Have you Forgotten your Happily Ever After?

Conscious coupling

I recently came back from my cousin's wedding. It was a gorgeous day, cloudy and 70's outside. Inside a beautiful gazebo, we witnessed the story of two people who met at work, started dating, and will continue to work together and go home together. Their vows spoke perfection: a promise to care and hold each other. The bride couldn't keep a dry eye. Outside, they topped it off with a popsicle vendor. I had a raspberry coconut. Amazing!

At the reception, it was Disney themed. Happily ever after. We sat at the Beauty and the Beast table and wrote in a card that they will read at their 10th year anniversary. I don't remember what I wrote but I meant every word of it.

Are you sure about this?

Cousin, I believe in a strong, happy marriage so keep working at it. Otherwise, I do tend to be skeptical at weddings as I question whether people really know what they're getting themselves into. Cuz picture this: at a certain time in your life, sometimes before your brain fully develops, you make a lifelong decision to commit to ONE other person. Does that sound crazy or what? And yet, people all around the world are sharing vows as I type this.

Why is it so hard?

When the adrenaline is gone, the toilet seat is up, and you realized you married your mom/dad, things are rough. Throw in the stress of raising kids, an uneven distribution of household chores, and conflict with in-laws and you have it made. What about disagreement in how you manage finances and the use of substances, food or gambling to cope with stress?

When have you ever seen Disney couples fight? All you see is the kiss that ends the tale. Is happily ever after even possible?

Be prepared to work hard

I want to say yes, but be prepared to work your butt off. Relationships are hard work. You're either building up your partner or you're tearing them down; drawing them close or pushing them away. As psychiatrist Robert Waldinger might add, “Relationships are messy, complicated, and the hard work of attending to family and friends are not sexy, but lifelong.” Happily ever after is in the daily grind of doing the small things that would create safety and security for your partner to come close and for them to do the same for you.

Are you ready?

Often times by the time couples come into my office, they've forgotten the vows said years ago. How I so want the DeLorean time machine from BTTF so I can witness their wedding, their longing for each other til death do them apart. And sometimes, I have the privilege of catching glimpses of that hope, the love once shared, but we have to dig through the mud to get there.

Patterns of relating take years to form but possibly only months to unravel and rebuild. Would it be worth it to devote an hour a week to deepen a connection that will last a lifetime? Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) has shown such results! Compared to a 35% success rate with other forms of couple therapy, 86% of couples "report feeling happier in their relationships" with EFT. 

If happily ever after is what you're striving for, give me a call!

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Ada Pang, MS, LMFT is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond counseling practice in WA. She loves helping distressed couples learn to connect in a safe and secure way. She enjoys the Seattle summers and last week, went SUPing with her husband on Lake WA. At one point he tied his ankle bracelet to her paddle board. Let's just say it was a bad idea. 

Want to Live Happier, Longer, Healthier? Here's how

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The Grant Study

Robert Waldinger, the 4th and current director of the Harvard study of adult development tracked the lives of a group of men for 75 years. The goal of the study was to identify the factors that predict healthy aging. The study compared Harvard graduates with a group of disadvantaged youths in Boston. They studied their medical records, which included blood work and brain scans. They also interviewed their children and captured on camera interactions with their spouses. What they learned was profound. Contrary to the belief that wealth, success, or fame will bring us happiness, “Good relationships keep us happier and healthier, period”.

Here are some lessons learned from Waldinger's study:

1. Social connections are vital to our health and well-being. Conversely, loneliness kills us. Men in the study who reported feeling lonely faced earlier declines in health and brain functioning.
2. It matters NOT the number of friends on FB or followers on Instagram and Pinterest; what's more important is the quality of our close relationships. High conflict relationships is a good predictor of poor health, whereas safe, secure relationships is a protective factor for our physical, and I would argue, mental and emotional health.
3. Good relationships keep the brain sharper and for longer. Being in a securely attached relationship at old age is a buffer against memory loss. While our relationships will not be smooth all the time, the ability to be able to count on the other can help us weather through the storms of life.

Here's Waldinger's study on Ted Talk: 

Old news

The thing is, there is nothing new under the sun. In 1988, sociologist James House studied a group of residents in MI and found that people who were social connected lived longer. With subsequent studies, House concluded that social isolation is as dangerous to our health as obesity and smoking.

In 2002, professor James Coyne noted that for men and women with congestive heart failure, a good marriage gives a person the will, “to fight their way back to health”. In fact, the quality of these patients' relationship was a good predictor for which patients will be alive four years later.

In 2006, Louise Hawkley and her colleagues published an article confirming that aging Americans who are lonely are at greater risk for increased blood pressure. And the list goes on.

Then and now

The sad thing is, Waldinger noted that at any given moment, 20% of Americans will report feeling lonely. That's no small number.

And my mind wanders to how we used to live in caves and were a part of a tribe. The men hunted and gathered and the women cleaned, cooked and cared for the kids. Imagine if one of the men woke up one day and said, “Hey buddies, not feelin' it. I think I'm just gonna stay in my cave...” It's either that he has to get up anyway because his buddies won't let him have it, or he and his family go hungry and their genes never made it.

The last I checked, the vast majority of Americans no longer live in communities. We're more mobile, moving half way across the country or across the world, away from our natural supports. We work more hours, sleep less and we are careful with the time that we do have. Who is worthy of our time? Often, that's reduced to our immediate family. And of the (fewer) relationships that we do have, we put more eggs in those baskets. Those relationships matter more to us because they are it.

In comes Emotionally Focused Therapy

Sue Johnson, the co-founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), argues that we often look to our partners to satisfy the emotional connection that people from generations ago got from a whole village. When we have such high expectations of our adult love relationships, so much is at stake.

In fact, Waldinger's findings would not surprise Johnson. She was the one who pointed to the wealth of research noted above. I have heard her argue for why James Bond would be a hot mess if he were to come into my therapy office because we are NOT meant to be unattached and self-sufficient. We are made for close, secure attachment with our significant other.

Waldinger acknowledged the "What": accounting for the presence of physical pain in men in their 80's, those in a satisfied relationship stayed happy. One of Johnson's friends, neuroscientist Jim Coan, explained the "Why": the perception of pain is curved by being in a supportive, happy relationship.

Going forward

My pledge to you is similar to that of Waldinger's: go seek out a friend and connect offline. Go mend a broken relationship. Be open to new friendships. Make small steps toward expanding your social connections.

If you long to be close and securely attached to your partner, I'm here!

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Ada Pang, MS, LMFT is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond counseling practice in WA. She's a Licensed and Marriage Therapist and she loves helping distressed couples learn to connect in a safe and secure way. When she's not meeting with clients, she loves working on her business and expanding her reach to help more hurting people. And when she's not working, she has been frequenting various farmers' market and feasting on summer fruits.

How to Talk to your Partner about your Problems and Why this Works

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How I talked to my partner

A few years ago, there was an incident that made me feel disconnected in my marriage to my husband. It bothered me enough that I brought it up the same day. At first, my husband's response made me feel like it was a joke. When I pressed further about how much it impacted me, he took it seriously and said that it wouldn't happen again. My husband is a good guy and I believed him. I still believe him, but there was something unsettling about how that conversation ended. 

How are you talking to your partner?

I bet you I'm not the only person to dread difficult conversations with my partner. Ever brought up a heavy topic and realized how hard it is to drudge through it? Or, it doesn't go well and you end up on a tangent about unresolved issues? Things get shoved under the rug, but never really resolved and the next time you argue, it's the same old, same old?

That's because these conversations are hard. It's easier to put a bandaid on it; only it's a temporary fix. You might have read about using “I statements,” balancing every 1 negative statement with 5 positive statements, or not attacking your partner. While these may be good communication skills to have, when you're emotionally charged, all those tools go out the window.

What to do instead

I remember as a kid carrying this card around that reads, “If you want to know how to keep an idiot busy for hours, turn this card over” and of course it says the same on the back. The thing is, when something doesn't work, you should really try doing differently.

Borrowing from the tradition of Emotionally Focused Therapy, here is what to do instead:

• speak to your emotions - “I'm angry that you made me look like a fool in front of our friends.”
• speak to how you perceived yourself - “That made me feel like I wasn't important in your eyes.”
• speak to how you perceived your partner - “I thought you did it on purpose.”
• speak to your deeper emotions about your relationship longing - “When that happened, I felt hurt and unloved.”
• speak to your relationship need - “What I really want is to know that I still mattered to you and that I can trust you to have my back like I have yours.”
• speak to what you need as a repair - “I can really use a hug right now.”

Now granted, this is meant to be a 2-way conversation and I've only given you one-side of the dialog. Considering that your partner is loving and supportive, hearing about your deeper needs would usually move them closer to you. And, if this sounds foreign, it is. But, this gets at the root of the matter, rather than staying focused on the content of what happened. Content changes, like hats, but at the core is whether two individuals feel like they're available, engaged and responsive to each others' needs.

Why this works

Emotionally Focused Therapy views adult love relationships from an attachment lens. Consider this Still Face Experiment video and how a baby reacts to a present, then distant mother:

(Please note there is a similar, longer video about babies' attachment to their fathers.)

Sue Johnson, the co-developer of EFT argues that intimate relationships mirror that of an infant-mother relationship. With almost three decades of research behind her, Sue notes that as adults:

• we desire to maintain closeness with our partner
• we need assurance from our partner when we're upset
• we feel distressed when we experience distance from or a loss of connection with our partner
• when we feel like our partner has our back, we feel more confident exploring the world
• when we feel secure in our relationship, we could reach out and connect easily
• if that secure bond with our partner is threatened, we get anxious, angry and controlling or we avoid contact altogether

All of these responses and patterns are mirrored in the above video. 

Can you see how unless you speak to the threatened bond between you and your partner, the argument will just play itself out in similar ways the next time?

What it looked like for me

So I went back to my husband a couple of years ago and told him how that particular issue continued to bother me. He was a little agitated at first and then surprised that it remained an unresolved issue. “I thought we've talked about this?!” He again reassured me that it wouldn't happen again and that I could trust him and him me. For reasons I couldn't pinpoint at first, his response was still dissatisfying.

Two months ago, I went back to him, yet again after an intensive EFT training. That conversation was heart-palpitating, armpit-sweating, and tears-flowing and I wanted to talk about everything else but that. But trust me, it was well worth it. I told my husband that this incident three years ago continued to bother me because I felt disconnected and hurt and that it threatened our relationship. I told him that I do trust him but I also needed to know that he loved me.

Husband was agitated, but softened up when he heard that I felt hurt. He's in disbelief that I wouldn't bring this up again a 4th time, but reassured me that he loved me and apologized that his actions hurt me.

I can understand why my husband would be in disbelief, but what he didn't see was a healing that happened with that repair. I felt lighter and closer to him. No further conversation is needed because that sense of safety and security is restored and deepened. What's more, when we feel safe and secure in our relationship, we can be vulnerable to share our deepest fears and longings. That same evening, my husband turned around and shared situations where he felt left out and I've since been mindful of how to better include him. Vulnerability begets vulnerability and it brings us closer together.

Need help?

That sense of connection, safety and closeness is not built overnight. It takes two people who want it and are willing to work on it. See me as a coach. I'm here when you're ready.

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Ada Pang, MS, LMFT is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond counseling practice in WA. She loves helping committed couples who have grown apart find each other again. She's recognizing that during difficult conversations with her husband, she'd rather talk about the pretty skies or the crawling spider than the issue at hand. Yet, she's learning to stick with it. Seeing the fruits of that, she'd want to help you do the same. 

What Happens to the Human Brain when Touch is Provided?

The hand holding mystery

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I recently came back from a 4-day conference and had the privilege of hearing from neuroscientist Jim Coan. He had the question, “Why do people hold hands?” and the only way to find out was to feed people through a MRI machine, so he says.

He had a group of happy couples come in. He fed the female partner inside a MRI machine and showed them either a red X or a blue O. When the red X flashes, it signals a 20% chance of a mild electric shock on the ankle. When a blue O appears, it means no electric shock.

Coan measured 3 conditions: the woman being alone, holding the hands of a stranger, or holding the hand of her partner. Can you guess what happened?

When under the threat of an electric shock by themselves, the brain got really busy. When holding the hand of a stranger, the same regions of the brain were less active. Finally, when holding the hand of a significant other, there was a reported decrease in vigilance and physiological arousal. The pre-frontal cortex, partly responsible for regulating emotions, was less active, because the partner's touch helped to regulate and reassure. Moreover, there was also less activity in the area of the brain responsible for dumping stress hormones into the bloodstream.

Similar results were found in larger, more diverse populations, and between not just partners, but also friends. There was an overall decreased activity in the region of the brain sensing pain. Somehow, pain or emotions about the pain were attenuated with handholding.

Here's Coan's study on Ted Talk:

Bringing it home

In my last blog post why friends matter, I talked about how the presence of my best friend, aka husband helped mitigate perceived stress. Let me give you a different example with a near stranger.

Last year, I had to go into a medical procedure which had me feeling very scared. It was unplanned, so my husband couldn't be there. The nurse Joanne walked me through what to expect. While I still sensed the anxiety and pain before, during and after the procedure, something was very memorable: she had put her hand on my shoulder the whole time. There was something comforting about the touch of another, the pressure that I felt, the knowing that I wasn't alone. Squeeze me into a MRI machine and I can only imagine her touch was soothing to my busy brain.

What does this mean for you?

If you are in an unhappy relationship and you yearn for your partner's hand to hold and comfort you, there is hope. Sue Johnson, the pioneer of Emotionally Focused Therapy teamed up with Coan to do a study with a group of distressed couples. Prior to 20 weeks of EFT, there was NO difference in these women's brain activity whether alone or holding the hand of their partner. Post treatment, their brains looked a lot like that of happy couples: their partner's presence was soothing and created a buffer against the threat of a shock. EFT helped these marriages create a sense of safety and closeness, and Johnson would say such security is a protective factor against life's challenges.

I practice this type of therapy and I can help you! Give me a call!

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Ada Pang, MS, LMFT is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond counseling practice in WA. She loves helping couples reconnect in their relationships. Her most memorable moments with her husband are not at their wedding or during their travels; rather, it's when they're on the couch, talking about anything and everything. 

Why Friends Matter – Sharing Burdens and Resources

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My friend story

I remember getting out of a grueling two-day training and earlier in the day, had dragged myself to Greenlake for lunch, backpack and all. It was a beautiful day and I was pooped out. Usually, when I'm tired, I don't think straight, and I had bought a large vegan pizza to eat all by myself. I only managed two slices and carried this ridiculously large pizza box with me the rest of the day.

With eager anticipation, my best friend met me afterwards and we'd decided to have a pizza picnic at the same lake. Somehow, walking together down the same busy road made the trek seemed shorter. My backpack, weighing just as much, also felt lighter.

Now, one could argue I was distracted by our conversation, or felt relieved with the training ending, hence the perception change. Those things could all be true. However, what does research tell us about the company of a significant other and what that does to our perception of a situational stress? In other words, is it possible for us to perceive the world as having more demands when we're alone, compared to when we're with a partner? 

The hill is not that steep, or is it? 

According to a 2008 study by Schanll and colleagues, they had people stand in front of a hill and estimate how steep it was. What they've found is that there's a tendency for people to over-estimate how steep the hill was. It's like their bodies were trying to talk them out of walking up that hill, “Don't do it! Conserve your energy! It's too steep!” The same hill grew even steeper when they carried a backpack weighing 20% of their body weight.

The interesting finding is that for participants who went to the study alone, they estimated the hill to be more steep compared to those accompanied by a friend. In fact, even the thought of a friend was enough to level the hill some. And, the longer the friendship, the less steep the hill. How do you make sense of that?

Friends lend you resources

We all have limited resources and we often calculate that against our demands. Stand me in front of a steep hill and I'm calculating how much resources my body has to walk up that hill. Could it be that my physiological resources are enhanced when there is a friend with me, especially someone I have come to know and trust? Somehow, the burden of drudging up that hill is lightened with the presence of another, or even just the thought of that other. 

Thumbs up for friends

Never mind that my best friend in this case is my husband. He is very awesome. I will say that him being there didn't change my perception of the fake cheese pizza: it tasted pretty gross. Well, there is someone to share it with.

Who have you got to stand beside you? Want to better your relationships to help you face the challenges of life? Let me know!

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Ada Pang, MS, LMFT is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond counseling practice in WA. She loves helping individuals and couples flourish and grow through difficult life transitions. When she's not yogaing, she's outside with her husband, climbing not-so-steep hills. 

Holding Orlando in my Body

Shortly after writing and beginning to process the two tragedies in Orlando, a 3rd happen. I cannot imagine what it's like to have been there, to be the family, to be witness to such loss, to hope that it wasn't the case, to wish it away every time I think about it.

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There is a tendency for me to enter into the experience of another and to carry this tension, this stress in my body. For days, I went around, trying to keep going, ignoring the signs that it's not possible. My neck and shoulders were sensitive to touch; I couldn't carry my usual backpack without having to put it down at every opportunity. My body was telling me I wasn't well. I didn't want to listen, until I could no longer ignore it.

I have a 4-day conference to attend and my backpack will be my constant companion. I finally made time for some mindful yoga, of slowing down to care for my body, to pay attention to it and let it know it is important. My body responded in kind.

I don't mean to undermine the magnitude of all that have happened in Orlando by talking about yoga as a solution. I do invite you to care for you, to listen to what you might need. Given all this, what would be helpful right now? What would still keep you close to the things and people that matter to you?

My body is crying writing this and it begs for another slowing down, another stretch. Just know that I'm here if you need anything.

Orlando Tragedies – How do I Respond? How can you Respond?

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I love The Voice and I have an off and on crush on the winner of season 6, Josh Kaufman. As a result of listening to his music, I would come across the amazing voice of Christina Grimmie, who came in 3rd that season. I share the shock and grief of many fans around the world when I learned about her death over the weekend. I couldn't wrap my head around this reality and would go through moments in my day, thinking that it's surreal. Such a beautiful life, taken from us.

Before grief even had time to sink in, I, along with the rest of the world, experienced more losses in the worst mass shooting in US history. These 49 victims have names, faces, and ties to loved ones. They had aspirations, were wonderful students, and held jobs that served the communities in many ways. My heart is broken and my body is heavy. Those injured are still grappling with their own mortality.

How do I respond to NOT one, but two Orlando tragedies?

I can tell you I want to hide.

I want to withdraw from others.

I'm in shock and disbelief.

I feel cynical about the state of our world.

I want to give up.

I think the world is unsafe.

I feel like a news junkie, which is very unlike me.

I want to protect my loved ones.

I think about the last time I've lost a loved one and how difficult that was.

Those were my knee-jerk reactions. I let myself stay there for two days and tonight, I got online to write this post. I talked about it with my hairstylist, my sister, my parents. I gave my husband a long hug when he came home from work and I'm keeping abreast with what's going on without over-indulging.

What about you?

I want you, the reader, to know that your thoughts, feelings, urges to withdraw, desire to connect are very real. I'm with you. I also want you to know that prolonged viewing of these traumatic media coverage will lead to more stress reactions, as shown by UC Irvine researchers when studying media exposure to the Boston Marathon bombings.

Please, limit your media exposure to these Orlando tragedies. Know enough to know what has happened, but don't follow every post and definitely not the playing and replaying of related videos and audios. Turn off the TV, the radio, the computer, the phone. Connect on social media around your grief, but meet face-to-face. Go to a vigil; host your own mini one. Take a break from talking about these events and just be with the other. We are not meant to go through such atrocities alone.

And, let me know if you need help processing all this or if it's awakening past trauma. I'm still here. 

Why James Bond would Make a Terrible Lover and why Moneypenny should Really Rest her Case

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Ah, James Bond. Who doesn't love James? Since marrying my husband and his DVD collection, I've watched all the 007's. Suave, charming, sexy, smart, dressed to the tee, always on these James-will-never-die conquests to save the world. Unattached and emotionally constipated, he always manages to capture the hearts of gorgeous women and take them to bed.

According to the co-developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy, there's a reason why these beautiful women would only want to make love to him once, at most twice, and that's it. Sue Johnson describes what determines success in couple relationships is this sense of love, connection and closeness. Two people are available, responsive to each other and have each other's back. James, on the other hand, “will always be James,” leaving his love interests waiting, longing, and lonely as hell.

It is for these reasons Moneypenny should really take her infatuation elsewhere. Her yearning will be tickled at most, but never satisfied. It's a temporary illusion that James would ever want her, as he's always one mission away from desiring someone else.

Need help staying close and connected in your intimate relationship? Shoot me an email!

You've Got Cancer? What shouldn't I do?

Wanna make someone feel worse when they've cancer? Here's how:

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1. Talk even when you don't know what to say - Years ago when my friend's wife was diagnosed with leukemia, his buddy didn't know what to say, so he said this: “Man, at least you get to marry another woman...”

2. Begin your sentences with “At least” - If you want to minimize one's experience with cancer (or anything for that matter) and remind them how much better they have it compared to people in Syria, the words, “at least” is the way to go.

3. Tell them you understand when you really don't - A patient has taught me I can only guess or imagine what it's like to be in their shoes; to say that I understand when I've never been can be a real put off.

4. Share about your aunt's cancer story, and your grandma's... - Not to say there isn't a time and place to share cancer experiences, but just because you have a story to tell does not mean the one with the cancer wants to hear it. It helps to ask first.

5. Expect that things are back to normal post-treatment – Meal delivery is over, hair is growing back, party pics made it on FB, life's back to normal, right? Cancer brings a new normal. While it might not be your job to constantly remind the other of their cancer, just know that this is only the beginning of the journey.

Here's an earlier post on what to do instead. 

And if you need help navigating through all this, give me a call!

You've Got Cancer? What can I Do?

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Ever wonder how to approach a friend, a loved one when they are first diagnosed with cancer and going through treatment? Here's my first post on what to do. What not to do will come later...

1. Do nothing – Gotcha! Sometimes there isn't anything to do but to simply be with that person.

2. Validate – Let them know that it must be very hard for them... You can't imagine... This really sucks!

3. Offer company – Sometimes in our not knowing what to do, we disappear. Offer your presence, hear them out, hang out.

4. Talk about something else – Cancer can be all consuming. While it might be important to give cancer its spotlight, let's also move onto something else.

5. Offer help – What can you do? What can be helpful? Want a ride to an appointment? Oil change? Go to a ball game? 

6. Set up long-term help – It's hard to ask for ongoing help, let alone when you're emotionally overloaded. Assuming you know your friend, you can set up meal delivery, house cleaning, and baby sitting, email treatment updates, etc. 

7. Bring comfort - Cancer treatment is unnerving for the human body, in more ways than one. Find out what will bring comfort to your loved one and do it! Is it a particular type of food for the foodie, flowers for the visually stimulated, or a card for the, um, card person?! 

8. Use humor - Break up the monotony! A friend recently told me this was the funniest thing she had said to her while going through treatment: “Well, you're the healthiest looking sick person I've ever seen!” Sure, be sensitive, but know that cancer patients need to laugh too.

9. Touch - Cancer can make your loved one feel like their body is damaged. Don't be afraid to offer touch. 

Help need walking your loved one through cancer? I'm here!