Tips for your Relationship while Setting Up your New Home

No matter how long you’ve been with your partner new situations come up, and when they do you learn something about yourself, something about them. As mentioned, my partner and I recently bought a house and moved. It hasn’t always been easy, but it helps to be working together rather than against each other. 

Having a new space comes with decisions about setting up your home. What kind of decor and furnishings do you want and where? What style are you going for? Do you want a security system and if so, which company do you go with? While this is still a work in progress for us, we’ve figured out a few tips along the way. 

Decisions you make on your own 

Do you ask your partner about most items you want to purchase or is it a surprise when the delivery comes? Do you set things up on your own or consult the other first? For us, it depends on whose “department” it is, how big the item is, and how much the item is. My partner likes to tinker with tech and he’s much better at understanding the mechanics of how something works. Thus, he can be in charge of replacing light switches and setting up the wifi and sound system. I need to know very little about what he’s doing in those departments, knowing that he reads reviews and chooses a middle-of-the-road product for us. 

I’m much better at organizing and balancing function with aesthetics. My partner doesn’t care where I put most things, provided I can help locate them when needed. It makes sense I’d be on the one scouring OfferUp looking for used furniture with drawers to hide our shit.

There are some decisions you and your partner can each make on your own given your interests and skill sets.

Decisions you make together 

I once had a friend who decided he and his partner wanted a baby grand piano and while she was out of town, he bought it as a “surprise” for her. Plopped in the middle of their family room, it took up more space than expected. Needless to say, it would’ve helped if they had made the purchase together. 

When it’s an item for personal use that’s larger than a certain size, my partner and I talk about it. That includes a piano keyboard, an exercise ball, and an under desk treadmill. We also need to agree on bigger items that will be in the common area, be it a couch, a bookshelf, or our dining set. When it’s a more expensive purchase, that deserves discussion as well. 

Lastly, where there’s an overlapping “department” issue, decisions should be made jointly. An example being my partner put up an alarm sensor, which was awkwardly placed in the corner of the room. The alarm system is his department, but things looking good is mine. We ended up taking the sensor off, chipping paint, and repositioning it. One of us was more upset about the chipped paint. We’ve since decided that if it’s something permanent that involves drilled holes or strong adhesive, I need to be roped in. 

Knowing what’s important to the other matters, which brings me to my last point. 

Being okay with differences 

Because my partner and I are different, it helps to be accepting of the other as their own person with their abilities, liabilities and preferences. While my partner is spatially strong and able to visualize how something looks, I’m challenged in that area. This led to us having to move and re-move our couch and rug like six times for me to see how putting those pieces at an angle does not work. While my partner would jokingly say, “I told you so!”, I wasn’t able to visualize it until I actually experienced it. 

Another example is how we have mismatched bar stools in our kitchen because he didn’t want to get rid of the old ones while I’ve gone on to prefer a different style. We plan to just leave it as it is; it is after all our home. 

Going through major transitions together 

Be it moving to a new state, a new home, or starting a new job, life is full of transitions. We have counselors here who are ready to help you tackle these changes with greater ease. 

---

Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. In the spring, she cares about weeding and making the garden look nice, while her partner is into setting up the sprinkler system. There’s probably more to lawn care than those things, but she has decided that’s a good start for newbies.

Tips for your Relationship while Buying a House Together

Photo by Tierra Mallorca on Unsplash

My husband and I recently bought a house! It hasn’t always been a smooth process and there was a lot of back and forth. But, now that this is almost behind us, I have a few thoughts about how the home buying process can be a relationship builder rather than a relationship breaker. 

Consider each other’s preferences 

I have yet to meet a couple where things mattered equally to them. One partner runs hot and wants to make sure the primary bedroom isn’t west facing. The other partner regulates temperature just fine and wouldn’t care either way. One partner likes a large primary bathroom; the other ample storage. For one, “I want an open floor plan!” and the other, “A sink in the laundry room!” As you consider your next home as a couple, take on each other’s preferences and advocate for them. “Look, you’d like this floorplan because the closet is separate from the primary bathroom!” “This can be your office on the main floor!”

I’d encourage you to be as excited about your partner’s preferences as your own. Put on their shoes and walk around in them. After all, there’s no better person to share space with than someone who considers and vouches for you, and you for them.  

Decide as individuals, separate from each other 

The home buying process is an emotional one. I recently witnessed a couple where one partner pushed to sell their home while the other dragged their feet. It created a lot of turmoil. Things were smoothed over when they found their next home, but had it not been for that, the rift between them would’ve continued. 

As you make a home purchase decision as a couple, talk through the process, but also take time separate from your partner to think about the purchase. It’s easy for one partner who feels more strongly about the house to lead the decision against the other’s wishes, which can lead to regret and resentment. How do you individually feel about the house? Are you, as an individual, ready to make this decision? Is now a good time for you?

If one partner in the relationship is putting on the brakes, do not proceed. There may be other decisions where you let each other lead depending on your skill sets. However, unless one partner is genuinely indifferent, or both partners are on board, keep looking.

I find it comical that my husband and I took turns being ready and not ready to put down an offer and did not proceed until we were both ready. While it can be hard to afford the luxury of waiting during a hot housing market, your future home is your sanctuary. It’s important to find something that’s fitting for both of you. 

Know your communication styles 

It’s common in a relationship to find one partner who is a verbal processor and the other who, for a lack of a better word, isn’t. While you’re playing the devil’s advocate, your partner hears that you don’t like the house and you all shouldn’t consider it. Or, when you’re just getting things off your chest, your partner is losing sleep planning and plotting to make these ideas a reality for you.

If this applies to your relationship, let your partner know that you’re just needing to talk this through. It doesn’t mean the house is off the table, or that they need to make something happen for you. Rather, when you feel seen and heard, that was the solution and you’re now ready to keep going. 

Remind each other to be realistic about your home purchase

Many people want to find the perfect home. Just as it’s hard to find a perfect anything, a perfect home doesn’t exist. Unless you build a house from the ground up, and even then things can go wrong, it’s best to be happy with a good enough house. If a house checks off 80% of what you and your partner are looking for, that’s a pretty darn good house! If you find your hearts keep coming back to this house as you tour other ones, it might be saying something to you... 

Our agent told us there are times when at least one partner in the relationship was so upset over something small, an example being the curtains were not staying, that they almost didn’t close on the house! The home buying experience is stressful enough; let’s work through these impasses so it can be a win-win situation for everyone. 

Stay tuned for other musings about how to stay partnered while renovating! As always, if you need help navigating your couple relationship through home buying, moving, parenting, or any other transition, we’re here for you. 

---

Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. Through this home buying process, she has gotten to know her husband in a deeper way, and him her. She hopes you can find your way through various transitions with your partner too.

How to be an Emotional Support Human during a Medical Emergency

I’m writing this from out of town following a family medical emergency. The days are long and the waiting is hard. Little comments bring tears to our eyes, after which we move onto what needs to be done by whom when. Someone once said, “There is as much life in a moment of pain as there is in a moment of joy”.* We’re trying to take in all the moments.

As a trained therapist, my family is obviously not my clients. However, when one of us is upset, I naturally step in to give permission to feel our feelings, to provide empathy and validation, to give a hug and to remind everyone what the medical team has said. I think about pets and how they can be emotionally supportive and soothing during upsetting times. What can we learn from animals on how to be emotionally supportive during a medical emergency? 

Three tips to be an emotionally supportive human

When you don’t know what to say, say nothing

Animals don’t talk; they stay close and make themselves available. They sense that you’re in distress and they come near. People have the best intentions and they want to be supportive, but when they don’t know what to say, they can say the weirdest sh*t. “Oh, they’ve lived a long life,” or “At least you get to marry somebody else,” or “A similar thing happened to my sister…” and then they go on to tell their story.

Just. Stop. Talking. 

And never begin sentences with, “At least…” These words convey the opposite of empathy. For example, “At least they’re in a better place” is to say it’s a good thing that the person is no longer with us. When someone is grieving a loss and missing the person, that might not be comforting. 

Similarly, when you begin sentences with the words, “I’m glad…”, for the grieving, there might be nothing glad about the situation, not in that moment of pain. So, before you say something, ask yourself if it’s to make you feel better or do you really have the other person in mind? If it’s for you, keep it to yourself.

Keep your judgement to yourself

Animals don’t judge; their presence is unconditional. You can have bad breath, the worst hair day, be in a bad mood, feel horrible about yourself… It doesn't matter. When you want to climb into a hole, your emotional support animal climbs in there with you. 

People have judgments about what should’ve happened to prevent this or that or how something should be handled now that we’re where we are. People have opinions and some people have more than one, which inadvertently places judgment on an already very sad and heavy situation. 

Before you share your opinion, ask yourself, “Am I just saying this to be heard or is this solely to benefit the other person?” If it’s the latter, ask for permission to share. “I have a thought about this. Would you want to hear it?” It’s an overwhelming time for families going through a medical emergency. Even if you’re trying to be helpful with your comments, now might not be the time. Be respectful of how much information can be absorbed. Even good and helpful things can be left unsaid. 

Take care of basic needs

Under stress, there’s a tendency to throw basic self-care out the window. I’m talking about drinking water, going to the bathroom, keeping good posture, regulating your body temperature, etc. As an emotional support human, remind people to do these basic things. “It’s time to take a break from visiting and go for a walk” or “Let’s eat something now”. Be respectful and gentle with these prompts and never demanding. If it can be helpful, let them know the person they’re visiting would want that for them too. 

Taking care of basic needs would include your needs too. Imagine an emotional support animal that is sleep deprived, hungry, dirty and holding in their pee. They can get agitated, be smelly or accidentally wet the couch. Take breaks, keep up with your personal hygiene and get some air. You can only be emotionally supportive if you stay healthy and well. 

Take good care. 

---

Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. After this blog, she’ll do some light stretching on Peloton and go for a long walk. Just taking it a moment at a time. 

Letting Go When a Friendship Ends

Photo by Clarisse Meyer on Unsplash

There’s so much advice and guidance out there on how to heal from break ups. If you just broke up with your honey, Cosmo gives you full permission to have a good cry, bust out bonbons, put on a Rom Com and stay in bed all week. But there’s very little in the self-help world about what to do when platonic friends go separate ways.

We’ve all been there - and it feels weird and confusing.

Why we hang on

Sometimes we hang on to friendships because we don’t know any better. We do it because the friendship is comfortable and it’s scary to walk away.Other times we hang on to friends because of fear that we’ll hurt their feelings if we leave their side. Still other times, we cling because it’s what we know, and it's hard to imagine our life without the person we were once close to.

Why we break up 

Even if you had amazing times with a friend in the past, it doesn’t mean that connection was meant to last forever. As we get older, we often change so much that we’re no longer compatible with old friends. Or maybe you’ve stayed the same, but your friend’s interests and values have shifted, or vice versa.  Sometimes our life circumstances change. There are countless reasons for going separate ways, and all are valid.

Not all friendships are meant to persist. With age we learn to distinguish between friendships that we should fight to keep, and those we should release. If you tune into what fills your cup, you know deep down what’s best for you.

Whether you have a conversation about breaking up or the friendship dissipates on its own, it can be uncomfortable. Telling someone you can’t be their friend feels harsh, even if your words are true. Ghosting feels flakey and lacks heart.

However you go about ending a friendship, it’s ok to free yourself of the guilt you feel. Keeping a friendship that no longer works for you can feel disingenuous. It is likely taking up spoons that you can use elsewhere. When you let go of a friendship, you’re setting boundaries and doing what’s best for you.

When a friend lets us go

Sometimes we’re the ones hanging on to the past. In this case, you and your bygone friend aren’t on the same page - you want to fight for a friendship, but you see signs that your friend doesn’t reciprocate this feeling. If you were once close, this can feel as painful as a romantic break-up, and no one ever prepared us for this scenario.  

The comfort I want to offer is this: know that parting ways with friends we once loved is common and normal. Friendship goes through seasons and sometimes, these relationships wither and don’t make it to that next season. Mourn the friendship by remembering the good things, and then honor your friend’s choice to let you go. 

And it’s also ok if it takes time to accept. When you have to say goodbye to friendships that mattered at one point, it makes sense that it would hurt. There’s no manual for how to do it right, or how to heal So, take your time getting over this breakup like you would a relationship breakup. Significant friendships were once intimate after all.

Finding your own closure

Because the end of a friendship is usually muddled in a grey area and doesn’t always get the closure that some romantic partnerships do, you may have to say your goodbyes on your own.  You can do this in a journal, in your thoughts and prayers, or in conversations with people you trust. Honor these past friends by acknowledging the good things they brought to your life in the season you had together. There was a time when it served you both well. It wasn’t all for nothing but it’s also time to move on.

Friendship breakups can be disorienting - but they are part of being social creatures, and I’m certain they’re the topic of many therapy sessions. If you need extra support, our therapists can guide you through this change in season, and help you see that your life can be whole, even as friends come and go

Let us know if we can help!

---

Karen Lenz is the Office Whiz and Insurance Guru at People Bloom Counseling. She writes blog posts as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. She has noticed that old friends from past lives coming out of the woodwork during the pandemic and decided to share some reflections on those that have gone their own way.

How to Face your Fears. It’s Not what you Think.

Society’s image of brave 

Popular blogs write about “overcoming or conquering your fears” as if you’ll be confidently standing on the opposite side of fear. Movies stream what used to be struggling characters rising to the occasion in triumph and casting their fears aside. But, what if in your everyday life, as you face the stress of leaving the house, of meeting up with a date, of asking for that promotion, you don’t feel or look that courageous? Does that mean you’re doing it wrong? 

As you take steps outside of your comfort zone, what if you’re sweating in your pits, trembling in your legs and ready to make a run for the bathroom, does that make you a coward? Or is that you being brave, even though you don’t look so put together?

I’ll come back to this in a moment.

Here’s my spider story 

I don’t like spiders. Never have. They look freaky with all those legs. I scream every time I see one. I sometimes ask my husband to pick them up and put them in his garbage can. Other times, I just need to face them alone. I love LOTR but I dread the spider scene. Peter Jackson, I guess that’s one way to face your fear of spiders.

Anyhow, after all these years of needing to face spiders, I still haven’t overcome my fear of them, per society’s definition. I still scream bloody murder at the first sight of them, my heart races and if my husband is near, he’s it! But, if I need to face the creepy creature alone, I wet a square of paper towel (sorry trees!), fold it in half and I go into battle! Not as a triumphant warrior signaling a confident posture, mighty paper towel in hand. Rather, as a whimpering child, screaming the whole time as I charge towards the eight-legged speck. 

Am I less afraid over time? No. Do I kill spiders, even though it causes a scene? Yes. Have I broken anything during these battles or allowed spiders to get in the way of my everyday life? No. Will I now voluntarily hold a tarantula at The Reptile Zoo? Hm, heck no!

The face of courage

What if courage isn’t so brave looking, but is full of screams, whether audible or something we keep to ourselves? What if sweating profusely while doing the hard thing is the face of courage? What if the problem is not in the discomfort of feeling afraid but in the fear that’s keeping us from doing what we want in life? 

What if we don’t have to feel so confident as we face situations that are daunting, but rather, we  forge ahead, even when we want to pee our pants? Confidence may be a side benefit of acting courageously, but it’s not a prerequisite to being brave. What’s more important is that you go after that spider or go on that date or ask for that promotion. Yes, you possibly risk the spider escaping (it has happened before!) or face rejection, but, what’s worse: attempting and not getting the outcome you want or never having attempted at all? 

We’re here to help

If you need help acting brave even though you don’t feel or look so brave, we’re here for you. We’re a group of therapists who don’t always feel or look brave but still get up every morning to do what matters to us, which includes meeting with brave souls like you. 

Just saying you need a bit of help along the way is an act of courage.

---

Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. If she ever needs to hold a tarantula, she’ll probably be in tears, drop the poor thing and make a run for the door. She has a lot of appreciation for bug petting zookeepers. 

Happy Zoom-giving! How a Pandemic is Forcing us to Shake Things Up

Photo by Element5 Digital on Unsplash

One thing is for sure - this Thanksgiving will look very different than past Thanksgivings. We can’t gather like we normally would. It is partly lonely and sad, but the silver lining is that we’re not forced to spend hours around the table with people we fundamentally disagree with. I mean, we all know that if this was a normal year, the hot topic this holiday season would be how in the heck we’re gonna sit around a table and be civil with relatives after that election. 

Evaluating what matters

This year, we have a chance to reevaluate what really matters in the holiday season. What do we really want out of this holiday? Why do we celebrate it? Inarguably the origins of Thanksgiving was not a festive time for Native Americans. Considering this, what can we do instead during the holidays that feels right, and that we can be whole with?

Since many of us are not gathering anyway, we have time to think about whether we really wanted to gather in the first place, and if so, why and how we want to do it. We have an opportunity to reflect on what our generation (whatever generation you’re in - just go with it) wants out of life. We don’t have to follow certain traditions just because it’s the way we’ve always done them. So this year, let’s come up with a new way to celebrate!

Let’s rebrand Thanksgiving!

What are we really celebrating?

It’s time to question old conventions, create new traditions and break out of old norms. Let’s say we all agree that the holiday itself is a tricky one to condone, historically. Instead of continuing to teach our children the narrative that pilgrims and natives were one big happy family, we can teach them the history of colonialism. And if we want to gather as a family for late November festivities, we can still do that! Almost everyone I know is conflicted about Thanksgiving’s origin story. So let’s discard the illusion of perfect harmony between the colonists and tribes, and create something new to celebrate, not tied to our sordid history. 

Having grown up Jewish and now picking and choosing my favorite parts of the religion to observe, I’m all about picking the best things out of traditions and discarding the old archaic customs that need updating. When we do that with Thanksgiving, the focus of this day for me becomes: celebrate family, be thankful for everything ya got, cuz none of it is guaranteed, and eat well.

Coming up with a new tradition

Does this holiday have to revolve around a history with inherently problematic roots? Hint: no, the answer is no, it does not. Instead, is there a different label you’d want to put on it? If colonialism doesn’t sit well with you, but you still love family, food and thankfulness, then we should be able to have those things without an outdated holiday as the backdrop. This is a fun one to brainstorm with your kids. You can come up with new names for the holiday as a family. This year, the obvious choice and my vote is Zoom-giving!

Ada Pang, one of our clinicians often says, “A publicly recognized holiday in America is just a day on the calendar.” With Thanksgiving, it’s even a different date every year! So, who’s to say it has to be celebrated on Nov 26th this year? If you really miss certain family and friends, do another version of Zoom-giving when it is safe to gather again. Whole turkey might not be available in August, but who’s to say turkey has to be a part of this holiday anyway? Poor bird.

How do you want to do family time?

This year, give yourself permission to not do too much. If you want to forego everything and order takeout and watch Netflix - by all means! But you shouldn’t need a pandemic to be true to yourself. If you were to ponder plans for future holidays - what do you hope to gain from family time? Who do you want to invite? It’s ok to relieve yourself of the pressure to be a super host and accommodate people who test your boundaries.

If from now on, you want to only celebrate No-drama-november with your nuclear family, then can you let yourself do that going forward? Or, if you want to celebrate with your chosen family rather than your family of origin, then Friendsgiving it is - guilt free. Even if you can’t throw out all the traditions in just one year, see if you can renegotiate what you’d like to keep.

As for me, I’m making all the traditional dishes and delivering to relatives - we’ll all eat separately. It means I get to drop by to say hello, do my good deed, but not spend so much time together that we overstay our welcome or get burned out. And then I get to eat in peace. To be honest - I’m a little bit in love with this idea, and am considering doing this every year instead of the traditional big family dinner. It took a pandemic to realize that all those big family dinners did was make me feel claustrophobic. 

If you create new ways to celebrate, what’s the worst that would happen? Who’s to tell you otherwise? Is it expectations? Societal pressure? The patriarchy? Emotional labor camps? The answers are in the questions. You can let go of all of that noise. Or, at least some of that noise.

How do you show gratitude?

In the same way that we say we don’t need some random saint to tell us to show our love for each on Valentine's day, we also don’t need no stinkin’ holiday to tell us to be thankful! Then again, there’s nothing wrong with the reminder to be thankful on a certain day of the year. We can embrace this positive message without the Thanksgiving brand.

What if we made a special effort to show or express gratitude for the new Thanksgiving 2.0? You could keep a gratitude journal, or put notes in your thankfulness jar every day. Write your friends a thank you note just for being a friend. Tell your spouse you love them and what you’re thankful for about them. The list is endless.

Eating well is an ethos of its own

This is the fun one. If you’re a fan of the traditional Thanksgiving feast, you can still gather just as you always did around the table, with turkey, stuffing, and mashed yams with marshmallow goop on top. You don’t have to give anything up if you don’t want to. The new rebranded holiday you come up with can still center on good old fashioned T-G food. But if you do stick to this, make sure it’s what you really want. I imagine there are mothers out there who can’t stand the mush that is Thanksgiving food, but slave away on it anyway as a labor of love. That’s ok, but it’s also ok to mix in new foods you actually love as part of your new customs. Or go nuts - you can decide that from now on, you will celebrate with spaghetti bolognese, garlic bread and some vino. Because...why not? You can create your own path. You do you in other ways. Now do you with the holidays too, and do it wholeheartedly. 

The mantra this year is - question everything and do the things that bring you joy. If nothing else, this pandemic has helped us take a good look at all the motions we go through, and maybe it’s time to consider whether we really need some of those motions. 

Happy Tofurkey day, Friendsgiving, November family fun day, or whatever you want to celebrate to get through the madness that has been 2020! If you need some Zoom-giving debrief, our clinicians are here for you!

---

Karen Lenz is the Office Whiz and Insurance Guru at People Bloom Counseling. She writes blog posts as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. She’s going to miss seeing everyone in person this holiday season, but she’s really looking forward to the traditional Thanksgiving food, even all the different forms of colorful mush.

Outliving our Furry Companions: Tips for Coping with the Loss of a Beloved Pet

Photo by Yerlin Matu on Unsplash

Losing a pet is devastating. It can be so jarring to our daily lives. Our little friend was with us on the daily - we spent every moment at home together, they slept at our feet, and they may have been closer to us than a fellow human being.

But many of us may feel like it’s not socially acceptable to make a big deal of it. Taking time off work, for instance: most of us don’t expect to get bereavement leave when we’ve lost a pet. Not to mention conversations with acquaintances! Have you ever heard this: “Oh, you’ll get over it! Are you going to get another pet?” How is that ever appropriate?! If someone had lost a kid, would they have said the same thing? 

Because that’s what pets are like: a child, a family member, a close friend. 

The sense of loss is constant

A year ago, I lost my cat of 19 years. It was the most disorienting thing. My partner and I had this family unit - it was us two and Tybo. Having him there was such a given, almost like Tybo was part of our house, built into the walls; a complete set.

Coming home to an empty house was heartbreaking. It was so quiet and still. I missed the ringing of his collar; his orangeness slipping past us, nuzzling our necks while we tried to sleep. His meowing, his purring, our meal routines, even our litter cleanup routine. These interactions, or there lack of, were constant reminders that he is no longer with us.  

I imagined how much more heart broken I’d be if Tybo was my main companion, if we were not a trio, but a duo getting through life together, through all the ups and downs. I have all this love, and now all this grief. Where would I put these feelings?

Animals are a wonderful source of support and unconditional love, and losing them is one of the hardest things a person can go through. It’s the kind of life event that’s hard to explain to people who have never experienced it themselves.

The grief is real  

When I lost Tybo, I took my grief seriously. I read about grief and loss and the psychology of these awful feelings. The pain can be as heart wrenching as losing a human loved one. That’s why hearing, “So when are you going to get another pet?” is so insensitive and infuriating. 

Everyone expresses sadness in different ways, but some aspects of grief are universal. I realized I was experiencing all the stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance; sometimes in order and sometimes not. It felt like my grief process was both a classic textbook case: formulaic and predictable, yet deeply personal. Knowing others experience grief in similar ways made me feel less alone. 

I’ve lost a few pets in my life, and I came out okay on the other end. It took a while and it wasn’t easy. However, these are some things that has helped me get through it.  

Tips for coping with losing a pet

1. Let yourself feel all the feels

This is a horrible feeling. Let yourself cry, let yourself take a day off work if you can afford it. It’s your life, and your mental health that needs care and attention. You may feel complete despair, hopelessness, and confusion. Write about it in a journal if it helps you express your emotions fully. Don’t be hard on yourself for feeling this bad. These feelings will pass, but also know that it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling right now. 

2. Do something special to honor your pet

My partner and I planted a peach tree in the back yard in honor of our orange tabby. We also made him a… wooden burial box (calling it a casket doesn’t sound right). We wrote love notes to him on the inside of the box and put his favorite toy in with him. We buried the box under the peach tree. We made a little gravestone out of pottery with his paw print on it and placed it in front of the tree. I think of him often when I look outside. 

I’m getting teary now just thinking about it. It’s been nearly a year, and time helps me look back fondly, rather than from a place of despair. Having a little gravesite to remind us of him makes him feel close to us and us to him. The peaches are delicious, by the way. 

Some people have a ceremony or a shrine in memory of their pets. Others make a photo album, or a scrapbook. And some frame a large photograph for their living room. Do whatever you find meaningful to you as you create something, anything, to represent how important this pet was to you and your family. The loss is real. Let’s honor it.

3. Talk to people about it

I initially felt a bit of shame feeling this bad about my cat. I thought…it’s just a cat (I was raised with the values that animals belong outside. On a farm or in the wild). So getting this attached to my cat was an unexpected life twist. But, considering Tybo was in my life for 11 of his 19 years, that’s a significant chunk of time. I was surprised at how understanding people were when I reached out and told them I was struggling.

Many people have experienced the loss of a pet, so while it’s not often talked about, your animal loving friends and relatives can probably relate to this feeling of loss. They can offer support, kind words, and a reminder that you’re not alone.  If you don’t know anyone who can relate to this feeling and show support, a therapist is a safe person to bring this up with.

4. Remember how you got through difficult times in the past 

Remember the last time you split up with a partner you cared deeply about, you thought you’d never get over them? You couldn’t imagine loving someone else, sharing a bed with someone else, and moving on. The thought made you shudder.

And then what happened? You found ways to live. You found happiness again, in a new way.

For me, the loss of a pet was different from losing a family member. A family member is truly irreplaceable. You’ll never have another mom, grandparent, or brother. And likewise, there will never be another Tybo - the goal is not to replace him or find one just like him. But the difference between losing a family member and a pet was the realization that I can find happiness with another pet. You too can find happiness with another little companion, if that’s what you want.

Another pet can bring you joy like you can’t imagine, in time.

Introducing our new furry companion

Over the summer, we adopted the best little guy from the Humane Society - a one year old yorkie we named Ziggy Stardog. At first I thought I’d feel guilty about Tybo; I was reminded of the loss constantly by the new addition to the house. I think about Tybo more now that Zigg is around. But the feelings that come up aren’t necessarily sad. Tybo would have eaten that, or Ziggy doesn’t open doors like Tybo used to. There will be comparisons, but I actually welcome those thoughts. They come naturally, and the reminders fill me with love for Tybo all over again. 

Ziggy is a bundle of happiness and he is what makes pets amazing! All he wants is to run around and be free and explore. When he hops around the yard sniffing things, chasing bugs and chewing on my zucchini plants, I find myself growing more and more in love with his pure animal innocence and joy. 

I can love Ziggy and have a place in my heart for Tybo, now and always. As I allow my heart to attach to an animal, yet again, I know Ziggy will fill me with much love, companionship, and long walks around our neighborhood. 

There is hope. 

Bringing you hope

If you find yourself struggling with the loss of a pet, or other life transitions, our team of counselors are here to help. It is not silly to be affected by life’s circumstances. Life happens and we can all use a little help along the way. We’d love to be that person for you. 

---

Karen Lenz is the Office Whiz Extraordinaire at People Bloom Counseling. She writes blog posts as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. She hopes this blog helps you get through your pet loss. She finds herself laughing out lout at Ziggy’s silliness, like she just heard a great joke. This blog is written in memory of Tybo and in celebration of Ziggy.

Are You Voting for Your Marriage?

Photo by Scott Webb on Unsplash

Happy anniversary to us!

My husband and I recently celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary! On that day, I performed the social media ritual of posting a throwback photo of our wedding. Captured in that sepia-toned photo were two joyful people, kids really, preparing for a journey they knew little about.

We may have looked like a couple of kids... but we were old enough to vote. My husband touched on something important when looking back on that day: you do need to vote. Every day you need to vote/choose to be a couple. The wedding day is all cake and laughter, but the choice to be with one person for the rest of your life, for better or worse, is hard work. 

Getting through the rough patches

Everyone gets thrown some curve balls in life. And when you are married, you are not only dealing with your own curve balls, but you are also dealing with your partner’s.

When I think back through the past 18 years, I reflect on some pretty hard times. The stress of having young kids, worrying about finances and health scares, and balancing that with a busy career can leave little time or energy for anything else. Even date night can start feeling like a chore. Honestly, neither of us were very fun to live with in those days.

Thankfully, things have gotten easier over the years. However, we often reflect on how thankful we are for making it through those times and not giving up on us. It’s definitely tempting to run away in those dark moments. Instead of giving up, we decided to go to couples counseling. 

We voted to be a couple.

Taking the leap

Going to counseling wasn’t an easy step to take. So many fear-based thoughts went through my mind that almost prevented us from asking for help… Going to couple’s therapy meant our marriage was a failure… Maybe we can work things out on our own... or What if it doesn’t work? Ultimately, I realized that sometimes even the strongest people can use some outside help. 

Considering all the objections my mind came up with, I’m thankful that we chose to seek help.

What couples counseling taught us

Couples counseling helped us change the way we communicate with each other. We learned to recognize our pattern of fighting that got us stuck in a negativity spiral. We were encouraged to look beyond the content of what we were saying and doing, and focus more on the process of how we were interacting with each other.

I never would have thought that a stranger could be the answer to our problems… that an outsider could hear the details of our specific situation, and use our story to guide us closer to each other.

But here we were.

We got to the heart of what we were feeling and what we needed from each other. When we started communicating from our needs and genuine intentions, it was easier to hear what the other person was saying. We started feeling heard and understood. We were able to express our hurt and pain, and look into each other’s eyes and see that our pain hurt our partner, too.

Those moments were healing and it made it easier to vote for each other. 

Is this you?

As a marriage counselor on the other side of the room, I see many couples who clearly love (or loved) each other, but they have waited so long to come to therapy. Could it be that the inevitable hurts and resentments that naturally come with spending a life with someone have hardened you and built up a wall between you and your partner? 

This wall can get in the way of your ability to vote yes for your marriage.

We can do something about that. 

Tearing down the wall

In a marriage, while you and your partner are so interconnected through kids, shared memories, and assets, you can also build walls between yourselves when it comes to your own needs. Although the wall might have protected you in many ways from your hurts, it has also caused isolation and loneliness, which hurts even more.

Sometimes the task of breaking through that pain feels insurmountable, and you might give up hope. Separating from each other can be the right thing for you, despite the shared experiences and love you had for each other. But for others of you, there is light on the other side of this marital hardship. Having the strength to walk through the hardship is what is needed to see that light, and feel the connection and happiness you once felt. 

I’m voting for you

Going to marriage counseling is like voting yes for your marriage. It can give you the extra support you need to walk through the darkness and come through on the other side. It takes hard work, but just like marriage itself, it can be well worth the work. 

Let me know when you’re ready to come in and vote. I’ll be here. 

---

Kristin O’Hara is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps couples find love and connection in their relationship. She also helps people struggling with midlife transitions. She spent her anniversary relaxing with her husband, reflecting back on their many years of joys, sorrows and wonderful shared memories.

The Emotional Roller Coaster of Tidying Up

Photo by tu tu on Unsplash

Marie Kondo has spread spring cleaning fever across the nation with her Netflix show Tidying Up. If you’ve been watching and think you might want to venture on your tidying up journey, maybe my experience will inspire you to take the plunge. I read Kondo’s book The Life Changing Magic of Tidying up a few years ago and followed through with her KonMarie method to declutter my life.  

Don’t let the title fool you - there is no magic trick it; the process is tedious, emotionally draining and physically exhausting. But the result is absolutely magical. The KonMarie method helps you declutter with mindfulness and intention, and it might just be the most rewarding project you’ll ever set your mind to.

How do people become collectors?

As the daughter of an immigrant mom from the old country, I inherited a tendency to hang on to things. Growing up, everyone in my family had their own collections - I collected stickers and stationary;  my older siblings saved stamps and coins, my dad had his books. At the dinner table, we did not waste a drop of food and ate leftovers for weeks. We complied treasures at yard sales every weekend, and never threw functional things away, because “you never know if you’ll need it.”

Not only do I hold onto practical items, but I’m also sentimental - and not just for heirlooms from childhood or memorabilia. I’ll attach sentimental value to a shopping list from my adult life 10 years ago because it reminds me what I bought when I was living in that brownstone apartment in downtown Portland. If I don’t keep it, how else will I remember those days?

If your stuff is piling up and you don’t know where anything is, it’s probably contributing to your stress. But anyone who gets attached to things knows that their stuff is more than that. Stuff symbolizes important times, events, rites of passage, and sometimes it just brings us comfort.

When life forces you to make a change

My first indication that I had a problem was my fridge. You open my freezer at your own risk (of avalanche). The wake-up call was when my boyfriend cleaned out my fridge and found enough expired condiments and rotting food to fill a black 55 gallon garbage bag. Seeing it all in the bag was a shock!

I had become my mother.

I was actually upset with him for throwing away ancient freezer-burned food. I was strangely attached to it, because I bought it at some point for a reason, and I felt connected to it. And I felt embarrassed. A whole slew of emotions come out when you’re confronted with your own hoarding tendencies.  But I understood that my attachment to 3 year old frozen veggie dogs was ridiculous - and that was my turning point. Once the food was in the bag, I felt like a weight had been lifted. I wanted to face my clutter demons all over the house.

At the time I read Kondo’s book, I was moving from an 1100 sq ft apartment with storage where I lived on my own, to an 800 sq ft space with no storage that I’d be sharing with my boyfriend.  I had no choice but to downsize, which was a great motivator. If you’re about to embark on the great tidying, it helps telling yourself you have to downsize as you go through your stuff - even if you don’t. Someday you might, and if you have too much stuff, it’ll just be more work for you, later.

The Joy of Giving

Parting with my stuff was hard, but what made saying goodbye easier was knowing that my things would be more appreciated elsewhere. On the day I moved, I had a giveaway “free-sale” and got to see my old stuff spark joy in others. My Anatomy and Physiology textbook was going to a college student who would continue to use it. Craft supplies went to a kindergarten teacher and a mother of young kids. Tennis rackets were going to a couple of best friends in high school. My old pottery work that I wasn’t too proud of was going to be treasured in someone else’s kitchen. My stuff was doing a lot more good with others than in dark corners of my closets.

This brought me joy.

The decluttering process

The KonMarie method guides you step by step on how to part ways with different types of items, starting with clothes. Clothes can be overwhelming to sort at first, but become easier the more you do it. I had collected so many items in my 20s that I kept into my 30s -  vintage dresses alone made a mound that took up my whole queen bed.

It took me weeks to sort through clothes, and it was tedious at first. The difficulty came from the feeling that by getting rid of things from my past, I’m dismissing my former self. But the beauty of this method is that you get to honor those items by parting with them lovingly, thanking them for their service. While this may sound corny, showing gratitude was crucial for sentimental folks like myself who get attached to things.

I kept only items that “sparked joy” that I wanted to bring with me to the future. I got rid of about 75% of my clothes and have no regrets. Now I know where all my clothes are, and I wear only things that fit well and represent who I am now and who I want to be. While it’s not perfect, I take pride in the organization that I’ve kept up. That’s part of the magic: once you’ve started a system that makes your life easier, you never go back to keeping things in unruly piles.

Reckoning with your past and present

Sorting through old papers was emotionally draining, but the epiphanies I had as a result were truly life changing. I attach so much importance to papers. I used to keep all my homework, notes and essays from college. School papers represented what I learned -  ideas that changed me and helped me grow as a person. Would throwing away these things be a denial of my own identity? And was it even my identity now that 15 years have passed? Am I the person I hoped to become 15 years ago? These thoughts fully spiraled into an identity crisis as I sat on my bedroom floor buried in piles of paper, overwhelmed and emotionally distraught. When I watch the Netflix show and see people go through similar struggles while sorting, I realize how universal this feeling is.

When you find things from your past, you’re forced to reckon with who you were, who you are now, and all the ways you’ve changed. Going through it was an important ritual for me in order to accept my current life and let go of the past. It was time to forward. What I discovered was this: I can get rid of things and still know who I am, and accept how I’ve changed from who I used to be. If you watch the show, you see that other people find self acceptance through this process. The work is brutal, but they come through this process better in the end: free of things that used to hold them back.

How I parted with sentimental items: the power of one

I used to keep brochures from a good play, invitations to friends’ weddings, academic journals from interesting college classes. Written documents represented my life and I honored those times through keepsakes that spark nostalgia, but not necessarily joy. Ultimately, it’s not sustainable to keep everything as a memento.

I took the time to glance at each document and process how it made me feel. I chose the one item that represented each time in my life, or each person I wanted to remember best. I only kept one example of an essay from each important class, one love letter from each relationship, one birthday card from a good friend. I took pictures of documents and journaled how it felt to read old letters. I extracted the memories from items, without having to keep them - and said goodbye.

In the end I consolidated 4 banker boxes of paper to just one box of items I cherish most. I’m thankful to have gone through this, because now when I look at that box, I no longer feel the overwhelm, guilt and avoidance I used to feel. Prized possession are inside. There is something cathartic and therapeutic about going through old stuff. Once you do it, you’ll get it out of your system and feel better - like a good cry.

Loving your space and mental clarity

We moved to our first home since my tidying days, which meant that I got to bring only things we love into our permanent space. We’ve curated our things and keep only our most valued and precious items that spark joy. My partner’s favorite photos from art school and only my presentable pottery pieces are displayed. We feel at peace when we spend time in our home together. We have our spaces for doing art, for relaxation, for working. My mind is less cluttered as a result of a cleaner house. We can concentrate, relax, and breathe in our space, and this has done wonders for our mental health and our relationship.

If you’re feeling the burden of too much stuff, Kondo’s book is a good place to start. It could plant the seed for a magical transformation in your life.  

And, if you feel like your emotional life is too cluttered, call our therapy office. Our therapists will be glad to help.

---

Karen Lenz is the Office Whiz Extraordinaire at People Bloom Counseling. She writes blog posts as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. She is thankful to get to share her experiences with you. Her Tuesday evening plans involve doing laundry, an activity she now enjoys because every shirt has its place, and every sock has its partner. She hopes you can find your joy in decluttering too.

Friend, this is how to Support me During a Break-up

Photo by Court Prather on Unsplash

Yes, it sucks and it hurts

First of all, if you’re going through a break-up, my heart aches with you. This absolutely sucks and it can feel like the pain never ends. If you haven’t already, I want you to watch this video. Psychologist Guy Winch talks about what it takes a to mend a broken heart:

I might add that while it’s important for your friends to show you compassion and patience, it’s even more important to be compassionate and patient towards yourself as you recover. The time it takes for you to heal might not be proportional to the length of the relationship. 

Close to home 

As a relative, a friend, a therapist, I’ve witnessed many heartbreaks. Take Tammy, for example, my playmate. We go way back. We have so many inside jokes and recall the silliest stories. We share embarrassing selfies and we’ve seen each other at our best and at our worst. And worse it was when she went through a tumultuous divorce a few years ago. Is her ex coming back? Is he gone for good? There was so much back and forth and “fun” is not the word I’d use to describe this rollercoaster ride.

The thing is, there’s never a good time to break up. Even if it’s for the better, it always sucks. Sometimes it’s easier for the relationship to keep dragging on than it is to be honest about parting ways. Regardless of how your relationship ended, when your friends don’t know what to say, they can say the most insensitive things. Have you ever stopped opening up to a friend because of something they’ve said? You probably didn’t bother correcting them because you’re just trying to stop hemorrhaging.

So what shouldn’t your friends do? Let’s see if this resonates with you. 

What not to do when helping me get through my break-up 

1.    Bad mouth my ex – When I call my ex every name in the book, you want to support me and jump on the bandwagon. I know you mean well because you don’t like seeing me this way. But when I hear those colorful words flying out of your mouth, I’m silently wishing that you’d tone it down. Not only am I managing my own emotional response; I’m also cued into yours. I don’t have the bandwidth for that.

2.    Argue with me when I defend my ex – So there’s a reason why we got together. However long or short it has been, there was something there. If they’re all that terrible, what does that say about me that I chose to be in a relationship with them? This back and forth is a part of the process. Please let me be.

3.    Remind me why we should’ve never gotten together in the first place – This stings. I might already realize this and have mustered up all the courage to break up with that person, let alone tell you. The last thing I’d need to hear is, “Remember when I told you...”

4.    Tell me I’ll find someone better – I’m not saying that’s not true, but not now. I’m still aching over this relationship and I’m not ready for another one. Please; I really can’t think about someone else right now.

5.    Hurry me along – I don’t know why but I feel like I’m never going to get over this person. Every playlist, place, car ride remind me of them. I don’t know how long this is going to take. The last thing I need is for you to get irritated at me because it has been five months and I’m still down and out. Please let me be me when I’m with you.

So, let’s take a break here. Rather than simply telling your friends what they shouldn’t do during your break up, what would you rather they do instead? Would the following help?

What to do when helping me get through my break-up

1.    Listen – I know I’m rambling. I just want to pour my heart out and get things off my chest. You don’t have to agree with me. You don’t even have to side with me. Just give me your best ear and don’t judge me.

2.    Offer a place to stay – Sometimes I just want to get out of my element and have a change of scenery. I wouldn’t mind crashing on your couch for a few nights. Just offer.

3.    Take a break from talking about my ex – That’s all I think about. Perhaps it seems like that’s all I want to talk about. But really, help set some limits around that. Let me go on for an hour and then let’s move onto something else. I need a break from this too.

4.    Keep inviting me out – I still want a life. Whether I’m in a relationship or not doesn’t change that. Yes, it might be hard to see people in pairs but I’m still human. Being in good company helps me heal.

5.    Give me space – I know I sound like I’m contradicting myself, but I’m really not. Sometimes, I don’t want to go out and I just need space to think and process what the hell just happened. If I’m not in the mood, you can probe a little but then check back later if I insist on being alone.

I’m sure this is not an exhaustive list but I really hope this can be a conversation starter. Share this post and add your own pointers. You’re uniquely you and your friends who have never seen you this way simply don’t know how best to support you.

For your recovery, for their understanding, for your friendship, given them somethin’. 

Finally, let us know if the counselors at People Bloom can support you in more ways than 10. We’re not your friends and we can’t thank you enough for them, but as therapists, we have other tools to help you get back on your feet. You know where to find us.

---

 Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice in WA. She helps unhappy couples and families living with cancer. Her clinician Bob Russell specializes in teens and young professionals. Whatever your challenges, let us know if we can help you!