Photo by Naveen Kumar on Unsplash
We’re still here, together
Now 11 months into the pandemic, couples who have been stuck at home the whole time with or without kids are getting to know their partners really well. Maybe a little too well. If there were no major secrets kept and both parties were doing relatively well pre-COVID, being stuck at home with increased chores, limited social activities and restricted coping mechanisms has likely created relationship stress that wouldn’t be there otherwise.
You couldn’t have known how your partner would respond when they develop cabin fever, when they don’t have the usual sports or social events to break up the weeks and months. Instead of the occasional work trip to make your hearts go yonder, it might be a case of, “You again?!” when you see each other in the kitchen. You might be running out of things to say to each other because not a whole lot is happening.
If this is a challenging time for you, you’re not alone. When you said, “til death do us apart,” you didn’t sign up for, “a pandemic to keep us together. All. The. Time.” When you get so little time apart, it can create a whole new set of problems.
The following are three common issues that come up amongst couples stuck at home, along with possible solutions.
Disproportionate distribution of chores
Problem -
It is no surprise that more women are forced out of the workplace due to COVID. And even if both partners are working from home, the lion’s share of chores often on women to do or manage. There are absolutely exceptions to this phenomenon and I know of very involved husbands and dads, but regardless of who ends up staying home, the pandemic can quadruple the work for one partner!
You can no longer rely on meals at the cafeteria, instruction at school, the cleaning service or respite care with in-laws caring for the children. Meal planning, cooking, cleaning up, tidying up frequented spaces, supporting online school, finding ways to entertain the kids, helping the children cope with the ups and downs of pandemic life… the list goes on.
Solution -
Reevaluate how chores were allocated. It’s possible that the way things were before no longer work - or really have never worked. It can take a pandemic to overhaul the system and start from scratch.
With everyone home, let’s map out the logistics: who has more flexibility in their schedule to get a child started on Zoom? Who can stay with them for special instructions? How often will dishes be loaded and unloaded now that there are twice as many meals to serve? How often will Amazon boxes be broken down before they become a fire hazard? Who leads the toilet scrubbing department? Figure out who can do what. If it helps to make a chore chart/wheel/spreadsheet, go for it, whatever it takes to create a plan to get everyone involved.
All chores are back on the table and up for delegation. As with any new systems, it’d be important to come back to the drawing board and see how things are going after 1-2 weeks. Nothing is written in stone and the need to switch things up only means you’re adaptable to the changing times.
Difficulty communicating needs
Problem -
Pre-pandemic, if you had an office to go to, you had a commute to help you decompress from work. After work, you could go to your meditation class, grab a craft beer with your friends or look forward to your weekly b-ball practice. Such that if something bothered you earlier in the day, the passing of time and the ability to shift focus to another activity meant you were already in a different head space by the time you came home to your partner.
Before the pandemic, when you got home you may have talked with your partner about what bothered you, but the intensity of that incident had already worn off. You could rely on your own toolbox to cope and didn’t need to ask for what you might need from your partner, from the relationship.
With COVID, you need to use more of your words because there’s a limit to what you can do to cope. Your commute is 20 steps away and you may even bump into your partner in the hall with the issue still burning in your mind.
Solution -
Over-communicate what might be going on. Workplaces are needing to over-communicate to their employees given remote work and ever changing policies. Why would a couple trying to figure out life together during a global pandemic be any different? If something bothers you and you can use some help, even just a little, err on the side of speaking to it, rather than letting things fester. “I need some space from Johnny. Can you watch him for 45 minutes while I read a book in the bedroom?” Or, “I’m tired of figuring out what to cook and I need help deciding. Do you want curry tofu or lasagna?”
If you have not been good about asking for what you might need, now is the time to flex that muscle. You can lean into your relationship to cope with these challenging times, especially when your individual coping toolbox is limited.
That brings me to my last point.
Fewer coping strategies
Problem -
You were likely resourceful before the quarantine in knowing what you need to do and when to do it to help you cope with life. You had regular activities to look forward to, as a couple or by yourself. You could gather in groups. You had music festivals, concerts, events, celebrations, travels to mark the passing of time. With COVID, you signed up for an online yoga subscription. Your workout moved to YouTube. You’re Zooming your book club. You’re watching a concert on Netflix rather than being at one.
Things are just not the same. A coping skill that sounds good one day feels like crap the next. Now your partner sees how crabby you can be when you don’t have those outlets, and vice versa.
Solution -
Develop new coping skills. Choose activities that feel novel to you. Look into old hobbies. Do something that helps you feel empowered, rather than despair. Start and finish a project with your partner, even if the “project” is as simple as loading up the dishwasher. Develop new rituals together. Have time alone and apart. Especially in situations where one partner copes by spending time together and the other copes by having time alone, see how you can be together in your apartness. One couple I know will have their feet touch while sitting on opposite sides of the couch, one watching TV with their headphones and the other with their book.
The things that couples come up with never cease to amaze me.
Riding through this, together
Until more is known about COVID transmission while vaccinated, most of this year will still involve staying put, social distancing and mask wearing. You’ll likely still be working from home, limiting travels and group activities. Your partner is pretty much it. It’s possible to have an even better relationship through COVID than the one you had before.
If you need help bettering your relationship, our couples counselors are here for you.
Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. With COVID, her husband has developed this new ritual of waking up at the same time she does and getting her tumbler and hot water ready for her ginormous cup of coffee. She hopes that ritual remains well into their transition back into post-pandemic life.