Photo by Carlos de Toro @carlosdetoro on Unsplash

If you’ve been on a Zoom call lately, you’ve probably noticed that pronouns are listed under many of your colleague’s names, and that you can edit your pronoun with a single click. What a concept! Technology has enabled us to express this important aspect of ourselves to anyone we e-meet so they can know our pronouns at first glance. Wherever you lie on the gender spectrum, you can’t miss the changing landscape of gender diversity awareness.

I identify as queer, and my pronouns are she/her. While I don’t use gender-neutral pronouns myself, I appreciate organizations and workplaces that place importance on respecting people’s pronouns in conversation. I want to share my journey of love/hate relationship with the they/them pronouns, and how I eventually came around to the love side (the TL/DR version is, just respect people’s pronouns, dammit!)

When pronouns first entered the collective conversation, the English language purist in me struggled with the grammatical inconsistency of the they/them pronouns. I insisted that grammatically, it does not follow to refer to a singular person as if they are a collective “them” in a sentence. Perhaps partly in response to this very concern, the LGBTQ community came up with other pronoun options, called neopronouns, such as “Ze/hir,” or “xe/xyr”used to indicate non-binary gender.

For a comprehensive list of gender neutral pronouns and short but sweet history lesson of the evolution of the inclusive “one” instead of “he/she,” pronouns, see this great resource from the University of Wisconsin.

Personally, I’m in the camp that would prefer to add new words to the English language than to butcher grammatical rules. When I learned about options other than “they and “them” for gender neutral pronouns, I was 100% on board! I wanted to shout from the rooftops that everyone with gender non-comforming preferences could choose a neopronoun, and we could finally be rid of this pesky misused “they.” But change isn’t quick to come, and people haven’t picked up these other pronoun options like I hoped. Neopronouns are used by some, but they’re not very common. They/Them have won out as the most commonly used gender neutral pronouns. A recent survey showed that 25% of LGBTQ youth in the US use gender neutral pronouns. Just 4% use neopronouns. The English nut in me refused to accept it for a long time - I clung on to a wish for the way it could be, if only everyone just adapted and chose anything but “they/them!” Be a ze! Be a xyr! A Mx or a per! Ok this is turning into a Dr. Seuss rhyme.

Grammar be damned

Our constantly evolving world has made me take a hard look at myself. In the last few years I’ve been consciously working on inclusivity and questioning my resistance to the they/them pronoun. The first thing I questioned was the obsession with keeping the English language “pure:” who says things have to be the way they always were? Language evolves - English is the way it is because of cultural shifts and geographic migrations over centuries. Even “perfect” grammar as it was taught to me would probably be appalling to someone from the 1700s. This Here is a great resource explaining all the scenarios where “they/them” would be appropriate to use. While change can be hard to accept, ultimately changes to language are natural, and show that we are progressing as humans. Modifications to language are reflections of changing attitudes, and in the case of expanding LGBTQ rights, this is a welcome cultural change.

Respecting my fellow humans

I also started being more mindful of people’s wishes - recognizing their human right to have non-conforming gender expression, gender identity, and pronouns. All this meant making a deliberate effort to think in terms of pronouns. I thought about the people I know with gender neutral pronouns, and I made a conscious effort to use them, both in my thoughts and in conversation. If you’re not used to using non-binary pronouns, try it out:

“Xander wasn’t in English class today, have you seen them?”

“Oh, they had a dentist appointment. They should be back by third period. You don’t have to worry about them, they’re fine!”

Practice practice practice

If you know someone’s pronoun preferences, think of them in the terms they request, and practice using their pronouns when referencing them. And remember they have the right to change their pronouns over time, as they learn about themselves. Practicing using people’s pronouns will hopefully make you feel confident that you’ll get it right when speaking to your friends with neutral pronouns directly.

Simplicity

So, xe/xyr didn’t take off. That’s ok, maybe someday… (but for those who do use neopronouns, more power to you!) For those that use they/them, I’ll concede that this has its pros. Using they/them simplifies the pronoun question for anyone who is new to the concept, or may find the other pronouns options confusing. They/them is a palatable approach that may bring pronoun preference awareness to the mainstream consciousness. We already use the words “they” and “them,” so these words can easily be added to the lexicon in another context, without having to learn new words. For many, there would be less resistance to this pronoun than to brand new words.

Giving it meaning

I learned to appreciate they/them on a philosophical level as well: When we pluralize a pronoun that’s referring to a single person, I see it as a way of including all aspects that make a person who they are, including any and all gender expressions with which they identify. Using the term them includes the many ways our identities intersect to make us our unique selves.

Thanks for letting me take you on my journey of acceptance of something I shouldn’t have been so resistant to in the first place. I know I have completely fixated on they/them pronouns here, but it’s mostly out of necessity because they’re the most prevalent gender neutral pronouns we see these days. All that to say, I don’t mean to dismiss other pronouns. All pronouns are welcome! I hope that with time, people feel more comfortable stating their preference for the pronouns that make them feel like their authentic selves.

If you’re not sure what someone’s pronouns are, just ask! And it’s also ok to screw it up at first - most people in the LGBTQ community appreciate the effort to get it right. And if you do mess up, the best approach is to correct yourself and move on, without apologizing.

I wanted to end on this blog with a delightful Schoolhouse Rock throwback about pronouns - who would have thought back in the day when we were watching our grammar lesson cartoons that these conversations would be front and center in our collective consciousness 30 years later? Enjoy!

If you need support in understanding your own or a loved one’s gender identity, a trained therapist can help. Reach out to one of our therapists today.

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Karen Lenz is the Office Whiz and Insurance Guru at People Bloom Counseling. She writes blog posts as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. She enjoys cooking, hiking, playing with her dogs, and dabbling in yoga.

Our recent adventure

Husband and I went on an RV trip to Central California in late-September. School has resumed; it’s time to travel in the off-season and enjoy the changing fall colors. We went as far as the south bay to visit my in-laws and then to the Stanislaus National Forest where my husband used to camp every year growing up. We had many memorable moments, but what stuck out was an experience that helped deepen my understanding of what BIPOC and other marginalized groups might feel on a regular basis.

We pulled into a busy campground close to San Francisco on a busy weekend. The site was packed and fully booked, hustling and bustling with people. Kids were playing, riding on scooters, swimming, and visiting the petting farm. It was happenin’! At check-in, we were told our campsite with full hook up does not have a sewage hookup. However, these “VIP spots” involve a dark and grey water tank truck that comes by 8 am in the morning to empty it for us. Thus, we were told to leave our box unlocked.

All that was fine. By now, the sun had 45 minutes to set. I was ready to get our rig set up so I can go for a quick jog, so time is of the essence. We rolled into our spot and there was not one, but two cars parked there. One of its owners quickly moved out while the other owner was nowhere to be found. While I know in my head that everything takes longer during COVID, it is no less frustrating to wait for someone to move their vehicle so our evening could continue.

Things don’t always go as planned

Husband and I did the best we could, coming head-to-head to the vehicle and starting to level with blocks as best we could. By now, I’d given up hope that I could go for my jog. After 15 minutes of waiting, the property manager finally drove up in his golf cart carrying the driver of the remaining vehicle. Looking sheepish and with a faint smile on his face, he hopped into his vehicle without a word and drove off.

I was upset. What the fuck was that? We had to re-park and re-level, taking up more of our time. If one of us were a white male, would the dude have apologized before driving off? Being Asian-American looking, even though our identities are much more complicated than that, it’s one of those things we’d never know. It’s also hard to not notice how many of the RVers are White, as RVing amongst POC, while growing during the pandemic, is still lagging. Here’s an article about the outdoors being a predominantly White pastime.

Sigh. After chatting with my husband and naming what this brought up for me, I could either stay upset or move on with my evening. I did my workout in the RV instead, careful to lay off on the jumping, and carried on.

The gut punch came the next day, or at least what I thought was the last straw that broke the camel’s back.

The tipping point

We left our tank hookup area unlocked, as suggested by the office. When we went to detach the water source the next morning, we found a pinch-off lock tool in the place of one of the shutoff valve handles for the fresh water drain. Did the rig rental come like that? Why didn’t we notice it, having done hookups multiple times during the beginning of the trip? By now, it is hard for my mind to not go to this place of us having been pranked. Hatred against Asian Americans has been on the rise since COVID and as much as we tried to continue to live our lives as best we could, I felt less safe in that moment.

When microaggressions add up

I’m usually a friendly person, but now, I have the resting bitch face on. Looking unfriendly feels protective and gives the message, “Don’t mess with me”.

My husband, being a fourth-generation Japanese American, is a bit more removed from his Japanese racial and cultural identity. He took the more neutral position and kept questioning whether this was how we picked up the rental. Following his lead, I jumped on the conclusion bandwagon and emailed the manager of the RV rental company with photos. Within hours, he got back to us, saying that’s how the rig came and they’re waiting for a replacement part to arrive.

Now, you could say I misunderstood or wrongly thought we had a target on our backs. That was partly the case, but think about the experiences we had that led up to the last event: two cars parked in our spot, no apologies from the driver who kept us waiting, the sight of mostly White neighbors when we’re used to seeing other POC in our Seattle communities… Everyone can misunderstand at times; that’s part of being human. But when people from historically and all the more currently marginalized communities go through life, thoughts about whether they were treated one way or another because of their race, culture, sexual orientation, language, appearance, etc., can become top of mind.

The right to not be friendly

With time, my resting bitch face slowly melted away because I felt mostly safe in the dominant culture, tapping into adaptive strategies to keep going. I went on with the rest of my trip, waving and saying hi to strangers, like my usual self. But through all this, I was reminded that people don’t have to be friendly back. People from marginalized groups can have additional reasons for how they show up in the world. Being friendly and smiley to strangers may be welcomed in some cultures but not others. People might just want to go on their walk and be left alone, and that’s ok. Just because I want to tell people I see them does not mean they need to reciprocate. Whatever they might be going through, ignoring me is a valid response.

All that to say, our inner experiences affect how we show up in the world. It’s not good or bad, right or wrong. It just is. If you need help navigating your intersecting identities, our counselors are here for you. We are a diverse group of people and personalities, with different lived experiences. I hope we can help!