How to Talk to your Partner to Get at the Heart of the Matter

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Change my partner!

Sometimes, couples come into our offices and they want to see behavioral changes: “He needs to not log back into work after the kids are in bed…” or “They need to go out with their friends less often!” or “I can’t stand her telling me what to do throughout the day!”

“They need to STOP!!!”

During these incidents, emotions run high and they get stuck on what the partner needs to do differently for the relationship to improve. As a couples therapist, I’m often attuned to what’s really going on underneath. What message does it send you when your partner does this or that? And even then, it’s much safer and less vulnerable to focus on behavioral changes. I slipped into a moment like that myself a few weeks back. 

Here’s what happened. 

Lost track of time

Husband plays online board games on Monday and Wednesday. It’s his time with his friends and I totally support him. One of these nights happened to fall on the second Seattle heat wave and we usually would move the portable AC unit from his office to our bedroom to help cool down the space for sleep. Husband is usually done by 10:30pm-ish, but on this night, he totally lost track of time. 

His gaming session was lively and I waited and waited and waited. Surely he’ll be done by 11pm. Right when I’d think about interrupting him, I’d tell myself he can’t be that much longer. At my wit’s end, I finally peeked in and said, “I need the AC.” 

Husband sprang up from his chair and said, “Oh shit!” apologizing profusely when he reached the bedroom. I was fuming and couldn’t muster up any helpful words. Husband then returned to finish the game, as he couldn’t possibly leave his team high and dry. It was at that time I remembered how it takes time for the AC to cool down an inside temperature of 96F.

Needless to say, I couldn’t fall asleep. 

What’s really going on

My husband came to bed eventually and I said the easier thing, “We need to set up a time limit for board game night so that you are done by 11pm.” Definitely casting blame, I was asking for a behavioral change to prevent future occurrences. Husband then got hung up on problem solving with me: “Are you saying I need to be done by 11pm or I need to have the AC in here by 11pm?”

By now, it’s late and pointless to get into a board game curfew. So instead of insisting on the behavioral change, I went to the heart of the matter: “I felt forgotten when you had the AC blasting in your office while the bedroom was steaming hot and I have to get up early for work tomorrow.” Husband apologized, said he got carried away with the game and asked that I interrupt him earlier next time. 

What’s different about this interaction is that I told him how I truly felt and he heard me, without dismissing or minimizing my experience. To tell him I felt forgotten was significantly harder than focusing on what he needs to change. It required me to be in touch with that hurt and to own my vulnerability. And, seeing his impact on me in this way, that tugged at his heart string in a deeper way.

On the outside perhaps the result looks the same, regardless of approach: We’d both work to prevent this from happening in the future. I can come in to interrupt him sooner and he can try to remember that if the AC is still blasting in his office at 10:30pm at night, the unit is likely needed elsewhere. If you look a little closer, however, there’s a difference: I could either try to micromanage him, which leads to emotional disconnection. Or, when his behavior has an impact on me, I could share what it brings up for me and how it affects me.

Because I did the latter in this case, he was receptive, and it brought us closer together. 

Future late nights

Last week, my husband came to bed late again, but this time it was work-related. I went into his office to say goodnight and asked him to give me a kiss when he comes to bed. The next morning, I asked if that happened and he said yes. He said I moved briefly but was otherwise asleep. It felt sweet to know that he remembered. That’s all that mattered. 

Go beyond behavioral changes

When you come into our office, we want to help you get to the heart of the matter. When you bring up what you want to see change in your partner, our couples therapists are here to help you go deeper. We don’t just want to help you change your behaviors; we want to help you feel closer and more connected to your partner.

Don’t settle for less.

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. As with many of these posts, her husband gave permission to share their moments of humanity. She wouldn’t be able to do this work without his support and his kisses.

How some Couples are Struggling During the Pandemic and What you can Do about it

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We’re still here, together 

Now 11 months into the pandemic, couples who have been stuck at home the whole time with or without kids are getting to know their partners really well. Maybe a little too well. If there were no major secrets kept and both parties were doing relatively well pre-COVID, being stuck at home with increased chores, limited social activities and restricted coping mechanisms has likely created relationship stress that wouldn’t be there otherwise. 

You couldn’t have known how your partner would respond when they develop cabin fever, when they don’t have the usual sports or social events to break up the weeks and months. Instead of the occasional work trip to make your hearts go yonder, it might be a case of, “You again?!” when you see each other in the kitchen. You might be running out of things to say to each other because not a whole lot is happening. 

If this is a challenging time for you, you’re not alone. When you said, “til death do us apart,” you didn’t sign up for, “a pandemic to keep us together. All. The. Time.” When you get so little time apart, it can create a whole new set of problems. 

The following are three common issues that come up amongst couples stuck at home, along with possible solutions. 

Disproportionate distribution of chores

Problem - 

It is no surprise that more women are forced out of the workplace due to COVID. And even if both partners are working from home, the lion’s share of chores often on women to do or manage. There are absolutely exceptions to this phenomenon and I know of very involved husbands and dads, but regardless of who ends up staying home, the  pandemic can quadruple the work for one partner! 

You can no longer rely on meals at the cafeteria, instruction at school, the cleaning service or respite care with in-laws caring for the children. Meal planning, cooking, cleaning up, tidying up frequented spaces, supporting online school, finding ways to entertain the kids, helping the children cope with the ups and downs of pandemic life… the list goes on. 

Solution - 

Reevaluate how chores were allocated. It’s possible that the way things were before no longer work - or really have never worked. It can take a pandemic to overhaul the system and start from scratch.

With everyone home, let’s map out the logistics: who has more flexibility in their schedule to get a child started on Zoom? Who can stay with them for special instructions? How often will dishes be loaded and unloaded now that there are twice as many meals to serve? How often will Amazon boxes be broken down before they become a fire hazard? Who leads the toilet scrubbing department? Figure out who can do what. If it helps to make a chore chart/wheel/spreadsheet, go for it, whatever it takes to create a plan to get everyone involved.

All chores are back on the table and up for delegation. As with any new systems, it’d be important to come back to the drawing board and see how things are going after 1-2 weeks. Nothing is written in stone and the need to switch things up only means you’re adaptable to the changing times.

Difficulty communicating needs

Problem - 

Pre-pandemic, if you had an office to go to, you had a commute to help you decompress from work. After work, you could go to your meditation class, grab a craft beer with your friends or look forward to your weekly b-ball practice. Such that if something bothered you earlier in the day, the passing of time and the ability to shift focus to another activity meant you were already in a different head space by the time you came home to your partner. 

Before the pandemic, when you got home you may have talked with your partner about what bothered you, but the intensity of that incident had already worn off. You could rely on your own toolbox to cope and didn’t need to ask for what you might need from your partner, from the relationship.

With COVID, you need to use more of your words because there’s a limit to what you can do to cope. Your commute is 20 steps away and you may even bump into your partner in the hall with the issue still burning in your mind. 

Solution - 

Over-communicate what might be going on. Workplaces are needing to over-communicate to their employees given remote work and ever changing policies. Why would a couple trying to figure out life together during a global pandemic be any different? If something bothers you and you can use some help, even just a little, err on the side of speaking to it, rather than letting things fester. “I need some space from Johnny. Can you watch him for 45 minutes while I read a book in the bedroom?” Or, “I’m tired of figuring out what to cook and I need help deciding. Do you want curry tofu or lasagna?”

If you have not been good about asking for what you might need, now is the time to flex that muscle. You can lean into your relationship to cope with these challenging times, especially when your individual coping toolbox is limited.

That brings me to my last point.

Fewer coping strategies 

Problem - 

You were likely resourceful before the quarantine in knowing what you need to do and when to do it to help you cope with life. You had regular activities to look forward to, as a couple or by yourself. You could gather in groups. You had music festivals, concerts, events, celebrations, travels to mark the passing of time. With COVID, you signed up for an online yoga subscription. Your workout moved to YouTube. You’re Zooming your book club. You’re watching a concert on Netflix rather than being at one. 

Things are just not the same. A coping skill that sounds good one day feels like crap the next. Now your partner sees how crabby you can be when you don’t have those outlets, and vice versa. 

Solution - 

Develop new coping skills. Choose activities that feel novel to you. Look into old hobbies. Do something that helps you feel empowered, rather than despair. Start and finish a project with your partner, even if the “project” is as simple as loading up the dishwasher. Develop new rituals together. Have time alone and apart. Especially in situations where one partner copes by spending time together and the other copes by having time alone, see how you can be together in your apartness. One couple I know will have their feet touch while sitting on opposite sides of the couch, one watching TV with their headphones and the other with their book. 

The things that couples come up with never cease to amaze me. 

Riding through this, together 

Until more is known about COVID transmission while vaccinated, most of this year will still involve staying put, social distancing and mask wearing. You’ll likely still be working from home, limiting travels and group activities. Your partner is pretty much it. It’s possible to have an even better relationship through COVID than the one you had before.

If you need help bettering your relationship, our couples counselors are here for you. 

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. With COVID, her husband has developed this new ritual of waking up at the same time she does and getting her tumbler and hot water ready for her ginormous cup of coffee. She hopes that ritual remains well into their transition back into post-pandemic life.

Now Say you’re Sorry!” Everything you Need to Know about Apologies in Two Blogs - Part II

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If you’ve ever had a rift in your relationship, you know that apologizing is hard to do, and sometimes we could use a manual for doing it right. In Why Won’t you Apologize?, Dr. Harriet Lerner devotes a whole book to the art of apologizing. I’ve borrowed from her work to give you the keys to a stellar apology! In my last blog, I discussed the “why’s” of apologizing - why it matters, and who it is for. In part II, I identify the important elements for both the giver and the receiver of the apology. Being mindful of these things can help you make the repair process smoother with your humans, which translates to more time getting along and less time in tension and conflict. 

Born defensive

In her book, Lerner refers to the mischief of defensiveness.* We are wired for defensiveness  -- we want to protect the idealized image we have of ourselves. This is particularly difficult if you struggle with a shaky self-worth. When you’re in that space, you’re more likely to skew the words and hear “you are bad,” and you can easily drop into a shame-shit-storm. In those moments, you’re more vulnerable to fuse who you are with what you’ve done. 

Here comes our defenses! Our subconscious brain fights and says “I’m not bad, I can’t be bad, that doesn’t fit with the image I have of who I am.” And the words come out in some version of “I’m not wrong, you’re wrong.” But we cannot offer a genuine apology in this space… because in this space, we cannot listen carefully to the hurt party’s anger and pain. Instead, we listen defensively and listen for what we don’t agree with. We listen to correct the inaccuracies, the exaggerations, the “not true” part of what our person is telling us. This prevents us from hearing them out and understanding them; this protects us from the shame of acknowledging our own mistakes. 

Start with listening 

Good apologies first require good listening.* The first step in being a good listener involves being tuned into ourselves enough to recognize when we aren’t ready to listen. Check in with yourself first. Are you feeling anxious, angry, or distracted? If so, let the speaking party know you’d like to listen to them but you’ve got too much white noise happening within. Ask to come back to this conversation after you have some time to ground yourself. You can do this by taking some deep breaths, going for a walk, getting your to-do-list done, or practicing grounding techniques (a quick Google search will help you find a variety of these). Figure out what you need in order to show up wholehearted and present for your person. Then follow these guidelines:*

• Once you’re ready to engage, look for signs you’re getting defensive. Take a look at your body’s signals of an escalated nervous system (feeling tense, guarded)...and again, breathe. Lerner says we cannot listen with an overheated system. 

• Listen to discover only what you can understand and agree with. You shouldn’t be mentally making our case. 

• Ask questions about the parts that you don’t understand. Ask clarifying questions so that you’re really understanding what the hurt person is saying. Tone is everything with this; we cannot be curious and furious at the same time. 

• Offer your apology. 

• Let the hurt person know that you’ve heard, seen, and understood them. You can do that by reflecting back to them what they’ve said, acknowledging the feelings they shared, and summarizing with a validating statement such as “I get why this was hurtful,” or, “that makes a lot of sense to me.” 

• Thank the person for their honesty. Let them know you’ll continue thinking about this, invite further conversation, and make a plan for how you can do better. 

Acknowledge our differences 

Once you’re out of the listen-and-apologize piece, you can discuss where you disagree. Lerner emphasizes that this should not be conflicting with what you’ve already said, rather, acknowledging aspects of what your person shared that you might see differently.* We won’t agree with our person in every area all the time, and that’s okay. Intimacy requires coming to terms with our differences and learning to respect and appreciate our partner for the ways in which we’re different. We want to explore and understand these differences with curiosity and acceptance, rather than fighting to come out on top. 

Hurting, party of one?

When you’re the hurt party and it’s time to share your point of view, there are also some important rules to follow.*

• Keep it simple, and don’t over-talk. 

• Don’t blame or shame. This is VERY important, because blaming and shaming is likely to activate the other person’s defenses and you’ll be far less likely to get the acknowledgment you need. Do not blame, instead, assertively state your experience. 

• Use “I feel” statements, rather than “you” statements. E.g, “I felt hurt when you left me behind on the running trail.” Use your feeling words. 

• Don’t accuse or assume ill-intent. I (me, Abby) can speculate that most of us don’t do and say things with conscious intent to harm people we care about. 

• Don’t demand an apology. We want to stand on high ground as we present this information, recognizing we have zero control over the other person’s response. The healing comes from owning our story. 

Owning fault is hard

If apologizing were easy, Lerner wouldn’t have written her book and I wouldn’t have written this two-part blog. We come armored with weapons to protect our sense of self and who we believe ourselves to be in the world, but those weapons can wound. Owning our mess-ups is vulnerable, as we come with all of our imperfections and hope that the person we hurt will meet us with grace. It’s a fragile process, and it takes time and practice to master. But for the sake of our loved ones, ourselves, and our precious relationships...it’s worth tending to the cuts. 

If you’re struggling in your relationship and need help learning to offer healthy apologies, or receive them, our clinicians can help! 

*Borrowed from Why Won’t You Apologize? By Harriet Lerner, PhD (2018).

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Abby Erickson is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps people with anxiety and social anxiety learn ways to better manage their angst. She also helps people struggling with low self-esteem and body image issues be comfortable in their own skin. Since the pandemic, she has been providing counseling via telehealth. She’s enjoying not having to wear real pants. Down time in the age of Coronavirus has welcomed wine nights, hiking, and spending time with her roommate. 

“Now Say you’re Sorry!” Everything you Need to Know about Apologies in Two Blogs - Part I

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Welcome to humanity

We all mess up, say things we don’t mean, and hurt people we love. Emotions can make us impulsive and impair our better judgment. This is especially the case during a pandemic when we’re already stressed. We are human, and therefore imperfect beings. When the inevitable happens and we do care about our partner, we really need to work towards repairing the relationship. Repair usually requires an apology. But why is it that hearing “I’m sorry” feels so important to us? And, why is it so hard to offer up these same words to others? Harriet Lerner lays these answers out beautifully in her important work, Why Won’t You Apologize? (2018). Here is what I took away from it.

Why an apology is important: it “gifts” in more ways than one

Lerner refers to three “gifts” of a proper apology. The first is a gift to the hurt person. We’ve all been that person who is hurt, waiting for an apology. We feel unseen. We obsess, ruminate, grit our teeth, or distance when we feel wronged by another. And it’s hard to let that go until something gives. The gift of apology repairs that person’s emotional safety after a rupture in a relationship, and allows the hurt party to let go of the yucky feelings and move forward. 

Apologies are also a gift to the apologizer. It’s hard to apologize, of course...apologizing requires vulnerability. We don’t know how the other person will respond - will they accept our admission to the mistake and in turn, our imperfection? Apologizing can be scary because it can make us feel like we are giving up something, waving the proverbial white flag, perhaps providing ammo to be used against us at a later time! But in actuality, a genuine apology bolsters self-respect and self-worth because it’s a sign of maturity. We are owning the part of the interaction where we’ve messed up. If the hurt party is open enough to hear us, their respect for us might just go up a notch. 

The final gift is to the relationship. Apologies are necessary to work towards repairing relationship ruptures. All relationships have disagreements and conflicts from time to time; how frequently those conflicts arise depends on how attuned we are to our partner’s needs and sensitivities, as well as our own capacity to regulate our emotions. But it’s how the conflict is handled that counts. This is supported by literature around couples therapy, which universally stresses that ruptures are inevitable, and it’s the repair that’s most important for maintaining healthy and mutually satisfying intimate relationships. 

Genuine vs. half-assed apologies

Look, we’re not stupid. We can sense when an apology is not genuine, when the person saying the words are just trying to get it over with. Imagine the tone, “Well, SOR-RY!” or the words “I’m sorry you feel this way,” as if there was something wrong with you for feeling that way. Whether we’re the person giving the apology or receiving it, in the absence of a genuine apology that offers empathy and contrition, half-assed apologies can wreak havoc on connection. It often leaves the hurt party more hurt, upset and distant. And if it happens over and over in a relationship, it can tear apart an otherwise well meaning couple. 

Think of it as a compilation of small cuts that receive inadequate care. Without antiseptic, bandage, and attention...they scar, over and over again. One cut doesn’t do harm, but many little cuts signal a threat to our sense of emotional safety and get our defenses up. No wonder one argument leads to a totally different unresolved issue! We’re less likely to share our true feelings, make bids for closeness, and trust that our person will show up to help us heal, bandage in hand.

Learning to accept apologies

As important as the apology itself is, the hurt party needs to be willing to receive the apology,  as long as the trespass is not abusive. If we dismiss the apology by saying, “Eh, not a big deal..no need to apologize...it is what it is,” we send the message that their words or actions didn’t warrant a repair. When your partner genuinely wants to make amends, that response can come across as minimizing their efforts. As noted earlier, the apology is for the apologizer too. 

In a different scenario, if we keep shaming the person for their mistake, even when they’re genuinely apologizing, we reinforce that apologies are no good here -  aka, “Your apology doesn’t fix anything and I’m gonna stay mad at you anyways!” That’s you holding the grievance over your partner in a way they can never pay back. You’re essentially ignoring the cut or shoving it in their face without allowing them to tend to it. 

Instead, try this: thank the apologizer for the apology. “I appreciate you for owning your part. Your apology means a lot to me.” This is the most helpful response for mending the wound and the relationship. It honors the cut and opens the doors for proper healing...scar tissues don’t stand a chance here!

The 9 elements of an effective apology*

Now that we’ve covered why apologies are important, genuine versus half-assed ones and the essence of accepting apologies, let’s talk about what makes for an effective apology. 

So what exactly makes a “good” apology? Lerner highlights nine keys to an apology that works: 

1. No “buts”. “I’m sorry, but…” cancels out whatever was said prior to the “but.” It infers to the hurt party, “I’m sorry but I’m actually not that sorry.” 

2. Apologize for your actions/words, not for the hurt person’s response to those actions/words. Don’t say, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” because it implies that the hurt person is to blame for receiving the trespass as they did. Instead, we must take accountability by saying, “I’m sorry I did/said that to you.” 

3. A good apology offers restitution. In other words, try to make up for it. If you bailed on a commitment, reschedule and be sure to show up.

4. Be mindful of over-doing your apology. If you apologize profusely and don’t let up, this interrupts the repair exchange. As Lerner delicately notes, it’s annoying. What’s more, if you over-apologize and add things like, “I’m the worst, I’m such a piece of shit!” you’re victimizing yourself and requiring the hurt party to then tend to your self-deprecation. Please don’t do that, it’s unfair. 

5. There shouldn’t be an expectation that the other person apologizes as well. If you eff’d up, you eff’d up. Take ownership for your role in the conflict. If the other person also eff’d up, they should be able to come to that conclusion on their own. It doesn’t matter who started it. 

6. Mean it when you say it won’t happen again. True apologies require that you stop repeating the same harmful behavior. This can be difficult with habitual responses, but if you’re genuinely sorry, you need to make a conscious effort to stop doing/saying the harmful thing. 

7. Apologies shouldn’t be used to silence the other person. Depending on the delivery, apologies can be used to get the other person to shut up. This makes me think of the ol’, “Yes dear, I’m sorry dear, you’re right dear.” This is dismissive, disingenuous, and you’re being an ass-hat. 

8. Don’t apologize just to ease a guilty conscience. A true apology should not serve to make you feel better if it might harm the other person. It’s not an apology if it’s for the sake of your own healing. This might be the case when someone is setting boundaries and has requested that you give them space and stop contacting them.

9. Expect nothing in return. Finally, when we apologize, you shouldn’t be asking the hurt party to do anything. You shouldn’t expect forgiveness or reassurance that you are well-intended. You give the apology for the other person’s sake and that’s it. No strings attached.  

Easy-peasy, right? *Buzzer sound.* This stuff is hard AF, but such important work. In my next post, I’ll share more about our defenses during apologies and the step-by-step process on how to actually give and receive them.  

In the meantime, need help making repairs in your relationship? I’ll be here. 

*Borrowed from Why Won’t You Apologize? By Harriet Lerner, PhD (2018).

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Abby Erickson is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps people with anxiety and social anxiety learn ways to better manage their angst. She also helps people struggling with low self-esteem and body image issues be comfortable in their own skin. During her time at home, she's drawing from the challenges and wins in her own relationship to help couples and individuals feel more secure in their most important relationships.

The Real Reasons Why It’s Hard to Communicate with your Partner

Photo by Hutomo Abrianto on Unsplash

Managing relationships is hard. It’s even harder during COVID-19. While we are quarantined, we spend more time together than ever... but for many people this proximity does not lead to connection. What gives? In my own relationship, I experience this dichotomy. As I reflect on the past few weeks, it has brought me to a better understanding of my relationship, what I want from my marriage, and how to show up in a way that delivers on what I desire.

My husband is not a mind reader!

Why is it that when my husband is working round the clock and I am feeling neglected, ignored, and missing him that I greet him with a cold, distant, grumpy shoulder? Instead of a warm embrace when he finally does get home from his new COVID-19 induced car office, I signal a very different message than the one I want to send. My feelings are hurt and I want to protect myself by distancing, avoiding, and offering up some choice passive-aggressive comments. A real joy, as you can imagine!

My husband has many talents, but mind reading is not one of them!

Protective actions – the great cover up

It’s not our feelings that are the problem, it is often the protective behaviors that result from our feelings that really mess us up in relationships. In my case, my intention is to reconnect with him, but instead, my behavior shows the opposite. When we communicate in this indirect way (to put it gently), our partners can only make assumptions about what is going on for us and how we are feeling based on our behaviors. Then they will react to our reaction and we are off to the races! As a result, we end up getting in our cycle as we call it in Emotionally Focused Therapy. Our cycle is basically our pattern of communication when we fight that leaves us both feeling stuck and disconnected.

This cycle can set the tone for the rest of the evening, or worse, the next few days.

Why it’s hard to communicate our heartfelt feelings

There are a myriad of reasons why it’s hard to say things as they really are. Sometimes a lot of emotions are wrapped up in it. The timing might not be great. Both of you have had a long day. After all these years, you just want them to have figured it out by now, which goes back to the mind reading. 

If I have to distill down the key elements that get in the way of us communicating what’s really going on, here they are:

Lack of awareness

Oftentimes we don’t really even know how we are feeling and what we are needing in our relationships. It’s so much easier to focus on our partner’s behavior and point the finger at them than it is to look inward and really pay attention to our own feelings and needs. But then we get stuck in the anger, resentment, anxiety, depression...etc. We often don’t know how to get past that. 

We develop our sense of self and other at a very young age and then develop strategies for dealing with these beliefs. James Hollis, a Jungian Analyst, calls these anxiety management strategies. These beliefs of self and other and our strategies for managing them are often out of our awareness. Unless we become more aware of our own anxiety management strategies, we can become a prisoner to our behaviors.

Strategies that no longer work

These tactics for managing our needs and getting through life were developed for a good reason. They helped us get through hard times and protected us in a world when we had little power growing up. These strategies served a purpose. They only become a problem if they start to interfere with how we go about life now. We know we’ve outgrown these anxiety management strategies when we default to them and they cause us relationship distress, loneliness, anxiety, and depression. They can be self-defeating and unintentionally damaging to our most important relationships.

How we were taught

The way we have been socialized from a young age can also interfere with our ability to communicate our feelings as well as our needs. To put simply, in a culture that values achievement, many men have learned that their value comes from solving and fixing. They often enter into a conversation with their sleeves rolled up and ready to tackle the problem! Don’t get me wrong, these are the best of intentions! It’s just not always what their partner might be looking for. It can be confusing for a man when his partner says, “I want you to be with me, not do for me.”

Women, on the other hand, are often socialized to be caretakers whose greatest value is to care for other people. Sometimes, we get the message that the needs of others are more important than our own needs. As a result, we grow up learning to deny our own needs in service to this caretaking ideal. We can feel so bad about having needs that we talk ourselves out of asking for what is important to us. When our needs are not met, the frustration that results seeps out in indirect ways. Again, it would be so much easier if our spouses could read our minds!

Then of course, women can also be socialized to fix and problem solve and men to caretake.

Vulnerability is scary and hard work

Another reason we tend to shy away from honest communication is that it can be really scary to put ourselves out there. If you share with your partner your deepest fears and needs, will they be there for you? If you let them see you for who you really are, will they still love you, stay with you, care for you? Will they take you seriously? Or will you be too much for them? 

In the face of uncertainty and possible rejection, it’s safer and easier to give them the cold shoulder. 

A fuzzy signal

When we use protective actions and words to convey our feelings instead of speaking up directly from our hearts, our signal gets a little fuzzy… and it is difficult for our partners to understand what we are really asking for and needing. We end up implying something, sometimes the opposite of what we want or need, and we get frustrated when our partner gets it wrong. That’s a no win situation. 

Someone once put it this way, “My partner was communicating with a radio frequency I wasn’t tuned into. I just heard the static.”

How I overcame

In my own case, I initially had little awareness of how I was really feeling and what I needed from my husband. Without that awareness, I couldn’t find the words to express myself. I expected my husband to know what I needed and tend to those needs, even though I didn’t know them myself. That’s a tall order!

It took all of dinner for me to realize that I miss this man and that I want to hear that he misses me too. When he spends long days at his new car office, it doesn’t mean that he prefers that over being home with me, with us. When I finally told him what was really going on, we talked about it and gave each other the hug we both needed. We got out of our cycle and we were no longer carrying the weight of our disconnection, alone. 

How you can overcome

When you find yourself in your cycle with our partner, what can you do about it? The first thing is to look inward. Slow down and notice what is happening in your body to get a better understanding of how you are feeling. Pay attention to what you are saying to yourself. Finally, notice what you tend to do. When you have made some sense of your emotions and protective behaviors, can you try to communicate those feelings and needs to your partner?

Understanding ourselves to understand our relationships

It’s only when we can turn the mirror to ourselves and dig deep into understanding what we need, what we fear and how we protect ourselves from those fears can we fully show up in our relationships. When we show up for ourselves, we can show up for the very important people in our lives.

If you need guidance learning how to show up in these ways, I know how to help you. I can walk you through these steps and help you be more successful in your relationship, but also in your work, family and other social interactions.

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Kristin O’Hara is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps couples find love and connection in their relationship. She also helps individuals struggling with depression, anxiety and midlife transitions. The hardest thing about the quarantine is helping her kids adjust to schooling from home. Their family sometimes drives far (no traffic!) for a pizza takeout. This usually becomes the most exciting outing for the week, or month.

What's Really Going on When You're Emotionally Triggered

Photo by Mike Von on Unsplash

It doesn’t take much to be triggered

We’re still in the middle of a global pandemic and it doesn’t take a lot to get triggered. People are not following social distancing rules. You and your partner can’t agree on how much precaution you need to take. Your parents don’t understand the severity of the situation. On top of all that, there are the stories of George Floyd, Christian Cooper, Ahmaud Arbery and Breonna Taylor. And the list goes on. 

The thing is, it’s not a matter of if you get emotionally triggered but when. When you’re triggered, it helps to slow down for a moment and notice the following*: 

1. What is your trigger? What are you reacting to? What is making you feel uneasy, riled up or vulnerable? We do not all get triggered the same way by the same things. Identify your trigger.

2. What is your body telling you? It takes a fraction of a second for an alarm bell to show up in our bodies. Where are you feeling the sensation in your body? Some people talk about their muscles tensing up, their stomach fluttering, their chest feeling heavy. Your body is trying to tell you something is off. Listen to it.

3. What do you tell yourself? What often follows is an internal monologue. “Do people know how important it is to wear masks?” “Why is my mom going out again like it’s business as usual?” “Black. People. Dead. Not. Again.” Whatever you tell yourself, notice it. 

4. What are you feeling? See if you can trace an emotion to what just happened. What are you feeling? Frustration. Annoyance. Anger. Indignant. Whatever is showing up, they’re valid emotions.

5. What else are you feeling? Feelings are like layers of an onion. On the surface, you might be feeling some emotions initially. If we were to really dig deep, we often find that there are deeper emotions like sadness, hurt, fear and pain.

6. What do you want to do? Like a knee jerk reaction, you might want to yell, to lecture your mom, to seek justice. Whatever you might want to do, know that there’s a difference between wanting to do something and actually doing it. 

7. What do you really need? Is there a resolution you’re seeking?
   “I want people to know that as a nurse, we almost lost a dear colleague and we’ve lost too many patients to COVID. The grief is too great. I don’t want to see you in urgent care. Please follow CDC guidelines.”
   “Mom, I get scared when you are out and about and not maintaining social                distancing because I don’t want to lose you.” 
   “Black. Lives. Matter. We don’t get to stop spreading this message, not even for a health pandemic. We’re tired of losing our men and women. We’re sad and we’re afraid. We need you to know that we matter, not in spite of our skin color but simply because we do. We. Matter. We are an important part of society.

Slowing down and taking notice

Often, we go from trigger to action in a matter of seconds without really slowing down and noticing what’s going on for us. When you do take stock of your trigger, your body’s response, your narrative, your feelings, your action tendencies and your needs, you might find that there are various ways to deal with an external situation that that you initially may have felt you have no control over.  Even if you were to notice just some of these elements, that’s still more helpful than none at all. 

This is an exercise that needs to be experienced, rather than intellectualized. Whether it’s a systemic problem in the world or an issue in your relationship or in your individual life, how you respond to triggers is important. If you’re feeling stuck and you need help figuring out your responses, our counselors are here to help. 

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With a heavy, heavy heart,
Ada

*Ideas borrowed from Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples and individuals.

Couples in Quarantine: What to Do When your Partner is Driving you Bananas

Photo by Soroush Karimi on Unsplash

When “quality time” isn’t all that quality

Not sure about the rest of you, but this involuntary “quality time” is kicking my relationship’s ass. This, by far, is the longest and most uninterrupted one-on-one time most of us have likely had with our significant other(s). For some, maybe it’s bliss. For others, it’s frustrating as heck. It doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed forever, but you might be seeing some wrinkles and wanna iron some things out.

Your world just got smaller

The vast majority of our relationships blossomed when the world was still movin’ real fast. Maybe you were finishing up your college degree, working towards a promotion, relocating, or juggling kiddos as a single-working parent. It could have been new to cohabitate together, but independence was still an option, AKA you could leave. Now, instead of venting to your BFF over happy hour, you can go...to the other room? Not exactly the space some of us need following what Jerry Seinfeld refers to as a “spirited exchange of ideas.”

What does confinement bring out in you? 

Being confined to a certain square footage can bring out the worst, and sometimes best, in us. Maybe you are a thriving (but neurotic) home-body like myself, content with chipping away at the second round of spring cleaning… also expecting that your partner jubilantly participates :D. Maybe you need rest, blankies, and lots of internet bandwidth to support your Instagram scrolling and Hulu binges. Neither are wrong-- one does not seep of moral goodness more than the other. They’re just different, and both are okay. 

Brene Brown pointed out in her new podcast** that in times of stress and/or drastic change we tend to either overfunction or underfunction. Some of us do ALL OF THE THINGS in order to gain some false or fleeting sense of control. We organize, create, connect, and micro-manage. Some of us do ZERO OF THE THINGS. We implode internally and try to drown out the unimaginable with lots of sleep, comfort food, and maybe wine (definitely wine). When we feel overwhelmed or out of control, humans have different ways of responding. 

How to have more constructive arguments “spirited exchanges”

Mutually responsive and fulfilling relationships require both willingness to accept innate differences between ourselves and our partners, AND willingness to grow as individuals. We need to understand our emotional needs and have self-compassion for why they’re there (a huge benefit of therapy). We need to have courage and ask for these from our partner, AND we need faith that they will be willing to meet us there (therapy can also help with this). When I say meet us, I mean show up. When I say show up, I mean listen. When I say listen, I do not mean listen to respond-- I mean listen to understand. It’s impossible to hear our partner when our ego desperately fights to protect itself from shame. Instead of hearing our partner say we did a thing that was hurtful, shame creates a shit-ton of static and we hear that we are a thing that is hurtful.. This feels just ick. 

Your ego does a great job sabotaging you - but you can tame it

So what do we do when we feel ick? Try to stop it. This is our ego trying to repair itself by defending, justifying, overexplaining, or looking for faults in our partner’s story about us. While the ego’s job is to protect the “but-I’m-a-good-person” image we have of ourselves, we know it rarely leads to conflict resolution or genuine repair with our loved one. Neither party feels understood...so we try to be understood, and understood!, and UNDERSTOOD!!! until there is screaming, tears, hurt hearts, and sleepless nights. 

I was crushed (still recovering) after discovering that I, IN FACT, am capable of hurting the people I care about. Though I’d never intend to harm someone I love, I do sometimes. I am a flawed, imperfect human (SHOCK AND AWE). I don’t always say what I mean, I turn my day of poor self-esteem into a criticism grenade and throw it at my partner. It doesn’t make me a heartless butthead, it just makes me human-- makes US HUMAN. It’s a great first step to notice our protective mechanisms. Awareness and acknowledgement of the defense is a first step to learning how to respond differently. 

Get curious about yourself and your boo

There’s a lot of real crappy crap happening (and not happening) right now for all of us. Many are experiencing extreme grief, trauma, anxiety, or depression. It’s hard to be our best selves with so much unknown...so much loss...so much change...so much isolation. We’ve got differing opinions around how to best respond to this. Differences are hard. Please be patient with yourself around however you’re showing up to this, and please be patient with your loved one. Get curious about how your partner might be coping with these circumstances, how it’s impacting them. Are they over or underfunctioning? Are you over or underfunctioning? Can you talk about these things AND LISTEN to your partner with compassion...to really understand? And then… can you really apologize for your role in any hurt?  That’s for next time. 

Your SOS

If you’re having a hard time with this stuff, I can be your SOS. We can talk about your patterns and how you can get your needs met and meet the needs of your significant other. It’s ok to reach out for help. In fact, that’s one of the bravest things you can do right now, to use this quarantine time to work on your relationship, when both of you are home. Our therapists trained in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy get it, and we’re here for you to figure this out, together.  

*Some ideas from this blog was borrowed from Harriet Lerner’s Why Won’t You Apologize? Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts.

**Unlocking Us, podcast by Brene Brown.

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Abby Erickson is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps people with anxiety and social anxiety learn ways to better manage their angst. She also helps people struggling with low self-esteem and body image issues be comfortable in their own skin. During her time at home, she's drawing from the challenges and wins in her own relationship to help couples and individuals feel more secure in their most important relationships. She strongly believes feeling safe and secure with the people you rely on during a health pandemic can be just as important as having a stockpile of wine.

The Subtle Communication in Relationships and Why it Matters so Much

We got this, right?

I'm on Orlando grounds writing this. Having written about a happily ever after wedding, it seems timely that my husband and I have been here for this past week, hanging out at Disney World and its rival, Universal Studios. Having traveled together, we've gotten into a groove. But every time we go somewhere new, there's a subtle shift in our routine.

This time, it involves a water bottle.

It's hot and humid in Orlando and we try to stay hydrated. This translates to me having to pee often. Usually, there's a water fountain by the bathroom and that's also the time when I'd have my husband do re-fills so we can save time.

I thought we have this routine down, until three days in, I again handed him the bottle before I slipped into the bathroom in a hurry. I came out to the same water level. “Husband?!” I joked, as I looked down at my water bottle. He was puzzled. He thought I had wanted him to hold onto it and that was it.

What was going on in my head

Now, I could've interpreted this many different ways:

“Husband doesn't care about me”

“Husband was distracted by the attractions at the Animal Kingdom”

“I didn't say so; hence, he didn't know”

“Why do I need to spell it out? Shouldn't he know by now?”

And depending on how close, connected and accepting I feel towards him, my interpretation, and hence my response, would differ.

Imagine if we've been fighting at the “happiest place on earth”, I'll be more prone to see this as further evidence of his insensitivity. And given we're on good terms, and I know he cares and loves me, I can joke about it.

We cannot NOT communicate

We're constantly communicating to and with our partner. Whether it's a handing over of a water bottle, a shrug, a turning away, or a leaning in. We cannot NOT communicate. And depending on the state of our relationship, a simple withdrawing of the hand can have huge implications.

“You don't care about me.”

“I don't matter to you.”

“You don't want to hold my hand.”

“Here we go again!”

“What's the matter with you?”

“I can't make you happy!”

It's tiring when we're stuck at seeing ourselves and our partners in this way. There is a reason why this happens. It's because our attachment to our partner is not too different than an infant's attachment to his/her caregiver.

Longing for connection with our partner

Psychologist Sue Johnson, co-founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, speaks about a dance that we get into with our partners. To summarize, here are the rough steps:

• we invite connection with our partner by reaching for them. We're basically asking, “Are you there for me? Are we still connected?”
• if we don't see a response, we protest and push for one. “It's too frightening to see that we're disconnected and so out comes Anger from Inside Out.”
• If there continues to be a lack of response, or the protesting becomes too much, we turn away or shut down as a way of coping. “It hurts too much to feel rejected, or I feel too threatened when I'm attacked. I need to hide out to protect myself.”
• as a step up from protest and push, we melt down and frantically demand from our partner as a last resort. “Hello, anybody home?! Don't withdraw from me; this hurts too much!!!”
• in a secure relationship, we find a way to turn back to each other and reconnect. “You're really important to me and to be reassured and comforted by you is all that I really need.”

Along with developmental psychologist Edward Tronick, Johnson made a short clip demonstrating how we've been doing this dance since infancy:

Here's an earlier blog that explains this experiment further (How to Talk to your Partner about your Problems and Why this Works). 

Back to the water bottle

To the extent that I know my husband and I were still connected and he didn't perceive my teasing as criticism, we averted the full dance. That is not to say that we won't ever go back to moments of painful disconnection; rather, we'll find a way to each other again.

I love how Johnson quoted Walt Whitman at the end, “We were together, I forget the rest.”

Need help?

Navigating this dance is hard work. Need some coaching help? Give me a call!

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Ada Pang, MS, LMFT is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond counseling practice in WA. She loves helping distressed couples learn to connect in a safe and secure way. When she's not working hard, she's playing hard. Her favorite Orlando theme park was Epcot and her favorite rides were Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey, Expedition Everest, Soarin' and Despicable Me: Minion Mayhem. Nemo the Musical was also quite amazing!

Have you Forgotten your Happily Ever After?

Conscious coupling

I recently came back from my cousin's wedding. It was a gorgeous day, cloudy and 70's outside. Inside a beautiful gazebo, we witnessed the story of two people who met at work, started dating, and will continue to work together and go home together. Their vows spoke perfection: a promise to care and hold each other. The bride couldn't keep a dry eye. Outside, they topped it off with a popsicle vendor. I had a raspberry coconut. Amazing!

At the reception, it was Disney themed. Happily ever after. We sat at the Beauty and the Beast table and wrote in a card that they will read at their 10th year anniversary. I don't remember what I wrote but I meant every word of it.

Are you sure about this?

Cousin, I believe in a strong, happy marriage so keep working at it. Otherwise, I do tend to be skeptical at weddings as I question whether people really know what they're getting themselves into. Cuz picture this: at a certain time in your life, sometimes before your brain fully develops, you make a lifelong decision to commit to ONE other person. Does that sound crazy or what? And yet, people all around the world are sharing vows as I type this.

Why is it so hard?

When the adrenaline is gone, the toilet seat is up, and you realized you married your mom/dad, things are rough. Throw in the stress of raising kids, an uneven distribution of household chores, and conflict with in-laws and you have it made. What about disagreement in how you manage finances and the use of substances, food or gambling to cope with stress?

When have you ever seen Disney couples fight? All you see is the kiss that ends the tale. Is happily ever after even possible?

Be prepared to work hard

I want to say yes, but be prepared to work your butt off. Relationships are hard work. You're either building up your partner or you're tearing them down; drawing them close or pushing them away. As psychiatrist Robert Waldinger might add, “Relationships are messy, complicated, and the hard work of attending to family and friends are not sexy, but lifelong.” Happily ever after is in the daily grind of doing the small things that would create safety and security for your partner to come close and for them to do the same for you.

Are you ready?

Often times by the time couples come into my office, they've forgotten the vows said years ago. How I so want the DeLorean time machine from BTTF so I can witness their wedding, their longing for each other til death do them apart. And sometimes, I have the privilege of catching glimpses of that hope, the love once shared, but we have to dig through the mud to get there.

Patterns of relating take years to form but possibly only months to unravel and rebuild. Would it be worth it to devote an hour a week to deepen a connection that will last a lifetime? Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) has shown such results! Compared to a 35% success rate with other forms of couple therapy, 86% of couples "report feeling happier in their relationships" with EFT. 

If happily ever after is what you're striving for, give me a call!

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Ada Pang, MS, LMFT is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond counseling practice in WA. She loves helping distressed couples learn to connect in a safe and secure way. She enjoys the Seattle summers and last week, went SUPing with her husband on Lake WA. At one point he tied his ankle bracelet to her paddle board. Let's just say it was a bad idea. 

Want to Live Happier, Longer, Healthier? Here's how

Andy Dean/stock.adobe.com

The Grant Study

Robert Waldinger, the 4th and current director of the Harvard study of adult development tracked the lives of a group of men for 75 years. The goal of the study was to identify the factors that predict healthy aging. The study compared Harvard graduates with a group of disadvantaged youths in Boston. They studied their medical records, which included blood work and brain scans. They also interviewed their children and captured on camera interactions with their spouses. What they learned was profound. Contrary to the belief that wealth, success, or fame will bring us happiness, “Good relationships keep us happier and healthier, period”.

Here are some lessons learned from Waldinger's study:

1. Social connections are vital to our health and well-being. Conversely, loneliness kills us. Men in the study who reported feeling lonely faced earlier declines in health and brain functioning.
2. It matters NOT the number of friends on FB or followers on Instagram and Pinterest; what's more important is the quality of our close relationships. High conflict relationships is a good predictor of poor health, whereas safe, secure relationships is a protective factor for our physical, and I would argue, mental and emotional health.
3. Good relationships keep the brain sharper and for longer. Being in a securely attached relationship at old age is a buffer against memory loss. While our relationships will not be smooth all the time, the ability to be able to count on the other can help us weather through the storms of life.

Here's Waldinger's study on Ted Talk: 

Old news

The thing is, there is nothing new under the sun. In 1988, sociologist James House studied a group of residents in MI and found that people who were social connected lived longer. With subsequent studies, House concluded that social isolation is as dangerous to our health as obesity and smoking.

In 2002, professor James Coyne noted that for men and women with congestive heart failure, a good marriage gives a person the will, “to fight their way back to health”. In fact, the quality of these patients' relationship was a good predictor for which patients will be alive four years later.

In 2006, Louise Hawkley and her colleagues published an article confirming that aging Americans who are lonely are at greater risk for increased blood pressure. And the list goes on.

Then and now

The sad thing is, Waldinger noted that at any given moment, 20% of Americans will report feeling lonely. That's no small number.

And my mind wanders to how we used to live in caves and were a part of a tribe. The men hunted and gathered and the women cleaned, cooked and cared for the kids. Imagine if one of the men woke up one day and said, “Hey buddies, not feelin' it. I think I'm just gonna stay in my cave...” It's either that he has to get up anyway because his buddies won't let him have it, or he and his family go hungry and their genes never made it.

The last I checked, the vast majority of Americans no longer live in communities. We're more mobile, moving half way across the country or across the world, away from our natural supports. We work more hours, sleep less and we are careful with the time that we do have. Who is worthy of our time? Often, that's reduced to our immediate family. And of the (fewer) relationships that we do have, we put more eggs in those baskets. Those relationships matter more to us because they are it.

In comes Emotionally Focused Therapy

Sue Johnson, the co-founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), argues that we often look to our partners to satisfy the emotional connection that people from generations ago got from a whole village. When we have such high expectations of our adult love relationships, so much is at stake.

In fact, Waldinger's findings would not surprise Johnson. She was the one who pointed to the wealth of research noted above. I have heard her argue for why James Bond would be a hot mess if he were to come into my therapy office because we are NOT meant to be unattached and self-sufficient. We are made for close, secure attachment with our significant other.

Waldinger acknowledged the "What": accounting for the presence of physical pain in men in their 80's, those in a satisfied relationship stayed happy. One of Johnson's friends, neuroscientist Jim Coan, explained the "Why": the perception of pain is curved by being in a supportive, happy relationship.

Going forward

My pledge to you is similar to that of Waldinger's: go seek out a friend and connect offline. Go mend a broken relationship. Be open to new friendships. Make small steps toward expanding your social connections.

If you long to be close and securely attached to your partner, I'm here!

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Ada Pang, MS, LMFT is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond counseling practice in WA. She's a Licensed and Marriage Therapist and she loves helping distressed couples learn to connect in a safe and secure way. When she's not meeting with clients, she loves working on her business and expanding her reach to help more hurting people. And when she's not working, she has been frequenting various farmers' market and feasting on summer fruits.