Happy Zoom-giving! How a Pandemic is Forcing us to Shake Things Up

Photo by Element5 Digital on Unsplash

One thing is for sure - this Thanksgiving will look very different than past Thanksgivings. We can’t gather like we normally would. It is partly lonely and sad, but the silver lining is that we’re not forced to spend hours around the table with people we fundamentally disagree with. I mean, we all know that if this was a normal year, the hot topic this holiday season would be how in the heck we’re gonna sit around a table and be civil with relatives after that election. 

Evaluating what matters

This year, we have a chance to reevaluate what really matters in the holiday season. What do we really want out of this holiday? Why do we celebrate it? Inarguably the origins of Thanksgiving was not a festive time for Native Americans. Considering this, what can we do instead during the holidays that feels right, and that we can be whole with?

Since many of us are not gathering anyway, we have time to think about whether we really wanted to gather in the first place, and if so, why and how we want to do it. We have an opportunity to reflect on what our generation (whatever generation you’re in - just go with it) wants out of life. We don’t have to follow certain traditions just because it’s the way we’ve always done them. So this year, let’s come up with a new way to celebrate!

Let’s rebrand Thanksgiving!

What are we really celebrating?

It’s time to question old conventions, create new traditions and break out of old norms. Let’s say we all agree that the holiday itself is a tricky one to condone, historically. Instead of continuing to teach our children the narrative that pilgrims and natives were one big happy family, we can teach them the history of colonialism. And if we want to gather as a family for late November festivities, we can still do that! Almost everyone I know is conflicted about Thanksgiving’s origin story. So let’s discard the illusion of perfect harmony between the colonists and tribes, and create something new to celebrate, not tied to our sordid history. 

Having grown up Jewish and now picking and choosing my favorite parts of the religion to observe, I’m all about picking the best things out of traditions and discarding the old archaic customs that need updating. When we do that with Thanksgiving, the focus of this day for me becomes: celebrate family, be thankful for everything ya got, cuz none of it is guaranteed, and eat well.

Coming up with a new tradition

Does this holiday have to revolve around a history with inherently problematic roots? Hint: no, the answer is no, it does not. Instead, is there a different label you’d want to put on it? If colonialism doesn’t sit well with you, but you still love family, food and thankfulness, then we should be able to have those things without an outdated holiday as the backdrop. This is a fun one to brainstorm with your kids. You can come up with new names for the holiday as a family. This year, the obvious choice and my vote is Zoom-giving!

Ada Pang, one of our clinicians often says, “A publicly recognized holiday in America is just a day on the calendar.” With Thanksgiving, it’s even a different date every year! So, who’s to say it has to be celebrated on Nov 26th this year? If you really miss certain family and friends, do another version of Zoom-giving when it is safe to gather again. Whole turkey might not be available in August, but who’s to say turkey has to be a part of this holiday anyway? Poor bird.

How do you want to do family time?

This year, give yourself permission to not do too much. If you want to forego everything and order takeout and watch Netflix - by all means! But you shouldn’t need a pandemic to be true to yourself. If you were to ponder plans for future holidays - what do you hope to gain from family time? Who do you want to invite? It’s ok to relieve yourself of the pressure to be a super host and accommodate people who test your boundaries.

If from now on, you want to only celebrate No-drama-november with your nuclear family, then can you let yourself do that going forward? Or, if you want to celebrate with your chosen family rather than your family of origin, then Friendsgiving it is - guilt free. Even if you can’t throw out all the traditions in just one year, see if you can renegotiate what you’d like to keep.

As for me, I’m making all the traditional dishes and delivering to relatives - we’ll all eat separately. It means I get to drop by to say hello, do my good deed, but not spend so much time together that we overstay our welcome or get burned out. And then I get to eat in peace. To be honest - I’m a little bit in love with this idea, and am considering doing this every year instead of the traditional big family dinner. It took a pandemic to realize that all those big family dinners did was make me feel claustrophobic. 

If you create new ways to celebrate, what’s the worst that would happen? Who’s to tell you otherwise? Is it expectations? Societal pressure? The patriarchy? Emotional labor camps? The answers are in the questions. You can let go of all of that noise. Or, at least some of that noise.

How do you show gratitude?

In the same way that we say we don’t need some random saint to tell us to show our love for each on Valentine's day, we also don’t need no stinkin’ holiday to tell us to be thankful! Then again, there’s nothing wrong with the reminder to be thankful on a certain day of the year. We can embrace this positive message without the Thanksgiving brand.

What if we made a special effort to show or express gratitude for the new Thanksgiving 2.0? You could keep a gratitude journal, or put notes in your thankfulness jar every day. Write your friends a thank you note just for being a friend. Tell your spouse you love them and what you’re thankful for about them. The list is endless.

Eating well is an ethos of its own

This is the fun one. If you’re a fan of the traditional Thanksgiving feast, you can still gather just as you always did around the table, with turkey, stuffing, and mashed yams with marshmallow goop on top. You don’t have to give anything up if you don’t want to. The new rebranded holiday you come up with can still center on good old fashioned T-G food. But if you do stick to this, make sure it’s what you really want. I imagine there are mothers out there who can’t stand the mush that is Thanksgiving food, but slave away on it anyway as a labor of love. That’s ok, but it’s also ok to mix in new foods you actually love as part of your new customs. Or go nuts - you can decide that from now on, you will celebrate with spaghetti bolognese, garlic bread and some vino. Because...why not? You can create your own path. You do you in other ways. Now do you with the holidays too, and do it wholeheartedly. 

The mantra this year is - question everything and do the things that bring you joy. If nothing else, this pandemic has helped us take a good look at all the motions we go through, and maybe it’s time to consider whether we really need some of those motions. 

Happy Tofurkey day, Friendsgiving, November family fun day, or whatever you want to celebrate to get through the madness that has been 2020! If you need some Zoom-giving debrief, our clinicians are here for you!

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Karen Lenz is the Office Whiz and Insurance Guru at People Bloom Counseling. She writes blog posts as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. She’s going to miss seeing everyone in person this holiday season, but she’s really looking forward to the traditional Thanksgiving food, even all the different forms of colorful mush.

Now Say you’re Sorry!” Everything you Need to Know about Apologies in Two Blogs - Part II

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

If you’ve ever had a rift in your relationship, you know that apologizing is hard to do, and sometimes we could use a manual for doing it right. In Why Won’t you Apologize?, Dr. Harriet Lerner devotes a whole book to the art of apologizing. I’ve borrowed from her work to give you the keys to a stellar apology! In my last blog, I discussed the “why’s” of apologizing - why it matters, and who it is for. In part II, I identify the important elements for both the giver and the receiver of the apology. Being mindful of these things can help you make the repair process smoother with your humans, which translates to more time getting along and less time in tension and conflict. 

Born defensive

In her book, Lerner refers to the mischief of defensiveness.* We are wired for defensiveness  -- we want to protect the idealized image we have of ourselves. This is particularly difficult if you struggle with a shaky self-worth. When you’re in that space, you’re more likely to skew the words and hear “you are bad,” and you can easily drop into a shame-shit-storm. In those moments, you’re more vulnerable to fuse who you are with what you’ve done. 

Here comes our defenses! Our subconscious brain fights and says “I’m not bad, I can’t be bad, that doesn’t fit with the image I have of who I am.” And the words come out in some version of “I’m not wrong, you’re wrong.” But we cannot offer a genuine apology in this space… because in this space, we cannot listen carefully to the hurt party’s anger and pain. Instead, we listen defensively and listen for what we don’t agree with. We listen to correct the inaccuracies, the exaggerations, the “not true” part of what our person is telling us. This prevents us from hearing them out and understanding them; this protects us from the shame of acknowledging our own mistakes. 

Start with listening 

Good apologies first require good listening.* The first step in being a good listener involves being tuned into ourselves enough to recognize when we aren’t ready to listen. Check in with yourself first. Are you feeling anxious, angry, or distracted? If so, let the speaking party know you’d like to listen to them but you’ve got too much white noise happening within. Ask to come back to this conversation after you have some time to ground yourself. You can do this by taking some deep breaths, going for a walk, getting your to-do-list done, or practicing grounding techniques (a quick Google search will help you find a variety of these). Figure out what you need in order to show up wholehearted and present for your person. Then follow these guidelines:*

• Once you’re ready to engage, look for signs you’re getting defensive. Take a look at your body’s signals of an escalated nervous system (feeling tense, guarded)...and again, breathe. Lerner says we cannot listen with an overheated system. 

• Listen to discover only what you can understand and agree with. You shouldn’t be mentally making our case. 

• Ask questions about the parts that you don’t understand. Ask clarifying questions so that you’re really understanding what the hurt person is saying. Tone is everything with this; we cannot be curious and furious at the same time. 

• Offer your apology. 

• Let the hurt person know that you’ve heard, seen, and understood them. You can do that by reflecting back to them what they’ve said, acknowledging the feelings they shared, and summarizing with a validating statement such as “I get why this was hurtful,” or, “that makes a lot of sense to me.” 

• Thank the person for their honesty. Let them know you’ll continue thinking about this, invite further conversation, and make a plan for how you can do better. 

Acknowledge our differences 

Once you’re out of the listen-and-apologize piece, you can discuss where you disagree. Lerner emphasizes that this should not be conflicting with what you’ve already said, rather, acknowledging aspects of what your person shared that you might see differently.* We won’t agree with our person in every area all the time, and that’s okay. Intimacy requires coming to terms with our differences and learning to respect and appreciate our partner for the ways in which we’re different. We want to explore and understand these differences with curiosity and acceptance, rather than fighting to come out on top. 

Hurting, party of one?

When you’re the hurt party and it’s time to share your point of view, there are also some important rules to follow.*

• Keep it simple, and don’t over-talk. 

• Don’t blame or shame. This is VERY important, because blaming and shaming is likely to activate the other person’s defenses and you’ll be far less likely to get the acknowledgment you need. Do not blame, instead, assertively state your experience. 

• Use “I feel” statements, rather than “you” statements. E.g, “I felt hurt when you left me behind on the running trail.” Use your feeling words. 

• Don’t accuse or assume ill-intent. I (me, Abby) can speculate that most of us don’t do and say things with conscious intent to harm people we care about. 

• Don’t demand an apology. We want to stand on high ground as we present this information, recognizing we have zero control over the other person’s response. The healing comes from owning our story. 

Owning fault is hard

If apologizing were easy, Lerner wouldn’t have written her book and I wouldn’t have written this two-part blog. We come armored with weapons to protect our sense of self and who we believe ourselves to be in the world, but those weapons can wound. Owning our mess-ups is vulnerable, as we come with all of our imperfections and hope that the person we hurt will meet us with grace. It’s a fragile process, and it takes time and practice to master. But for the sake of our loved ones, ourselves, and our precious relationships...it’s worth tending to the cuts. 

If you’re struggling in your relationship and need help learning to offer healthy apologies, or receive them, our clinicians can help! 

*Borrowed from Why Won’t You Apologize? By Harriet Lerner, PhD (2018).

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Abby Erickson is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps people with anxiety and social anxiety learn ways to better manage their angst. She also helps people struggling with low self-esteem and body image issues be comfortable in their own skin. Since the pandemic, she has been providing counseling via telehealth. She’s enjoying not having to wear real pants. Down time in the age of Coronavirus has welcomed wine nights, hiking, and spending time with her roommate. 

What to Do when your Self-Care Activities Don’t Work

Photo by Alex Geerts on Unsplash

Most of us are not doing well

Back in July, I wrote about us entering the chronic stage of this global pandemic. Now a couple more months have passed and things are not much better. The smoke eclipsed the short summer we had left and last night’s first presidential debate was utter chaos. In light of all this, I should mention there are some people who are doing surprisingly well while social distancing, meeting online, and taking things in stride. But, that’s not most of us.

At best, many people are dipping in and out of feeling okay. At worst, they never adjusted and have been struggling since March. In the middle are people who rode the wave of crisis for a while and adapted, except the crisis never let up and they’re on the trajectory to burnout if not already there. 

2020 has been one hell of a year and we still have one more quarter to go. The quarter where Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) makes a comeback with the shorter days; the quarter where the next president will be determined; the quarter where some families will grieve their first holiday without their loved ones.

Zoom turkey is just not the same. 

You’re normal

If you’re struggling, you’re human. Some of the most ambitious, competent, adaptable and resilient people I know are struggling. It doesn’t mean you can’t hack it, because you likely have been through other trying times and made it to the other side. This time is different. It is the ripple effects of COVID, the continued disregard for Black and Brown lives, the devastating wildfires and the looming presidential election. There are countless stressful events in between that I initially listed but have decided to leave out because it gave me heart palpitations to write and re-read. If you wonder why you don’t have your shit together, it might be because you’re still processing the ramifications of the last event. Or the last few events. 

Stop trying so hard 

So, before you go off to list the self-care activities you either ought to be doing or have tried with limited results, let’s get something straight: Stop pressuring yourself to feel better. Meal prepping, going out for walks and journaling are great, but not with the undertone: This has got to work! This has helped in the past! Why can’t I get this to work?! It’s like pressuring yourself to fall asleep when you’re wide awake; good luck with that. 

Now I’m not asking you to give up, but I am urging you to approach this series of crises differently. This is not a nail you approach with a hammer or a screw you approach with a Phillips head. Rather, put down your tool and stop trying to fix things. Play Animal Crossing if you think it’s going to help you, but not because it has to. Go for a run cuz it’s a nice day out, not because you felt the runner’s high last time and you’re looking for that same effect this time. Do the activity that’s good for you, period. How you feel afterwards and whether it’ll actually help is secondary. If it does; great! If it doesn’t; it is still beneficial.

A study done on lab rats showed that even when they were forced to exercise, their mental health improved from the exercise as much as if they had chosen to hop on their wheel. How does this apply to you? Well, even if you really don't feel like it and wonder if it's even doing any good, it's better to get up and move than not. And if you can't bring yourself to do it today, there's always tomorrow. 

That brings me to my next point. 

Change your expectations 

If you have high expectations that yoga will leave you feeling all zen, and you feel just as anxious when you started if not more, then maybe you’ve tuned into all that your body was holding. These are not normal times and your usual or new coping strategies are not supposed to have the same effect. You also don’t have to do the right thing all the time. That’s exhausting. If you want some chocolate, have some chocolate. Don’t feel like jumping on that family Zoom call? Skip it. You don’t have it in you to show up for work today? Take a mental health day. You don’t have to be firing on all cylinders right now. Like, what cylinders? 

Do things that actually give you spoons

Lastly, not all coping mechanisms are created equal. If you both like to mow the lawn and you like the outcome of a mowed lawn, then all the power to you. For many other coping skills, we may like the feeling of having done it after the fact but not in the moment. So, if marinating chicken for tomorrow’s dinner feels too effortful at the moment and it will actually take away your spoons, then Trader Joe’s pre-made Koma Fish Curry sounds pretty good and just needs a trip in the microwave. The dishes are too much today? Let’s try again tomorrow. Instead, watch three episodes of Queer Eye over a frozen burrito. It might just replenish your spoons. Might. 

We’re here for you 

If you need help with your self-care activities, our trained therapists are here for you. We understand because there are times when we’re going through the same things and have needed to tap into our toolbox to stay sane. We want to help you develop yours.

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Ada Pang is the owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. She recently dyed her hair at home to switch things up. The last time she dyed her own hair was in high school. While it didn’t make everything better and it wasn’t supposed to, it was something she is reminded of everyday. It did help. A bit.

Little Things You Can Do In The Morning to Make Your Whole Day Better

Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay

What morning routine?

I know we don’t always have time to set up our day just right with a relaxing morning routine. But if you’ve ever done a wellness routine like meditation or yoga to start your day, you have to admit that the rest of the day goes more smoothly than days that you don’t, amiright?

Rushing around in the morning, jumping straight into whatever you have to do are all recipes for disaster. Whether it’s a work meeting, dropping kids off, or taking your Spanish exams  -  if you start right and mentally prepare for whatever the day brings, the tasks become easier and everything flows. 

But you don’t always have the leisure to drop in on a morning yoga class, meditate and make a nutritious breakfast. Less time-consuming, small things also help prepare you for your day, and these are the ones that have helped me.

Choose how you spend your time

With many of us working from home, we have a little more time in the morning than we would if we had to commute to an office. Let’s make the most of this time to do what’s right for your body and mind. And then there’s the social media problem. Consider how much time you spend waste scrolling endlessly, filling your mind with fluff and custom-tailored advertising just to you. The cost-benefit analysis isn’t great when you think of the hours spent and very little gained. Consider instead devoting just a smidgen of that time to something that will help you later. 

Consciously choosing how we spend our time gives us back a bit of the control we feel like we’ve lost as the world continues to throw new apocalyptic curve balls at us.  

Let’s say you only have 10 spare minutes in the morning. Here are some ideas for how to spend it wisely.

Move your body

Do stretches, do yoga, walk the dog, or roll around on the floor with your toddler - whatever moves that sack of bones and makes you happy. If you’re feeling ambitious, teach yourself a Youtube dance, or do a pilates video. 

It can be as quick as 10 minutes, but if you do more, give yourself a pat on the back. The nice thing about movement is that there is no movement too big or too small to count - meet yourself wherever you’re at and do what your body allows, even if you’re a little creaky. What matters is that you get your blood flowing and joints loosened up for the day ahead. This is especially crucial when you’ll be sitting in front of a screen for much of the day. 

Don’t forget to stretch your...vocal chords?

I discovered a trick by complete accident recently: it turns out singing to/at my dogs distracts them from whatever bad behavior they’re up to. Let me explain. The two nudniks were rolling around like maniacs nipping each other’s necks, which is all fun and games until someone gets hurt. When one dog inevitably went too far and the other yelped, instead of yelling at them as usual, I belted out “stop! in the name of love”...you know the rest. I may have added a little booty shake. They stopped, turned and looked at me. They were at my mercy, waiting for the rest of the lyrics. 

Ever since then, I sing out my commands - mind you this has to be a forceful singing with operatic gusto. When I do, my dogs are mesmerized and mellow out. Even stranger, I noticed it mellows me out as well. I feel centered and calm after letting it all out. This is reflected in my voice after I do it.  My voice is steadier and this makes me feel more equipped to face meetings, trainings, and talk to family. 

Mental health experts have corroborated this effect: humming and vocalizing can contribute to healing trauma, notably discussed by Resmaa Menakem in My Grandmother’s Hands, his work about healing racialized trauma. I can imagine how singing would be beneficial for trauma, considering how much it helped with my stress and anxiety. 

I don’t know about you, but for me, stress fries my vocal chords. My voice gets hoarse, weak, and I have a hard time projecting. Asserting my loudest, most confident singing voice in the morning wakes up my vocal chords and empowers me to be assertive in daily life. Singing has a physiological grounding effect on the body. So go for it - sing your heart out in the shower tomorrow morning and see how you feel!

Switch out the coffee for a wellness drink

Before you start accusing me of taking your coffee away - hear me out! If you’re a coffee junkie, I only mean for this to be an occasional replacement to mix things up, or even just an add-on item if you insist on your daily coffee fix. I wouldn’t dream of robbing you of the life-giving energy juice. However! Sometimes your body craves something more replenishing. Try starting your morning with a wellness toddy a couple times a week. It takes no longer than making coffee, and it’s a good way to leave behind a tired routine. Use your favorite herbs and spices in whatever combination you like. My favorite toddy combines turmeric, lemon or lime juice, hot water, and honey. Add some chili powder if you’re the spicy type. Steep some basil or mint if you like it herby. On hot summer mornings, make a superfood smoothie instead.

My turmeric tonic is full of antioxidants and Vitamin C, has anti-inflammatory benefits, and can energize you for the day ahead. Coffee is great for that mad jolt, but a wellness toddy has longer-lasting effects to make you feel warm and centered. 

Make yourself presentable, even if just for yourself

It’s all too easy to stay in the same clothes that you slept in all day, especially for those of us working from home and when we feel like there’s no one around to stop us (or no one to impress!). But whether you have to leave the house or not, making yourself presentable in the morning is key to feeling good the rest of the day.

Even if you don’t have anything planned, change out of the PJs, and put on something comfortable but presentable that makes you feel confident. Don’t forget your face. Moisturize, put on sunscreen, do that thing that brings out your favorite feature. It doesn’t take long, and it can make a difference.

You’ll be more ready to face whatever comes your way the rest of the day. You don’t want to get caught off guard answering the door in your bathrobe, or running out for that appointment you forgot about in your pink comfy pants because you didn’t take the time to get ready earlier.

Set intentions for the day

Are you stressed about something coming up? Instead of just running into it head on and being stunned by the results, try facing it deliberately and with intention. Let’s say you have an interview or presentation you’re stressed about -  imagine how you want it to go. Visualize being in a calm state of mind when doing the task at hand.

Writing down your intentions is key. The act of writing helps make things a reality. Whether it’s because it reinforces your desires subconsciously, or because you refer back to the physical writing throughout the day, it helps organize your thoughts.

Intentions can be reminders that regulate your emotional state and help you achieve goals. This is one of my recent intention lists from a weekday morning in the last week:

• Approach things with curiosity

• Stay grounded in my body

• Find joy in the dogs, even when you worry about them

• Discipline the dog from a place of love, not anger

Can you tell the dogs have been a focal point in my life lately? They were a great outlet for me to practice my intention setting. But you can do this with anything in your life, whether it’s a source of joy, anxiety, worry, anticipation, or anything that makes you feel emotionally unregulated. These are reminders for how to approach your day to keep the freak-outs at bay. That just rhymed, didn’t it?

If you need additional support, we’re here

As always, if you need more than what this blog has to offer, our clinicians are here to help. Sometimes having a neutral person brainstorm ideas with you is better than going about it alone. If you need help filing your taxes, cleaning your house or training your dog, that’s what accountants, cleaning service and dog trainers are for. We can’t help you in those other areas of your life, but for your mental health needs, we’re here for you. 

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Karen Lenz is the Office Whiz and Insurance Guru at People Bloom Counseling. She writes blog posts as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. In her free time you’ll find her cooking, playing with the dogs, and fixing up an old camper that she hopes to take out to the lake this summer.

“Now Say you’re Sorry!” Everything you Need to Know about Apologies in Two Blogs - Part I

Photo by Eric Ward on Unsplash

Welcome to humanity

We all mess up, say things we don’t mean, and hurt people we love. Emotions can make us impulsive and impair our better judgment. This is especially the case during a pandemic when we’re already stressed. We are human, and therefore imperfect beings. When the inevitable happens and we do care about our partner, we really need to work towards repairing the relationship. Repair usually requires an apology. But why is it that hearing “I’m sorry” feels so important to us? And, why is it so hard to offer up these same words to others? Harriet Lerner lays these answers out beautifully in her important work, Why Won’t You Apologize? (2018). Here is what I took away from it.

Why an apology is important: it “gifts” in more ways than one

Lerner refers to three “gifts” of a proper apology. The first is a gift to the hurt person. We’ve all been that person who is hurt, waiting for an apology. We feel unseen. We obsess, ruminate, grit our teeth, or distance when we feel wronged by another. And it’s hard to let that go until something gives. The gift of apology repairs that person’s emotional safety after a rupture in a relationship, and allows the hurt party to let go of the yucky feelings and move forward. 

Apologies are also a gift to the apologizer. It’s hard to apologize, of course...apologizing requires vulnerability. We don’t know how the other person will respond - will they accept our admission to the mistake and in turn, our imperfection? Apologizing can be scary because it can make us feel like we are giving up something, waving the proverbial white flag, perhaps providing ammo to be used against us at a later time! But in actuality, a genuine apology bolsters self-respect and self-worth because it’s a sign of maturity. We are owning the part of the interaction where we’ve messed up. If the hurt party is open enough to hear us, their respect for us might just go up a notch. 

The final gift is to the relationship. Apologies are necessary to work towards repairing relationship ruptures. All relationships have disagreements and conflicts from time to time; how frequently those conflicts arise depends on how attuned we are to our partner’s needs and sensitivities, as well as our own capacity to regulate our emotions. But it’s how the conflict is handled that counts. This is supported by literature around couples therapy, which universally stresses that ruptures are inevitable, and it’s the repair that’s most important for maintaining healthy and mutually satisfying intimate relationships. 

Genuine vs. half-assed apologies

Look, we’re not stupid. We can sense when an apology is not genuine, when the person saying the words are just trying to get it over with. Imagine the tone, “Well, SOR-RY!” or the words “I’m sorry you feel this way,” as if there was something wrong with you for feeling that way. Whether we’re the person giving the apology or receiving it, in the absence of a genuine apology that offers empathy and contrition, half-assed apologies can wreak havoc on connection. It often leaves the hurt party more hurt, upset and distant. And if it happens over and over in a relationship, it can tear apart an otherwise well meaning couple. 

Think of it as a compilation of small cuts that receive inadequate care. Without antiseptic, bandage, and attention...they scar, over and over again. One cut doesn’t do harm, but many little cuts signal a threat to our sense of emotional safety and get our defenses up. No wonder one argument leads to a totally different unresolved issue! We’re less likely to share our true feelings, make bids for closeness, and trust that our person will show up to help us heal, bandage in hand.

Learning to accept apologies

As important as the apology itself is, the hurt party needs to be willing to receive the apology,  as long as the trespass is not abusive. If we dismiss the apology by saying, “Eh, not a big deal..no need to apologize...it is what it is,” we send the message that their words or actions didn’t warrant a repair. When your partner genuinely wants to make amends, that response can come across as minimizing their efforts. As noted earlier, the apology is for the apologizer too. 

In a different scenario, if we keep shaming the person for their mistake, even when they’re genuinely apologizing, we reinforce that apologies are no good here -  aka, “Your apology doesn’t fix anything and I’m gonna stay mad at you anyways!” That’s you holding the grievance over your partner in a way they can never pay back. You’re essentially ignoring the cut or shoving it in their face without allowing them to tend to it. 

Instead, try this: thank the apologizer for the apology. “I appreciate you for owning your part. Your apology means a lot to me.” This is the most helpful response for mending the wound and the relationship. It honors the cut and opens the doors for proper healing...scar tissues don’t stand a chance here!

The 9 elements of an effective apology*

Now that we’ve covered why apologies are important, genuine versus half-assed ones and the essence of accepting apologies, let’s talk about what makes for an effective apology. 

So what exactly makes a “good” apology? Lerner highlights nine keys to an apology that works: 

1. No “buts”. “I’m sorry, but…” cancels out whatever was said prior to the “but.” It infers to the hurt party, “I’m sorry but I’m actually not that sorry.” 

2. Apologize for your actions/words, not for the hurt person’s response to those actions/words. Don’t say, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” because it implies that the hurt person is to blame for receiving the trespass as they did. Instead, we must take accountability by saying, “I’m sorry I did/said that to you.” 

3. A good apology offers restitution. In other words, try to make up for it. If you bailed on a commitment, reschedule and be sure to show up.

4. Be mindful of over-doing your apology. If you apologize profusely and don’t let up, this interrupts the repair exchange. As Lerner delicately notes, it’s annoying. What’s more, if you over-apologize and add things like, “I’m the worst, I’m such a piece of shit!” you’re victimizing yourself and requiring the hurt party to then tend to your self-deprecation. Please don’t do that, it’s unfair. 

5. There shouldn’t be an expectation that the other person apologizes as well. If you eff’d up, you eff’d up. Take ownership for your role in the conflict. If the other person also eff’d up, they should be able to come to that conclusion on their own. It doesn’t matter who started it. 

6. Mean it when you say it won’t happen again. True apologies require that you stop repeating the same harmful behavior. This can be difficult with habitual responses, but if you’re genuinely sorry, you need to make a conscious effort to stop doing/saying the harmful thing. 

7. Apologies shouldn’t be used to silence the other person. Depending on the delivery, apologies can be used to get the other person to shut up. This makes me think of the ol’, “Yes dear, I’m sorry dear, you’re right dear.” This is dismissive, disingenuous, and you’re being an ass-hat. 

8. Don’t apologize just to ease a guilty conscience. A true apology should not serve to make you feel better if it might harm the other person. It’s not an apology if it’s for the sake of your own healing. This might be the case when someone is setting boundaries and has requested that you give them space and stop contacting them.

9. Expect nothing in return. Finally, when we apologize, you shouldn’t be asking the hurt party to do anything. You shouldn’t expect forgiveness or reassurance that you are well-intended. You give the apology for the other person’s sake and that’s it. No strings attached.  

Easy-peasy, right? *Buzzer sound.* This stuff is hard AF, but such important work. In my next post, I’ll share more about our defenses during apologies and the step-by-step process on how to actually give and receive them.  

In the meantime, need help making repairs in your relationship? I’ll be here. 

*Borrowed from Why Won’t You Apologize? By Harriet Lerner, PhD (2018).

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Abby Erickson is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps people with anxiety and social anxiety learn ways to better manage their angst. She also helps people struggling with low self-esteem and body image issues be comfortable in their own skin. During her time at home, she's drawing from the challenges and wins in her own relationship to help couples and individuals feel more secure in their most important relationships.

The Real Reasons Why It’s Hard to Communicate with your Partner

Photo by Hutomo Abrianto on Unsplash

Managing relationships is hard. It’s even harder during COVID-19. While we are quarantined, we spend more time together than ever... but for many people this proximity does not lead to connection. What gives? In my own relationship, I experience this dichotomy. As I reflect on the past few weeks, it has brought me to a better understanding of my relationship, what I want from my marriage, and how to show up in a way that delivers on what I desire.

My husband is not a mind reader!

Why is it that when my husband is working round the clock and I am feeling neglected, ignored, and missing him that I greet him with a cold, distant, grumpy shoulder? Instead of a warm embrace when he finally does get home from his new COVID-19 induced car office, I signal a very different message than the one I want to send. My feelings are hurt and I want to protect myself by distancing, avoiding, and offering up some choice passive-aggressive comments. A real joy, as you can imagine!

My husband has many talents, but mind reading is not one of them!

Protective actions – the great cover up

It’s not our feelings that are the problem, it is often the protective behaviors that result from our feelings that really mess us up in relationships. In my case, my intention is to reconnect with him, but instead, my behavior shows the opposite. When we communicate in this indirect way (to put it gently), our partners can only make assumptions about what is going on for us and how we are feeling based on our behaviors. Then they will react to our reaction and we are off to the races! As a result, we end up getting in our cycle as we call it in Emotionally Focused Therapy. Our cycle is basically our pattern of communication when we fight that leaves us both feeling stuck and disconnected.

This cycle can set the tone for the rest of the evening, or worse, the next few days.

Why it’s hard to communicate our heartfelt feelings

There are a myriad of reasons why it’s hard to say things as they really are. Sometimes a lot of emotions are wrapped up in it. The timing might not be great. Both of you have had a long day. After all these years, you just want them to have figured it out by now, which goes back to the mind reading. 

If I have to distill down the key elements that get in the way of us communicating what’s really going on, here they are:

Lack of awareness

Oftentimes we don’t really even know how we are feeling and what we are needing in our relationships. It’s so much easier to focus on our partner’s behavior and point the finger at them than it is to look inward and really pay attention to our own feelings and needs. But then we get stuck in the anger, resentment, anxiety, depression...etc. We often don’t know how to get past that. 

We develop our sense of self and other at a very young age and then develop strategies for dealing with these beliefs. James Hollis, a Jungian Analyst, calls these anxiety management strategies. These beliefs of self and other and our strategies for managing them are often out of our awareness. Unless we become more aware of our own anxiety management strategies, we can become a prisoner to our behaviors.

Strategies that no longer work

These tactics for managing our needs and getting through life were developed for a good reason. They helped us get through hard times and protected us in a world when we had little power growing up. These strategies served a purpose. They only become a problem if they start to interfere with how we go about life now. We know we’ve outgrown these anxiety management strategies when we default to them and they cause us relationship distress, loneliness, anxiety, and depression. They can be self-defeating and unintentionally damaging to our most important relationships.

How we were taught

The way we have been socialized from a young age can also interfere with our ability to communicate our feelings as well as our needs. To put simply, in a culture that values achievement, many men have learned that their value comes from solving and fixing. They often enter into a conversation with their sleeves rolled up and ready to tackle the problem! Don’t get me wrong, these are the best of intentions! It’s just not always what their partner might be looking for. It can be confusing for a man when his partner says, “I want you to be with me, not do for me.”

Women, on the other hand, are often socialized to be caretakers whose greatest value is to care for other people. Sometimes, we get the message that the needs of others are more important than our own needs. As a result, we grow up learning to deny our own needs in service to this caretaking ideal. We can feel so bad about having needs that we talk ourselves out of asking for what is important to us. When our needs are not met, the frustration that results seeps out in indirect ways. Again, it would be so much easier if our spouses could read our minds!

Then of course, women can also be socialized to fix and problem solve and men to caretake.

Vulnerability is scary and hard work

Another reason we tend to shy away from honest communication is that it can be really scary to put ourselves out there. If you share with your partner your deepest fears and needs, will they be there for you? If you let them see you for who you really are, will they still love you, stay with you, care for you? Will they take you seriously? Or will you be too much for them? 

In the face of uncertainty and possible rejection, it’s safer and easier to give them the cold shoulder. 

A fuzzy signal

When we use protective actions and words to convey our feelings instead of speaking up directly from our hearts, our signal gets a little fuzzy… and it is difficult for our partners to understand what we are really asking for and needing. We end up implying something, sometimes the opposite of what we want or need, and we get frustrated when our partner gets it wrong. That’s a no win situation. 

Someone once put it this way, “My partner was communicating with a radio frequency I wasn’t tuned into. I just heard the static.”

How I overcame

In my own case, I initially had little awareness of how I was really feeling and what I needed from my husband. Without that awareness, I couldn’t find the words to express myself. I expected my husband to know what I needed and tend to those needs, even though I didn’t know them myself. That’s a tall order!

It took all of dinner for me to realize that I miss this man and that I want to hear that he misses me too. When he spends long days at his new car office, it doesn’t mean that he prefers that over being home with me, with us. When I finally told him what was really going on, we talked about it and gave each other the hug we both needed. We got out of our cycle and we were no longer carrying the weight of our disconnection, alone. 

How you can overcome

When you find yourself in your cycle with our partner, what can you do about it? The first thing is to look inward. Slow down and notice what is happening in your body to get a better understanding of how you are feeling. Pay attention to what you are saying to yourself. Finally, notice what you tend to do. When you have made some sense of your emotions and protective behaviors, can you try to communicate those feelings and needs to your partner?

Understanding ourselves to understand our relationships

It’s only when we can turn the mirror to ourselves and dig deep into understanding what we need, what we fear and how we protect ourselves from those fears can we fully show up in our relationships. When we show up for ourselves, we can show up for the very important people in our lives.

If you need guidance learning how to show up in these ways, I know how to help you. I can walk you through these steps and help you be more successful in your relationship, but also in your work, family and other social interactions.

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Kristin O’Hara is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps couples find love and connection in their relationship. She also helps individuals struggling with depression, anxiety and midlife transitions. The hardest thing about the quarantine is helping her kids adjust to schooling from home. Their family sometimes drives far (no traffic!) for a pizza takeout. This usually becomes the most exciting outing for the week, or month.

The Three Important Elements of Self-Care for All Times, but Especially Now

Image by aedrozda from Pixabay

It has been over a month since our Gov. Jay Inslee issued a “stay-at-home” order” order in WA. Usually, a month goes by and we don’t even notice. But, the quote circulating around social media is funny because it’s true: it really does feel like there are five years in April. Ok maybe not five years, but it does feel like we’re on the 12th week of April at my house!

Just when you think you have transitioned, think again

Now that we’ve had six weeks of practice (or, 5 years depending on how you experience time), we should have it down by now, right?! After all, we just need to carve out a space to work from home, make a schedule of things to do with the kids, meal prep for the whole week, cook endlessly, remember to fit in workouts because that’s what healthy people do, and then repeat. No big deal. 

Just writing all that makes me want to crawl back into bed. 

Whether you’re an essential worker who’s exhausted from your shifts, someone working from home or recently unemployed, or a parent who never signed up to homeschool your kids, it has been one adjustment after another. With the constant transition of new protocols at work, no school during spring break to now five assignments a day, it can be easy to forget what self-care looks like for you. Before the pandemic, you used to know how to do this, but now it takes so much more.

Self-care according to popular culture

Most people think about self-care as eating well, sleeping well, regular exercise, meditation, etc. It is all that and then some. Taking care of your basic needs is only one aspect of taking care of yourself. While doing the basics can be stabilizing during a health crisis; you might find yourself needing more with the passing of time. While you might not feel like you have the bandwidth to do more, engaging in these activities can actually strengthen your bandwidth. 

Do productive work 

Statewide, nearly half a million people are unemployed from the coronavirus. Meanwhile, people on the frontlines might feel like they’ve worked multiple shifts in one. In either case, we’d need to redefine work. If you went from having a regular work schedule to now being out of work and stuck at home, productive work is no longer limited to paid work. Instead, it can mean navigating the unemployment website, looking for a job, scheduling out your week with activities that are a little bit challenging, but not overly so, and actually doing them. If you’re a frontline worker and you often leave work feeling like there’s more work to be done, it’s a different strategy for you as well. 

If you’re unemployed

Self-mastery is a fancy term that speaks to gaining a sense of mastery over your life by doing things that help you feel more confident and in control. This is especially crucial during a time when you did not choose your circumstances, and things are very shitty right now. Self-mastery involves doing tasks that require some effort, but you’ll feel good about yourself when you’ve done them. Here are some additional examples of productive work during our shelter-in-place:

• Take care of your personal hygiene even if you have nowhere to go

• Pick up and sort through mail 

• Do laundry

• Clean up around the house 

• Take care of people in your home

When you don’t have income coming in, it can be tempting to stop all forms of work. But, when you engage in activities that you know need to get done, it can help you feel a sense of accomplishment, that today counted for something. It’s not meant to be life changing; but it can help move the needle forward in the slightest ways.

If you’re a frontline worker

If you’re not asked to do more during each shift, you might be “strongly urged” to pick up additional shifts. With needs that don’t seem to be letting up, it’s hard to feel like you’ve done enough after a day’s work. And no matter what you did, there were things outside of your control. Perhaps a patient died during your shift, you came back to a warehouse full of next day deliveries, you could’ve been even more thorough with disinfecting that near empty office… Did you make a dent today? 

You did. 

You did the best that you could for the day. Unless you’re a robot, your best fluctuates each day. With the current state of affairs, it’s hard to be firing on all cylinders, day after day. So productive work is more about having done your best and then coming back the next day and being okay with your best then too. 

It can also help for productive work for frontline workers to include non-paid work. Having a small project where you get to see the beginning, middle and end could help you feel like you were able to tie a bow on something. Here are some examples: 

• Putter around in the yard and plant something 

• Change out that burned out bulb 

• Cook your favorite comfort food recipe

• Clean out your garage (Yes, this can be a big ask. Even just a corner of it is enough)

• Tackle a jigsaw puzzle that is a bit difficult for you

Engaging in these or other activities can remind you there are ways to feel accomplished outside of work. And, work is not all that there is. 

Take care of basic needs

So, what are our basic needs? It’s actually a pretty long list:

• Rest the brain with sleep

• Drink water

• Stay hygienic 

• Eat food that fuels the body 

• Empty our bladder and bowel 

• Feel safe in our environment 

• Have a shelter over our head 

• Wear comfortable clothing 

While none of the above are rocket science, we do put our bodies through a lot and expect it to bounce back. With the stress of life, we may sometimes forgo some basic needs without recognizing it. And yet, it is especially during these trying times that we need to pay close attention to our basic needs. Because, when was the time you did the following:

• Stayed up too late or stayed in bed for too long? 

• Felt dehydrated?

• Fished clothing out of the dirty laundry basket?

• Ate what you knew would make your body feel bad, ate too much or skipped meals? 

• Held your pee or your poop when you needed to go? 

• Ignored your body’s signals when you felt either too cold or too warm?

• Stayed in the same posture for way too long?

When we’re not in a pandemic, we may go through moments where we ate out a lot, got little sleep, survived on energy drinks and (hopefully) recovered. When things are going awry, taking care of our basic needs is a buffer against the constant stress and illness. It doesn’t mean you have to do everything perfectly, but being mindful of the elements that are missing and being intentional about ways to bring them back would be helpful.

Make time to play

It’s not enough to do productive work and take care of your basic needs; you also need to find time to play. If you equate cleaning with play and find it exciting to meal prep many times over, these activities help, to a certain extent. You also need to laugh, to have fun, to allow room for creative endeavors. 

When there’s a shortage of time and money, here are possible solutions: 

• Show up for a scheduled online board game

• Work on an art project 

• Go for a bike ride with your kids

• Take a walk and notice the blooming flowers and young leaves

• Try a new recipe 

• Play your guitar, piano, cello, something

• Try an online class that you’ve been meaning to take in person 

• Do kids yoga as a family, even when you don’t have kids

• Watch this short video about how a music teacher is coping with teaching online:

The key here is not to achieve something; that’s under the section of productive work. Rather, it is to have a good belly laugh, to let yourself cut loose, and to share fun times. There are enough seriousness, restraint, and unknown in the world right now. People’s opinions about COVID will always be there. You’ll hear about plans for re-entry when it comes. Trips to the grocery store aren’t going to feel normal for a while.  But when you play, you’re shaking off the cumulative stress. 

It’s the restoration we can all use right now.

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Hi, I’m Ada. Here’s how I’m (trying) to practice what I preach -

• For productive work, I wrote this blog post today.

• For basic needs, I made too much food last week and too little this week. Next week, I might have a better handle on things. I’ll do my best then. 

• For play, I’m taking an online class where I learn to illustrate recipes. It actually works better for my schedule. 

I hope you find your work, (body) care and play too. 

Warmly,
Ada

We All Judge Others Sometimes...and Here's Why we Should Cut it Out

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. 
-Plato

Jumping to judgement 

Go with me on this, because I know we’ve all been here. You’re sitting at a restaurant table, patiently awaiting the arrival of your meal. Ya know...that in-between time when you’re sipping your “fun” drink and also trying to sift the lemon seed out of your water. You’re chatting with that friend, partner, coworker, or maybe your mother across from you. There is a lull in conversation, and you both look aside to see another woman settling into her seat across the restaurant. 

Your table guest looks back at you and says, “Woah, that gal clearly did not check her backside in the mirror before she left...she should not be wearing those pants;” she giggles passively with widened eyes and a sideways glance. Something about it doesn’t feel quite right as you receive her words. Half smiling, you respond, “Yeah, I know, right?” A tinge of relief sweeps over as you notice your server making his way to your table with entrees in hand. 

Not having it 

F*ck. That. Shit. Why is it that we consider these judgmental side comments about others’ appearance or demeanor “normal?” Do women need to gauge their wardrobe choices based on other women’s approval? This all too common behavior might be why some women have trouble trusting other women. It also might be the reason some women are labeled as fake, catty or passive aggressive. I’ve caught myself being judgmental, and it bothers me when I replay it in my head.  

Let me tell you why. 

I work with many young women and teenagers and this is the very thing they struggle with. Most all of them come in with at least some concerns related to self-esteem, body-image, or are otherwise critical about their appearance. Given the relentless social pressure from unrealistic media influences, the struggle is real. So much so that an overlying theme, and hallmark of issues like social anxiety, is a fear of negative judgment by others.

The behaviors we were modeled

As I work with my clients to understand their experiences, I notice they all have another thing in common -- judgmental behavior towards others has been modeled by someone they respect(ed)... a friend, partner, coworker or mother sitting across the table. These experiences shape a certain reality for them. My clients learn to believe that their imperfections stand out, to EVERYONE. Someone will undoubtedly notice their acne; their last-season scuffed boots will raise an eyebrow; the bit of skin hanging over their waistband will. be. criticized. 

If we’ve been socialized to notice others, why wouldn’t we assume others notice everything about us?

How we came to struggle 

As if we don’t have enough to worry about, it sometimes feels like we are walking around in a magnifying glass bubble, our every flaw exposed. This amplifies our self consciousness and sense of insecurity. And these insecurities can drive a chain of replicated behavior -  what we despise about ourselves we tend to project onto others. We judge, we snicker, we stereotype, we speculate. We end up making assumptions about people and situations that we really know nothing about. 

Some of this is to be expected - we so desperately want to put labels on our ambiguous world to make sense of it. However, when we look at others, we fail to consider that what we see on the outside may be covering a larger story... a story filled with pain-soaked words, loneliness, and trauma.

The whole story

Maybe the person who needs the seatbelt extension on the plane has an autoimmune disease, or maybe she suffered unimaginable abuse as a child… and she drowns out that suffering the only way she knows how. Maybe that girl’s scuffed boots were the only Christmas gift she received last year, which her single mother purchased from a second-hand store after weeks of saving up. Maybe the teenage girl you saw walking down the street in baggy sweatpants is on her way to the community clinic to get an abortion following a horrific sexual assault. Maybe someone with grown-out roots can’t afford another trip to the salon right now, because her son has a disability and she needs to prioritize therapy costs. 

But maybe not. Perhaps none of these stories are reality for these people… but that’s not the point. The point is that we Just. Don’t. Know. When we people-watch, we draw conclusions based on our own experiences, not the experience of the other. 

How we can be better 

What if we consciously lifted each other up? Next time Debbie from accounting walks by in one of her sequined tops fit to win an ugly sweater contest, let. it. go. She’s got her style; you’ve got yours. Similarly, Maddy can choose what she wants to eat for lunch without a running commentary. Let it be a thing of the past when people avoid walking by a gaggle of girlfriends for fear of hearing their whispers, followed by giggles.  

If you HAVE to make a comment about someone, then let it be kind. Make note of someone’s pretty nail color, cute top, or confident energy. What’s more, ask them how they’re doing, applaud them for speaking up, see them as one of you. Build. Them. Up. Women face enough pressure trying to navigate life “the right way.” We don’t need the added insecurity of feeling emotionally threatened within our own communities.

Go the extra mile: When you notice sh*t-talking, call it out, with kindness. And if you catch yourself doing it, own it and apologize. Develop accountability for how you are working to stop this behavior by giving permission to call each other out. This can help raise awareness and help you reflect on the impact of what you say and do. Recognize that how you speak about other women behind their backs matters: the pattern of negative behavior becomes more ingrained in you and it’s another jab against them when they’re already fighting a hard battle. Instead of judgement and criticism, let’s approach these observations with curiosity and compassion, and help others do the same.

Putting on kindness

In the moment, it might feel good to turn to a girlfriend with a knowing look and a gasp that says “Can you believe that sweater?!” but immediately after, something feels off inside. That off feeling can be a kind of shame creeping in -  your higher consciousness knowing you’ve done something mean spirited. Putting on kindness has a way of lifting your spirit. You can leave the restaurant knowing you were a better version of yourself.

So choose kindness. If you need help changing these conversations, I’m here. If you need help dealing with the effects of these comments, I can be that person for you too. 

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Abby Erickson is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps people with anxiety and social anxiety learn ways to better manage their angst. She also helps people struggling with low self-esteem and body image issues be comfortable in their own skin. She longs to help create a world where women and men learn to love their bodies.

A Challenge from a Mental Health Counselor: Part with your Phone for a Few Hours

Photo by You X Ventures on Unsplash

Out of my routine

It was an unusual Saturday where I woke up early and saw two clients via teletherapy. I was gone the last two weeks and wanted to be available to my people. After wrapping up my notes, I changed and left the house for an Orange Theory class. Little did I know, I remembered everything but my phone.

Well, this was better than the day before where I remembered everything but my runners. Needless to say, I couldn’t attend class then, and I wasn’t about to miss class again by turning around.

My device can’t be that important.

Waiting without my phone

The power class kicked my butt and I felt like it wasn’t going to end. When it finally did, I was so ready to reward myself with yummy take out! In Redmond, there are a number of Indian restaurants and I craved curry. After ordering a vegetarian curry and a lamb saag, I sat, waiting.

Remembering that I’d forgotten my phone, I was intentional in looking around and noticing things I would otherwise miss. The restaurant’s décor, the people working, the people dining. Perhaps I can finally take in what’s around me, rather than have my nose buried in a screen.

Phoneless and distracted

As I sat and looked around, my mind was distracted. I should check Whatsapp to see what’s up with my family. I don’t have my phone. Interesting art this restaurant has. This place is not very crowded at this hour. Oh, I wonder if that coffee shop around the corner is any good. Let me look up reviews. I don’t have my phone. What’s the weather like for the rest of the day? I don’t have my phone.

Why do any of these things matter anyway?

Takeout in hand, I strolled to a nearby coffee shop and ordered drinks. The line was long and I again waited patiently. Twice I found myself fumbling around in my purse for a phone I didn’t have. Instead of checking Facebook for the 3rd time that day, I noticed a hairstyle I’d like to try, a barista who spilled half the drink and had to remake it, a cute dog on the sidewalk, chalk art on the wall…

I would’ve missed all that if I had my device because I wouldn’t have spared a moment to simply wait. Like wait in line without engaging in something or with someone to distract me from the monotony of waiting.

What novelty.

I’m not that important

I finally got home and started eating. Normally, I would swipe my phone this way or that while eating and taste very little of my food. That day, I decided that if my phone could wait a few hours, then what’s another half hour? The curry and saag were very tasty. My drink was only so so.

When I finally picked up my phone, nothing important came through. My family said nothing out of the ordinary. The Bahamas are just as devastated by Hurricane Dorian. My husband was tired from SUP and had no reason to reach me. By then, I didn’t even bother with Facebook.

So much for FOMO.

Do you have your device or does your device have you?

Now, I understand you probably have more important apps on your phone. The stock market could have varied since the morning. Your friends are planning a meetup. Someone might have responded to you on LinkedIn. You might have a few more followers on Instagram. You couldn’t take a picture of the coffee shop line and mark your location.

But, when was the last time you were without your phone and how did that disrupt your routine? Were you agitated because you couldn’t get a hold of so and so and you wondered if the world was just passing you by? Or, did your mind conjure up the worst case scenario happening to the people you love and how you couldn’t be reached?

I understand you could be a very important person and your followers are hanging onto your every character on Twitter. But what if there could be a sense of freedom, of unburdening that happens when you’re not tethered to the lives of others, to the latest news, traffic or weather?

I know it’s hard to imagine, but we didn’t always have this. How did we wait in lines then? How did we know what restaurant to try when we didn’t have the reviews of others to draw upon? How did we go about our lives not knowing whether the roads are congested or exactly who responded to the invite?

How were we ever without our devices?

You’re going to be okay

As uncomfortable as it may be, you’re going to survive without your device. There’s a quality of presence that comes from being fully there, wherever you are, without the need to check this or get an update on that. Would you find yourself more engaged with the people who matter to you, who are right there with you? Could you notice something you’ve never seen before, even though you’ve been at that restaurant for the Nth time?

Might you learn something about yourself, if nothing other than, “I may be upset that I’m without my phone, but my phone is not my life. I can part with it. And the next time I pick it up, I can decide how I want to use it.”

Wanting to be less dependent on your phone is something many of us can relate to. Let us know if you need help with this or other areas of your life. Our mental health counselors are here.

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. While writing this blog, she only checked her phone once. She finished sooner because she didn't have to context switch. Ah-mazing. Okay, maybe not so ah-mazing. You can be pretty ordinary too, you know?

How I Stopped Procrastinating and Started Meeting my Goals

Photo by Brad Neathery on Unsplash

Procrastination at our house 

Over spring break I went on vacation with my family. When I go on vacation, I like to bring books. A lot of them! Mostly nonfiction and one good fiction book. I imagine myself relaxing and reading for hours on end...although this rarely happens. 

On this trip, I brought a book called Solving the Procrastination Puzzle by Timothy A. Pychyl. This particular book was not for me, of course, but for my daughter. You see, my daughter procrastinated her homework just about every night this past school year. Although she would eventually get her homework done that night, she would inevitably lose sleep doing it and would wake up the next day feeling exhausted. The whole cycle would drive me crazy! I would work with her on strategies to plan out her evening, making room for a mental break and then setting a time to get to work. 

Nothing helped. 

My book on procrastination was going to change my daughter’s life! What a helpful and dedicated parent I was! As I started reading about all of the things people procrastinate on - eating healthy, saving for retirement, reaching out to a friend, homework, writing a blog…it suddenly hit me...I am a procrastinator! This is not about my daughter at all. This is about me! Ugh! 

Why do I procrastinate?

What is preventing me from getting the things done that I want and need to get done? I often make excuses that it is too hard, I am not in the mood right now, I will feel like doing it later, I need to do other things first like clean my house, do laundry, declutter...I mentally dismiss my need for doing the task by saying it’s not that important, I don’t really need to do that, there is no rush. 

But deep down, I know I am lying to myself. When I think of doing something I don’t want to do I get a feeling of dread and overwhelm and before I know it, my negative self talk starts to take over. Procrastination makes me feel better by giving me short term relief from doing the dreaded task. 

I temporarily feel better! Only to feel worse later.

Is it really that big of a deal to procrastinate? 

What’s the big deal? Everyone procrastinates, right? The problem is that not only do these undone tasks hang over my head, they make me feel bad about myself and get in the way of my ability to live my best life. When I procrastinate, I am not achieving my goals. This takes a hit to my self esteem. I start to wonder  - why am I not living my life according to my goals and values?

Wow! When I really thought about it, I realized that procrastinating has a huge impact on my life and how I view myself. And I thought this was all about my daughter!

How I get motivated 

As a human and a trained therapist, I consider what’s going to help me get motivated. If I want to help my daughter and my clients, I need to figure out what’s going to help me. Here’s what I came up with:

• Scheduling time. With a little bit of practice and diligence, I try to schedule when I am going to sit down to get started on a project. Whether it’s at a specific date and time or after a planned activity. 

• Noticing avoidance patterns. I try to be kind with myself in my expectations and pay attention to what I am saying to myself about my ability to get this task done. When I start to go down the very deceptive path of procrastination...I notice my trigger thoughts of I’ll feel more like doing that tomorrow or first I need to walk my dog and use that as a reason to get started...even if it’s just for twenty minutes. 

• Managing expectations. I take note of the negative emotions that I am associating with the task and remind myself that I don’t need to do the task perfectly, it just needs to be good enough. This gives me a break from unrealistic expectations. Then...I think of how great it will feel to have the task completed and my goals achieved!

For more tips on increasing motivation, here’s an additional article. 

What about my daughter?

Even though this has not been helpful in the slightest bit to my daughter, maybe the most helpful thing I can do as a parent is to lead by example. No wonder she procrastinates! I’ve taught her well!

Progress not perfection

Don’t get me wrong...I still procrastinate. In fact this blog was supposed to be done a month ago...but I am working on progress, not perfection!

If you struggle with the pressure to get things done and don’t know where to start, trust me, I understand, and I’m here for you. Let’s figure out what works for you. 

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Kristin O’Hara is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps couples find love and connection in their relationship. She also helps people struggling with midlife transitions. She is thankful to have kids who help remind her to be the best version of herself.