Teens: 7 Tips to Help a Friend who’s Feeling Suicidal

Photo by Duy Pham on Unsplash

Dating myself

When I was a teen in the mid-90’s, the internet was just becoming a thing. Rumors were spread through word of mouth or note passing. I know. Hard to believe. When high school drama happened, the same news lasted for days, sometimes weeks. It meant that if I had a spat with one group of friends and tried to join another, I had time to go through the highs and lows of what happened.

Comparing myself to others was inevitable, but was limited only to people I knew. Popular culture still held impossible beauty standards, but photoshop did not exist back then. Mario Kart and Street Fighter were the video and arcade games of the time and shows like 13 Reasons Why were unfathomable. I was an average student and the pressure to excel and competitive college admission were not nearly as grueling as they are today.

It’s so different being a teen in 2019.

If I were a teen today

I’ve visited schools like Redmond High, Lake Washington, and Bellevue High and I try to imagine what it’s like to walk the halls as a student. That would probably be hard to pull off. But I still try to imagine it.

I wonder if I would feel included. Would I put on my ear buds and appear to not care?
Fire drills would be as boring as they were in the 90s, but how would I feel about active shooter drills?

Scrolling through Instagram, would I obsess over who my ex is talking to? I imagine the thoughts that would run through my mind incessantly: I wonder if he’s talking to Kenzie. Why can’t I get my IG posts to look like Kenzie’s? Why did I wear these tights today? My over-sized sweater isn’t oversized enough to cover my butt. I don’t feel ready for the math quiz even though I stayed up until 1am, studying for it. Sam will probably ask me if I want any edibles again. Awkward.

That’s probably a toned down version of what some of you might be going through. There is so much pressure on teens to be and do and act a certain way. Sometimes, the pressures of life push people to the brink of considering ending their lives, even if these thoughts and feelings are fleeting.

Jack Klott, an expert on suicide prevention talks about thoughts of suicide being a common experience. When life feels unbearable, suicide is seen as a way to end the pain. While this may not be your experience, here is how to help a friend who is feeling suicidal.

Tips for helping a friend who talks about wanting to end their life

1. Try to stay calm – I say try to because I know it’s not easy. Your friend is talking about wanting to do something that’s completely irreversible and you ought to take their words seriously. But, when you’re freaking out, it can send the message that they should’ve never told anyone and cue them to go back to isolating themselves.

2. Thank them for telling you – it takes a lot of courage to admit that they’re struggling and struggling to this extent. In an age of image crafting where people put their best everything forward, any signs of vulnerability should be encouraged. Yes, whether they’re telling you for the 1st time or the Nth time, thank them for sharing with you.

3. Tell them they mean a lot to you – one of the reasons why people want to end their lives is because they didn’t think life is worth living. People stay alive because they’re hopeful about the future, because they have friends and family who care about them, because they cannot leave their dog, because their faith prohibits them, because the physical pain will be too much, and for many other reasons. While you are not responsible for their life, you can be a potential reason for them to choose to live. Tell them they matter to you.

4. Touch base with them – even though you may not know how to help your friend who feels suicidal, staying in touch sends the message that you care. Your presence, your willingness to be in their lives is telling them, “I see you. I’m here for you. How are you today?”

5. Tell them about the following resources:

   • Teen Link is a confidential and anonymous hotline in WA staffed by teen volunteers trained to talk to other teens who are going through a tough time: call or text (866) 833-6546.

   • National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: (800) 273-TALK (8255) or text CONNECT to 741741 in the United States.

   • TrevorLifeline for the LGBTQ community: (866) 488-7386 or text START to 678678 in the United States.

   • Now Matters Now has many videos to help people deal with suicidal thoughts

6. Talk to an adult – you are a teen yourself, feeling some of the same pressures mentioned. Don’t bear this burden alone or amongst your friend group. Even if your friend who disclosed disclosed in confidence that you keep this a secret, we take thoughts and talks of suicide very seriously. Tell a coach, a teacher, a school counselor, a parent. Any adult. They have access to more resources and have more life experiences and training to get help for your friend.

7. Take care of yourself – it’s hard being the one holding the weight of this disclosure. A part of being able to share the burden with adults is so you can free up some space to take care of you. Please talk to others about how you’re doing. Keep going to your basketball practice, jamming out to Taylor Swift, and doing all the things you used to care about. You’re not responsible for your friend but you are responsible for you.

Support for you

If you need someone to talk to about these matters or the challenges of being a teen, we’re here for you. Bob Russell sees a lot of teen boys and Abby Erickson, girls. Let us know how we can help.

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. She’s committed to helping people find a life worth living, no matter their age. 

Why You Can't Relax In Someone Else's Yard (And What To Do About It)

Photo by CandiceP on Pixabay

Feeling weird as a guest 

The weather is warming up, which for many of us means travel plans to see old friends, maybe visit the in-laws this summer. I’ve written about the stress of hosting in the past, but it goes both ways: If you find yourself feeling weird as a guest - not knowing what to do with yourself and generally uneasy, you’re not alone.  This definitely falls into the “first world problem” category. But it’s a real thing, and I’m determined to find ways to overcome this mild annoyance.  

Not my own space 

I was visiting a friend recently over the weekend, and I had a bit of down time between activities. I hit the backyard by myself to get some fresh air and to give the host (and her husband and kid) some space. I stretched out on the grass, waiting to feel centered, to feel like myself again. While the sun felt good on my face, and I enjoyed the quiet breeze, I still didn’t get a reprieve from feeling generally uncomfortable. As long as I was in their yard, I couldn’t relax, and definitely couldn’t meditate the way I would in my own space. 

This could come down to classic social anxiety. When you’re already socially anxious, being away from home and someone’s guest exacerbates and highlights the anxiety because there is no escape to your comfort zone.

While I’ve never ended a trip early as a result of it, the thought has crossed my mind. 

Giving up control

Even when you visit the best of friends or notice very thoughtful touches to your stay, the guest is often in a position of less power. You have little control over the plan for the day, when you eat, when you sleep, and when you poop. This can feel chaotic to those of us who like a certain routine. If I can’t unbutton my top button after meals, let alone walk around the house in my undies, do I even want to see Cincinnati?! Well yes, I suppose I do. But the point stands.

Being a guest can take away your sense of agency. You might revert back to a state of helplessness, like a kid waiting for mom to tell you when to wake up, make meals, and take you to soccer. Even when asked what I want to do, I can lose sight of my own needs. I feel like I’m at the whim of the host - they know their town best and I have little idea what I want from a new experience. It’s different when I travel to a new place where I book a hotel room, and decide my itinerary; then I at least have some control over my day. 

All that to say, being a house guest can be disorienting.

The overly accommodating guest 

I’m the kind of introverted extrovert combo that loves people, but doesn’t know what to do with them. Even close friends and family. I’m also an empath, overly in tune with how others are feeling. I would never want my presence to be the cause of any unneeded stress for my host. This in turn makes me feel like I’m imposing, invading their space, in the way, a burden. I feel an incessant need to help and be accommodating. I know this can become annoying, so I check myself and then feel like I’m not helping enough. It’s a vicious cycle of self-censorship and anxiety. 

That makes it hard for me to enjoy my stay and their company.  

5 tips for overcoming guest anxiety

The point of traveling and seeing friends out of town is to have fun! And all my complaints are most definitely fun-killers.  Vacations should be relaxing, so I came up with ways to check all this anxiety and keep a level head:

1.     Get curious. Take an interest in the new and be open to new experiences. Set aside expectations, and try to keep an open mind to whatever ends up happening.

2.     Take a break when you need down time. No one can be non-stop fun all the time. And don’t worry if a nap in the hammock isn’t relaxing like it would be at home. You’re not in your element, and the newness can cause anxiety. That’s ok - frame it as a new experience.

3.     Offer to help, but don’t go over the top. Wash the dishes a couple times, clean up after yourself, but otherwise let the host do their host thing. Chances are, they don’t want you to take over running their home.

4.     Keep the trip short. I’m talking…one weekend. If it turns into a longer trip, find ways to entertain yourself, figure out your own transportation, do some exploring on your own. This will minimize the feeling that you’re a burden, and will give you some stories to share with your hosts about your adventures when you reconvene at the end of the day.

5.     Remember most hosts are happy to have you. They want to show off their city, wow you with a home cooked meal and impress you with the new kitchen remodel. Show your appreciation, and let them know when you’re enjoying yourself.

Get real

We all have a persona we put on when we’re “on” around people, and one that lets loose when no one is around. The irony is that I’m most comfortable, my best self - the one I want to share with others -  when I’m alone. If only I could teleport the relaxed, alone version of myself into someone else’s space for the weekend!

Sometimes visiting friends in new places brings out some realness. Ask yourself (and be honest when you answer): Do you truly like traveling? Do you prefer your own space? Are you curious? Are you open to going along with someone else’s plans?  It’s ok if the answer isn’t a resounding “yes!” 

I know it’s romantic to have a sense of adventure, to be carefree and spontaneous. But it’s also human to want comfort, peace, home, familiarity. Traveling and being a houseguest is revealing - it’s a great way to learn about yourself, your likes, dislikes, and best and worst traits. Think of it as a personal challenge and a learning experience. 

We can help!

I hope you have some fun plans for the summer. But if you just plan to stay in and read a book in the shade with some iced tea, that’s also great. Now if even the thought of going on these trips causes anxiety, we have counselors who can help! Does your relationship need a tune-up before visiting the in-laws? Or, are you feeling anxious seeing your high school friends again and you don’t know what to say? Improving couple relationships and managing social anxiety is our bread and butter, or toast and avocado. 

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Karen Lenz is the Office Whiz Extraordinaire at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She writes blog posts as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. She is looking forward to a family reunion next weekend to celebrate the 4th, and she’s thankful that it will be at a campground so that no one will have to be concerned about being on their best guest behavior.

Friend, this is how to Support me During a Break-up

Photo by Court Prather on Unsplash

Yes, it sucks and it hurts

First of all, if you’re going through a break-up, my heart aches with you. This absolutely sucks and it can feel like the pain never ends. If you haven’t already, I want you to watch this video. Psychologist Guy Winch talks about what it takes a to mend a broken heart:

I might add that while it’s important for your friends to show you compassion and patience, it’s even more important to be compassionate and patient towards yourself as you recover. The time it takes for you to heal might not be proportional to the length of the relationship. 

Close to home 

As a relative, a friend, a therapist, I’ve witnessed many heartbreaks. Take Tammy, for example, my playmate. We go way back. We have so many inside jokes and recall the silliest stories. We share embarrassing selfies and we’ve seen each other at our best and at our worst. And worse it was when she went through a tumultuous divorce a few years ago. Is her ex coming back? Is he gone for good? There was so much back and forth and “fun” is not the word I’d use to describe this rollercoaster ride.

The thing is, there’s never a good time to break up. Even if it’s for the better, it always sucks. Sometimes it’s easier for the relationship to keep dragging on than it is to be honest about parting ways. Regardless of how your relationship ended, when your friends don’t know what to say, they can say the most insensitive things. Have you ever stopped opening up to a friend because of something they’ve said? You probably didn’t bother correcting them because you’re just trying to stop hemorrhaging.

So what shouldn’t your friends do? Let’s see if this resonates with you. 

What not to do when helping me get through my break-up 

1.    Bad mouth my ex – When I call my ex every name in the book, you want to support me and jump on the bandwagon. I know you mean well because you don’t like seeing me this way. But when I hear those colorful words flying out of your mouth, I’m silently wishing that you’d tone it down. Not only am I managing my own emotional response; I’m also cued into yours. I don’t have the bandwidth for that.

2.    Argue with me when I defend my ex – So there’s a reason why we got together. However long or short it has been, there was something there. If they’re all that terrible, what does that say about me that I chose to be in a relationship with them? This back and forth is a part of the process. Please let me be.

3.    Remind me why we should’ve never gotten together in the first place – This stings. I might already realize this and have mustered up all the courage to break up with that person, let alone tell you. The last thing I’d need to hear is, “Remember when I told you...”

4.    Tell me I’ll find someone better – I’m not saying that’s not true, but not now. I’m still aching over this relationship and I’m not ready for another one. Please; I really can’t think about someone else right now.

5.    Hurry me along – I don’t know why but I feel like I’m never going to get over this person. Every playlist, place, car ride remind me of them. I don’t know how long this is going to take. The last thing I need is for you to get irritated at me because it has been five months and I’m still down and out. Please let me be me when I’m with you.

So, let’s take a break here. Rather than simply telling your friends what they shouldn’t do during your break up, what would you rather they do instead? Would the following help?

What to do when helping me get through my break-up

1.    Listen – I know I’m rambling. I just want to pour my heart out and get things off my chest. You don’t have to agree with me. You don’t even have to side with me. Just give me your best ear and don’t judge me.

2.    Offer a place to stay – Sometimes I just want to get out of my element and have a change of scenery. I wouldn’t mind crashing on your couch for a few nights. Just offer.

3.    Take a break from talking about my ex – That’s all I think about. Perhaps it seems like that’s all I want to talk about. But really, help set some limits around that. Let me go on for an hour and then let’s move onto something else. I need a break from this too.

4.    Keep inviting me out – I still want a life. Whether I’m in a relationship or not doesn’t change that. Yes, it might be hard to see people in pairs but I’m still human. Being in good company helps me heal.

5.    Give me space – I know I sound like I’m contradicting myself, but I’m really not. Sometimes, I don’t want to go out and I just need space to think and process what the hell just happened. If I’m not in the mood, you can probe a little but then check back later if I insist on being alone.

I’m sure this is not an exhaustive list but I really hope this can be a conversation starter. Share this post and add your own pointers. You’re uniquely you and your friends who have never seen you this way simply don’t know how best to support you.

For your recovery, for their understanding, for your friendship, given them somethin’. 

Finally, let us know if the counselors at People Bloom can support you in more ways than 10. We’re not your friends and we can’t thank you enough for them, but as therapists, we have other tools to help you get back on your feet. You know where to find us.

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 Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice in WA. She helps unhappy couples and families living with cancer. Her clinician Bob Russell specializes in teens and young professionals. Whatever your challenges, let us know if we can help you!

Lone Rangers Need Friends Too: Finding Community in an Increasingly Isolated World

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Making light of loneliness

The only thing I can bring myself to watch lately is comedy shows. My latest fixation is on the Netflix special Getting Coffee in Cars with Comedians, in which Jerry Seinfeld takes comedians out to coffee. When two comedians get together, they commiserate about the state of the world and their fears and insecurities, but always find a way to make it funny.  Comedy shows remind me of the human condition which is this: We all struggle, and we all feel desperately lonely sometimes. This is even when, and perhaps especially when, we have all the fame and money in the world.

I know this sounds depressing, but it’s meant to be reassuring. We are all in this tough world together, so we might as well laugh as a way to cope.

If famous comedians with millions of adoring fans feel this lonely, where does that leave us regular folks?

We have all been there

In her last post, Ada made an appeal for social inclusion, urging readers to reach out to those who may feel excluded. It inspired me to pay attention to people who may not be in my inner circle, but it also reminded me of all the times I have felt excluded.
I was that painfully shy kid in school, so it’s a sensitive topic. It’s been 20 years since junior high but still feels #toosoon. And even as an adult, I have felt abandoned by flaky friends, like a loner on many a Friday night, or terrified of rejection when I initiate hangouts.

So, I wanted to talk about what this young adult does when she feels like the “other.” 

The loneliness epidemic

So many people live in solitude and wish they had more connection. We all know that feeling lonely is emotionally distressing, but science also confirms that it can lead to a whole slew of health problems. And conversely, people who are well connected live longer and happier lives.

We Americans pride ourselves on our individualism and place a lot of value on independence - that cowboyin’ lone ranger mentality. But we are social creatures, and even lone rangers need friends. Friendships came so naturally when we were kids surrounded by peers, but once we’re no longer in proximity of a social group, making new friends gets difficult. As we get older, many of us are worse at maintaining friendships. The fact that we're highly mobile and can move half way across the world also doesn't help. But, as we get older, our need for friendships doesn’t diminish.

You can try to counteract this disconnect with social media “friends,” but unless you’re using Facebook to decide where to meet the gang in real life, the social media experience can leave us feeling empty. We all crave acceptance, closeness, and meaningful connections.

Do you get lonely sometimes?

If you answered yes to this question, you're normal. Admitting that you feel lonely takes courage, because we humans have our egos to protect. It means confronting our social insecurities and realizing our relationships are not where we'd like them to be. We tend to blame ourselves for feeling this way, as if it shows that we're weak for needing others. So this is how it goes down: we feel lonely, we beat ourselves up for feeling this way, and we cope by trying to convince ourselves we don't need community.

It just doesn't work.

Welcome to the party

You are one of many lonely people. The irony is that our feelings of loneliness unite us all. Everyone feels this way sometimes, even people who seem to have it all. If you have a tendency to get lonely, studies show that it’s not your fault. The feeling of loneliness begins a vicious cycle: We crave companionship, and if we sense the slightest rejection, we perceive people’s reactions to us negatively and we feel more sensitive than usual. This further perpetuates our feelings of loneliness. Psychologist John Cacioppo explains this perceived rejection here.

The problem with the simple solution

Well-meaning acquaintances probably tell you to “just get out there and meet people,” enthusiastically suggesting that you get on a dating app or join a knitting circle. But it’s not that simple. Social interaction doesn’t necessarily make us feel any less alone. Sometimes the more people we are surrounded by, the lonelier we get.

Even people in relationships get lonely; in fact, a strained relationship in which you feel distance between you and your partner can make you feel more solitary than actually being alone. There are also the happily married couples who found companionship, but got so caught up with their relationship and family life that their social outlets dwindled over time.  

Want to combat loneliness?

It turns out, one thing that helps to combat loneliness is learning how to interact better. If you identify as someone who perceives slights that might not actually be there, a trained therapist can help you read social cues so you can interact with the world in healthier ways. You’ll see with practice that what we may view as rejection may not be so, and over time you’ll build up the courage to approach others, make plans, and interact with less fear.

Opening up

Knowing how common the feeling of loneliness is might help you be more open about it.  Try telling a confidant that you’re dealing with this, and they might just share their struggles of feeling isolated as well. Much like the comedians confiding in each other about their anxieties, we can find fellow lonely souls who may share our concerns. This sense of comradery is good for our souls.

You’d be amazed at the kindness you might encounter when you open up and show vulnerability. Here's a better cycle: Vulnerability can beget vulnerability.

Put yourself first

It may seem counterintuitive to focus your attention inward when you’re already feeling so self-aware. But try it. Take your attention off the external world “out there” and do things for yourself that make you feel worthwhile. Imagine a lovely guest from out of town is coming to stay with you. How would you treat your friend? Would you cook special meals, make their bed and keep the house tidy? Well…the twist is, that guest is you! Pamper yourself, respect yourself, tend to your needs. This diverts attention from your expectations of others and things that are outside your control.

Ease into the world at your own pace

As a lonely person, I used to try combat my own solitude by inviting everyone I know to hang out at once. These bashes rarely went well, and usually had two outcomes: 1) people would show up, I’d feel all this pressure to make it fun. I wasn’t in my comfort zone and I’d get overwhelmed and vow to never do that again… or 2) almost no one would show up. As a sensitive gal, I’d internalize this as meaning I’m unlovable as a friend and the rejection cycle ensues.

I learned over time that it'd be in my best interest to embrace my introversion.  I started small and continue to take small steps. I run with my strengths, not my weaknesses. I do better with an intimate crowd of one or two and I'm happy with that. 

Be true to you

When you’re ready to go out in the world, find what works for you. Do what makes you feel comfortable so that you can be excited about it. Your interests and hobbies make you who you are. Go find your people. There is a crowd for every interest these days and sharing your likes with others can be a gateway to making connections. Sites like Meetup.com allow you to find activities based on shared interests. Find art classes, lectures, or musical events that provide a structured activity so there is less pressure to interact. If you’re religious, try joining community events at your congregation.

There is no pressure to keep attending social events if they don’t feel right. But, putting yourself out there is a form of therapy called “exposure therapy.” The theory is, the more you expose yourself to an uncomfortable situation, the less white knuckling you'll be doing and more at ease you will feel with time.

The key to being around others? Enjoy the activity as your first priority, and if connections happen, that's the cherry on top.

You got this!

Meeting new people can be intimidating. Go easy on yourself and treat yourself with compassion as you navigate this strange new world. Having a professional around to help you through this process can make a big difference. Talk to a therapist for guidance if you’re not sure where to start. You know where to find us.

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Karen Lenz is the Executive Assistant at People Bloom Counseling. She’s the office admin whiz - not a therapist. She writes blog posts as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. She is thankful to get to share her experiences with you, and hopes that her messy journey might resonate with you and make you feel less alone.

A Case for Social Inclusion

Photo by James Baldwin on Unsplash

Don’t go through life alone 

In previous posts, I’ve talked about the importance of friendships. When we’re going through a hard time, we fare better with a friend’s support because we have access to a larger pool of physical and psychological resources. Just knowing that someone cares for you, thinks about you, and is willing to do tangible things to help you can make you feel ten feet tall. Someone has your back; you don’t have to fight the fight alone.

This is not just with friends.

Being seen and standing with

Given the political climate, there has been more seeing and standing with each other against the “isms” of society. We may personally know someone who is oppressed or the sheer knowledge that injustice is happening to another human being is enough to make us take a stand. This is not okay. We may be standing with strangers but that doesn’t matter. It is our way of saying they matter, and they are one of us and we’re one of them.

Social inclusion is key to our sense of well-being. Let me tell you how.

A ball experiment

In a social experiment involving sets of three subjects, they were initially asked to take a life satisfaction survey. Questions included items such as, “How would you rate your quality of life? How satisfied are you with your current relationships? How do you like your job? How hopeful are you about your future?” and the like.

They were then taken into separate rooms and two of the subjects were given the same instructions: pass the ball equally back and forth to each other and then eventually at the exclusion of an identified third. This third subject, however, was told that the ball would be equally passed between the three of them.

They did as told.

At first, it was pretty uneventful. It was an equal ball opportunity; no hard feelings. Over time, it became apparent that for one reason or another, the third person was being left out. This person signaled, reached up but was only passed the ball occasionally. At the end of the back and forth passing which lasted no more than a few minutes, they were told to re-take the same life satisfaction questionnaire. Can you guess how their answers differed?

Experiment results

The two people who felt included and were simply following instructions rated similar results as before. If they felt that life was good; life was still good. If life sucked; the experiment didn’t change their perspective much. The third person, however, had a more pessimistic view of looking at the world compared to just moments before: their quality of life decreased, they felt like their dreams weren’t going to come true, they were less satisfied with their jobs, etc.

All this from passing a ball back and forth with complete strangers. Do these results surprise you?

Social exclusion in your life

When was the last time you found yourself in a situation where you felt “other?” What was that like? What thoughts went through your mind? How did that impact your mood? What did you do afterwards? I can imagine this all depends on how important the social gathering, the relevance of those people in your life, how frequently this has been happening, and how you interpreted their cold shoulders. We’ve all been there; it’s hard to not be picked, seen and included.

You can pretend that it didn’t bother you, but it did. You can hide that it hurts, but it still hurts.

Extending the invitation

Knowing how that feels, what if you can make your community a little more inviting? Who’s in your circle and how are you including them? How can you extend your circle to bring in others? These do not have to be over the top gestures. Small things matter.

For example, when was the last time you were in a conversation in a group and you noticed someone on the outskirts and you simply left them there? You were not intentionally being rude but you also didn’t make any effort to include them. What if you locked eyes with that person from time to time? What if you asked them a question and brought them into the conversation? What if a smile made the other’s world a less lonely place?

In case you feel “other”

If you feel “other” and you’re having a hard time integrating into your community, we’re here for you. Here at People Bloom, we’re all about helping you grow your tribe: the people who will be there for you when we’re no longer in your life. I help couples connect and cancer patients heal. Bob helps teens and young adults find their way through their home, school, work and social life. We hope to meet you!

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice in WA. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. She’s guilty as charged when it comes to remembering how she has left someone on the outskirts. She’s going to change that in the next two weeks.

5 Tips for Surviving the Overwhelm

Photo by nikko macaspac on Unsplash

A COMMON EXPERIENCE

In an earlier post, I wrote about helping my playmate Tammy and her son Trevor move. Well, last month, Trevor got sick at school and he was sent home for much of the week. Tammy, a single mom, could not afford to miss so much work. It so happened that Tammy’s family was out-of-town and she also started part-time school. Tammy was at her wits end, and as her good friend, I did not respond well.

Say, just because I’m a therapist doesn’t mean I'm always patient and stoic. Even I don't have my sh*t together all the time. But, that’s probably content for a different post.

As I debriefed the incident with Tammy, it reminded me that this is a common experience. The work project is due on the same week the in-laws are coming in, and the hot water tank failed while little Joey developed chicken pox. Some of the events were foreseeable; others were sprung on us and converged into the perfect storm. When all is said and done, one can probably laugh about it. But in the midst of the chaos, what are we to do to survive these moments?

5 Tips for the Overwhelmed

1. Ask for help yesterday

Okay, I don’t mean to sound facetious, but I am suggesting for you to ask for help before things are in dire straits. We live in a culture where people are prized for doing it all by themselves. To ask for help is to show that you don’t have it all together, that you’re not making the cut. But the thing is, we all lean on each other to get through life and others might not know that you’re drowning or might not understand the kind of help you need until you ask. Even if the ask is simply, “I don’t know what I need, but I can’t pull this off by myself!” That’s cuing the other person to problem solve with you when you don’t have the bandwidth to do so alone.

I want to emphasize asking for help early on because by the time you’re feeling desperate, any sign of rejection is taken as a slap in the face and you’re more likely to shut down and not reach out. That will often make things worse. When things haven’t hit rock bottom but you’re feeling the strain of the situation, you still have it in you to communicate about your needs and give the other person time to plan ahead. If that person is not available, others might still be.

You don’t have to wait until you’re at the end of your rope to say you need a little help along the way. Sometimes having people remove just a thing or two from your plate is enough to give you clarity about your next steps, rather than feeling stuck in the overwhelm.

2. Don’t think about the other person when asking for help

This is important enough to put in its own category. There’s a tendency to consider whether another person can give the help before we even ask. Oh, it’s the weekday, people have their lives. It’s the weekend, people are busy. I can’t ask; that person lives so far away. I know for sure they have soccer practice on Wednesday nights so I wouldn’t want to interrupt their schedule. Chances are you’re right. We’re all busy, or often times we look it because that’s another thing our society values. But, can you puh-lease let the other person decide whether they can help you, rather than deciding for them?

What if they want to help you and can bring over take-out, rather than cooking at home? What if Garret can step in to take the kids to soccer, freeing your friend up for laundry service? You don’t know what other people might decide to do when you present them with the need. By not asking or by asking during a crisis, it closes off the possibilities that are available to all of you.

3. Drop the ball on other things

I get it. I know you have a lifestyle to maintain; you still want to pack lunches, eat nutritious meals and do your exercises. You’re pissed off that expected and unexpected things are disrupting your routine. Listen: You can’t have it all. Not right now. There’s too much going on. Some things have got to give. I wouldn’t say this to you when you’re just going about your everyday predictable life. When things are not going as planned, it’s important to pivot and see what you can get off your plate, including the things that are already there before sh*t hit the fan.

This is not about giving up or giving in; it’s about being adaptable to your circumstances. If you eat frozen dinners, miss yoga and run a just good enough meeting, no one is going to die. When you’re no longer putting out fires and you have more in you, you can go back to doing you.

4. Take it a moment at a time*

So you have lots to do and you want everything to be fixed two days ago. You can’t possibly imagine how you’re going to get through the week because the more you anticipate what’s ahead, the more overwhelmed you feel. If you’re not already aware, your ability to make sound decisions goes out the window when there’s too much going on. Now is simply not the time to think about your final exam in two weeks, your kid’s birthday party in a month or your performance review coming up. There is enough on your plate you don’t need to pile on more. Now is only about how you can get through this moment without making things worse.

What do you need to do right here, right now to resolve the most pressing thing? What do you need to do the next hour to chip away at this other problem? What needs to happen tonight to plan for tomorrow morning? During periods of overwhelm, just focus on the immediate, putting one foot in front of the other. When you’re past this storm, you can look up again to see how you’ve pulled it off, hopefully with some help.

5. Do the opposite of what you want to do*

There’s a tendency to want to self-sabotage when we’re going through a hard time. Thoughts like What’s the point? No one cares. I can’t do this anymore! This is too hard. Why me? will frequent your mind at the most opportune time. Why this happens is a topic for a different post, but what’s more important is that you don’t entertain these thoughts or act on them. Instead, when you want to give up, lean in. When you don’t want to call a friend, call your friend. When you don’t want to get out of bed, get out of bed and start on whatever you know would help the situation.

Do the opposite of what you want to do so that by doing so, you might, though not guaranteed, bring on feelings of hope, relief and comfort, which is the opposite of despair, misery, and distress. Be active by acting the way you want to feel because if you wait until you feel better before you do something, that day may never come. Especially not during times of overwhelm.

EXPECT IT

All this to say, while we're still living and breathing, we'll go through rough patches. This is life. But, it doesn't mean we're helpless to our circumstances. Rather, in light of life's difficulties, how will we get through them and hopefully grow some wisdom along the way...

If you’re feeling the strain and need help, reach out. If you’re in the thick of it, now is a good time too. I specialize in couples and cancer patients and Bob works with teens and millennials. We’re here for you and we can help you get through this overwhelm.

*Borrowed from the traditions of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice in WA. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. During times of overwhelm, she finds it most helpful to reach out to her husband, eat sushi, and ask for prayers from her favorite people. She’s about getting through that day, because the next day, will be a new day. It always is.

Words from a Mental Health Counselor: Why I Appreciate your Close Friends

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Friendships through the good and the bad

As I read and re-read Karen’s last post about self-care, what struck me the most is how much she and Emma have been there for each other. Their friendship spans almost half her lifetime and they’ve laughed through the sheer joy and silliness of being in each others’ presence, and they’ve cried through painful breakups and difficult medical diagnoses. Do you have a friend like that in your life? If so, they’re making my life as a therapist easier.

Let me tell you how.

Feeling disconnected in your friendships

Clients sometimes come into my office because, “I can’t talk to my friends about this.” Now, these are really close friends. Granted, like Karen has mentioned, some conversations are best left for the therapy office. However, the stuff that my clients bring up shows that they can really use some support in their community. My clients talk about feeling lonely, like they’re the only ones going through ABC when I know their experience is all too common. Or, worse yet, when they’ve finally mustered up the courage to say something to their tribe, it’s minimized, like, “Why is that such a big deal?! You should keep doing XYZ!”

It’s during those moments where you might feel both connected to yet disconnected from your people. Your friendships look close on the outside: you post lots of selfies on social media and you laugh like you’re having a grand old time, yet you leave these meetups feeling alone because you never talked about what really mattered.

Friendships that go deep

It’s easy in our Seattle freeze culture to keep to ourselves. And, when you try to get to know someone, it’s hard to go deep when you see each other only once a quarter. But, when you do talk about deeper issues, and you share about your struggle as a parent, your troubled marriage, or your difficulties at work, can you find some commonality in what you all are going through? Your circumstances might be different but those feelings of frustration, loneliness, or inadequacy are often a shared experience, if you’d only share them.

Your friendships are protective

My clients who have friends they can talk to have better outcomes in treatment. In moments of crisis, they have friends they can lean on and can call upon as a support person. During really difficult times, they know that they’re not alone in their suffering because they remember that Sarah had a miscarriage, Taylor was laid off, Eric is a single dad, and John and Becky are dealing with an affair. People in their community know suffering, and they’re doing life together.

Here’s the best part: when my clients learn new skills in sessions, some share with their friends and develop accountability for practicing those skills outside of therapy. If that doesn’t help with the therapeutic process, I don’t know what does.

Sharing in your friendships

Now I’m not asking you to go from shooting the breeze to sharing your deepest, darkest secrets. But the next time you’re hanging out with people you’d consider your close friends and you hesitate to share something, say something like this: “So, I’ve been meaning to say something but I didn’t know where to start. I don’t need any advice (unless you do), but I really need for you to take me seriously...” You might be surprised at how your sharing opens up more sharing and hopefully, closer friendships.

If you’re having trouble opening up in your friendships or you’re not sure how to best support your friend, you know where to find me.

Emma, if you’re reading this, I want to thank you for being in Karen’s life. I’m not her therapist but I can imagine she’s a better worker because of you and your influence on her life. For that I’m grateful.

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice in WA. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. She has a business idea to provide counseling services to friend groups so she can help build stronger, more resilient communities. More to come on that new endeavor.

There Is Such a Thing as Too Much Self Help

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Self-help? No thanks!

The year I turned 30, the life path I thought I was on took a sharp turn and derailed. The end of a six-year relationship left me broken. I was diagnosed with a debilitating autoimmune disease.  A nice Welcome to your 30s! combo set.

At the same time, my friend Emma was going through her own massive life upheaval. She carried me through my post-break-up identity crisis and I offered her support through a messy divorce. Emma suggested I read Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie. There was a time I would have scoffed at those cheesy self-help books. I never would have considered that codependence could be my problem. But desperation set in and I flung open to page one. Here's the short version: opening that book opened my heart to the wisdom of strangers, and it saved my life.

As it turns out, Beattie knew my soul.

I then jumped on the self-help bandwagon. I read all the self-care guides, journaled daily, and was determined to heal - emotionally and physically. The guidance of experts in health and wellness became my enlightenment. If I hadn’t faced some truths about myself, I might still be living in those dark days. My Before Self Help Era (BSH).                   

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Putting down the books

Fast forward four years. As I sat with Emma at a coffee shop recently, I realized we were doing it again. Swapping our latest self-help tips, divulging our deepest flaws and sharing the new tool we learned for coping with whatever challenge we were facing at that moment.

I couldn’t remember the last time I hung out with Emma without psychoanalyzing and dissecting our behaviors and motivations. As we grew and changed together, and as life continued to throw curve balls at us, it was like we’d become each other’s therapists. Our quest for healing had become our common ground and set the tone for our friendship.

Now don't get me wrong, it’s great to help each other when we're struggling! And it’s also easy to dwell on our problems when we catch up - our problems become a topic we know so well! But it’s not our job to treat each other’s emotional pain, especially without proper training.  I trust Emma with my struggles because she is a great listener and gives the best advice. I try to do the same for her. But after all these years, I don’t know if my advice has been helpful, no matter how good my intentions.  A trained therapist would know best how to handle our respective baggage. It was time to stop letting the quest for self-improvement and healing consume us. 

As much as Emma and I thrived on each other's support, we were both feeling the burden of playing counselor. 

Finding middle ground

I missed just being. Emma and I have been friends for 15 years. There was a time when we didn’t analyze our every thought or decision (long before BSH). We were care-free and spontaneous. I know we can’t bring back our free and breezy 20’s. Or, let’s be honest, the days of drunken shenanigans. But, we can try to remember who we were then, and channel that feeling - before obligations, heartbreaks, and mortgages took their toll. We don’t have to constantly obsess and worry about whether we’re doing life right. Self-doubt is at the root of many of our quests for self-improvement.

For a moment over coffee, I can stop trying to fix myself and others. 

So I experimented: I decided to hang out with Emma and do things that bring us joy. We ordered pie to go with our coffee (guilt-free!) and reminisced about things that make us laugh. We walked to the park and played on the swings, like a couple of kids. I think our friendship needed that jump-start. Nothing was broken at that moment, and nothing needed fixing. 

Going against my nature and trusting my instincts

I tend to delve deep when I get into a one-on-one conversation. Keeping things light-hearted is out of character for me, so just having fun is a much needed reprieve. Whenever the conversation over coffee got heavy, I suggested to Emma that she discuss the issue with her therapist. We no longer dwell or talk in circles like we used to.

Granted, I’m still on this journey and have much more to learn. But during that coffee break I gave myself a break from self-improvement, from healing and processing. To exist, free of worry or a need for order and perfection. Ironically, it's self-improvement books that have taught me to be more present and live in the moment.   Maybe I'm finally learning to trust my own instincts - not rely so completely on the guidance of others. Could it be, I'm actually applying what I have learned in my search for wisdom and wellness?

What's your nature?

If you’re reading this blog, I’m guessing you are open to self-improvement and to learning tools to cope with life’s challenges. Doing the work to better yourself can be life-changing. It takes guts to face yourself, flaws and all, and it’s noble work to aim to be the best version of you.

But, if you’ve been bogged down by too much processing, give yourself permission to take a break from overthinking. It’s okay to put down the books, for as long as you need. They’ll be there when you want to jump back in. But for the time being, do the thing that brings you joy. I’m off to play in clay and to see if I can still throw a mug or two. Maybe Emma and I can use it at our next coffee date. If my mug doesn't come out perfectly from the kiln, well, it'll have my fingerprints all over it.

Taking care of you and your Emma

Do you have an Emma in your life?  The next time the two of you end up going down the psychoanalysis rabbit hole, save your own issues for your session with your therapist. If your Emma doesn’t have a therapist and she's open to seeing someone, you can suggest that too. It’s ok to lean on friends for support, but having fun and letting go of it all sometimes can be just as therapeutic as the best self-help book. It can also do wonders for friendships.

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Karen Lenz
Executive Assistant

Hi, I want to introduce myself as People Bloom's Executive Assistant. I know you look to Ada’s  blogs for helpful messages and tips to get through life’s challenges. But running a small business is non-stop work, which means the blog sometimes gets pushed to the back burner. I mentioned to Ada that I like to write, and she kindly offered for me to contribute blogs during those busy times. I was thrilled!
I’m in the office business - not a therapist. I’ll share my experiences as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. Thank you for letting me share a part of myself. Maybe my journey will resonate with you, and we’ll get through this messy life together.

5 Tips to Help a Friend Move with Less Frustration

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My story with helping a friend move 

Recently, I helped my playmate Tammy move. Playmate. Yes, you heard it right. If kids can have playdates, then why can’t adults have playmates? Tammy and I are goofballs around each other. We go way back and we’ve seen it all. If I slipped on black ice and did a face plant, she’d be the first to know. Anyhow, I digressed.

Something you should know about Tammy is that she has a lot of stuff. She lives with her 7 year old son and as a family of two, they filled a mid-size moving truck. You see, Tammy is very creative. Throughout her life time, she has dabbled in snowboarding, cooking, gardening, crocheting and sewing. She’s an extrovert and she loves to throw parties. And of course Trevor has his own stuff too.

All that to say, I was overwhelmed. Even after many trips to Goodwill, it seems like boxes and bags were coming out of the woodwork. There must be organization in the disorganization, but not to an outsider. In my moments of agitation, I learned a few things about helping someone move.

Tip #1: Don’t argue too much 

There are some things you’re not going to understand or agree on. That’s okay. This is not your house after all. You can state an opinion about what could work better, but if your friend has a preference, go with theirs. They might already be going batsh*t crazy. The last they need is for you to insist on your ways.

Example: On the day of the move, Tammy wanted me to check all the sockets at the new house to see that they work. The inspector has already okayed the sockets. It didn’t matter. Tammy needed reassurance; I shouldn’t be an ass about it.

Tip #2: Keep it light

Moving is stressful. The steps in locating a new home, packing up the old place, and now finally making the move happen amount to a lot of work. Sure, it doesn’t equate to the stress of someone dying or getting married, but a “major change in living condition” ranks 28 on The Holmes-Rahe Life Stress Inventory. That’s significant. Regardless of whether your friend elected to move or was involuntarily displaced, bring a little humor into the day.

Example: Tammy printed a lot of labels but she ran out of “Fragile” ones. I began drawing the broken glass symbol on boxes and called myself an artist. We had a pretty good laugh about it since it was obvious that between the two of us, she was the creative and artistic one. I’m just the heady therapist, so I'll stick to my day job.

Tip #3: Take care of your basic needs

If you’re going to stay over for a night or two, are the soap and towels packed? Is there a spare roll of TP lying around? Where are you going to sleep without moving in half of your stuff? What are you and everyone else going to eat when you’re in the thick of packing?

Example: I was put on a strict diet a week before the move. Tammy didn’t have any plans for breakfast the day of and I was hungry. I ended up eating out of her limited fridge and breaking my diet. I should’ve packed something from home. Now I know.

Tip #4: Listen to yourself when you’ve been working really hard

You might have been recruited to pack, clean the old house, keep an eye on the movers, clean the new house and unpack. Whatever the tasks, it doesn’t mean you have to do it all. Does it work better for you to pack or help unload at the new house so your whole day isn’t shot? Do you have a bad back and it’s best to let someone else do the heavy lifting? Check in with yourself when you’re pressed up against your limits. It’s okay to say no to requests.

Example: Tammy had a very good agent and he was very detailed, almost to a fault. He wanted the apartment to be meticulously cleaned. He went out and bought cleaning supplies and we were on all fours, scrubbing while Tammy and the movers caravaned to the new place. By the time I arrived at Tammy’s new home 30 miles away, I was hangry.

Tip #5: Take it easy afterwards

It has been a long weekend, a long day. What do you need? Do you need to veg out on your phone, grab some comfort food, take a nap? Do you need to stretch, get a massage, go to yoga? If your body needs some TLC, meet that need. You don’t have to push yourself so hard.

Example: As the move came to a close, I was done. It wasn’t that Tammy said I still had to do this and that, but I wanted to help her unpack her closet and bathroom. I did leave the laundry area a mess. Considering the long drive home, I now know not to schedule an early morning client the next day.

Thanks in advance

Thanks for being a good friend in helping someone move. We do better when we’re together.

And if you need more than moving tips, I'll be here.

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice in WA. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. When she and her husband moved a few years back, they were grateful for their good friends who made it happen, and Frog Boxes that eliminated cardboard boxes and sped up the unpacking process. She’s sure that if Tammy was reading this, she might say that Ada was an ass on the day of the move. Perhaps that’s just how playmates are.