Letting Go When a Friendship Ends

Photo by Clarisse Meyer on Unsplash

There’s so much advice and guidance out there on how to heal from break ups. If you just broke up with your honey, Cosmo gives you full permission to have a good cry, bust out bonbons, put on a Rom Com and stay in bed all week. But there’s very little in the self-help world about what to do when platonic friends go separate ways.

We’ve all been there - and it feels weird and confusing.

Why we hang on

Sometimes we hang on to friendships because we don’t know any better. We do it because the friendship is comfortable and it’s scary to walk away.Other times we hang on to friends because of fear that we’ll hurt their feelings if we leave their side. Still other times, we cling because it’s what we know, and it's hard to imagine our life without the person we were once close to.

Why we break up 

Even if you had amazing times with a friend in the past, it doesn’t mean that connection was meant to last forever. As we get older, we often change so much that we’re no longer compatible with old friends. Or maybe you’ve stayed the same, but your friend’s interests and values have shifted, or vice versa.  Sometimes our life circumstances change. There are countless reasons for going separate ways, and all are valid.

Not all friendships are meant to persist. With age we learn to distinguish between friendships that we should fight to keep, and those we should release. If you tune into what fills your cup, you know deep down what’s best for you.

Whether you have a conversation about breaking up or the friendship dissipates on its own, it can be uncomfortable. Telling someone you can’t be their friend feels harsh, even if your words are true. Ghosting feels flakey and lacks heart.

However you go about ending a friendship, it’s ok to free yourself of the guilt you feel. Keeping a friendship that no longer works for you can feel disingenuous. It is likely taking up spoons that you can use elsewhere. When you let go of a friendship, you’re setting boundaries and doing what’s best for you.

When a friend lets us go

Sometimes we’re the ones hanging on to the past. In this case, you and your bygone friend aren’t on the same page - you want to fight for a friendship, but you see signs that your friend doesn’t reciprocate this feeling. If you were once close, this can feel as painful as a romantic break-up, and no one ever prepared us for this scenario.  

The comfort I want to offer is this: know that parting ways with friends we once loved is common and normal. Friendship goes through seasons and sometimes, these relationships wither and don’t make it to that next season. Mourn the friendship by remembering the good things, and then honor your friend’s choice to let you go. 

And it’s also ok if it takes time to accept. When you have to say goodbye to friendships that mattered at one point, it makes sense that it would hurt. There’s no manual for how to do it right, or how to heal So, take your time getting over this breakup like you would a relationship breakup. Significant friendships were once intimate after all.

Finding your own closure

Because the end of a friendship is usually muddled in a grey area and doesn’t always get the closure that some romantic partnerships do, you may have to say your goodbyes on your own.  You can do this in a journal, in your thoughts and prayers, or in conversations with people you trust. Honor these past friends by acknowledging the good things they brought to your life in the season you had together. There was a time when it served you both well. It wasn’t all for nothing but it’s also time to move on.

Friendship breakups can be disorienting - but they are part of being social creatures, and I’m certain they’re the topic of many therapy sessions. If you need extra support, our therapists can guide you through this change in season, and help you see that your life can be whole, even as friends come and go

Let us know if we can help!

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Karen Lenz is the Office Whiz and Insurance Guru at People Bloom Counseling. She writes blog posts as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. She has noticed that old friends from past lives coming out of the woodwork during the pandemic and decided to share some reflections on those that have gone their own way.

Now Say you’re Sorry!” Everything you Need to Know about Apologies in Two Blogs - Part II

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

If you’ve ever had a rift in your relationship, you know that apologizing is hard to do, and sometimes we could use a manual for doing it right. In Why Won’t you Apologize?, Dr. Harriet Lerner devotes a whole book to the art of apologizing. I’ve borrowed from her work to give you the keys to a stellar apology! In my last blog, I discussed the “why’s” of apologizing - why it matters, and who it is for. In part II, I identify the important elements for both the giver and the receiver of the apology. Being mindful of these things can help you make the repair process smoother with your humans, which translates to more time getting along and less time in tension and conflict. 

Born defensive

In her book, Lerner refers to the mischief of defensiveness.* We are wired for defensiveness  -- we want to protect the idealized image we have of ourselves. This is particularly difficult if you struggle with a shaky self-worth. When you’re in that space, you’re more likely to skew the words and hear “you are bad,” and you can easily drop into a shame-shit-storm. In those moments, you’re more vulnerable to fuse who you are with what you’ve done. 

Here comes our defenses! Our subconscious brain fights and says “I’m not bad, I can’t be bad, that doesn’t fit with the image I have of who I am.” And the words come out in some version of “I’m not wrong, you’re wrong.” But we cannot offer a genuine apology in this space… because in this space, we cannot listen carefully to the hurt party’s anger and pain. Instead, we listen defensively and listen for what we don’t agree with. We listen to correct the inaccuracies, the exaggerations, the “not true” part of what our person is telling us. This prevents us from hearing them out and understanding them; this protects us from the shame of acknowledging our own mistakes. 

Start with listening 

Good apologies first require good listening.* The first step in being a good listener involves being tuned into ourselves enough to recognize when we aren’t ready to listen. Check in with yourself first. Are you feeling anxious, angry, or distracted? If so, let the speaking party know you’d like to listen to them but you’ve got too much white noise happening within. Ask to come back to this conversation after you have some time to ground yourself. You can do this by taking some deep breaths, going for a walk, getting your to-do-list done, or practicing grounding techniques (a quick Google search will help you find a variety of these). Figure out what you need in order to show up wholehearted and present for your person. Then follow these guidelines:*

• Once you’re ready to engage, look for signs you’re getting defensive. Take a look at your body’s signals of an escalated nervous system (feeling tense, guarded)...and again, breathe. Lerner says we cannot listen with an overheated system. 

• Listen to discover only what you can understand and agree with. You shouldn’t be mentally making our case. 

• Ask questions about the parts that you don’t understand. Ask clarifying questions so that you’re really understanding what the hurt person is saying. Tone is everything with this; we cannot be curious and furious at the same time. 

• Offer your apology. 

• Let the hurt person know that you’ve heard, seen, and understood them. You can do that by reflecting back to them what they’ve said, acknowledging the feelings they shared, and summarizing with a validating statement such as “I get why this was hurtful,” or, “that makes a lot of sense to me.” 

• Thank the person for their honesty. Let them know you’ll continue thinking about this, invite further conversation, and make a plan for how you can do better. 

Acknowledge our differences 

Once you’re out of the listen-and-apologize piece, you can discuss where you disagree. Lerner emphasizes that this should not be conflicting with what you’ve already said, rather, acknowledging aspects of what your person shared that you might see differently.* We won’t agree with our person in every area all the time, and that’s okay. Intimacy requires coming to terms with our differences and learning to respect and appreciate our partner for the ways in which we’re different. We want to explore and understand these differences with curiosity and acceptance, rather than fighting to come out on top. 

Hurting, party of one?

When you’re the hurt party and it’s time to share your point of view, there are also some important rules to follow.*

• Keep it simple, and don’t over-talk. 

• Don’t blame or shame. This is VERY important, because blaming and shaming is likely to activate the other person’s defenses and you’ll be far less likely to get the acknowledgment you need. Do not blame, instead, assertively state your experience. 

• Use “I feel” statements, rather than “you” statements. E.g, “I felt hurt when you left me behind on the running trail.” Use your feeling words. 

• Don’t accuse or assume ill-intent. I (me, Abby) can speculate that most of us don’t do and say things with conscious intent to harm people we care about. 

• Don’t demand an apology. We want to stand on high ground as we present this information, recognizing we have zero control over the other person’s response. The healing comes from owning our story. 

Owning fault is hard

If apologizing were easy, Lerner wouldn’t have written her book and I wouldn’t have written this two-part blog. We come armored with weapons to protect our sense of self and who we believe ourselves to be in the world, but those weapons can wound. Owning our mess-ups is vulnerable, as we come with all of our imperfections and hope that the person we hurt will meet us with grace. It’s a fragile process, and it takes time and practice to master. But for the sake of our loved ones, ourselves, and our precious relationships...it’s worth tending to the cuts. 

If you’re struggling in your relationship and need help learning to offer healthy apologies, or receive them, our clinicians can help! 

*Borrowed from Why Won’t You Apologize? By Harriet Lerner, PhD (2018).

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Abby Erickson is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps people with anxiety and social anxiety learn ways to better manage their angst. She also helps people struggling with low self-esteem and body image issues be comfortable in their own skin. Since the pandemic, she has been providing counseling via telehealth. She’s enjoying not having to wear real pants. Down time in the age of Coronavirus has welcomed wine nights, hiking, and spending time with her roommate. 

What's Really Going on When You're Emotionally Triggered

Photo by Mike Von on Unsplash

It doesn’t take much to be triggered

We’re still in the middle of a global pandemic and it doesn’t take a lot to get triggered. People are not following social distancing rules. You and your partner can’t agree on how much precaution you need to take. Your parents don’t understand the severity of the situation. On top of all that, there are the stories of George Floyd, Christian Cooper, Ahmaud Arbery and Breonna Taylor. And the list goes on. 

The thing is, it’s not a matter of if you get emotionally triggered but when. When you’re triggered, it helps to slow down for a moment and notice the following*: 

1. What is your trigger? What are you reacting to? What is making you feel uneasy, riled up or vulnerable? We do not all get triggered the same way by the same things. Identify your trigger.

2. What is your body telling you? It takes a fraction of a second for an alarm bell to show up in our bodies. Where are you feeling the sensation in your body? Some people talk about their muscles tensing up, their stomach fluttering, their chest feeling heavy. Your body is trying to tell you something is off. Listen to it.

3. What do you tell yourself? What often follows is an internal monologue. “Do people know how important it is to wear masks?” “Why is my mom going out again like it’s business as usual?” “Black. People. Dead. Not. Again.” Whatever you tell yourself, notice it. 

4. What are you feeling? See if you can trace an emotion to what just happened. What are you feeling? Frustration. Annoyance. Anger. Indignant. Whatever is showing up, they’re valid emotions.

5. What else are you feeling? Feelings are like layers of an onion. On the surface, you might be feeling some emotions initially. If we were to really dig deep, we often find that there are deeper emotions like sadness, hurt, fear and pain.

6. What do you want to do? Like a knee jerk reaction, you might want to yell, to lecture your mom, to seek justice. Whatever you might want to do, know that there’s a difference between wanting to do something and actually doing it. 

7. What do you really need? Is there a resolution you’re seeking?
   “I want people to know that as a nurse, we almost lost a dear colleague and we’ve lost too many patients to COVID. The grief is too great. I don’t want to see you in urgent care. Please follow CDC guidelines.”
   “Mom, I get scared when you are out and about and not maintaining social                distancing because I don’t want to lose you.” 
   “Black. Lives. Matter. We don’t get to stop spreading this message, not even for a health pandemic. We’re tired of losing our men and women. We’re sad and we’re afraid. We need you to know that we matter, not in spite of our skin color but simply because we do. We. Matter. We are an important part of society.

Slowing down and taking notice

Often, we go from trigger to action in a matter of seconds without really slowing down and noticing what’s going on for us. When you do take stock of your trigger, your body’s response, your narrative, your feelings, your action tendencies and your needs, you might find that there are various ways to deal with an external situation that that you initially may have felt you have no control over.  Even if you were to notice just some of these elements, that’s still more helpful than none at all. 

This is an exercise that needs to be experienced, rather than intellectualized. Whether it’s a systemic problem in the world or an issue in your relationship or in your individual life, how you respond to triggers is important. If you’re feeling stuck and you need help figuring out your responses, our counselors are here to help. 

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With a heavy, heavy heart,
Ada

*Ideas borrowed from Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples and individuals.

Teens: 7 Tips to Help a Friend who’s Feeling Suicidal

Photo by Duy Pham on Unsplash

Dating myself

When I was a teen in the mid-90’s, the internet was just becoming a thing. Rumors were spread through word of mouth or note passing. I know. Hard to believe. When high school drama happened, the same news lasted for days, sometimes weeks. It meant that if I had a spat with one group of friends and tried to join another, I had time to go through the highs and lows of what happened.

Comparing myself to others was inevitable, but was limited only to people I knew. Popular culture still held impossible beauty standards, but photoshop did not exist back then. Mario Kart and Street Fighter were the video and arcade games of the time and shows like 13 Reasons Why were unfathomable. I was an average student and the pressure to excel and competitive college admission were not nearly as grueling as they are today.

It’s so different being a teen in 2019.

If I were a teen today

I’ve visited schools like Redmond High, Lake Washington, and Bellevue High and I try to imagine what it’s like to walk the halls as a student. That would probably be hard to pull off. But I still try to imagine it.

I wonder if I would feel included. Would I put on my ear buds and appear to not care?
Fire drills would be as boring as they were in the 90s, but how would I feel about active shooter drills?

Scrolling through Instagram, would I obsess over who my ex is talking to? I imagine the thoughts that would run through my mind incessantly: I wonder if he’s talking to Kenzie. Why can’t I get my IG posts to look like Kenzie’s? Why did I wear these tights today? My over-sized sweater isn’t oversized enough to cover my butt. I don’t feel ready for the math quiz even though I stayed up until 1am, studying for it. Sam will probably ask me if I want any edibles again. Awkward.

That’s probably a toned down version of what some of you might be going through. There is so much pressure on teens to be and do and act a certain way. Sometimes, the pressures of life push people to the brink of considering ending their lives, even if these thoughts and feelings are fleeting.

Jack Klott, an expert on suicide prevention talks about thoughts of suicide being a common experience. When life feels unbearable, suicide is seen as a way to end the pain. While this may not be your experience, here is how to help a friend who is feeling suicidal.

Tips for helping a friend who talks about wanting to end their life

1. Try to stay calm – I say try to because I know it’s not easy. Your friend is talking about wanting to do something that’s completely irreversible and you ought to take their words seriously. But, when you’re freaking out, it can send the message that they should’ve never told anyone and cue them to go back to isolating themselves.

2. Thank them for telling you – it takes a lot of courage to admit that they’re struggling and struggling to this extent. In an age of image crafting where people put their best everything forward, any signs of vulnerability should be encouraged. Yes, whether they’re telling you for the 1st time or the Nth time, thank them for sharing with you.

3. Tell them they mean a lot to you – one of the reasons why people want to end their lives is because they didn’t think life is worth living. People stay alive because they’re hopeful about the future, because they have friends and family who care about them, because they cannot leave their dog, because their faith prohibits them, because the physical pain will be too much, and for many other reasons. While you are not responsible for their life, you can be a potential reason for them to choose to live. Tell them they matter to you.

4. Touch base with them – even though you may not know how to help your friend who feels suicidal, staying in touch sends the message that you care. Your presence, your willingness to be in their lives is telling them, “I see you. I’m here for you. How are you today?”

5. Tell them about the following resources:

   • Teen Link is a confidential and anonymous hotline in WA staffed by teen volunteers trained to talk to other teens who are going through a tough time: call or text (866) 833-6546.

   • National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: (800) 273-TALK (8255) or text CONNECT to 741741 in the United States.

   • TrevorLifeline for the LGBTQ community: (866) 488-7386 or text START to 678678 in the United States.

   • Now Matters Now has many videos to help people deal with suicidal thoughts

6. Talk to an adult – you are a teen yourself, feeling some of the same pressures mentioned. Don’t bear this burden alone or amongst your friend group. Even if your friend who disclosed disclosed in confidence that you keep this a secret, we take thoughts and talks of suicide very seriously. Tell a coach, a teacher, a school counselor, a parent. Any adult. They have access to more resources and have more life experiences and training to get help for your friend.

7. Take care of yourself – it’s hard being the one holding the weight of this disclosure. A part of being able to share the burden with adults is so you can free up some space to take care of you. Please talk to others about how you’re doing. Keep going to your basketball practice, jamming out to Taylor Swift, and doing all the things you used to care about. You’re not responsible for your friend but you are responsible for you.

Support for you

If you need someone to talk to about these matters or the challenges of being a teen, we’re here for you. Bob Russell sees a lot of teen boys and Abby Erickson, girls. Let us know how we can help.

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. She’s committed to helping people find a life worth living, no matter their age. 

Goal Setting in 2019: Increasing your Motivation for Change

Photo by Luis Quintero on Unsplash

It’s the first week of New Year’s and a lot of people like you are thinking about New Year’s resolutions, goal setting, and life hacking in 2019. There’s something about a new year that hits the restart button for us. It’s 1st quarter again, the challenges of 2018 are behind us, and the hope for a new beginning ahead.

Last year, I rained on your New Year’s parade by reminding you of the realities of setting new year’s resolutions. This year I’ll share with you my struggles, how I keep at it, and urge you to move towards your goals for a better health, relationship, and life.

My burden to bear

It’s hard to pinpoint exactly when my shoulder pain started. Has it been there for six or nine months? Mostly definitely after the two fender benders. Being in front of the computer most days doesn’t help. Leaning towards my clients during emotionally intense moments doesn’t either. I wake up everyday sensing the pain in my right shoulder. I make every effort to sleep only on my back. Nonetheless, I couldn’t lift my arm in the morning without significant strain.

Not a very good patient

You see, I get PT and massage every two weeks. The problem is, I don’t always follow through with recommendations. PT exercises will only take 10-15 min to complete each day, but I’m not a very good patient.*

*took a break to do one of six exercises

They’re not fun, quite boring actually, and I need to rest in between exercises before starting over. Sometimes I go off to do something else in between, leaving the TheraBands wedged between closed doors. It wasn’t until I tried to go to the bathroom and wondered why the door was shut did I realize, “Oh, PT exercises…”

The costs of staying the same

Aside from the significant pain I feel when I first open my eyes, I feel like a crab fumbling around as I dress myself. I need help getting the bed ready for house guests because my arm tires easily from pulling and lifting. I feel the strain when I do meal prep, carry heavy things, and reach for longer than 10 seconds. During yoga, I couldn’t lower myself all the way down from plank pose without my knees also coming down. I hesitate starting Orangetheory not knowing if my body will get upset with me the next day.

What I’ve tried

So I’ve read everything under the sun about setting SMARTER goals*, goals that are Specific, Measurable, Actionable, Risky, Time-stamped, Exciting and Relevant. I even note PT exercises on my quarterly planner as a recurring goal. I tried to carry a TheraBand with me to work so I can do these exercises where I spend the most time, only to bring it home, untouched. I tried to set aside time in the morning before breakfast or right when I come home, but when that time passes, I’d tell myself, “I guess I’ll have to wait until tomorrow...”

The worst of it was when I tried to tie it to something that I routinely do, like, “If I don’t do my exercises, then I can’t floss either.” Yes, very strange indeed. Other people might have flossing as one of their goals; for me, I can’t go to bed without flossing. It just feels wrong. And yet, I did it one time because that was how much I didn’t want to do my exercises. I swiftly separated the associations between these two activities.

It just wasn’t working.

Why this matters

I don’t have an epic tale to tell you, one filled with a triumphant overcome, of a body free of pain and discomfort. What I will tell you is a daily reminder of why it’s important to do my exercises and why it matters that I experience less pain.

I want to spend less time commuting to this or that appointment. I want to be able to carry a Camelbak with 2 liters of water and to do so with ease when I hike in New Zealand next month. I want to start Orangetheory and see that my body is capable of healing from what has developed into more of a chronic problem. I want to put my arm around my husband’s waist like he does mine when we’re walking side-by-side.

The truth of the matter is, this shoulder pain has really limited me and I don’t want to live like this.

What’s working

I no longer set a definite time for when I need to do my exercises. My TheraBands are readily available and you don’t know this but I actually completed all my exercises for the day in between writing this blog. Every time I pass up an opportunity to do my exercises, I ask myself, “Why not now?” and use that minute to do a prep. I vary the order of the exercises so they feel fresh to me. Over time, I notice less pain, greater range of motion and that encourages me to keep going.

I still fall back into my old ways but I know it’s never too late to pick it back up. And, I don’t have to wait until it’s the beginning of a new year, the beginning of a new quarter, or the beginning of a new anything to do so. It can happen right here, right now.

But, that’s me. So, what about you?

Let’s talk change

I’d encourage you to reflect on the following questions** as you set goals for 2019:

1. Why do you want to make this change?

2. Are you capable of this change?

3. How might this benefit you?

4. Why does this change matter to you?

Can you remember why you’d be willing to disrupt your routine to make this change, even when it’s inconvenient, boring, uncomfortable, or even painful? What are the costs of things staying exactly the same? What might you gain if you put one foot in front of the other? If you give up soon after the new year’s, who is there to support you to get you back on track?

When you ponder these questions and answer truthfully, it’ll firm up your “why” for making this change. When you’re invested in the process and the outcome, it’ll increase your motivation to see your goals to the end. But don’t stop there: While you can read and think about goal setting all day long, the most important step is still taking actions towards the things that matter to you. As you eat, live and breathe the change you want for your life, ask yourself, “How do I like this new normal?”

You can always tweak and adjust as you go.

Change is slow

No one likes to take it slow. Everyone, to some degree, want things to happen yesterday, with lasting effects and little effort. Sorry to break it to you, but Rebecca Solnit, an American writer, says it best -

“Even earthquakes are the consequences of tensions built up over long spans of time, imperceptibly, incrementally. You don’t notice the buildup, just the release. You see a sick person, an old person, a dying person, the sight sinks in, and somewhere down the road you change your life. In movies and novels, people change suddenly and permanently, which is convenient and dramatic but not much like life, where you gain distance on something, relapse, resolve, try again, and move along in stops, starts, and stutters. Change is mostly slow.”

If you want to make sustainable changes that will last throughout the year, we’re here to help. We’ll be truly human, seeing you through your “stops, starts and stutters” without judgment, while moving you closer to the life you want to live. Give us a call today.

* Borrowed from The Full Focus Planner
** Borrowed from Motivational Interviewing

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice in WA. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. A day after writing this blog, she went to her first Orangetheory class. For the next few days, she walked around the office like a crab. She will go back. “You’re not out of shape,” says Jake who checked her in, “We just need to get you feeling stronger.” So it is.

How Standup Paddle Boarding Informs my Life and Counseling Practice

I'm out and about, living my life and I see stories that tie into how I practice counseling. Here is an example of such.

SUP

I first tried SUP in O'ahu. I took a lesson with my husband, mother-in-law, and brother-in-law and we were in very calm waters inside a canal. I was the only one who didn't fall in. I used to be proud of that, except when I look back, I knew it was because I was the only non-swimmer and was tensed the whole time. I really didn't enjoy the lesson as much as everyone else. They were laughing and splashing around and I was, just scared.

Is it possible that falling into the water is a part of the SUP experience?

SUP + falling

Now a few years later, I've grown less afraid of water and have been out on many more SUP adventures. I've decided that falling in is inevitable: a friend can threaten to tackle me, I can collide into my husband, the currents might be too strong... When I fall in, it is an opportunity for me to work on my chicken, airplane, solider stroke. And while there really isn't a graceful way to fall, it is still preferred to fall directly into the water rather than to hit the board first.

SUP + waves

It's not always calm like the canal. Boats and jet skis pass by, it's breezy, or the water is just choppy. I've learned that if we waited until it's calm, we might never head out.

It's tempting to sit down when the waves come. Sometimes I sit too long before I get back up. And I've tried avoiding the waves, only to have them catch up with me. It seems counter-intuitive, but the most effective way to go through the waves is to face them head on. When I point the nose of my board perpendicular to the waves, while I still feel the motion, I'm actually more stable.

Now I'm not saying there isn't a time and a place to sit and ride out the waves, or even take a break ashore. My husband and I were in Maui and the white caps barely missed us. It wasn't wise to stay out, especially not with a sea-sick husband. But, it's important that that experience did not keep us in the rest of our trip.

SUP + joy

So, what's all the rave about SUP? Why bother? SUP takes us places we couldn't otherwise go. Today, we started out at Madison Park and explored the Arboretum. It was a gorgeous day in Seattle. We got to watch the clouds change patterns, feel the warmth of the sun on our backs, say hello to kayakers and canoers, and explore beneath the 520-bridge. The waters gave a beautiful reflection of the sky and the motion of swaying side-to-side soothed and comforted us.

SUP + life

What parallels am I drawing here? There are times when life is calm. Enjoy those moments. And when it gets rough, know that's also a part of being alive. Falling is inevitable, and getting back up can take a while. After getting back up, it's tempting to stay put so you don't fall again. But when you're sitting down, it's also hard to go very far.

What if feeling the currents of life and feeling off balance at times is a part of living? There's no way around that. And when you try to run away from problems you need to face, they will catch up with you. Like in my previous blog post quoting Robert Frost, it helps to keep going.

That begs the questions, “Where are you heading? What do you want life to be about? Have you let the current of life swept you in another direction? Or, are you distracted by where others are going? Can you pause to orient yourself to where you want to go and keep heading in that direction, even though you can't see very far?”

Focus on what's near you. You can make immediate choices and overcome challenges that will get you closer to where you want to go. Then, remember to zoom out and look ahead. Don't lose sight of where you're heading. You can always change direction based on what you value and the goals you set.

Sure, have your me-time, but know that life is not meant to be journeyed alone. It helps to have someone share with you the joys and the trials. This could be a partner, and it could also be family and friends. In a recent blog post, I talked about why relationships are important.

SUP + psychotherapy

What about my counseling practice? How does this apply? I believe you want your life to matter for something. I want to help you get there, one moment at a time. Try swiping your paddle in the water this way, what happens? If you went back to the gym only 1x/week, what would happen? What if you reached lower with your paddle, how does that affect your speed? If you were to practice this defusion exercise I give you, would you let me know how that worked for you?

Ultimately, you don't HAVE to do anything I ask you to do. After all, I want your life to be about wanting to, rather than having to. However, I'm guessing you want your life to be different, and I would want that for you too. Would you join me in braving the waves, the falling in, while learning ways to face your problems as you live a value-driven life? I'm ready when you are.

Note: while I love being on a SUP, I want to clarify that I don't practice psychotherapy on one. 

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Ada Pang, MS, LMFT is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond counseling practice in WA. She has a vision to help people flourish and live vital lives. One thing she loves about SUP is the little waves she creates when she goes perpendicular to the current. It makes her feel like she's chartering a small boat.