How to Renovate while Staying Sane and Without Killing your Partner

The pandemic has changed the way we view our homes. It’s a safe haven, a place where we live and work, and open up to host others. Many people engaged in DIY projects while spending an extended amount of time at home. Home Depot parking lots were full, even when other places were sparse. While it would be lovely if my partner and I were more handy, we once spent two and a half days and four trips to Home Depot just to change out an existing hood range. We also used three different drill bits and spent almost two hours putting up a pre-made blind. 

I’m not exaggerating. 

We have our strengths, but DIY projects that involve more than putting up a towel bar are not one of them. Thus, rather than spending many months half-assing DIY projects that we’d ultimately need to call contractors to come and fix, we knew we had to hire out. 

It can be really hard to write about a stressful experience when you’re still in the middle of it. That’s what happened when my partner and I spent eight weeks renovating this past fall, and I can only recount the experience a couple of months later. While we love our new home, and we packed, moved and set up without a hitch, the renovation was a different story. The stress level was a close second to other stressful events we’ve experienced apart or together.

We survived it without going bat-sh*t crazy or killing each other, but it was a long eight weeks, with many of the designs and decisions made prior to. Not-surprisingly, 12 percent of couples consider divorce while going through renovation. Part of this can be attributed to couples looking to a major life change to help save their already struggling relationship, but I can see why a home improvement project can put a strain on even a relatively good relationship.

With some lived experience under my belt, here are a few tips on how to renovate while staying sane, plus more tips for your relationship. 

Expect people to make mistakes

You don’t need to wait for the other shoe to drop, but expect that things won’t go as planned. The measurements were off, even though two contractors measured the space at two different times. Forty-six percent of the tiles arrived broken. The tiles installed in the inner kitchen corners were off-centered. Like, really off-centered. The contractor didn’t use the matching items we purchased and did their own thing. While some of these can be fixed, others are permanent. Initially frustrated, I’ve needed to learn the imperfection of it all as people tried their best to make our dreams come true.

This naturally leads me to the next point. 

Expect that you’ll also have regrets

Contractors are not the only ones who make mistakes; so can you. We thought we’d like ball catch closet doors, but now we understand why they were bifolds to begin with. I thought the tub would be too big but now it’s too small. I didn’t see how the countertop needed to be cut to accommodate not just the sink, but the matching cutting board. All this to say, we didn’t have experience to foresee these happenings but now we do. 

And that’s okay. 

Renovations always take longer

It helped that we were able to start on the demo a couple of weeks earlier than expected, but we couldn’t have accounted for the tub never arriving, the forgotten lazy Susan, or the shower door guys returning for the third time. We came right up against an out-of-town trip, so don’t do what we did! Give yourself at least a two week buffer. Try to not schedule any trips or guests immediately after the (new) planned end date. 

Enjoy your new space.

You will go over your budget

The costs of materials have gone up exponentially and contractual labor is in high demand. Renovations are just expensive. Despite your best intentions, you will go over your budget. In order to add a new sink, new pipes need to be rerouted. The kitchen will look more open if we also cut into this wall. Extra insulation was needed given what’s behind the wall. As our contractors billed by the hour, extra time and materials really added up. We made sure we saved a ballpark figure before we took the plunge, but even that was exceeded, thankfully not by too much. 

Couples often experience a renovation together, so the above tips will affect you both. But specific to your relationship, here are a few more tips:

Know your differences

It helps to know your differences going into a big renovation project. My partner cares that things function well; I care that things look good. He can imagine how something will look; I need a sketch or a picture to know what we’re dealing with. He wants to make sure there’s room to move around; I want spaces optimized. (Except for the shower niches, I wanted bigger ones or more than one, but that didn’t happen.) 

So, at the end of the day, when things don’t match or tiles don’t line up, but they’re still functional, guess who was more affected? 

It’s not a right or wrong, but it helps to know that we don’t experience the same situation the same way, nor do we have to. But we can still honor each other’s differences and how things show up for us differently. 

Let the other person lead in areas they care more about

When something bothers you, it means you care about that area more. Listen to that voice, give it air time, and ask to lead in that area. It helped that I narrowed down the design ideas and we made choices from within those limits. After all, I’m the person who cared that things looked pretty. My partner cared more about how things worked, so he took half a day to follow the electrician around so he can better understand how things were wired. That would’ve put me to sleep. 

I’m glad we complement each other in these ways. And even then, we were in constant communication. This brings me to my last point. 

Keep communicating, with contractors and with each other

For all the reasons mentioned, things will show up differently for you and your partner. I was more bothered by the aesthetics, so my poor partner heard about it more often than he’d like. And we had needed to learn that just because I’m airing my grievances to him, does not mean he needed to fix it. I only wanted him to hear me out, even if he didn’t agree. It was still up to me to communicate directly to the contractors what needs to be fixed, and to be present for the work. 

Some people really enjoy the renovation process. For us, we learned what not to do, some things about ourselves and each other, but mostly we are happy that it’s finally over. 

What about you?

Life transitions like a renovation can be very stressful. It can make the most adaptive person lose their sh*t. It can also put a strain on your relationship. We have therapists who can help you weather through these stressful situations. We want to help you grow through these life challenges, and for your relationship to come out stronger on the other side. 

Let us help! 

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. Of the few DIY projects she and her partner did together, she has learned that there’s nothing awe-inspiring about switching out can lights. It was best to keep her mouth closed.

What I Do When I Fall in and out of Running

Not feelin’ it

I don’t like running, and I have fallen in and out of like with running for at least a decade. I suppose it’s more accurate to say I’m in a “I dislike running” phase. I first started running to get my mind off a difficult time, and I kept running when I found that I liked the meditative factor of it. Left-right-left-right, breath iiin, left-right-left-right, breath ouuut. Turns out, there’s something to it.

When we’re down in the dumps, we often want to sit in our sorrow, maybe grab a pint of ice cream and binge out in front of a light television show, or perhaps yell at a classic rom-com, “IT’S JUST NOT REAL” when the guy gets the girl. 

Just me? Yeah, I didn’t think so. 

Our body needs bilateral movement

Anyway, that’s all fine and good (in small stride) and what our bodies might also need is a little movement, a little bilateral movement. Okay, it’s going to get a bit technical here. Whether it’s walking, biking, running, swimming, what’s being activated is both sides of our brain, it’s bilateral stimulation (popular in EMDR Therapy)–that is, our brain is using both left and right hemispheres while our body is moving and taking in its surroundings.

When our brain is used in this way, we’re moving out of a “fight, flight, freeze, fawn” way of thinking into a cognitive processing way—and that’s when we are more able to feel calm, to feel relaxed. Even if it’s just a little bit, for a little time, this movement can remind our brains, and thus, our bodies, that we are okay. It’s okay. I’m okay. Over time, this reminder (even if we fake it until we make it) can help pull us out of the dumps in which we sometimes find ourselves.

Running to release 

The more I ran, the more I let go of my troubling past experience, not letting it run my mind. It wasn’t a running away from as much as it was a running through. When allowing my body to move, in a way that is calming to me, I was allowing my mind to reassess my situation, bring my awareness to the present, and be.

I’ve noticed over time, when I’m not in a “I like running” season, I’m usually focusing my movement elsewhere– like hiking, rock climbing, or dancing– and I try to remember it’s okay if I don’t stick to one activity. I have a hunch, though, that I’ll be falling back into running come autumn, the season and the season for my running stride.

What about you?

Sometimes life doesn’t go as planned, and when it doesn’t, it’s easy to forget that we may already have the tool(s) that gets us through– whether we’re currently liking it or not. Next time you find yourself at the bottom of that cookies-and-cream pint, tell yourself “It’s okay,” and then reward yourself with a little bit o’ movement, too.

Need more? 

Whether you’re needing to resume something that you know would be good for you or you’re wanting to get started on something new, I’m here for you. I know what it’s like to not feel like doing something, and to find my way back to it (time after time).

I want to help you find your way, whatever that might look like. 

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Rachel Keo is our newest clinician at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice in WA. She helps young adults and working professionals with life transitions. As a former high school teacher and a Peace Corps Volunteer and Teacher in Albania, she also has a heart for working with school personnel. When she isn’t running, she’s playing with her cattle pup, Kenji, and trekking the mountains by foot or rope. She hopes to have an opportunity to go through your life journey with you!

Tips for your Relationship while Setting Up your New Home

No matter how long you’ve been with your partner new situations come up, and when they do you learn something about yourself, something about them. As mentioned, my partner and I recently bought a house and moved. It hasn’t always been easy, but it helps to be working together rather than against each other. 

Having a new space comes with decisions about setting up your home. What kind of decor and furnishings do you want and where? What style are you going for? Do you want a security system and if so, which company do you go with? While this is still a work in progress for us, we’ve figured out a few tips along the way. 

Decisions you make on your own 

Do you ask your partner about most items you want to purchase or is it a surprise when the delivery comes? Do you set things up on your own or consult the other first? For us, it depends on whose “department” it is, how big the item is, and how much the item is. My partner likes to tinker with tech and he’s much better at understanding the mechanics of how something works. Thus, he can be in charge of replacing light switches and setting up the wifi and sound system. I need to know very little about what he’s doing in those departments, knowing that he reads reviews and chooses a middle-of-the-road product for us. 

I’m much better at organizing and balancing function with aesthetics. My partner doesn’t care where I put most things, provided I can help locate them when needed. It makes sense I’d be on the one scouring OfferUp looking for used furniture with drawers to hide our shit.

There are some decisions you and your partner can each make on your own given your interests and skill sets.

Decisions you make together 

I once had a friend who decided he and his partner wanted a baby grand piano and while she was out of town, he bought it as a “surprise” for her. Plopped in the middle of their family room, it took up more space than expected. Needless to say, it would’ve helped if they had made the purchase together. 

When it’s an item for personal use that’s larger than a certain size, my partner and I talk about it. That includes a piano keyboard, an exercise ball, and an under desk treadmill. We also need to agree on bigger items that will be in the common area, be it a couch, a bookshelf, or our dining set. When it’s a more expensive purchase, that deserves discussion as well. 

Lastly, where there’s an overlapping “department” issue, decisions should be made jointly. An example being my partner put up an alarm sensor, which was awkwardly placed in the corner of the room. The alarm system is his department, but things looking good is mine. We ended up taking the sensor off, chipping paint, and repositioning it. One of us was more upset about the chipped paint. We’ve since decided that if it’s something permanent that involves drilled holes or strong adhesive, I need to be roped in. 

Knowing what’s important to the other matters, which brings me to my last point. 

Being okay with differences 

Because my partner and I are different, it helps to be accepting of the other as their own person with their abilities, liabilities and preferences. While my partner is spatially strong and able to visualize how something looks, I’m challenged in that area. This led to us having to move and re-move our couch and rug like six times for me to see how putting those pieces at an angle does not work. While my partner would jokingly say, “I told you so!”, I wasn’t able to visualize it until I actually experienced it. 

Another example is how we have mismatched bar stools in our kitchen because he didn’t want to get rid of the old ones while I’ve gone on to prefer a different style. We plan to just leave it as it is; it is after all our home. 

Going through major transitions together 

Be it moving to a new state, a new home, or starting a new job, life is full of transitions. We have counselors here who are ready to help you tackle these changes with greater ease. 

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. In the spring, she cares about weeding and making the garden look nice, while her partner is into setting up the sprinkler system. There’s probably more to lawn care than those things, but she has decided that’s a good start for newbies.

Tips for your Relationship while Packing and Moving

Photo by Brandable Box on Unsplash

Having recently moved, packing and unpacking have become top of mind. My partner has five times the number of books I do, and all the items in the kitchen are my doing. There was random shit in every section of the house; things we’d forgotten we had or quite frankly, don’t remember when and how we might have acquired them. After all the hustle and bustle, here are a few tips for how to stay partnered while packing and moving. 

Leverage your strengths and different “departments”

While one of you might be better at organizing, you can’t do it all. If it’s an area of the house that one of you is more familiar with, then let that person do the packing and unpacking. My mom often says, “Oh, that’s your dad’s department…” and I borrow that phrase from time-to-time. I have no business in trying to decide which books my husband should keep or how to pack stuff for the RV, nor would it be helpful for my husband to determine where things should go in the kitchen as the sous chef. 

It can still be a good idea to give recommendations like, “I think we should get a tub to organize our RV stuff in the garage,” or my husband picked out the spice drawer in our kitchen while I organized everything else. Other than that, it makes sense for one of you to lead a “department” you’re more well versed in and for the other to be okay with the decision made. You can still adjust and shift things when you’re settled in, but during crunch-time, focus on what you’re good at and the areas of the house you’re most familiar with and let your partner do the same. 

Know that at least one of you is a pack rat

In the early days of the pandemic, I Marie Kondo’ed a lot of my wardrobe, paperwork and memorabilia. After all, there were clothes I kept that I haven’t worn in years, worksheets that I can easily find online and cards from second grade I’d never look at again. My husband didn’t share my enthusiasm for decluttering. He said the only thing he wanted to Marie Kondo was the Marie Kondo method itself! 

And so, when it came time to pack, I had a much easier time. After a couple more years in the pandemic though, the things I found important to keep changed yet again. Now cards from twenty years ago also made it into the shred pile. My husband with his more varied interests and hobbies had more sorting to do. While I had, on occasion, made comments like, “Are you going to keep that?” I’ve tried very hard to focus on my pile and my “department”. 

It’s a-okay to have a pack rat amongst you. That’s most couples I know. While I would’ve wanted my husband to throw or give away more from his collection, he did the best he could given the stress and that was all I could ask for. 

Go at your own pace and work at different times

Packing and moving is stressful and couples don’t always have the same capacity at the same time. There were moments where I was knee deep in decluttering and my husband was on the couch on his phone. Contrary, when he was running up and down the stairs like a chicken with his head cut off, I was sitting on the steps on a call with a friend. We each worked to our capacity on that given day and had to take a break. While it’s easy to think that your partner shouldn’t need to take a break with his buddy when you haven’t even found the time to run to the bathroom, first of all, go use the bathroom. Second of all, if you’re both working hard towards a common goal - and some days you have more in you than other days and vice versa - then this is you, packing and moving together. 

What about you?

If you’re packing and moving or going through other life transitions, we get it! We have clinicians for whom this is a well-traveled path. We’d love to help you and/or your partner adjust to this next phase of life. 

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. She knew they weren’t planning to move when she found two Costco jugs of laundry detergent while packing. She took a picture to capture the moment. Sometimes it’s hard to take life too seriously. 

Tips for your Relationship while Buying a House Together

Photo by Tierra Mallorca on Unsplash

My husband and I recently bought a house! It hasn’t always been a smooth process and there was a lot of back and forth. But, now that this is almost behind us, I have a few thoughts about how the home buying process can be a relationship builder rather than a relationship breaker. 

Consider each other’s preferences 

I have yet to meet a couple where things mattered equally to them. One partner runs hot and wants to make sure the primary bedroom isn’t west facing. The other partner regulates temperature just fine and wouldn’t care either way. One partner likes a large primary bathroom; the other ample storage. For one, “I want an open floor plan!” and the other, “A sink in the laundry room!” As you consider your next home as a couple, take on each other’s preferences and advocate for them. “Look, you’d like this floorplan because the closet is separate from the primary bathroom!” “This can be your office on the main floor!”

I’d encourage you to be as excited about your partner’s preferences as your own. Put on their shoes and walk around in them. After all, there’s no better person to share space with than someone who considers and vouches for you, and you for them.  

Decide as individuals, separate from each other 

The home buying process is an emotional one. I recently witnessed a couple where one partner pushed to sell their home while the other dragged their feet. It created a lot of turmoil. Things were smoothed over when they found their next home, but had it not been for that, the rift between them would’ve continued. 

As you make a home purchase decision as a couple, talk through the process, but also take time separate from your partner to think about the purchase. It’s easy for one partner who feels more strongly about the house to lead the decision against the other’s wishes, which can lead to regret and resentment. How do you individually feel about the house? Are you, as an individual, ready to make this decision? Is now a good time for you?

If one partner in the relationship is putting on the brakes, do not proceed. There may be other decisions where you let each other lead depending on your skill sets. However, unless one partner is genuinely indifferent, or both partners are on board, keep looking.

I find it comical that my husband and I took turns being ready and not ready to put down an offer and did not proceed until we were both ready. While it can be hard to afford the luxury of waiting during a hot housing market, your future home is your sanctuary. It’s important to find something that’s fitting for both of you. 

Know your communication styles 

It’s common in a relationship to find one partner who is a verbal processor and the other who, for a lack of a better word, isn’t. While you’re playing the devil’s advocate, your partner hears that you don’t like the house and you all shouldn’t consider it. Or, when you’re just getting things off your chest, your partner is losing sleep planning and plotting to make these ideas a reality for you.

If this applies to your relationship, let your partner know that you’re just needing to talk this through. It doesn’t mean the house is off the table, or that they need to make something happen for you. Rather, when you feel seen and heard, that was the solution and you’re now ready to keep going. 

Remind each other to be realistic about your home purchase

Many people want to find the perfect home. Just as it’s hard to find a perfect anything, a perfect home doesn’t exist. Unless you build a house from the ground up, and even then things can go wrong, it’s best to be happy with a good enough house. If a house checks off 80% of what you and your partner are looking for, that’s a pretty darn good house! If you find your hearts keep coming back to this house as you tour other ones, it might be saying something to you... 

Our agent told us there are times when at least one partner in the relationship was so upset over something small, an example being the curtains were not staying, that they almost didn’t close on the house! The home buying experience is stressful enough; let’s work through these impasses so it can be a win-win situation for everyone. 

Stay tuned for other musings about how to stay partnered while renovating! As always, if you need help navigating your couple relationship through home buying, moving, parenting, or any other transition, we’re here for you. 

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. Through this home buying process, she has gotten to know her husband in a deeper way, and him her. She hopes you can find your way through various transitions with your partner too.

When Grief is Messy: 3 Lessons Learned (Plus a Bonus)

Photo by Danie Franco on Unsplash

When Grief is Messy

I work with cancer patients and go through the ups and downs of diagnosis and treatment with them. Having recently lost my father-in-law and previous to that, lost family members to unexpected causes, I understand that grief can be messy. 

Earlier this year, for reasons prior to my own recent loss, my relationship with grief started to shift. I miss people I’ve lost but I’m starting to accept that grief and loss are a natural part of life. While it matters how the person passed away and whether I had a chance to say goodbye, their physical absence is permanent and nothing I do can change that. I still feel saddened by their loss, but the grief feels calmer, more settled. Through my lived experiences and the witnessing of other people’s grief journey, I’ve come to three lessons learned. 

There’s no one way to grieve

When I listen to jazz, I’m reminded of dad. While washing his clothes, I teared up. We bought a used RV and he had previously questioned whether that was a good idea. I’d speak quietly to him, saying, “Dad, we’re going on an adventure”. I talk to other people about missing him. I want to be with others but I also want to be alone. 

My husband uses dad’s old keychain and will wear one of his Hawaiian shirts to our friend’s wedding tomorrow. He says he feels his feels but he doesn’t bring up dad. He has a quiet resonance to my sharing. There was a time when I wasn’t sure if he was distracting himself or avoiding his grief. I couldn’t tell, but I also need to trust his words for it. 

Grief doesn’t look any one way and it doesn’t need to. How we choose to honor the memory of those we’ve lost is very specific to us as individuals, so let’s not insist that we must cry at funerals or else it means that the person didn’t matter to us. Or, it’s a celebration of life, so no tears allowed; only happy memories. Or, how can you book a trip to Disneyland when it overlaps the deceased’s birthday, favorite holiday, or death anniversary? That’s so heartless!

How we grieve is how we grieve. How others grieve is how they grieve. Let’s not judge. 

When one grief leads to another 

The thing is, grief is messy; it’s not linear. I even intentionally mixed up the stages of grief in a previous post about cancer. Not only is grief all over the place, it also connects our hearts to other losses in ways we least expect it. 

While sad about dad, I was reminded of his sister whom we lost to cancer a few years back. Then I started missing her. As if it’s contagious, my mind shifted to an uncle on my MIL’s side of the family and we lost him almost eight years ago! My heart was whelmed over. WTF, I thought I’ve grieved the loss of these people! And I have, but that doesn’t prevent my heart and mind from making these connections. I was missing them all over again, and for a moment dipped into the pain of those losses.

It’s okay to cry again, to be surprised by your own emotions, and to replay the sound of that person’s voice in your head. Deaths are significant, no matter how long they’ve been. So take a moment and let your emotions run. The word “emotions” contains the word “motions.”

Your emotions need to move. Let them move from the inside out.

Grief happens when it happens and lasts as long as it lasts

As you can imagine, death doesn’t wait for you to be in between jobs, for your kid to be off to college, for there to be at least a five-year gap from when you last experienced a loss. Neither does grief. Grief happens when it happens. I was writing this blog and started to tear up. You can be reading a receipt and be reminded of your son’s hockey jersey number. We would need to stop watching most shows if we don’t want to be triggered by death and dying. It doesn’t take much for grief to surface and when it does, let it be. 

Grief also lasts as long as it lasts. When asked how long is my sister, my wife, my dad going to grieve, grief expert David Kessler answered, “How long is the person going to be dead? If the person is going to be dead, they’ll be grieving for a long time.” The first two years are merely the early stage of grief. Mature grief is when we live out the rest of our lives without that person. 

So, if those five days of bereavement leave didn’t do anything for you, that’s because it’s better than nothing and yet completely insufficient. Your friend got over their partner in a year and remarried and you’re still a puddle on the floor? Their grief is their business and your grief is yours. 

Let your own grief journey take you to your healing.

Bonus: Remember how you remember

If there’s no one way to grieve, there’s no one way to remember. However you choose to remember your loved one is right. And when you want to switch up your ritual, it’ll be right then too. Going fishing is a great way to grieve, as is riding on Space Mountain or eating curry fish. You don’t have to wear sackcloth and ashes to be considered legitimately grieving, though no offense if that is you. Only you would know if you’re grieving, so do you.

An invitation to grieve

My hope for you is that you may stay present with your grief and take some time with it. If you need help through the grieving process, you know where to find us. 

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. She remembers her friend Molly when she sees creepy art and eats Heirloom oranges. She celebrates her aunt when she eats dim sum. May you find your ways too.

Three Tips on How to be a Good Friend During a Medical Emergency

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Having been through a family medical emergency recently, how to best support the immediate family is top of mind. Friends and the larger community come with the best intentions, but sometimes, things get missed. Here are a few tips on how to be a good friend during these critical times. 

1. Drop off food in disposable tupperware - During a medical emergency, the last thing the family needs to worry about are dishes. If you want to drop off food, and there’s no obligation to, use unquestionably disposable tupperwares that do not need to be returned. If the family doesn’t answer the door, leave food on the porch and text. If they do answer the door, keep the conversation short. They might not have the emotional capacity to engage right now. 

2. Expect no responses - Everyone is different and we all respond to situations in our own way. When you reach out to your friend to show care and support, expect no responses. If they engage, great! If they don’t, let them be. They’re not trying to be offensive; they’re simply preserving their emotional and physical energy to cope with their loss. 

3. Respect your friend’s wishes - If you hear through the grapevine that your friend doesn’t want to be contacted for the time being, you’re no exception. Just because you’ve known them for a long time or you’ve been through similar situations doesn’t make you the person they want to talk to right now. Chances are, if and when they want to talk, you might very well be on speed dial. Until then, respect their wishes for limited contact. 

Similarly, if they requested vegetarian dishes and you make a great meat lasagna that they used to love, listen to what they’re wanting right now. A meal for two with no leftovers is not a code word for something else. 

It is hard to not be able to give the help and support you want to give when your friend is suffering. This is the time for your friend; not for you. When the tables are turned, I hope they’d show up for you too, in ways you find most supportive to you. 

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. She’s grateful for the power of friendships and how they can ease emotional burden during human suffering. Thanks for being that friend. 

How to be an Emotional Support Human during a Medical Emergency

I’m writing this from out of town following a family medical emergency. The days are long and the waiting is hard. Little comments bring tears to our eyes, after which we move onto what needs to be done by whom when. Someone once said, “There is as much life in a moment of pain as there is in a moment of joy”.* We’re trying to take in all the moments.

As a trained therapist, my family is obviously not my clients. However, when one of us is upset, I naturally step in to give permission to feel our feelings, to provide empathy and validation, to give a hug and to remind everyone what the medical team has said. I think about pets and how they can be emotionally supportive and soothing during upsetting times. What can we learn from animals on how to be emotionally supportive during a medical emergency? 

Three tips to be an emotionally supportive human

When you don’t know what to say, say nothing

Animals don’t talk; they stay close and make themselves available. They sense that you’re in distress and they come near. People have the best intentions and they want to be supportive, but when they don’t know what to say, they can say the weirdest sh*t. “Oh, they’ve lived a long life,” or “At least you get to marry somebody else,” or “A similar thing happened to my sister…” and then they go on to tell their story.

Just. Stop. Talking. 

And never begin sentences with, “At least…” These words convey the opposite of empathy. For example, “At least they’re in a better place” is to say it’s a good thing that the person is no longer with us. When someone is grieving a loss and missing the person, that might not be comforting. 

Similarly, when you begin sentences with the words, “I’m glad…”, for the grieving, there might be nothing glad about the situation, not in that moment of pain. So, before you say something, ask yourself if it’s to make you feel better or do you really have the other person in mind? If it’s for you, keep it to yourself.

Keep your judgement to yourself

Animals don’t judge; their presence is unconditional. You can have bad breath, the worst hair day, be in a bad mood, feel horrible about yourself… It doesn't matter. When you want to climb into a hole, your emotional support animal climbs in there with you. 

People have judgments about what should’ve happened to prevent this or that or how something should be handled now that we’re where we are. People have opinions and some people have more than one, which inadvertently places judgment on an already very sad and heavy situation. 

Before you share your opinion, ask yourself, “Am I just saying this to be heard or is this solely to benefit the other person?” If it’s the latter, ask for permission to share. “I have a thought about this. Would you want to hear it?” It’s an overwhelming time for families going through a medical emergency. Even if you’re trying to be helpful with your comments, now might not be the time. Be respectful of how much information can be absorbed. Even good and helpful things can be left unsaid. 

Take care of basic needs

Under stress, there’s a tendency to throw basic self-care out the window. I’m talking about drinking water, going to the bathroom, keeping good posture, regulating your body temperature, etc. As an emotional support human, remind people to do these basic things. “It’s time to take a break from visiting and go for a walk” or “Let’s eat something now”. Be respectful and gentle with these prompts and never demanding. If it can be helpful, let them know the person they’re visiting would want that for them too. 

Taking care of basic needs would include your needs too. Imagine an emotional support animal that is sleep deprived, hungry, dirty and holding in their pee. They can get agitated, be smelly or accidentally wet the couch. Take breaks, keep up with your personal hygiene and get some air. You can only be emotionally supportive if you stay healthy and well. 

Take good care. 

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. After this blog, she’ll do some light stretching on Peloton and go for a long walk. Just taking it a moment at a time. 

Letting Go When a Friendship Ends

Photo by Clarisse Meyer on Unsplash

There’s so much advice and guidance out there on how to heal from break ups. If you just broke up with your honey, Cosmo gives you full permission to have a good cry, bust out bonbons, put on a Rom Com and stay in bed all week. But there’s very little in the self-help world about what to do when platonic friends go separate ways.

We’ve all been there - and it feels weird and confusing.

Why we hang on

Sometimes we hang on to friendships because we don’t know any better. We do it because the friendship is comfortable and it’s scary to walk away.Other times we hang on to friends because of fear that we’ll hurt their feelings if we leave their side. Still other times, we cling because it’s what we know, and it's hard to imagine our life without the person we were once close to.

Why we break up 

Even if you had amazing times with a friend in the past, it doesn’t mean that connection was meant to last forever. As we get older, we often change so much that we’re no longer compatible with old friends. Or maybe you’ve stayed the same, but your friend’s interests and values have shifted, or vice versa.  Sometimes our life circumstances change. There are countless reasons for going separate ways, and all are valid.

Not all friendships are meant to persist. With age we learn to distinguish between friendships that we should fight to keep, and those we should release. If you tune into what fills your cup, you know deep down what’s best for you.

Whether you have a conversation about breaking up or the friendship dissipates on its own, it can be uncomfortable. Telling someone you can’t be their friend feels harsh, even if your words are true. Ghosting feels flakey and lacks heart.

However you go about ending a friendship, it’s ok to free yourself of the guilt you feel. Keeping a friendship that no longer works for you can feel disingenuous. It is likely taking up spoons that you can use elsewhere. When you let go of a friendship, you’re setting boundaries and doing what’s best for you.

When a friend lets us go

Sometimes we’re the ones hanging on to the past. In this case, you and your bygone friend aren’t on the same page - you want to fight for a friendship, but you see signs that your friend doesn’t reciprocate this feeling. If you were once close, this can feel as painful as a romantic break-up, and no one ever prepared us for this scenario.  

The comfort I want to offer is this: know that parting ways with friends we once loved is common and normal. Friendship goes through seasons and sometimes, these relationships wither and don’t make it to that next season. Mourn the friendship by remembering the good things, and then honor your friend’s choice to let you go. 

And it’s also ok if it takes time to accept. When you have to say goodbye to friendships that mattered at one point, it makes sense that it would hurt. There’s no manual for how to do it right, or how to heal So, take your time getting over this breakup like you would a relationship breakup. Significant friendships were once intimate after all.

Finding your own closure

Because the end of a friendship is usually muddled in a grey area and doesn’t always get the closure that some romantic partnerships do, you may have to say your goodbyes on your own.  You can do this in a journal, in your thoughts and prayers, or in conversations with people you trust. Honor these past friends by acknowledging the good things they brought to your life in the season you had together. There was a time when it served you both well. It wasn’t all for nothing but it’s also time to move on.

Friendship breakups can be disorienting - but they are part of being social creatures, and I’m certain they’re the topic of many therapy sessions. If you need extra support, our therapists can guide you through this change in season, and help you see that your life can be whole, even as friends come and go

Let us know if we can help!

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Karen Lenz is the Office Whiz and Insurance Guru at People Bloom Counseling. She writes blog posts as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. She has noticed that old friends from past lives coming out of the woodwork during the pandemic and decided to share some reflections on those that have gone their own way.

How to Face your Fears. It’s Not what you Think.

Society’s image of brave 

Popular blogs write about “overcoming or conquering your fears” as if you’ll be confidently standing on the opposite side of fear. Movies stream what used to be struggling characters rising to the occasion in triumph and casting their fears aside. But, what if in your everyday life, as you face the stress of leaving the house, of meeting up with a date, of asking for that promotion, you don’t feel or look that courageous? Does that mean you’re doing it wrong? 

As you take steps outside of your comfort zone, what if you’re sweating in your pits, trembling in your legs and ready to make a run for the bathroom, does that make you a coward? Or is that you being brave, even though you don’t look so put together?

I’ll come back to this in a moment.

Here’s my spider story 

I don’t like spiders. Never have. They look freaky with all those legs. I scream every time I see one. I sometimes ask my husband to pick them up and put them in his garbage can. Other times, I just need to face them alone. I love LOTR but I dread the spider scene. Peter Jackson, I guess that’s one way to face your fear of spiders.

Anyhow, after all these years of needing to face spiders, I still haven’t overcome my fear of them, per society’s definition. I still scream bloody murder at the first sight of them, my heart races and if my husband is near, he’s it! But, if I need to face the creepy creature alone, I wet a square of paper towel (sorry trees!), fold it in half and I go into battle! Not as a triumphant warrior signaling a confident posture, mighty paper towel in hand. Rather, as a whimpering child, screaming the whole time as I charge towards the eight-legged speck. 

Am I less afraid over time? No. Do I kill spiders, even though it causes a scene? Yes. Have I broken anything during these battles or allowed spiders to get in the way of my everyday life? No. Will I now voluntarily hold a tarantula at The Reptile Zoo? Hm, heck no!

The face of courage

What if courage isn’t so brave looking, but is full of screams, whether audible or something we keep to ourselves? What if sweating profusely while doing the hard thing is the face of courage? What if the problem is not in the discomfort of feeling afraid but in the fear that’s keeping us from doing what we want in life? 

What if we don’t have to feel so confident as we face situations that are daunting, but rather, we  forge ahead, even when we want to pee our pants? Confidence may be a side benefit of acting courageously, but it’s not a prerequisite to being brave. What’s more important is that you go after that spider or go on that date or ask for that promotion. Yes, you possibly risk the spider escaping (it has happened before!) or face rejection, but, what’s worse: attempting and not getting the outcome you want or never having attempted at all? 

We’re here to help

If you need help acting brave even though you don’t feel or look so brave, we’re here for you. We’re a group of therapists who don’t always feel or look brave but still get up every morning to do what matters to us, which includes meeting with brave souls like you. 

Just saying you need a bit of help along the way is an act of courage.

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. If she ever needs to hold a tarantula, she’ll probably be in tears, drop the poor thing and make a run for the door. She has a lot of appreciation for bug petting zookeepers.