Tips from a Therapist: How to Be a Better Friend and Listener

A couple of months ago, I went out for lunch with some of my college friends. We caught a glimpse of the early summer weather on a Redmond patio. We don’t see each other often, but when we do, it’s as if time never passed. We teased and caught up with each other. There was a certain ease that long-time friends bring. 

I was sharing one of my recent relationship struggles, when my friends nodded and gave me their undivided attention. One of them asked me a question, which prompted me to keep going. After all, I had more to say on this matter. I had barely taken a few minutes of airtime when, during a short pause, another of our friends began telling their story. Now I know it was their way of relating to what I had to say, but it was no longer about my experience. It became theirs and it never came back to me. 

This left me feeling like I was dropped. 

As a therapist, I know these moments happen all the time. There were quite a few of us. It was noisy outside. It’s not like we had a talking stick to pass around. But having been through these experiences, I know there are ways we can share space while feeling heard. 

Here are some tips to consider the next time you’re with your friends: 

1. Hear them out

   A few minutes can feel like a long time but it really isn’t. They’re formulating their thoughts to put things in a nutshell. There are natural pauses for them to catch their breath. When was the last time you got undivided attention for a long stretch of time that isn’t in a therapist’s office or sitting around a Healing Circle? Here, you’re offering something therapeutic to your friend by letting them have the floor. If they have more to say, it means they’re not done. Let them go for a bit longer. Another few minutes of airtime can make the difference between feeling heard and feeling dropped. 

2. Validate what they’re going through

   This is an age-old method for helping someone feel heard and understood. This is not about you being totally on board with what they have to say, thinking that you would’ve felt the same or made the same choice if the tables were turned. Rather, this is about you putting yourself in their shoes and walking around in them. You, in their shoes. You, for a moment, sense their struggle and see why it could be difficult for them, even if it wouldn’t be difficult for you. Saying things like, “That sounds hard!” or “Yep, that would suck!” can go a long way. That’s because for a moment, you allowed yourself to be them. 

3. Hold off on your own story

   You likely have a story you can draw upon. Much like the #MeToo movement, it helps to know that you’re not alone when you hear other people’s stories and can share yours. However, just wait a few more minutes. If your story is also top of mind for you, you’ll have your turn. Don’t cut in when someone is still in the thick of their story. Assuming you’re surrounded by friends who have a deep respect for each other, your friends will make space for you. 

That day, I just needed a few more minutes to share the impact this struggle had on me and then I would have been ready to move on. I wasn’t looking for someone to problem-solve or even tell me they had a similar struggle. I only wanted to be heard.

You might ask, “Well, why didn’t you bring the conversation back to you”? By then, the topic swiftly moved on to dynamics between two people, which evolved into pets, kids and travel. The wind had been knocked out of my sails and I knew conversation would flow better if we just kept going. 

Hearing you out

When clients have friends and family who hear them out, that makes our job as therapists easier. I’m often grateful when clients talk about their good friends and how supported they feel. Of course, your friends can’t be your therapist and that’s where we come in. We can hear you out, make it about you, validate what you’re going through, and only share something from our lives if it can help you. And ultimately, we want to help you towards your goals, however that might further your life. 

If you need undivided attention, 55-min at a time, we’ll be here. 

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. She’s grateful for her friends and despite them missing each other at times, they’re there to support and care for each other. She hopes that even in moments of disconnection, you can find your way back to your people too.

Tips for your Relationship while Setting Up your New Home

No matter how long you’ve been with your partner new situations come up, and when they do you learn something about yourself, something about them. As mentioned, my partner and I recently bought a house and moved. It hasn’t always been easy, but it helps to be working together rather than against each other. 

Having a new space comes with decisions about setting up your home. What kind of decor and furnishings do you want and where? What style are you going for? Do you want a security system and if so, which company do you go with? While this is still a work in progress for us, we’ve figured out a few tips along the way. 

Decisions you make on your own 

Do you ask your partner about most items you want to purchase or is it a surprise when the delivery comes? Do you set things up on your own or consult the other first? For us, it depends on whose “department” it is, how big the item is, and how much the item is. My partner likes to tinker with tech and he’s much better at understanding the mechanics of how something works. Thus, he can be in charge of replacing light switches and setting up the wifi and sound system. I need to know very little about what he’s doing in those departments, knowing that he reads reviews and chooses a middle-of-the-road product for us. 

I’m much better at organizing and balancing function with aesthetics. My partner doesn’t care where I put most things, provided I can help locate them when needed. It makes sense I’d be on the one scouring OfferUp looking for used furniture with drawers to hide our shit.

There are some decisions you and your partner can each make on your own given your interests and skill sets.

Decisions you make together 

I once had a friend who decided he and his partner wanted a baby grand piano and while she was out of town, he bought it as a “surprise” for her. Plopped in the middle of their family room, it took up more space than expected. Needless to say, it would’ve helped if they had made the purchase together. 

When it’s an item for personal use that’s larger than a certain size, my partner and I talk about it. That includes a piano keyboard, an exercise ball, and an under desk treadmill. We also need to agree on bigger items that will be in the common area, be it a couch, a bookshelf, or our dining set. When it’s a more expensive purchase, that deserves discussion as well. 

Lastly, where there’s an overlapping “department” issue, decisions should be made jointly. An example being my partner put up an alarm sensor, which was awkwardly placed in the corner of the room. The alarm system is his department, but things looking good is mine. We ended up taking the sensor off, chipping paint, and repositioning it. One of us was more upset about the chipped paint. We’ve since decided that if it’s something permanent that involves drilled holes or strong adhesive, I need to be roped in. 

Knowing what’s important to the other matters, which brings me to my last point. 

Being okay with differences 

Because my partner and I are different, it helps to be accepting of the other as their own person with their abilities, liabilities and preferences. While my partner is spatially strong and able to visualize how something looks, I’m challenged in that area. This led to us having to move and re-move our couch and rug like six times for me to see how putting those pieces at an angle does not work. While my partner would jokingly say, “I told you so!”, I wasn’t able to visualize it until I actually experienced it. 

Another example is how we have mismatched bar stools in our kitchen because he didn’t want to get rid of the old ones while I’ve gone on to prefer a different style. We plan to just leave it as it is; it is after all our home. 

Going through major transitions together 

Be it moving to a new state, a new home, or starting a new job, life is full of transitions. We have counselors here who are ready to help you tackle these changes with greater ease. 

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. In the spring, she cares about weeding and making the garden look nice, while her partner is into setting up the sprinkler system. There’s probably more to lawn care than those things, but she has decided that’s a good start for newbies.

Three Reasons Why Traditional Talk Therapy Still Matters in the Age of TalkSpace and BetterHelp, Plus a Bonus

In the age of TalkSpace, BetterHelp, and Cerebral, traditional talk therapy is getting a bad rap. While these app-based services helped to create greater accessibility to mental health services, the pandemic has moved most mental health services online. Masked in-person visits provide social connection for those who want to leave the house, while the ease of commuting only 20 steps to your appointment is also an option. As a therapist trained in providing mid and long-term therapy, there are several reasons why I believe traditional talk therapy still matters. 

Longevity of relationship 

There are some clients I’ve known through job changes, a miscarriage and pregnancy, heartbreaks and new relationships. I’ve seen them through milestones and walked with them through peaks and valleys. 

There’s something sacred about being known and seen, when the relationship goes deep and is built through seasons of life and living. While texts and emails can be ways to connect, they are no quick fixes or replacement for a consistent human connection. This doesn’t mean you need to stay in therapy for a long time; clients come and go and come back, now with kids and new problems to tackle. The difference is they don’t have to start from scratch. 

Know how you tick

It takes time to get to know someone and be known. Some people are slow to warm up so rapport and progress can’t be rushed. Overtime, I get to know how clients respond across situations and we notice patterns. It's common for me to say in sessions, “We know this about you…” or for clients to say, “You know me so well I can say this to you…”

This deep knowing doesn’t come through brief interactions over text or voice note. This deep knowing allows for us to pivot when a modality doesn’t work, or for us to learn how to best help you. Are these conversations with your friends too hard? Let’s slice it thinner. I see that you like going on a monologue. We can take turns and I’ll reflect and make recommendations. You tend to make changes from something we talked about months ago? Now is a good time too.

Let’s do you.

Witness to your process and progress 

As both a recipient and provider of therapy, I’ve seen how progress takes time. The potential for change is understood in the history and context of the person being seen, not quick remedies to be doled out. And there’s something very healing about someone noticing those changes, witnessing that growth and reminding you how far you’ve come. “Do you remember how that used to bother you so much and now it’s just a shrug?” “You’re really noticing what’s showing up for you and pausing before reacting! Are you seeing that too?” “You’re opening up to your partner in ways you haven’t before. Wow! That’s huge!”

Who is there to see you when you’re struggling and when you’re making strides? A therapist who knows you and has been with you can be that person for you. 

A bonus: Safe parameters around the work

Most people think that traditional talk therapy requires weekly sessions, but it really depends on what you need, what your schedule allows, and what’s within your budget. Regardless of the cadence, there’s space in between sessions to process the work, without a need to constantly engage on that topic. The fact that you’ve paid into an online counseling platform like TalkSpace means you’d want to make the most out of it. I have the most beef about the messaging function which touts 24/7 accessibility to your therapist without creating safe parameters for the work. 

It is good and healthy to take a break from your problem and go on to live your life. You have other things going for you. Where you notice you’re struggling, come back to your next session and talk about it. Use the therapy space to contain your problem and know that your therapist will hold it for you until you return. There’s safety in knowing this important work has boundaries; it’s there to protect you and your therapist from burnout.

Making traditional talk therapy work 

While traditional talk therapy can feel more structured, be more cost prohibitive, and doesn’t have a flashy platform, there are ways around it. Structure is not always a bad thing and your therapist might be able to provide flexibility for shorter or less frequent sessions. Unlike online counseling platforms, talk therapy is covered or can be reimbursed by your health insurance plan. Many therapists also have a certain number of reduced fee spots reserved for under-resourced clients. 

Lastly, therapists came into this work to help people, and tech platforms that are built for therapists are not the most user-friendly. So, when you see therapy practices cobbling multiple systems together to provide a service to you or there are glitches in the systems they use, please know they’re doing the best they can with the resources they have. 

There’s help for you

Regardless of how you go about nurturing your mental health, there’s help for you. We have a team of licensed mental health professionals who will take the time to get to know you and meet you in real time. We’ll make recommendations tailored to you and your needs and see you through your process and your progress. 

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. She’s grateful to her therapist who witnessed her ugly tears around family issues in grad school and saw her gush over the man she ended up marrying, to the eventual meeting of this man for couples counseling. There’s comfort in being known and accepted through time.

Here’s Another Way to Say No

Photo by Chris Ainsworth on Unsplash

I remember years ago sitting in a Starbucks with a friend who told me, “I said no the wrong way. I say yes, and then no.” At the time, I simply accepted the statement, but now I’m thinking, What’s so wrong about that?

Recently a friend of mine got COVID while her partner was out of town. A mutual friend put out a request that it would help her greatly if our small community could take turns bringing over food and some groceries. One person had already delivered chicken soup but additional volunteers were needed. We were out on an RV trip and still a week from being home, but I asked for her address thinking I’d have a box of goodies delivered to cheer her up. 

We were boondocking and didn’t always have the best cell service. I’d try logging on at night, looking up groceries and treats to delight her, but for one reason or another, the search took forever, the box wasn’t going to arrive until a week later... I frankly wasn’t in the right headspace to figure out what to put in the cart. 

Finally I texted the group, saying that I overcommitted and wouldn’t be able to help this time. Someone else dropped off food and soon after that, her partner came home. 

Looking back, I could’ve paused before committing to something. My heart went out to her and what would’ve been an easy ask felt much harder to deliver. The thing is, while it was difficult to say yes and then no, it would’ve been even more difficult to keep saying yes when the answer is now a no. 

It is okay to change your mind, to realize you overdid your schedule and to go back on a request. While there are some decisions that are better made without waffling back and forth, others can be changed. I’m not encouraging you to develop a habit of saying yes and then no. Rather, I’m inviting you to listen to your physical and emotional bandwidth and how they differ from day-to-day.

There’s more than one way to say no and that’s okay. 

If you need help setting boundaries in your life, our team of counselors are here to help! We’d help you pull through the commitments you swear by and support you in letting go of the things that are now a no. 

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. Today, she said yes to a morning run before it got too hot outside. Tonight, she’d say no to cooking and heat up some frozen dumplings. May your day be filled with yeses and nos.

Three Tips on How to be a Good Friend During a Medical Emergency

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Having been through a family medical emergency recently, how to best support the immediate family is top of mind. Friends and the larger community come with the best intentions, but sometimes, things get missed. Here are a few tips on how to be a good friend during these critical times. 

1. Drop off food in disposable tupperware - During a medical emergency, the last thing the family needs to worry about are dishes. If you want to drop off food, and there’s no obligation to, use unquestionably disposable tupperwares that do not need to be returned. If the family doesn’t answer the door, leave food on the porch and text. If they do answer the door, keep the conversation short. They might not have the emotional capacity to engage right now. 

2. Expect no responses - Everyone is different and we all respond to situations in our own way. When you reach out to your friend to show care and support, expect no responses. If they engage, great! If they don’t, let them be. They’re not trying to be offensive; they’re simply preserving their emotional and physical energy to cope with their loss. 

3. Respect your friend’s wishes - If you hear through the grapevine that your friend doesn’t want to be contacted for the time being, you’re no exception. Just because you’ve known them for a long time or you’ve been through similar situations doesn’t make you the person they want to talk to right now. Chances are, if and when they want to talk, you might very well be on speed dial. Until then, respect their wishes for limited contact. 

Similarly, if they requested vegetarian dishes and you make a great meat lasagna that they used to love, listen to what they’re wanting right now. A meal for two with no leftovers is not a code word for something else. 

It is hard to not be able to give the help and support you want to give when your friend is suffering. This is the time for your friend; not for you. When the tables are turned, I hope they’d show up for you too, in ways you find most supportive to you. 

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. She’s grateful for the power of friendships and how they can ease emotional burden during human suffering. Thanks for being that friend. 

How to be an Emotional Support Human during a Medical Emergency

I’m writing this from out of town following a family medical emergency. The days are long and the waiting is hard. Little comments bring tears to our eyes, after which we move onto what needs to be done by whom when. Someone once said, “There is as much life in a moment of pain as there is in a moment of joy”.* We’re trying to take in all the moments.

As a trained therapist, my family is obviously not my clients. However, when one of us is upset, I naturally step in to give permission to feel our feelings, to provide empathy and validation, to give a hug and to remind everyone what the medical team has said. I think about pets and how they can be emotionally supportive and soothing during upsetting times. What can we learn from animals on how to be emotionally supportive during a medical emergency? 

Three tips to be an emotionally supportive human

When you don’t know what to say, say nothing

Animals don’t talk; they stay close and make themselves available. They sense that you’re in distress and they come near. People have the best intentions and they want to be supportive, but when they don’t know what to say, they can say the weirdest sh*t. “Oh, they’ve lived a long life,” or “At least you get to marry somebody else,” or “A similar thing happened to my sister…” and then they go on to tell their story.

Just. Stop. Talking. 

And never begin sentences with, “At least…” These words convey the opposite of empathy. For example, “At least they’re in a better place” is to say it’s a good thing that the person is no longer with us. When someone is grieving a loss and missing the person, that might not be comforting. 

Similarly, when you begin sentences with the words, “I’m glad…”, for the grieving, there might be nothing glad about the situation, not in that moment of pain. So, before you say something, ask yourself if it’s to make you feel better or do you really have the other person in mind? If it’s for you, keep it to yourself.

Keep your judgement to yourself

Animals don’t judge; their presence is unconditional. You can have bad breath, the worst hair day, be in a bad mood, feel horrible about yourself… It doesn't matter. When you want to climb into a hole, your emotional support animal climbs in there with you. 

People have judgments about what should’ve happened to prevent this or that or how something should be handled now that we’re where we are. People have opinions and some people have more than one, which inadvertently places judgment on an already very sad and heavy situation. 

Before you share your opinion, ask yourself, “Am I just saying this to be heard or is this solely to benefit the other person?” If it’s the latter, ask for permission to share. “I have a thought about this. Would you want to hear it?” It’s an overwhelming time for families going through a medical emergency. Even if you’re trying to be helpful with your comments, now might not be the time. Be respectful of how much information can be absorbed. Even good and helpful things can be left unsaid. 

Take care of basic needs

Under stress, there’s a tendency to throw basic self-care out the window. I’m talking about drinking water, going to the bathroom, keeping good posture, regulating your body temperature, etc. As an emotional support human, remind people to do these basic things. “It’s time to take a break from visiting and go for a walk” or “Let’s eat something now”. Be respectful and gentle with these prompts and never demanding. If it can be helpful, let them know the person they’re visiting would want that for them too. 

Taking care of basic needs would include your needs too. Imagine an emotional support animal that is sleep deprived, hungry, dirty and holding in their pee. They can get agitated, be smelly or accidentally wet the couch. Take breaks, keep up with your personal hygiene and get some air. You can only be emotionally supportive if you stay healthy and well. 

Take good care. 

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. After this blog, she’ll do some light stretching on Peloton and go for a long walk. Just taking it a moment at a time. 

A Non-Holiday Blog on Self-Compassion

It’s the holidays again and I, for one, do not know how 2021 passed us by. Rather than inundating you with another blog on how to survive an endemic holiday, here’s a poem by James Crews to remind you of self-compassion to take with you into the holiday season and beyond:

Self-Compassion

My friend and I snickered the first time

we heard the meditation teacher, a grown man,

call himself honey, with a hand placed

over his heart to illustrate how we too 

might become more gentle with ourselves

and our runaway minds. It’s been years

since we sat with legs twisted on cushions,

holding back our laughter, but today

I found myself crouched on the floor again,

not meditating exactly, just agreeing

to be still, saying honey to myself each time

I thought about my husband splayed

on the couch with aching joints and fever

from a tick bite—what if he never gets better?—

or considered the threat of more wildfires,

the possible collapse of the Gulf Stream,

then remembered that in a few more minutes, 

I’d have to climb down to the cellar and empty

the bucket I placed beneath a leaky pipe

that can’t be fixed until next week. How long

do any of us really have before the body

begins to break down and empty its mysteries

into the air? Oh honey, I said—for once

without a trace of irony or blush of shame—

the touch of my own hand on my chest

like that of a stranger, oddly comforting

in spite of the facts.

- James Crews 

However you wrap up 2021, may your heart be filled with Oh honey, and your hand, self-directed, bring stillness and comfort. 

We look forward to being with you in 2022. 

With care,
The team at People Bloom

People of Color May Have their Defenses Up, and with Good Reason

Photo by Alan Billyeald on Unsplash

Our recent adventure

Husband and I went on an RV trip to Central California in late-September. School has resumed; it’s time to travel in the off-season and enjoy the changing fall colors. We went as far as the south bay to visit my in-laws and then to the Stanislaus National Forest where my husband used to camp every year growing up. We had many memorable moments, but what stuck out was an experience that helped deepen my understanding of what BIPOC and other marginalized groups might feel on a regular basis. 

We pulled into a busy campground close to San Francisco on a busy weekend. The site was packed and fully booked, hustling and bustling with people. Kids were playing, riding on scooters, swimming, and visiting the petting farm. It was happenin’! At check-in, we were told our campsite with full hook up does not have a sewage hookup. However, these “VIP spots” involve a dark and grey water tank truck that comes by 8 am in the morning to empty it for us. Thus, we were told to leave our box unlocked. 

All that was fine. By now, the sun had 45 minutes to set. I was ready to get our rig set up so I can go for a quick jog, so time is of the essence. We rolled into our spot and there was not one, but two cars parked there. One of its owners quickly moved out while the other owner was nowhere to be found. While I know in my head that everything takes longer during COVID, it is no less frustrating to wait for someone to move their vehicle so our evening could continue. 

Things don’t always go as planned

Husband and I did the best we could, coming head-to-head to the vehicle and starting to level with blocks as best we could. By now, I’d given up hope that I could go for my jog. After 15 minutes of waiting,  the property manager finally drove up in his golf cart carrying the driver of the remaining vehicle. Looking sheepish and with a faint smile on his face, he hopped into his vehicle without a word and drove off. 

I was upset. What the fuck was that? We had to re-park and re-level, taking up more of our time. If one of us were a white male, would the dude have apologized before driving off? Being Asian-American looking, even though our identities are much more complicated than that, it’s one of those things we’d never know. It’s also hard to not notice how many of the RVers are White, as RVing amongst POC, while growing during the pandemic, is still lagging. Here’s an article about the outdoors being a predominantly White pastime. 

Sigh. After chatting with my husband and naming what this brought up for me, I could either stay upset or move on with my evening. I did my workout in the RV instead, careful to lay off on the jumping, and carried on. 

The gut punch came the next day, or at least what I thought was the last straw that broke the camel’s back.

The tipping point

We left our tank hookup area unlocked, as suggested by the office. When we went to detach the water source the next morning, we found a pinch-off lock tool in the place of one of the shutoff valve handles for the fresh water drain. Did the rig rental come like that? Why didn’t we notice it, having done hookups multiple times during the beginning of the trip? By now, it is hard for my mind to not go to this place of us having been pranked. Hatred against Asian Americans has been on the rise since COVID and as much as we tried to continue to live our lives as best we could, I felt less safe in that moment.

When microaggressions add up

I’m usually a friendly person, but now, I have the resting bitch face on. Looking unfriendly feels protective and gives the message, “Don’t mess with me”. 

My husband, being a fourth-generation Japanese American, is a bit more removed from his Japanese racial and cultural identity. He took the more neutral position and kept questioning whether this was how we picked up the rental. Following his lead, I jumped on the conclusion bandwagon and emailed the manager of the RV rental company with photos. Within hours, he got back to us, saying that’s how the rig came and they’re waiting for a replacement part to arrive.

Now, you could say I misunderstood or wrongly thought we had a target on our backs. That was partly the case, but think about the experiences we had that led up to the last event: two cars parked in our spot, no apologies from the driver who kept us waiting, the sight of mostly White neighbors when we’re used to seeing other POC in our Seattle communities… Everyone can misunderstand at times; that’s part of being human. But when people from historically and all the more currently marginalized communities go through life, thoughts about whether they were treated one way or another because of their race, culture, sexual orientation, language, appearance, etc., can become top of mind. 

The right to not be friendly

With time, my resting bitch face slowly melted away because I felt mostly safe in the dominant culture, tapping into adaptive strategies to keep going. I went on with the rest of my trip, waving and saying hi to strangers, like my usual self. But through all this, I was reminded that people don’t have to be friendly back. People from marginalized groups can have additional reasons for how they show up in the world. Being friendly and smiley to strangers may be welcomed in some cultures but not others. People might just want to go on their walk and be left alone, and that’s ok. Just because I want to tell people I see them does not mean they need to reciprocate. Whatever they might be going through, ignoring me is a valid response.

All that to say, our inner experiences affect how we show up in the world. It’s not good or bad, right or wrong. It just is. If you need help navigating your intersecting identities, our counselors are here for you. We are a diverse group of people and personalities, with different lived experiences. I hope we can help!

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. She identifies as a Hong Kong immigrant, Canadian, US permanent resident, cis-gender woman. That is so much more than being Asian American. For that reason, she celebrates the identities that make you uniquely you. 

Letting Go When a Friendship Ends

Photo by Clarisse Meyer on Unsplash

There’s so much advice and guidance out there on how to heal from break ups. If you just broke up with your honey, Cosmo gives you full permission to have a good cry, bust out bonbons, put on a Rom Com and stay in bed all week. But there’s very little in the self-help world about what to do when platonic friends go separate ways.

We’ve all been there - and it feels weird and confusing.

Why we hang on

Sometimes we hang on to friendships because we don’t know any better. We do it because the friendship is comfortable and it’s scary to walk away.Other times we hang on to friends because of fear that we’ll hurt their feelings if we leave their side. Still other times, we cling because it’s what we know, and it's hard to imagine our life without the person we were once close to.

Why we break up 

Even if you had amazing times with a friend in the past, it doesn’t mean that connection was meant to last forever. As we get older, we often change so much that we’re no longer compatible with old friends. Or maybe you’ve stayed the same, but your friend’s interests and values have shifted, or vice versa.  Sometimes our life circumstances change. There are countless reasons for going separate ways, and all are valid.

Not all friendships are meant to persist. With age we learn to distinguish between friendships that we should fight to keep, and those we should release. If you tune into what fills your cup, you know deep down what’s best for you.

Whether you have a conversation about breaking up or the friendship dissipates on its own, it can be uncomfortable. Telling someone you can’t be their friend feels harsh, even if your words are true. Ghosting feels flakey and lacks heart.

However you go about ending a friendship, it’s ok to free yourself of the guilt you feel. Keeping a friendship that no longer works for you can feel disingenuous. It is likely taking up spoons that you can use elsewhere. When you let go of a friendship, you’re setting boundaries and doing what’s best for you.

When a friend lets us go

Sometimes we’re the ones hanging on to the past. In this case, you and your bygone friend aren’t on the same page - you want to fight for a friendship, but you see signs that your friend doesn’t reciprocate this feeling. If you were once close, this can feel as painful as a romantic break-up, and no one ever prepared us for this scenario.  

The comfort I want to offer is this: know that parting ways with friends we once loved is common and normal. Friendship goes through seasons and sometimes, these relationships wither and don’t make it to that next season. Mourn the friendship by remembering the good things, and then honor your friend’s choice to let you go. 

And it’s also ok if it takes time to accept. When you have to say goodbye to friendships that mattered at one point, it makes sense that it would hurt. There’s no manual for how to do it right, or how to heal So, take your time getting over this breakup like you would a relationship breakup. Significant friendships were once intimate after all.

Finding your own closure

Because the end of a friendship is usually muddled in a grey area and doesn’t always get the closure that some romantic partnerships do, you may have to say your goodbyes on your own.  You can do this in a journal, in your thoughts and prayers, or in conversations with people you trust. Honor these past friends by acknowledging the good things they brought to your life in the season you had together. There was a time when it served you both well. It wasn’t all for nothing but it’s also time to move on.

Friendship breakups can be disorienting - but they are part of being social creatures, and I’m certain they’re the topic of many therapy sessions. If you need extra support, our therapists can guide you through this change in season, and help you see that your life can be whole, even as friends come and go

Let us know if we can help!

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Karen Lenz is the Office Whiz and Insurance Guru at People Bloom Counseling. She writes blog posts as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. She has noticed that old friends from past lives coming out of the woodwork during the pandemic and decided to share some reflections on those that have gone their own way.

How to Talk to your Partner to Get at the Heart of the Matter

Photo by David Dvořáček on Unsplash

Change my partner!

Sometimes, couples come into our offices and they want to see behavioral changes: “He needs to not log back into work after the kids are in bed…” or “They need to go out with their friends less often!” or “I can’t stand her telling me what to do throughout the day!”

“They need to STOP!!!”

During these incidents, emotions run high and they get stuck on what the partner needs to do differently for the relationship to improve. As a couples therapist, I’m often attuned to what’s really going on underneath. What message does it send you when your partner does this or that? And even then, it’s much safer and less vulnerable to focus on behavioral changes. I slipped into a moment like that myself a few weeks back. 

Here’s what happened. 

Lost track of time

Husband plays online board games on Monday and Wednesday. It’s his time with his friends and I totally support him. One of these nights happened to fall on the second Seattle heat wave and we usually would move the portable AC unit from his office to our bedroom to help cool down the space for sleep. Husband is usually done by 10:30pm-ish, but on this night, he totally lost track of time. 

His gaming session was lively and I waited and waited and waited. Surely he’ll be done by 11pm. Right when I’d think about interrupting him, I’d tell myself he can’t be that much longer. At my wit’s end, I finally peeked in and said, “I need the AC.” 

Husband sprang up from his chair and said, “Oh shit!” apologizing profusely when he reached the bedroom. I was fuming and couldn’t muster up any helpful words. Husband then returned to finish the game, as he couldn’t possibly leave his team high and dry. It was at that time I remembered how it takes time for the AC to cool down an inside temperature of 96F.

Needless to say, I couldn’t fall asleep. 

What’s really going on

My husband came to bed eventually and I said the easier thing, “We need to set up a time limit for board game night so that you are done by 11pm.” Definitely casting blame, I was asking for a behavioral change to prevent future occurrences. Husband then got hung up on problem solving with me: “Are you saying I need to be done by 11pm or I need to have the AC in here by 11pm?”

By now, it’s late and pointless to get into a board game curfew. So instead of insisting on the behavioral change, I went to the heart of the matter: “I felt forgotten when you had the AC blasting in your office while the bedroom was steaming hot and I have to get up early for work tomorrow.” Husband apologized, said he got carried away with the game and asked that I interrupt him earlier next time. 

What’s different about this interaction is that I told him how I truly felt and he heard me, without dismissing or minimizing my experience. To tell him I felt forgotten was significantly harder than focusing on what he needs to change. It required me to be in touch with that hurt and to own my vulnerability. And, seeing his impact on me in this way, that tugged at his heart string in a deeper way.

On the outside perhaps the result looks the same, regardless of approach: We’d both work to prevent this from happening in the future. I can come in to interrupt him sooner and he can try to remember that if the AC is still blasting in his office at 10:30pm at night, the unit is likely needed elsewhere. If you look a little closer, however, there’s a difference: I could either try to micromanage him, which leads to emotional disconnection. Or, when his behavior has an impact on me, I could share what it brings up for me and how it affects me.

Because I did the latter in this case, he was receptive, and it brought us closer together. 

Future late nights

Last week, my husband came to bed late again, but this time it was work-related. I went into his office to say goodnight and asked him to give me a kiss when he comes to bed. The next morning, I asked if that happened and he said yes. He said I moved briefly but was otherwise asleep. It felt sweet to know that he remembered. That’s all that mattered. 

Go beyond behavioral changes

When you come into our office, we want to help you get to the heart of the matter. When you bring up what you want to see change in your partner, our couples therapists are here to help you go deeper. We don’t just want to help you change your behaviors; we want to help you feel closer and more connected to your partner.

Don’t settle for less.

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. As with many of these posts, her husband gave permission to share their moments of humanity. She wouldn’t be able to do this work without his support and his kisses.