No matter how long you’ve been with your partner new situations come up, and when they do you learn something about yourself, something about them. As mentioned, my partner and I recently bought a house and moved. It hasn’t always been easy, but it helps to be working together rather than against each other.

Having a new space comes with decisions about setting up your home. What kind of decor and furnishings do you want and where? What style are you going for? Do you want a security system and if so, which company do you go with? While this is still a work in progress for us, we’ve figured out a few tips along the way.

Decisions you make on your own

Do you ask your partner about most items you want to purchase or is it a surprise when the delivery comes? Do you set things up on your own or consult the other first? For us, it depends on whose “department” it is, how big the item is, and how much the item is. My partner likes to tinker with tech and he’s much better at understanding the mechanics of how something works. Thus, he can be in charge of replacing light switches and setting up the wifi and sound system. I need to know very little about what he’s doing in those departments, knowing that he reads reviews and chooses a middle-of-the-road product for us.

I’m much better at organizing and balancing function with aesthetics. My partner doesn’t care where I put most things, provided I can help locate them when needed. It makes sense I’d be on the one scouring OfferUp looking for used furniture with drawers to hide our shit.

There are some decisions you and your partner can each make on your own given your interests and skill sets.

Decisions you make together

I once had a friend who decided he and his partner wanted a baby grand piano and while she was out of town, he bought it as a “surprise” for her. Plopped in the middle of their family room, it took up more space than expected. Needless to say, it would’ve helped if they had made the purchase together.

When it’s an item for personal use that’s larger than a certain size, my partner and I talk about it. That includes a piano keyboard, an exercise ball, and an under desk treadmill. We also need to agree on bigger items that will be in the common area, be it a couch, a bookshelf, or our dining set. When it’s a more expensive purchase, that deserves discussion as well.

Lastly, where there’s an overlapping “department” issue, decisions should be made jointly. An example being my partner put up an alarm sensor, which was awkwardly placed in the corner of the room. The alarm system is his department, but things looking good is mine. We ended up taking the sensor off, chipping paint, and repositioning it. One of us was more upset about the chipped paint. We’ve since decided that if it’s something permanent that involves drilled holes or strong adhesive, I need to be roped in.

Knowing what’s important to the other matters, which brings me to my last point.

Being okay with differences

Because my partner and I are different, it helps to be accepting of the other as their own person with their abilities, liabilities and preferences. While my partner is spatially strong and able to visualize how something looks, I’m challenged in that area. This led to us having to move and re-move our couch and rug like six times for me to see how putting those pieces at an angle does not work. While my partner would jokingly say, “I told you so!”, I wasn’t able to visualize it until I actually experienced it.

Another example is how we have mismatched bar stools in our kitchen because he didn’t want to get rid of the old ones while I’ve gone on to prefer a different style. We plan to just leave it as it is; it is after all our home.

Going through major transitions together

Be it moving to a new state, a new home, or starting a new job, life is full of transitions. We have counselors here who are ready to help you tackle these changes with greater ease.

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. In the spring, she cares about weeding and making the garden look nice, while her partner is into setting up the sprinkler system. There’s probably more to lawn care than those things, but she has decided that’s a good start for newbies.

Leverage your strengths and different “departments”

While one of you might be better at organizing, you can’t do it all. If it’s an area of the house that one of you is more familiar with, then let that person do the packing and unpacking. My mom often says, “Oh, that’s your dad’s department…” and I borrow that phrase from time-to-time. I have no business in trying to decide which books my husband should keep or how to pack stuff for the RV, nor would it be helpful for my husband to determine where things should go in the kitchen as the sous chef.

It can still be a good idea to give recommendations like, “I think we should get a tub to organize our RV stuff in the garage,” or my husband picked out the spice drawer in our kitchen while I organized everything else. Other than that, it makes sense for one of you to lead a “department” you’re more well versed in and for the other to be okay with the decision made. You can still adjust and shift things when you’re settled in, but during crunch-time, focus on what you’re good at and the areas of the house you’re most familiar with and let your partner do the same.

Know that at least one of you is a pack rat

In the early days of the pandemic, I Marie Kondo’ed a lot of my wardrobe, paperwork and memorabilia. After all, there were clothes I kept that I haven’t worn in years, worksheets that I can easily find online and cards from second grade I’d never look at again. My husband didn’t share my enthusiasm for decluttering. He said the only thing he wanted to Marie Kondo was the Marie Kondo method itself!

And so, when it came time to pack, I had a much easier time. After a couple more years in the pandemic though, the things I found important to keep changed yet again. Now cards from twenty years ago also made it into the shred pile. My husband with his more varied interests and hobbies had more sorting to do. While I had, on occasion, made comments like, “Are you going to keep that?” I’ve tried very hard to focus on my pile and my “department”.

It’s a-okay to have a pack rat amongst you. That’s most couples I know. While I would’ve wanted my husband to throw or give away more from his collection, he did the best he could given the stress and that was all I could ask for.

Go at your own pace and work at different times

Packing and moving is stressful and couples don’t always have the same capacity at the same time. There were moments where I was knee deep in decluttering and my husband was on the couch on his phone. Contrary, when he was running up and down the stairs like a chicken with his head cut off, I was sitting on the steps on a call with a friend. We each worked to our capacity on that given day and had to take a break. While it’s easy to think that your partner shouldn’t need to take a break with his buddy when you haven’t even found the time to run to the bathroom, first of all, go use the bathroom. Second of all, if you’re both working hard towards a common goal - and some days you have more in you than other days and vice versa - then this is you, packing and moving together.

Tips for your Relationship while Setting Up your New Home