Photo by Chris Ainsworth on Unsplash
I remember years ago sitting in a Starbucks with a friend who told me, “I said no the wrong way. I say yes, and then no.” At the time, I simply accepted the statement, but now I’m thinking, What’s so wrong about that?
Recently a friend of mine got COVID while her partner was out of town. A mutual friend put out a request that it would help her greatly if our small community could take turns bringing over food and some groceries. One person had already delivered chicken soup but additional volunteers were needed. We were out on an RV trip and still a week from being home, but I asked for her address thinking I’d have a box of goodies delivered to cheer her up.
We were boondocking and didn’t always have the best cell service. I’d try logging on at night, looking up groceries and treats to delight her, but for one reason or another, the search took forever, the box wasn’t going to arrive until a week later... I frankly wasn’t in the right headspace to figure out what to put in the cart.
Finally I texted the group, saying that I overcommitted and wouldn’t be able to help this time. Someone else dropped off food and soon after that, her partner came home.
Looking back, I could’ve paused before committing to something. My heart went out to her and what would’ve been an easy ask felt much harder to deliver. The thing is, while it was difficult to say yes and then no, it would’ve been even more difficult to keep saying yes when the answer is now a no.
It is okay to change your mind, to realize you overdid your schedule and to go back on a request. While there are some decisions that are better made without waffling back and forth, others can be changed. I’m not encouraging you to develop a habit of saying yes and then no. Rather, I’m inviting you to listen to your physical and emotional bandwidth and how they differ from day-to-day.
There’s more than one way to say no and that’s okay.
If you need help setting boundaries in your life, our team of counselors are here to help! We’d help you pull through the commitments you swear by and support you in letting go of the things that are now a no.
Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. Today, she said yes to a morning run before it got too hot outside. Tonight, she’d say no to cooking and heat up some frozen dumplings. May your day be filled with yeses and nos.