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Break Up Haircut
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A break up, whether planned or a shock, cordial or full of conflict, is a significant event. It's not uncommon for men and women to make radical changes following a heartbreak. For some women, they cut their hair. Why?
Here are my speculations:
1) Stereotypically, men like women with long hair. If there's a desire to dissociate yourself from your ex and his preferences, chopping off your hair will make the statement, both to him and yourself.
2) Perhaps you've always wanted a new look but it wasn't preferred by your partner. Now you get to make the decision for yourself.
3) Look at yourself in the mirror. Short of changing out your wardrobe, your hair is an easy thing you can doing something about. A new hairstyle is not going to solve all of your problems, but it does give you some very visible control over your circumstances.
4) I'm often amazed at how fast my hair grows without me realizing. While that's not always the case for everyone, seeing new growth is also a reminder of the life possible after a break-up. Your hair will grow back, so your heart will also mend. If you keep the same style, growth is less noticeable.
If a new look is not enough to help you move on, let me know!
Bringing (Another) Baby Home
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I was recently asked to comment on how to prepare your child for the arrival of another sib. If it's true that nothing changes the lifestyle of a couple more than the addition of a first baby, then the birth of a sibling must be just as radical for the once-upon-a-time only child. You hear stories of jealousy and parents feeling guilty about not being able to spend as much time with the older child. Know that those moments will naturally happen, and there are also things you can do to make the transition smoother.
- Keep them in the know: using language that your child would understand, let them know that mommy is prego and the family is expecting another wonderful kiddo!
- The 9-month period is a process: in the same way you'd go for your ultrasound, go through body changes, and perhaps experience morning sickness, cravings, etc, let your child know that you went through similar and/or different things when pregnant the first time. Talk about your first pregnancy and what that was like.
- Use other families as examples: talk about uncle Billy or family friend Susie and how there are x number of kids in the home and that makes them siblings.
- Refer to books: there are a ton of helpful books for children about bringing a baby home. Examples include Babies Don't Eat Pizza, I am a Big Brother, I am a Big Sister, I'm a Big Brother, My New Baby, and the classic The Berenstain Bears' New Baby.
- Talk about feelings: what is it like for your child to think about having another sibling? Use different mediums to express those feelings, be it drawing, storytelling, acting, etc. Validate all feelings, especially the ones that are hard. Share your own feelings about growing the family.
- Increase involvement: how would your child like to help decorate the baby's room? What is one or more toy(s) your child would like to put in there? Come feel the baby moving inside mommy's tummy!
- Anticipate challenges: explain that parents will be busy, sleep deprived and probably crankier, grandma will be over more, and your child won't get as much time with parents, etc. Nonetheless, it doesn't change how much your child is loved.
- Propose a tentative new routine: bedtime story might be with different adults, 1:1 time to spend with your child might vary depending on the day, etc. Talk about the non-negotiables: your child will still get fed, need to brush their teeth, go to bed...
- Go over coping skills: in non-urgent situations, and your child wants the attention of pre-occupied adults, what to do instead, for a moment? Color, build Legos, draw, play house...
Enjoy the journey, knowing that the chaos will only be for a while, until you establish a new normal...
Need more support? I love helping people through life transitions! Contact me!
Are you Practicing Emotional Hygiene?
My friend showed me this Ted Talk on how we tend to neglect our psychological health. Check it out:
Sometimes, it Takes a While
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Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
Chapter I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in this same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall in... it's a habit... but,
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
Chapter IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter V
I walk down another street.
- Portia Nelson
Reining in my Runaway Thoughts
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What do I do with the 60,000 thoughts I have in a day?
Thoughts are poppin' up faster than I have time to type them. What am I having for lunch? Am I hungry? What's going on tomorrow? Where would I squeeze that in? What's the weather like outside? The job of the mind is the generate thoughts and I have A LOT of them! If I follow these string of words everywhere they lead me, I'd be all over the place!
As a psychotherapist with a developing mindfulness practice, I am continuously wrestling with the need to come back to the here and now, because my mind is everywhere but here.
Here are some habits I've picked up along the way to help bring me back to now... I'd touch and sniff most flowers that happen upon my path, or listen in on the crinkling sound of a leaf against my shoe. I'd be curious about the aroma of yummy goodness coming out of a Thai restaurant. I'd come back to noticing my breath, which I thankfully carry around unconsciously, all the time. I'd take a moment to observe what's happening outside of me and how that's affecting what's happening inside of me, and vice versa. All the while, I'd take note of my mind drifting off and invite my mind to come back to this moment that I don't want to miss.
How do you come back to the present? I'd love to hear!
Sometimes, it's about Waiting it Out
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Been to Blamers Anonymous Lately?
So, I guess I'm on a Brené Brown kick here...
Ah... Wanna sandwich?
So, this video has probably been posted numerous times. My friend reminded me of it yesterday. Watch it one more time. It'll be worth it:
Keep Going
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