Holding Orlando in my Body

Shortly after writing and beginning to process the two tragedies in Orlando, a 3rd happen. I cannot imagine what it's like to have been there, to be the family, to be witness to such loss, to hope that it wasn't the case, to wish it away every time I think about it.

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There is a tendency for me to enter into the experience of another and to carry this tension, this stress in my body. For days, I went around, trying to keep going, ignoring the signs that it's not possible. My neck and shoulders were sensitive to touch; I couldn't carry my usual backpack without having to put it down at every opportunity. My body was telling me I wasn't well. I didn't want to listen, until I could no longer ignore it.

I have a 4-day conference to attend and my backpack will be my constant companion. I finally made time for some mindful yoga, of slowing down to care for my body, to pay attention to it and let it know it is important. My body responded in kind.

I don't mean to undermine the magnitude of all that have happened in Orlando by talking about yoga as a solution. I do invite you to care for you, to listen to what you might need. Given all this, what would be helpful right now? What would still keep you close to the things and people that matter to you?

My body is crying writing this and it begs for another slowing down, another stretch. Just know that I'm here if you need anything.

Trying to Please Everyone? Kiss your Ass Goodbye

A Parable by Aesop

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An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked: “What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.” They then decided they both would walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The thing is, if you try to please everyone, you might as well… Kiss your ass goodbye.

Need help staying true to yourself? Give me a call!

Top Deathbed Regrets. Why Wait?

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Chronic Worrier, Anybody?

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No doubt, we all worry. What is that person going to think of me? Am I going to make this work deadline? What if it rains tomorrow and we need to take the party inside? When there's an actual threat of something going awry, worrying can be helpful because it motivates us into planning ahead and changing the things we can.

However, often times, worrying stems from a perception or a fear of things going wrong. It then becomes unhelpful when we're worrying for the sake of worrying, or when we think that worrying can somehow help us cope with life's problems. We get caught up in this endless loop.

Here are some ways to interrupt the cycle of chronic worrying:

1. Identify your triggers – what gets you worrying in the first place? Then what thoughts and feelings did you have next? If you don't recognize the cycle, you can't stop it.

2. Ask yourself, “Is there a problem to be solved?” – if you legitimately need to work a few extra hours to meet the deadline or come up with a plan B for the party, do it! If not, notice that your mind is playing the “worry tape” again.

3. Drop the struggle - “Don't worry, be happy!” If this had worked, we wouldn't have 40 million people in the US struggling with some form of anxiety. Intentionally trying to stop thinking about something only makes you think about it more. Try it now. Don't think about a white polar bear. What happens? You think about a white polar bear. It's not about fighting with your thoughts, but letting them come and go.

4. Notice your thoughts – is your mind feeding you worries that are “what if's,” unhelpful patterns that you can do little about? If so, acknowledge those thoughts again and again, but choose to not engage further. One way to do so, according to the tradition of Acceptance Commitment Therapy, is to say, “Thanks mind!” This may sound weird at first, but try it! You're re-training your mind and flexing that muscle differently, with time.

5. Stay in the present – worrying takes you into the future that has not yet happened and that likely won't happen the way you envision it. Thus, when you find your mind drifting to the worries of the unknown future, bring your mind back to the here and now, over and over again. Come back to this moment, the only moment you have to live in and can do something about.

6. Accept the unknown – you want things to happen a certain way: to arrive home accident-free, for the cake to not topple over, to win the project bid... Who doesn't? Yet, there are so many things you have little control over. Acknowledge that you are limited, still make plans, but hold them loosely. 

Here's an earlier post on what to do with runaway thoughts. 

Need more? Give me a call!

The Guest House

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This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

- Rumi
 

Coming Through

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Sometimes, it Takes a While

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Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

Chapter I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out. 

Chapter II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in this same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out. 

Chapter III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall in... it's a habit... but,
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately. 

 Chapter IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it. 

Chapter V

I walk down another street.

- Portia Nelson 

Reining in my Runaway Thoughts

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What do I do with the 60,000 thoughts I have in a day?

Thoughts are poppin' up faster than I have time to type them. What am I having for lunch? Am I hungry? What's going on tomorrow? Where would I squeeze that in? What's the weather like outside? The job of the mind is the generate thoughts and I have A LOT of them! If I follow these string of words everywhere they lead me, I'd be all over the place!

As a psychotherapist with a developing mindfulness practice, I am continuously wrestling with the need to come back to the here and now, because my mind is everywhere but here.

Here are some habits I've picked up along the way to help bring me back to now... I'd touch and sniff most flowers that happen upon my path, or listen in on the crinkling sound of a leaf against my shoe. I'd be curious about the aroma of yummy goodness coming out of a Thai restaurant. I'd come back to noticing my breath, which I thankfully carry around unconsciously, all the time. I'd take a moment to observe what's happening outside of me and how that's affecting what's happening inside of me, and vice versa. All the while, I'd take note of my mind drifting off and invite my mind to come back to this moment that I don't want to miss. 

How do you come back to the present? I'd love to hear!

Sometimes, it's about Waiting it Out

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Keep Going

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