Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
If you’ve ever had a rift in your relationship, you know that apologizing is hard to do, and sometimes we could use a manual for doing it right. In Why Won’t you Apologize?, Dr. Harriet Lerner devotes a whole book to the art of apologizing. I’ve borrowed from her work to give you the keys to a stellar apology! In my last blog, I discussed the “why’s” of apologizing - why it matters, and who it is for. In part II, I identify the important elements for both the giver and the receiver of the apology. Being mindful of these things can help you make the repair process smoother with your humans, which translates to more time getting along and less time in tension and conflict.
Born defensive
In her book, Lerner refers to the mischief of defensiveness.* We are wired for defensiveness -- we want to protect the idealized image we have of ourselves. This is particularly difficult if you struggle with a shaky self-worth. When you’re in that space, you’re more likely to skew the words and hear “you are bad,” and you can easily drop into a shame-shit-storm. In those moments, you’re more vulnerable to fuse who you are with what you’ve done.
Here comes our defenses! Our subconscious brain fights and says “I’m not bad, I can’t be bad, that doesn’t fit with the image I have of who I am.” And the words come out in some version of “I’m not wrong, you’re wrong.” But we cannot offer a genuine apology in this space… because in this space, we cannot listen carefully to the hurt party’s anger and pain. Instead, we listen defensively and listen for what we don’t agree with. We listen to correct the inaccuracies, the exaggerations, the “not true” part of what our person is telling us. This prevents us from hearing them out and understanding them; this protects us from the shame of acknowledging our own mistakes.
Start with listening
Good apologies first require good listening.* The first step in being a good listener involves being tuned into ourselves enough to recognize when we aren’t ready to listen. Check in with yourself first. Are you feeling anxious, angry, or distracted? If so, let the speaking party know you’d like to listen to them but you’ve got too much white noise happening within. Ask to come back to this conversation after you have some time to ground yourself. You can do this by taking some deep breaths, going for a walk, getting your to-do-list done, or practicing grounding techniques (a quick Google search will help you find a variety of these). Figure out what you need in order to show up wholehearted and present for your person. Then follow these guidelines:*
Once you’re ready to engage, look for signs you’re getting defensive. Take a look at your body’s signals of an escalated nervous system (feeling tense, guarded)...and again, breathe. Lerner says we cannot listen with an overheated system.
Listen to discover only what you can understand and agree with. You shouldn’t be mentally making our case.
Ask questions about the parts that you don’t understand. Ask clarifying questions so that you’re really understanding what the hurt person is saying. Tone is everything with this; we cannot be curious and furious at the same time.
Offer your apology.
Let the hurt person know that you’ve heard, seen, and understood them. You can do that by reflecting back to them what they’ve said, acknowledging the feelings they shared, and summarizing with a validating statement such as “I get why this was hurtful,” or, “that makes a lot of sense to me.”
Thank the person for their honesty. Let them know you’ll continue thinking about this, invite further conversation, and make a plan for how you can do better.
Acknowledge our differences
Once you’re out of the listen-and-apologize piece, you can discuss where you disagree. Lerner emphasizes that this should not be conflicting with what you’ve already said, rather, acknowledging aspects of what your person shared that you might see differently.* We won’t agree with our person in every area all the time, and that’s okay. Intimacy requires coming to terms with our differences and learning to respect and appreciate our partner for the ways in which we’re different. We want to explore and understand these differences with curiosity and acceptance, rather than fighting to come out on top.
Hurting, party of one?
When you’re the hurt party and it’s time to share your point of view, there are also some important rules to follow.*
Keep it simple, and don’t over-talk.
Don’t blame or shame. This is VERY important, because blaming and shaming is likely to activate the other person’s defenses and you’ll be far less likely to get the acknowledgment you need. Do not blame, instead, assertively state your experience.
Use “I feel” statements, rather than “you” statements. E.g, “I felt hurt when you left me behind on the running trail.” Use your feeling words.
Don’t accuse or assume ill-intent. I (me, Abby) can speculate that most of us don’t do and say things with conscious intent to harm people we care about.
Don’t demand an apology. We want to stand on high ground as we present this information, recognizing we have zero control over the other person’s response. The healing comes from owning our story.
Owning fault is hard
If apologizing were easy, Lerner wouldn’t have written her book and I wouldn’t have written this two-part blog. We come armored with weapons to protect our sense of self and who we believe ourselves to be in the world, but those weapons can wound. Owning our mess-ups is vulnerable, as we come with all of our imperfections and hope that the person we hurt will meet us with grace. It’s a fragile process, and it takes time and practice to master. But for the sake of our loved ones, ourselves, and our precious relationships...it’s worth tending to the cuts.
If you’re struggling in your relationship and need help learning to offer healthy apologies, or receive them, our clinicians can help!
*Borrowed from Why Won’t You Apologize? By Harriet Lerner, PhD (2018).
Abby Erickson is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps people with anxiety and social anxiety learn ways to better manage their angst. She also helps people struggling with low self-esteem and body image issues be comfortable in their own skin. Since the pandemic, she has been providing counseling via telehealth. She’s enjoying not having to wear real pants. Down time in the age of Coronavirus has welcomed wine nights, hiking, and spending time with her roommate.