Photo by Alan Billyeald on Unsplash
Our recent adventure
Husband and I went on an RV trip to Central California in late-September. School has resumed; it’s time to travel in the off-season and enjoy the changing fall colors. We went as far as the south bay to visit my in-laws and then to the Stanislaus National Forest where my husband used to camp every year growing up. We had many memorable moments, but what stuck out was an experience that helped deepen my understanding of what BIPOC and other marginalized groups might feel on a regular basis.
We pulled into a busy campground close to San Francisco on a busy weekend. The site was packed and fully booked, hustling and bustling with people. Kids were playing, riding on scooters, swimming, and visiting the petting farm. It was happenin’! At check-in, we were told our campsite with full hook up does not have a sewage hookup. However, these “VIP spots” involve a dark and grey water tank truck that comes by 8 am in the morning to empty it for us. Thus, we were told to leave our box unlocked.
All that was fine. By now, the sun had 45 minutes to set. I was ready to get our rig set up so I can go for a quick jog, so time is of the essence. We rolled into our spot and there was not one, but two cars parked there. One of its owners quickly moved out while the other owner was nowhere to be found. While I know in my head that everything takes longer during COVID, it is no less frustrating to wait for someone to move their vehicle so our evening could continue.
Things don’t always go as planned
Husband and I did the best we could, coming head-to-head to the vehicle and starting to level with blocks as best we could. By now, I’d given up hope that I could go for my jog. After 15 minutes of waiting, the property manager finally drove up in his golf cart carrying the driver of the remaining vehicle. Looking sheepish and with a faint smile on his face, he hopped into his vehicle without a word and drove off.
I was upset. What the fuck was that? We had to re-park and re-level, taking up more of our time. If one of us were a white male, would the dude have apologized before driving off? Being Asian-American looking, even though our identities are much more complicated than that, it’s one of those things we’d never know. It’s also hard to not notice how many of the RVers are White, as RVing amongst POC, while growing during the pandemic, is still lagging. Here’s an article about the outdoors being a predominantly White pastime.
Sigh. After chatting with my husband and naming what this brought up for me, I could either stay upset or move on with my evening. I did my workout in the RV instead, careful to lay off on the jumping, and carried on.
The gut punch came the next day, or at least what I thought was the last straw that broke the camel’s back.
The tipping point
We left our tank hookup area unlocked, as suggested by the office. When we went to detach the water source the next morning, we found a pinch-off lock tool in the place of one of the shutoff valve handles for the fresh water drain. Did the rig rental come like that? Why didn’t we notice it, having done hookups multiple times during the beginning of the trip? By now, it is hard for my mind to not go to this place of us having been pranked. Hatred against Asian Americans has been on the rise since COVID and as much as we tried to continue to live our lives as best we could, I felt less safe in that moment.
When microaggressions add up
I’m usually a friendly person, but now, I have the resting bitch face on. Looking unfriendly feels protective and gives the message, “Don’t mess with me”.
My husband, being a fourth-generation Japanese American, is a bit more removed from his Japanese racial and cultural identity. He took the more neutral position and kept questioning whether this was how we picked up the rental. Following his lead, I jumped on the conclusion bandwagon and emailed the manager of the RV rental company with photos. Within hours, he got back to us, saying that’s how the rig came and they’re waiting for a replacement part to arrive.
Now, you could say I misunderstood or wrongly thought we had a target on our backs. That was partly the case, but think about the experiences we had that led up to the last event: two cars parked in our spot, no apologies from the driver who kept us waiting, the sight of mostly White neighbors when we’re used to seeing other POC in our Seattle communities… Everyone can misunderstand at times; that’s part of being human. But when people from historically and all the more currently marginalized communities go through life, thoughts about whether they were treated one way or another because of their race, culture, sexual orientation, language, appearance, etc., can become top of mind.
The right to not be friendly
With time, my resting bitch face slowly melted away because I felt mostly safe in the dominant culture, tapping into adaptive strategies to keep going. I went on with the rest of my trip, waving and saying hi to strangers, like my usual self. But through all this, I was reminded that people don’t have to be friendly back. People from marginalized groups can have additional reasons for how they show up in the world. Being friendly and smiley to strangers may be welcomed in some cultures but not others. People might just want to go on their walk and be left alone, and that’s ok. Just because I want to tell people I see them does not mean they need to reciprocate. Whatever they might be going through, ignoring me is a valid response.
All that to say, our inner experiences affect how we show up in the world. It’s not good or bad, right or wrong. It just is. If you need help navigating your intersecting identities, our counselors are here for you. We are a diverse group of people and personalities, with different lived experiences. I hope we can help!
Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. She identifies as a Hong Kong immigrant, Canadian, US permanent resident, cis-gender woman. That is so much more than being Asian American. For that reason, she celebrates the identities that make you uniquely you.