What to Expect when you See People Again

Photo by Kelsey Chance on Unsplash

Whether you’ve hunkered down and avoided gatherings all year, or you’ve seen some people in person, we’ve all been affected by the pandemic. While I hope you didn’t lose a loved one, you probably lost your routine and sense of normalcy. Businesses closed, restrictions were imposed, workplaces shifted their policies. We can’t deny it had an impact on our lives and livelihoods. Our collective psyche has been especially affected by social distancing restrictions, and it’s possible that many of us have forgotten how to “people.”

If you’ve  been anxious about having to socialize again, you're not alone. The term that’s going around is “FOGO,” or fear of going out. Being this out of practice at socializing can make even the biggest extrovert feel a bit self-conscious. If you were already prone to social anxiety pre-pandemic, those fears will likely be heightened as you see people again.

Who would have thought two years ago that something as simple as...being out in public could become so anxiety inducing, even for people without agoraphobia? 

If you’re bracing yourself to face the world again...here’s what you should know:

You’re going to act weird (and that’s ok)

All of my friends and family are now doubly vaccinated, so I feel more comfortable gathering indoors, sans mask, for the first time in more than a year. A small group of gals decided we’re all ready to get together at Laura’s house for brunch/clothing exchange, something we used to do regularly BC (Before Covid). 

As I pulled up to Laura’s house, excitement flooded over me. It’s really happening! I felt like a teenager who was finally allowed to go out with friends past 8 pm!

It was great to see everyone! But there were moments when I didn’t know what to do with my hands when I talked, when I excitedly over-shared every detail of my life, and yet simultaneously had no idea what to say. I was over-eager and probably overwhelming everyone around me. And yes, this is part of my personality normally too, but the awkwardness just got exaggerated tenfold!

The good news is that it seemed like I wasn’t alone. The other girls also had moments when they seemed a bit off - like gawky teen versions of themselves. It was endearing and sweet, and I felt less alone. It will take some getting used to, but you’ll catch up to your level of comfort with people again. 

You’ll appreciate your friends on a whole new level

All your gatherings for the next few months will probably feel like joyous reunions. When we gathered at Laura’s, I just wanted to hug everyone! I’m normally not that social of a person. But hanging out with friends indoors after 1.5 years of isolation, it was like I just got out of the brig! I told every one of them what I appreciated about them. I told them how great they are, how nice it was to see them. It’s not often I let myself be vulnerable enough to show sincere, earnest love and affection, so this was a new side of myself. And I’m not mad about it!

If appreciating your friends more and showing it is a result of this pandemic, then one small thing came of it that isn’t bad news. Acknowledging your people makes them feel good - so go ahead and share how you feel. What’s there to lose at this point when we’ve already lost so much? Let this be one of the small gains from this falafel of a year! 

You might even appreciate people you don’t like

My uncle came through town on his annual drive West a few weeks ago. Uncle Gary is a classic cowboy bachelor. He and I disagree on pretty much everything under the sun. But at the same time, he’s the friendliest man you’ll ever meet. It’s very strange to hold these two truths at once.

Gary just so happened to have a friend who had a life threatening case of COVID, so Gary surprisingly opted to get vaccinated. We all gathered at my parents’ house for supper. Normally I’d have some reservations about seeing him - constantly anticipating the next racist thing he says - how will I handle it? Will my family’s heads explode at the wild conspiracy theories he spouts?

But as it turned out, it was so nice to see him and catch up with a relative from my childhood, that I enjoyed spending time with him. That’s how deprived I’ve been of socializing! We all shared a meal and caught up (soo much to catch up on). Enjoying the company didn’t excuse the racist comments, and I tried to listen without judgement and then calmly voice my disagreement. You could almost call it a discussion. It was an exercise in speaking out, holding boundaries, but also appreciating the presence of this fellow human and family member. Isn’t this type of social engagement the goal between people who differ?

I attribute my willingness to enjoy this quality time to the pandemic. After so long being forced to be apart, it  was comforting, sweet and generally a positive experience to sit around playing cards with family like old times. Nothing like a pandemic to make you embrace the other side.

You may be surprised at how you feel around the company of others who differ from you these days. We are so divided lately; sharing a meal, truly “breaking bread,” and opening up a conversation can do wonders to bring people together. 

Get ready for a flood of conflicting emotions

While you will be relieved to see everyone in such a carefree way, worry will still seep in occasionally. The worry has been ingrained in us for more than a year. News outlets, government entities, scientists, researchers, and social media have all instilled fear of getting close to others. There’s no way this wouldn’t impact our psyche around other humans. It’s ok if you’re still concerned. There’s so much we don’t know yet.

We are social creatures, so it goes against our nature for humans to be apart. But we live in a culture that values individuality and independence, and we were already isolated enough BC. This pandemic was a nightmare for mental health - but we are slowly seeing the other end.

Coming together again will bring up a mix of relief, anxiety, exhilaration, concern, comfort, joy and maybe anger as you remember how hard people can be to deal with. All of these feelings will be normal in the coming months. Coming back to a sense of normalcy will take a while. But we’re all feeling the weird feelings together.

Talk to someone about how weird it feels

Ready or not, we’ll need to come out of our houses someday and engage with the world, like bears out of hibernation. Most of the people in your life will understand and relate if you express how weird it feels - we all have that in common now. But if the thought of going “back” feels intimidating or nerve wracking, talk to one of our therapists. They’re trained in just this thing. And if you’re not quite comfortable with seeing them in person, our practice  is still sticking to telehealth counseling for the time being.

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Karen Lenz is the Office Whiz and Insurance Guru at People Bloom Counseling. She writes blog posts as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. While she enjoys seeing people, she secretly kind of likes the lockdown because it gives her more time for cooking, yoga, gardening, and the perpetual summer project that is fixing up the camper.

Why People Seek Counseling in Two Simple Words

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The struggle is real

It goes without saying that the need for mental health counseling has increased exponentially given the pandemic. Racial trauma, political stress and gun violence have also added to the hurt, grief, trauma, anger and fear. These stressors exacerbated the problems that were already there. As I reflect on the reasons why people are seeking counseling now more than ever before, it comes down to two words: 

Being Human.

Our needs are real

If Abraham Maslow were still alive, he would’ve seen how the many stressors in recent history challenged multiple needs in his hierarchy, also known as the Maslow Hierarchy of Needs. As humans, we have basic needs for access to clean air, water, food, clothing, warmth and shelter. We want to feel safety and security in our employment, have access to resources, assets and good health. We desire closeness, connection and intimacy in relationships. We long to be seen, recognized, respected and treated with equity. We want to live to our full potential and leave behind a legacy.

The threats are real

Unemployment threatens access to basic needs and our sense of security. Eviction threatens shelter in a time when we need to quarantine. Too much time together with family threatens the need for personal space. Living by ourselves threatens our need for connection. Sickness, violence and death threaten health, relationships and legacy. Inequity and injustice bring up the historical and ongoing trauma that threaten the sense of belongingness, worthiness and need for access among marginalized groups.

Being human

If you’re struggling with one or more of these areas of your life, you’re being human. If you need help, that makes sense and we’re here for you. If finances or insurance is a concern, we have sliding scale spots through OpenPath Collective. If you need to slide lower than what we can offer through OpenPath, come in through this program and talk to your therapist. We’ll see what we can work out. 

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. She sometimes takes a break from everything that’s going on and turns to baking. She has made the same Earl Grey Yogurt Cake many times, varying the oil and sugar levels, using almond milk vs yogurt and substituting flax eggs for real eggs. By now, she enjoys seeing how her experiment turns out more than the eating of it. 

5 Ways to Spread Love During a Pandemic

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I love my friends and family. But I sometimes neglect to show it. It’s not enough to feel it. People need to receive help and support from others - now more than ever. Isolation and loneliness is common in modern life, but during a pandemic it’s rampant. Just checking in on someone and reminding them that you care can lift their spirit out of a depression spiral.

I have to admit I haven’t been in a very giving mood lately. I’ve been so caught up in my own worries and the state of the world, thinking of others’ needs has felt draining. But the season of love has reminded me of all the rituals we used to do to show love for each other, and it’s important to continue to extend love and care. Valentine's day isn’t just for couples! Single folks and coupled ones alike can find fun ways to share the love.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve felt that giving presents can be more fun than receiving. Receiving a gift can feel awkward - I sometimes feel like I’m being put on the spot. But coming up with personalized gifts for loved ones can make you feel warm all over.

Here are 5 easy ways to show you care - even when it doesn’t come naturally

1. Do something to help a neighbor: shovel their walkway, offer to go on a grocery run. If you’re not sure what will help, ask what they need to feel supported. 

2. Send a postcard to a loved one letting them know you’re thinking of them - from whatever city you’re at. You’re stuck wherever you are - but most everyone else is too! When no one is traveling anyway, tell your friends something about your home base they don’t know and share what you’re doing to pass the time at home.

3. Get crafty. Make something for your friends or partner even if it feels silly. If you’re not feeling very artsy or inspired, use a kit like a terrarium making kit, a photo album app, or those Paint by Numbers posters. If you spent time on it, it doesn’t have to come from within for you to put love into it and give you a sense of accomplishment. The act of art is also therapeutic - so do it even if for yourself. 

4. Bake some treats for your pals and drop off care packages around town. 

5. Surprise a friend with delivery - many local companies have converted to delivery rather than in-person in the pandemic. If you can afford to splurge on this, support them and keep them in business. 

I get it - with many of us feeling serious compassion fatigue, doing things for others can feel impossible. If that’s the case, ask yourself what you need and see if you can give it to yourself. Do any or all of these things for yourself. Bake yourself your favorite treat, buy yourself small things that bring you joy, write yourself a note about how you’re doing. These small gestures might just revive you enough to help you reach out to others as well, down the road.

I hope you had a good Valentine’s day this year, even if it didn’t look like it usually does. 

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Karen Lenz is the Office Whiz and Insurance Guru at People Bloom Counseling. She writes blog posts as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. She doesn’t celebrate Valentines Day officially, but she tries to at least make it a nice, conflict-free, easy day. This year she checked in on her loved ones, baked some treats, and played silly online word games with her family.

How some Couples are Struggling During the Pandemic and What you can Do about it

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We’re still here, together 

Now 11 months into the pandemic, couples who have been stuck at home the whole time with or without kids are getting to know their partners really well. Maybe a little too well. If there were no major secrets kept and both parties were doing relatively well pre-COVID, being stuck at home with increased chores, limited social activities and restricted coping mechanisms has likely created relationship stress that wouldn’t be there otherwise. 

You couldn’t have known how your partner would respond when they develop cabin fever, when they don’t have the usual sports or social events to break up the weeks and months. Instead of the occasional work trip to make your hearts go yonder, it might be a case of, “You again?!” when you see each other in the kitchen. You might be running out of things to say to each other because not a whole lot is happening. 

If this is a challenging time for you, you’re not alone. When you said, “til death do us apart,” you didn’t sign up for, “a pandemic to keep us together. All. The. Time.” When you get so little time apart, it can create a whole new set of problems. 

The following are three common issues that come up amongst couples stuck at home, along with possible solutions. 

Disproportionate distribution of chores

Problem - 

It is no surprise that more women are forced out of the workplace due to COVID. And even if both partners are working from home, the lion’s share of chores often on women to do or manage. There are absolutely exceptions to this phenomenon and I know of very involved husbands and dads, but regardless of who ends up staying home, the  pandemic can quadruple the work for one partner! 

You can no longer rely on meals at the cafeteria, instruction at school, the cleaning service or respite care with in-laws caring for the children. Meal planning, cooking, cleaning up, tidying up frequented spaces, supporting online school, finding ways to entertain the kids, helping the children cope with the ups and downs of pandemic life… the list goes on. 

Solution - 

Reevaluate how chores were allocated. It’s possible that the way things were before no longer work - or really have never worked. It can take a pandemic to overhaul the system and start from scratch.

With everyone home, let’s map out the logistics: who has more flexibility in their schedule to get a child started on Zoom? Who can stay with them for special instructions? How often will dishes be loaded and unloaded now that there are twice as many meals to serve? How often will Amazon boxes be broken down before they become a fire hazard? Who leads the toilet scrubbing department? Figure out who can do what. If it helps to make a chore chart/wheel/spreadsheet, go for it, whatever it takes to create a plan to get everyone involved.

All chores are back on the table and up for delegation. As with any new systems, it’d be important to come back to the drawing board and see how things are going after 1-2 weeks. Nothing is written in stone and the need to switch things up only means you’re adaptable to the changing times.

Difficulty communicating needs

Problem - 

Pre-pandemic, if you had an office to go to, you had a commute to help you decompress from work. After work, you could go to your meditation class, grab a craft beer with your friends or look forward to your weekly b-ball practice. Such that if something bothered you earlier in the day, the passing of time and the ability to shift focus to another activity meant you were already in a different head space by the time you came home to your partner. 

Before the pandemic, when you got home you may have talked with your partner about what bothered you, but the intensity of that incident had already worn off. You could rely on your own toolbox to cope and didn’t need to ask for what you might need from your partner, from the relationship.

With COVID, you need to use more of your words because there’s a limit to what you can do to cope. Your commute is 20 steps away and you may even bump into your partner in the hall with the issue still burning in your mind. 

Solution - 

Over-communicate what might be going on. Workplaces are needing to over-communicate to their employees given remote work and ever changing policies. Why would a couple trying to figure out life together during a global pandemic be any different? If something bothers you and you can use some help, even just a little, err on the side of speaking to it, rather than letting things fester. “I need some space from Johnny. Can you watch him for 45 minutes while I read a book in the bedroom?” Or, “I’m tired of figuring out what to cook and I need help deciding. Do you want curry tofu or lasagna?”

If you have not been good about asking for what you might need, now is the time to flex that muscle. You can lean into your relationship to cope with these challenging times, especially when your individual coping toolbox is limited.

That brings me to my last point.

Fewer coping strategies 

Problem - 

You were likely resourceful before the quarantine in knowing what you need to do and when to do it to help you cope with life. You had regular activities to look forward to, as a couple or by yourself. You could gather in groups. You had music festivals, concerts, events, celebrations, travels to mark the passing of time. With COVID, you signed up for an online yoga subscription. Your workout moved to YouTube. You’re Zooming your book club. You’re watching a concert on Netflix rather than being at one. 

Things are just not the same. A coping skill that sounds good one day feels like crap the next. Now your partner sees how crabby you can be when you don’t have those outlets, and vice versa. 

Solution - 

Develop new coping skills. Choose activities that feel novel to you. Look into old hobbies. Do something that helps you feel empowered, rather than despair. Start and finish a project with your partner, even if the “project” is as simple as loading up the dishwasher. Develop new rituals together. Have time alone and apart. Especially in situations where one partner copes by spending time together and the other copes by having time alone, see how you can be together in your apartness. One couple I know will have their feet touch while sitting on opposite sides of the couch, one watching TV with their headphones and the other with their book. 

The things that couples come up with never cease to amaze me. 

Riding through this, together 

Until more is known about COVID transmission while vaccinated, most of this year will still involve staying put, social distancing and mask wearing. You’ll likely still be working from home, limiting travels and group activities. Your partner is pretty much it. It’s possible to have an even better relationship through COVID than the one you had before.

If you need help bettering your relationship, our couples counselors are here for you. 

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. With COVID, her husband has developed this new ritual of waking up at the same time she does and getting her tumbler and hot water ready for her ginormous cup of coffee. She hopes that ritual remains well into their transition back into post-pandemic life.

How to Christmas in 2020

Photo by Jimmy Dean on Unsplash

Traditions? What traditions?!

Last month, we published a blog about how to do Thanksgiving this pandemic year, aka Zoom-Giving. Now, we’re only a few days from Christmas, the second most celebrated holiday around the world, behind New Year’s. Frankly, these end-of-the-year holidays were not that big of a deal when I was growing up. We put up a fake tree, hung some ornaments, exchanged gifts with immediate family and invited 20+ people over for Chinese food. As a young adult, my extended family and I gathered for a meal, with or without traditional American holiday dishes. In the last 10 years since getting married, my husband and I have done everything from ordering Chinese takeout n’ binge watching movies, to visiting my aunts, to trying out big baking projects, just the two of us. All that to say, we don’t stick to any strict tradition from one year to the next.  

As I reflect on how we have little to no traditions around this time of the year, I understand Christmas can be a big deal to many people. 

A reminder of Christmases past

It all starts with putting the lights up after Thanksgiving, or for some of us - even before! A tree is carefully chosen over hot chocolate. Ornaments from 3rd grade arts n’ crafts are displayed. Christmas shopping is done, last-minute or in advance, and presents wrapped and carefully arranged underneath the tree. Perhaps there’s milk and cookies for Santa, and opening of presents on Christmas Day. There’s definitely the spread of holiday food, maybe a green bean casserole made the way Uncle Steven would’ve liked, or curried carrots from Auntie Darlene’s recipes. 

Then there’s the hustling and bustling around the house, of kids running around, of adults directing a gazillion questions at college kids who are home, of someone having too much to drink, and these days it’s not Christmas without a debate over a plant-based vs. a Paleo diet.

While many of us sorely miss being together, we so easily forget the stress of the holidays when we did gather. During a pandemic year when we’ve been cooped up at home or when most of our social interactions have been through Zoom, any face-to-face, 3-D, live person contact is preferred over staring into a screen.

Almost there. Don’t give in.

Yet, we’re so close. We made it this far! We’ve done this for 10 months now and the vaccine is near. Whether you plan to get vaccinated or will wait for herd immunity, this may be the only and final Christmas holiday you’d need to celebrate in a special, non-traditional way. 

You’ve spent all this time staying safe enough while also staying sane enough. Now is not the time to let loose. While the quality and access to healthcare might differ, depending, unfortunately, on coverage and/or your skin color, COVID does not discriminate. Just because you haven’t contracted it thus far does not mean you will not in the future. Depending on how you choose to spend your Christmas, you’ll either be grieving the Christmas you never had and moving on from it. Or, if you do get COVID, the best case scenario is you’re quarantined for two-weeks at home in January where your freedom will truly be limited. You could also come up with a new way to Christmas this year and make it special in spite of it all. 

YOLO is true either way. If you only get to defy Christmas traditions this one year, what would you do?

Ideas for how to Christmas this year

• Stay in your jammies the whole day!

• Buy everyone matching jammies and Zoom part of the festivities, or lack there of

• Go for a nice, socially distanced walk

• Try a new recipe

• Bake something. If it doesn’t turn out, throw it in the freezer and save it for “later”

• Challenge yourself to eat anything but traditional holiday food

• Still bake the turkey, stuffing, yams and the whole nine yards but savor it with your immediate family

• Play a new board game as a family

• Have a Marvel, LOTR, Harry Potter or Netflix marathon

• Treat it like any other day off 

• Tackle a home project 

• Cozy up under a blanket and read a book

As you look at this list, you’d realize anything goes, except when you take a risk that could have negative consequences.

Looking forward to 2021 with you

Unlike the magic of a light switch that turns off 2020 and turns on 2021, 2021 will come to us in the way of a dimmer. We’ll wake up to a continuation of what was 2020, but hopefully, we’ll be moving in the right direction. 

Our counselors here at People Bloom wish you a warm, safe and special nonetheless Christmas and New Year’s.

Best,
Ada

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. This Christmas, she will Zoom with her in-laws’ family on Christmas morning, bake onion rings for the first time and watch shows she has cued up on Netflix.

Happy Zoom-giving! How a Pandemic is Forcing us to Shake Things Up

Photo by Element5 Digital on Unsplash

One thing is for sure - this Thanksgiving will look very different than past Thanksgivings. We can’t gather like we normally would. It is partly lonely and sad, but the silver lining is that we’re not forced to spend hours around the table with people we fundamentally disagree with. I mean, we all know that if this was a normal year, the hot topic this holiday season would be how in the heck we’re gonna sit around a table and be civil with relatives after that election. 

Evaluating what matters

This year, we have a chance to reevaluate what really matters in the holiday season. What do we really want out of this holiday? Why do we celebrate it? Inarguably the origins of Thanksgiving was not a festive time for Native Americans. Considering this, what can we do instead during the holidays that feels right, and that we can be whole with?

Since many of us are not gathering anyway, we have time to think about whether we really wanted to gather in the first place, and if so, why and how we want to do it. We have an opportunity to reflect on what our generation (whatever generation you’re in - just go with it) wants out of life. We don’t have to follow certain traditions just because it’s the way we’ve always done them. So this year, let’s come up with a new way to celebrate!

Let’s rebrand Thanksgiving!

What are we really celebrating?

It’s time to question old conventions, create new traditions and break out of old norms. Let’s say we all agree that the holiday itself is a tricky one to condone, historically. Instead of continuing to teach our children the narrative that pilgrims and natives were one big happy family, we can teach them the history of colonialism. And if we want to gather as a family for late November festivities, we can still do that! Almost everyone I know is conflicted about Thanksgiving’s origin story. So let’s discard the illusion of perfect harmony between the colonists and tribes, and create something new to celebrate, not tied to our sordid history. 

Having grown up Jewish and now picking and choosing my favorite parts of the religion to observe, I’m all about picking the best things out of traditions and discarding the old archaic customs that need updating. When we do that with Thanksgiving, the focus of this day for me becomes: celebrate family, be thankful for everything ya got, cuz none of it is guaranteed, and eat well.

Coming up with a new tradition

Does this holiday have to revolve around a history with inherently problematic roots? Hint: no, the answer is no, it does not. Instead, is there a different label you’d want to put on it? If colonialism doesn’t sit well with you, but you still love family, food and thankfulness, then we should be able to have those things without an outdated holiday as the backdrop. This is a fun one to brainstorm with your kids. You can come up with new names for the holiday as a family. This year, the obvious choice and my vote is Zoom-giving!

Ada Pang, one of our clinicians often says, “A publicly recognized holiday in America is just a day on the calendar.” With Thanksgiving, it’s even a different date every year! So, who’s to say it has to be celebrated on Nov 26th this year? If you really miss certain family and friends, do another version of Zoom-giving when it is safe to gather again. Whole turkey might not be available in August, but who’s to say turkey has to be a part of this holiday anyway? Poor bird.

How do you want to do family time?

This year, give yourself permission to not do too much. If you want to forego everything and order takeout and watch Netflix - by all means! But you shouldn’t need a pandemic to be true to yourself. If you were to ponder plans for future holidays - what do you hope to gain from family time? Who do you want to invite? It’s ok to relieve yourself of the pressure to be a super host and accommodate people who test your boundaries.

If from now on, you want to only celebrate No-drama-november with your nuclear family, then can you let yourself do that going forward? Or, if you want to celebrate with your chosen family rather than your family of origin, then Friendsgiving it is - guilt free. Even if you can’t throw out all the traditions in just one year, see if you can renegotiate what you’d like to keep.

As for me, I’m making all the traditional dishes and delivering to relatives - we’ll all eat separately. It means I get to drop by to say hello, do my good deed, but not spend so much time together that we overstay our welcome or get burned out. And then I get to eat in peace. To be honest - I’m a little bit in love with this idea, and am considering doing this every year instead of the traditional big family dinner. It took a pandemic to realize that all those big family dinners did was make me feel claustrophobic. 

If you create new ways to celebrate, what’s the worst that would happen? Who’s to tell you otherwise? Is it expectations? Societal pressure? The patriarchy? Emotional labor camps? The answers are in the questions. You can let go of all of that noise. Or, at least some of that noise.

How do you show gratitude?

In the same way that we say we don’t need some random saint to tell us to show our love for each on Valentine's day, we also don’t need no stinkin’ holiday to tell us to be thankful! Then again, there’s nothing wrong with the reminder to be thankful on a certain day of the year. We can embrace this positive message without the Thanksgiving brand.

What if we made a special effort to show or express gratitude for the new Thanksgiving 2.0? You could keep a gratitude journal, or put notes in your thankfulness jar every day. Write your friends a thank you note just for being a friend. Tell your spouse you love them and what you’re thankful for about them. The list is endless.

Eating well is an ethos of its own

This is the fun one. If you’re a fan of the traditional Thanksgiving feast, you can still gather just as you always did around the table, with turkey, stuffing, and mashed yams with marshmallow goop on top. You don’t have to give anything up if you don’t want to. The new rebranded holiday you come up with can still center on good old fashioned T-G food. But if you do stick to this, make sure it’s what you really want. I imagine there are mothers out there who can’t stand the mush that is Thanksgiving food, but slave away on it anyway as a labor of love. That’s ok, but it’s also ok to mix in new foods you actually love as part of your new customs. Or go nuts - you can decide that from now on, you will celebrate with spaghetti bolognese, garlic bread and some vino. Because...why not? You can create your own path. You do you in other ways. Now do you with the holidays too, and do it wholeheartedly. 

The mantra this year is - question everything and do the things that bring you joy. If nothing else, this pandemic has helped us take a good look at all the motions we go through, and maybe it’s time to consider whether we really need some of those motions. 

Happy Tofurkey day, Friendsgiving, November family fun day, or whatever you want to celebrate to get through the madness that has been 2020! If you need some Zoom-giving debrief, our clinicians are here for you!

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Karen Lenz is the Office Whiz and Insurance Guru at People Bloom Counseling. She writes blog posts as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. She’s going to miss seeing everyone in person this holiday season, but she’s really looking forward to the traditional Thanksgiving food, even all the different forms of colorful mush.

What to Do when your Self-Care Activities Don’t Work

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Most of us are not doing well

Back in July, I wrote about us entering the chronic stage of this global pandemic. Now a couple more months have passed and things are not much better. The smoke eclipsed the short summer we had left and last night’s first presidential debate was utter chaos. In light of all this, I should mention there are some people who are doing surprisingly well while social distancing, meeting online, and taking things in stride. But, that’s not most of us.

At best, many people are dipping in and out of feeling okay. At worst, they never adjusted and have been struggling since March. In the middle are people who rode the wave of crisis for a while and adapted, except the crisis never let up and they’re on the trajectory to burnout if not already there. 

2020 has been one hell of a year and we still have one more quarter to go. The quarter where Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) makes a comeback with the shorter days; the quarter where the next president will be determined; the quarter where some families will grieve their first holiday without their loved ones.

Zoom turkey is just not the same. 

You’re normal

If you’re struggling, you’re human. Some of the most ambitious, competent, adaptable and resilient people I know are struggling. It doesn’t mean you can’t hack it, because you likely have been through other trying times and made it to the other side. This time is different. It is the ripple effects of COVID, the continued disregard for Black and Brown lives, the devastating wildfires and the looming presidential election. There are countless stressful events in between that I initially listed but have decided to leave out because it gave me heart palpitations to write and re-read. If you wonder why you don’t have your shit together, it might be because you’re still processing the ramifications of the last event. Or the last few events. 

Stop trying so hard 

So, before you go off to list the self-care activities you either ought to be doing or have tried with limited results, let’s get something straight: Stop pressuring yourself to feel better. Meal prepping, going out for walks and journaling are great, but not with the undertone: This has got to work! This has helped in the past! Why can’t I get this to work?! It’s like pressuring yourself to fall asleep when you’re wide awake; good luck with that. 

Now I’m not asking you to give up, but I am urging you to approach this series of crises differently. This is not a nail you approach with a hammer or a screw you approach with a Phillips head. Rather, put down your tool and stop trying to fix things. Play Animal Crossing if you think it’s going to help you, but not because it has to. Go for a run cuz it’s a nice day out, not because you felt the runner’s high last time and you’re looking for that same effect this time. Do the activity that’s good for you, period. How you feel afterwards and whether it’ll actually help is secondary. If it does; great! If it doesn’t; it is still beneficial.

A study done on lab rats showed that even when they were forced to exercise, their mental health improved from the exercise as much as if they had chosen to hop on their wheel. How does this apply to you? Well, even if you really don't feel like it and wonder if it's even doing any good, it's better to get up and move than not. And if you can't bring yourself to do it today, there's always tomorrow. 

That brings me to my next point. 

Change your expectations 

If you have high expectations that yoga will leave you feeling all zen, and you feel just as anxious when you started if not more, then maybe you’ve tuned into all that your body was holding. These are not normal times and your usual or new coping strategies are not supposed to have the same effect. You also don’t have to do the right thing all the time. That’s exhausting. If you want some chocolate, have some chocolate. Don’t feel like jumping on that family Zoom call? Skip it. You don’t have it in you to show up for work today? Take a mental health day. You don’t have to be firing on all cylinders right now. Like, what cylinders? 

Do things that actually give you spoons

Lastly, not all coping mechanisms are created equal. If you both like to mow the lawn and you like the outcome of a mowed lawn, then all the power to you. For many other coping skills, we may like the feeling of having done it after the fact but not in the moment. So, if marinating chicken for tomorrow’s dinner feels too effortful at the moment and it will actually take away your spoons, then Trader Joe’s pre-made Koma Fish Curry sounds pretty good and just needs a trip in the microwave. The dishes are too much today? Let’s try again tomorrow. Instead, watch three episodes of Queer Eye over a frozen burrito. It might just replenish your spoons. Might. 

We’re here for you 

If you need help with your self-care activities, our trained therapists are here for you. We understand because there are times when we’re going through the same things and have needed to tap into our toolbox to stay sane. We want to help you develop yours.

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Ada Pang is the owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. She recently dyed her hair at home to switch things up. The last time she dyed her own hair was in high school. While it didn’t make everything better and it wasn’t supposed to, it was something she is reminded of everyday. It did help. A bit.

3 Tips for Coping with the Chronic Stage of a Global Pandemic

Photo by Erik Mclean on Unsplash

From acute to chronic

July marks month five of COVID happenings in the US. We went from panic buying toilet paper to temporarily setting up work from home arrangements. Along the way, we adjusted to new rules at the grocery store and signage everywhere. We learned that schooling from home is not the same as home schooling. We might have gotten news about layoffs or if we’re still working, the ever-changing COVID policy rollouts. We order desks, laptop stands, chairs to make working from home more permanent. Clorox wipes reappear on shelves momentarily and there’s no shortage of companies selling you cloth masks. Leaving home without your face mask can feel like you’re leaving home without your phone. 

The reality of COVID

All in all, from the limited packages of chicken you can buy at the store to, “It’s the summer and I have nowhere to go!”, we’re reminded that COVID is staying, for now. While I’ve heard countless times, “Now if only this virus would go away!” or “I’m so done with this!”, we have entered the chronic stage of this global pandemic. It’s chronic in that it’s something we have to learn to deal with through the summer, into the fall and likely into 2021. Even if you don’t want to hear that, it doesn’t change what is. I see it as getting over the initial shock of, say being diagnosed with diabetes: one is still left with learning how to manage this condition.

Different times call for different strategies

The thing is, how we manage in the beginning is not how we manage now. Similar to my previous blog about building your wellness toolbox, we need different tools when we’re coping for the short-term versus planning for the long, or at least mid-haul. When the dust has settled but you’re tired of the same old same old, what are you to do? 

Here are three tips to cope with this next phase of COVID:

1. Switch things up - Nobody says your furniture has to go up against the wall, you can’t have breakfast for dinner or date night can’t be in the middle of the week. Move things around, break the unspoken rules in your own house, see COVID as an opportunity to live outside the box. 

2. Hold loosely onto projected changes - Whether it is the 50+ pages of reading put out by your district’s “Return to School Task Force,” your projected return-to-office date or version 7.0 of your work’s COVID procedures based on the latest CDC guidelines, the information is ever changing. Sure, stay abreast regarding changes and follow recommendations, but don’t get too attached. Before you know it, what’s in front of you might be replaced by yet the next best practice. 

3. Without putting you or other people’s lives in danger, do activities that make you feel just a little out of control - While it helps for kids to be out of school, life has been super structured or otherwise restricted. Planning things out, wiping things down, following social distancing rules can make you feel in control, but it can also be exhausting. Since COVID, couples have been trying out new ways to pleasure each other. Similarly, with the nicer weather, think long bike rides, SUP or kayaking.

We’re here for you

If you need help coping with this phase of the health pandemic, we got you. Our caseloads tend to be lighter over the summer. Come in now so you can get a head start into fall. We’re here for you, 100% telehealth.

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Ada Pang is the owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. She was looking forward to going out on her paddle board but slept in after catching Comet Neowise in the middle of the night. Next time.

Build your Wellness Toolbox to Help you Stay Sane in 2020

Photo by Bookblock on Unsplash

What a year it has been!

2020 has been a hell of a year with the health pandemic, too many COVID-related deaths, business closures, massive unemployment and pending evictions. Black and brown lives continue to matter as protests broke out in all 50 states to seek justice for George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Arbery and too many others. Rioting and/or looting followed in some states.

And we’re only in June.

Introducing WRAP

What do we need to do to stay sane so we can keep going? When there is so much hurt going on, we have less tolerance for more things to go wrong. Adapting from the model of Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP), we can all use a wellness toolbox right now. Initially, WRAP was developed to help people with mental health struggles to live full, meaningful lives. It has since been adapted to help people with all kinds of physical and emotional challenges.

And if we are honest with ourselves, current circumstances are most certainly challenging all of us physically, emotionally and socially right now.

You may be thinking that self-care and wellness rituals only make it easier to hide from or turn a blind eye to the troubles around us. The opposite is true: do these things to help you maintain from day-to-day, so you can go out (or stay in) and continue to contribute to your life, your family, your community in the best way you know how.

The elements of WRAP

Develop a wellness toolbox

List everything you can think of that helps you feel better. Here are a sample from my list:

• Draw

• Watch a movie

• Go out for a walk

• Connect with my friends and family

• Travel

And the list goes on. List as many things as you can think of, big and small. Even ones you can’t do right now in quarantine can spark other creative ideas. Keep going until you run out of ideas.

Describe yourself when you’re well

Sometimes it’s hard to remember what you’re like when you’re feeling well. This is especially the case when you’re overwhelmed and a “hot mess”. Here is how I’d describe myself when I’m having a good enough day:

• Loving

• Focused

• Funny

• Patient

• Thoughtful

It doesn’t have to be your best day, but when you’re feeling relatively well, how would you describe yourself? Write those down. You don’t have to stop at just five qualities. Keep going.

Make a daily maintenance list

From your wellness toolbox, pick tools to put on your daily maintenance list to help you stay as well as possible. Think about these as being your absolute necessities: things you need to do everyday to help you maintain. Here are mine:

• Get at least 7.5 hours of sleep

• Eat healthy homemade meals at least two out of three meals

• Hug and kiss my husband

• Have my morning cup of coffee

• Vary my working position between sitting and standing

While these items are not the ones previously listed, they’re definitely in my wellness toolbox. I’m simply putting down different items to show you the variety. There are no right or wrong answers, only the tools that work for you. Your daily maintenance list needs to be your non-negotiables: If a day or two goes by without doing items on this list, you’ll feel it.

Make a weekly maintenance list

Deviating from the WRAP model for a moment, I’m going to add a weekly maintenance list. There are simply some things that don’t need to be done daily, but if you wait too long to get to them, the impact is greater than the activity itself. Here’s what’s on my weekly maintenance list, ideas still generated from my wellness toolbox:

• Do a cardio workout 3x a week

• Date night

• Cook 2-3x a week

• Do 1-2 loads of laundry

• Get a sushi takeout

While it’s possible to go on to list my monthly maintenance list which would involve a lot of bill payments, you get the idea. Especially during a global crisis when the day feels long and the month feels short, planning for what you’d need in the short-term can help you function better.

Identify your triggers

In a recent post, I noted what’s really going on when we’re emotionally triggered. Here’s a short video of me summarizing the same ideas:

Within WRAP, you might not be identifying all the elements of your emotional triggers. However, it still helps to know when something might be upsetting you. Do you know what gets you stressed out and emotionally riled up? Here’s my list:

• A sink full of dishes on the night I’m scheduled to cook (it’s true)

• Videos and articles of injustice against black and brown people

• Comments by POTUS deliberately trying to cause division and chaos within our country and in opposition to the rest of the world

• Self-comparison with others, even though where they are or what they have are not even things I care for

• Small quarrels with people I care about

Triggers are often unexpected, but they can also be the result of us spending too much time on social media, reading the news, or otherwise surpassing a threshold of an activity that is no longer healthy for us. Take some time to notice what your triggers are. Write them down.

Notice your early warning signs

When triggered and you find yourself feeling worse and worse, it helps to know all the early warning signs that you’re not doing well. It’s one thing to be triggered and to bounce back from it; it’s another to spiral downward and for a bad mood to linger much longer. Here are my early warning signs when I’m not doing so well:

• I get more emotional

• I default to my old ways

• I frequent the snack table

• I’m more short with my husband

• I keep to myself more

Since the pandemic, my post about A Life Worth Living: What to do When Faced with Thoughts of Suicide became the 3rd most frequented page on our website. For some people, early warning signs include thoughts of suicide. If that’s you, please get help. Tell somebody. Reach out. There are other options. We all have early warning signs that things are getting out of hand. What are yours? Take some time with that.

Make a plan to recover

When you’re losing it, the tools you use will need to be different from the ones on your daily maintenance plan. Think about the things that will help you get through these tough times. This is often the opportunity to involve people around you, if you haven’t done so already. Since the pandemic, I’ve needed to tap into my own recovery plan. I learned a few things about myself along the way:

• Ask my friends for a card or a care package

• Be honest about my needs and wants

• Allow myself the space to cry

• Talk to my therapist

• Get help from my mentors

Refer back to the earlier descriptions of you when you’re well. What’s going to help you get back to the place of feeling like yourself again? Even if you’ve slept it off but you’re feeling more or less better, I’d still encourage you to work down the list on your recovery plan. Just because you’re feeling better in a moment does not mean you can sustain it. All the dominos that led to you spiraling will not go away on their own. We need to proactively take extra good care of you. Consider this mental health first aid.

The rest of WRAP

The WRAP model goes on to encourage people to formulate a crisis plan if you can’t take care of yourself, which could include hospitalization to keep you or other people safe. There’s also a component about a post-crisis plan to help you return home safely and how to stay safe. These last elements are beyond the scope of this blog and require a conversation with a trained mental health professional.

Please, if you’re feeling suicidal, consider the following resources:

• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: (800) 273-TALK (8255) or text CONNECT to 741741 in the United States.

• TrevorLifeline for the LGBTQ community: (866) 488-7386 or text START to 678678 in the United States.

• Teen Link is a confidential and anonymous hotline in WA staffed by teen volunteers trained to talk to other teens who are going through a tough time: call or text (866) 833-6546.

• Now Matters Now has many videos to help people deal with suicidal thoughts

• International Association for Suicide Prevention has a list of resources for people living outside of the US

If you need help building your Wellness Toolbox

Life isn’t always kind, especially now. If you need help building your Wellness Toolbox, we’ve got trained counselors who can help you through this difficult time. Don’t wait until you’re at the end of your rope to get help.

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Ada Pang is the owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. A newer item in her wellness toolbox has been drawing, more specifically, drawing her dish rack.

Tips for Coping with the Effects of a Global Trauma

Photo by Robina Weermeijer on Unsplash

While stuck at home, you’re feeling things you may have never felt before. This isn’t a typical global crisis. So much of this pandemic involves isolation, waiting, unknowns, and not much action, unless you’re on the frontlines. But the effects on the population as a whole are felt, nonetheless.

During a global crisis...

• You may feel fatigued, confused, angry, restless, sad, helpless, distracted and/or super alert.

• You may feel trapped, like life is on hold.

• You may feel safe at home.

• You may feel bad about feeling safe at home.

You may skip between these feelings constantly. You may not know how to behave or what you ought to do when you’ve been given so many mixed messages.

Even when you allow yourself to have a good laugh about all that’s going on, when you pull away from this YouTube video or that TV show, the reality is still there. 

Your routine has been disrupted, at the very least. If you’re on the frontlines, you cannot unsee what you have seen.

It’s ok if...

• You aren’t getting as much done

• You aren’t eating super healthy

• You’re not eating enough

• You’re overeating

• You don’t always show patience with your partner or children

• You’re sleeping too much

• You’re not sleeping enough

Please extend grace to yourself. This is especially important when your best doesn’t feel like your best. 

“Normal” reactions to trauma 

All of your reactions are normal. In this context, “normal” just means common; we universally and instinctually share these reactions and traits. Your reactions are human, understandable and to be expected.

“Normal” will look slightly different for each of us, but there are some recognizable universal ways that we all react to dangerous situations.

Common trauma responses, one of which is less well known

When faced with danger, whether real or perceived, humans instinctively respond in the following four ways. While they’re not neatly categorized, see if you can spot yourself in one or more of these reactions:

• Fight –  In fight mode, you may show aggression about the state of the world as a whole, but this also manifests as angry outbursts taken out on those around you for seemingly unrelated reasons.

• Flight – In flight mode, you feel like running away from the danger, but this can also show up as forms of escape: becoming hyper-focused on work, or diving into projects and tasks that distract you from all the negative events in the world.

• Freeze – When you don’t know whether to fight or flee, your brain can resort to another option: shut down and freeze. In temporarily tightening up your muscles and paralyzing yourself, you hope to be away from danger. Your brain is subconsciously playing the game of “If I can’t see them, they can’t see me.” 

• Fawn or faint – The fourth and least talked about reaction to danger is to fawn/faint. When you fawn/faint, you have no energy to fight, flight or even freeze. You feel so helpless about the situation you become co-dependent or people-please. Sometimes, this can show up as frontline workers taking on extra shifts or working beyond their limits.

Normal reactions may be common survival instincts, but they aren’t always helpful for your well being. While your reactions make sense, they can lead to anxiety, depression, sleep deprivation and worsened mental health.

It can be distressing when there is so much we have little control over and so much we don’t know. So what can we do to feel better when the world feels out of control?

Focus on what you do have control over and take it day-by-day

1. Pay attention to what your body needs. In times of stress, it’s incredibly easy to lose track of your needs to the point where you don’t notice you are hungry, thirsty, need to pee or are tired as heck. Cortisol stress levels are high, and your body needs extra care to stay in balance.

Check in with your body. Take a break, eat well, and rest when you’re tired. Do everything you need for self-care, and then some. Do everything you need for self-care, and then some.

2. Make a schedule and keep a routine. If your typical schedule has been disrupted, create a new routine around specific activities for you and your family. Pick up new activities and/or hold onto the ones you know well. Having a routine creates a sense of security, comfort and normalcy, even if the “new normal” is not what it used to be.

3. Unplug. No really, unplug. Wellness blogs have been advising us to take a break from tech since the internet was born. It’s advice we take or leave under normal circumstances, as is convenient for us. But now more than ever, it’s crucial to take a break from the (bad/confusing/alarming) news and noise. Set timers for yourself for how long you scroll or tune in. Turn instead to the tangible activities you can do at home or in nature. You might find that some of the weight of the world is temporarily lifted off your shoulders. 

The news cycle and the tweets will be there when you’re in the headspace  to return. Frankly, you won’t be missing much.

4. Practice gratitude. It’s so easy to fixate on the decaying state of the world, and to let that be the main focus of your thoughts and conversations. Make a special effort to pay attention to what IS working. Notice what’s going well, even in the small bubble of your life. There’s a big world out there, and everything about it could make us worry if we let it. Are your people healthy for now? Check. Did the sun come out? Sweet, that’s a win. Did your kids do their online homework last night? Miraculous! Did your banana bread come out perfect this time? You’re a master chef and a genius. Little things can become huge when we invite them in.

5. Help where you can. Are you in a special position to donate your time or resources? While frontline workers and tired parents understandably are excused from these activities, some people are in a unique position to give back. Many of those folks are itching to help any way they can. You can donate to local arts or buy restaurant gift cards for local hospital workers. If you are crafty, sew face masks to distribute to friends and neighbors. It’s a sense of doing something, anything to make a positive impact. 

If you haven’t been doing some of these things until now, that’s okay - what you do today matters. If you start taking small steps, you’re doing a better job of taking charge today than the day before. 

And, if you help with these things, we’re here for you. 

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Karen Lenz is the Office Whiz and Insurance Guru at People Bloom Counseling. She writes blog posts as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. She’s a homebody, so being stuck at home means more time for cooking, playing with the dog, and finally getting to work on house projects that she’s been putting off.