Why Valentine’s Day is not Always Happy for Couples and What you can Do about it

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Ordinary Tuesday

It was an ordinary Tuesday when I finished up with my last client. “You must be in a hurry to get home” and I was like, “No, you’re good.” I was still wrapping up my case notes when my husband sent me an emoji rose. Husband is not the romantic type and I was like, “What’s with the rose?” I was then reminded that today was Valentine’s Day. Husband implied that he brought home dinner and I was more excited about that! As I was leaving the building, I realized how unusually dead the office was. Valentine’s Day must be a thing.

Who took the happy out of Valentine’s Day?

If you’ve read one of my earlier posts, you’d know how deeply I feel about this “Show-love-to-your-partner-or-you’re-screwed” Day. This day is supposed to be happy. It is a celebration of love; often a narrow definition of love. For couples, this set date that comes on the 14th of every February is a reminder of where your relationship is, which is not always where you’d want it to be.

Situations change, patterns do not

Regardless of whether you had an amazing time with your partner, it was like any other day, or you had the hardest time, this Valentine’s Day is a reflection of where you already are in your relationship. A commercialized day filled with the expectation of card, sweets, expensive jewelry or flower exchange will not unearth a long standing pattern in your relationship. I often say to my clients, “Situations change, patterns do not,” unless you intentionally and consistently work at undoing the pattern. The situation could be a move, a vacation, an extravagant gift, _______________________. How you relate is still how you relate.

If your Valentine’s Day was indeed unhappy, what to do about that?

What makes for happy and close relationships?

As you can tell, I’m biased against any one day in the calendar deciding for us how we ought to be. If it’s a value or a desire we have, I believe we should strive for it everyday. If having a close, loving relationship with your partner is something you long for, consider how you can relate differently:

1. Speak to your perceptions – How you see your partner will affect how you feel and how you respond. If you think your partner doesn’t care about you, you might see the dirty dishes as proof, whereas if you think your partner got sidetracked, used pots and pans don’t rub you the same way.

2. Dig into your feelings – Anger is usually the emotion that bubbles onto the surface. What’s buried underneath are usually more vulnerable emotions such as hurt, humiliation, fear, and rejection. These deeper emotions, when shared, usually bring out a more tender part in our partner.

3. Clarify your intentions – Sometimes your intentions do not come out as perceived. When that happens, it’s important to clarify where you were coming from. “Wow, I was late in picking you up and you thought I didn’t care that your bladder was about to explode! If I had known you needed to go pee, I would’ve stepped on it!” (Officers reading this, I’m not encouraging speed limit violation. This is about the comfort we feel when we realize our partner is willing to go out of their way for us).

4. Notice and own your vulnerabilities – Are you sensitive to anger because your grew up in a home with an explosive parent? Is it hard when your husband shuts down because your previous partner frequently walked off without an explanation? Have you learned to keep stress to yourself, only to lash out when you’re at your wits end because you haven’t learned to cope any other way? These are examples of sensitivities that partners bring to the relationship. It helps to be aware of them.

5. Share your vulnerabilities with your partner – Let your partner know that particular words and behaviors are triggering for you, NOT because your partner is your enemy, but because we all come with a history. Ironically, we’re often attracted to partners who remind us of our family growing up. Awesome or not; it’s familiar to us.

6. Acknowledge your needs and wants in the relationship – The reason you get worked up in your relationship is because your partner matters to you. If you’re only doing life with a roommate, there’s less at stake. The weight of this relationship has you longing from your partner love, closeness, comfort, appreciation, and acceptance. It’s okay to ask for these things from your intimate partner.

7. Bring it all together – As you share your perceptions, deeper feelings, intentions, vulnerabilities, and relationship needs, let your partner have a turn. After all, it takes two to make love work.

Daily loving

Let’s not wait until the next event, the next anniversary, the next “situation” to show your partner she matters, you love her, and you have her back. You can practice daily loving as a part of living daily. If you need help nurturing a close, loving relationship with your partner, let me know!

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Ada Pang, MS, LMFT is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice in WA. She helps unhappy couples and breast cancer patients. When she’s not working or thinking about work, she loves hanging out with her husband. On an ordinary day when they’re both working long hours from home, she likes to go give him a hug and a kiss and tell him, quite literally, “I’m here to connect with you.” 

The Great Divide. I’m not having it.

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Way to start the New Year’s

I woke up on Sat Jan 28, 2017 to the start of Jan 1, 2017 on the Chinese lunar calendar. I happened to be in Vancouver, BC, Canada for a two-day training prior to the festivities and stayed with my folks. I had a rather slow morning and came downstairs to my Mama’s homemade CNY brunch. My aunt came over, my sister and niece have spent the night and all was well until I got a text from my husband.

He was asking when I’d be home. Later in the eve, I conveyed, not knowing what’s the hurry. He then mentioned some executive order that Trump has signed that morning. I looked it up and it was f*cking unbelievable.

I am a Hong Kong-born Canadian citizen green card holder living in America and I was shocked. I cannot imagine what it is like for refugees and Muslim brothers and sisters around the world.

I felt very uneasy and after a late lunch, left for the border. For the first time, I didn’t know what to expect. While Canada and the US are allies and I have all my documentation, a “Muslim ban” from selective Muslim-majority countries has me wondering what’s next.

Back on US soil

The border was uneventful, as if nothing has happened. I almost wish that something was different because this is NOT okay. I’m now back on US soil. And for the first time in my 15.5 years of living in the US, I felt different, like I don’t belong here. My countries of origin and naturalization aren’t even on the blacklist. I’m not even Muslim. But to exclude immigrants and non-citizens is to exclude me and to exclude people like me. I realize to make America great again is make America white again.

Pulling away

During my 2-hour drive home, I became increasingly aware of my “other-ness”. I feel threatened by the future possibility of not being welcomed in this country. I find myself emotionally pulling away from my white community. I picture the faces of these people I have come to know and like, and already, I feel further from them.

Suddenly, I realize what was happening. There is a great divide in our country and around the world and to pull away is to concede. In Trump’s promotion of all people white, male, straight, Christian, middle and upper class, able bodied and Euro American, he is shutting down those who don’t fit the bill.

I’m not having it.

Leaning into America

When I realized this, I made a conscious decision to lean in, instead of pull away. It helped that when I got home, my husband, who is 4th-generation Japanese American, hugged me for a long time. It helped that protests rose up at airports and city streets around the country as we stand with each other. It helped that I connected with my community the next day and saw how they were also affected by this news.

It helped that this is not the end; rather, the beginning.

We CAN find safety and shelter in each other. Notice where this was filmed:

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Ada Pang, MS, LMFT is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond therapy practice in WA. At the heart of what she does, she’s about helping people flourish and live compassionate and vital lives. She can be found at PeopleBloomCounseling.com.

Creating Deep and Lasting Changes in your Marriage

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Shallow change

Last fall, husband and I had a chance to visit Kauai. We were there with family and we also got some time to ourselves. With little hesitation, we rented snorkel gear and stand up paddle boards on the first day. We ended up doing little of both because of the strong waves. Nonetheless, it didn’t stop us from trying.

We drove to Poipu Beach Park which is on the south end of the island. We saw some amazing sea creatures, but something else was bothering me: my goggles. It kept leaking water in. I’d be in the water for no more than 30 seconds and my astonishment would be put out by the gradual overflowing of salt water that threatened my eyes and I’d have to re-surface. My husband came and checked on me a few times and I kept trying to make it work: I tightened my goggles, I breathed in to suck the goggles to my face, I tried to remove every trace of hair that might have been in the way. Some of you reading this can come up with yet a 4th way I could’ve tried to make it work, but by now, my forehead was turning purple and I wasn’t having any fun. The changes I was making were not working.

Deeper change

We finally decided to cut the trip short and went back to Snorkel Bob’s to exchange for a new pair of goggles. The next day, we headed to Salt Pond Park. In the back of my mind, I couldn’t help but to wonder, “Are my goggles going to work?” I took a moment to adjust to the water temperature and dove in. I was expecting water to slowly fill up. Nothing. I paddled around for a bit longer and ta-da! My goggles were water proof, as goggles should be! We enjoyed the rest of our snorkeling experience and saw for the first time, trumpetfish!

Shallow changes in intimate relationships

So why am I telling you this story? I believe that we often try to make shallow changes in our intimate relationships, changes we call “first order change” in family systems theory. First order change is when patterns of interactions are changed at the surface level and they usually involve changes in behaviors. Let’s say you and your partner are not getting along. Well, you should learn to communicate better, use “I” statements, carve out time to go on date nights or address a fair share of household chores.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all for these changes, except I don’t believe that’s really the problem. These surface level changes will improve things momentarily, probably for longer than 30 seconds. But they don’t change the fact that something more is likely going on that’s causing the “leak” in your relationship. These problems might be surfacing because of deeper underlying issues in your marriage.

Deeper changes in couple relationships

So what is this deeper change and how is it possible? Yes, you guessed it: it’s called “second order change.” Second order change is when your relationship itself changes based on feedback from each other and hopefully, for the better. Underlying rules and beliefs about the relationship is called into question and altered. Let’s come back to your relationship.

Where you’re stuck in your relationship

Same problem: you’re not getting along. Your partner is super defensive when you bring something up and ends up hiding out at work. You become more frustrated every time you approach him and all he hears is your anger. You want to feel loved, accepted, important, and connected and it’s not happening. Your partner feels criticized, misunderstood, like he can’t do anything right. He also feels scared about rocking the boat, because he doesn’t want to make things worse. His feelings of inadequacy makes him withdraw even more. Sounds familiar? Are you tell me that this is just a communication problem and you can fix it by throwing solutions at it?

Want to feel close and connected with your partner?

The thing is, deeper changes lie in each of you recognizing that you have a part to play in the dance. As one of you pursues, often times out of desperation seen as anger, the other gets defensive and withdraws, often due to feelings of incompetence and shame. It’s not as simple as asking you to stop pursuing and the other to stop running away. After all, you have reasons for why you do what you do. Rather, it’s about recognizing that this dance is not working and it’s time to put on a different set of music. We’d still go snorkeling, but let’s switch out the goggles.

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT)

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) is a heavily research-based model for the treatment of couples. It gets at the underlying needs for couples to feel close, desired, and accepted in their intimate relationship. It focuses on how each partner influences the other and whatever rules or beliefs you had about your relationship will naturally shift as you experience your partner in new ways.

This is hard work and it’s not for the faint of heart. Let me know when you’re ready to trade in your goggles. I'll be here. 

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Ada Pang, MS, LMFT is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice in WA. She helps distressed couples and breast cancer patients. That can also mean couples distressed by a partner’s cancer diagnosis, or couples wishing to use their marriage as a resource during their cancer journey. When she’s not thinking about couples and cancer, she loves to go play with her husband! Her favorite sea creature while snorkeling in Hawaii will always be the Humuhumunukunukuapua’a. 

The Guide to Surviving Breast Cancer Screening and Diagnostic MRI

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Last month, I wrote about the guide to surviving mammograms. When your breasts* are temporarily smashed, to the point where you didn’t think they could be flattened any further, there is nothing fun about that. Breast cancer patients tend to talk about surviving cancer and not about getting through these imaging appointments. Today, I’d like to touch on ways to survive a diagnostic breast MRI, which is sometimes used in breast screening to supplement a mammogram.

Breast Magnetic Resonance Imaging (MRI)

Breast MRI uses powerful magnets to generate detailed pictures of your boobies. You’re to lie tummy down, hands over your head on a moveable flat table, with your boobs hanging into an opening. After you’ve been situated as comfortably as possible on this hard, narrow table, you, along with the table, will slide into a large cylinder-shaped tube. This procedure will last approximately 18 minutes, during which you’ll hear a constant sound of jack hammer, with some breaks in between. You’re to hold completely still to insure accuracy. Once inside the tube, you’ll feel alone in a tight space.

You might be given the choice of music to occupy your mind, but the music would have to be really loud to drown out the construction noise. Near the beginning of the scan, a contrast material will be injected into your arm through an IV to help outline breast tissue details. The technologist will speak to you through a speaker if any communication is to be had. These 18 minutes can feel like forever. How can you survive it?

Do’s and don’ts during a breast MRI

DO ask a friend or family member to come along. Even just knowing that your loved one is near can be comforting.

DON’T be afraid to ask questions or interrupt the process if something is really bothering you. The technologist can help you adjust your position or let you take a break as needed.

DO focus on your breathing. Notice the natural rising and falling of your body as you lay there. Come back to your breath over and over again.

DON’T scratch an itch or move around. If you pay close enough attention, you will feel some level of discomfort. Unless you're in pain or you're super uncomfortable, know that these feelings will pass.

DO close your eyes if it can help forget that you’re in a tube. Instead, imagine you’re in open space.

DON’T tense up your muscles. Notice when you feel tension in your body, from your face, arms, shoulders, torso, gluts to your legs. Invite relaxation into those muscles and let your body fall heavy on the table.

DO hum or speak softly to yourself. You can hardly hear yourself but you can feel what you’re saying. Soothe yourself with your own voice.

DON’T say to yourself, “I can’t wait for this to be over!” This will likely lead to further impatience and frustration. Your scan will take as long as it takes.

D0 think about what you plan to do to reward yourself after you leave the clinic. Perhaps it is a, “Jenny, you did it!” or a mocha waiting for you down the street.

DON’T try to calculate how long it has been. Chances are, it hasn’t been as long as you think.

Bonus tip on surviving a breast MRI: self-touch

No, I’m not asking you to think kinky thoughts as you lay inside an enclosed tube. Rather, remember your arms overhead? Your hands could be touching each other. In fact, before the machine starts, bring your hands to touch, one on top of the other. Feel the warmth of your hand, the texture of your skin. Notice what it is like to be touched, to be cared for, to be comforted, by you. Much like the touch of a loved one can help lower your cortisol level, so here you are, lowering your own stress level because you’re loving you.

Loving yourself through cancer

It’s hard enough going through cancer, your body does NOT need another, “Hurry up and get this over with!” moment. Instead, consider how you can love yourself through it all. If you need help getting through cancer care and life thereafter, let me know!

*Breasts are used in plural form with full awareness and respect that this might not be true for everyone

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Ada Pang, MS, LMFT is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice in WA. She helps distressed couples and breast cancer patients. That can also mean couples distressed by a partner’s cancer diagnosis, or couples wishing to use their marriage as a resource during their cancer journey. When she’s not thinking about couples and cancer, she has found yoga to be a wonderful practice to nurture present moment, self-love and self-compassion. She has grown pretty fond of her toes recently. She says hi to them every time she passes them by.  

There is Hope – Trauma Therapies that Re-wire the Human Brain

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The word “trauma” on Google

When I google searched “trauma” the first definition that came up was “a deeply distressing or disturbing experience”. The word “trauma” is synonymous with “shock, upheaval, stress, pain, anguish, suffering, agony, misery” and the list goes on. The word has a Greek origin which literally means “wound”. When I pause to reflect on what these words actually mean, my heart becomes heavy.

Posttraumatic Stress Disorder re-triggered

I must say that while I’ve processed the trauma of my aunt’s death, watching an episode of Sherlock Holmes this past weekend was enough to trigger memories of her. I didn’t expect it; it just happened. Then I think about the many people who have been through a traumatic event and have not learned to process it and integrate it as a part of their life story. After all, it doesn’t take much to be triggered with the never ending information on social media, and to hide from triggers is to hide from life itself. If that’s your experience, I grieve with you. But, let’s not stay there.

A recap on CBT modalities for treating trauma

Last month, I wrote about Cognitive Behavioral Therapies (CBT) for the treatment of PTSD. CBT is about changing the way you think and feel about a traumatic experience. There is often an exposure component where you recall what happened in the safety of the therapist’s office and you learn to put the trauma behind you. Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT), Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT) and Prolonged Exposure Therapy (PE) were amongst the treatments covered.

Trauma therapies that re-wire the brain

Today, I’m excited to call upon additional experts in the Seattle area to talk about other forms of PTSD treatment. They eloquently speak to modalities that use brain activation and body-mind integration to re-wire the brain and change the relationship you have with the traumatic event.

Without further ado, I give you Lorencita Villegas and Laura Moon Williams!

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)

Lorencita Villegas, LMHC, NCC is a certified EMDR psychotherapist. She writes, “Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a therapy modality that helps process traumatic or disturbing life experiences or memories. It follows an eight-phase protocol where I’d ask you to recall the memory and the negative thoughts associated with it, as well as the positive thoughts you’d rather have about yourself. The goal is to replace the negative cognitions with the positive, and allow the trauma to move.

Trauma moves by allowing the brain to create new pathways that are more adaptive. To allow movement we will use eye movements (or other bilateral stimulation) to activate your brain. EMDR allows you to access your intellectual and emotional processes on your own, unlike talk therapy where the clinician would help interpret them.

It is important to note that EMDR will not change the memory of the particular event, but will change the thoughts and physical reactions associated with it. For example, a person who experienced a car accident may go from experiencing high levels of stress to having a more adaptive thought such as, “I can control my driving.” EMDR has been recognized by the World Health Organization and the Veterans Affair as a leading treatment for Posttraumatic Stress Disorder.“

Lifespan Integration Therapy (LI)

Laura Moon Williams, MA, LMHCA is a Lifespan Integration (LI) therapist. This is how she explains LI, “Those who have had a traumatic experience(s) often feel stuck reliving the event through intrusive memories, flashbacks, dreams or physical and emotional responses to reminders/triggers of the traumatic event. These PTSD symptoms occur because the person doesn’t fully and truly know that the traumatic event is over; the body-mind system is stuck in the experience and continues to respond to its current environment as if the event had just happened.

Lifespan Integration provides a safe, therapeutic way of re-experiencing the event and demonstrating that it is over, without re-traumatizing. This is done by viewing multiple timelines, beginning with the event and continuing with everyday memories that bring you into the present moment. Seeing what happened in the days, weeks, months, or years following the event proves to the body that the event is over and allows the traumatic experience to be integrated into one’s larger story. People are often surprised by how quickly they experience relief from PTSD symptoms with Lifespan Integration.“

There is hope for you

If you struggle with symptoms of posttraumatic stress disorder, you don’t have to go about it alone. PTSD affects you when you’re waking or sleeping, when you’re alone or in the company of others, when you’re at work or at play. It doesn’t have to be this way! Lorencita and Laura are here to help you put trauma in its place. Reach out to them! Lorencita is here and Laura is here.

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Ada Pang, MS, LMFT is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice in WA. She helps distressed couples and breast cancer patients. She understands that she cannot be known for too many things, but yes, she also loves helping amazing but struggling people recover from trauma using CBT approaches. When she’s not seeing clients, she’s about working on her business and building relationships within the therapist community. 

There is Hope – Cognitive Behavioral Therapies for Treating Trauma

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Trauma is prevalent in our society. Turn on the TV or go on any social media and there’s no shortage of natural disasters, accidents and injuries, abuse, threats of violence, violence itself, and sudden deaths. Sadly, this does not include traumatic events that have happened to you or to those you know. In my previous post, I gave an overview on trauma. In this post and next, I’ll be covering treatments for trauma.

Evidence-based treatments for Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

In the field of psychotherapy, “evidence-based treatments” are treatment modalities that have been proven by scientific research to be effective for treating a particular set of symptoms. In the case of PTSD, a subset of Cognitive Behavioral Therapies (CBT) have shown to significantly decrease PTSD symptoms and related conditions, and these benefits are sustained well after treatment is over. I’ll be writing about two types of CBT approaches that I practice at my Redmond office. I’ll also be calling on trauma experts in the larger Seattle community to comment on other approaches that they specialize in.

Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT)

Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT) is designed to help children, adolescents and their families recover from trauma and related symptoms. Over the course of 12-16 sessions, children and their caregivers will learn about the particular trauma the child has experienced, common trauma symptoms, as well as the roadmap for treatment. Caregivers will also get support around parenting and learn ways to manage the child’s emotional and behavioral difficulties related to the trauma. Children will develop and practice relaxation techniques, ways to regulate their emotions, and skills to begin thinking about their trauma differently. They will also be asked to tell/write about their trauma experience in a safe environment, share it with a special person and learn ways to safely navigate the world going forward. At the end of treatment, many kids feel really empowered and their caregivers proud! And, the tools gained from treatment can be easily adapted to cope with other life stressors.

Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT)

First developed for use with veterans who have experienced PTSD symptoms, Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT) has been shown effective in treating other types of trauma. As in traditional CBT, CPT sees a strong connection between your thoughts, feelings, actions, and body sensations. And, to the extent that you have some unhelpful ways of seeing the world before and/or after the traumatic event, those beliefs will keep you “stuck in non-recovery”. When you’re “stuck,” you tend to be hard on yourself and others, mistrustful of the world, and feel numbed out and angry. The ultimate goals of CPT are to help you: 1) accept the reality that the traumatic event happened, 2) fully experience the emotions about the event in a safe environment, and 3) develop more balanced, realistic views about the event, yourself, and others. Clients who have completed 12-20 sessions of CPT have shown a decrease in PTSD and trauma-related symptoms such as depression, anxiety, shame or guilt. They have also reported feeling more present in their everyday life.

Now, calling my first expert! *Drumroll*

Prolonged Exposure Therapy (PE)

For years, Caitlin Vincent, MS, LMFT, CDP provided therapy at the King County Sexual Assault Resource Center. She writes, “I find people struggle most with the re-experiencing symptoms of PTSD (flashbacks, nightmares, intrusive memories and strong physical and emotional reactions when reminded of their experience). They often say that they feel haunted and raw, like the event just happened, even if it didn't. Prolonged Exposure (PE) is a form of therapy that is especially helpful for alleviating these symptoms of PTSD by safely revisiting painful memories in detail, from start to finish, in a process called Imaginal Exposure. Just as a once-scary movie becomes less shocking if you watch it several times, this process can allow someone to regain more control over their minds and bodies. By facing these memories thoroughly and directly, and then talking about the thoughts and feelings that arise, people can start to put the experience behind them, because finally allowing the brain to process the memory relieves its instinct to replay details over and over. PE is best for someone who has a clear and identifiable 'worst' traumatic incident that they can refer to and focus on, but can easily also be used for multiple traumas.”

There is hope for you

If you suffer from trauma symptoms and these CBT approaches to treatment resonate with you, there is hope. Yes, it is scary. Caitlin and I hear you. We’ve been there with countless clients and have walked them through this painful and frightening journey into hope and recovery. We'd want to do the same for you. Let us know how we can help. I’m here and Caitlin is here.

Up ahead

Stay tune for other evidence-based approaches to treating trauma that I cannot even begin to describe! I’ll leave it to the experts.

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Ada Pang, MS, LMFT is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice in WA. She helps distressed couples and breast cancer patients. She understands that she cannot be known for too many things, but yes, she loves helping amazing but struggling people recover from trauma as well. When she’s not working or thinking about work, she’s eating or thinking about food. 

How to be with the 2016 US Election Results

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Unexpected results

Wow! What a week and it’s not over yet. Tuesday seems like eons ago. The election results shocked the whole world, leaving some celebrating, others protesting. On the one hand, as an immigrant and a woman of color, I hear and identify with the concerned voices of my fellow brothers and sisters as they face an amplified fear to the already prevalent racism, xenophobia, islamophobia, homophobia and sexism in our society. On the other hand, republican voters speak to the hopelessness and oppression they felt under the Obama administration. Each has a story to tell.

Narrowing the great divide

Our country is facing unprecedented polarization. That leaves a “we” versus “them” mentality with little room to hear the other. Whether you are a distraught Clinton voter who has taken to the streets, a victorious Trump supporter beaming with pride or a secretive Republican supporter afraid to come out of the closet, here are some ways to be post election.

1. Come together – be with those who share your viewpoint. Find company. Look around you and know that you’re not alone.
2. Express yourself – silence is dangerous. Speak to your hopes, fears, frustration and disappointment. Use words, art, music, anything.
3. Let your feelings come and go, come again and go again – if you’re experiencing shock, denial, anguish, sadness, fear, anxiety, anger, joy, thrill or whatever else, acknowledge them. Pushing away unpleasant feelings will only make them stronger; prolonging pleasant feelings will make you miss out on the here and now.
4. Revisit your values – remind yourself what you’re about and how you want life to be for you, your family, your neighbors, your community, the environment, animal life, and human kind.
5. Know your impact – your beliefs and thoughts carried out in words and actions will affect another. Your choices have consequences, positive or negative. Imagine the effect of those same choices when done to YOUR father, mother, brother, sister, son, daughter, best friend and those your love.
6. Listen closely – you come with your worldviews, life experiences and biases as you encounter another’s worldviews, life experiences and biases. Listen and understand another’s perspective even though that has and might never be your reality.
7. Stand up for justice – give voice to those who are silenced or are afraid to speak up. Stand with those who are treated less than because of their race, gender, sexual orientation, age, religion, class, abilities, looks or ethnicity. Pause to reflect on what each of these even mean. 
8. Teach the next generation – when your children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews inherit this earth, what do you want them to know about caring for ourselves and each other?
9. See our humanity – we are first human beings BEFORE our differences divided us. Strip us to the core, we have the same needs for safety, love and connection:

I might not know your story, but let me hear it. 

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Ada Pang, MS, LMFT is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond therapy practice in WA. At the heart of what she does, she’s about helping people flourish and live compassionate and vital lives. She can be found at PeopleBloomCounseling.com.

An Overview on Trauma

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My trauma story

In June of 2014, my maternal aunt passed away. It was very sudden and traumatic. I still remember the call I got from mom and her words, verbatim, though spoken in Cantonese, “Ning has passed away.” It seemed very surreal, and I still remember I was in the kitchen, holding my phone, in shock.

What followed was an hour phone call with mom as she told the story and we wept together. Actually, I wasn't sure if it has been an hour because time took on a different dimension. My husband didn't know what to do. Though mom and I spoke in Cantonese, he was able to make out the content of what we were talking about. He just sat next to me and held me as I held the phone, and my mom.

My body's response to trauma

As mentioned in an earlier post, my body tends to hold stress and tension. In the days following, my body locked up and I felt very tensed. I went for my one and only massage with a gift certificate I have received years ago. It provided temporary relief. I went through waves of normal work and home life, followed by strong emotions and uncontrollable sobbing when a co-worker asked me how I was doing.

I stayed up in the middle of the night, recounting what happened, hearing my mom's voice, remembering the last encounter with my aunt. I was more sensitive to others' stories about the death of their loved ones, however they might have passed. I had a strong desire for people to stay alive. Above it all, I was angry that the sun was still shining, that life kept going for the rest of the world.

I know I needed to let go of this pain, this hurt and I finally went on a very long bike ride on my day off. I wasn't in bike-shape, but that didn't matter. It was also one of the hotter days in Seattle; 88-degrees outside. While I filled up on water at every juncture, I was still low at the end of the day. However, nothing compared to the flying feeling I experienced while on petals. It was as if the breeze took with it my burden, my tension, and leaving with me memories of my aunt. That was just the beginning of my healing process.

Trauma definition

The truth is, one in two people will experience trauma in their lifetime. That's 50%. And with the never-ending breaking news, I can only imagine that statistic going up.

Trauma is an emotional response to stressful and dangerous events that happened to you or other people. Examples of traumatic events include:

• living through natural disasters
• experiencing serious accident or injury
• being a victim of crime, violence or abuse
• witnessing someone else as a victim of crime, violence or abuse
• going through a scary medical procedure
• someone close to you dying suddenly

Trauma symptoms

Trauma symptoms are best described in four clusters:

1. Re-experiencing: as you go about your day, you might experience intrusive thoughts about what happened. These thoughts take you back to the event as if you're re-living it. At night, you might dream about what happened. Sometimes you can pinpoint what triggered these memories; other times they come out of no where. You're likely to experience these symptoms at night, and when you're relax and less occupied.

2. Arousal: memories of the trauma often bring strong emotions and physical sensations. Examples of arousal symptoms include trouble falling or staying asleep, anger and irritability, and difficulty concentrating. You might also have feelings of being on guard, like you're constantly watching over your shoulder, and being easily startled.

3. Unhelpful mood and cognitions: as a result of the traumatic event, you might experience a lot of shame and guilt and blame yourself or others for what has happened. You might report feeling sad or hopeless, becoming less engaged in life and feeling cut-off from the rest of the world. It is also possible for you to have trouble remembering key aspects of what happened.

4. Avoidance: because memories of the trauma are so hard to bear, there's a tendency to push away any thoughts, places, activities, people, facts or associations related to the trauma. You might avoid media content that reminds you of the event. You might actively try to avoid thinking about the trauma or feeling your feelings about what happened. Sometimes, avoidance strategies include the use of drugs and alcohol, staying busy, being promiscuous, or making other choices that provide temporal relief.

Diagnosis of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

While most traumatic symptoms surface within three months of the event, sometimes they remain dormant for a long time. It is normal to experience these stress reactions following a traumatic event and for some of us, these symptoms naturally dissipate. For others, these symptoms linger for at least a month and can affect home, work and social life. If that's you, it is important to meet with a mental health professional to determine whether you meet criteria for Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

Hope for trauma survivors

The initial symptoms I experienced following the death of my aunt were a normal trauma response. While I recovered naturally, I know that many people who have experienced trauma have not, and I want to help. If that's you, there is hope. PTSD is treatable. Trauma treatment is hard work but the results are evident and sustained overtime. In my next posts, I'll talk about the different ways of treating PTSD: Cognitive Behavioral approaches and mind-body integration.

In the meantime, let me know if you need help.

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Ada Pang, MS, LMFT is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond counseling practice in WA. She helps distressed couples and breast cancer patients. She has also seen a lot of improvement in her work with trauma clients. Since that initial massage, she has had many more massages. She realizes that when she is stressed and tensed, it feels good to be touched and cared for. She hopes you'll also find ways to care for you.

Do We Go Further in Relationships or Do I Go Faster on my Own?

I've been coming across this African proverb often within the Emotionally Focused Therapy community, “Alone I go faster. Together we go further.” I can really see this playing out during my trip to Orlando.

Husband and I were there for eight days, mostly play mixed in with some work. We visited Epcot, Magic Kingdom, Universal Studios, Typhoon Lagoon and Disney Springs. We played like kids, except our bodies don't do what they used to do.

During rides

You see, near the end of our trip, we wrote a journal account of where we've been and what we did. There was an underlying theme: we went on this 3-D simulator ride and husband got sick. We rested. We then went on this next ride, and husband got sick again. I clearly remember at the end of Harry Potter and Escape from Gringotts and husband turning to me, saying, “I need a break.” The lighting made it difficult to see whether he looked pale or not.

Now, am I bummed that we didn't get to go on as many rides as I'd like? Absolutely. The thunder storm was also a contributing factor. And, did I stretch husband and still took him on more rides than he would've liked? Absolutely. Meanwhile, all around me, I was reminded me how I could go faster on my own: wait times will be less for single riders. However, it wouldn't be nearly as fun without him next to me.

Here's why.

What I haven't told you is that I'm a screamer. I get startled easily and I let everyone know when I'm startled. Hence, while my husband might get sick, I'm the one who gets scared and I'm usually reaching for his hand at some point. And, the reason why I get to enjoy these rides is because I feel less scared when I have a hand to hold. As Jim Coan's research might tell us, while a stranger's hand is better than no hand, nothing compares to a lover's grip.

Throughout the day

Rides aside, I can see how having the company of each other helped us last the whole day for five straight days:

“Hon, can you hold this?”

“I have Tylenol.”

“You're about to go into this store for the 3rd time.” (Gift shops span the whole block with multiple entries.)

“We'll be eating at this award-winning theme park restaurant!”

“Let's go to Africa at the end because that's where the safari is. Nemo the Musical is in Dinoland.”

Not to mention on my own, I would've spent a lot of time getting lost.

With a friend

Husband and I often joke that when we go on vacation, I have pictures of him at Disney World or he has pictures of me in front of the Universal Studios rotating globe, but seldom is there a picture of us together. Technology supposedly solved this problem for us with the invention of the selfie stick. However, every picture has an extended arm, a background that's compromised, or the selfie stick just doesn't work very well for a DSLR.

Now what if we were not ONE couple but went with another friend or friends? Assuming we'll spend some time together, we can take each other's pictures.

In the meantime, I help strangers take pictures against the backdrop of Expedition Everest and we can usually get a picture in return. Sure it takes more time, but it helps to document that we were indeed in Orlando, together.

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Ada Pang, MS, LMFT is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond counseling practice in WA. She helps distressed couples and breast cancer thrivers. When she's not working hard, she's playing hard. Her favorite Orlando theme park was Epcot and her favorite rides were Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey, Expedition Everest, Soarin' and Despicable Me: Minion Mayhem. Nemo the Musical was also quite amazing!

The Subtle Communication in Relationships and Why it Matters so Much

We got this, right?

I'm on Orlando grounds writing this. Having written about a happily ever after wedding, it seems timely that my husband and I have been here for this past week, hanging out at Disney World and its rival, Universal Studios. Having traveled together, we've gotten into a groove. But every time we go somewhere new, there's a subtle shift in our routine.

This time, it involves a water bottle.

It's hot and humid in Orlando and we try to stay hydrated. This translates to me having to pee often. Usually, there's a water fountain by the bathroom and that's also the time when I'd have my husband do re-fills so we can save time.

I thought we have this routine down, until three days in, I again handed him the bottle before I slipped into the bathroom in a hurry. I came out to the same water level. “Husband?!” I joked, as I looked down at my water bottle. He was puzzled. He thought I had wanted him to hold onto it and that was it.

What was going on in my head

Now, I could've interpreted this many different ways:

“Husband doesn't care about me”

“Husband was distracted by the attractions at the Animal Kingdom”

“I didn't say so; hence, he didn't know”

“Why do I need to spell it out? Shouldn't he know by now?”

And depending on how close, connected and accepting I feel towards him, my interpretation, and hence my response, would differ.

Imagine if we've been fighting at the “happiest place on earth”, I'll be more prone to see this as further evidence of his insensitivity. And given we're on good terms, and I know he cares and loves me, I can joke about it.

We cannot NOT communicate

We're constantly communicating to and with our partner. Whether it's a handing over of a water bottle, a shrug, a turning away, or a leaning in. We cannot NOT communicate. And depending on the state of our relationship, a simple withdrawing of the hand can have huge implications.

“You don't care about me.”

“I don't matter to you.”

“You don't want to hold my hand.”

“Here we go again!”

“What's the matter with you?”

“I can't make you happy!”

It's tiring when we're stuck at seeing ourselves and our partners in this way. There is a reason why this happens. It's because our attachment to our partner is not too different than an infant's attachment to his/her caregiver.

Longing for connection with our partner

Psychologist Sue Johnson, co-founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, speaks about a dance that we get into with our partners. To summarize, here are the rough steps:

• we invite connection with our partner by reaching for them. We're basically asking, “Are you there for me? Are we still connected?”
• if we don't see a response, we protest and push for one. “It's too frightening to see that we're disconnected and so out comes Anger from Inside Out.”
• If there continues to be a lack of response, or the protesting becomes too much, we turn away or shut down as a way of coping. “It hurts too much to feel rejected, or I feel too threatened when I'm attacked. I need to hide out to protect myself.”
• as a step up from protest and push, we melt down and frantically demand from our partner as a last resort. “Hello, anybody home?! Don't withdraw from me; this hurts too much!!!”
• in a secure relationship, we find a way to turn back to each other and reconnect. “You're really important to me and to be reassured and comforted by you is all that I really need.”

Along with developmental psychologist Edward Tronick, Johnson made a short clip demonstrating how we've been doing this dance since infancy:

Here's an earlier blog that explains this experiment further (How to Talk to your Partner about your Problems and Why this Works). 

Back to the water bottle

To the extent that I know my husband and I were still connected and he didn't perceive my teasing as criticism, we averted the full dance. That is not to say that we won't ever go back to moments of painful disconnection; rather, we'll find a way to each other again.

I love how Johnson quoted Walt Whitman at the end, “We were together, I forget the rest.”

Need help?

Navigating this dance is hard work. Need some coaching help? Give me a call!

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Ada Pang, MS, LMFT is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond counseling practice in WA. She loves helping distressed couples learn to connect in a safe and secure way. When she's not working hard, she's playing hard. Her favorite Orlando theme park was Epcot and her favorite rides were Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey, Expedition Everest, Soarin' and Despicable Me: Minion Mayhem. Nemo the Musical was also quite amazing!