My husband and I recently bought a house! It hasn’t always been a smooth process and there was a lot of back and forth. But, now that this is almost behind us, I have a few thoughts about how the home buying process can be a relationship builder rather than a relationship breaker.

Consider each other’s preferences

I have yet to meet a couple where things mattered equally to them. One partner runs hot and wants to make sure the primary bedroom isn’t west facing. The other partner regulates temperature just fine and wouldn’t care either way. One partner likes a large primary bathroom; the other ample storage. For one, “I want an open floor plan!” and the other, “A sink in the laundry room!” As you consider your next home as a couple, take on each other’s preferences and advocate for them. “Look, you’d like this floorplan because the closet is separate from the primary bathroom!” “This can be your office on the main floor!”

I’d encourage you to be as excited about your partner’s preferences as your own. Put on their shoes and walk around in them. After all, there’s no better person to share space with than someone who considers and vouches for you, and you for them.

Decide as individuals, separate from each other

The home buying process is an emotional one. I recently witnessed a couple where one partner pushed to sell their home while the other dragged their feet. It created a lot of turmoil. Things were smoothed over when they found their next home, but had it not been for that, the rift between them would’ve continued.

As you make a home purchase decision as a couple, talk through the process, but also take time separate from your partner to think about the purchase. It’s easy for one partner who feels more strongly about the house to lead the decision against the other’s wishes, which can lead to regret and resentment. How do you individually feel about the house? Are you, as an individual, ready to make this decision? Is now a good time for you?

If one partner in the relationship is putting on the brakes, do not proceed. There may be other decisions where you let each other lead depending on your skill sets. However, unless one partner is genuinely indifferent, or both partners are on board, keep looking.

I find it comical that my husband and I took turns being ready and not ready to put down an offer and did not proceed until we were both ready. While it can be hard to afford the luxury of waiting during a hot housing market, your future home is your sanctuary. It’s important to find something that’s fitting for both of you.

Know your communication styles

It’s common in a relationship to find one partner who is a verbal processor and the other who, for a lack of a better word, isn’t. While you’re playing the devil’s advocate, your partner hears that you don’t like the house and you all shouldn’t consider it. Or, when you’re just getting things off your chest, your partner is losing sleep planning and plotting to make these ideas a reality for you.

If this applies to your relationship, let your partner know that you’re just needing to talk this through. It doesn’t mean the house is off the table, or that they need to make something happen for you. Rather, when you feel seen and heard, that was the solution and you’re now ready to keep going.

Remind each other to be realistic about your home purchase

Many people want to find the perfect home. Just as it’s hard to find a perfect anything, a perfect home doesn’t exist. Unless you build a house from the ground up, and even then things can go wrong, it’s best to be happy with a good enough house. If a house checks off 80% of what you and your partner are looking for, that’s a pretty darn good house! If you find your hearts keep coming back to this house as you tour other ones, it might be saying something to you...

Our agent told us there are times when at least one partner in the relationship was so upset over something small, an example being the curtains were not staying, that they almost didn’t close on the house! The home buying experience is stressful enough; let’s work through these impasses so it can be a win-win situation for everyone.

Stay tuned for other musings about how to stay partnered while renovating! As always, if you need help navigating your couple relationship through home buying, moving, parenting, or any other transition, we’re here for you.

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. Through this home buying process, she has gotten to know her husband in a deeper way, and him her. She hopes you can find your way through various transitions with your partner too.