The pandemic has changed the way we view our homes. It’s a safe haven, a place where we live and work, and open up to host others. Many people engaged in DIY projects while spending an extended amount of time at home. Home Depot parking lots were full, even when other places were sparse. While it would be lovely if my partner and I were more handy, we once spent two and a half days and four trips to Home Depot just to change out an existing hood range. We also used three different drill bits and spent almost two hours putting up a pre-made blind.
I’m not exaggerating.
We have our strengths, but DIY projects that involve more than putting up a towel bar are not one of them. Thus, rather than spending many months half-assing DIY projects that we’d ultimately need to call contractors to come and fix, we knew we had to hire out.
It can be really hard to write about a stressful experience when you’re still in the middle of it. That’s what happened when my partner and I spent eight weeks renovating this past fall, and I can only recount the experience a couple of months later. While we love our new home, and we packed, moved and set up without a hitch, the renovation was a different story. The stress level was a close second to other stressful events we’ve experienced apart or together.
We survived it without going bat-sh*t crazy or killing each other, but it was a long eight weeks, with many of the designs and decisions made prior to. Not-surprisingly, 12 percent of couples consider divorce while going through renovation. Part of this can be attributed to couples looking to a major life change to help save their already struggling relationship, but I can see why a home improvement project can put a strain on even a relatively good relationship.
With some lived experience under my belt, here are a few tips on how to renovate while staying sane, plus more tips for your relationship.
Expect people to make mistakes
You don’t need to wait for the other shoe to drop, but expect that things won’t go as planned. The measurements were off, even though two contractors measured the space at two different times. Forty-six percent of the tiles arrived broken. The tiles installed in the inner kitchen corners were off-centered. Like, really off-centered. The contractor didn’t use the matching items we purchased and did their own thing. While some of these can be fixed, others are permanent. Initially frustrated, I’ve needed to learn the imperfection of it all as people tried their best to make our dreams come true.
This naturally leads me to the next point.
Expect that you’ll also have regrets
Contractors are not the only ones who make mistakes; so can you. We thought we’d like ball catch closet doors, but now we understand why they were bifolds to begin with. I thought the tub would be too big but now it’s too small. I didn’t see how the countertop needed to be cut to accommodate not just the sink, but the matching cutting board. All this to say, we didn’t have experience to foresee these happenings but now we do.
And that’s okay.
Renovations always take longer
It helped that we were able to start on the demo a couple of weeks earlier than expected, but we couldn’t have accounted for the tub never arriving, the forgotten lazy Susan, or the shower door guys returning for the third time. We came right up against an out-of-town trip, so don’t do what we did! Give yourself at least a two week buffer. Try to not schedule any trips or guests immediately after the (new) planned end date.
Enjoy your new space.
You will go over your budget
The costs of materials have gone up exponentially and contractual labor is in high demand. Renovations are just expensive. Despite your best intentions, you will go over your budget. In order to add a new sink, new pipes need to be rerouted. The kitchen will look more open if we also cut into this wall. Extra insulation was needed given what’s behind the wall. As our contractors billed by the hour, extra time and materials really added up. We made sure we saved a ballpark figure before we took the plunge, but even that was exceeded, thankfully not by too much.
Couples often experience a renovation together, so the above tips will affect you both. But specific to your relationship, here are a few more tips:
Know your differences
It helps to know your differences going into a big renovation project. My partner cares that things function well; I care that things look good. He can imagine how something will look; I need a sketch or a picture to know what we’re dealing with. He wants to make sure there’s room to move around; I want spaces optimized. (Except for the shower niches, I wanted bigger ones or more than one, but that didn’t happen.)
So, at the end of the day, when things don’t match or tiles don’t line up, but they’re still functional, guess who was more affected?
It’s not a right or wrong, but it helps to know that we don’t experience the same situation the same way, nor do we have to. But we can still honor each other’s differences and how things show up for us differently.
Let the other person lead in areas they care more about
When something bothers you, it means you care about that area more. Listen to that voice, give it air time, and ask to lead in that area. It helped that I narrowed down the design ideas and we made choices from within those limits. After all, I’m the person who cared that things looked pretty. My partner cared more about how things worked, so he took half a day to follow the electrician around so he can better understand how things were wired. That would’ve put me to sleep.
I’m glad we complement each other in these ways. And even then, we were in constant communication. This brings me to my last point.
Keep communicating, with contractors and with each other
For all the reasons mentioned, things will show up differently for you and your partner. I was more bothered by the aesthetics, so my poor partner heard about it more often than he’d like. And we had needed to learn that just because I’m airing my grievances to him, does not mean he needed to fix it. I only wanted him to hear me out, even if he didn’t agree. It was still up to me to communicate directly to the contractors what needs to be fixed, and to be present for the work.
Some people really enjoy the renovation process. For us, we learned what not to do, some things about ourselves and each other, but mostly we are happy that it’s finally over.
What about you?
Life transitions like a renovation can be very stressful. It can make the most adaptive person lose their sh*t. It can also put a strain on your relationship. We have therapists who can help you weather through these stressful situations. We want to help you grow through these life challenges, and for your relationship to come out stronger on the other side.
Let us help!
Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. Of the few DIY projects she and her partner did together, she has learned that there’s nothing awe-inspiring about switching out can lights. It was best to keep her mouth closed.
