Orlando Tragedies – How do I Respond? How can you Respond?

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I love The Voice and I have an off and on crush on the winner of season 6, Josh Kaufman. As a result of listening to his music, I would come across the amazing voice of Christina Grimmie, who came in 3rd that season. I share the shock and grief of many fans around the world when I learned about her death over the weekend. I couldn't wrap my head around this reality and would go through moments in my day, thinking that it's surreal. Such a beautiful life, taken from us.

Before grief even had time to sink in, I, along with the rest of the world, experienced more losses in the worst mass shooting in US history. These 49 victims have names, faces, and ties to loved ones. They had aspirations, were wonderful students, and held jobs that served the communities in many ways. My heart is broken and my body is heavy. Those injured are still grappling with their own mortality.

How do I respond to NOT one, but two Orlando tragedies?

I can tell you I want to hide.

I want to withdraw from others.

I'm in shock and disbelief.

I feel cynical about the state of our world.

I want to give up.

I think the world is unsafe.

I feel like a news junkie, which is very unlike me.

I want to protect my loved ones.

I think about the last time I've lost a loved one and how difficult that was.

Those were my knee-jerk reactions. I let myself stay there for two days and tonight, I got online to write this post. I talked about it with my hairstylist, my sister, my parents. I gave my husband a long hug when he came home from work and I'm keeping abreast with what's going on without over-indulging.

What about you?

I want you, the reader, to know that your thoughts, feelings, urges to withdraw, desire to connect are very real. I'm with you. I also want you to know that prolonged viewing of these traumatic media coverage will lead to more stress reactions, as shown by UC Irvine researchers when studying media exposure to the Boston Marathon bombings.

Please, limit your media exposure to these Orlando tragedies. Know enough to know what has happened, but don't follow every post and definitely not the playing and replaying of related videos and audios. Turn off the TV, the radio, the computer, the phone. Connect on social media around your grief, but meet face-to-face. Go to a vigil; host your own mini one. Take a break from talking about these events and just be with the other. We are not meant to go through such atrocities alone.

And, let me know if you need help processing all this or if it's awakening past trauma. I'm still here. 

Why James Bond would Make a Terrible Lover and why Moneypenny should Really Rest her Case

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Ah, James Bond. Who doesn't love James? Since marrying my husband and his DVD collection, I've watched all the 007's. Suave, charming, sexy, smart, dressed to the tee, always on these James-will-never-die conquests to save the world. Unattached and emotionally constipated, he always manages to capture the hearts of gorgeous women and take them to bed.

According to the co-developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy, there's a reason why these beautiful women would only want to make love to him once, at most twice, and that's it. Sue Johnson describes what determines success in couple relationships is this sense of love, connection and closeness. Two people are available, responsive to each other and have each other's back. James, on the other hand, “will always be James,” leaving his love interests waiting, longing, and lonely as hell.

It is for these reasons Moneypenny should really take her infatuation elsewhere. Her yearning will be tickled at most, but never satisfied. It's a temporary illusion that James would ever want her, as he's always one mission away from desiring someone else.

Need help staying close and connected in your intimate relationship? Shoot me an email!

You've Got Cancer? What shouldn't I do?

Wanna make someone feel worse when they've cancer? Here's how:

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1. Talk even when you don't know what to say - Years ago when my friend's wife was diagnosed with leukemia, his buddy didn't know what to say, so he said this: “Man, at least you get to marry another woman...”

2. Begin your sentences with “At least” - If you want to minimize one's experience with cancer (or anything for that matter) and remind them how much better they have it compared to people in Syria, the words, “at least” is the way to go.

3. Tell them you understand when you really don't - A patient has taught me I can only guess or imagine what it's like to be in their shoes; to say that I understand when I've never been can be a real put off.

4. Share about your aunt's cancer story, and your grandma's... - Not to say there isn't a time and place to share cancer experiences, but just because you have a story to tell does not mean the one with the cancer wants to hear it. It helps to ask first.

5. Expect that things are back to normal post-treatment – Meal delivery is over, hair is growing back, party pics made it on FB, life's back to normal, right? Cancer brings a new normal. While it might not be your job to constantly remind the other of their cancer, just know that this is only the beginning of the journey.

Here's an earlier post on what to do instead. 

And if you need help navigating through all this, give me a call!

You've Got Cancer? What can I Do?

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Ever wonder how to approach a friend, a loved one when they are first diagnosed with cancer and going through treatment? Here's my first post on what to do. What not to do will come later...

1. Do nothing – Gotcha! Sometimes there isn't anything to do but to simply be with that person.

2. Validate – Let them know that it must be very hard for them... You can't imagine... This really sucks!

3. Offer company – Sometimes in our not knowing what to do, we disappear. Offer your presence, hear them out, hang out.

4. Talk about something else – Cancer can be all consuming. While it might be important to give cancer its spotlight, let's also move onto something else.

5. Offer help – What can you do? What can be helpful? Want a ride to an appointment? Oil change? Go to a ball game? 

6. Set up long-term help – It's hard to ask for ongoing help, let alone when you're emotionally overloaded. Assuming you know your friend, you can set up meal delivery, house cleaning, and baby sitting, email treatment updates, etc. 

7. Bring comfort - Cancer treatment is unnerving for the human body, in more ways than one. Find out what will bring comfort to your loved one and do it! Is it a particular type of food for the foodie, flowers for the visually stimulated, or a card for the, um, card person?! 

8. Use humor - Break up the monotony! A friend recently told me this was the funniest thing she had said to her while going through treatment: “Well, you're the healthiest looking sick person I've ever seen!” Sure, be sensitive, but know that cancer patients need to laugh too.

9. Touch - Cancer can make your loved one feel like their body is damaged. Don't be afraid to offer touch. 

Help need walking your loved one through cancer? I'm here!

Are you Practicing Emotional Hygiene?

My friend showed me this Ted Talk on how we tend to neglect our psychological health. Check it out:

Ah... Wanna sandwich?

So, this video has probably been posted numerous times. My friend reminded me of it yesterday. Watch it one more time. It'll be worth it: 

3 More Tips for Managing your Depression Outside of the Therapy Room

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It's hard to get off your couch. It can be hard on a day when it's nice and sunny, and even harder on a day like today. Don't let depression detour you from living your life! Here are additional tips for managing your symptoms, the last one being my favorite:

1. Keep (some sort of) a schedule. It's Friday, what's there to do? What about next Tuesday? What makes life happen for you? Plan for it, put it on your schedule, and DO it!
2. Connect with your social capital. Human contact is SUPER important to get us through tough times and to remind us there's a world outside of ourselves. Who's your community? Don't shut them out! Let them in...
3. Take your thoughts less seriously! There's an average of 60,000 thoughts that go through our minds each day, and yet, we put a lot of weight on some and not on others. Having a regular meditation practice is one way to help you notice your thoughts as nothing more than just thoughts.

Here are tips from an earlier post. 

Need more and wish to come into the therapy room? Call me up!

5 Tips for Managing your Depression Outside of the Therapy Room

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Everywhere you look you see the evidence of spring. The days are getting longer, there are intermittent sun breaks, and the flowers are budding. Somehow you think your depression should be lifted by now; yet you still feel crummy. When you're feeling low, chances are you'd want to watch 5 hours of Netflix, eat a gallon of ice cream and crawl into bed. It is very counter-intuitive to leave the house, go for a walk, soak up some sun, or call up a friend.

And, that's exactly what is going to help you get through that funk! If you wait until you feel better before doing something, it might never happen! And even if it does happen, it'll be sporadic and very mood-dependent.

Here are 5 tips for managing your depression outside of the therapy room:

1. Get some physical activity. I'm not talking exercise, because when I say exercise, people think of the gym. Go for a walk, do yoga, shoot some hoops. Any activity that gets your body moving is better than no activity at all.
2. Go do something you enjoy! Is it strolling the farmer's market, picking up your guitar, or watching a funny movie? Pleasurable activities disrupt the cycle of depression and rumination.
3. Choose healthy food options. Eat even when you don't have the appetite and slow down your eating if you have a tendency to overeat. Food is fuel, so what you eat and how much you eat matters.
4. Bathe in the sun. Sun exposure will help your brain release the hormone serotonin, which is a natural mood enhancer. 
5. Have a regular waking and sleeping schedule. Get the optimal amount of sleep that's needed for your body. When you're tempted to nap, transition to a less sedentary activity.

Stay tune for more tips! Need more help than reading a blog? Give me a call!

"I Heart You" Days

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Valentine's Day is so overrated. Pink and red everywhere, packed restaurants, overpriced menus and flowers... All these cues set expectations for how to behave, between lovers.

What about those not coupled? What about family relationships and friendships? What about a relationship with yourself?

While I can appreciate a reminder to love, I want to extend that to our everyday. Why not celebrate, “I heart you” day everyday?

Relationships are important to us, whatever form they may take. If you find it difficult to connect with those around you or to have a healthy relationship with yourself, let me know how I can help!