You've Got Cancer? What shouldn't I do?
Wanna make someone feel worse when they've cancer? Here's how:
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Talk even when you don't know what to say - Years ago when my friend's wife was diagnosed with leukemia, his buddy didn't know what to say, so he said this: “Man, at least you get to marry another woman...”
Begin your sentences with “At least” - If you want to minimize one's experience with cancer (or anything for that matter) and remind them how much better they have it compared to people in Syria, the words, “at least” is the way to go.
Tell them you understand when you really don't - A patient has taught me I can only guess or imagine what it's like to be in their shoes; to say that I understand when I've never been can be a real put off.
Share about your aunt's cancer story, and your grandma's... - Not to say there isn't a time and place to share cancer experiences, but just because you have a story to tell does not mean the one with the cancer wants to hear it. It helps to ask first.
Expect that things are back to normal post-treatment – Meal delivery is over, hair is growing back, party pics made it on FB, life's back to normal, right? Cancer brings a new normal. While it might not be your job to constantly remind the other of their cancer, just know that this is only the beginning of the journey.
Here's an earlier post on what to do instead.
And if you need help navigating through all this, give me a call!
You've Got Cancer? What can I Do?
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Ever wonder how to approach a friend, a loved one when they are first diagnosed with cancer and going through treatment? Here's my first post on what to do. What not to do will come later...
Do nothing – Gotcha! Sometimes there isn't anything to do but to simply be with that person.
Validate – Let them know that it must be very hard for them... You can't imagine... This really sucks!
Offer company – Sometimes in our not knowing what to do, we disappear. Offer your presence, hear them out, hang out.
Talk about something else – Cancer can be all consuming. While it might be important to give cancer its spotlight, let's also move onto something else.
Offer help – What can you do? What can be helpful? Want a ride to an appointment? Oil change? Go to a ball game?
Set up long-term help – It's hard to ask for ongoing help, let alone when you're emotionally overloaded. Assuming you know your friend, you can set up meal delivery, house cleaning, and baby sitting, email treatment updates, etc.
Bring comfort - Cancer treatment is unnerving for the human body, in more ways than one. Find out what will bring comfort to your loved one and do it! Is it a particular type of food for the foodie, flowers for the visually stimulated, or a card for the, um, card person?!
Use humor - Break up the monotony! A friend recently told me this was the funniest thing she had said to her while going through treatment: “Well, you're the healthiest looking sick person I've ever seen!” Sure, be sensitive, but know that cancer patients need to laugh too.
Touch - Cancer can make your loved one feel like their body is damaged. Don't be afraid to offer touch.
Help need walking your loved one through cancer? I'm here!
Lessons from Cancer?
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I was recently asked to comment on whether there might be any positives to the cancer experience. As a Medical Family Therapist with a special interest in working with those touched by cancer, I quickly put on my thinking cap...
Cancer sucks AND it can also a great teacher. It can force you to reconsider your life and what you're living for and why. It can make you realize you do have a choice beyond the auto-pilot of daily living and that pace is yours to set. It can help you question your own mortality and those around you and hopefully, guide you to better the elements of relationships that are within your control. Cancer can also pull together communities to support you and connect you with those you didn't know well, while deepening existing relationships. That said, cancer also puts you on the receiving end such that you might, perhaps for the first time, learn to receive rather than give.
Let me know if you'd want more!
Chronic Worrier, Anybody?
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No doubt, we all worry. What is that person going to think of me? Am I going to make this work deadline? What if it rains tomorrow and we need to take the party inside? When there's an actual threat of something going awry, worrying can be helpful because it motivates us into planning ahead and changing the things we can.
However, often times, worrying stems from a perception or a fear of things going wrong. It then becomes unhelpful when we're worrying for the sake of worrying, or when we think that worrying can somehow help us cope with life's problems. We get caught up in this endless loop.
Here are some ways to interrupt the cycle of chronic worrying:
Identify your triggers – what gets you worrying in the first place? Then what thoughts and feelings did you have next? If you don't recognize the cycle, you can't stop it.
Ask yourself, “Is there a problem to be solved?” – if you legitimately need to work a few extra hours to meet the deadline or come up with a plan B for the party, do it! If not, notice that your mind is playing the “worry tape” again.
Drop the struggle - “Don't worry, be happy!” If this had worked, we wouldn't have 40 million people in the US struggling with some form of anxiety. Intentionally trying to stop thinking about something only makes you think about it more. Try it now. Don't think about a white polar bear. What happens? You think about a white polar bear. It's not about fighting with your thoughts, but letting them come and go.
Notice your thoughts – is your mind feeding you worries that are “what if's,” unhelpful patterns that you can do little about? If so, acknowledge those thoughts again and again, but choose to not engage further. One way to do so, according to the tradition of Acceptance Commitment Therapy, is to say, “Thanks mind!” This may sound weird at first, but try it! You're re-training your mind and flexing that muscle differently, with time.
Stay in the present – worrying takes you into the future that has not yet happened and that likely won't happen the way you envision it. Thus, when you find your mind drifting to the worries of the unknown future, bring your mind back to the here and now, over and over again. Come back to this moment, the only moment you have to live in and can do something about.
Accept the unknown – you want things to happen a certain way: to arrive home accident-free, for the cake to not topple over, to win the project bid... Who doesn't? Yet, there are so many things you have little control over. Acknowledge that you are limited, still make plans, but hold them loosely.
Here's an earlier post on what to do with runaway thoughts.
Need more? Give me a call!
The Guest House
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This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
- Rumi
Coming Through
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Break Up Haircut
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A break up, whether planned or a shock, cordial or full of conflict, is a significant event. It's not uncommon for men and women to make radical changes following a heartbreak. For some women, they cut their hair. Why?
Here are my speculations:
1) Stereotypically, men like women with long hair. If there's a desire to dissociate yourself from your ex and his preferences, chopping off your hair will make the statement, both to him and yourself.
2) Perhaps you've always wanted a new look but it wasn't preferred by your partner. Now you get to make the decision for yourself.
3) Look at yourself in the mirror. Short of changing out your wardrobe, your hair is an easy thing you can doing something about. A new hairstyle is not going to solve all of your problems, but it does give you some very visible control over your circumstances.
4) I'm often amazed at how fast my hair grows without me realizing. While that's not always the case for everyone, seeing new growth is also a reminder of the life possible after a break-up. Your hair will grow back, so your heart will also mend. If you keep the same style, growth is less noticeable.
If a new look is not enough to help you move on, let me know!
Bringing (Another) Baby Home
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I was recently asked to comment on how to prepare your child for the arrival of another sib. If it's true that nothing changes the lifestyle of a couple more than the addition of a first baby, then the birth of a sibling must be just as radical for the once-upon-a-time only child. You hear stories of jealousy and parents feeling guilty about not being able to spend as much time with the older child. Know that those moments will naturally happen, and there are also things you can do to make the transition smoother.
- Keep them in the know: using language that your child would understand, let them know that mommy is prego and the family is expecting another wonderful kiddo!
- The 9-month period is a process: in the same way you'd go for your ultrasound, go through body changes, and perhaps experience morning sickness, cravings, etc, let your child know that you went through similar and/or different things when pregnant the first time. Talk about your first pregnancy and what that was like.
- Use other families as examples: talk about uncle Billy or family friend Susie and how there are x number of kids in the home and that makes them siblings.
- Refer to books: there are a ton of helpful books for children about bringing a baby home. Examples include Babies Don't Eat Pizza, I am a Big Brother, I am a Big Sister, I'm a Big Brother, My New Baby, and the classic The Berenstain Bears' New Baby.
- Talk about feelings: what is it like for your child to think about having another sibling? Use different mediums to express those feelings, be it drawing, storytelling, acting, etc. Validate all feelings, especially the ones that are hard. Share your own feelings about growing the family.
- Increase involvement: how would your child like to help decorate the baby's room? What is one or more toy(s) your child would like to put in there? Come feel the baby moving inside mommy's tummy!
- Anticipate challenges: explain that parents will be busy, sleep deprived and probably crankier, grandma will be over more, and your child won't get as much time with parents, etc. Nonetheless, it doesn't change how much your child is loved.
- Propose a tentative new routine: bedtime story might be with different adults, 1:1 time to spend with your child might vary depending on the day, etc. Talk about the non-negotiables: your child will still get fed, need to brush their teeth, go to bed...
- Go over coping skills: in non-urgent situations, and your child wants the attention of pre-occupied adults, what to do instead, for a moment? Color, build Legos, draw, play house...
Enjoy the journey, knowing that the chaos will only be for a while, until you establish a new normal...
Need more support? I love helping people through life transitions! Contact me!
Are you Practicing Emotional Hygiene?
My friend showed me this Ted Talk on how we tend to neglect our psychological health. Check it out: