Photo by Naassom Azevedo on Unsplash
In my work with couples, I have yet to meet a couple who is exactly on the same page. As much as partners often talk about wanting to be on the same page, part of the work is first getting on the same book about the value of seeing things from the others’ perspective.
Is this the only way?
Certainly, your way of managing this or that situation could be familiar and could have some merit to it, but does it work for all scenarios? If anything, this year has taught me that a strength in one situation could be a detriment in another. And, having been married for a decade, which is no small thing and also not quite long enough, I’ve learned that there’s more than one way to do things.
Let me give you an example.
It’s not what you think
When my now husband and I were dating, we flew to Hawaii to visit his extended family. In his late 90’s, his grandpa was frail but could still recognize faces and congratulated us on our recent engagement. He mentioned very briefly that he’d love a map of Japan to put on his wall, and my future MIL took it to heart. On a couple of occasions, (I call her mom now) mom asked my husband to remember to order grandpa a map of Japan and ship it to him. While we were still in Hawaii, I was looking up that very thing and wanting my husband to finalize it since he knows his grandpa better than I do.
Before we knew it, we were back in Seattle and had forgotten about it. Then grandpa died.
We’re never going to live this one down
I was sad, but the first thought I had was how we never mailed grandpa that map of Japan! Oh shit! We’re never going to live this one down! You see, in my family growing up, when my parents mention something one time, there's an expectation that it’s going to be done and done quickly. In fact, if I can learn to mind-read and anticipate what they might need before they even ask, that’s even better! So, when grandpa has clearly indicated an interest and mom mentioned it a couple of times, this was a big deal. So I thought.
I brought it up to my partner and asked why he didn’t take it seriously. He then explained to me that his family is different. His family is not like my family. Mom mentioned it in the spur of the moment and likely had forgotten she ever said it. And lo and behold, at the funeral and thereafter, not another word about a map of Japan, as if it never happened.
How interesting. A bit refreshing, I thought. Don’t have to anticipate needs. If it’s really important, then it’ll be conveyed as such and we’d know to take it seriously. Otherwise, it would’ve been nice but otherwise not necessary.
I can relax a bit.
Not in my family
Just last month, my Papa’s family friend in the Bay area moved into a nursing facility. Now 90, he’s still getting around but has a lot of aches and pains. Papa has been advocating for this massage gun that he has gotten off Amazon and has been telling everyone about how it does wonders! Eager to care for this “uncle,” Papa in Canada promptly WhatsApped me the screenshots of this massage gun, along with his friend’s new address, so I can order and ship it from Amazon US.
You see, this is not a it-would-be-nice-if-I-can kind of situation. It is a I-better-get-this-item-to-this-uncle-before-he-croaks-or-else kind of scenario. It doesn’t matter if this “uncle” ends up using it or whether it’ll be helpful to him. Papa wants it done, it needs to be done. After adding a nice gift message, I had it shipped the following day and Papa confirmed that it was received.
Effort made. Loop closed. I haven’t been disowned. Okay, so being disowned is probably too strong of a word, but you get what I mean. Maybe.
A nice combination
The thing is, there’s not right or wrong, good or bad. Families are different and there are pros and cons to each. Over time, my husband has taught me to not care as much because it is tiring to feel like I’m responsible for making things happen. On the other hand, I’ve modeled for my husband to be thoughtful and prompt in situations where it matters. There’s a time and a place to read between the lines but hopefully it’s not all the time. That’s a nice combination.
Differences in your family
Rather than having you twist into a pretzel to meet the needs of two or more sets of families in the way that you know how, what would it be like to follow your partner’s lead and do it their way? What possibilities will that bring? What can you unlearn and relearn about differing values and expectations in that process?
Many of the couples we work with come in with these differences, and more. Let us know if we can help you get on the same book.
Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. She and her husband complement each other. They joke that between the two of them, they worry about everything.