Teens: 7 Tips to Help a Friend who’s Feeling Suicidal

Photo by Duy Pham on Unsplash

Dating myself

When I was a teen in the mid-90’s, the internet was just becoming a thing. Rumors were spread through word of mouth or note passing. I know. Hard to believe. When high school drama happened, the same news lasted for days, sometimes weeks. It meant that if I had a spat with one group of friends and tried to join another, I had time to go through the highs and lows of what happened.

Comparing myself to others was inevitable, but was limited only to people I knew. Popular culture still held impossible beauty standards, but photoshop did not exist back then. Mario Kart and Street Fighter were the video and arcade games of the time and shows like 13 Reasons Why were unfathomable. I was an average student and the pressure to excel and competitive college admission were not nearly as grueling as they are today.

It’s so different being a teen in 2019.

If I were a teen today

I’ve visited schools like Redmond High, Lake Washington, and Bellevue High and I try to imagine what it’s like to walk the halls as a student. That would probably be hard to pull off. But I still try to imagine it.

I wonder if I would feel included. Would I put on my ear buds and appear to not care?
Fire drills would be as boring as they were in the 90s, but how would I feel about active shooter drills?

Scrolling through Instagram, would I obsess over who my ex is talking to? I imagine the thoughts that would run through my mind incessantly: I wonder if he’s talking to Kenzie. Why can’t I get my IG posts to look like Kenzie’s? Why did I wear these tights today? My over-sized sweater isn’t oversized enough to cover my butt. I don’t feel ready for the math quiz even though I stayed up until 1am, studying for it. Sam will probably ask me if I want any edibles again. Awkward.

That’s probably a toned down version of what some of you might be going through. There is so much pressure on teens to be and do and act a certain way. Sometimes, the pressures of life push people to the brink of considering ending their lives, even if these thoughts and feelings are fleeting.

Jack Klott, an expert on suicide prevention talks about thoughts of suicide being a common experience. When life feels unbearable, suicide is seen as a way to end the pain. While this may not be your experience, here is how to help a friend who is feeling suicidal.

Tips for helping a friend who talks about wanting to end their life

1. Try to stay calm – I say try to because I know it’s not easy. Your friend is talking about wanting to do something that’s completely irreversible and you ought to take their words seriously. But, when you’re freaking out, it can send the message that they should’ve never told anyone and cue them to go back to isolating themselves.

2. Thank them for telling you – it takes a lot of courage to admit that they’re struggling and struggling to this extent. In an age of image crafting where people put their best everything forward, any signs of vulnerability should be encouraged. Yes, whether they’re telling you for the 1st time or the Nth time, thank them for sharing with you.

3. Tell them they mean a lot to you – one of the reasons why people want to end their lives is because they didn’t think life is worth living. People stay alive because they’re hopeful about the future, because they have friends and family who care about them, because they cannot leave their dog, because their faith prohibits them, because the physical pain will be too much, and for many other reasons. While you are not responsible for their life, you can be a potential reason for them to choose to live. Tell them they matter to you.

4. Touch base with them – even though you may not know how to help your friend who feels suicidal, staying in touch sends the message that you care. Your presence, your willingness to be in their lives is telling them, “I see you. I’m here for you. How are you today?”

5. Tell them about the following resources:

   • Teen Link is a confidential and anonymous hotline in WA staffed by teen volunteers trained to talk to other teens who are going through a tough time: call or text (866) 833-6546.

   • National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: (800) 273-TALK (8255) or text CONNECT to 741741 in the United States.

   • TrevorLifeline for the LGBTQ community: (866) 488-7386 or text START to 678678 in the United States.

   • Now Matters Now has many videos to help people deal with suicidal thoughts

6. Talk to an adult – you are a teen yourself, feeling some of the same pressures mentioned. Don’t bear this burden alone or amongst your friend group. Even if your friend who disclosed disclosed in confidence that you keep this a secret, we take thoughts and talks of suicide very seriously. Tell a coach, a teacher, a school counselor, a parent. Any adult. They have access to more resources and have more life experiences and training to get help for your friend.

7. Take care of yourself – it’s hard being the one holding the weight of this disclosure. A part of being able to share the burden with adults is so you can free up some space to take care of you. Please talk to others about how you’re doing. Keep going to your basketball practice, jamming out to Taylor Swift, and doing all the things you used to care about. You’re not responsible for your friend but you are responsible for you.

Support for you

If you need someone to talk to about these matters or the challenges of being a teen, we’re here for you. Bob Russell sees a lot of teen boys and Abby Erickson, girls. Let us know how we can help.

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. She’s committed to helping people find a life worth living, no matter their age. 

A Life Worth Living: What to Do When Faced with Thoughts of Suicide

Photo by Larisa Birta on Unsplash

Death by suicide

Social media blew up two weeks ago when fashion icon Kate Spade and culinary expert Anthony Bourdain died by suicide days of each other. After all, who doesn’t know the brand Kate Spade, hasn’t walked past one of her stores, or perhaps own one of her purses? Foodie or not, who hasn’t heard of Anthony Bourdain and his culinary storytelling that sparks interest and delight in food and cultures all around the world?

News like this often get the immediacy of the press and then slowly fade away. However, if you are familiar with the feelings of suicide or have lost family, friends and role models to suicide, you do not just recover and move on. These thoughts, feelings and images still consume your mind even when the news has moved to national crises like the horror of separating immigrant children from their families.

Suicide unfortunately happens amongst everyday folks, and this rarely makes the news or causes a social media uproar. While Spade and Bourdain may have been inspiring role models, their deaths didn’t spur this strong reaction because they matter more than the rest of us. It is because high profile celebrity suicides affect our collective consciousness and bring awareness to a problem people face in their small communities. We want to open the discussion about suicide and what we can do to prevent it.

Soapbox about suicide language

As a healthcare professional in the state of Washington, I am required to take a suicide prevention training every six years. One of the most significant takeaways from the last training was changing the way we talk about suicide. We often talk about someone having “committed suicide.” If we really stop to think about it, the closest association of someone having “committed” something is a crime.

While we would never say that someone “committed cancer” or “committed heart disease,” let’s start by saying that it was death by suicide. I understand that suicide implies a choice whereas medical illnesses does not, but it doesn’t help for us to talk about our struggles if we’re loading on the stigma.

Thoughts about ending the pain: a common experience

Recently, I took another suicide and self-harm training. This time, it was with Jack Klott, a suicide prevention consultant. There, I learned that the thoughts of suicide is actually a common experience. Difficult or sometimes chronic life circumstances can create a felt sense of unbearable pain. This then challenges our capacity to cope, and thinking about death is an effort to get rid of this intolerable pain.

The thing is, as a society, we freak out when someone talks about thoughts of suicide. We are quick to talk them off the ledge, which in imminent situations, we need to. But in cases where it took a lot of courage to even admit to having these thoughts, it doesn’t help to be told to not think or feel this way. Rather, we need a be willing to learn about each others’ pain and to encourage the person with suicidal thoughts to get help.

Additional factors to protect against suicide

Indeed, having a support network is a protective factor in preventing suicide. Jack Klott also mentioned the importance of the following factors:

• Resilience. This is about the process of adapting and recovering from significant stress or hardships. In a separate training, I learned and shared about stress-resilience habits.
  

• Hope. Remind yourself how you got through difficult circumstances in the past, because you have. When it’s hard to hold hope, allow and trust others to hold that with you and for you.
  

• Tolerate stress and distress. In moments of despair, it’s about surviving that moment without making matters worse. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is a pioneer in teaching you how to tolerate, rather than avoid, distress. Here’s an overview on distress tolerance.
  

• Regulate emotions. In the face of unbearable pain, emotions are strong and overwhelming. This often prevents your pre-frontal cortex from thinking rationally. Learning DBT skills can help you label and regulate your emotions, so you don’t feel so crazy inside.
  

• Social support. I mentioned it above, but I see it’s such a necessity to mention it again. Suicidal thoughts are a common experience. The only way we can feel less alone about it is if we give it a collective voice. Much like the #metoo movement, don’t suffer in silence. Reach out if you’re having a hard time. Reach in if you know someone is struggling. We are each others’ safety net.
  

• A reason for living. Did you know that a lot of amazing things needed to occur for you to be born? The odds of you being born to the parents you were born to required a lot of “coincidences” in the history that preceded them. And I’m not even talking about how babies are made. That math is 1 in 400,000,000,000. You’re uniquely you. While you might not be a Kate Spade or an Anthony Bourdain, this world is not the same without you. You are changing the world by being in it and doing you.

Life is hard; get help

If you’re struggling with thoughts about suicide, share these thoughts with a trusted friend or healthcare professional. Text CONNECT to 741741 in the United States. Call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at (800) 273-TALK (8255). Visit Now Matters Now to learn helpful ways to deal with your suicidal thoughts.

For people living outside of the US, International Association for Suicide Prevention has a list of resources to help you.

You don’t have to go about this alone. Get help.

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Ada Pang, MS, LMFT is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond therapy practice in WA. At the heart of what she does, she’s about helping people flourish and live compassionate and vital lives. She can be found at PeopleBloomCounseling.com.

3 More Tips for Managing your Depression Outside of the Therapy Room

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It's hard to get off your couch. It can be hard on a day when it's nice and sunny, and even harder on a day like today. Don't let depression detour you from living your life! Here are additional tips for managing your symptoms, the last one being my favorite:

1. Keep (some sort of) a schedule. It's Friday, what's there to do? What about next Tuesday? What makes life happen for you? Plan for it, put it on your schedule, and DO it!
2. Connect with your social capital. Human contact is SUPER important to get us through tough times and to remind us there's a world outside of ourselves. Who's your community? Don't shut them out! Let them in...
3. Take your thoughts less seriously! There's an average of 60,000 thoughts that go through our minds each day, and yet, we put a lot of weight on some and not on others. Having a regular meditation practice is one way to help you notice your thoughts as nothing more than just thoughts.

Here are tips from an earlier post. 

Need more and wish to come into the therapy room? Call me up!

5 Tips for Managing your Depression Outside of the Therapy Room

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Everywhere you look you see the evidence of spring. The days are getting longer, there are intermittent sun breaks, and the flowers are budding. Somehow you think your depression should be lifted by now; yet you still feel crummy. When you're feeling low, chances are you'd want to watch 5 hours of Netflix, eat a gallon of ice cream and crawl into bed. It is very counter-intuitive to leave the house, go for a walk, soak up some sun, or call up a friend.

And, that's exactly what is going to help you get through that funk! If you wait until you feel better before doing something, it might never happen! And even if it does happen, it'll be sporadic and very mood-dependent.

Here are 5 tips for managing your depression outside of the therapy room:

1. Get some physical activity. I'm not talking exercise, because when I say exercise, people think of the gym. Go for a walk, do yoga, shoot some hoops. Any activity that gets your body moving is better than no activity at all.
2. Go do something you enjoy! Is it strolling the farmer's market, picking up your guitar, or watching a funny movie? Pleasurable activities disrupt the cycle of depression and rumination.
3. Choose healthy food options. Eat even when you don't have the appetite and slow down your eating if you have a tendency to overeat. Food is fuel, so what you eat and how much you eat matters.
4. Bathe in the sun. Sun exposure will help your brain release the hormone serotonin, which is a natural mood enhancer. 
5. Have a regular waking and sleeping schedule. Get the optimal amount of sleep that's needed for your body. When you're tempted to nap, transition to a less sedentary activity.

Stay tune for more tips! Need more help than reading a blog? Give me a call!