life transitions

The Guest House

Dragan/stock.adobe.com

Dragan/stock.adobe.com

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

- Rumi
 

Break Up Haircut

Relationship ended? Making some drastic changes, to include a hairstyle change? I recently contributed materials to Simplemost as to why women cut their hair after a break up. I have some additional thoughts...

Alex Holyoake/unsplash.com

Alex Holyoake/unsplash.com

A break up, whether planned or a shock, cordial or full of conflict, is a significant event. It's not uncommon for men and women to make radical changes following a heartbreak. For some women, they cut their hair. Why?

Here are my speculations: 

1) Stereotypically, men like women with long hair. If there's a desire to dissociate yourself from your ex and his preferences, chopping off your hair will make the statement, both to him and yourself.

2) Perhaps you've always wanted a new look but it wasn't preferred by your partner. Now you get to make the decision for yourself. 

3) Look at yourself in the mirror. Short of changing out your wardrobe, your hair is an easy thing you can doing something about. A new hairstyle is not going to solve all of your problems, but it does give you some very visible control over your circumstances.

4) I'm often amazed at how fast my hair grows without me realizing. While that's not always the case for everyone, seeing new growth is also a reminder of the life possible after a break-up. Your hair will grow back, so your heart will also mend. If you keep the same style, growth is less noticeable.

If a new look is not enough to help you move on, let me know!

Bringing (Another) Baby Home

arekmalang/stock.adobe.com

arekmalang/stock.adobe.com

I was recently asked to comment on how to prepare your child for the arrival of another sib. If it's true that nothing changes the lifestyle of a couple more than the addition of a first baby, then the birth of a sibling must be just as radical for the once-upon-a-time only child. You hear stories of jealousy and parents feeling guilty about not being able to spend as much time with the older child. Know that those moments will naturally happen, and there are also things you can do to make the transition smoother.

  • Keep them in the know: using language that your child would understand, let them know that mommy is prego and the family is expecting another wonderful kiddo!
  • The 9-month period is a process: in the same way you'd go for your ultrasound, go through body changes, and perhaps experience morning sickness, cravings, etc, let your child know that you went through similar and/or different things when pregnant the first time. Talk about your first pregnancy and what that was like.
  • Use other families as examples: talk about uncle Billy or family friend Susie and how there are x number of kids in the home and that makes them siblings.
  • Refer to books: there are a ton of helpful books for children about bringing a baby home. Examples include Babies Don't Eat Pizza, I am a Big Brother, I am a Big Sister, I'm a Big BrotherMy New Baby, and the classic The Berenstain Bears' New Baby
  • Talk about feelings: what is it like for your child to think about having another sibling? Use different mediums to express those feelings, be it drawing, storytelling, acting, etc. Validate all feelings, especially the ones that are hard. Share your own feelings about growing the family.
  • Increase involvement: how would your child like to help decorate the baby's room? What is one or more toy(s) your child would like to put in there? Come feel the baby moving inside mommy's tummy!
  • Anticipate challenges: explain that parents will be busy, sleep deprived and probably crankier, grandma will be over more, and your child won't get as much time with parents, etc. Nonetheless, it doesn't change how much your child is loved.
  • Propose a tentative new routine: bedtime story might be with different adults, 1:1 time to spend with your child might vary depending on the day, etc. Talk about the non-negotiables: your child will still get fed, need to brush their teeth, go to bed...
  • Go over coping skills: in non-urgent situations, and your child wants the attention of pre-occupied adults, what to do instead, for a moment? Color, build Legos, draw, play house...

Enjoy the journey, knowing that the chaos will only be for a while, until you establish a new normal...

Need more support? I love helping people through life transitions! Contact me!

Do you have Stress-Resilient Habits?

Morgan Sessions/unsplash.com

Morgan Sessions/unsplash.com

John Preston, PsyD, ABPP did a training on “The Habits of Stress-Resilient People” last month. Putting my two cents in the mix, you can develop stress-resiliency by:

  1. acknowledging that pain and suffering are a part of life, rather than an exception - if you live long enough, and sometimes, you don't even have to live that long, you know that crap will hit the fan

  2. choosing to be with uncomfortable feelings - as unpleasant as they might be, difficult feelings will be there. Feel them rather than hide from them; they do come and go

  3. having a good cry – according to biochemist and “tear expert” Dr. William Frey, tears contain stress hormones that are excreted from the body through crying

  4. taking things in, moment-by-moment - fight the tendency to operate on auto-pilot

  5. recirculating moments of joy – everyday, train your brain to notice the things that have gone well that day

  6. focusing on doing what works – do what is most effective in the moment, rather than dwelling on what's fair, unfair, should, should not, etc

  7. living a valued life – What matters to you? What do you want to live for? Doing those things will bring you vitality and meaning even when life gets tough

Thoughts? Would love to hear them! Need help developing these habits? I'm here!