Welcome to humanity

We all mess up, say things we don’t mean, and hurt people we love. Emotions can make us impulsive and impair our better judgment. This is especially the case during a pandemic when we’re already stressed. We are human, and therefore imperfect beings. When the inevitable happens and we do care about our partner, we really need to work towards repairing the relationship. Repair usually requires an apology. But why is it that hearing “I’m sorry” feels so important to us? And, why is it so hard to offer up these same words to others? Harriet Lerner lays these answers out beautifully in her important work, Why Won’t You Apologize? (2018). Here is what I took away from it.

Why an apology is important: it “gifts” in more ways than one

Lerner refers to three “gifts” of a proper apology. The first is a gift to the hurt person. We’ve all been that person who is hurt, waiting for an apology. We feel unseen. We obsess, ruminate, grit our teeth, or distance when we feel wronged by another. And it’s hard to let that go until something gives. The gift of apology repairs that person’s emotional safety after a rupture in a relationship, and allows the hurt party to let go of the yucky feelings and move forward.

Apologies are also a gift to the apologizer. It’s hard to apologize, of course...apologizing requires vulnerability. We don’t know how the other person will respond - will they accept our admission to the mistake and in turn, our imperfection? Apologizing can be scary because it can make us feel like we are giving up something, waving the proverbial white flag, perhaps providing ammo to be used against us at a later time! But in actuality, a genuine apology bolsters self-respect and self-worth because it’s a sign of maturity. We are owning the part of the interaction where we’ve messed up. If the hurt party is open enough to hear us, their respect for us might just go up a notch.

The final gift is to the relationship. Apologies are necessary to work towards repairing relationship ruptures. All relationships have disagreements and conflicts from time to time; how frequently those conflicts arise depends on how attuned we are to our partner’s needs and sensitivities, as well as our own capacity to regulate our emotions. But it’s how the conflict is handled that counts. This is supported by literature around couples therapy, which universally stresses that ruptures are inevitable, and it’s the repair that’s most important for maintaining healthy and mutually satisfying intimate relationships.

Genuine vs. half-assed apologies

Look, we’re not stupid. We can sense when an apology is not genuine, when the person saying the words are just trying to get it over with. Imagine the tone, “Well, SOR-RY!” or the words “I’m sorry you feel this way,” as if there was something wrong with you for feeling that way. Whether we’re the person giving the apology or receiving it, in the absence of a genuine apology that offers empathy and contrition, half-assed apologies can wreak havoc on connection. It often leaves the hurt party more hurt, upset and distant. And if it happens over and over in a relationship, it can tear apart an otherwise well meaning couple.

Think of it as a compilation of small cuts that receive inadequate care. Without antiseptic, bandage, and attention...they scar, over and over again. One cut doesn’t do harm, but many little cuts signal a threat to our sense of emotional safety and get our defenses up. No wonder one argument leads to a totally different unresolved issue! We’re less likely to share our true feelings, make bids for closeness, and trust that our person will show up to help us heal, bandage in hand.

Learning to accept apologies

As important as the apology itself is, the hurt party needs to be willing to receive the apology, as long as the trespass is not abusive. If we dismiss the apology by saying, “Eh, not a big deal..no need to apologize...it is what it is,” we send the message that their words or actions didn’t warrant a repair. When your partner genuinely wants to make amends, that response can come across as minimizing their efforts. As noted earlier, the apology is for the apologizer too.

In a different scenario, if we keep shaming the person for their mistake, even when they’re genuinely apologizing, we reinforce that apologies are no good here - aka, “Your apology doesn’t fix anything and I’m gonna stay mad at you anyways!” That’s you holding the grievance over your partner in a way they can never pay back. You’re essentially ignoring the cut or shoving it in their face without allowing them to tend to it.

Instead, try this: thank the apologizer for the apology. “I appreciate you for owning your part. Your apology means a lot to me.” This is the most helpful response for mending the wound and the relationship. It honors the cut and opens the doors for proper healing...scar tissues don’t stand a chance here!

The 9 elements of an effective apology*

Now that we’ve covered why apologies are important, genuine versus half-assed ones and the essence of accepting apologies, let’s talk about what makes for an effective apology.

So what exactly makes a “good” apology? Lerner highlights nine keys to an apology that works:

No “buts”. “I’m sorry, but…” cancels out whatever was said prior to the “but.” It infers to the hurt party, “I’m sorry but I’m actually not that sorry.”
Apologize for your actions/words, not for the hurt person’s response to those actions/words. Don’t say, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” because it implies that the hurt person is to blame for receiving the trespass as they did. Instead, we must take accountability by saying, “I’m sorry I did/said that to you.”
A good apology offers restitution. In other words, try to make up for it. If you bailed on a commitment, reschedule and be sure to show up.
Be mindful of over-doing your apology. If you apologize profusely and don’t let up, this interrupts the repair exchange. As Lerner delicately notes, it’s annoying. What’s more, if you over-apologize and add things like, “I’m the worst, I’m such a piece of shit!” you’re victimizing yourself and requiring the hurt party to then tend to your self-deprecation. Please don’t do that, it’s unfair.
There shouldn’t be an expectation that the other person apologizes as well. If you eff’d up, you eff’d up. Take ownership for your role in the conflict. If the other person also eff’d up, they should be able to come to that conclusion on their own. It doesn’t matter who started it.
Mean it when you say it won’t happen again. True apologies require that you stop repeating the same harmful behavior. This can be difficult with habitual responses, but if you’re genuinely sorry, you need to make a conscious effort to stop doing/saying the harmful thing.
Apologies shouldn’t be used to silence the other person. Depending on the delivery, apologies can be used to get the other person to shut up. This makes me think of the ol’, “Yes dear, I’m sorry dear, you’re right dear.” This is dismissive, disingenuous, and you’re being an ass-hat.
Don’t apologize just to ease a guilty conscience. A true apology should not serve to make you feel better if it might harm the other person. It’s not an apology if it’s for the sake of your own healing. This might be the case when someone is setting boundaries and has requested that you give them space and stop contacting them.
Expect nothing in return. Finally, when we apologize, you shouldn’t be asking the hurt party to do anything. You shouldn’t expect forgiveness or reassurance that you are well-intended. You give the apology for the other person’s sake and that’s it. No strings attached.

Easy-peasy, right? *Buzzer sound.* This stuff is hard AF, but such important work. In my next post, I’ll share more about our defenses during apologies and the step-by-step process on how to actually give and receive them.

In the meantime, need help making repairs in your relationship? I’ll be here.

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*Borrowed from Why Won’t You Apologize? By Harriet Lerner, PhD (2018).

Abby Erickson is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps people with anxiety and social anxiety learn ways to better manage their angst. She also helps people struggling with low self-esteem and body image issues be comfortable in their own skin. During her time at home, she's drawing from the challenges and wins in her own relationship to help couples and individuals feel more secure in their most important relationships.