How to be an Emotional Support Human during a Medical Emergency

I’m writing this from out of town following a family medical emergency. The days are long and the waiting is hard. Little comments bring tears to our eyes, after which we move onto what needs to be done by whom when. Someone once said, “There is as much life in a moment of pain as there is in a moment of joy”.* We’re trying to take in all the moments.

As a trained therapist, my family is obviously not my clients. However, when one of us is upset, I naturally step in to give permission to feel our feelings, to provide empathy and validation, to give a hug and to remind everyone what the medical team has said. I think about pets and how they can be emotionally supportive and soothing during upsetting times. What can we learn from animals on how to be emotionally supportive during a medical emergency? 

Three tips to be an emotionally supportive human

When you don’t know what to say, say nothing

Animals don’t talk; they stay close and make themselves available. They sense that you’re in distress and they come near. People have the best intentions and they want to be supportive, but when they don’t know what to say, they can say the weirdest sh*t. “Oh, they’ve lived a long life,” or “At least you get to marry somebody else,” or “A similar thing happened to my sister…” and then they go on to tell their story.

Just. Stop. Talking. 

And never begin sentences with, “At least…” These words convey the opposite of empathy. For example, “At least they’re in a better place” is to say it’s a good thing that the person is no longer with us. When someone is grieving a loss and missing the person, that might not be comforting. 

Similarly, when you begin sentences with the words, “I’m glad…”, for the grieving, there might be nothing glad about the situation, not in that moment of pain. So, before you say something, ask yourself if it’s to make you feel better or do you really have the other person in mind? If it’s for you, keep it to yourself.

Keep your judgement to yourself

Animals don’t judge; their presence is unconditional. You can have bad breath, the worst hair day, be in a bad mood, feel horrible about yourself… It doesn't matter. When you want to climb into a hole, your emotional support animal climbs in there with you. 

People have judgments about what should’ve happened to prevent this or that or how something should be handled now that we’re where we are. People have opinions and some people have more than one, which inadvertently places judgment on an already very sad and heavy situation. 

Before you share your opinion, ask yourself, “Am I just saying this to be heard or is this solely to benefit the other person?” If it’s the latter, ask for permission to share. “I have a thought about this. Would you want to hear it?” It’s an overwhelming time for families going through a medical emergency. Even if you’re trying to be helpful with your comments, now might not be the time. Be respectful of how much information can be absorbed. Even good and helpful things can be left unsaid. 

Take care of basic needs

Under stress, there’s a tendency to throw basic self-care out the window. I’m talking about drinking water, going to the bathroom, keeping good posture, regulating your body temperature, etc. As an emotional support human, remind people to do these basic things. “It’s time to take a break from visiting and go for a walk” or “Let’s eat something now”. Be respectful and gentle with these prompts and never demanding. If it can be helpful, let them know the person they’re visiting would want that for them too. 

Taking care of basic needs would include your needs too. Imagine an emotional support animal that is sleep deprived, hungry, dirty and holding in their pee. They can get agitated, be smelly or accidentally wet the couch. Take breaks, keep up with your personal hygiene and get some air. You can only be emotionally supportive if you stay healthy and well. 

Take good care. 

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. After this blog, she’ll do some light stretching on Peloton and go for a long walk. Just taking it a moment at a time. 

A Non-Holiday Blog on Self-Compassion

It’s the holidays again and I, for one, do not know how 2021 passed us by. Rather than inundating you with another blog on how to survive an endemic holiday, here’s a poem by James Crews to remind you of self-compassion to take with you into the holiday season and beyond:

Self-Compassion

My friend and I snickered the first time

we heard the meditation teacher, a grown man,

call himself honey, with a hand placed

over his heart to illustrate how we too 

might become more gentle with ourselves

and our runaway minds. It’s been years

since we sat with legs twisted on cushions,

holding back our laughter, but today

I found myself crouched on the floor again,

not meditating exactly, just agreeing

to be still, saying honey to myself each time

I thought about my husband splayed

on the couch with aching joints and fever

from a tick bite—what if he never gets better?—

or considered the threat of more wildfires,

the possible collapse of the Gulf Stream,

then remembered that in a few more minutes, 

I’d have to climb down to the cellar and empty

the bucket I placed beneath a leaky pipe

that can’t be fixed until next week. How long

do any of us really have before the body

begins to break down and empty its mysteries

into the air? Oh honey, I said—for once

without a trace of irony or blush of shame—

the touch of my own hand on my chest

like that of a stranger, oddly comforting

in spite of the facts.

- James Crews 

However you wrap up 2021, may your heart be filled with Oh honey, and your hand, self-directed, bring stillness and comfort. 

We look forward to being with you in 2022. 

With care,
The team at People Bloom

How to Take Back Control when Anxiety Hits

Photo by Alex Chernenko on Unsplash

Are you sick of anxiety being at the driver’s seat, veering you toward the safest path but keeping you from the scenic route of your life? I can help you take back the wheel and enjoy the sights again. 

We’ve all had those times where anxiety takes over. This blog is for those folks whose anxiety interferes with life and tends to run the show on the reg. Anxiety can feel like a big scary no-no, a visceral experience in our bodies that must be avoided at all costs. But avoiding the things that cause anxiety often means we’re letting fear sit in the driver’s seat, ergo missing out on all the fun. That’s shitty and sad! But I bring good news - it doesn’t have to be this way.

Say what, Abby!? I don’t have to miss out on my life anymore because I’m anxious? Tell me MORE!

Alright then I will. 

The root cause of anxiety

Let’s get back to the basics and remind ourselves just what anxiety is. At the root, anxiety is a physical experience that begins in our nervous system when it perceives a real or imagined threat. According to Polyvagal Theory (give it a Google if you’re curious), this begins at an unconscious level with something called neuroception. Neuroception is like a smoke alarm, which is necessary and important, and also a giant pain in the ass. 

When our smoke alarm is super sensitive

Have you ever lived in a place with a super sensitive smoke alarm? The ones that go off when you’re just cooking chicken? There’s no real danger, nothing is actually wrong, but the thing lets you know that THERE MAY BE PERHAPS KIND OF ALMOST A PROBLEM HERE, WITH ITS LOUD OBNOXIOUS BEEPING JUST IN CASE!?!

Some of our nervous systems work like really sensitive smoke alarms, particularly for folks with trauma history where things really haven’t been physically or emotionally safe in the past. If this sounds familiar, you’re not broken, and there’s nothing wrong with you. 

The sensitive smoke alarm likely served you well in the past to protect you from harm, but maybe not so much now. While we might not (and wouldn’t want to) completely rid ourselves of our alarm system, we can help it heal by teaching it that things are okay. 

Calibrating your smoke alarm

We teach the smoke alarm that there’s no real cause for alarm by slowly exposing ourselves to the discomfort or source of the anxiety. It’s like saying to ourselves, Danger was then. Not now. No, it wasn’t okay then, but it’s okay now. This allows us to slowly take back the wheel of our life. Many of us have reinforced our smoke alarm by avoiding anything that could set it off, which might help us avoid anxiety, but we also end up avoiding our own lives. If we avoid anything scary, it also means our smoke alarm will malfunction when things do come up because it’s so out of practice. To the smoke alarm, everything seems scary, unless we take the time to calibrate it.

How to take control of anxiety

Name those uncomfortable feelings

The first step in facing anxiety is to reframe the experience of anxiety as a really uncomfortable feeling. Humans are built to tolerate some discomfort - you’ve done it throughout your life when you pushed through that English paper, dragged through that last set of reps on the weight set, or been vulnerable with a significant other. You can do hard things. Try to figure out what it is that’s causing the anxiety and acknowledge it consciously. 

Break down the source of the anxiety - starting with the easy stuff first

Once you’ve identified the situations that you typically avoid because they bring up anxiety, you can break them down into steps that progressively get harder. Start with the easiest aspect of the discomfort, and do that until anxiety is at a manageable level. Then take it to the next step up and repeat. 

This part usually needs an example. Take social anxiety. Let’s say you just moved to Washington for a new job. You don’t know a soul and we all know how hard it is to make new friends as adults. Let’s say your company party is coming up and the thought of interacting with everyone at once sends you into a panic.

Start with baby steps.

If big groups make your heart race, start small - get to know one or two coworkers at a time first. This could look like joining the ones that seem approachable in the lunchroom at first. Then, as you get more comfortable, ask a coworker who seems like pal material to coffee (and hey, if they say no, no sweat - offer to pick some up for them when you go and bring it back and win hearts). Repeat. Over time these small steps build those office bonds. Having just one or two people in your corner makes being in large groups a little easier to face.

Take a deep breath

I know this is easier said than done. So as you’re trying new things that cause anxiety, remember to breathe through it. Deep breathing is a great tool to use to cope with the anxiety that comes up. If you notice signs of anxiety creeping up, remind yourself that your nervous system is just trying to protect you with that smoke alarm and focus on your breath. 

Open up

If you’re worried about being judged for your anxiety - that’s understandable. But you’d be surprised at how many people understand and relate to fears that you have. Next time you’re with someone you trust, bring up your fear of flying or your worries about going on that first date and see where the conversation goes.

Experiencing anxious moments is very much a part of being human.

Uncomfortable but rewarding

This process can feel yucky, but ultimately, getting on that airplane or going to that get together to make memories with your loved ones is worth it. The goal is not to feel no, null or zero anxiety. Rather, it is calibrating your smoke alarm to go off when there really is a cause for alarm, and to otherwise feel some manageable level of anxiety while still doing what you love.

This is you taking your life back.

I’m here for you

Often times, people need a little help figuring out what those baby steps look like. If that’s you, I sometimes have room on my schedule.

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Abby Erickson is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps people with anxiety and social anxiety learn ways to better manage their angst. She also helps people struggling with low self-esteem and body image issues be comfortable in their own skin. Coming out of the pandemic, she has enjoyed new restaurants, new experiences in Seattle and catching up with old friends. Her puppy training has kept her pretty busy.

5 Ways to Spread Love During a Pandemic

Photo by Brigitte Tohm on Unsplash

I love my friends and family. But I sometimes neglect to show it. It’s not enough to feel it. People need to receive help and support from others - now more than ever. Isolation and loneliness is common in modern life, but during a pandemic it’s rampant. Just checking in on someone and reminding them that you care can lift their spirit out of a depression spiral.

I have to admit I haven’t been in a very giving mood lately. I’ve been so caught up in my own worries and the state of the world, thinking of others’ needs has felt draining. But the season of love has reminded me of all the rituals we used to do to show love for each other, and it’s important to continue to extend love and care. Valentine's day isn’t just for couples! Single folks and coupled ones alike can find fun ways to share the love.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve felt that giving presents can be more fun than receiving. Receiving a gift can feel awkward - I sometimes feel like I’m being put on the spot. But coming up with personalized gifts for loved ones can make you feel warm all over.

Here are 5 easy ways to show you care - even when it doesn’t come naturally

1. Do something to help a neighbor: shovel their walkway, offer to go on a grocery run. If you’re not sure what will help, ask what they need to feel supported. 

2. Send a postcard to a loved one letting them know you’re thinking of them - from whatever city you’re at. You’re stuck wherever you are - but most everyone else is too! When no one is traveling anyway, tell your friends something about your home base they don’t know and share what you’re doing to pass the time at home.

3. Get crafty. Make something for your friends or partner even if it feels silly. If you’re not feeling very artsy or inspired, use a kit like a terrarium making kit, a photo album app, or those Paint by Numbers posters. If you spent time on it, it doesn’t have to come from within for you to put love into it and give you a sense of accomplishment. The act of art is also therapeutic - so do it even if for yourself. 

4. Bake some treats for your pals and drop off care packages around town. 

5. Surprise a friend with delivery - many local companies have converted to delivery rather than in-person in the pandemic. If you can afford to splurge on this, support them and keep them in business. 

I get it - with many of us feeling serious compassion fatigue, doing things for others can feel impossible. If that’s the case, ask yourself what you need and see if you can give it to yourself. Do any or all of these things for yourself. Bake yourself your favorite treat, buy yourself small things that bring you joy, write yourself a note about how you’re doing. These small gestures might just revive you enough to help you reach out to others as well, down the road.

I hope you had a good Valentine’s day this year, even if it didn’t look like it usually does. 

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Karen Lenz is the Office Whiz and Insurance Guru at People Bloom Counseling. She writes blog posts as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. She doesn’t celebrate Valentines Day officially, but she tries to at least make it a nice, conflict-free, easy day. This year she checked in on her loved ones, baked some treats, and played silly online word games with her family.

What to Do when your Self-Care Activities Don’t Work

Photo by Alex Geerts on Unsplash

Most of us are not doing well

Back in July, I wrote about us entering the chronic stage of this global pandemic. Now a couple more months have passed and things are not much better. The smoke eclipsed the short summer we had left and last night’s first presidential debate was utter chaos. In light of all this, I should mention there are some people who are doing surprisingly well while social distancing, meeting online, and taking things in stride. But, that’s not most of us.

At best, many people are dipping in and out of feeling okay. At worst, they never adjusted and have been struggling since March. In the middle are people who rode the wave of crisis for a while and adapted, except the crisis never let up and they’re on the trajectory to burnout if not already there. 

2020 has been one hell of a year and we still have one more quarter to go. The quarter where Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) makes a comeback with the shorter days; the quarter where the next president will be determined; the quarter where some families will grieve their first holiday without their loved ones.

Zoom turkey is just not the same. 

You’re normal

If you’re struggling, you’re human. Some of the most ambitious, competent, adaptable and resilient people I know are struggling. It doesn’t mean you can’t hack it, because you likely have been through other trying times and made it to the other side. This time is different. It is the ripple effects of COVID, the continued disregard for Black and Brown lives, the devastating wildfires and the looming presidential election. There are countless stressful events in between that I initially listed but have decided to leave out because it gave me heart palpitations to write and re-read. If you wonder why you don’t have your shit together, it might be because you’re still processing the ramifications of the last event. Or the last few events. 

Stop trying so hard 

So, before you go off to list the self-care activities you either ought to be doing or have tried with limited results, let’s get something straight: Stop pressuring yourself to feel better. Meal prepping, going out for walks and journaling are great, but not with the undertone: This has got to work! This has helped in the past! Why can’t I get this to work?! It’s like pressuring yourself to fall asleep when you’re wide awake; good luck with that. 

Now I’m not asking you to give up, but I am urging you to approach this series of crises differently. This is not a nail you approach with a hammer or a screw you approach with a Phillips head. Rather, put down your tool and stop trying to fix things. Play Animal Crossing if you think it’s going to help you, but not because it has to. Go for a run cuz it’s a nice day out, not because you felt the runner’s high last time and you’re looking for that same effect this time. Do the activity that’s good for you, period. How you feel afterwards and whether it’ll actually help is secondary. If it does; great! If it doesn’t; it is still beneficial.

A study done on lab rats showed that even when they were forced to exercise, their mental health improved from the exercise as much as if they had chosen to hop on their wheel. How does this apply to you? Well, even if you really don't feel like it and wonder if it's even doing any good, it's better to get up and move than not. And if you can't bring yourself to do it today, there's always tomorrow. 

That brings me to my next point. 

Change your expectations 

If you have high expectations that yoga will leave you feeling all zen, and you feel just as anxious when you started if not more, then maybe you’ve tuned into all that your body was holding. These are not normal times and your usual or new coping strategies are not supposed to have the same effect. You also don’t have to do the right thing all the time. That’s exhausting. If you want some chocolate, have some chocolate. Don’t feel like jumping on that family Zoom call? Skip it. You don’t have it in you to show up for work today? Take a mental health day. You don’t have to be firing on all cylinders right now. Like, what cylinders? 

Do things that actually give you spoons

Lastly, not all coping mechanisms are created equal. If you both like to mow the lawn and you like the outcome of a mowed lawn, then all the power to you. For many other coping skills, we may like the feeling of having done it after the fact but not in the moment. So, if marinating chicken for tomorrow’s dinner feels too effortful at the moment and it will actually take away your spoons, then Trader Joe’s pre-made Koma Fish Curry sounds pretty good and just needs a trip in the microwave. The dishes are too much today? Let’s try again tomorrow. Instead, watch three episodes of Queer Eye over a frozen burrito. It might just replenish your spoons. Might. 

We’re here for you 

If you need help with your self-care activities, our trained therapists are here for you. We understand because there are times when we’re going through the same things and have needed to tap into our toolbox to stay sane. We want to help you develop yours.

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Ada Pang is the owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. She recently dyed her hair at home to switch things up. The last time she dyed her own hair was in high school. While it didn’t make everything better and it wasn’t supposed to, it was something she is reminded of everyday. It did help. A bit.

Little Things You Can Do In The Morning to Make Your Whole Day Better

Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay

What morning routine?

I know we don’t always have time to set up our day just right with a relaxing morning routine. But if you’ve ever done a wellness routine like meditation or yoga to start your day, you have to admit that the rest of the day goes more smoothly than days that you don’t, amiright?

Rushing around in the morning, jumping straight into whatever you have to do are all recipes for disaster. Whether it’s a work meeting, dropping kids off, or taking your Spanish exams  -  if you start right and mentally prepare for whatever the day brings, the tasks become easier and everything flows. 

But you don’t always have the leisure to drop in on a morning yoga class, meditate and make a nutritious breakfast. Less time-consuming, small things also help prepare you for your day, and these are the ones that have helped me.

Choose how you spend your time

With many of us working from home, we have a little more time in the morning than we would if we had to commute to an office. Let’s make the most of this time to do what’s right for your body and mind. And then there’s the social media problem. Consider how much time you spend waste scrolling endlessly, filling your mind with fluff and custom-tailored advertising just to you. The cost-benefit analysis isn’t great when you think of the hours spent and very little gained. Consider instead devoting just a smidgen of that time to something that will help you later. 

Consciously choosing how we spend our time gives us back a bit of the control we feel like we’ve lost as the world continues to throw new apocalyptic curve balls at us.  

Let’s say you only have 10 spare minutes in the morning. Here are some ideas for how to spend it wisely.

Move your body

Do stretches, do yoga, walk the dog, or roll around on the floor with your toddler - whatever moves that sack of bones and makes you happy. If you’re feeling ambitious, teach yourself a Youtube dance, or do a pilates video. 

It can be as quick as 10 minutes, but if you do more, give yourself a pat on the back. The nice thing about movement is that there is no movement too big or too small to count - meet yourself wherever you’re at and do what your body allows, even if you’re a little creaky. What matters is that you get your blood flowing and joints loosened up for the day ahead. This is especially crucial when you’ll be sitting in front of a screen for much of the day. 

Don’t forget to stretch your...vocal chords?

I discovered a trick by complete accident recently: it turns out singing to/at my dogs distracts them from whatever bad behavior they’re up to. Let me explain. The two nudniks were rolling around like maniacs nipping each other’s necks, which is all fun and games until someone gets hurt. When one dog inevitably went too far and the other yelped, instead of yelling at them as usual, I belted out “stop! in the name of love”...you know the rest. I may have added a little booty shake. They stopped, turned and looked at me. They were at my mercy, waiting for the rest of the lyrics. 

Ever since then, I sing out my commands - mind you this has to be a forceful singing with operatic gusto. When I do, my dogs are mesmerized and mellow out. Even stranger, I noticed it mellows me out as well. I feel centered and calm after letting it all out. This is reflected in my voice after I do it.  My voice is steadier and this makes me feel more equipped to face meetings, trainings, and talk to family. 

Mental health experts have corroborated this effect: humming and vocalizing can contribute to healing trauma, notably discussed by Resmaa Menakem in My Grandmother’s Hands, his work about healing racialized trauma. I can imagine how singing would be beneficial for trauma, considering how much it helped with my stress and anxiety. 

I don’t know about you, but for me, stress fries my vocal chords. My voice gets hoarse, weak, and I have a hard time projecting. Asserting my loudest, most confident singing voice in the morning wakes up my vocal chords and empowers me to be assertive in daily life. Singing has a physiological grounding effect on the body. So go for it - sing your heart out in the shower tomorrow morning and see how you feel!

Switch out the coffee for a wellness drink

Before you start accusing me of taking your coffee away - hear me out! If you’re a coffee junkie, I only mean for this to be an occasional replacement to mix things up, or even just an add-on item if you insist on your daily coffee fix. I wouldn’t dream of robbing you of the life-giving energy juice. However! Sometimes your body craves something more replenishing. Try starting your morning with a wellness toddy a couple times a week. It takes no longer than making coffee, and it’s a good way to leave behind a tired routine. Use your favorite herbs and spices in whatever combination you like. My favorite toddy combines turmeric, lemon or lime juice, hot water, and honey. Add some chili powder if you’re the spicy type. Steep some basil or mint if you like it herby. On hot summer mornings, make a superfood smoothie instead.

My turmeric tonic is full of antioxidants and Vitamin C, has anti-inflammatory benefits, and can energize you for the day ahead. Coffee is great for that mad jolt, but a wellness toddy has longer-lasting effects to make you feel warm and centered. 

Make yourself presentable, even if just for yourself

It’s all too easy to stay in the same clothes that you slept in all day, especially for those of us working from home and when we feel like there’s no one around to stop us (or no one to impress!). But whether you have to leave the house or not, making yourself presentable in the morning is key to feeling good the rest of the day.

Even if you don’t have anything planned, change out of the PJs, and put on something comfortable but presentable that makes you feel confident. Don’t forget your face. Moisturize, put on sunscreen, do that thing that brings out your favorite feature. It doesn’t take long, and it can make a difference.

You’ll be more ready to face whatever comes your way the rest of the day. You don’t want to get caught off guard answering the door in your bathrobe, or running out for that appointment you forgot about in your pink comfy pants because you didn’t take the time to get ready earlier.

Set intentions for the day

Are you stressed about something coming up? Instead of just running into it head on and being stunned by the results, try facing it deliberately and with intention. Let’s say you have an interview or presentation you’re stressed about -  imagine how you want it to go. Visualize being in a calm state of mind when doing the task at hand.

Writing down your intentions is key. The act of writing helps make things a reality. Whether it’s because it reinforces your desires subconsciously, or because you refer back to the physical writing throughout the day, it helps organize your thoughts.

Intentions can be reminders that regulate your emotional state and help you achieve goals. This is one of my recent intention lists from a weekday morning in the last week:

• Approach things with curiosity

• Stay grounded in my body

• Find joy in the dogs, even when you worry about them

• Discipline the dog from a place of love, not anger

Can you tell the dogs have been a focal point in my life lately? They were a great outlet for me to practice my intention setting. But you can do this with anything in your life, whether it’s a source of joy, anxiety, worry, anticipation, or anything that makes you feel emotionally unregulated. These are reminders for how to approach your day to keep the freak-outs at bay. That just rhymed, didn’t it?

If you need additional support, we’re here

As always, if you need more than what this blog has to offer, our clinicians are here to help. Sometimes having a neutral person brainstorm ideas with you is better than going about it alone. If you need help filing your taxes, cleaning your house or training your dog, that’s what accountants, cleaning service and dog trainers are for. We can’t help you in those other areas of your life, but for your mental health needs, we’re here for you. 

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Karen Lenz is the Office Whiz and Insurance Guru at People Bloom Counseling. She writes blog posts as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. In her free time you’ll find her cooking, playing with the dogs, and fixing up an old camper that she hopes to take out to the lake this summer.

“Now Say you’re Sorry!” Everything you Need to Know about Apologies in Two Blogs - Part I

Photo by Eric Ward on Unsplash

Welcome to humanity

We all mess up, say things we don’t mean, and hurt people we love. Emotions can make us impulsive and impair our better judgment. This is especially the case during a pandemic when we’re already stressed. We are human, and therefore imperfect beings. When the inevitable happens and we do care about our partner, we really need to work towards repairing the relationship. Repair usually requires an apology. But why is it that hearing “I’m sorry” feels so important to us? And, why is it so hard to offer up these same words to others? Harriet Lerner lays these answers out beautifully in her important work, Why Won’t You Apologize? (2018). Here is what I took away from it.

Why an apology is important: it “gifts” in more ways than one

Lerner refers to three “gifts” of a proper apology. The first is a gift to the hurt person. We’ve all been that person who is hurt, waiting for an apology. We feel unseen. We obsess, ruminate, grit our teeth, or distance when we feel wronged by another. And it’s hard to let that go until something gives. The gift of apology repairs that person’s emotional safety after a rupture in a relationship, and allows the hurt party to let go of the yucky feelings and move forward. 

Apologies are also a gift to the apologizer. It’s hard to apologize, of course...apologizing requires vulnerability. We don’t know how the other person will respond - will they accept our admission to the mistake and in turn, our imperfection? Apologizing can be scary because it can make us feel like we are giving up something, waving the proverbial white flag, perhaps providing ammo to be used against us at a later time! But in actuality, a genuine apology bolsters self-respect and self-worth because it’s a sign of maturity. We are owning the part of the interaction where we’ve messed up. If the hurt party is open enough to hear us, their respect for us might just go up a notch. 

The final gift is to the relationship. Apologies are necessary to work towards repairing relationship ruptures. All relationships have disagreements and conflicts from time to time; how frequently those conflicts arise depends on how attuned we are to our partner’s needs and sensitivities, as well as our own capacity to regulate our emotions. But it’s how the conflict is handled that counts. This is supported by literature around couples therapy, which universally stresses that ruptures are inevitable, and it’s the repair that’s most important for maintaining healthy and mutually satisfying intimate relationships. 

Genuine vs. half-assed apologies

Look, we’re not stupid. We can sense when an apology is not genuine, when the person saying the words are just trying to get it over with. Imagine the tone, “Well, SOR-RY!” or the words “I’m sorry you feel this way,” as if there was something wrong with you for feeling that way. Whether we’re the person giving the apology or receiving it, in the absence of a genuine apology that offers empathy and contrition, half-assed apologies can wreak havoc on connection. It often leaves the hurt party more hurt, upset and distant. And if it happens over and over in a relationship, it can tear apart an otherwise well meaning couple. 

Think of it as a compilation of small cuts that receive inadequate care. Without antiseptic, bandage, and attention...they scar, over and over again. One cut doesn’t do harm, but many little cuts signal a threat to our sense of emotional safety and get our defenses up. No wonder one argument leads to a totally different unresolved issue! We’re less likely to share our true feelings, make bids for closeness, and trust that our person will show up to help us heal, bandage in hand.

Learning to accept apologies

As important as the apology itself is, the hurt party needs to be willing to receive the apology,  as long as the trespass is not abusive. If we dismiss the apology by saying, “Eh, not a big deal..no need to apologize...it is what it is,” we send the message that their words or actions didn’t warrant a repair. When your partner genuinely wants to make amends, that response can come across as minimizing their efforts. As noted earlier, the apology is for the apologizer too. 

In a different scenario, if we keep shaming the person for their mistake, even when they’re genuinely apologizing, we reinforce that apologies are no good here -  aka, “Your apology doesn’t fix anything and I’m gonna stay mad at you anyways!” That’s you holding the grievance over your partner in a way they can never pay back. You’re essentially ignoring the cut or shoving it in their face without allowing them to tend to it. 

Instead, try this: thank the apologizer for the apology. “I appreciate you for owning your part. Your apology means a lot to me.” This is the most helpful response for mending the wound and the relationship. It honors the cut and opens the doors for proper healing...scar tissues don’t stand a chance here!

The 9 elements of an effective apology*

Now that we’ve covered why apologies are important, genuine versus half-assed ones and the essence of accepting apologies, let’s talk about what makes for an effective apology. 

So what exactly makes a “good” apology? Lerner highlights nine keys to an apology that works: 

1. No “buts”. “I’m sorry, but…” cancels out whatever was said prior to the “but.” It infers to the hurt party, “I’m sorry but I’m actually not that sorry.” 

2. Apologize for your actions/words, not for the hurt person’s response to those actions/words. Don’t say, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” because it implies that the hurt person is to blame for receiving the trespass as they did. Instead, we must take accountability by saying, “I’m sorry I did/said that to you.” 

3. A good apology offers restitution. In other words, try to make up for it. If you bailed on a commitment, reschedule and be sure to show up.

4. Be mindful of over-doing your apology. If you apologize profusely and don’t let up, this interrupts the repair exchange. As Lerner delicately notes, it’s annoying. What’s more, if you over-apologize and add things like, “I’m the worst, I’m such a piece of shit!” you’re victimizing yourself and requiring the hurt party to then tend to your self-deprecation. Please don’t do that, it’s unfair. 

5. There shouldn’t be an expectation that the other person apologizes as well. If you eff’d up, you eff’d up. Take ownership for your role in the conflict. If the other person also eff’d up, they should be able to come to that conclusion on their own. It doesn’t matter who started it. 

6. Mean it when you say it won’t happen again. True apologies require that you stop repeating the same harmful behavior. This can be difficult with habitual responses, but if you’re genuinely sorry, you need to make a conscious effort to stop doing/saying the harmful thing. 

7. Apologies shouldn’t be used to silence the other person. Depending on the delivery, apologies can be used to get the other person to shut up. This makes me think of the ol’, “Yes dear, I’m sorry dear, you’re right dear.” This is dismissive, disingenuous, and you’re being an ass-hat. 

8. Don’t apologize just to ease a guilty conscience. A true apology should not serve to make you feel better if it might harm the other person. It’s not an apology if it’s for the sake of your own healing. This might be the case when someone is setting boundaries and has requested that you give them space and stop contacting them.

9. Expect nothing in return. Finally, when we apologize, you shouldn’t be asking the hurt party to do anything. You shouldn’t expect forgiveness or reassurance that you are well-intended. You give the apology for the other person’s sake and that’s it. No strings attached.  

Easy-peasy, right? *Buzzer sound.* This stuff is hard AF, but such important work. In my next post, I’ll share more about our defenses during apologies and the step-by-step process on how to actually give and receive them.  

In the meantime, need help making repairs in your relationship? I’ll be here. 

*Borrowed from Why Won’t You Apologize? By Harriet Lerner, PhD (2018).

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Abby Erickson is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps people with anxiety and social anxiety learn ways to better manage their angst. She also helps people struggling with low self-esteem and body image issues be comfortable in their own skin. During her time at home, she's drawing from the challenges and wins in her own relationship to help couples and individuals feel more secure in their most important relationships.

3 Tips for Coping with the Chronic Stage of a Global Pandemic

Photo by Erik Mclean on Unsplash

From acute to chronic

July marks month five of COVID happenings in the US. We went from panic buying toilet paper to temporarily setting up work from home arrangements. Along the way, we adjusted to new rules at the grocery store and signage everywhere. We learned that schooling from home is not the same as home schooling. We might have gotten news about layoffs or if we’re still working, the ever-changing COVID policy rollouts. We order desks, laptop stands, chairs to make working from home more permanent. Clorox wipes reappear on shelves momentarily and there’s no shortage of companies selling you cloth masks. Leaving home without your face mask can feel like you’re leaving home without your phone. 

The reality of COVID

All in all, from the limited packages of chicken you can buy at the store to, “It’s the summer and I have nowhere to go!”, we’re reminded that COVID is staying, for now. While I’ve heard countless times, “Now if only this virus would go away!” or “I’m so done with this!”, we have entered the chronic stage of this global pandemic. It’s chronic in that it’s something we have to learn to deal with through the summer, into the fall and likely into 2021. Even if you don’t want to hear that, it doesn’t change what is. I see it as getting over the initial shock of, say being diagnosed with diabetes: one is still left with learning how to manage this condition.

Different times call for different strategies

The thing is, how we manage in the beginning is not how we manage now. Similar to my previous blog about building your wellness toolbox, we need different tools when we’re coping for the short-term versus planning for the long, or at least mid-haul. When the dust has settled but you’re tired of the same old same old, what are you to do? 

Here are three tips to cope with this next phase of COVID:

1. Switch things up - Nobody says your furniture has to go up against the wall, you can’t have breakfast for dinner or date night can’t be in the middle of the week. Move things around, break the unspoken rules in your own house, see COVID as an opportunity to live outside the box. 

2. Hold loosely onto projected changes - Whether it is the 50+ pages of reading put out by your district’s “Return to School Task Force,” your projected return-to-office date or version 7.0 of your work’s COVID procedures based on the latest CDC guidelines, the information is ever changing. Sure, stay abreast regarding changes and follow recommendations, but don’t get too attached. Before you know it, what’s in front of you might be replaced by yet the next best practice. 

3. Without putting you or other people’s lives in danger, do activities that make you feel just a little out of control - While it helps for kids to be out of school, life has been super structured or otherwise restricted. Planning things out, wiping things down, following social distancing rules can make you feel in control, but it can also be exhausting. Since COVID, couples have been trying out new ways to pleasure each other. Similarly, with the nicer weather, think long bike rides, SUP or kayaking.

We’re here for you

If you need help coping with this phase of the health pandemic, we got you. Our caseloads tend to be lighter over the summer. Come in now so you can get a head start into fall. We’re here for you, 100% telehealth.

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Ada Pang is the owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. She was looking forward to going out on her paddle board but slept in after catching Comet Neowise in the middle of the night. Next time.

The Three Important Elements of Self-Care for All Times, but Especially Now

Image by aedrozda from Pixabay

It has been over a month since our Gov. Jay Inslee issued a “stay-at-home” order” order in WA. Usually, a month goes by and we don’t even notice. But, the quote circulating around social media is funny because it’s true: it really does feel like there are five years in April. Ok maybe not five years, but it does feel like we’re on the 12th week of April at my house!

Just when you think you have transitioned, think again

Now that we’ve had six weeks of practice (or, 5 years depending on how you experience time), we should have it down by now, right?! After all, we just need to carve out a space to work from home, make a schedule of things to do with the kids, meal prep for the whole week, cook endlessly, remember to fit in workouts because that’s what healthy people do, and then repeat. No big deal. 

Just writing all that makes me want to crawl back into bed. 

Whether you’re an essential worker who’s exhausted from your shifts, someone working from home or recently unemployed, or a parent who never signed up to homeschool your kids, it has been one adjustment after another. With the constant transition of new protocols at work, no school during spring break to now five assignments a day, it can be easy to forget what self-care looks like for you. Before the pandemic, you used to know how to do this, but now it takes so much more.

Self-care according to popular culture

Most people think about self-care as eating well, sleeping well, regular exercise, meditation, etc. It is all that and then some. Taking care of your basic needs is only one aspect of taking care of yourself. While doing the basics can be stabilizing during a health crisis; you might find yourself needing more with the passing of time. While you might not feel like you have the bandwidth to do more, engaging in these activities can actually strengthen your bandwidth. 

Do productive work 

Statewide, nearly half a million people are unemployed from the coronavirus. Meanwhile, people on the frontlines might feel like they’ve worked multiple shifts in one. In either case, we’d need to redefine work. If you went from having a regular work schedule to now being out of work and stuck at home, productive work is no longer limited to paid work. Instead, it can mean navigating the unemployment website, looking for a job, scheduling out your week with activities that are a little bit challenging, but not overly so, and actually doing them. If you’re a frontline worker and you often leave work feeling like there’s more work to be done, it’s a different strategy for you as well. 

If you’re unemployed

Self-mastery is a fancy term that speaks to gaining a sense of mastery over your life by doing things that help you feel more confident and in control. This is especially crucial during a time when you did not choose your circumstances, and things are very shitty right now. Self-mastery involves doing tasks that require some effort, but you’ll feel good about yourself when you’ve done them. Here are some additional examples of productive work during our shelter-in-place:

• Take care of your personal hygiene even if you have nowhere to go

• Pick up and sort through mail 

• Do laundry

• Clean up around the house 

• Take care of people in your home

When you don’t have income coming in, it can be tempting to stop all forms of work. But, when you engage in activities that you know need to get done, it can help you feel a sense of accomplishment, that today counted for something. It’s not meant to be life changing; but it can help move the needle forward in the slightest ways.

If you’re a frontline worker

If you’re not asked to do more during each shift, you might be “strongly urged” to pick up additional shifts. With needs that don’t seem to be letting up, it’s hard to feel like you’ve done enough after a day’s work. And no matter what you did, there were things outside of your control. Perhaps a patient died during your shift, you came back to a warehouse full of next day deliveries, you could’ve been even more thorough with disinfecting that near empty office… Did you make a dent today? 

You did. 

You did the best that you could for the day. Unless you’re a robot, your best fluctuates each day. With the current state of affairs, it’s hard to be firing on all cylinders, day after day. So productive work is more about having done your best and then coming back the next day and being okay with your best then too. 

It can also help for productive work for frontline workers to include non-paid work. Having a small project where you get to see the beginning, middle and end could help you feel like you were able to tie a bow on something. Here are some examples: 

• Putter around in the yard and plant something 

• Change out that burned out bulb 

• Cook your favorite comfort food recipe

• Clean out your garage (Yes, this can be a big ask. Even just a corner of it is enough)

• Tackle a jigsaw puzzle that is a bit difficult for you

Engaging in these or other activities can remind you there are ways to feel accomplished outside of work. And, work is not all that there is. 

Take care of basic needs

So, what are our basic needs? It’s actually a pretty long list:

• Rest the brain with sleep

• Drink water

• Stay hygienic 

• Eat food that fuels the body 

• Empty our bladder and bowel 

• Feel safe in our environment 

• Have a shelter over our head 

• Wear comfortable clothing 

While none of the above are rocket science, we do put our bodies through a lot and expect it to bounce back. With the stress of life, we may sometimes forgo some basic needs without recognizing it. And yet, it is especially during these trying times that we need to pay close attention to our basic needs. Because, when was the time you did the following:

• Stayed up too late or stayed in bed for too long? 

• Felt dehydrated?

• Fished clothing out of the dirty laundry basket?

• Ate what you knew would make your body feel bad, ate too much or skipped meals? 

• Held your pee or your poop when you needed to go? 

• Ignored your body’s signals when you felt either too cold or too warm?

• Stayed in the same posture for way too long?

When we’re not in a pandemic, we may go through moments where we ate out a lot, got little sleep, survived on energy drinks and (hopefully) recovered. When things are going awry, taking care of our basic needs is a buffer against the constant stress and illness. It doesn’t mean you have to do everything perfectly, but being mindful of the elements that are missing and being intentional about ways to bring them back would be helpful.

Make time to play

It’s not enough to do productive work and take care of your basic needs; you also need to find time to play. If you equate cleaning with play and find it exciting to meal prep many times over, these activities help, to a certain extent. You also need to laugh, to have fun, to allow room for creative endeavors. 

When there’s a shortage of time and money, here are possible solutions: 

• Show up for a scheduled online board game

• Work on an art project 

• Go for a bike ride with your kids

• Take a walk and notice the blooming flowers and young leaves

• Try a new recipe 

• Play your guitar, piano, cello, something

• Try an online class that you’ve been meaning to take in person 

• Do kids yoga as a family, even when you don’t have kids

• Watch this short video about how a music teacher is coping with teaching online:

The key here is not to achieve something; that’s under the section of productive work. Rather, it is to have a good belly laugh, to let yourself cut loose, and to share fun times. There are enough seriousness, restraint, and unknown in the world right now. People’s opinions about COVID will always be there. You’ll hear about plans for re-entry when it comes. Trips to the grocery store aren’t going to feel normal for a while.  But when you play, you’re shaking off the cumulative stress. 

It’s the restoration we can all use right now.

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Hi, I’m Ada. Here’s how I’m (trying) to practice what I preach -

• For productive work, I wrote this blog post today.

• For basic needs, I made too much food last week and too little this week. Next week, I might have a better handle on things. I’ll do my best then. 

• For play, I’m taking an online class where I learn to illustrate recipes. It actually works better for my schedule. 

I hope you find your work, (body) care and play too. 

Warmly,
Ada

A Simple Word Exercise to Help Frontline Workers Decompress During their Breaks

Photo by Ashkan Forouzani on Unsplash

Being Adaptive

I once went to a training where an ex-firefighter turned marriage counselor told the story of post-911 rescue efforts. He was in a damaged building next to “the Pile” with his buddies, looking for survivors. They moved cautiously and strategically for fear that what remains of the building would collapse. They had to muster up the courage to keep going and push aside any feelings of vulnerability. It was only when they were back at the station could they commiserate about being incredibly scared that they might not make it back to their families. 

He went on to explain that the most adaptive people he knows are those who have learned when to turn their emotions on and when to turn them off. It’s not functional to wall off your family at home because you’re still in work mode, and nor is it helpful to melt into a puddle at work. 

This is not to say you can’t have a bad day at work, especially during a time like this. I’m not going there with you right now, not in this post. I am explaining how I’ve structured these exercises as a way to help you turn on and off your emotions, depending on where you are in your shift.

Statements to help prepare you for work, during work and after work

Below are statements that I’ve come up with to help ground you throughout the day. While I’m not in your line of work, I try to put myself in your shoes and walk around in them as I reflect on what statements could be helpful. If you can come up with better statements, or can ask your partner, your kids to give you a phrase to remember at work, please do. “Mom, I’m so proud of the work that you are doing!” is a good one. Remember that some statements may be more helpful at certain times than others. Statements like, “Daddy, I miss you! Come home to us!” may trigger more vulnerable feelings at the beginning of your shift than when you’re on your way home.

As you read the statements out loud to yourself with an emphasis on each of the bolded words, please let that statement sink in, time and again. The statement may feel differently to you, depending on where the emphasis is. They’re meant to help anchor you into the reality of the statement, to steady you, so please don’t be so quick to brush them aside. While they’ll not magically make you feel better in the moment, with practice, they can help you feel more present and centered. Reading them out loud and taking your time with them is the best way to practice this exercise but it’s also possible to do the emphasis quietly within. Read it together with a colleague, six feet apart, except for when you’re in the loo, of course. Or, read it by yourself.

Before your shift

The last day you worked is behind you. Whether that was just hours ago or a few days ago, it’s most helpful to focus on what’s ahead. While our mind might want to trick you into thinking that you’re still reliving a past experience, your body resets every time you wake up. Today is indeed a new day. 

The past is behind me. Today is a new day. 

The past is behind me. Today is a new day. 

The past is behind me. Today is a new day. 

The past is behind me. Today is a new day. 

The past is behind me. Today is a new day. 

The past is behind me. Today is a new day. 

The past is behind me. Today is a new day. 

The past is behind me. Today is a new day. 

The past is behind me. Today is a new day. 

The past is behind me. Today is a new day. 

During your bathroom break

You’re taking a breather but you don’t have a lot of time. Instead of scrolling through your phone while you’re on the can, read this statement instead: 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself. 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself. 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself.

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself. 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself. 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself. 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself. 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself. 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself. 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself. 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself.

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself. 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself.

During your lunch break 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

On your way home

You have carried the weight of the day on your shoulders; it’s now time to let go of that load. Up until now, you’ve needed to wall off your vulnerable emotions to stay sane and do your job well. It’s time to turn them back on. If that means you need to cry in the car, shake your body out (in no particular fashion), call up a good friend, pray to your higher power... do what you need to do. Then consider this last statement to prepare you to go home: 

My shift is behind me. My family is before me. 

My shift is behind me. My family is before me. 

My shift is behind me. My family is before me. 

My shift is behind me. My family is before me. 

My shift is behind me. My family is before me. 

My shift is behind me. My family is before me. 

My shift is behind me. My family is before me. 

My shift is behind me. My family is before me. 

My shift is behind me. My family is before me. 

My shift is behind me. My family is before me. 

And please make it safely home.

Warmly,
Ada