don’t have to wait until you’ve hit rock bottom to ask for help. Your difficulties make sense and your friends can come alongside you to share your burdens. Dare to ask for a check-in, a card, a care package, a surprise. Be patient because it’s more effort making it to the post office, because Amazon deliveries take longer. And for once, stop thinking about giving back. Just receive and know that this is someone else thinking and caring for you.

If you need help, don’t hesitate to reach out. We’re here for you.

Warmly,
Ada