How to Renovate while Staying Sane and Without Killing your Partner

The pandemic has changed the way we view our homes. It’s a safe haven, a place where we live and work, and open up to host others. Many people engaged in DIY projects while spending an extended amount of time at home. Home Depot parking lots were full, even when other places were sparse. While it would be lovely if my partner and I were more handy, we once spent two and a half days and four trips to Home Depot just to change out an existing hood range. We also used three different drill bits and spent almost two hours putting up a pre-made blind. 

I’m not exaggerating. 

We have our strengths, but DIY projects that involve more than putting up a towel bar are not one of them. Thus, rather than spending many months half-assing DIY projects that we’d ultimately need to call contractors to come and fix, we knew we had to hire out. 

It can be really hard to write about a stressful experience when you’re still in the middle of it. That’s what happened when my partner and I spent eight weeks renovating this past fall, and I can only recount the experience a couple of months later. While we love our new home, and we packed, moved and set up without a hitch, the renovation was a different story. The stress level was a close second to other stressful events we’ve experienced apart or together.

We survived it without going bat-sh*t crazy or killing each other, but it was a long eight weeks, with many of the designs and decisions made prior to. Not-surprisingly, 12 percent of couples consider divorce while going through renovation. Part of this can be attributed to couples looking to a major life change to help save their already struggling relationship, but I can see why a home improvement project can put a strain on even a relatively good relationship.

With some lived experience under my belt, here are a few tips on how to renovate while staying sane, plus more tips for your relationship. 

Expect people to make mistakes

You don’t need to wait for the other shoe to drop, but expect that things won’t go as planned. The measurements were off, even though two contractors measured the space at two different times. Forty-six percent of the tiles arrived broken. The tiles installed in the inner kitchen corners were off-centered. Like, really off-centered. The contractor didn’t use the matching items we purchased and did their own thing. While some of these can be fixed, others are permanent. Initially frustrated, I’ve needed to learn the imperfection of it all as people tried their best to make our dreams come true.

This naturally leads me to the next point. 

Expect that you’ll also have regrets

Contractors are not the only ones who make mistakes; so can you. We thought we’d like ball catch closet doors, but now we understand why they were bifolds to begin with. I thought the tub would be too big but now it’s too small. I didn’t see how the countertop needed to be cut to accommodate not just the sink, but the matching cutting board. All this to say, we didn’t have experience to foresee these happenings but now we do. 

And that’s okay. 

Renovations always take longer

It helped that we were able to start on the demo a couple of weeks earlier than expected, but we couldn’t have accounted for the tub never arriving, the forgotten lazy Susan, or the shower door guys returning for the third time. We came right up against an out-of-town trip, so don’t do what we did! Give yourself at least a two week buffer. Try to not schedule any trips or guests immediately after the (new) planned end date. 

Enjoy your new space.

You will go over your budget

The costs of materials have gone up exponentially and contractual labor is in high demand. Renovations are just expensive. Despite your best intentions, you will go over your budget. In order to add a new sink, new pipes need to be rerouted. The kitchen will look more open if we also cut into this wall. Extra insulation was needed given what’s behind the wall. As our contractors billed by the hour, extra time and materials really added up. We made sure we saved a ballpark figure before we took the plunge, but even that was exceeded, thankfully not by too much. 

Couples often experience a renovation together, so the above tips will affect you both. But specific to your relationship, here are a few more tips:

Know your differences

It helps to know your differences going into a big renovation project. My partner cares that things function well; I care that things look good. He can imagine how something will look; I need a sketch or a picture to know what we’re dealing with. He wants to make sure there’s room to move around; I want spaces optimized. (Except for the shower niches, I wanted bigger ones or more than one, but that didn’t happen.) 

So, at the end of the day, when things don’t match or tiles don’t line up, but they’re still functional, guess who was more affected? 

It’s not a right or wrong, but it helps to know that we don’t experience the same situation the same way, nor do we have to. But we can still honor each other’s differences and how things show up for us differently. 

Let the other person lead in areas they care more about

When something bothers you, it means you care about that area more. Listen to that voice, give it air time, and ask to lead in that area. It helped that I narrowed down the design ideas and we made choices from within those limits. After all, I’m the person who cared that things looked pretty. My partner cared more about how things worked, so he took half a day to follow the electrician around so he can better understand how things were wired. That would’ve put me to sleep. 

I’m glad we complement each other in these ways. And even then, we were in constant communication. This brings me to my last point. 

Keep communicating, with contractors and with each other

For all the reasons mentioned, things will show up differently for you and your partner. I was more bothered by the aesthetics, so my poor partner heard about it more often than he’d like. And we had needed to learn that just because I’m airing my grievances to him, does not mean he needed to fix it. I only wanted him to hear me out, even if he didn’t agree. It was still up to me to communicate directly to the contractors what needs to be fixed, and to be present for the work. 

Some people really enjoy the renovation process. For us, we learned what not to do, some things about ourselves and each other, but mostly we are happy that it’s finally over. 

What about you?

Life transitions like a renovation can be very stressful. It can make the most adaptive person lose their sh*t. It can also put a strain on your relationship. We have therapists who can help you weather through these stressful situations. We want to help you grow through these life challenges, and for your relationship to come out stronger on the other side. 

Let us help! 

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. Of the few DIY projects she and her partner did together, she has learned that there’s nothing awe-inspiring about switching out can lights. It was best to keep her mouth closed.

Tips from a Therapist: How to Be a Better Friend and Listener

A couple of months ago, I went out for lunch with some of my college friends. We caught a glimpse of the early summer weather on a Redmond patio. We don’t see each other often, but when we do, it’s as if time never passed. We teased and caught up with each other. There was a certain ease that long-time friends bring. 

I was sharing one of my recent relationship struggles, when my friends nodded and gave me their undivided attention. One of them asked me a question, which prompted me to keep going. After all, I had more to say on this matter. I had barely taken a few minutes of airtime when, during a short pause, another of our friends began telling their story. Now I know it was their way of relating to what I had to say, but it was no longer about my experience. It became theirs and it never came back to me. 

This left me feeling like I was dropped. 

As a therapist, I know these moments happen all the time. There were quite a few of us. It was noisy outside. It’s not like we had a talking stick to pass around. But having been through these experiences, I know there are ways we can share space while feeling heard. 

Here are some tips to consider the next time you’re with your friends: 

1. Hear them out

   A few minutes can feel like a long time but it really isn’t. They’re formulating their thoughts to put things in a nutshell. There are natural pauses for them to catch their breath. When was the last time you got undivided attention for a long stretch of time that isn’t in a therapist’s office or sitting around a Healing Circle? Here, you’re offering something therapeutic to your friend by letting them have the floor. If they have more to say, it means they’re not done. Let them go for a bit longer. Another few minutes of airtime can make the difference between feeling heard and feeling dropped. 

2. Validate what they’re going through

   This is an age-old method for helping someone feel heard and understood. This is not about you being totally on board with what they have to say, thinking that you would’ve felt the same or made the same choice if the tables were turned. Rather, this is about you putting yourself in their shoes and walking around in them. You, in their shoes. You, for a moment, sense their struggle and see why it could be difficult for them, even if it wouldn’t be difficult for you. Saying things like, “That sounds hard!” or “Yep, that would suck!” can go a long way. That’s because for a moment, you allowed yourself to be them. 

3. Hold off on your own story

   You likely have a story you can draw upon. Much like the #MeToo movement, it helps to know that you’re not alone when you hear other people’s stories and can share yours. However, just wait a few more minutes. If your story is also top of mind for you, you’ll have your turn. Don’t cut in when someone is still in the thick of their story. Assuming you’re surrounded by friends who have a deep respect for each other, your friends will make space for you. 

That day, I just needed a few more minutes to share the impact this struggle had on me and then I would have been ready to move on. I wasn’t looking for someone to problem-solve or even tell me they had a similar struggle. I only wanted to be heard.

You might ask, “Well, why didn’t you bring the conversation back to you”? By then, the topic swiftly moved on to dynamics between two people, which evolved into pets, kids and travel. The wind had been knocked out of my sails and I knew conversation would flow better if we just kept going. 

Hearing you out

When clients have friends and family who hear them out, that makes our job as therapists easier. I’m often grateful when clients talk about their good friends and how supported they feel. Of course, your friends can’t be your therapist and that’s where we come in. We can hear you out, make it about you, validate what you’re going through, and only share something from our lives if it can help you. And ultimately, we want to help you towards your goals, however that might further your life. 

If you need undivided attention, 55-min at a time, we’ll be here. 

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. She’s grateful for her friends and despite them missing each other at times, they’re there to support and care for each other. She hopes that even in moments of disconnection, you can find your way back to your people too.

Three Reasons Why Traditional Talk Therapy Still Matters in the Age of TalkSpace and BetterHelp, Plus a Bonus

In the age of TalkSpace, BetterHelp, and Cerebral, traditional talk therapy is getting a bad rap. While these app-based services helped to create greater accessibility to mental health services, the pandemic has moved most mental health services online. Masked in-person visits provide social connection for those who want to leave the house, while the ease of commuting only 20 steps to your appointment is also an option. As a therapist trained in providing mid and long-term therapy, there are several reasons why I believe traditional talk therapy still matters. 

Longevity of relationship 

There are some clients I’ve known through job changes, a miscarriage and pregnancy, heartbreaks and new relationships. I’ve seen them through milestones and walked with them through peaks and valleys. 

There’s something sacred about being known and seen, when the relationship goes deep and is built through seasons of life and living. While texts and emails can be ways to connect, they are no quick fixes or replacement for a consistent human connection. This doesn’t mean you need to stay in therapy for a long time; clients come and go and come back, now with kids and new problems to tackle. The difference is they don’t have to start from scratch. 

Know how you tick

It takes time to get to know someone and be known. Some people are slow to warm up so rapport and progress can’t be rushed. Overtime, I get to know how clients respond across situations and we notice patterns. It's common for me to say in sessions, “We know this about you…” or for clients to say, “You know me so well I can say this to you…”

This deep knowing doesn’t come through brief interactions over text or voice note. This deep knowing allows for us to pivot when a modality doesn’t work, or for us to learn how to best help you. Are these conversations with your friends too hard? Let’s slice it thinner. I see that you like going on a monologue. We can take turns and I’ll reflect and make recommendations. You tend to make changes from something we talked about months ago? Now is a good time too.

Let’s do you.

Witness to your process and progress 

As both a recipient and provider of therapy, I’ve seen how progress takes time. The potential for change is understood in the history and context of the person being seen, not quick remedies to be doled out. And there’s something very healing about someone noticing those changes, witnessing that growth and reminding you how far you’ve come. “Do you remember how that used to bother you so much and now it’s just a shrug?” “You’re really noticing what’s showing up for you and pausing before reacting! Are you seeing that too?” “You’re opening up to your partner in ways you haven’t before. Wow! That’s huge!”

Who is there to see you when you’re struggling and when you’re making strides? A therapist who knows you and has been with you can be that person for you. 

A bonus: Safe parameters around the work

Most people think that traditional talk therapy requires weekly sessions, but it really depends on what you need, what your schedule allows, and what’s within your budget. Regardless of the cadence, there’s space in between sessions to process the work, without a need to constantly engage on that topic. The fact that you’ve paid into an online counseling platform like TalkSpace means you’d want to make the most out of it. I have the most beef about the messaging function which touts 24/7 accessibility to your therapist without creating safe parameters for the work. 

It is good and healthy to take a break from your problem and go on to live your life. You have other things going for you. Where you notice you’re struggling, come back to your next session and talk about it. Use the therapy space to contain your problem and know that your therapist will hold it for you until you return. There’s safety in knowing this important work has boundaries; it’s there to protect you and your therapist from burnout.

Making traditional talk therapy work 

While traditional talk therapy can feel more structured, be more cost prohibitive, and doesn’t have a flashy platform, there are ways around it. Structure is not always a bad thing and your therapist might be able to provide flexibility for shorter or less frequent sessions. Unlike online counseling platforms, talk therapy is covered or can be reimbursed by your health insurance plan. Many therapists also have a certain number of reduced fee spots reserved for under-resourced clients. 

Lastly, therapists came into this work to help people, and tech platforms that are built for therapists are not the most user-friendly. So, when you see therapy practices cobbling multiple systems together to provide a service to you or there are glitches in the systems they use, please know they’re doing the best they can with the resources they have. 

There’s help for you

Regardless of how you go about nurturing your mental health, there’s help for you. We have a team of licensed mental health professionals who will take the time to get to know you and meet you in real time. We’ll make recommendations tailored to you and your needs and see you through your process and your progress. 

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. She’s grateful to her therapist who witnessed her ugly tears around family issues in grad school and saw her gush over the man she ended up marrying, to the eventual meeting of this man for couples counseling. There’s comfort in being known and accepted through time.

How to be an Emotional Support Human during a Medical Emergency

I’m writing this from out of town following a family medical emergency. The days are long and the waiting is hard. Little comments bring tears to our eyes, after which we move onto what needs to be done by whom when. Someone once said, “There is as much life in a moment of pain as there is in a moment of joy”.* We’re trying to take in all the moments.

As a trained therapist, my family is obviously not my clients. However, when one of us is upset, I naturally step in to give permission to feel our feelings, to provide empathy and validation, to give a hug and to remind everyone what the medical team has said. I think about pets and how they can be emotionally supportive and soothing during upsetting times. What can we learn from animals on how to be emotionally supportive during a medical emergency? 

Three tips to be an emotionally supportive human

When you don’t know what to say, say nothing

Animals don’t talk; they stay close and make themselves available. They sense that you’re in distress and they come near. People have the best intentions and they want to be supportive, but when they don’t know what to say, they can say the weirdest sh*t. “Oh, they’ve lived a long life,” or “At least you get to marry somebody else,” or “A similar thing happened to my sister…” and then they go on to tell their story.

Just. Stop. Talking. 

And never begin sentences with, “At least…” These words convey the opposite of empathy. For example, “At least they’re in a better place” is to say it’s a good thing that the person is no longer with us. When someone is grieving a loss and missing the person, that might not be comforting. 

Similarly, when you begin sentences with the words, “I’m glad…”, for the grieving, there might be nothing glad about the situation, not in that moment of pain. So, before you say something, ask yourself if it’s to make you feel better or do you really have the other person in mind? If it’s for you, keep it to yourself.

Keep your judgement to yourself

Animals don’t judge; their presence is unconditional. You can have bad breath, the worst hair day, be in a bad mood, feel horrible about yourself… It doesn't matter. When you want to climb into a hole, your emotional support animal climbs in there with you. 

People have judgments about what should’ve happened to prevent this or that or how something should be handled now that we’re where we are. People have opinions and some people have more than one, which inadvertently places judgment on an already very sad and heavy situation. 

Before you share your opinion, ask yourself, “Am I just saying this to be heard or is this solely to benefit the other person?” If it’s the latter, ask for permission to share. “I have a thought about this. Would you want to hear it?” It’s an overwhelming time for families going through a medical emergency. Even if you’re trying to be helpful with your comments, now might not be the time. Be respectful of how much information can be absorbed. Even good and helpful things can be left unsaid. 

Take care of basic needs

Under stress, there’s a tendency to throw basic self-care out the window. I’m talking about drinking water, going to the bathroom, keeping good posture, regulating your body temperature, etc. As an emotional support human, remind people to do these basic things. “It’s time to take a break from visiting and go for a walk” or “Let’s eat something now”. Be respectful and gentle with these prompts and never demanding. If it can be helpful, let them know the person they’re visiting would want that for them too. 

Taking care of basic needs would include your needs too. Imagine an emotional support animal that is sleep deprived, hungry, dirty and holding in their pee. They can get agitated, be smelly or accidentally wet the couch. Take breaks, keep up with your personal hygiene and get some air. You can only be emotionally supportive if you stay healthy and well. 

Take good care. 

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. After this blog, she’ll do some light stretching on Peloton and go for a long walk. Just taking it a moment at a time. 

How to Talk to your Partner to Get at the Heart of the Matter

Photo by David Dvořáček on Unsplash

Change my partner!

Sometimes, couples come into our offices and they want to see behavioral changes: “He needs to not log back into work after the kids are in bed…” or “They need to go out with their friends less often!” or “I can’t stand her telling me what to do throughout the day!”

“They need to STOP!!!”

During these incidents, emotions run high and they get stuck on what the partner needs to do differently for the relationship to improve. As a couples therapist, I’m often attuned to what’s really going on underneath. What message does it send you when your partner does this or that? And even then, it’s much safer and less vulnerable to focus on behavioral changes. I slipped into a moment like that myself a few weeks back. 

Here’s what happened. 

Lost track of time

Husband plays online board games on Monday and Wednesday. It’s his time with his friends and I totally support him. One of these nights happened to fall on the second Seattle heat wave and we usually would move the portable AC unit from his office to our bedroom to help cool down the space for sleep. Husband is usually done by 10:30pm-ish, but on this night, he totally lost track of time. 

His gaming session was lively and I waited and waited and waited. Surely he’ll be done by 11pm. Right when I’d think about interrupting him, I’d tell myself he can’t be that much longer. At my wit’s end, I finally peeked in and said, “I need the AC.” 

Husband sprang up from his chair and said, “Oh shit!” apologizing profusely when he reached the bedroom. I was fuming and couldn’t muster up any helpful words. Husband then returned to finish the game, as he couldn’t possibly leave his team high and dry. It was at that time I remembered how it takes time for the AC to cool down an inside temperature of 96F.

Needless to say, I couldn’t fall asleep. 

What’s really going on

My husband came to bed eventually and I said the easier thing, “We need to set up a time limit for board game night so that you are done by 11pm.” Definitely casting blame, I was asking for a behavioral change to prevent future occurrences. Husband then got hung up on problem solving with me: “Are you saying I need to be done by 11pm or I need to have the AC in here by 11pm?”

By now, it’s late and pointless to get into a board game curfew. So instead of insisting on the behavioral change, I went to the heart of the matter: “I felt forgotten when you had the AC blasting in your office while the bedroom was steaming hot and I have to get up early for work tomorrow.” Husband apologized, said he got carried away with the game and asked that I interrupt him earlier next time. 

What’s different about this interaction is that I told him how I truly felt and he heard me, without dismissing or minimizing my experience. To tell him I felt forgotten was significantly harder than focusing on what he needs to change. It required me to be in touch with that hurt and to own my vulnerability. And, seeing his impact on me in this way, that tugged at his heart string in a deeper way.

On the outside perhaps the result looks the same, regardless of approach: We’d both work to prevent this from happening in the future. I can come in to interrupt him sooner and he can try to remember that if the AC is still blasting in his office at 10:30pm at night, the unit is likely needed elsewhere. If you look a little closer, however, there’s a difference: I could either try to micromanage him, which leads to emotional disconnection. Or, when his behavior has an impact on me, I could share what it brings up for me and how it affects me.

Because I did the latter in this case, he was receptive, and it brought us closer together. 

Future late nights

Last week, my husband came to bed late again, but this time it was work-related. I went into his office to say goodnight and asked him to give me a kiss when he comes to bed. The next morning, I asked if that happened and he said yes. He said I moved briefly but was otherwise asleep. It felt sweet to know that he remembered. That’s all that mattered. 

Go beyond behavioral changes

When you come into our office, we want to help you get to the heart of the matter. When you bring up what you want to see change in your partner, our couples therapists are here to help you go deeper. We don’t just want to help you change your behaviors; we want to help you feel closer and more connected to your partner.

Don’t settle for less.

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. As with many of these posts, her husband gave permission to share their moments of humanity. She wouldn’t be able to do this work without his support and his kisses.

5 Ways to Spread Love During a Pandemic

Photo by Brigitte Tohm on Unsplash

I love my friends and family. But I sometimes neglect to show it. It’s not enough to feel it. People need to receive help and support from others - now more than ever. Isolation and loneliness is common in modern life, but during a pandemic it’s rampant. Just checking in on someone and reminding them that you care can lift their spirit out of a depression spiral.

I have to admit I haven’t been in a very giving mood lately. I’ve been so caught up in my own worries and the state of the world, thinking of others’ needs has felt draining. But the season of love has reminded me of all the rituals we used to do to show love for each other, and it’s important to continue to extend love and care. Valentine's day isn’t just for couples! Single folks and coupled ones alike can find fun ways to share the love.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve felt that giving presents can be more fun than receiving. Receiving a gift can feel awkward - I sometimes feel like I’m being put on the spot. But coming up with personalized gifts for loved ones can make you feel warm all over.

Here are 5 easy ways to show you care - even when it doesn’t come naturally

1. Do something to help a neighbor: shovel their walkway, offer to go on a grocery run. If you’re not sure what will help, ask what they need to feel supported. 

2. Send a postcard to a loved one letting them know you’re thinking of them - from whatever city you’re at. You’re stuck wherever you are - but most everyone else is too! When no one is traveling anyway, tell your friends something about your home base they don’t know and share what you’re doing to pass the time at home.

3. Get crafty. Make something for your friends or partner even if it feels silly. If you’re not feeling very artsy or inspired, use a kit like a terrarium making kit, a photo album app, or those Paint by Numbers posters. If you spent time on it, it doesn’t have to come from within for you to put love into it and give you a sense of accomplishment. The act of art is also therapeutic - so do it even if for yourself. 

4. Bake some treats for your pals and drop off care packages around town. 

5. Surprise a friend with delivery - many local companies have converted to delivery rather than in-person in the pandemic. If you can afford to splurge on this, support them and keep them in business. 

I get it - with many of us feeling serious compassion fatigue, doing things for others can feel impossible. If that’s the case, ask yourself what you need and see if you can give it to yourself. Do any or all of these things for yourself. Bake yourself your favorite treat, buy yourself small things that bring you joy, write yourself a note about how you’re doing. These small gestures might just revive you enough to help you reach out to others as well, down the road.

I hope you had a good Valentine’s day this year, even if it didn’t look like it usually does. 

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Karen Lenz is the Office Whiz and Insurance Guru at People Bloom Counseling. She writes blog posts as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. She doesn’t celebrate Valentines Day officially, but she tries to at least make it a nice, conflict-free, easy day. This year she checked in on her loved ones, baked some treats, and played silly online word games with her family.

Now Say you’re Sorry!” Everything you Need to Know about Apologies in Two Blogs - Part II

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

If you’ve ever had a rift in your relationship, you know that apologizing is hard to do, and sometimes we could use a manual for doing it right. In Why Won’t you Apologize?, Dr. Harriet Lerner devotes a whole book to the art of apologizing. I’ve borrowed from her work to give you the keys to a stellar apology! In my last blog, I discussed the “why’s” of apologizing - why it matters, and who it is for. In part II, I identify the important elements for both the giver and the receiver of the apology. Being mindful of these things can help you make the repair process smoother with your humans, which translates to more time getting along and less time in tension and conflict. 

Born defensive

In her book, Lerner refers to the mischief of defensiveness.* We are wired for defensiveness  -- we want to protect the idealized image we have of ourselves. This is particularly difficult if you struggle with a shaky self-worth. When you’re in that space, you’re more likely to skew the words and hear “you are bad,” and you can easily drop into a shame-shit-storm. In those moments, you’re more vulnerable to fuse who you are with what you’ve done. 

Here comes our defenses! Our subconscious brain fights and says “I’m not bad, I can’t be bad, that doesn’t fit with the image I have of who I am.” And the words come out in some version of “I’m not wrong, you’re wrong.” But we cannot offer a genuine apology in this space… because in this space, we cannot listen carefully to the hurt party’s anger and pain. Instead, we listen defensively and listen for what we don’t agree with. We listen to correct the inaccuracies, the exaggerations, the “not true” part of what our person is telling us. This prevents us from hearing them out and understanding them; this protects us from the shame of acknowledging our own mistakes. 

Start with listening 

Good apologies first require good listening.* The first step in being a good listener involves being tuned into ourselves enough to recognize when we aren’t ready to listen. Check in with yourself first. Are you feeling anxious, angry, or distracted? If so, let the speaking party know you’d like to listen to them but you’ve got too much white noise happening within. Ask to come back to this conversation after you have some time to ground yourself. You can do this by taking some deep breaths, going for a walk, getting your to-do-list done, or practicing grounding techniques (a quick Google search will help you find a variety of these). Figure out what you need in order to show up wholehearted and present for your person. Then follow these guidelines:*

• Once you’re ready to engage, look for signs you’re getting defensive. Take a look at your body’s signals of an escalated nervous system (feeling tense, guarded)...and again, breathe. Lerner says we cannot listen with an overheated system. 

• Listen to discover only what you can understand and agree with. You shouldn’t be mentally making our case. 

• Ask questions about the parts that you don’t understand. Ask clarifying questions so that you’re really understanding what the hurt person is saying. Tone is everything with this; we cannot be curious and furious at the same time. 

• Offer your apology. 

• Let the hurt person know that you’ve heard, seen, and understood them. You can do that by reflecting back to them what they’ve said, acknowledging the feelings they shared, and summarizing with a validating statement such as “I get why this was hurtful,” or, “that makes a lot of sense to me.” 

• Thank the person for their honesty. Let them know you’ll continue thinking about this, invite further conversation, and make a plan for how you can do better. 

Acknowledge our differences 

Once you’re out of the listen-and-apologize piece, you can discuss where you disagree. Lerner emphasizes that this should not be conflicting with what you’ve already said, rather, acknowledging aspects of what your person shared that you might see differently.* We won’t agree with our person in every area all the time, and that’s okay. Intimacy requires coming to terms with our differences and learning to respect and appreciate our partner for the ways in which we’re different. We want to explore and understand these differences with curiosity and acceptance, rather than fighting to come out on top. 

Hurting, party of one?

When you’re the hurt party and it’s time to share your point of view, there are also some important rules to follow.*

• Keep it simple, and don’t over-talk. 

• Don’t blame or shame. This is VERY important, because blaming and shaming is likely to activate the other person’s defenses and you’ll be far less likely to get the acknowledgment you need. Do not blame, instead, assertively state your experience. 

• Use “I feel” statements, rather than “you” statements. E.g, “I felt hurt when you left me behind on the running trail.” Use your feeling words. 

• Don’t accuse or assume ill-intent. I (me, Abby) can speculate that most of us don’t do and say things with conscious intent to harm people we care about. 

• Don’t demand an apology. We want to stand on high ground as we present this information, recognizing we have zero control over the other person’s response. The healing comes from owning our story. 

Owning fault is hard

If apologizing were easy, Lerner wouldn’t have written her book and I wouldn’t have written this two-part blog. We come armored with weapons to protect our sense of self and who we believe ourselves to be in the world, but those weapons can wound. Owning our mess-ups is vulnerable, as we come with all of our imperfections and hope that the person we hurt will meet us with grace. It’s a fragile process, and it takes time and practice to master. But for the sake of our loved ones, ourselves, and our precious relationships...it’s worth tending to the cuts. 

If you’re struggling in your relationship and need help learning to offer healthy apologies, or receive them, our clinicians can help! 

*Borrowed from Why Won’t You Apologize? By Harriet Lerner, PhD (2018).

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Abby Erickson is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps people with anxiety and social anxiety learn ways to better manage their angst. She also helps people struggling with low self-esteem and body image issues be comfortable in their own skin. Since the pandemic, she has been providing counseling via telehealth. She’s enjoying not having to wear real pants. Down time in the age of Coronavirus has welcomed wine nights, hiking, and spending time with her roommate. 

“Now Say you’re Sorry!” Everything you Need to Know about Apologies in Two Blogs - Part I

Photo by Eric Ward on Unsplash

Welcome to humanity

We all mess up, say things we don’t mean, and hurt people we love. Emotions can make us impulsive and impair our better judgment. This is especially the case during a pandemic when we’re already stressed. We are human, and therefore imperfect beings. When the inevitable happens and we do care about our partner, we really need to work towards repairing the relationship. Repair usually requires an apology. But why is it that hearing “I’m sorry” feels so important to us? And, why is it so hard to offer up these same words to others? Harriet Lerner lays these answers out beautifully in her important work, Why Won’t You Apologize? (2018). Here is what I took away from it.

Why an apology is important: it “gifts” in more ways than one

Lerner refers to three “gifts” of a proper apology. The first is a gift to the hurt person. We’ve all been that person who is hurt, waiting for an apology. We feel unseen. We obsess, ruminate, grit our teeth, or distance when we feel wronged by another. And it’s hard to let that go until something gives. The gift of apology repairs that person’s emotional safety after a rupture in a relationship, and allows the hurt party to let go of the yucky feelings and move forward. 

Apologies are also a gift to the apologizer. It’s hard to apologize, of course...apologizing requires vulnerability. We don’t know how the other person will respond - will they accept our admission to the mistake and in turn, our imperfection? Apologizing can be scary because it can make us feel like we are giving up something, waving the proverbial white flag, perhaps providing ammo to be used against us at a later time! But in actuality, a genuine apology bolsters self-respect and self-worth because it’s a sign of maturity. We are owning the part of the interaction where we’ve messed up. If the hurt party is open enough to hear us, their respect for us might just go up a notch. 

The final gift is to the relationship. Apologies are necessary to work towards repairing relationship ruptures. All relationships have disagreements and conflicts from time to time; how frequently those conflicts arise depends on how attuned we are to our partner’s needs and sensitivities, as well as our own capacity to regulate our emotions. But it’s how the conflict is handled that counts. This is supported by literature around couples therapy, which universally stresses that ruptures are inevitable, and it’s the repair that’s most important for maintaining healthy and mutually satisfying intimate relationships. 

Genuine vs. half-assed apologies

Look, we’re not stupid. We can sense when an apology is not genuine, when the person saying the words are just trying to get it over with. Imagine the tone, “Well, SOR-RY!” or the words “I’m sorry you feel this way,” as if there was something wrong with you for feeling that way. Whether we’re the person giving the apology or receiving it, in the absence of a genuine apology that offers empathy and contrition, half-assed apologies can wreak havoc on connection. It often leaves the hurt party more hurt, upset and distant. And if it happens over and over in a relationship, it can tear apart an otherwise well meaning couple. 

Think of it as a compilation of small cuts that receive inadequate care. Without antiseptic, bandage, and attention...they scar, over and over again. One cut doesn’t do harm, but many little cuts signal a threat to our sense of emotional safety and get our defenses up. No wonder one argument leads to a totally different unresolved issue! We’re less likely to share our true feelings, make bids for closeness, and trust that our person will show up to help us heal, bandage in hand.

Learning to accept apologies

As important as the apology itself is, the hurt party needs to be willing to receive the apology,  as long as the trespass is not abusive. If we dismiss the apology by saying, “Eh, not a big deal..no need to apologize...it is what it is,” we send the message that their words or actions didn’t warrant a repair. When your partner genuinely wants to make amends, that response can come across as minimizing their efforts. As noted earlier, the apology is for the apologizer too. 

In a different scenario, if we keep shaming the person for their mistake, even when they’re genuinely apologizing, we reinforce that apologies are no good here -  aka, “Your apology doesn’t fix anything and I’m gonna stay mad at you anyways!” That’s you holding the grievance over your partner in a way they can never pay back. You’re essentially ignoring the cut or shoving it in their face without allowing them to tend to it. 

Instead, try this: thank the apologizer for the apology. “I appreciate you for owning your part. Your apology means a lot to me.” This is the most helpful response for mending the wound and the relationship. It honors the cut and opens the doors for proper healing...scar tissues don’t stand a chance here!

The 9 elements of an effective apology*

Now that we’ve covered why apologies are important, genuine versus half-assed ones and the essence of accepting apologies, let’s talk about what makes for an effective apology. 

So what exactly makes a “good” apology? Lerner highlights nine keys to an apology that works: 

1. No “buts”. “I’m sorry, but…” cancels out whatever was said prior to the “but.” It infers to the hurt party, “I’m sorry but I’m actually not that sorry.” 

2. Apologize for your actions/words, not for the hurt person’s response to those actions/words. Don’t say, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” because it implies that the hurt person is to blame for receiving the trespass as they did. Instead, we must take accountability by saying, “I’m sorry I did/said that to you.” 

3. A good apology offers restitution. In other words, try to make up for it. If you bailed on a commitment, reschedule and be sure to show up.

4. Be mindful of over-doing your apology. If you apologize profusely and don’t let up, this interrupts the repair exchange. As Lerner delicately notes, it’s annoying. What’s more, if you over-apologize and add things like, “I’m the worst, I’m such a piece of shit!” you’re victimizing yourself and requiring the hurt party to then tend to your self-deprecation. Please don’t do that, it’s unfair. 

5. There shouldn’t be an expectation that the other person apologizes as well. If you eff’d up, you eff’d up. Take ownership for your role in the conflict. If the other person also eff’d up, they should be able to come to that conclusion on their own. It doesn’t matter who started it. 

6. Mean it when you say it won’t happen again. True apologies require that you stop repeating the same harmful behavior. This can be difficult with habitual responses, but if you’re genuinely sorry, you need to make a conscious effort to stop doing/saying the harmful thing. 

7. Apologies shouldn’t be used to silence the other person. Depending on the delivery, apologies can be used to get the other person to shut up. This makes me think of the ol’, “Yes dear, I’m sorry dear, you’re right dear.” This is dismissive, disingenuous, and you’re being an ass-hat. 

8. Don’t apologize just to ease a guilty conscience. A true apology should not serve to make you feel better if it might harm the other person. It’s not an apology if it’s for the sake of your own healing. This might be the case when someone is setting boundaries and has requested that you give them space and stop contacting them.

9. Expect nothing in return. Finally, when we apologize, you shouldn’t be asking the hurt party to do anything. You shouldn’t expect forgiveness or reassurance that you are well-intended. You give the apology for the other person’s sake and that’s it. No strings attached.  

Easy-peasy, right? *Buzzer sound.* This stuff is hard AF, but such important work. In my next post, I’ll share more about our defenses during apologies and the step-by-step process on how to actually give and receive them.  

In the meantime, need help making repairs in your relationship? I’ll be here. 

*Borrowed from Why Won’t You Apologize? By Harriet Lerner, PhD (2018).

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Abby Erickson is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps people with anxiety and social anxiety learn ways to better manage their angst. She also helps people struggling with low self-esteem and body image issues be comfortable in their own skin. During her time at home, she's drawing from the challenges and wins in her own relationship to help couples and individuals feel more secure in their most important relationships.

We All Judge Others Sometimes...and Here's Why we Should Cut it Out

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. 
-Plato

Jumping to judgement 

Go with me on this, because I know we’ve all been here. You’re sitting at a restaurant table, patiently awaiting the arrival of your meal. Ya know...that in-between time when you’re sipping your “fun” drink and also trying to sift the lemon seed out of your water. You’re chatting with that friend, partner, coworker, or maybe your mother across from you. There is a lull in conversation, and you both look aside to see another woman settling into her seat across the restaurant. 

Your table guest looks back at you and says, “Woah, that gal clearly did not check her backside in the mirror before she left...she should not be wearing those pants;” she giggles passively with widened eyes and a sideways glance. Something about it doesn’t feel quite right as you receive her words. Half smiling, you respond, “Yeah, I know, right?” A tinge of relief sweeps over as you notice your server making his way to your table with entrees in hand. 

Not having it 

F*ck. That. Shit. Why is it that we consider these judgmental side comments about others’ appearance or demeanor “normal?” Do women need to gauge their wardrobe choices based on other women’s approval? This all too common behavior might be why some women have trouble trusting other women. It also might be the reason some women are labeled as fake, catty or passive aggressive. I’ve caught myself being judgmental, and it bothers me when I replay it in my head.  

Let me tell you why. 

I work with many young women and teenagers and this is the very thing they struggle with. Most all of them come in with at least some concerns related to self-esteem, body-image, or are otherwise critical about their appearance. Given the relentless social pressure from unrealistic media influences, the struggle is real. So much so that an overlying theme, and hallmark of issues like social anxiety, is a fear of negative judgment by others.

The behaviors we were modeled

As I work with my clients to understand their experiences, I notice they all have another thing in common -- judgmental behavior towards others has been modeled by someone they respect(ed)... a friend, partner, coworker or mother sitting across the table. These experiences shape a certain reality for them. My clients learn to believe that their imperfections stand out, to EVERYONE. Someone will undoubtedly notice their acne; their last-season scuffed boots will raise an eyebrow; the bit of skin hanging over their waistband will. be. criticized. 

If we’ve been socialized to notice others, why wouldn’t we assume others notice everything about us?

How we came to struggle 

As if we don’t have enough to worry about, it sometimes feels like we are walking around in a magnifying glass bubble, our every flaw exposed. This amplifies our self consciousness and sense of insecurity. And these insecurities can drive a chain of replicated behavior -  what we despise about ourselves we tend to project onto others. We judge, we snicker, we stereotype, we speculate. We end up making assumptions about people and situations that we really know nothing about. 

Some of this is to be expected - we so desperately want to put labels on our ambiguous world to make sense of it. However, when we look at others, we fail to consider that what we see on the outside may be covering a larger story... a story filled with pain-soaked words, loneliness, and trauma.

The whole story

Maybe the person who needs the seatbelt extension on the plane has an autoimmune disease, or maybe she suffered unimaginable abuse as a child… and she drowns out that suffering the only way she knows how. Maybe that girl’s scuffed boots were the only Christmas gift she received last year, which her single mother purchased from a second-hand store after weeks of saving up. Maybe the teenage girl you saw walking down the street in baggy sweatpants is on her way to the community clinic to get an abortion following a horrific sexual assault. Maybe someone with grown-out roots can’t afford another trip to the salon right now, because her son has a disability and she needs to prioritize therapy costs. 

But maybe not. Perhaps none of these stories are reality for these people… but that’s not the point. The point is that we Just. Don’t. Know. When we people-watch, we draw conclusions based on our own experiences, not the experience of the other. 

How we can be better 

What if we consciously lifted each other up? Next time Debbie from accounting walks by in one of her sequined tops fit to win an ugly sweater contest, let. it. go. She’s got her style; you’ve got yours. Similarly, Maddy can choose what she wants to eat for lunch without a running commentary. Let it be a thing of the past when people avoid walking by a gaggle of girlfriends for fear of hearing their whispers, followed by giggles.  

If you HAVE to make a comment about someone, then let it be kind. Make note of someone’s pretty nail color, cute top, or confident energy. What’s more, ask them how they’re doing, applaud them for speaking up, see them as one of you. Build. Them. Up. Women face enough pressure trying to navigate life “the right way.” We don’t need the added insecurity of feeling emotionally threatened within our own communities.

Go the extra mile: When you notice sh*t-talking, call it out, with kindness. And if you catch yourself doing it, own it and apologize. Develop accountability for how you are working to stop this behavior by giving permission to call each other out. This can help raise awareness and help you reflect on the impact of what you say and do. Recognize that how you speak about other women behind their backs matters: the pattern of negative behavior becomes more ingrained in you and it’s another jab against them when they’re already fighting a hard battle. Instead of judgement and criticism, let’s approach these observations with curiosity and compassion, and help others do the same.

Putting on kindness

In the moment, it might feel good to turn to a girlfriend with a knowing look and a gasp that says “Can you believe that sweater?!” but immediately after, something feels off inside. That off feeling can be a kind of shame creeping in -  your higher consciousness knowing you’ve done something mean spirited. Putting on kindness has a way of lifting your spirit. You can leave the restaurant knowing you were a better version of yourself.

So choose kindness. If you need help changing these conversations, I’m here. If you need help dealing with the effects of these comments, I can be that person for you too. 

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Abby Erickson is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps people with anxiety and social anxiety learn ways to better manage their angst. She also helps people struggling with low self-esteem and body image issues be comfortable in their own skin. She longs to help create a world where women and men learn to love their bodies.

Are You Voting for Your Marriage?

Photo by Scott Webb on Unsplash

Happy anniversary to us!

My husband and I recently celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary! On that day, I performed the social media ritual of posting a throwback photo of our wedding. Captured in that sepia-toned photo were two joyful people, kids really, preparing for a journey they knew little about.

We may have looked like a couple of kids... but we were old enough to vote. My husband touched on something important when looking back on that day: you do need to vote. Every day you need to vote/choose to be a couple. The wedding day is all cake and laughter, but the choice to be with one person for the rest of your life, for better or worse, is hard work. 

Getting through the rough patches

Everyone gets thrown some curve balls in life. And when you are married, you are not only dealing with your own curve balls, but you are also dealing with your partner’s.

When I think back through the past 18 years, I reflect on some pretty hard times. The stress of having young kids, worrying about finances and health scares, and balancing that with a busy career can leave little time or energy for anything else. Even date night can start feeling like a chore. Honestly, neither of us were very fun to live with in those days.

Thankfully, things have gotten easier over the years. However, we often reflect on how thankful we are for making it through those times and not giving up on us. It’s definitely tempting to run away in those dark moments. Instead of giving up, we decided to go to couples counseling. 

We voted to be a couple.

Taking the leap

Going to counseling wasn’t an easy step to take. So many fear-based thoughts went through my mind that almost prevented us from asking for help… Going to couple’s therapy meant our marriage was a failure… Maybe we can work things out on our own... or What if it doesn’t work? Ultimately, I realized that sometimes even the strongest people can use some outside help. 

Considering all the objections my mind came up with, I’m thankful that we chose to seek help.

What couples counseling taught us

Couples counseling helped us change the way we communicate with each other. We learned to recognize our pattern of fighting that got us stuck in a negativity spiral. We were encouraged to look beyond the content of what we were saying and doing, and focus more on the process of how we were interacting with each other.

I never would have thought that a stranger could be the answer to our problems… that an outsider could hear the details of our specific situation, and use our story to guide us closer to each other.

But here we were.

We got to the heart of what we were feeling and what we needed from each other. When we started communicating from our needs and genuine intentions, it was easier to hear what the other person was saying. We started feeling heard and understood. We were able to express our hurt and pain, and look into each other’s eyes and see that our pain hurt our partner, too.

Those moments were healing and it made it easier to vote for each other. 

Is this you?

As a marriage counselor on the other side of the room, I see many couples who clearly love (or loved) each other, but they have waited so long to come to therapy. Could it be that the inevitable hurts and resentments that naturally come with spending a life with someone have hardened you and built up a wall between you and your partner? 

This wall can get in the way of your ability to vote yes for your marriage.

We can do something about that. 

Tearing down the wall

In a marriage, while you and your partner are so interconnected through kids, shared memories, and assets, you can also build walls between yourselves when it comes to your own needs. Although the wall might have protected you in many ways from your hurts, it has also caused isolation and loneliness, which hurts even more.

Sometimes the task of breaking through that pain feels insurmountable, and you might give up hope. Separating from each other can be the right thing for you, despite the shared experiences and love you had for each other. But for others of you, there is light on the other side of this marital hardship. Having the strength to walk through the hardship is what is needed to see that light, and feel the connection and happiness you once felt. 

I’m voting for you

Going to marriage counseling is like voting yes for your marriage. It can give you the extra support you need to walk through the darkness and come through on the other side. It takes hard work, but just like marriage itself, it can be well worth the work. 

Let me know when you’re ready to come in and vote. I’ll be here. 

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Kristin O’Hara is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps couples find love and connection in their relationship. She also helps people struggling with midlife transitions. She spent her anniversary relaxing with her husband, reflecting back on their many years of joys, sorrows and wonderful shared memories.