Photo by Hutomo Abrianto on Unsplash
Managing relationships is hard. It’s even harder during COVID-19. While we are quarantined, we spend more time together than ever... but for many people this proximity does not lead to connection. What gives? In my own relationship, I experience this dichotomy. As I reflect on the past few weeks, it has brought me to a better understanding of my relationship, what I want from my marriage, and how to show up in a way that delivers on what I desire.
My husband is not a mind reader!
Why is it that when my husband is working round the clock and I am feeling neglected, ignored, and missing him that I greet him with a cold, distant, grumpy shoulder? Instead of a warm embrace when he finally does get home from his new COVID-19 induced car office, I signal a very different message than the one I want to send. My feelings are hurt and I want to protect myself by distancing, avoiding, and offering up some choice passive-aggressive comments. A real joy, as you can imagine!
My husband has many talents, but mind reading is not one of them!
Protective actions – the great cover up
It’s not our feelings that are the problem, it is often the protective behaviors that result from our feelings that really mess us up in relationships. In my case, my intention is to reconnect with him, but instead, my behavior shows the opposite. When we communicate in this indirect way (to put it gently), our partners can only make assumptions about what is going on for us and how we are feeling based on our behaviors. Then they will react to our reaction and we are off to the races! As a result, we end up getting in our cycle as we call it in Emotionally Focused Therapy. Our cycle is basically our pattern of communication when we fight that leaves us both feeling stuck and disconnected.
This cycle can set the tone for the rest of the evening, or worse, the next few days.
Why it’s hard to communicate our heartfelt feelings
There are a myriad of reasons why it’s hard to say things as they really are. Sometimes a lot of emotions are wrapped up in it. The timing might not be great. Both of you have had a long day. After all these years, you just want them to have figured it out by now, which goes back to the mind reading.
If I have to distill down the key elements that get in the way of us communicating what’s really going on, here they are:
Lack of awareness
Oftentimes we don’t really even know how we are feeling and what we are needing in our relationships. It’s so much easier to focus on our partner’s behavior and point the finger at them than it is to look inward and really pay attention to our own feelings and needs. But then we get stuck in the anger, resentment, anxiety, depression...etc. We often don’t know how to get past that.
We develop our sense of self and other at a very young age and then develop strategies for dealing with these beliefs. James Hollis, a Jungian Analyst, calls these anxiety management strategies. These beliefs of self and other and our strategies for managing them are often out of our awareness. Unless we become more aware of our own anxiety management strategies, we can become a prisoner to our behaviors.
Strategies that no longer work
These tactics for managing our needs and getting through life were developed for a good reason. They helped us get through hard times and protected us in a world when we had little power growing up. These strategies served a purpose. They only become a problem if they start to interfere with how we go about life now. We know we’ve outgrown these anxiety management strategies when we default to them and they cause us relationship distress, loneliness, anxiety, and depression. They can be self-defeating and unintentionally damaging to our most important relationships.
How we were taught
The way we have been socialized from a young age can also interfere with our ability to communicate our feelings as well as our needs. To put simply, in a culture that values achievement, many men have learned that their value comes from solving and fixing. They often enter into a conversation with their sleeves rolled up and ready to tackle the problem! Don’t get me wrong, these are the best of intentions! It’s just not always what their partner might be looking for. It can be confusing for a man when his partner says, “I want you to be with me, not do for me.”
Women, on the other hand, are often socialized to be caretakers whose greatest value is to care for other people. Sometimes, we get the message that the needs of others are more important than our own needs. As a result, we grow up learning to deny our own needs in service to this caretaking ideal. We can feel so bad about having needs that we talk ourselves out of asking for what is important to us. When our needs are not met, the frustration that results seeps out in indirect ways. Again, it would be so much easier if our spouses could read our minds!
Then of course, women can also be socialized to fix and problem solve and men to caretake.
Vulnerability is scary and hard work
Another reason we tend to shy away from honest communication is that it can be really scary to put ourselves out there. If you share with your partner your deepest fears and needs, will they be there for you? If you let them see you for who you really are, will they still love you, stay with you, care for you? Will they take you seriously? Or will you be too much for them?
In the face of uncertainty and possible rejection, it’s safer and easier to give them the cold shoulder.
A fuzzy signal
When we use protective actions and words to convey our feelings instead of speaking up directly from our hearts, our signal gets a little fuzzy… and it is difficult for our partners to understand what we are really asking for and needing. We end up implying something, sometimes the opposite of what we want or need, and we get frustrated when our partner gets it wrong. That’s a no win situation.
Someone once put it this way, “My partner was communicating with a radio frequency I wasn’t tuned into. I just heard the static.”
How I overcame
In my own case, I initially had little awareness of how I was really feeling and what I needed from my husband. Without that awareness, I couldn’t find the words to express myself. I expected my husband to know what I needed and tend to those needs, even though I didn’t know them myself. That’s a tall order!
It took all of dinner for me to realize that I miss this man and that I want to hear that he misses me too. When he spends long days at his new car office, it doesn’t mean that he prefers that over being home with me, with us. When I finally told him what was really going on, we talked about it and gave each other the hug we both needed. We got out of our cycle and we were no longer carrying the weight of our disconnection, alone.
How you can overcome
When you find yourself in your cycle with our partner, what can you do about it? The first thing is to look inward. Slow down and notice what is happening in your body to get a better understanding of how you are feeling. Pay attention to what you are saying to yourself. Finally, notice what you tend to do. When you have made some sense of your emotions and protective behaviors, can you try to communicate those feelings and needs to your partner?
Understanding ourselves to understand our relationships
It’s only when we can turn the mirror to ourselves and dig deep into understanding what we need, what we fear and how we protect ourselves from those fears can we fully show up in our relationships. When we show up for ourselves, we can show up for the very important people in our lives.
If you need guidance learning how to show up in these ways, I know how to help you. I can walk you through these steps and help you be more successful in your relationship, but also in your work, family and other social interactions.
Kristin O’Hara is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps couples find love and connection in their relationship. She also helps individuals struggling with depression, anxiety and midlife transitions. The hardest thing about the quarantine is helping her kids adjust to schooling from home. Their family sometimes drives far (no traffic!) for a pizza takeout. This usually becomes the most exciting outing for the week, or month.
