Photo by Yerlin Matu on Unsplash
Losing a pet is devastating. It can be so jarring to our daily lives. Our little friend was with us on the daily - we spent every moment at home together, they slept at our feet, and they may have been closer to us than a fellow human being.
But many of us may feel like it’s not socially acceptable to make a big deal of it. Taking time off work, for instance: most of us don’t expect to get bereavement leave when we’ve lost a pet. Not to mention conversations with acquaintances! Have you ever heard this: “Oh, you’ll get over it! Are you going to get another pet?” How is that ever appropriate?! If someone had lost a kid, would they have said the same thing?
Because that’s what pets are like: a child, a family member, a close friend.
The sense of loss is constant
A year ago, I lost my cat of 19 years. It was the most disorienting thing. My partner and I had this family unit - it was us two and Tybo. Having him there was such a given, almost like Tybo was part of our house, built into the walls; a complete set.
Coming home to an empty house was heartbreaking. It was so quiet and still. I missed the ringing of his collar; his orangeness slipping past us, nuzzling our necks while we tried to sleep. His meowing, his purring, our meal routines, even our litter cleanup routine. These interactions, or there lack of, were constant reminders that he is no longer with us.
I imagined how much more heart broken I’d be if Tybo was my main companion, if we were not a trio, but a duo getting through life together, through all the ups and downs. I have all this love, and now all this grief. Where would I put these feelings?
Animals are a wonderful source of support and unconditional love, and losing them is one of the hardest things a person can go through. It’s the kind of life event that’s hard to explain to people who have never experienced it themselves.
The grief is real
When I lost Tybo, I took my grief seriously. I read about grief and loss and the psychology of these awful feelings. The pain can be as heart wrenching as losing a human loved one. That’s why hearing, “So when are you going to get another pet?” is so insensitive and infuriating.
Everyone expresses sadness in different ways, but some aspects of grief are universal. I realized I was experiencing all the stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance; sometimes in order and sometimes not. It felt like my grief process was both a classic textbook case: formulaic and predictable, yet deeply personal. Knowing others experience grief in similar ways made me feel less alone.
I’ve lost a few pets in my life, and I came out okay on the other end. It took a while and it wasn’t easy. However, these are some things that has helped me get through it.
Tips for coping with losing a pet
1. Let yourself feel all the feels
This is a horrible feeling. Let yourself cry, let yourself take a day off work if you can afford it. It’s your life, and your mental health that needs care and attention. You may feel complete despair, hopelessness, and confusion. Write about it in a journal if it helps you express your emotions fully. Don’t be hard on yourself for feeling this bad. These feelings will pass, but also know that it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling right now.
2. Do something special to honor your pet
My partner and I planted a peach tree in the back yard in honor of our orange tabby. We also made him a… wooden burial box (calling it a casket doesn’t sound right). We wrote love notes to him on the inside of the box and put his favorite toy in with him. We buried the box under the peach tree. We made a little gravestone out of pottery with his paw print on it and placed it in front of the tree. I think of him often when I look outside.
I’m getting teary now just thinking about it. It’s been nearly a year, and time helps me look back fondly, rather than from a place of despair. Having a little gravesite to remind us of him makes him feel close to us and us to him. The peaches are delicious, by the way.
Some people have a ceremony or a shrine in memory of their pets. Others make a photo album, or a scrapbook. And some frame a large photograph for their living room. Do whatever you find meaningful to you as you create something, anything, to represent how important this pet was to you and your family. The loss is real. Let’s honor it.
3. Talk to people about it
I initially felt a bit of shame feeling this bad about my cat. I thought…it’s just a cat (I was raised with the values that animals belong outside. On a farm or in the wild). So getting this attached to my cat was an unexpected life twist. But, considering Tybo was in my life for 11 of his 19 years, that’s a significant chunk of time. I was surprised at how understanding people were when I reached out and told them I was struggling.
Many people have experienced the loss of a pet, so while it’s not often talked about, your animal loving friends and relatives can probably relate to this feeling of loss. They can offer support, kind words, and a reminder that you’re not alone. If you don’t know anyone who can relate to this feeling and show support, a therapist is a safe person to bring this up with.
4. Remember how you got through difficult times in the past
Remember the last time you split up with a partner you cared deeply about, you thought you’d never get over them? You couldn’t imagine loving someone else, sharing a bed with someone else, and moving on. The thought made you shudder.
And then what happened? You found ways to live. You found happiness again, in a new way.
For me, the loss of a pet was different from losing a family member. A family member is truly irreplaceable. You’ll never have another mom, grandparent, or brother. And likewise, there will never be another Tybo - the goal is not to replace him or find one just like him. But the difference between losing a family member and a pet was the realization that I can find happiness with another pet. You too can find happiness with another little companion, if that’s what you want.
Another pet can bring you joy like you can’t imagine, in time.
Introducing our new furry companion
Over the summer, we adopted the best little guy from the Humane Society - a one year old yorkie we named Ziggy Stardog. At first I thought I’d feel guilty about Tybo; I was reminded of the loss constantly by the new addition to the house. I think about Tybo more now that Zigg is around. But the feelings that come up aren’t necessarily sad. Tybo would have eaten that, or Ziggy doesn’t open doors like Tybo used to. There will be comparisons, but I actually welcome those thoughts. They come naturally, and the reminders fill me with love for Tybo all over again.
Ziggy is a bundle of happiness and he is what makes pets amazing! All he wants is to run around and be free and explore. When he hops around the yard sniffing things, chasing bugs and chewing on my zucchini plants, I find myself growing more and more in love with his pure animal innocence and joy.
I can love Ziggy and have a place in my heart for Tybo, now and always. As I allow my heart to attach to an animal, yet again, I know Ziggy will fill me with much love, companionship, and long walks around our neighborhood.
There is hope.
Bringing you hope
If you find yourself struggling with the loss of a pet, or other life transitions, our team of counselors are here to help. It is not silly to be affected by life’s circumstances. Life happens and we can all use a little help along the way. We’d love to be that person for you.
Karen Lenz is the Office Whiz Extraordinaire at People Bloom Counseling. She writes blog posts as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. She hopes this blog helps you get through your pet loss. She finds herself laughing out lout at Ziggy’s silliness, like she just heard a great joke. This blog is written in memory of Tybo and in celebration of Ziggy.