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Ada Pang, MS, LMFT is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond counseling practice in WA. She loves to help people find the path towards their own journeys. A little lost? Give her a call! (Please note she's directionally challenged in real life and this call for help only applies to therapy.)
I'm out and about, living my life and I see stories that tie into how I practice counseling. Here is an example of such.
I first tried SUP in O'ahu. I took a lesson with my husband, mother-in-law, and brother-in-law and we were in very calm waters inside a canal. I was the only one who didn't fall in. I used to be proud of that, except when I look back, I knew it was because I was the only non-swimmer and was tensed the whole time. I really didn't enjoy the lesson as much as everyone else. They were laughing and splashing around and I was, just scared.
Is it possible that falling into the water is a part of the SUP experience?
Now a few years later, I've grown less afraid of water and have been out on many more SUP adventures. I've decided that falling in is inevitable: a friend can threaten to tackle me, I can collide into my husband, the currents might be too strong... When I fall in, it is an opportunity for me to work on my chicken, airplane, solider stroke. And while there really isn't a graceful way to fall, it is still preferred to fall directly into the water rather than to hit the board first.
It's not always calm like the canal. Boats and jet skis pass by, it's breezy, or the water is just choppy. I've learned that if we waited until it's calm, we might never head out.
It's tempting to sit down when the waves come. Sometimes I sit too long before I get back up. And I've tried avoiding the waves, only to have them catch up with me. It seems counter-intuitive, but the most effective way to go through the waves is to face them head on. When I point the nose of my board perpendicular to the waves, while I still feel the motion, I'm actually more stable.
Now I'm not saying there isn't a time and a place to sit and ride out the waves, or even take a break ashore. My husband and I were in Maui and the white caps barely missed us. It wasn't wise to stay out, especially not with a sea-sick husband. But, it's important that that experience did not keep us in the rest of our trip.
So, what's all the rave about SUP? Why bother? SUP takes us places we couldn't otherwise go. Today, we started out at Madison Park and explored the Arboretum. It was a gorgeous day in Seattle. We got to watch the clouds change patterns, feel the warmth of the sun on our backs, say hello to kayakers and canoers, and explore beneath the 520-bridge. The waters gave a beautiful reflection of the sky and the motion of swaying side-to-side soothed and comforted us.
What parallels am I drawing here? There are times when life is calm. Enjoy those moments. And when it gets rough, know that's also a part of being alive. Falling is inevitable, and getting back up can take a while. After getting back up, it's tempting to stay put so you don't fall again. But when you're sitting down, it's also hard to go very far.
What if feeling the currents of life and feeling off balance at times is a part of living? There's no way around that. And when you try to run away from problems you need to face, they will catch up with you. Like in my previous blog post quoting Robert Frost, it helps to keep going.
That begs the questions, “Where are you heading? What do you want life to be about? Have you let the current of life swept you in another direction? Or, are you distracted by where others are going? Can you pause to orient yourself to where you want to go and keep heading in that direction, even though you can't see very far?”
Focus on what's near you. You can make immediate choices and overcome challenges that will get you closer to where you want to go. Then, remember to zoom out and look ahead. Don't lose sight of where you're heading. You can always change direction based on what you value and the goals you set.
Sure, have your me-time, but know that life is not meant to be journeyed alone. It helps to have someone share with you the joys and the trials. This could be a partner, and it could also be family and friends. In a recent blog post, I talked about why relationships are important.
What about my counseling practice? How does this apply? I believe you want your life to matter for something. I want to help you get there, one moment at a time. Try swiping your paddle in the water this way, what happens? If you went back to the gym only 1x/week, what would happen? What if you reached lower with your paddle, how does that affect your speed? If you were to practice this defusion exercise I give you, would you let me know how that worked for you?
Ultimately, you don't HAVE to do anything I ask you to do. After all, I want your life to be about wanting to, rather than having to. However, I'm guessing you want your life to be different, and I would want that for you too. Would you join me in braving the waves, the falling in, while learning ways to face your problems as you live a value-driven life? I'm ready when you are.
Note: while I love being on a SUP, I want to clarify that I don't practice psychotherapy on one.
Ada Pang, MS, LMFT is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond counseling practice in WA. She has a vision to help people flourish and live vital lives. One thing she loves about SUP is the little waves she creates when she goes perpendicular to the current. It makes her feel like she's chartering a small boat.
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I passed gas in yoga. Multiple times. Usually I'm able to hold it in. But, when I'm encouraged to twist into and hold my body in positions for an extended period of time, well, it becomes much harder to keep it in. Or, I'm just totally relaxed and uninhibited: I didn't even know I had gas until after the fact.
So I went on to see whether there are any health detriments to keeping gas in. According to the New Zealand Medical Journal that looked especially at frequent flatulence while riding on planes, holding back can cause multiple health problems, including bloating, indigestion, heartburn, and in some cases, even pain. Wow, a habit of keeping it in isn't good for you, is it?
When I think about the practice of yoga, I think of staying in the moment and being present to whatever shows up. I'm reminded to be non-judgmental and to develop compassion for my mind, body and soul and whatever they might need in the moment. I'm encouraged to be in tune with my body and be curious about what it can do and would want to do, while stretching it to a place of discomfort, but never strain.
So which one is it? Do I "stretch" my body and keep gas in, all the while be stressed about it? Or do I compassionately release it in service to my body, though not so much to my neighbors?
Now I don't mean holding gas, but rather, recognizing that it's both important to let your body feel the relief AND be kind to your yoga community. How do you do that? When you pass gas in yoga, remind yourself that it's a human condition and keeping moving. This may sound strange, but acknowledge that your body has that need and your body is naturally wanting to let it go because it's not good to hold it in.
And as a courtesy to your neighbors, stay away from beans, cruciferous vegetables, and the alike before class. One time I had homemade broccoli soup before yoga. Bad idea. I've also learned to eat a small meal and at least an hour before class. My body has taught me if it doesn't come out as gas, it'll find another way out.
To pass gas is to be human. Doing so is letting your neighbors know that it is okay for them to also let it go. I remember one time when I heard a loud phhhhhhrt from across the yoga studio. It took everything in me to not approach the nice gentleman after class and say, “You farted? Me too!”
Other than gas, are there things you need help letting go? I'm here!
Ada Pang, MS, LMFT is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond counseling practice in WA. She loves helping people live compassionate and fulfilled lives. She enjoys yin, slow flow and power vinyasa yoga and her favorite pose is still Shavasana.
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I recently came back from a 4-day conference and had the privilege of hearing from neuroscientist Jim Coan. He had the question, “Why do people hold hands?” and the only way to find out was to feed people through a MRI machine, so he says.
He had a group of happy couples come in. He fed the female partner inside a MRI machine and showed them either a red X or a blue O. When the red X flashes, it signals a 20% chance of a mild electric shock on the ankle. When a blue O appears, it means no electric shock.
Coan measured 3 conditions: the woman being alone, holding the hands of a stranger, or holding the hand of her partner. Can you guess what happened?
When under the threat of an electric shock by themselves, the brain got really busy. When holding the hand of a stranger, the same regions of the brain were less active. Finally, when holding the hand of a significant other, there was a reported decrease in vigilance and physiological arousal. The pre-frontal cortex, partly responsible for regulating emotions, was less active, because the partner's touch helped to regulate and reassure. Moreover, there was also less activity in the area of the brain responsible for dumping stress hormones into the bloodstream.
Similar results were found in larger, more diverse populations, and between not just partners, but also friends. There was an overall decreased activity in the region of the brain sensing pain. Somehow, pain or emotions about the pain were attenuated with handholding.
Here's Coan's study on Ted Talk:
In my last blog post why friends matter, I talked about how the presence of my best friend, aka husband helped mitigate perceived stress. Let me give you a different example with a near stranger.
Last year, I had to go into a medical procedure which had me feeling very scared. It was unplanned, so my husband couldn't be there. The nurse Joanne walked me through what to expect. While I still sensed the anxiety and pain before, during and after the procedure, something was very memorable: she had put her hand on my shoulder the whole time. There was something comforting about the touch of another, the pressure that I felt, the knowing that I wasn't alone. Squeeze me into a MRI machine and I can only imagine her touch was soothing to my busy brain.
If you are in an unhappy relationship and you yearn for your partner's hand to hold and comfort you, there is hope. Sue Johnson, the pioneer of Emotionally Focused Therapy teamed up with Coan to do a study with a group of distressed couples. Prior to 20 weeks of EFT, there was NO difference in these women's brain activity whether alone or holding the hand of their partner. Post treatment, their brains looked a lot like that of happy couples: their partner's presence was soothing and created a buffer against the threat of a shock. EFT helped these marriages create a sense of safety and closeness, and Johnson would say such security is a protective factor against life's challenges.
I practice this type of therapy and I can help you! Give me a call!
Ada Pang, MS, LMFT is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond counseling practice in WA. She loves helping couples reconnect in their relationships. Her most memorable moments with her husband are not at their wedding or during their travels; rather, it's when they're on the couch, talking about anything and everything.
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I remember getting out of a grueling two-day training and earlier in the day, had dragged myself to Greenlake for lunch, backpack and all. It was a beautiful day and I was pooped out. Usually, when I'm tired, I don't think straight, and I had bought a large vegan pizza to eat all by myself. I only managed two slices and carried this ridiculously large pizza box with me the rest of the day.
With eager anticipation, my best friend met me afterwards and we'd decided to have a pizza picnic at the same lake. Somehow, walking together down the same busy road made the trek seemed shorter. My backpack, weighing just as much, also felt lighter.
Now, one could argue I was distracted by our conversation, or felt relieved with the training ending, hence the perception change. Those things could all be true. However, what does research tell us about the company of a significant other and what that does to our perception of a situational stress? In other words, is it possible for us to perceive the world as having more demands when we're alone, compared to when we're with a partner?
According to a 2008 study by Schanll and colleagues, they had people stand in front of a hill and estimate how steep it was. What they've found is that there's a tendency for people to over-estimate how steep the hill was. It's like their bodies were trying to talk them out of walking up that hill, “Don't do it! Conserve your energy! It's too steep!” The same hill grew even steeper when they carried a backpack weighing 20% of their body weight.
The interesting finding is that for participants who went to the study alone, they estimated the hill to be more steep compared to those accompanied by a friend. In fact, even the thought of a friend was enough to level the hill some. And, the longer the friendship, the less steep the hill. How do you make sense of that?
We all have limited resources and we often calculate that against our demands. Stand me in front of a steep hill and I'm calculating how much resources my body has to walk up that hill. Could it be that my physiological resources are enhanced when there is a friend with me, especially someone I have come to know and trust? Somehow, the burden of drudging up that hill is lightened with the presence of another, or even just the thought of that other.
Never mind that my best friend in this case is my husband. He is very awesome. I will say that him being there didn't change my perception of the fake cheese pizza: it tasted pretty gross. Well, there is someone to share it with.
Who have you got to stand beside you? Want to better your relationships to help you face the challenges of life? Let me know!
Ada Pang, MS, LMFT is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond counseling practice in WA. She loves helping individuals and couples flourish and grow through difficult life transitions. When she's not yogaing, she's outside with her husband, climbing not-so-steep hills.
Shortly after writing and beginning to process the two tragedies in Orlando, a 3rd happen. I cannot imagine what it's like to have been there, to be the family, to be witness to such loss, to hope that it wasn't the case, to wish it away every time I think about it.
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There is a tendency for me to enter into the experience of another and to carry this tension, this stress in my body. For days, I went around, trying to keep going, ignoring the signs that it's not possible. My neck and shoulders were sensitive to touch; I couldn't carry my usual backpack without having to put it down at every opportunity. My body was telling me I wasn't well. I didn't want to listen, until I could no longer ignore it.
I have a 4-day conference to attend and my backpack will be my constant companion. I finally made time for some mindful yoga, of slowing down to care for my body, to pay attention to it and let it know it is important. My body responded in kind.
I don't mean to undermine the magnitude of all that have happened in Orlando by talking about yoga as a solution. I do invite you to care for you, to listen to what you might need. Given all this, what would be helpful right now? What would still keep you close to the things and people that matter to you?
My body is crying writing this and it begs for another slowing down, another stretch. Just know that I'm here if you need anything.
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I love The Voice and I have an off and on crush on the winner of season 6, Josh Kaufman. As a result of listening to his music, I would come across the amazing voice of Christina Grimmie, who came in 3rd that season. I share the shock and grief of many fans around the world when I learned about her death over the weekend. I couldn't wrap my head around this reality and would go through moments in my day, thinking that it's surreal. Such a beautiful life, taken from us.
Before grief even had time to sink in, I, along with the rest of the world, experienced more losses in the worst mass shooting in US history. These 49 victims have names, faces, and ties to loved ones. They had aspirations, were wonderful students, and held jobs that served the communities in many ways. My heart is broken and my body is heavy. Those injured are still grappling with their own mortality.
I can tell you I want to hide.
I want to withdraw from others.
I'm in shock and disbelief.
I feel cynical about the state of our world.
I want to give up.
I think the world is unsafe.
I feel like a news junkie, which is very unlike me.
I want to protect my loved ones.
I think about the last time I've lost a loved one and how difficult that was.
Those were my knee-jerk reactions. I let myself stay there for two days and tonight, I got online to write this post. I talked about it with my hairstylist, my sister, my parents. I gave my husband a long hug when he came home from work and I'm keeping abreast with what's going on without over-indulging.
I want you, the reader, to know that your thoughts, feelings, urges to withdraw, desire to connect are very real. I'm with you. I also want you to know that prolonged viewing of these traumatic media coverage will lead to more stress reactions, as shown by UC Irvine researchers when studying media exposure to the Boston Marathon bombings.
Please, limit your media exposure to these Orlando tragedies. Know enough to know what has happened, but don't follow every post and definitely not the playing and replaying of related videos and audios. Turn off the TV, the radio, the computer, the phone. Connect on social media around your grief, but meet face-to-face. Go to a vigil; host your own mini one. Take a break from talking about these events and just be with the other. We are not meant to go through such atrocities alone.
And, let me know if you need help processing all this or if it's awakening past trauma. I'm still here.
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Ah, James Bond. Who doesn't love James? Since marrying my husband and his DVD collection, I've watched all the 007's. Suave, charming, sexy, smart, dressed to the tee, always on these James-will-never-die conquests to save the world. Unattached and emotionally constipated, he always manages to capture the hearts of gorgeous women and take them to bed.
According to the co-developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy, there's a reason why these beautiful women would only want to make love to him once, at most twice, and that's it. Sue Johnson describes what determines success in couple relationships is this sense of love, connection and closeness. Two people are available, responsive to each other and have each other's back. James, on the other hand, “will always be James,” leaving his love interests waiting, longing, and lonely as hell.
It is for these reasons Moneypenny should really take her infatuation elsewhere. Her yearning will be tickled at most, but never satisfied. It's a temporary illusion that James would ever want her, as he's always one mission away from desiring someone else.
Need help staying close and connected in your intimate relationship? Shoot me an email!
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An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked: “What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.” They then decided they both would walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
The thing is, if you try to please everyone, you might as well… Kiss your ass goodbye.
Need help staying true to yourself? Give me a call!
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