When Apologizing Becomes a Burden: How to Strike a Balance

Recently we hosted a friend and her family from college. Their family of three were traveling from the east coast. It was my first time meeting their kid, and I was looking forward to our late night conversations. Seattle weather was surprisingly cooperative for the few days they were here. 

They were wonderful and very considerate guests. In fact, a little too considerate and apologetic. 

The apology overload

You see, as with a young child, spills happen. They cleaned up quickly and there were no permanent damages, but the parents were very apologetic. Then came more apologies: They were staying out later and will be missing dinner. They were sorry for making noise in the early morning. They apologized for taking up space in our home.

At first, the constant apologies seemed polite. But soon, it became apparent that their frequent apologies were creating a subtle, but significant shift in our interactions.

As a therapist, I've often noticed how apologizing can sometimes be more than just a polite gesture. It's a complex social behavior that can, at times, place an unintended burden on the person being apologized to. When someone frequently apologizes, it often puts the onus on the other person to respond with reassurance, which can create an imbalance in the relationship.

In the case of my friend's visit, their continuous apologies began to make us feel uncomfortable. Instead of enjoying our time together, I felt compelled to constantly reassure them that everything was okay. What started as a relaxing visit evolved into something that required emotional labor on our part. 

Reflecting on the experience

One evening, after yet another apology about their child being too rowdy, I felt drained. I didn't have the energy to address the issue at that moment, so I kept quiet. It wasn't until after they had left that I reflected on the situation. This experience highlighted how continuous apologizing, even when well-intentioned, can sometimes have unintended consequences.

I found myself repeatedly saying, “Oh, it’s not a problem…” “It really wasn’t a big deal…” “No worries…” “It’s okay…” Over time, offering constant reassurance became tiring and cumbersome. 

It turned small matters into bigger issues than they needed to be.

Tips for healthier interactions

From my experience, here are a few thoughts around the use of apologies:

1. Apologize and move on: Acknowledge the mishap with a simple apology and then move on. Over apologizing is belaboring the point, and apologizing repeatedly for different things can get old after a while. 

2. Fix the problem if there's one to fix: If there's an actual problem, take steps to address it. The spill was cleaned up. There was nothing more to do. And if there wasn’t an actual problem to be fixed…

3. Be okay with inconveniences: Understand that minor mishaps are a part of life. Little Darren had a nap and was as cooperative as he can be. We don’t expect any different. Let’s enjoy each other as we are. 

All that to say, while apologies are an important part of social interactions, it's crucial to strike a balance. Over-apologizing can inadvertently place a burden on others to constantly reassure, which can strain relationships. Let’s acknowledge and move on, so we can focus on what really matters: our relationship. 

Ready to navigate nuances in your relationships? 

Join other clients who are making changes in their relationships and ways of relating. Our team of clinicians are here to help! 

---

Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. She and her partner are getting better at hosting, and they hope to make people feel at home. There’s always something to learn…

What Keeps Teachers from Therapy

My experience as a teacher

When I was a high school teacher, I was so dang busy that I often didn’t have time to stop and think about how dang busy I was. I woke at 5:00am (ew), dressed and readied myself, quickly made up my gigantic coffee, grabbed my lunch (if I had enough energy to make it the night before), and took off on a 45 min/35 mile commute to get to school by 7:45 (ish) for an 8:15 am start.

Begin period 1. Sip coffee. Give lesson. Stand and mosey through the classroom. Ask questions. Answer questions. No, you cannot Snap me in the middle of class. Yes, you may go to the restroom—take the pass. Pass out papers. Pick up papers. Maybe assign homework. Bell rings. Next class. Repeat. And so on, either 4 block classes (~1.5 hours each) or 8 classes (~45 min each) passed until it was finally 4:00 pm.

In between grading papers and entering grades, I’d eat my lunch—that is, if I wasn’t supporting a club or tutoring students. In between classes, I might run to the restroom—if I had time. I had 6 classes, 1 conference period, and 1 planning period. I had around 150 students, give or take, depending on the semester. 150 students, 150 names, 150 grades per assignment, 150 different learners.

4:00pm hits. I stay at school, planning classes, grading papers, replying to emails, filling out paperwork. At the end of a six-week grading period, I would sometimes find myself at school until it was dark outside, working until I was way past hungry. 

Life outside of work

Monday through Friday, this was the routine. In my twenties, I found enough energy (with the help of pre-workout) to make myself go to the gym a few days a week before going home and (often) do more work for school, eat, and sleep. The hour at the gym, often 3ish times a week, was some of the little time I made for myself—that plus the occasional “retail therapy” on weekends which was more like a lot of window shopping. I got creative ballin’ on a teacher's salary.

Go to therapy, you say? When? How?

I am the type that has been busy all. my. life. When there isn’t something on the calendar, I’m not sure what to do with myself. For those first couple of summers as a new teacher I would enjoy the time off and rest at first, and then I’d start twiddling my thumbs after a month or so.

In the summer, we feel good. The sun’s out. We’re out. We take vacations. We see people more often. Commonly, we don’t go to therapy when we feel good.

However, what if good therapy can come from when we feel good? What if we’re able to sit and process—dare I say—better when we’re not in go-go-go mode? What if we have more emotional capacity to try new things, learn new skills when we’re not so burnt out we have to seek help?

Enter therapy

As a former high school teacher, I know what it’s like to hustle, to go through the day in, day out of this profession, and be thinking about the work, the students, sometimes their families and circumstances, at odd hours. If you’re having a hard time turning your mind off of work– I’m with you. 

Had I known more about therapy in my early twenties, I think I could’ve benefited. There’s something about processing direction and balance that I so enjoy working with with clients now, and I wonder, in a world that seems so fast, how we all may benefit from a lil slow down. 

Sure it may be odd to slow down after being so used to being busy. Ultimately it’s in the slowing down that we are able to appreciate and manage the busy.

Now, I advocate for the balance of busy with rest, and for a therapy that works for you in the time and space that you need it.

Can we help find that for you? If now is your time, let’s get some work done!

---

We’re so glad to have Rachel Keo at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice in WA. She helps young adults and working professionals with life transitions. As a former high school teacher in TX and a Peace Corps Volunteer and Teacher in Albania, she also has a heart for working with school personnel. She’s seeing more and more clients working for the school district, and she loves what she does. She hopes to cross paths with you!

Tips from a Therapist: How to Be a Better Friend and Listener

A couple of months ago, I went out for lunch with some of my college friends. We caught a glimpse of the early summer weather on a Redmond patio. We don’t see each other often, but when we do, it’s as if time never passed. We teased and caught up with each other. There was a certain ease that long-time friends bring. 

I was sharing one of my recent relationship struggles, when my friends nodded and gave me their undivided attention. One of them asked me a question, which prompted me to keep going. After all, I had more to say on this matter. I had barely taken a few minutes of airtime when, during a short pause, another of our friends began telling their story. Now I know it was their way of relating to what I had to say, but it was no longer about my experience. It became theirs and it never came back to me. 

This left me feeling like I was dropped. 

As a therapist, I know these moments happen all the time. There were quite a few of us. It was noisy outside. It’s not like we had a talking stick to pass around. But having been through these experiences, I know there are ways we can share space while feeling heard. 

Here are some tips to consider the next time you’re with your friends: 

1. Hear them out

   A few minutes can feel like a long time but it really isn’t. They’re formulating their thoughts to put things in a nutshell. There are natural pauses for them to catch their breath. When was the last time you got undivided attention for a long stretch of time that isn’t in a therapist’s office or sitting around a Healing Circle? Here, you’re offering something therapeutic to your friend by letting them have the floor. If they have more to say, it means they’re not done. Let them go for a bit longer. Another few minutes of airtime can make the difference between feeling heard and feeling dropped. 

2. Validate what they’re going through

   This is an age-old method for helping someone feel heard and understood. This is not about you being totally on board with what they have to say, thinking that you would’ve felt the same or made the same choice if the tables were turned. Rather, this is about you putting yourself in their shoes and walking around in them. You, in their shoes. You, for a moment, sense their struggle and see why it could be difficult for them, even if it wouldn’t be difficult for you. Saying things like, “That sounds hard!” or “Yep, that would suck!” can go a long way. That’s because for a moment, you allowed yourself to be them. 

3. Hold off on your own story

   You likely have a story you can draw upon. Much like the #MeToo movement, it helps to know that you’re not alone when you hear other people’s stories and can share yours. However, just wait a few more minutes. If your story is also top of mind for you, you’ll have your turn. Don’t cut in when someone is still in the thick of their story. Assuming you’re surrounded by friends who have a deep respect for each other, your friends will make space for you. 

That day, I just needed a few more minutes to share the impact this struggle had on me and then I would have been ready to move on. I wasn’t looking for someone to problem-solve or even tell me they had a similar struggle. I only wanted to be heard.

You might ask, “Well, why didn’t you bring the conversation back to you”? By then, the topic swiftly moved on to dynamics between two people, which evolved into pets, kids and travel. The wind had been knocked out of my sails and I knew conversation would flow better if we just kept going. 

Hearing you out

When clients have friends and family who hear them out, that makes our job as therapists easier. I’m often grateful when clients talk about their good friends and how supported they feel. Of course, your friends can’t be your therapist and that’s where we come in. We can hear you out, make it about you, validate what you’re going through, and only share something from our lives if it can help you. And ultimately, we want to help you towards your goals, however that might further your life. 

If you need undivided attention, 55-min at a time, we’ll be here. 

---

Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. She’s grateful for her friends and despite them missing each other at times, they’re there to support and care for each other. She hopes that even in moments of disconnection, you can find your way back to your people too.

Three Reasons Why Traditional Talk Therapy Still Matters in the Age of TalkSpace and BetterHelp, Plus a Bonus

In the age of TalkSpace, BetterHelp, and Cerebral, traditional talk therapy is getting a bad rap. While these app-based services helped to create greater accessibility to mental health services, the pandemic has moved most mental health services online. Masked in-person visits provide social connection for those who want to leave the house, while the ease of commuting only 20 steps to your appointment is also an option. As a therapist trained in providing mid and long-term therapy, there are several reasons why I believe traditional talk therapy still matters. 

Longevity of relationship 

There are some clients I’ve known through job changes, a miscarriage and pregnancy, heartbreaks and new relationships. I’ve seen them through milestones and walked with them through peaks and valleys. 

There’s something sacred about being known and seen, when the relationship goes deep and is built through seasons of life and living. While texts and emails can be ways to connect, they are no quick fixes or replacement for a consistent human connection. This doesn’t mean you need to stay in therapy for a long time; clients come and go and come back, now with kids and new problems to tackle. The difference is they don’t have to start from scratch. 

Know how you tick

It takes time to get to know someone and be known. Some people are slow to warm up so rapport and progress can’t be rushed. Overtime, I get to know how clients respond across situations and we notice patterns. It's common for me to say in sessions, “We know this about you…” or for clients to say, “You know me so well I can say this to you…”

This deep knowing doesn’t come through brief interactions over text or voice note. This deep knowing allows for us to pivot when a modality doesn’t work, or for us to learn how to best help you. Are these conversations with your friends too hard? Let’s slice it thinner. I see that you like going on a monologue. We can take turns and I’ll reflect and make recommendations. You tend to make changes from something we talked about months ago? Now is a good time too.

Let’s do you.

Witness to your process and progress 

As both a recipient and provider of therapy, I’ve seen how progress takes time. The potential for change is understood in the history and context of the person being seen, not quick remedies to be doled out. And there’s something very healing about someone noticing those changes, witnessing that growth and reminding you how far you’ve come. “Do you remember how that used to bother you so much and now it’s just a shrug?” “You’re really noticing what’s showing up for you and pausing before reacting! Are you seeing that too?” “You’re opening up to your partner in ways you haven’t before. Wow! That’s huge!”

Who is there to see you when you’re struggling and when you’re making strides? A therapist who knows you and has been with you can be that person for you. 

A bonus: Safe parameters around the work

Most people think that traditional talk therapy requires weekly sessions, but it really depends on what you need, what your schedule allows, and what’s within your budget. Regardless of the cadence, there’s space in between sessions to process the work, without a need to constantly engage on that topic. The fact that you’ve paid into an online counseling platform like TalkSpace means you’d want to make the most out of it. I have the most beef about the messaging function which touts 24/7 accessibility to your therapist without creating safe parameters for the work. 

It is good and healthy to take a break from your problem and go on to live your life. You have other things going for you. Where you notice you’re struggling, come back to your next session and talk about it. Use the therapy space to contain your problem and know that your therapist will hold it for you until you return. There’s safety in knowing this important work has boundaries; it’s there to protect you and your therapist from burnout.

Making traditional talk therapy work 

While traditional talk therapy can feel more structured, be more cost prohibitive, and doesn’t have a flashy platform, there are ways around it. Structure is not always a bad thing and your therapist might be able to provide flexibility for shorter or less frequent sessions. Unlike online counseling platforms, talk therapy is covered or can be reimbursed by your health insurance plan. Many therapists also have a certain number of reduced fee spots reserved for under-resourced clients. 

Lastly, therapists came into this work to help people, and tech platforms that are built for therapists are not the most user-friendly. So, when you see therapy practices cobbling multiple systems together to provide a service to you or there are glitches in the systems they use, please know they’re doing the best they can with the resources they have. 

There’s help for you

Regardless of how you go about nurturing your mental health, there’s help for you. We have a team of licensed mental health professionals who will take the time to get to know you and meet you in real time. We’ll make recommendations tailored to you and your needs and see you through your process and your progress. 

---

Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. She’s grateful to her therapist who witnessed her ugly tears around family issues in grad school and saw her gush over the man she ended up marrying, to the eventual meeting of this man for couples counseling. There’s comfort in being known and accepted through time.