What I Do When I Fall in and out of Running

Not feelin’ it

I don’t like running, and I have fallen in and out of like with running for at least a decade. I suppose it’s more accurate to say I’m in a “I dislike running” phase. I first started running to get my mind off a difficult time, and I kept running when I found that I liked the meditative factor of it. Left-right-left-right, breath iiin, left-right-left-right, breath ouuut. Turns out, there’s something to it.

When we’re down in the dumps, we often want to sit in our sorrow, maybe grab a pint of ice cream and binge out in front of a light television show, or perhaps yell at a classic rom-com, “IT’S JUST NOT REAL” when the guy gets the girl. 

Just me? Yeah, I didn’t think so. 

Our body needs bilateral movement

Anyway, that’s all fine and good (in small stride) and what our bodies might also need is a little movement, a little bilateral movement. Okay, it’s going to get a bit technical here. Whether it’s walking, biking, running, swimming, what’s being activated is both sides of our brain, it’s bilateral stimulation (popular in EMDR Therapy)–that is, our brain is using both left and right hemispheres while our body is moving and taking in its surroundings.

When our brain is used in this way, we’re moving out of a “fight, flight, freeze, fawn” way of thinking into a cognitive processing way—and that’s when we are more able to feel calm, to feel relaxed. Even if it’s just a little bit, for a little time, this movement can remind our brains, and thus, our bodies, that we are okay. It’s okay. I’m okay. Over time, this reminder (even if we fake it until we make it) can help pull us out of the dumps in which we sometimes find ourselves.

Running to release 

The more I ran, the more I let go of my troubling past experience, not letting it run my mind. It wasn’t a running away from as much as it was a running through. When allowing my body to move, in a way that is calming to me, I was allowing my mind to reassess my situation, bring my awareness to the present, and be.

I’ve noticed over time, when I’m not in a “I like running” season, I’m usually focusing my movement elsewhere– like hiking, rock climbing, or dancing– and I try to remember it’s okay if I don’t stick to one activity. I have a hunch, though, that I’ll be falling back into running come autumn, the season and the season for my running stride.

What about you?

Sometimes life doesn’t go as planned, and when it doesn’t, it’s easy to forget that we may already have the tool(s) that gets us through– whether we’re currently liking it or not. Next time you find yourself at the bottom of that cookies-and-cream pint, tell yourself “It’s okay,” and then reward yourself with a little bit o’ movement, too.

Need more? 

Whether you’re needing to resume something that you know would be good for you or you’re wanting to get started on something new, I’m here for you. I know what it’s like to not feel like doing something, and to find my way back to it (time after time).

I want to help you find your way, whatever that might look like. 

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Rachel Keo is our newest clinician at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice in WA. She helps young adults and working professionals with life transitions. As a former high school teacher and a Peace Corps Volunteer and Teacher in Albania, she also has a heart for working with school personnel. When she isn’t running, she’s playing with her cattle pup, Kenji, and trekking the mountains by foot or rope. She hopes to have an opportunity to go through your life journey with you!

A Non-Holiday Blog on Self-Compassion

It’s the holidays again and I, for one, do not know how 2021 passed us by. Rather than inundating you with another blog on how to survive an endemic holiday, here’s a poem by James Crews to remind you of self-compassion to take with you into the holiday season and beyond:

Self-Compassion

My friend and I snickered the first time

we heard the meditation teacher, a grown man,

call himself honey, with a hand placed

over his heart to illustrate how we too 

might become more gentle with ourselves

and our runaway minds. It’s been years

since we sat with legs twisted on cushions,

holding back our laughter, but today

I found myself crouched on the floor again,

not meditating exactly, just agreeing

to be still, saying honey to myself each time

I thought about my husband splayed

on the couch with aching joints and fever

from a tick bite—what if he never gets better?—

or considered the threat of more wildfires,

the possible collapse of the Gulf Stream,

then remembered that in a few more minutes, 

I’d have to climb down to the cellar and empty

the bucket I placed beneath a leaky pipe

that can’t be fixed until next week. How long

do any of us really have before the body

begins to break down and empty its mysteries

into the air? Oh honey, I said—for once

without a trace of irony or blush of shame—

the touch of my own hand on my chest

like that of a stranger, oddly comforting

in spite of the facts.

- James Crews 

However you wrap up 2021, may your heart be filled with Oh honey, and your hand, self-directed, bring stillness and comfort. 

We look forward to being with you in 2022. 

With care,
The team at People Bloom

How to Take Back Control when Anxiety Hits

Photo by Alex Chernenko on Unsplash

Are you sick of anxiety being at the driver’s seat, veering you toward the safest path but keeping you from the scenic route of your life? I can help you take back the wheel and enjoy the sights again. 

We’ve all had those times where anxiety takes over. This blog is for those folks whose anxiety interferes with life and tends to run the show on the reg. Anxiety can feel like a big scary no-no, a visceral experience in our bodies that must be avoided at all costs. But avoiding the things that cause anxiety often means we’re letting fear sit in the driver’s seat, ergo missing out on all the fun. That’s shitty and sad! But I bring good news - it doesn’t have to be this way.

Say what, Abby!? I don’t have to miss out on my life anymore because I’m anxious? Tell me MORE!

Alright then I will. 

The root cause of anxiety

Let’s get back to the basics and remind ourselves just what anxiety is. At the root, anxiety is a physical experience that begins in our nervous system when it perceives a real or imagined threat. According to Polyvagal Theory (give it a Google if you’re curious), this begins at an unconscious level with something called neuroception. Neuroception is like a smoke alarm, which is necessary and important, and also a giant pain in the ass. 

When our smoke alarm is super sensitive

Have you ever lived in a place with a super sensitive smoke alarm? The ones that go off when you’re just cooking chicken? There’s no real danger, nothing is actually wrong, but the thing lets you know that THERE MAY BE PERHAPS KIND OF ALMOST A PROBLEM HERE, WITH ITS LOUD OBNOXIOUS BEEPING JUST IN CASE!?!

Some of our nervous systems work like really sensitive smoke alarms, particularly for folks with trauma history where things really haven’t been physically or emotionally safe in the past. If this sounds familiar, you’re not broken, and there’s nothing wrong with you. 

The sensitive smoke alarm likely served you well in the past to protect you from harm, but maybe not so much now. While we might not (and wouldn’t want to) completely rid ourselves of our alarm system, we can help it heal by teaching it that things are okay. 

Calibrating your smoke alarm

We teach the smoke alarm that there’s no real cause for alarm by slowly exposing ourselves to the discomfort or source of the anxiety. It’s like saying to ourselves, Danger was then. Not now. No, it wasn’t okay then, but it’s okay now. This allows us to slowly take back the wheel of our life. Many of us have reinforced our smoke alarm by avoiding anything that could set it off, which might help us avoid anxiety, but we also end up avoiding our own lives. If we avoid anything scary, it also means our smoke alarm will malfunction when things do come up because it’s so out of practice. To the smoke alarm, everything seems scary, unless we take the time to calibrate it.

How to take control of anxiety

Name those uncomfortable feelings

The first step in facing anxiety is to reframe the experience of anxiety as a really uncomfortable feeling. Humans are built to tolerate some discomfort - you’ve done it throughout your life when you pushed through that English paper, dragged through that last set of reps on the weight set, or been vulnerable with a significant other. You can do hard things. Try to figure out what it is that’s causing the anxiety and acknowledge it consciously. 

Break down the source of the anxiety - starting with the easy stuff first

Once you’ve identified the situations that you typically avoid because they bring up anxiety, you can break them down into steps that progressively get harder. Start with the easiest aspect of the discomfort, and do that until anxiety is at a manageable level. Then take it to the next step up and repeat. 

This part usually needs an example. Take social anxiety. Let’s say you just moved to Washington for a new job. You don’t know a soul and we all know how hard it is to make new friends as adults. Let’s say your company party is coming up and the thought of interacting with everyone at once sends you into a panic.

Start with baby steps.

If big groups make your heart race, start small - get to know one or two coworkers at a time first. This could look like joining the ones that seem approachable in the lunchroom at first. Then, as you get more comfortable, ask a coworker who seems like pal material to coffee (and hey, if they say no, no sweat - offer to pick some up for them when you go and bring it back and win hearts). Repeat. Over time these small steps build those office bonds. Having just one or two people in your corner makes being in large groups a little easier to face.

Take a deep breath

I know this is easier said than done. So as you’re trying new things that cause anxiety, remember to breathe through it. Deep breathing is a great tool to use to cope with the anxiety that comes up. If you notice signs of anxiety creeping up, remind yourself that your nervous system is just trying to protect you with that smoke alarm and focus on your breath. 

Open up

If you’re worried about being judged for your anxiety - that’s understandable. But you’d be surprised at how many people understand and relate to fears that you have. Next time you’re with someone you trust, bring up your fear of flying or your worries about going on that first date and see where the conversation goes.

Experiencing anxious moments is very much a part of being human.

Uncomfortable but rewarding

This process can feel yucky, but ultimately, getting on that airplane or going to that get together to make memories with your loved ones is worth it. The goal is not to feel no, null or zero anxiety. Rather, it is calibrating your smoke alarm to go off when there really is a cause for alarm, and to otherwise feel some manageable level of anxiety while still doing what you love.

This is you taking your life back.

I’m here for you

Often times, people need a little help figuring out what those baby steps look like. If that’s you, I sometimes have room on my schedule.

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Abby Erickson is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps people with anxiety and social anxiety learn ways to better manage their angst. She also helps people struggling with low self-esteem and body image issues be comfortable in their own skin. Coming out of the pandemic, she has enjoyed new restaurants, new experiences in Seattle and catching up with old friends. Her puppy training has kept her pretty busy.

What to Do when your Self-Care Activities Don’t Work

Photo by Alex Geerts on Unsplash

Most of us are not doing well

Back in July, I wrote about us entering the chronic stage of this global pandemic. Now a couple more months have passed and things are not much better. The smoke eclipsed the short summer we had left and last night’s first presidential debate was utter chaos. In light of all this, I should mention there are some people who are doing surprisingly well while social distancing, meeting online, and taking things in stride. But, that’s not most of us.

At best, many people are dipping in and out of feeling okay. At worst, they never adjusted and have been struggling since March. In the middle are people who rode the wave of crisis for a while and adapted, except the crisis never let up and they’re on the trajectory to burnout if not already there. 

2020 has been one hell of a year and we still have one more quarter to go. The quarter where Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) makes a comeback with the shorter days; the quarter where the next president will be determined; the quarter where some families will grieve their first holiday without their loved ones.

Zoom turkey is just not the same. 

You’re normal

If you’re struggling, you’re human. Some of the most ambitious, competent, adaptable and resilient people I know are struggling. It doesn’t mean you can’t hack it, because you likely have been through other trying times and made it to the other side. This time is different. It is the ripple effects of COVID, the continued disregard for Black and Brown lives, the devastating wildfires and the looming presidential election. There are countless stressful events in between that I initially listed but have decided to leave out because it gave me heart palpitations to write and re-read. If you wonder why you don’t have your shit together, it might be because you’re still processing the ramifications of the last event. Or the last few events. 

Stop trying so hard 

So, before you go off to list the self-care activities you either ought to be doing or have tried with limited results, let’s get something straight: Stop pressuring yourself to feel better. Meal prepping, going out for walks and journaling are great, but not with the undertone: This has got to work! This has helped in the past! Why can’t I get this to work?! It’s like pressuring yourself to fall asleep when you’re wide awake; good luck with that. 

Now I’m not asking you to give up, but I am urging you to approach this series of crises differently. This is not a nail you approach with a hammer or a screw you approach with a Phillips head. Rather, put down your tool and stop trying to fix things. Play Animal Crossing if you think it’s going to help you, but not because it has to. Go for a run cuz it’s a nice day out, not because you felt the runner’s high last time and you’re looking for that same effect this time. Do the activity that’s good for you, period. How you feel afterwards and whether it’ll actually help is secondary. If it does; great! If it doesn’t; it is still beneficial.

A study done on lab rats showed that even when they were forced to exercise, their mental health improved from the exercise as much as if they had chosen to hop on their wheel. How does this apply to you? Well, even if you really don't feel like it and wonder if it's even doing any good, it's better to get up and move than not. And if you can't bring yourself to do it today, there's always tomorrow. 

That brings me to my next point. 

Change your expectations 

If you have high expectations that yoga will leave you feeling all zen, and you feel just as anxious when you started if not more, then maybe you’ve tuned into all that your body was holding. These are not normal times and your usual or new coping strategies are not supposed to have the same effect. You also don’t have to do the right thing all the time. That’s exhausting. If you want some chocolate, have some chocolate. Don’t feel like jumping on that family Zoom call? Skip it. You don’t have it in you to show up for work today? Take a mental health day. You don’t have to be firing on all cylinders right now. Like, what cylinders? 

Do things that actually give you spoons

Lastly, not all coping mechanisms are created equal. If you both like to mow the lawn and you like the outcome of a mowed lawn, then all the power to you. For many other coping skills, we may like the feeling of having done it after the fact but not in the moment. So, if marinating chicken for tomorrow’s dinner feels too effortful at the moment and it will actually take away your spoons, then Trader Joe’s pre-made Koma Fish Curry sounds pretty good and just needs a trip in the microwave. The dishes are too much today? Let’s try again tomorrow. Instead, watch three episodes of Queer Eye over a frozen burrito. It might just replenish your spoons. Might. 

We’re here for you 

If you need help with your self-care activities, our trained therapists are here for you. We understand because there are times when we’re going through the same things and have needed to tap into our toolbox to stay sane. We want to help you develop yours.

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Ada Pang is the owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. She recently dyed her hair at home to switch things up. The last time she dyed her own hair was in high school. While it didn’t make everything better and it wasn’t supposed to, it was something she is reminded of everyday. It did help. A bit.

The Real Reasons Why It’s Hard to Communicate with your Partner

Photo by Hutomo Abrianto on Unsplash

Managing relationships is hard. It’s even harder during COVID-19. While we are quarantined, we spend more time together than ever... but for many people this proximity does not lead to connection. What gives? In my own relationship, I experience this dichotomy. As I reflect on the past few weeks, it has brought me to a better understanding of my relationship, what I want from my marriage, and how to show up in a way that delivers on what I desire.

My husband is not a mind reader!

Why is it that when my husband is working round the clock and I am feeling neglected, ignored, and missing him that I greet him with a cold, distant, grumpy shoulder? Instead of a warm embrace when he finally does get home from his new COVID-19 induced car office, I signal a very different message than the one I want to send. My feelings are hurt and I want to protect myself by distancing, avoiding, and offering up some choice passive-aggressive comments. A real joy, as you can imagine!

My husband has many talents, but mind reading is not one of them!

Protective actions – the great cover up

It’s not our feelings that are the problem, it is often the protective behaviors that result from our feelings that really mess us up in relationships. In my case, my intention is to reconnect with him, but instead, my behavior shows the opposite. When we communicate in this indirect way (to put it gently), our partners can only make assumptions about what is going on for us and how we are feeling based on our behaviors. Then they will react to our reaction and we are off to the races! As a result, we end up getting in our cycle as we call it in Emotionally Focused Therapy. Our cycle is basically our pattern of communication when we fight that leaves us both feeling stuck and disconnected.

This cycle can set the tone for the rest of the evening, or worse, the next few days.

Why it’s hard to communicate our heartfelt feelings

There are a myriad of reasons why it’s hard to say things as they really are. Sometimes a lot of emotions are wrapped up in it. The timing might not be great. Both of you have had a long day. After all these years, you just want them to have figured it out by now, which goes back to the mind reading. 

If I have to distill down the key elements that get in the way of us communicating what’s really going on, here they are:

Lack of awareness

Oftentimes we don’t really even know how we are feeling and what we are needing in our relationships. It’s so much easier to focus on our partner’s behavior and point the finger at them than it is to look inward and really pay attention to our own feelings and needs. But then we get stuck in the anger, resentment, anxiety, depression...etc. We often don’t know how to get past that. 

We develop our sense of self and other at a very young age and then develop strategies for dealing with these beliefs. James Hollis, a Jungian Analyst, calls these anxiety management strategies. These beliefs of self and other and our strategies for managing them are often out of our awareness. Unless we become more aware of our own anxiety management strategies, we can become a prisoner to our behaviors.

Strategies that no longer work

These tactics for managing our needs and getting through life were developed for a good reason. They helped us get through hard times and protected us in a world when we had little power growing up. These strategies served a purpose. They only become a problem if they start to interfere with how we go about life now. We know we’ve outgrown these anxiety management strategies when we default to them and they cause us relationship distress, loneliness, anxiety, and depression. They can be self-defeating and unintentionally damaging to our most important relationships.

How we were taught

The way we have been socialized from a young age can also interfere with our ability to communicate our feelings as well as our needs. To put simply, in a culture that values achievement, many men have learned that their value comes from solving and fixing. They often enter into a conversation with their sleeves rolled up and ready to tackle the problem! Don’t get me wrong, these are the best of intentions! It’s just not always what their partner might be looking for. It can be confusing for a man when his partner says, “I want you to be with me, not do for me.”

Women, on the other hand, are often socialized to be caretakers whose greatest value is to care for other people. Sometimes, we get the message that the needs of others are more important than our own needs. As a result, we grow up learning to deny our own needs in service to this caretaking ideal. We can feel so bad about having needs that we talk ourselves out of asking for what is important to us. When our needs are not met, the frustration that results seeps out in indirect ways. Again, it would be so much easier if our spouses could read our minds!

Then of course, women can also be socialized to fix and problem solve and men to caretake.

Vulnerability is scary and hard work

Another reason we tend to shy away from honest communication is that it can be really scary to put ourselves out there. If you share with your partner your deepest fears and needs, will they be there for you? If you let them see you for who you really are, will they still love you, stay with you, care for you? Will they take you seriously? Or will you be too much for them? 

In the face of uncertainty and possible rejection, it’s safer and easier to give them the cold shoulder. 

A fuzzy signal

When we use protective actions and words to convey our feelings instead of speaking up directly from our hearts, our signal gets a little fuzzy… and it is difficult for our partners to understand what we are really asking for and needing. We end up implying something, sometimes the opposite of what we want or need, and we get frustrated when our partner gets it wrong. That’s a no win situation. 

Someone once put it this way, “My partner was communicating with a radio frequency I wasn’t tuned into. I just heard the static.”

How I overcame

In my own case, I initially had little awareness of how I was really feeling and what I needed from my husband. Without that awareness, I couldn’t find the words to express myself. I expected my husband to know what I needed and tend to those needs, even though I didn’t know them myself. That’s a tall order!

It took all of dinner for me to realize that I miss this man and that I want to hear that he misses me too. When he spends long days at his new car office, it doesn’t mean that he prefers that over being home with me, with us. When I finally told him what was really going on, we talked about it and gave each other the hug we both needed. We got out of our cycle and we were no longer carrying the weight of our disconnection, alone. 

How you can overcome

When you find yourself in your cycle with our partner, what can you do about it? The first thing is to look inward. Slow down and notice what is happening in your body to get a better understanding of how you are feeling. Pay attention to what you are saying to yourself. Finally, notice what you tend to do. When you have made some sense of your emotions and protective behaviors, can you try to communicate those feelings and needs to your partner?

Understanding ourselves to understand our relationships

It’s only when we can turn the mirror to ourselves and dig deep into understanding what we need, what we fear and how we protect ourselves from those fears can we fully show up in our relationships. When we show up for ourselves, we can show up for the very important people in our lives.

If you need guidance learning how to show up in these ways, I know how to help you. I can walk you through these steps and help you be more successful in your relationship, but also in your work, family and other social interactions.

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Kristin O’Hara is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps couples find love and connection in their relationship. She also helps individuals struggling with depression, anxiety and midlife transitions. The hardest thing about the quarantine is helping her kids adjust to schooling from home. Their family sometimes drives far (no traffic!) for a pizza takeout. This usually becomes the most exciting outing for the week, or month.

What's Really Going on When You're Emotionally Triggered

Photo by Mike Von on Unsplash

It doesn’t take much to be triggered

We’re still in the middle of a global pandemic and it doesn’t take a lot to get triggered. People are not following social distancing rules. You and your partner can’t agree on how much precaution you need to take. Your parents don’t understand the severity of the situation. On top of all that, there are the stories of George Floyd, Christian Cooper, Ahmaud Arbery and Breonna Taylor. And the list goes on. 

The thing is, it’s not a matter of if you get emotionally triggered but when. When you’re triggered, it helps to slow down for a moment and notice the following*: 

1. What is your trigger? What are you reacting to? What is making you feel uneasy, riled up or vulnerable? We do not all get triggered the same way by the same things. Identify your trigger.

2. What is your body telling you? It takes a fraction of a second for an alarm bell to show up in our bodies. Where are you feeling the sensation in your body? Some people talk about their muscles tensing up, their stomach fluttering, their chest feeling heavy. Your body is trying to tell you something is off. Listen to it.

3. What do you tell yourself? What often follows is an internal monologue. “Do people know how important it is to wear masks?” “Why is my mom going out again like it’s business as usual?” “Black. People. Dead. Not. Again.” Whatever you tell yourself, notice it. 

4. What are you feeling? See if you can trace an emotion to what just happened. What are you feeling? Frustration. Annoyance. Anger. Indignant. Whatever is showing up, they’re valid emotions.

5. What else are you feeling? Feelings are like layers of an onion. On the surface, you might be feeling some emotions initially. If we were to really dig deep, we often find that there are deeper emotions like sadness, hurt, fear and pain.

6. What do you want to do? Like a knee jerk reaction, you might want to yell, to lecture your mom, to seek justice. Whatever you might want to do, know that there’s a difference between wanting to do something and actually doing it. 

7. What do you really need? Is there a resolution you’re seeking?
   “I want people to know that as a nurse, we almost lost a dear colleague and we’ve lost too many patients to COVID. The grief is too great. I don’t want to see you in urgent care. Please follow CDC guidelines.”
   “Mom, I get scared when you are out and about and not maintaining social                distancing because I don’t want to lose you.” 
   “Black. Lives. Matter. We don’t get to stop spreading this message, not even for a health pandemic. We’re tired of losing our men and women. We’re sad and we’re afraid. We need you to know that we matter, not in spite of our skin color but simply because we do. We. Matter. We are an important part of society.

Slowing down and taking notice

Often, we go from trigger to action in a matter of seconds without really slowing down and noticing what’s going on for us. When you do take stock of your trigger, your body’s response, your narrative, your feelings, your action tendencies and your needs, you might find that there are various ways to deal with an external situation that that you initially may have felt you have no control over.  Even if you were to notice just some of these elements, that’s still more helpful than none at all. 

This is an exercise that needs to be experienced, rather than intellectualized. Whether it’s a systemic problem in the world or an issue in your relationship or in your individual life, how you respond to triggers is important. If you’re feeling stuck and you need help figuring out your responses, our counselors are here to help. 

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With a heavy, heavy heart,
Ada

*Ideas borrowed from Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples and individuals.

The Truth Hurts, and that’s Not Just the Song - Part II

Photo by Charles Deluvio on Unsplash

In my last post, I declared my fandom for Lizzo, briefly introduced Health at Every Size (HAES) and disputed the BMI myth. 

Today, I want to tell you more about HAES and how it’s disrupting the way we see ourselves, for the better.

Why Diets Don’t Work

Can you think of anyone that has lost a significant amount of weight by intentional dieting, especially within a short period of time and not gained any of it back? It’s unlikely, because diets have a 95% fail rate.* Our bodies all have something called a “set weight point,” which is basically a happy place that our bodies naturally like to hang out in. It fluctuates either direction about ten pounds, dependent on a slew of factors including hormones, water, and bowel (yes that means poop). When we try to defy it with restrictive diets, our metabolism slows and our body does whatever it can to get us back to home base. That’s because our body is trying to keep us alive! Yo-yo dieting messes with our metabolism, hunger/fullness hormones, and in addition to weight gain, has worse long-term health outcomes than not dieting at all. 

When it’s never enough 

If you, like myself, have been a historic yoyo dieter… you’ve probably noticed that even in the times you do manage to “lose the weight,” you’re not completely satisfied. There’s always more to go - five more pounds, one more size down, one less pinch of extra skin on your hips. It’s never enough, even when it was supposed to be. Most of us really never have that “Hells yes, I’m done!” moment where everything in life seems in place once we lose the weight or fit into the pants. Even those in the thinnest bodies have insecurities, and would change things about themselves if they could. Then what does that tell us? It’s not about the weight. We’re looking for something else. It could be a sense of control… maybe acceptance. Perhaps some sort of “good enough-ness.” It’s okay to ask for help to begin to peel back these layers when we’re ready. 

When food is food

What if we could create a culture where food is just food? We eat what makes our bodies feel good, in honor of what our bodies do for us, and not our clothing size. When we aren’t denying ourselves by numbers and caloric deficits, it’s amazing how food begins to lose its power; a power that humans ascribe to it. Down with the food rules. Instead, we should be listening to our bodies tell us what to put in it that makes us feel our best...and how we choose to move it, move it. 

The importance of physical activity

Speaking of movin’ it, one of the best predictors of long-term health is regular activity. Rather than using exercise to compensate for consumed calories, reduce guilt, or as punishment, we should be finding ways to honor and appreciate our bodies through movement that we actually enjoy. Our bodies do a lot for us, and they deserve a little (or a lot of) appreciation. Not everyone has the privilege of mobility...but those of us who are able-bodied are able to jump, dance, walk, and play. And that should count for something. Ya don’t have to love your body all the time, or even like it. We just hope that you can despise it less and appreciate it more. And even though your body does cool stuff for you, it’s just the shell we call home for our short time in this life. There’s a whole self inside of you who holds your true worth, and your sense of self is not contingent on the shell you reside in.

How Health at Every Size is changing the game

The HAES movement is pushing for change. Instead of an obsession with losing weight, we want to lose the weight stigma, and educate the public on empirically supported indicators of health and well-being.

The Official Health At Every Size® Principles*: 

1. Weight Inclusivity: Accept and respect the inherent diversity of body shapes and sizes and reject the idealizing or pathologizing of specific weights. 

2. Health Enhancement: Support health policies that improve and equalize access to information and services, and personal practices that improve human well-being, including attention to individual physical, economic, social, spiritual, emotional, and other needs. 

3. Respectful Care: Acknowledge our biases, and work to end weight discrimination, weight stigma, and weight bias. Provide information and services from an understanding that socio-economic status, race, gender, sexual orientation, age, and other identities impact weight stigma, and support environments that address these inequities. 

4. Eating for Well-being: Promote flexible, individualized eating based on hunger, satiety, nutritional needs, and pleasure, rather than any externally regulated eating plan focused on weight control. 

5. Life-Enhancing Movement: Support physical activities that allow people of all sizes, abilities, and interests to engage in enjoyable movement, to the degree that they choose. 

But wait, there’s more! 

The information above is just scratching the surface. There are A TON of fantastic resources available for HAES informed material and oh-so-much greatness to learn. I know it’s peak season for diet culture. So instead of Googling “best weight-loss plans for 2020”, I hope you do yourself the favor of leaning into the resources below:

https://www.sizediversityandhealth.org/index.asp

https://haescommunity.com/find/

Instagram: #haes 
(This hashtag will connect you to various body positive/HAES informed accounts of professionals, advocates, and just regular bad-ass people)

*Data Borrowed from -
Body Respect: What Conventional Health Books Get Wrong, Leave Out, and Just Plain Fail to Understand about Weight by Lindo Bacon and Lucy Aphramor.

And https://www.sizediversityandhealth.org/content.asp?id=152

Lastly, if these resources aren’t enough and you need a professional to be with you on this journey of self-care, come see me. Let’s get you started on self-love.  

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Abby Erickson is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps people with anxiety and social anxiety learn ways to better manage their angst. She also helps people struggling with low self-esteem and body image issues be comfortable in their own skin. She longs to help create a world where women and men learn to love their bodies.

The Truth Hurts, and that’s Not Just the Song - Part 1

Photo by Iyunmai on Unsplash

The latest celebrity gossip 

In case you haven’t been keeping up with the latest celebrity gossip, I have some tea for you! Fitness trainer Jillian Michaels was heavily criticized for a post on social media. This had nothing to do with her workouts, but it had everything to do with her body shaming musical artist Lizzo about her size and insinuating that she’s at risk for diabetes.

There was a lot of backlash on social media for this inaccurate statement. Let’s get one thing straight: Lizzo plays two-hour shows while singing, dancing, twerking, AND playing the flute...in heels. That woman has got some serious stamina!

Health at every size 

Michael’s comment is a reminder that a lot of the world still needs to catch up with the progressive Health at Every Size (HAES) movement, pioneered by the brilliant and courageous Linda Bacon. If you’re not familiar with HAES, please keep reading because the following information could be life-changing. It sure has been for me. 

Negative word association 

Our culture has stigmatized folks in larger bodies for decades. Think of the word “fat”... what comes up for you? Did you get a little spike of anxiety? Maybe a mental image of a larger-bodied person eating a super-sized meal? What words do you associate with “fat”? If you can only think of negative words and images, you’re not alone. 

Our culture has long taught us that fatness is associated with laziness, gluttony, grossness, and overall badness. It is easy to gloss through these words and carry on as if they don’t have an impact. Except they do. Take a moment with these words: Laziness. Gluttony. Grossness. Badness. There’s nothing good about these descriptions. 

Fat people are often treated worse than people who are so called, “skinny.” Society tells us that fatness always equals unhealthiness. This belief is perpetuated by misinformed medical/wellness professionals who use illegitimate measures of health based on weight. 

The BMI myth

The labels most commonly tacked onto fat folks are “obese” and “overweight,” which both originated from the Body Mass Index (BMI), an algebreic calculation used as an indicator for health risk based on height and weight ONLY.* It does not account for a lot of other variables to make our bodies different: water, hormones, bone density, muscle mass, activity level or other factors. By this measure, Lebron James would be flagged as overweight. If medical professionals are only using the BMI chart as a reference, they’d let him know that his knees might stop hurting if he dropped some lbs. Even though the medical field knows better than to actually apply this measure to athletes, it is still often applied to the general public.

Taking back the label

HAES proposes that if the BMI measure is BS, so are the labels. The words “obese” and “overweight” have implications of poor health, which isn’t an accurate experience of every larger-bodied person. We’ve all seen this: some larger-bodied people can run a half marathon while other “model-looking” individuals have trouble climbing a small hill. Someone’s size does not tell us the whole picture about a person’s health and capabilities! 

Because of this, people in large bodies are reclaiming the word “fat” as an identifier and working to end the stigma. Just as someone can be neutrally tall or short, they can be neutrally fat or thin…and all of it is okay. 

Learning to be okay with your body

If you’re struggling with living life as a person who identifies as fat, I see you. Maybe you’re struggling with living life as a perfectly imperfect-bodied person, I also see you. When I think back at a comic of a young average-sized woman in front of a mirror, asking, “Which bit would you alter first?” I really liked the response of the woman across from her, perhaps it’s mom or someone from the medical profession: “The culture.” 

Come on in if you’d like help learning to be okay with your body. Let’s help you love your body for all that it has to offer you!

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Abby Erickson is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps people with anxiety and social anxiety learn ways to better manage their angst. She also helps people struggling with low self-esteem and body image issues be comfortable in their own skin. She longs to help create a world where women and men learn to love their bodies.

5 Tips for Getting Through the Holiday Dinner with Dietary Restrictions

Photo by Christiann Koepke on Unsplash

Time for another “how to get through the holidays” blog! Today, I’m going commiserate with you about how hard it is to eat around other people when you have food restrictions. This is especially true around the holidays. 

Holidays with people you don’t know well

There’s a reason there are so many advice columns for how to get through holiday gatherings, and it’s not because we are all socially inept knuckleheads. We need special guidance during the holidays because it’s the season for spending quality time with family but also a mixed bag of acquaintances we don’t know well. In daily life, our friends know us, including our quirky dietary restrictions, and they accept us for who we are. We share common interest with our chosen family and probably feel a little less pressure and judgment from the kickball team, your best buds at happy hour, or the book club gals. During the holidays you’re trapped around a table with your disapproving in-laws, your boss’ wife, or your Uncle Waylon, and they quickly remind you that your food preferences are, for a lack of a better word, weird.

Where there’s a holiday, there will be food.

If you’re one of the many people trying to follow a strict diet this season, this is for you. Dietary restrictions are becoming more common than ever. If you’ve hosted a gathering in the last few years and tried to accommodate everyone’s preferences, you probably found it’s nearly impossible. I have been both the host and the guest with food intolerances, and every year I learn new tricks for getting through the holiday season without starving or going insane.

There are countless reasons why we may have a preference for certain food choices. I avoid certain foods because of autoimmune disease. But you could have diabetes, you could be trying to have a healthier relationship with food, or you may have allergies. Maybe you’re just keto-curious or you just want to detox. You could be a recovering alcoholic. Your reasons are personal to you.

Not wanting to offend anybody

Homemade dishes are also deeply personal to the cook.  People are often passionate about sharing their food. The green bean casserole Aunt Marie brought is a family recipe passed down generations. She may not be able fathom how anyone could turn down the dish she poured her heart into.

I get it. Food is a sensitive and tricky topic to navigate, so if you’re the one who has dietary restrictions, here are some tips for a stress-free holiday dinner:    

1. Find out what’s being served and set expectations

It’s ok to ask the host what’s on the menu in advance. If there are dishes that you really want to sample that may be safe, ask the host to share the recipes with you.

When you speak with the host, make it clear that they don’t have to go out of their way for you. You have lived with your food restrictions long enough to know not to expect to be able to eat much of the food, and have found ways around it.  

Some hosts want to make sure everyone is taken care of and will accommodate your needs, at least with a dish or two. When that happens, it’s ok to accept people’s kindness. Tell them it’s not necessary, but thank them kindly if they insist.

You already know that when you leave your house, many foods might become off limits. Expect to put in your time with mixed company and eat the items you can eat, knowing  that you may still be hungry when you get home. Be prepared to go home to enjoy your second dinner in your comfy pants later.

2. Bring a dish to share

Hopefully you’ve had a chance to explore food you can eat that you love. If you love it, share it! Cook a dish that will be satisfying to you that can be shared with everyone, and not just dessert. It should be part of the meal so that you can feel like you’re really participating in the dining experience. You can mention it’s dairy/sugar/nut or whatever free, and see everyone’s delight when they realize vegan food can be delicious! Or, if you prefer to avoid the topic (more on that below), don’t mention it and enjoy the meal without making a big deal. 

3. Be unapologetic

I used to be embarrassed about my dietary restrictions. I felt so out of place in gatherings when I was the only one on a special diet. I didn’t like the attention it put on me if my plate was emptier than everyone else’s because I couldn’t eat much.

I especially never wanted a host to make anything special - hosting is hard enough, and I didn’t want to be a nuisance. Over the years I learned to let that go. If the host made me something specially, I am now grateful and feel cared for rather than guilty. It’s a bit like accepting a compliment: doing it with grace takes a lifetime of practice, but you realize it saves a lot of awkwardness if you learn to appreciate the sentiment instead of arguing.

Do remember your truth. You know why you eat a certain way, and sometimes it’s hard to stay true to your needs in a holiday gathering. Before sitting down to dinner, remember this mantra: My diet is my business, it’s important to me, and I don’t have to answer to everyone. It’s great to say this to yourself, but how do you handle rude questions, curiosity and advice from people who know nothing about the topic? This leads to the next tip… 

4. Expect a running commentary

People are curious about things that are different or strange to them. People can also be opinionated, especially about food! They will ask if your dietary restriction is a choice or an allergy. But, it’s your body after all! They’ll ask what nightshades will do to you if you eat them. Well, they’ll never fully know or understand! Explicit detail about what it will do to your intestinal tract is really not for the dinner table.

When dinner guests make comments, refer back to the mantra above. Unless you really want to talk about it, it’s ok to not answer questions.  So… What do you say when it comes up? If it makes you uncomfortable, feel free to say, “Yes, I avoid dairy, but I prefer not to discuss the reasons while eating. Sometimes it’s good to just enjoy the meal without getting too in depth.” You can also add a little humor to it: “I really want to spare you the details because it’s a real appetite spoiler!” Keep your tone casual and light. If they keep pushing it - that’s on them.

5. Notice how you participate and practice letting go

Some people with dietary restrictions are happy to share their reasons with a crowd. If you do decide to share, notice how your contribution might be received by those around you. You may eat a certain way because it’s ethical and leaves a small footprint. That’s wonderful! But just because you’re annoyed by Uncle Waylon’s snarky comments about how you’re eating rabbit food and need to get some meat on your bones, doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to impose your lifestyle on him. He can eat his turkey in peace as well. There’s a time and place for sharing your truth, and holiday gatherings might not be one of those times. I know you’re passionate about your values and want to get the word out - but you can guess how well it will go when you tell Uncle Waylon about the conditions at the slaughterhouse. Hint: not well. People can be set in their ways, and the hour you have around the dinner table is likely not going to change anyone’s mind.

Other considerations

It’s ok not to engage if you don’t want to

How about the dinner guests that make comments or try to dissuade you from your diet? Try to change the topic. I used to get annoyed when people brought up the fad nature of a gluten free diet and assume it was a choice. Some would cite articles about how the harmfulness of gluten has been debunked. But they don’t know my particular condition. My autoimmune disease = not compatible with gluten.

There was a time I would get defensive, explaining the blood/brain barrier and how it destroys my stomach lining over time, etc. etc. I realized that by getting into it, I was encouraging a discussion that I didn’t want to be having. Jim and Janet might not actually care to know the science behind my food restrictions, and it’s not a great topic to discuss in mixed company anyway. If I had just let it go and not cared what they think, we all would have had a nicer time at that gathering.

This is the art of letting go.

You get to decide whether or not you want to discuss it

If you don’t mind getting into the details, then refer back to tip no. 3: try to be unabashed in conversation too, not just in your mind. Stand up for your decisions and state your point of view - it can be a worthy discussion. It doesn’t reflect on you that others don’t understand or respect your lifestyle. It might not be the right time or maybe the two of you can just agree to disagree. Whether you talk about it or not is up to you; it’s not your job to make others comfortable with your explanations or justifications about your life.

Enjoy the challenge

Wishing you and your boss, your uncle’s girlfriend, and your mother-in-law a peaceful holiday gathering this year! I can’t help you when politics come up around the dinner table, but maybe this article will help you keep the topic of your gluten-free stuffing from escalating into a whole “thing.” 

Happy holidays to you and yours from everyone here at People Bloom! We look forward to serving you in 2020!

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Karen Lenz is the Office Whiz Extraordinaire at People Bloom Counseling. She writes blog posts as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. She is looking forward to trying out a new cashew cheese quiche recipe on her unsuspecting family. If they are wowed, that’s a win. And if they don’t like it - well, more for her!

Weighting to Jump In: How Body Shame Made Me Miss the Party

Photo by Matthew T Rader on Unsplash

A public service announcement for all the women

Ladies, we are heading towards the latter part of summer… and of course season change typically includes a transition in wardrobe, at least in the Northwest. And as a curvy woman, I for one am ready to be done with the pressure to find the most “figure-flattering” swimsuit coverup, and spanx to avoid the uncomfortable chafing that inevitably results from 80-plus degree weather and thick thighs in a dress.

Trending toward body positivity

In general, I believe society is making progress around body inclusivity and size diversity. Big applause for public figures like models Iskra Lawrence and Ashley Graham who are using their beautiful bodies, and more importantly, voices, to speak out against body shaming and diet culture. The publicity around Nike’s effort to support the movement with their full-figured mannequin was epic - and hopefully just the beginning of more clothing companies actively promoting size diversity. 

I’m seeing more unfiltered Instagram accounts and people, not just women, owning their realness. It’s about damn time, but we’ve still got a ways to go. By “we” I mean “we” as a collective and as individuals. We cannot expect change to happen unless we are willing to do our part individually. And I, a mental health professional who works with people struggling with body image and disordered eating, struggled to do my part this summer.

This is my confession. 

How I ended up on a party boat

It was a beautiful Seattle Saturday a couple of weeks back. As a plus-one, I attended a promotional/marketing event for Seafair because my partner works in the hospitality industry. The event was hosted on a partnering company’s boat, which meant swimsuits, skin, and a lot of women who fit the bill for “traditional beauty standards.” I overheard women talking about their month-long cleanses in preparation for the event, two-a-day workout weeks, and compliments on each others’ physiques. Many of these women have become dear friends, and to be clear, I have zero judgement towards anyone who values these things. I’ve noticed this is also how lots of women bond and connect with one another. 

When self consciousness takes over

As we humans tend to do, I got caught up in my head on that boat because I saw no other bodies that looked like mine in swimsuits. I thought to myself, Where are all the Ashley’s and Iskra’s? The diverse women I’ve been flooding my social medias with to drown out the other filtered, photo-CHOPPED ads that otherwise pop up everywhere? I wondered if I’d just created a safety bubble for myself and if actually, the rest of the world really hadn’t expanded beauty ideals. The hard work I’d convinced myself I’d done around accepting my curvy body flew out the porthole. 

A couple of people asked why I was keeping my pants on (they were whooey pants-- the really loose, wide-leg kind that go “whoo whoo” in the wind) and not getting in the water with my friends. I replied self-degradingly, “I might have accepted my cellulite but I’m not sure that the rest of the world is ready for that yet,” and laughed. OMG you guys, the SHAME.

The thing is, I wouldn’t have given a shit if I’d seen anyone with cellulite. In fact, there were probably plenty of women with this NORMAL thingy happening on their skin, and I didn’t even notice because my brain was scanning for data that confirmed my self-conscious thoughts. 

If I could do it all over again

I have some regrets about that day. If I could have a do over, I’ll be brave enough to be the Ashley on that boat...because maybe it would have helped other self-conscious women on that boat rock their water-wear as well. After all, it was really hot, and I was really sweaty and uncomfortable, but my body-conscious anxieties kept me from doing things I actually cared about. My partner spent most of the afternoon floating off the back of the boat, staying cool in the water. Instead of watching my first Blue Angels airshow holding the hand of the person I love most, cooling off in a floaty next to him in the water, I sat on the opposite end of the boat, fully clothed and overheated, and missed out on a memory with him. 

Tapping into my values

While I’m trying to be self-compassionate around not feeling ready to be an Ashley just yet, I allowed my fear of negative judgment to dictate how I chose to live my life that beautiful Seattle Saturday. I was distracted from my personal values of making memories with my best friend, a core concept of Acceptance-Commitment Therapy (ACT). If I had slowed down and checked in with myself, I would remember the Health at Every Size Model (HAES), which emphasizes that every body is a swimsuit body. It de-stigmatizes fatness and people with bigger bodies; it reminds us that fat isn’t bad, nor is it a sound indicator of someone’s health… and certainly not someone’s worth. These are some of the tools I use to help my clients with body image and disordered eating. 

Taking a cue from the boys

What I also didn’t notice that day was any men discussing these subjects. The guys on the boat were rocking their swimmies with all sorts of body types; none were turning down the sandwiches provided to avoid looking bloated, because heaven forbid they were hungry. I didn’t hear any guys commenting on their bodies or shaming themselves. 

Gals - what if we’re mindful about speaking about ourselves unkindly? What would we hear? What if we avoided the calorie conversations at the table or the justifications for wanting the regular sized order instead of the half? We can learn to recognize that these critical thoughts are only thoughts, not absolute truths. 

It is okay and very nurturing to give your body what it needs and wants, which might be salad one day and ice cream the next. When we relinquish the rules and judgement around food and physique, food becomes less of a shame/reward system and begins doing what it’s supposed to: nourishing our bodies so we have the energy to be present for whatever it is we care about for the rest of the beautiful Seattle days to come. 

I am here

I may be a therapist, but I’m not perfect and I’m always learning from my mistakes. If you need someone to help you leave body shaming on the deck while you go for a swim, let’s talk. The party is in the water. 

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Abby Erickson is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps people with anxiety and social anxiety learn ways to better manage their angst. She also helps people struggling with low self-esteem and body image issues be comfortable in their own skin. Abby is excited that there are still a few good days of summer left to get a second chance to try out that swimsuit and enjoy the sun.