What Keeps Teachers from Therapy

My experience as a teacher

When I was a high school teacher, I was so dang busy that I often didn’t have time to stop and think about how dang busy I was. I woke at 5:00am (ew), dressed and readied myself, quickly made up my gigantic coffee, grabbed my lunch (if I had enough energy to make it the night before), and took off on a 45 min/35 mile commute to get to school by 7:45 (ish) for an 8:15 am start.

Begin period 1. Sip coffee. Give lesson. Stand and mosey through the classroom. Ask questions. Answer questions. No, you cannot Snap me in the middle of class. Yes, you may go to the restroom—take the pass. Pass out papers. Pick up papers. Maybe assign homework. Bell rings. Next class. Repeat. And so on, either 4 block classes (~1.5 hours each) or 8 classes (~45 min each) passed until it was finally 4:00 pm.

In between grading papers and entering grades, I’d eat my lunch—that is, if I wasn’t supporting a club or tutoring students. In between classes, I might run to the restroom—if I had time. I had 6 classes, 1 conference period, and 1 planning period. I had around 150 students, give or take, depending on the semester. 150 students, 150 names, 150 grades per assignment, 150 different learners.

4:00pm hits. I stay at school, planning classes, grading papers, replying to emails, filling out paperwork. At the end of a six-week grading period, I would sometimes find myself at school until it was dark outside, working until I was way past hungry. 

Life outside of work

Monday through Friday, this was the routine. In my twenties, I found enough energy (with the help of pre-workout) to make myself go to the gym a few days a week before going home and (often) do more work for school, eat, and sleep. The hour at the gym, often 3ish times a week, was some of the little time I made for myself—that plus the occasional “retail therapy” on weekends which was more like a lot of window shopping. I got creative ballin’ on a teacher's salary.

Go to therapy, you say? When? How?

I am the type that has been busy all. my. life. When there isn’t something on the calendar, I’m not sure what to do with myself. For those first couple of summers as a new teacher I would enjoy the time off and rest at first, and then I’d start twiddling my thumbs after a month or so.

In the summer, we feel good. The sun’s out. We’re out. We take vacations. We see people more often. Commonly, we don’t go to therapy when we feel good.

However, what if good therapy can come from when we feel good? What if we’re able to sit and process—dare I say—better when we’re not in go-go-go mode? What if we have more emotional capacity to try new things, learn new skills when we’re not so burnt out we have to seek help?

Enter therapy

As a former high school teacher, I know what it’s like to hustle, to go through the day in, day out of this profession, and be thinking about the work, the students, sometimes their families and circumstances, at odd hours. If you’re having a hard time turning your mind off of work– I’m with you. 

Had I known more about therapy in my early twenties, I think I could’ve benefited. There’s something about processing direction and balance that I so enjoy working with with clients now, and I wonder, in a world that seems so fast, how we all may benefit from a lil slow down. 

Sure it may be odd to slow down after being so used to being busy. Ultimately it’s in the slowing down that we are able to appreciate and manage the busy.

Now, I advocate for the balance of busy with rest, and for a therapy that works for you in the time and space that you need it.

Can we help find that for you? If now is your time, let’s get some work done!

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We’re so glad to have Rachel Keo at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice in WA. She helps young adults and working professionals with life transitions. As a former high school teacher in TX and a Peace Corps Volunteer and Teacher in Albania, she also has a heart for working with school personnel. She’s seeing more and more clients working for the school district, and she loves what she does. She hopes to cross paths with you!

What I Do When I Fall in and out of Running

Not feelin’ it

I don’t like running, and I have fallen in and out of like with running for at least a decade. I suppose it’s more accurate to say I’m in a “I dislike running” phase. I first started running to get my mind off a difficult time, and I kept running when I found that I liked the meditative factor of it. Left-right-left-right, breath iiin, left-right-left-right, breath ouuut. Turns out, there’s something to it.

When we’re down in the dumps, we often want to sit in our sorrow, maybe grab a pint of ice cream and binge out in front of a light television show, or perhaps yell at a classic rom-com, “IT’S JUST NOT REAL” when the guy gets the girl. 

Just me? Yeah, I didn’t think so. 

Our body needs bilateral movement

Anyway, that’s all fine and good (in small stride) and what our bodies might also need is a little movement, a little bilateral movement. Okay, it’s going to get a bit technical here. Whether it’s walking, biking, running, swimming, what’s being activated is both sides of our brain, it’s bilateral stimulation (popular in EMDR Therapy)–that is, our brain is using both left and right hemispheres while our body is moving and taking in its surroundings.

When our brain is used in this way, we’re moving out of a “fight, flight, freeze, fawn” way of thinking into a cognitive processing way—and that’s when we are more able to feel calm, to feel relaxed. Even if it’s just a little bit, for a little time, this movement can remind our brains, and thus, our bodies, that we are okay. It’s okay. I’m okay. Over time, this reminder (even if we fake it until we make it) can help pull us out of the dumps in which we sometimes find ourselves.

Running to release 

The more I ran, the more I let go of my troubling past experience, not letting it run my mind. It wasn’t a running away from as much as it was a running through. When allowing my body to move, in a way that is calming to me, I was allowing my mind to reassess my situation, bring my awareness to the present, and be.

I’ve noticed over time, when I’m not in a “I like running” season, I’m usually focusing my movement elsewhere– like hiking, rock climbing, or dancing– and I try to remember it’s okay if I don’t stick to one activity. I have a hunch, though, that I’ll be falling back into running come autumn, the season and the season for my running stride.

What about you?

Sometimes life doesn’t go as planned, and when it doesn’t, it’s easy to forget that we may already have the tool(s) that gets us through– whether we’re currently liking it or not. Next time you find yourself at the bottom of that cookies-and-cream pint, tell yourself “It’s okay,” and then reward yourself with a little bit o’ movement, too.

Need more? 

Whether you’re needing to resume something that you know would be good for you or you’re wanting to get started on something new, I’m here for you. I know what it’s like to not feel like doing something, and to find my way back to it (time after time).

I want to help you find your way, whatever that might look like. 

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Rachel Keo is our newest clinician at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice in WA. She helps young adults and working professionals with life transitions. As a former high school teacher and a Peace Corps Volunteer and Teacher in Albania, she also has a heart for working with school personnel. When she isn’t running, she’s playing with her cattle pup, Kenji, and trekking the mountains by foot or rope. She hopes to have an opportunity to go through your life journey with you!

How to be an Emotional Support Human during a Medical Emergency

I’m writing this from out of town following a family medical emergency. The days are long and the waiting is hard. Little comments bring tears to our eyes, after which we move onto what needs to be done by whom when. Someone once said, “There is as much life in a moment of pain as there is in a moment of joy”.* We’re trying to take in all the moments.

As a trained therapist, my family is obviously not my clients. However, when one of us is upset, I naturally step in to give permission to feel our feelings, to provide empathy and validation, to give a hug and to remind everyone what the medical team has said. I think about pets and how they can be emotionally supportive and soothing during upsetting times. What can we learn from animals on how to be emotionally supportive during a medical emergency? 

Three tips to be an emotionally supportive human

When you don’t know what to say, say nothing

Animals don’t talk; they stay close and make themselves available. They sense that you’re in distress and they come near. People have the best intentions and they want to be supportive, but when they don’t know what to say, they can say the weirdest sh*t. “Oh, they’ve lived a long life,” or “At least you get to marry somebody else,” or “A similar thing happened to my sister…” and then they go on to tell their story.

Just. Stop. Talking. 

And never begin sentences with, “At least…” These words convey the opposite of empathy. For example, “At least they’re in a better place” is to say it’s a good thing that the person is no longer with us. When someone is grieving a loss and missing the person, that might not be comforting. 

Similarly, when you begin sentences with the words, “I’m glad…”, for the grieving, there might be nothing glad about the situation, not in that moment of pain. So, before you say something, ask yourself if it’s to make you feel better or do you really have the other person in mind? If it’s for you, keep it to yourself.

Keep your judgement to yourself

Animals don’t judge; their presence is unconditional. You can have bad breath, the worst hair day, be in a bad mood, feel horrible about yourself… It doesn't matter. When you want to climb into a hole, your emotional support animal climbs in there with you. 

People have judgments about what should’ve happened to prevent this or that or how something should be handled now that we’re where we are. People have opinions and some people have more than one, which inadvertently places judgment on an already very sad and heavy situation. 

Before you share your opinion, ask yourself, “Am I just saying this to be heard or is this solely to benefit the other person?” If it’s the latter, ask for permission to share. “I have a thought about this. Would you want to hear it?” It’s an overwhelming time for families going through a medical emergency. Even if you’re trying to be helpful with your comments, now might not be the time. Be respectful of how much information can be absorbed. Even good and helpful things can be left unsaid. 

Take care of basic needs

Under stress, there’s a tendency to throw basic self-care out the window. I’m talking about drinking water, going to the bathroom, keeping good posture, regulating your body temperature, etc. As an emotional support human, remind people to do these basic things. “It’s time to take a break from visiting and go for a walk” or “Let’s eat something now”. Be respectful and gentle with these prompts and never demanding. If it can be helpful, let them know the person they’re visiting would want that for them too. 

Taking care of basic needs would include your needs too. Imagine an emotional support animal that is sleep deprived, hungry, dirty and holding in their pee. They can get agitated, be smelly or accidentally wet the couch. Take breaks, keep up with your personal hygiene and get some air. You can only be emotionally supportive if you stay healthy and well. 

Take good care. 

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. After this blog, she’ll do some light stretching on Peloton and go for a long walk. Just taking it a moment at a time. 

A Non-Holiday Blog on Self-Compassion

It’s the holidays again and I, for one, do not know how 2021 passed us by. Rather than inundating you with another blog on how to survive an endemic holiday, here’s a poem by James Crews to remind you of self-compassion to take with you into the holiday season and beyond:

Self-Compassion

My friend and I snickered the first time

we heard the meditation teacher, a grown man,

call himself honey, with a hand placed

over his heart to illustrate how we too 

might become more gentle with ourselves

and our runaway minds. It’s been years

since we sat with legs twisted on cushions,

holding back our laughter, but today

I found myself crouched on the floor again,

not meditating exactly, just agreeing

to be still, saying honey to myself each time

I thought about my husband splayed

on the couch with aching joints and fever

from a tick bite—what if he never gets better?—

or considered the threat of more wildfires,

the possible collapse of the Gulf Stream,

then remembered that in a few more minutes, 

I’d have to climb down to the cellar and empty

the bucket I placed beneath a leaky pipe

that can’t be fixed until next week. How long

do any of us really have before the body

begins to break down and empty its mysteries

into the air? Oh honey, I said—for once

without a trace of irony or blush of shame—

the touch of my own hand on my chest

like that of a stranger, oddly comforting

in spite of the facts.

- James Crews 

However you wrap up 2021, may your heart be filled with Oh honey, and your hand, self-directed, bring stillness and comfort. 

We look forward to being with you in 2022. 

With care,
The team at People Bloom

Why People Seek Counseling in Two Simple Words

Photo by Sylas Boesten on Unsplash

The struggle is real

It goes without saying that the need for mental health counseling has increased exponentially given the pandemic. Racial trauma, political stress and gun violence have also added to the hurt, grief, trauma, anger and fear. These stressors exacerbated the problems that were already there. As I reflect on the reasons why people are seeking counseling now more than ever before, it comes down to two words: 

Being Human.

Our needs are real

If Abraham Maslow were still alive, he would’ve seen how the many stressors in recent history challenged multiple needs in his hierarchy, also known as the Maslow Hierarchy of Needs. As humans, we have basic needs for access to clean air, water, food, clothing, warmth and shelter. We want to feel safety and security in our employment, have access to resources, assets and good health. We desire closeness, connection and intimacy in relationships. We long to be seen, recognized, respected and treated with equity. We want to live to our full potential and leave behind a legacy.

The threats are real

Unemployment threatens access to basic needs and our sense of security. Eviction threatens shelter in a time when we need to quarantine. Too much time together with family threatens the need for personal space. Living by ourselves threatens our need for connection. Sickness, violence and death threaten health, relationships and legacy. Inequity and injustice bring up the historical and ongoing trauma that threaten the sense of belongingness, worthiness and need for access among marginalized groups.

Being human

If you’re struggling with one or more of these areas of your life, you’re being human. If you need help, that makes sense and we’re here for you. If finances or insurance is a concern, we have sliding scale spots through OpenPath Collective. If you need to slide lower than what we can offer through OpenPath, come in through this program and talk to your therapist. We’ll see what we can work out. 

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. She sometimes takes a break from everything that’s going on and turns to baking. She has made the same Earl Grey Yogurt Cake many times, varying the oil and sugar levels, using almond milk vs yogurt and substituting flax eggs for real eggs. By now, she enjoys seeing how her experiment turns out more than the eating of it. 

5 Ways to Spread Love During a Pandemic

Photo by Brigitte Tohm on Unsplash

I love my friends and family. But I sometimes neglect to show it. It’s not enough to feel it. People need to receive help and support from others - now more than ever. Isolation and loneliness is common in modern life, but during a pandemic it’s rampant. Just checking in on someone and reminding them that you care can lift their spirit out of a depression spiral.

I have to admit I haven’t been in a very giving mood lately. I’ve been so caught up in my own worries and the state of the world, thinking of others’ needs has felt draining. But the season of love has reminded me of all the rituals we used to do to show love for each other, and it’s important to continue to extend love and care. Valentine's day isn’t just for couples! Single folks and coupled ones alike can find fun ways to share the love.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve felt that giving presents can be more fun than receiving. Receiving a gift can feel awkward - I sometimes feel like I’m being put on the spot. But coming up with personalized gifts for loved ones can make you feel warm all over.

Here are 5 easy ways to show you care - even when it doesn’t come naturally

1. Do something to help a neighbor: shovel their walkway, offer to go on a grocery run. If you’re not sure what will help, ask what they need to feel supported. 

2. Send a postcard to a loved one letting them know you’re thinking of them - from whatever city you’re at. You’re stuck wherever you are - but most everyone else is too! When no one is traveling anyway, tell your friends something about your home base they don’t know and share what you’re doing to pass the time at home.

3. Get crafty. Make something for your friends or partner even if it feels silly. If you’re not feeling very artsy or inspired, use a kit like a terrarium making kit, a photo album app, or those Paint by Numbers posters. If you spent time on it, it doesn’t have to come from within for you to put love into it and give you a sense of accomplishment. The act of art is also therapeutic - so do it even if for yourself. 

4. Bake some treats for your pals and drop off care packages around town. 

5. Surprise a friend with delivery - many local companies have converted to delivery rather than in-person in the pandemic. If you can afford to splurge on this, support them and keep them in business. 

I get it - with many of us feeling serious compassion fatigue, doing things for others can feel impossible. If that’s the case, ask yourself what you need and see if you can give it to yourself. Do any or all of these things for yourself. Bake yourself your favorite treat, buy yourself small things that bring you joy, write yourself a note about how you’re doing. These small gestures might just revive you enough to help you reach out to others as well, down the road.

I hope you had a good Valentine’s day this year, even if it didn’t look like it usually does. 

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Karen Lenz is the Office Whiz and Insurance Guru at People Bloom Counseling. She writes blog posts as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. She doesn’t celebrate Valentines Day officially, but she tries to at least make it a nice, conflict-free, easy day. This year she checked in on her loved ones, baked some treats, and played silly online word games with her family.

How some Couples are Struggling During the Pandemic and What you can Do about it

Photo by Naveen Kumar on Unsplash

We’re still here, together 

Now 11 months into the pandemic, couples who have been stuck at home the whole time with or without kids are getting to know their partners really well. Maybe a little too well. If there were no major secrets kept and both parties were doing relatively well pre-COVID, being stuck at home with increased chores, limited social activities and restricted coping mechanisms has likely created relationship stress that wouldn’t be there otherwise. 

You couldn’t have known how your partner would respond when they develop cabin fever, when they don’t have the usual sports or social events to break up the weeks and months. Instead of the occasional work trip to make your hearts go yonder, it might be a case of, “You again?!” when you see each other in the kitchen. You might be running out of things to say to each other because not a whole lot is happening. 

If this is a challenging time for you, you’re not alone. When you said, “til death do us apart,” you didn’t sign up for, “a pandemic to keep us together. All. The. Time.” When you get so little time apart, it can create a whole new set of problems. 

The following are three common issues that come up amongst couples stuck at home, along with possible solutions. 

Disproportionate distribution of chores

Problem - 

It is no surprise that more women are forced out of the workplace due to COVID. And even if both partners are working from home, the lion’s share of chores often on women to do or manage. There are absolutely exceptions to this phenomenon and I know of very involved husbands and dads, but regardless of who ends up staying home, the  pandemic can quadruple the work for one partner! 

You can no longer rely on meals at the cafeteria, instruction at school, the cleaning service or respite care with in-laws caring for the children. Meal planning, cooking, cleaning up, tidying up frequented spaces, supporting online school, finding ways to entertain the kids, helping the children cope with the ups and downs of pandemic life… the list goes on. 

Solution - 

Reevaluate how chores were allocated. It’s possible that the way things were before no longer work - or really have never worked. It can take a pandemic to overhaul the system and start from scratch.

With everyone home, let’s map out the logistics: who has more flexibility in their schedule to get a child started on Zoom? Who can stay with them for special instructions? How often will dishes be loaded and unloaded now that there are twice as many meals to serve? How often will Amazon boxes be broken down before they become a fire hazard? Who leads the toilet scrubbing department? Figure out who can do what. If it helps to make a chore chart/wheel/spreadsheet, go for it, whatever it takes to create a plan to get everyone involved.

All chores are back on the table and up for delegation. As with any new systems, it’d be important to come back to the drawing board and see how things are going after 1-2 weeks. Nothing is written in stone and the need to switch things up only means you’re adaptable to the changing times.

Difficulty communicating needs

Problem - 

Pre-pandemic, if you had an office to go to, you had a commute to help you decompress from work. After work, you could go to your meditation class, grab a craft beer with your friends or look forward to your weekly b-ball practice. Such that if something bothered you earlier in the day, the passing of time and the ability to shift focus to another activity meant you were already in a different head space by the time you came home to your partner. 

Before the pandemic, when you got home you may have talked with your partner about what bothered you, but the intensity of that incident had already worn off. You could rely on your own toolbox to cope and didn’t need to ask for what you might need from your partner, from the relationship.

With COVID, you need to use more of your words because there’s a limit to what you can do to cope. Your commute is 20 steps away and you may even bump into your partner in the hall with the issue still burning in your mind. 

Solution - 

Over-communicate what might be going on. Workplaces are needing to over-communicate to their employees given remote work and ever changing policies. Why would a couple trying to figure out life together during a global pandemic be any different? If something bothers you and you can use some help, even just a little, err on the side of speaking to it, rather than letting things fester. “I need some space from Johnny. Can you watch him for 45 minutes while I read a book in the bedroom?” Or, “I’m tired of figuring out what to cook and I need help deciding. Do you want curry tofu or lasagna?”

If you have not been good about asking for what you might need, now is the time to flex that muscle. You can lean into your relationship to cope with these challenging times, especially when your individual coping toolbox is limited.

That brings me to my last point.

Fewer coping strategies 

Problem - 

You were likely resourceful before the quarantine in knowing what you need to do and when to do it to help you cope with life. You had regular activities to look forward to, as a couple or by yourself. You could gather in groups. You had music festivals, concerts, events, celebrations, travels to mark the passing of time. With COVID, you signed up for an online yoga subscription. Your workout moved to YouTube. You’re Zooming your book club. You’re watching a concert on Netflix rather than being at one. 

Things are just not the same. A coping skill that sounds good one day feels like crap the next. Now your partner sees how crabby you can be when you don’t have those outlets, and vice versa. 

Solution - 

Develop new coping skills. Choose activities that feel novel to you. Look into old hobbies. Do something that helps you feel empowered, rather than despair. Start and finish a project with your partner, even if the “project” is as simple as loading up the dishwasher. Develop new rituals together. Have time alone and apart. Especially in situations where one partner copes by spending time together and the other copes by having time alone, see how you can be together in your apartness. One couple I know will have their feet touch while sitting on opposite sides of the couch, one watching TV with their headphones and the other with their book. 

The things that couples come up with never cease to amaze me. 

Riding through this, together 

Until more is known about COVID transmission while vaccinated, most of this year will still involve staying put, social distancing and mask wearing. You’ll likely still be working from home, limiting travels and group activities. Your partner is pretty much it. It’s possible to have an even better relationship through COVID than the one you had before.

If you need help bettering your relationship, our couples counselors are here for you. 

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. With COVID, her husband has developed this new ritual of waking up at the same time she does and getting her tumbler and hot water ready for her ginormous cup of coffee. She hopes that ritual remains well into their transition back into post-pandemic life.

How to Christmas in 2020

Photo by Jimmy Dean on Unsplash

Traditions? What traditions?!

Last month, we published a blog about how to do Thanksgiving this pandemic year, aka Zoom-Giving. Now, we’re only a few days from Christmas, the second most celebrated holiday around the world, behind New Year’s. Frankly, these end-of-the-year holidays were not that big of a deal when I was growing up. We put up a fake tree, hung some ornaments, exchanged gifts with immediate family and invited 20+ people over for Chinese food. As a young adult, my extended family and I gathered for a meal, with or without traditional American holiday dishes. In the last 10 years since getting married, my husband and I have done everything from ordering Chinese takeout n’ binge watching movies, to visiting my aunts, to trying out big baking projects, just the two of us. All that to say, we don’t stick to any strict tradition from one year to the next.  

As I reflect on how we have little to no traditions around this time of the year, I understand Christmas can be a big deal to many people. 

A reminder of Christmases past

It all starts with putting the lights up after Thanksgiving, or for some of us - even before! A tree is carefully chosen over hot chocolate. Ornaments from 3rd grade arts n’ crafts are displayed. Christmas shopping is done, last-minute or in advance, and presents wrapped and carefully arranged underneath the tree. Perhaps there’s milk and cookies for Santa, and opening of presents on Christmas Day. There’s definitely the spread of holiday food, maybe a green bean casserole made the way Uncle Steven would’ve liked, or curried carrots from Auntie Darlene’s recipes. 

Then there’s the hustling and bustling around the house, of kids running around, of adults directing a gazillion questions at college kids who are home, of someone having too much to drink, and these days it’s not Christmas without a debate over a plant-based vs. a Paleo diet.

While many of us sorely miss being together, we so easily forget the stress of the holidays when we did gather. During a pandemic year when we’ve been cooped up at home or when most of our social interactions have been through Zoom, any face-to-face, 3-D, live person contact is preferred over staring into a screen.

Almost there. Don’t give in.

Yet, we’re so close. We made it this far! We’ve done this for 10 months now and the vaccine is near. Whether you plan to get vaccinated or will wait for herd immunity, this may be the only and final Christmas holiday you’d need to celebrate in a special, non-traditional way. 

You’ve spent all this time staying safe enough while also staying sane enough. Now is not the time to let loose. While the quality and access to healthcare might differ, depending, unfortunately, on coverage and/or your skin color, COVID does not discriminate. Just because you haven’t contracted it thus far does not mean you will not in the future. Depending on how you choose to spend your Christmas, you’ll either be grieving the Christmas you never had and moving on from it. Or, if you do get COVID, the best case scenario is you’re quarantined for two-weeks at home in January where your freedom will truly be limited. You could also come up with a new way to Christmas this year and make it special in spite of it all. 

YOLO is true either way. If you only get to defy Christmas traditions this one year, what would you do?

Ideas for how to Christmas this year

• Stay in your jammies the whole day!

• Buy everyone matching jammies and Zoom part of the festivities, or lack there of

• Go for a nice, socially distanced walk

• Try a new recipe

• Bake something. If it doesn’t turn out, throw it in the freezer and save it for “later”

• Challenge yourself to eat anything but traditional holiday food

• Still bake the turkey, stuffing, yams and the whole nine yards but savor it with your immediate family

• Play a new board game as a family

• Have a Marvel, LOTR, Harry Potter or Netflix marathon

• Treat it like any other day off 

• Tackle a home project 

• Cozy up under a blanket and read a book

As you look at this list, you’d realize anything goes, except when you take a risk that could have negative consequences.

Looking forward to 2021 with you

Unlike the magic of a light switch that turns off 2020 and turns on 2021, 2021 will come to us in the way of a dimmer. We’ll wake up to a continuation of what was 2020, but hopefully, we’ll be moving in the right direction. 

Our counselors here at People Bloom wish you a warm, safe and special nonetheless Christmas and New Year’s.

Best,
Ada

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. This Christmas, she will Zoom with her in-laws’ family on Christmas morning, bake onion rings for the first time and watch shows she has cued up on Netflix.

Happy Zoom-giving! How a Pandemic is Forcing us to Shake Things Up

Photo by Element5 Digital on Unsplash

One thing is for sure - this Thanksgiving will look very different than past Thanksgivings. We can’t gather like we normally would. It is partly lonely and sad, but the silver lining is that we’re not forced to spend hours around the table with people we fundamentally disagree with. I mean, we all know that if this was a normal year, the hot topic this holiday season would be how in the heck we’re gonna sit around a table and be civil with relatives after that election. 

Evaluating what matters

This year, we have a chance to reevaluate what really matters in the holiday season. What do we really want out of this holiday? Why do we celebrate it? Inarguably the origins of Thanksgiving was not a festive time for Native Americans. Considering this, what can we do instead during the holidays that feels right, and that we can be whole with?

Since many of us are not gathering anyway, we have time to think about whether we really wanted to gather in the first place, and if so, why and how we want to do it. We have an opportunity to reflect on what our generation (whatever generation you’re in - just go with it) wants out of life. We don’t have to follow certain traditions just because it’s the way we’ve always done them. So this year, let’s come up with a new way to celebrate!

Let’s rebrand Thanksgiving!

What are we really celebrating?

It’s time to question old conventions, create new traditions and break out of old norms. Let’s say we all agree that the holiday itself is a tricky one to condone, historically. Instead of continuing to teach our children the narrative that pilgrims and natives were one big happy family, we can teach them the history of colonialism. And if we want to gather as a family for late November festivities, we can still do that! Almost everyone I know is conflicted about Thanksgiving’s origin story. So let’s discard the illusion of perfect harmony between the colonists and tribes, and create something new to celebrate, not tied to our sordid history. 

Having grown up Jewish and now picking and choosing my favorite parts of the religion to observe, I’m all about picking the best things out of traditions and discarding the old archaic customs that need updating. When we do that with Thanksgiving, the focus of this day for me becomes: celebrate family, be thankful for everything ya got, cuz none of it is guaranteed, and eat well.

Coming up with a new tradition

Does this holiday have to revolve around a history with inherently problematic roots? Hint: no, the answer is no, it does not. Instead, is there a different label you’d want to put on it? If colonialism doesn’t sit well with you, but you still love family, food and thankfulness, then we should be able to have those things without an outdated holiday as the backdrop. This is a fun one to brainstorm with your kids. You can come up with new names for the holiday as a family. This year, the obvious choice and my vote is Zoom-giving!

Ada Pang, one of our clinicians often says, “A publicly recognized holiday in America is just a day on the calendar.” With Thanksgiving, it’s even a different date every year! So, who’s to say it has to be celebrated on Nov 26th this year? If you really miss certain family and friends, do another version of Zoom-giving when it is safe to gather again. Whole turkey might not be available in August, but who’s to say turkey has to be a part of this holiday anyway? Poor bird.

How do you want to do family time?

This year, give yourself permission to not do too much. If you want to forego everything and order takeout and watch Netflix - by all means! But you shouldn’t need a pandemic to be true to yourself. If you were to ponder plans for future holidays - what do you hope to gain from family time? Who do you want to invite? It’s ok to relieve yourself of the pressure to be a super host and accommodate people who test your boundaries.

If from now on, you want to only celebrate No-drama-november with your nuclear family, then can you let yourself do that going forward? Or, if you want to celebrate with your chosen family rather than your family of origin, then Friendsgiving it is - guilt free. Even if you can’t throw out all the traditions in just one year, see if you can renegotiate what you’d like to keep.

As for me, I’m making all the traditional dishes and delivering to relatives - we’ll all eat separately. It means I get to drop by to say hello, do my good deed, but not spend so much time together that we overstay our welcome or get burned out. And then I get to eat in peace. To be honest - I’m a little bit in love with this idea, and am considering doing this every year instead of the traditional big family dinner. It took a pandemic to realize that all those big family dinners did was make me feel claustrophobic. 

If you create new ways to celebrate, what’s the worst that would happen? Who’s to tell you otherwise? Is it expectations? Societal pressure? The patriarchy? Emotional labor camps? The answers are in the questions. You can let go of all of that noise. Or, at least some of that noise.

How do you show gratitude?

In the same way that we say we don’t need some random saint to tell us to show our love for each on Valentine's day, we also don’t need no stinkin’ holiday to tell us to be thankful! Then again, there’s nothing wrong with the reminder to be thankful on a certain day of the year. We can embrace this positive message without the Thanksgiving brand.

What if we made a special effort to show or express gratitude for the new Thanksgiving 2.0? You could keep a gratitude journal, or put notes in your thankfulness jar every day. Write your friends a thank you note just for being a friend. Tell your spouse you love them and what you’re thankful for about them. The list is endless.

Eating well is an ethos of its own

This is the fun one. If you’re a fan of the traditional Thanksgiving feast, you can still gather just as you always did around the table, with turkey, stuffing, and mashed yams with marshmallow goop on top. You don’t have to give anything up if you don’t want to. The new rebranded holiday you come up with can still center on good old fashioned T-G food. But if you do stick to this, make sure it’s what you really want. I imagine there are mothers out there who can’t stand the mush that is Thanksgiving food, but slave away on it anyway as a labor of love. That’s ok, but it’s also ok to mix in new foods you actually love as part of your new customs. Or go nuts - you can decide that from now on, you will celebrate with spaghetti bolognese, garlic bread and some vino. Because...why not? You can create your own path. You do you in other ways. Now do you with the holidays too, and do it wholeheartedly. 

The mantra this year is - question everything and do the things that bring you joy. If nothing else, this pandemic has helped us take a good look at all the motions we go through, and maybe it’s time to consider whether we really need some of those motions. 

Happy Tofurkey day, Friendsgiving, November family fun day, or whatever you want to celebrate to get through the madness that has been 2020! If you need some Zoom-giving debrief, our clinicians are here for you!

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Karen Lenz is the Office Whiz and Insurance Guru at People Bloom Counseling. She writes blog posts as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. She’s going to miss seeing everyone in person this holiday season, but she’s really looking forward to the traditional Thanksgiving food, even all the different forms of colorful mush.

What to Do when your Self-Care Activities Don’t Work

Photo by Alex Geerts on Unsplash

Most of us are not doing well

Back in July, I wrote about us entering the chronic stage of this global pandemic. Now a couple more months have passed and things are not much better. The smoke eclipsed the short summer we had left and last night’s first presidential debate was utter chaos. In light of all this, I should mention there are some people who are doing surprisingly well while social distancing, meeting online, and taking things in stride. But, that’s not most of us.

At best, many people are dipping in and out of feeling okay. At worst, they never adjusted and have been struggling since March. In the middle are people who rode the wave of crisis for a while and adapted, except the crisis never let up and they’re on the trajectory to burnout if not already there. 

2020 has been one hell of a year and we still have one more quarter to go. The quarter where Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) makes a comeback with the shorter days; the quarter where the next president will be determined; the quarter where some families will grieve their first holiday without their loved ones.

Zoom turkey is just not the same. 

You’re normal

If you’re struggling, you’re human. Some of the most ambitious, competent, adaptable and resilient people I know are struggling. It doesn’t mean you can’t hack it, because you likely have been through other trying times and made it to the other side. This time is different. It is the ripple effects of COVID, the continued disregard for Black and Brown lives, the devastating wildfires and the looming presidential election. There are countless stressful events in between that I initially listed but have decided to leave out because it gave me heart palpitations to write and re-read. If you wonder why you don’t have your shit together, it might be because you’re still processing the ramifications of the last event. Or the last few events. 

Stop trying so hard 

So, before you go off to list the self-care activities you either ought to be doing or have tried with limited results, let’s get something straight: Stop pressuring yourself to feel better. Meal prepping, going out for walks and journaling are great, but not with the undertone: This has got to work! This has helped in the past! Why can’t I get this to work?! It’s like pressuring yourself to fall asleep when you’re wide awake; good luck with that. 

Now I’m not asking you to give up, but I am urging you to approach this series of crises differently. This is not a nail you approach with a hammer or a screw you approach with a Phillips head. Rather, put down your tool and stop trying to fix things. Play Animal Crossing if you think it’s going to help you, but not because it has to. Go for a run cuz it’s a nice day out, not because you felt the runner’s high last time and you’re looking for that same effect this time. Do the activity that’s good for you, period. How you feel afterwards and whether it’ll actually help is secondary. If it does; great! If it doesn’t; it is still beneficial.

A study done on lab rats showed that even when they were forced to exercise, their mental health improved from the exercise as much as if they had chosen to hop on their wheel. How does this apply to you? Well, even if you really don't feel like it and wonder if it's even doing any good, it's better to get up and move than not. And if you can't bring yourself to do it today, there's always tomorrow. 

That brings me to my next point. 

Change your expectations 

If you have high expectations that yoga will leave you feeling all zen, and you feel just as anxious when you started if not more, then maybe you’ve tuned into all that your body was holding. These are not normal times and your usual or new coping strategies are not supposed to have the same effect. You also don’t have to do the right thing all the time. That’s exhausting. If you want some chocolate, have some chocolate. Don’t feel like jumping on that family Zoom call? Skip it. You don’t have it in you to show up for work today? Take a mental health day. You don’t have to be firing on all cylinders right now. Like, what cylinders? 

Do things that actually give you spoons

Lastly, not all coping mechanisms are created equal. If you both like to mow the lawn and you like the outcome of a mowed lawn, then all the power to you. For many other coping skills, we may like the feeling of having done it after the fact but not in the moment. So, if marinating chicken for tomorrow’s dinner feels too effortful at the moment and it will actually take away your spoons, then Trader Joe’s pre-made Koma Fish Curry sounds pretty good and just needs a trip in the microwave. The dishes are too much today? Let’s try again tomorrow. Instead, watch three episodes of Queer Eye over a frozen burrito. It might just replenish your spoons. Might. 

We’re here for you 

If you need help with your self-care activities, our trained therapists are here for you. We understand because there are times when we’re going through the same things and have needed to tap into our toolbox to stay sane. We want to help you develop yours.

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Ada Pang is the owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. She recently dyed her hair at home to switch things up. The last time she dyed her own hair was in high school. While it didn’t make everything better and it wasn’t supposed to, it was something she is reminded of everyday. It did help. A bit.