Want to Live Happier, Longer, Healthier? Here's how

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The Grant Study

Robert Waldinger, the 4th and current director of the Harvard study of adult development tracked the lives of a group of men for 75 years. The goal of the study was to identify the factors that predict healthy aging. The study compared Harvard graduates with a group of disadvantaged youths in Boston. They studied their medical records, which included blood work and brain scans. They also interviewed their children and captured on camera interactions with their spouses. What they learned was profound. Contrary to the belief that wealth, success, or fame will bring us happiness, “Good relationships keep us happier and healthier, period”.

Here are some lessons learned from Waldinger's study:

1. Social connections are vital to our health and well-being. Conversely, loneliness kills us. Men in the study who reported feeling lonely faced earlier declines in health and brain functioning.
2. It matters NOT the number of friends on FB or followers on Instagram and Pinterest; what's more important is the quality of our close relationships. High conflict relationships is a good predictor of poor health, whereas safe, secure relationships is a protective factor for our physical, and I would argue, mental and emotional health.
3. Good relationships keep the brain sharper and for longer. Being in a securely attached relationship at old age is a buffer against memory loss. While our relationships will not be smooth all the time, the ability to be able to count on the other can help us weather through the storms of life.

Here's Waldinger's study on Ted Talk: 

Old news

The thing is, there is nothing new under the sun. In 1988, sociologist James House studied a group of residents in MI and found that people who were social connected lived longer. With subsequent studies, House concluded that social isolation is as dangerous to our health as obesity and smoking.

In 2002, professor James Coyne noted that for men and women with congestive heart failure, a good marriage gives a person the will, “to fight their way back to health”. In fact, the quality of these patients' relationship was a good predictor for which patients will be alive four years later.

In 2006, Louise Hawkley and her colleagues published an article confirming that aging Americans who are lonely are at greater risk for increased blood pressure. And the list goes on.

Then and now

The sad thing is, Waldinger noted that at any given moment, 20% of Americans will report feeling lonely. That's no small number.

And my mind wanders to how we used to live in caves and were a part of a tribe. The men hunted and gathered and the women cleaned, cooked and cared for the kids. Imagine if one of the men woke up one day and said, “Hey buddies, not feelin' it. I think I'm just gonna stay in my cave...” It's either that he has to get up anyway because his buddies won't let him have it, or he and his family go hungry and their genes never made it.

The last I checked, the vast majority of Americans no longer live in communities. We're more mobile, moving half way across the country or across the world, away from our natural supports. We work more hours, sleep less and we are careful with the time that we do have. Who is worthy of our time? Often, that's reduced to our immediate family. And of the (fewer) relationships that we do have, we put more eggs in those baskets. Those relationships matter more to us because they are it.

In comes Emotionally Focused Therapy

Sue Johnson, the co-founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), argues that we often look to our partners to satisfy the emotional connection that people from generations ago got from a whole village. When we have such high expectations of our adult love relationships, so much is at stake.

In fact, Waldinger's findings would not surprise Johnson. She was the one who pointed to the wealth of research noted above. I have heard her argue for why James Bond would be a hot mess if he were to come into my therapy office because we are NOT meant to be unattached and self-sufficient. We are made for close, secure attachment with our significant other.

Waldinger acknowledged the "What": accounting for the presence of physical pain in men in their 80's, those in a satisfied relationship stayed happy. One of Johnson's friends, neuroscientist Jim Coan, explained the "Why": the perception of pain is curved by being in a supportive, happy relationship.

Going forward

My pledge to you is similar to that of Waldinger's: go seek out a friend and connect offline. Go mend a broken relationship. Be open to new friendships. Make small steps toward expanding your social connections.

If you long to be close and securely attached to your partner, I'm here!

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Ada Pang, MS, LMFT is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond counseling practice in WA. She's a Licensed and Marriage Therapist and she loves helping distressed couples learn to connect in a safe and secure way. When she's not meeting with clients, she loves working on her business and expanding her reach to help more hurting people. And when she's not working, she has been frequenting various farmers' market and feasting on summer fruits.

How to Talk to your Partner about your Problems and Why this Works

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How I talked to my partner

A few years ago, there was an incident that made me feel disconnected in my marriage to my husband. It bothered me enough that I brought it up the same day. At first, my husband's response made me feel like it was a joke. When I pressed further about how much it impacted me, he took it seriously and said that it wouldn't happen again. My husband is a good guy and I believed him. I still believe him, but there was something unsettling about how that conversation ended. 

How are you talking to your partner?

I bet you I'm not the only person to dread difficult conversations with my partner. Ever brought up a heavy topic and realized how hard it is to drudge through it? Or, it doesn't go well and you end up on a tangent about unresolved issues? Things get shoved under the rug, but never really resolved and the next time you argue, it's the same old, same old?

That's because these conversations are hard. It's easier to put a bandaid on it; only it's a temporary fix. You might have read about using “I statements,” balancing every 1 negative statement with 5 positive statements, or not attacking your partner. While these may be good communication skills to have, when you're emotionally charged, all those tools go out the window.

What to do instead

I remember as a kid carrying this card around that reads, “If you want to know how to keep an idiot busy for hours, turn this card over” and of course it says the same on the back. The thing is, when something doesn't work, you should really try doing differently.

Borrowing from the tradition of Emotionally Focused Therapy, here is what to do instead:

• speak to your emotions - “I'm angry that you made me look like a fool in front of our friends.”
• speak to how you perceived yourself - “That made me feel like I wasn't important in your eyes.”
• speak to how you perceived your partner - “I thought you did it on purpose.”
• speak to your deeper emotions about your relationship longing - “When that happened, I felt hurt and unloved.”
• speak to your relationship need - “What I really want is to know that I still mattered to you and that I can trust you to have my back like I have yours.”
• speak to what you need as a repair - “I can really use a hug right now.”

Now granted, this is meant to be a 2-way conversation and I've only given you one-side of the dialog. Considering that your partner is loving and supportive, hearing about your deeper needs would usually move them closer to you. And, if this sounds foreign, it is. But, this gets at the root of the matter, rather than staying focused on the content of what happened. Content changes, like hats, but at the core is whether two individuals feel like they're available, engaged and responsive to each others' needs.

Why this works

Emotionally Focused Therapy views adult love relationships from an attachment lens. Consider this Still Face Experiment video and how a baby reacts to a present, then distant mother:

(Please note there is a similar, longer video about babies' attachment to their fathers.)

Sue Johnson, the co-developer of EFT argues that intimate relationships mirror that of an infant-mother relationship. With almost three decades of research behind her, Sue notes that as adults:

• we desire to maintain closeness with our partner
• we need assurance from our partner when we're upset
• we feel distressed when we experience distance from or a loss of connection with our partner
• when we feel like our partner has our back, we feel more confident exploring the world
• when we feel secure in our relationship, we could reach out and connect easily
• if that secure bond with our partner is threatened, we get anxious, angry and controlling or we avoid contact altogether

All of these responses and patterns are mirrored in the above video. 

Can you see how unless you speak to the threatened bond between you and your partner, the argument will just play itself out in similar ways the next time?

What it looked like for me

So I went back to my husband a couple of years ago and told him how that particular issue continued to bother me. He was a little agitated at first and then surprised that it remained an unresolved issue. “I thought we've talked about this?!” He again reassured me that it wouldn't happen again and that I could trust him and him me. For reasons I couldn't pinpoint at first, his response was still dissatisfying.

Two months ago, I went back to him, yet again after an intensive EFT training. That conversation was heart-palpitating, armpit-sweating, and tears-flowing and I wanted to talk about everything else but that. But trust me, it was well worth it. I told my husband that this incident three years ago continued to bother me because I felt disconnected and hurt and that it threatened our relationship. I told him that I do trust him but I also needed to know that he loved me.

Husband was agitated, but softened up when he heard that I felt hurt. He's in disbelief that I wouldn't bring this up again a 4th time, but reassured me that he loved me and apologized that his actions hurt me.

I can understand why my husband would be in disbelief, but what he didn't see was a healing that happened with that repair. I felt lighter and closer to him. No further conversation is needed because that sense of safety and security is restored and deepened. What's more, when we feel safe and secure in our relationship, we can be vulnerable to share our deepest fears and longings. That same evening, my husband turned around and shared situations where he felt left out and I've since been mindful of how to better include him. Vulnerability begets vulnerability and it brings us closer together.

Need help?

That sense of connection, safety and closeness is not built overnight. It takes two people who want it and are willing to work on it. See me as a coach. I'm here when you're ready.

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Ada Pang, MS, LMFT is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond counseling practice in WA. She loves helping committed couples who have grown apart find each other again. She's recognizing that during difficult conversations with her husband, she'd rather talk about the pretty skies or the crawling spider than the issue at hand. Yet, she's learning to stick with it. Seeing the fruits of that, she'd want to help you do the same. 

Is Pokémon Go Ruining your Relationship? Here's what You can Do about it

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What's happening?

You don't need me to tell you that Pokémon Go came out this weekend and our country went mad. There was an epic number of people on city streets, all staring down at phones. In the overlapping worlds of virtual and real realities, people are capturing wild Pokémons and training them to fight in “gyms”.

Pros to Pokémon Go

There have certainly been some benefits to this social phenomena, with pockets of strangers turning into allies, crossing age divides, and strategizing around game secrets. It's likely boosting our economy, with businesses more frequented and phone chargers in greater demand. I also see it as an opportunity for people to leave the house and get fresh air. And, it encourages exercise: the greater the distance you go, the more items you can lock in.

Thrillest even joked about Pokémon Go being the new dating app:

And one person did get a date, while families talked about Pokémon Go giving them something to do together and connecting them.  

Cons to Pokémon Go

On the flip side, it didn't take long for there to be multiple concerns for public safety. There were numerous trespasses in parks and yards, and armed robberies of players preoccupied on their phones in broad daylight or lured to secluded places at night.

Playing Pokémon Go has caused both major car accidents and minor cuts and bruises. Road signs are encouraging people, “Don't Pokemon and Drive. ”The City of Miami Police posted a video educating parents on the potential dangers.

I can only imagine the list growing as we speak.

What about relationships?

The Huffington Post and Buzzfeed captured tweets of distressed individuals in relationships where Pokémon Go has taken precedence. The words “divorce” and “Pokémon Go” were lumped together, and had some asking for marriage counselors.

New York Mag showed similar tweets of men neglecting their relationships, and a dad catching a Pokémon while his wife is in labor.

Sure, some of these posts might be exaggerated, but Pokémon Go is causing rifts in relationships, regardless of whether lovers are competing or only one partner is hooked on the game.

What can you do about it?

First of all, if you're an individual playing and looking for tips on how to play responsibly, the LA County Sheriff's Department can speak more eloquently to that. 

However, if your relationship is impacted, here's my advice to you, in rough steps:

• without jumping to end the relationship, have a sit down talk with your partner, phones on silent.
• validate that this is an epic game that has America (and other parts of the world) going cuckoo and Nintendo stockholders really happy.
• talk about how his tardiness or her lack of concern for your relationship is impacting you. “When you're an hour late coming home because you stopped by the park to catch Pokémons, that left me feeling really hurt.” 
• speak to your needs of wanting to feel like you're important, loved, or that he's available to you. “It feels like Pokémon Go matters more than me and I want to count on you to be there for me.”
• if both of you are playing, or both of you are in agreement for one to keep playing, talk about boundaries around that. “No trespassing to neighbor's yard at 2am,” or “set a timer on your phone to get off because it's time to pick me up.”
• lastly, if the conversation above is too difficult and you truly need a marriage counselor, I'm here!

Note: There will be no Pokémon Go in my office.

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Ada Pang, MS, LMFT is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond counseling practice in WA. She's a Licensed and Marriage Therapist and she loves helping committed couples who have grown apart find each other again. Should her husband decide to download the Pokémon Go app, she might have something to say about that. Her favorite Pokémon creature from way back when is Psyduck.

Marriage Problems after Baby? 11+1 Tips to Stay Connected to your Partner

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Cover your eyes if you don't want to read this: It's not looking good after kids

Are you having marriage problems now that your baby is born? You're not alone. My husband recently shared with me the CNN article about the steep decline in marital satisfaction following parenthood. I remember reading such research back in grad school, so it was definitely old news. However, it got me thinking whether the decline has to be this drastic.

Ready for your marriage to go down the toilet?

True, parenting is a major life transition, and this complicated by the fact that you don't know who's coming out on the other side and how their temperament might fit with yours, or not. Sleepless nights, little time to yourself, and a disruption to everything you've ever known. Is there still time and energy to connect with your partner?

I want to say yes!

Here are 11+1 tips to stay connected to your partner after baby:

1. Use humor – if this is your first child, in all likelihood, a lot of things ring true in Brian Gordon's comic about parenthood. Laugh at yourself and with each other. Is it an interesting finding in baby poop that wasn't well digested? Your mismatched socks? Your partner's overgrown beard? Take time to laugh. Don't take yourselves too seriously.
2. Admire your partner as a co-parent – this will be your first time witnessing your partner as a father/mother. How are they different with the baby? The same? Can you take a moment to watch the two interact from a distance? How does this make you appreciate your partner all the more?
3. Make use of every moment – is it the first few minutes of your partner walking through the door or when you pass by each other in the hall? Share a touch, a kiss, a something that lets each other know you're still there. These brief moments of connection can go a long way.
4. Do the little things – aside from sharing a moment in between feedings, what were the little things you used to do for each other, to show that the other mattered? Is it a quick text with Emoticons, picking up his preferred brand of toothpaste, or making coffee in the morning? When you're tired and your patience is thin, knowing that you're remembered keeps you going.
5. Hire a sitter – take a break, go out, or do nothing. Time away from your kid and chores makes you a better parent, a better partner. If you must use this time to run errands, remember to grab yourself a little treat.
6. Set up date nights early on – while it can no longer be every Friday, unless you have a plan, months can go by without the comfort and familiarity of time together. Go out for a movie, a nice dinner, a stroll in your neighborhood. While it may seem like you have left someone important at home, taking the time to connect with your partner can make co-parenting more enjoyable.
7. Focus on each other during date nights – if you're not careful, topics around your kid's music lessons, her playdate with Sally or even how you've organized the baby's drawers can quickly seep into your date night. Set a rule to minimize business talk during your night out. How is the other person doing? What's happening at work? What did you used to talk about before the baby came along? Revisit that.
8. Take turns baby sitting - “me time” and time with friends are still important, even though you're pooped and your priorities have shifted. Put it on the calendar that the 2nd Tuesday is your coffee night and the 4th Thursday is bball with his buddies. When you encourage personal interests outside of the home as new parents, you're cognizant of each others' needs as individuals. That's another way of giving to each other.
9. Keep the conversation going – parenting brings out the worse in all of us. Things that work one day no longer works the next because the kid changes on you. Keep talking about expectations around roles, chores, and responsibilities. Be willing to adapt to the needs and preferences of the kid, and each other.
10. Visit each other at work with the child – you don't have to wait until Bring Your Kids to Work Day. Set an intention that the visit is as much about seeing your kid and showing him around as it is about meeting with your partner midday.
11. Involve your child – there are ways to be mindful of your partner while you're with your child. You can talk to them early on about mom's favorite food, dad's favorite color, and let the child pick up something at the store for the other parent. That's hopefully sending the message, “I love you and I'm teaching our child ways to love you too.”

And here's a bonus and my all time favorite:

1. Use terms of endearment – it often pains me to hear partners be called, “mommy” or “daddy” following the birth of a child. What happened to “Babe,” “Honey,” “Wifey” or “Apple Streusel”? Okay, maybe not “Apple Streusel,” but you get the idea. As much as possible, call your partner the names they were once known for. It's a reminder that you were partners before you were parents.

Another bonus: if this is not your first rodeo, here's an earlier post about connecting with your child around bringing home a second baby.

Mitigating the loss

While I won't argue against 30 years of studies that show time and time again a decline in relationship satisfaction following children, I do believe there are ways to soften the blow. Let me know how I can help!

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Ada Pang, MS, LMFT is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond counseling practice in WA. She loves helping individuals and couples grow through life transitions, parenthood being one of them. She's usually overjoyed when her husband brings home the occasional dinner. She's a firm believer that we tend to remember the sweet little things.

What Happens to the Human Brain when Touch is Provided?

The hand holding mystery

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I recently came back from a 4-day conference and had the privilege of hearing from neuroscientist Jim Coan. He had the question, “Why do people hold hands?” and the only way to find out was to feed people through a MRI machine, so he says.

He had a group of happy couples come in. He fed the female partner inside a MRI machine and showed them either a red X or a blue O. When the red X flashes, it signals a 20% chance of a mild electric shock on the ankle. When a blue O appears, it means no electric shock.

Coan measured 3 conditions: the woman being alone, holding the hands of a stranger, or holding the hand of her partner. Can you guess what happened?

When under the threat of an electric shock by themselves, the brain got really busy. When holding the hand of a stranger, the same regions of the brain were less active. Finally, when holding the hand of a significant other, there was a reported decrease in vigilance and physiological arousal. The pre-frontal cortex, partly responsible for regulating emotions, was less active, because the partner's touch helped to regulate and reassure. Moreover, there was also less activity in the area of the brain responsible for dumping stress hormones into the bloodstream.

Similar results were found in larger, more diverse populations, and between not just partners, but also friends. There was an overall decreased activity in the region of the brain sensing pain. Somehow, pain or emotions about the pain were attenuated with handholding.

Here's Coan's study on Ted Talk:

Bringing it home

In my last blog post why friends matter, I talked about how the presence of my best friend, aka husband helped mitigate perceived stress. Let me give you a different example with a near stranger.

Last year, I had to go into a medical procedure which had me feeling very scared. It was unplanned, so my husband couldn't be there. The nurse Joanne walked me through what to expect. While I still sensed the anxiety and pain before, during and after the procedure, something was very memorable: she had put her hand on my shoulder the whole time. There was something comforting about the touch of another, the pressure that I felt, the knowing that I wasn't alone. Squeeze me into a MRI machine and I can only imagine her touch was soothing to my busy brain.

What does this mean for you?

If you are in an unhappy relationship and you yearn for your partner's hand to hold and comfort you, there is hope. Sue Johnson, the pioneer of Emotionally Focused Therapy teamed up with Coan to do a study with a group of distressed couples. Prior to 20 weeks of EFT, there was NO difference in these women's brain activity whether alone or holding the hand of their partner. Post treatment, their brains looked a lot like that of happy couples: their partner's presence was soothing and created a buffer against the threat of a shock. EFT helped these marriages create a sense of safety and closeness, and Johnson would say such security is a protective factor against life's challenges.

I practice this type of therapy and I can help you! Give me a call!

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Ada Pang, MS, LMFT is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond counseling practice in WA. She loves helping couples reconnect in their relationships. Her most memorable moments with her husband are not at their wedding or during their travels; rather, it's when they're on the couch, talking about anything and everything. 

Why Friends Matter – Sharing Burdens and Resources

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My friend story

I remember getting out of a grueling two-day training and earlier in the day, had dragged myself to Greenlake for lunch, backpack and all. It was a beautiful day and I was pooped out. Usually, when I'm tired, I don't think straight, and I had bought a large vegan pizza to eat all by myself. I only managed two slices and carried this ridiculously large pizza box with me the rest of the day.

With eager anticipation, my best friend met me afterwards and we'd decided to have a pizza picnic at the same lake. Somehow, walking together down the same busy road made the trek seemed shorter. My backpack, weighing just as much, also felt lighter.

Now, one could argue I was distracted by our conversation, or felt relieved with the training ending, hence the perception change. Those things could all be true. However, what does research tell us about the company of a significant other and what that does to our perception of a situational stress? In other words, is it possible for us to perceive the world as having more demands when we're alone, compared to when we're with a partner? 

The hill is not that steep, or is it? 

According to a 2008 study by Schanll and colleagues, they had people stand in front of a hill and estimate how steep it was. What they've found is that there's a tendency for people to over-estimate how steep the hill was. It's like their bodies were trying to talk them out of walking up that hill, “Don't do it! Conserve your energy! It's too steep!” The same hill grew even steeper when they carried a backpack weighing 20% of their body weight.

The interesting finding is that for participants who went to the study alone, they estimated the hill to be more steep compared to those accompanied by a friend. In fact, even the thought of a friend was enough to level the hill some. And, the longer the friendship, the less steep the hill. How do you make sense of that?

Friends lend you resources

We all have limited resources and we often calculate that against our demands. Stand me in front of a steep hill and I'm calculating how much resources my body has to walk up that hill. Could it be that my physiological resources are enhanced when there is a friend with me, especially someone I have come to know and trust? Somehow, the burden of drudging up that hill is lightened with the presence of another, or even just the thought of that other. 

Thumbs up for friends

Never mind that my best friend in this case is my husband. He is very awesome. I will say that him being there didn't change my perception of the fake cheese pizza: it tasted pretty gross. Well, there is someone to share it with.

Who have you got to stand beside you? Want to better your relationships to help you face the challenges of life? Let me know!

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Ada Pang, MS, LMFT is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond counseling practice in WA. She loves helping individuals and couples flourish and grow through difficult life transitions. When she's not yogaing, she's outside with her husband, climbing not-so-steep hills. 

Why James Bond would Make a Terrible Lover and why Moneypenny should Really Rest her Case

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Ah, James Bond. Who doesn't love James? Since marrying my husband and his DVD collection, I've watched all the 007's. Suave, charming, sexy, smart, dressed to the tee, always on these James-will-never-die conquests to save the world. Unattached and emotionally constipated, he always manages to capture the hearts of gorgeous women and take them to bed.

According to the co-developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy, there's a reason why these beautiful women would only want to make love to him once, at most twice, and that's it. Sue Johnson describes what determines success in couple relationships is this sense of love, connection and closeness. Two people are available, responsive to each other and have each other's back. James, on the other hand, “will always be James,” leaving his love interests waiting, longing, and lonely as hell.

It is for these reasons Moneypenny should really take her infatuation elsewhere. Her yearning will be tickled at most, but never satisfied. It's a temporary illusion that James would ever want her, as he's always one mission away from desiring someone else.

Need help staying close and connected in your intimate relationship? Shoot me an email!

Break Up Haircut

Relationship ended? Making some drastic changes, to include a hairstyle change? I recently contributed materials to Simplemost as to why women cut their hair after a break up. I have some additional thoughts...

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A break up, whether planned or a shock, cordial or full of conflict, is a significant event. It's not uncommon for men and women to make radical changes following a heartbreak. For some women, they cut their hair. Why?

Here are my speculations: 

1) Stereotypically, men like women with long hair. If there's a desire to dissociate yourself from your ex and his preferences, chopping off your hair will make the statement, both to him and yourself.

2) Perhaps you've always wanted a new look but it wasn't preferred by your partner. Now you get to make the decision for yourself. 

3) Look at yourself in the mirror. Short of changing out your wardrobe, your hair is an easy thing you can doing something about. A new hairstyle is not going to solve all of your problems, but it does give you some very visible control over your circumstances.

4) I'm often amazed at how fast my hair grows without me realizing. While that's not always the case for everyone, seeing new growth is also a reminder of the life possible after a break-up. Your hair will grow back, so your heart will also mend. If you keep the same style, growth is less noticeable.

If a new look is not enough to help you move on, let me know!

Been to Blamers Anonymous Lately?

So, I guess I'm on a Brené Brown kick here... 

Holding Polar Opposites: Both And

Are there things that are in conflict in your life? Things that are both true but you tend to see only one side of the story? Make this one word change and see if it makes a difference!