Tips for Coping with the Effects of a Global Trauma

Photo by Robina Weermeijer on Unsplash

While stuck at home, you’re feeling things you may have never felt before. This isn’t a typical global crisis. So much of this pandemic involves isolation, waiting, unknowns, and not much action, unless you’re on the frontlines. But the effects on the population as a whole are felt, nonetheless.

During a global crisis...

• You may feel fatigued, confused, angry, restless, sad, helpless, distracted and/or super alert.

• You may feel trapped, like life is on hold.

• You may feel safe at home.

• You may feel bad about feeling safe at home.

You may skip between these feelings constantly. You may not know how to behave or what you ought to do when you’ve been given so many mixed messages.

Even when you allow yourself to have a good laugh about all that’s going on, when you pull away from this YouTube video or that TV show, the reality is still there. 

Your routine has been disrupted, at the very least. If you’re on the frontlines, you cannot unsee what you have seen.

It’s ok if...

• You aren’t getting as much done

• You aren’t eating super healthy

• You’re not eating enough

• You’re overeating

• You don’t always show patience with your partner or children

• You’re sleeping too much

• You’re not sleeping enough

Please extend grace to yourself. This is especially important when your best doesn’t feel like your best. 

“Normal” reactions to trauma 

All of your reactions are normal. In this context, “normal” just means common; we universally and instinctually share these reactions and traits. Your reactions are human, understandable and to be expected.

“Normal” will look slightly different for each of us, but there are some recognizable universal ways that we all react to dangerous situations.

Common trauma responses, one of which is less well known

When faced with danger, whether real or perceived, humans instinctively respond in the following four ways. While they’re not neatly categorized, see if you can spot yourself in one or more of these reactions:

• Fight –  In fight mode, you may show aggression about the state of the world as a whole, but this also manifests as angry outbursts taken out on those around you for seemingly unrelated reasons.

• Flight – In flight mode, you feel like running away from the danger, but this can also show up as forms of escape: becoming hyper-focused on work, or diving into projects and tasks that distract you from all the negative events in the world.

• Freeze – When you don’t know whether to fight or flee, your brain can resort to another option: shut down and freeze. In temporarily tightening up your muscles and paralyzing yourself, you hope to be away from danger. Your brain is subconsciously playing the game of “If I can’t see them, they can’t see me.” 

• Fawn or faint – The fourth and least talked about reaction to danger is to fawn/faint. When you fawn/faint, you have no energy to fight, flight or even freeze. You feel so helpless about the situation you become co-dependent or people-please. Sometimes, this can show up as frontline workers taking on extra shifts or working beyond their limits.

Normal reactions may be common survival instincts, but they aren’t always helpful for your well being. While your reactions make sense, they can lead to anxiety, depression, sleep deprivation and worsened mental health.

It can be distressing when there is so much we have little control over and so much we don’t know. So what can we do to feel better when the world feels out of control?

Focus on what you do have control over and take it day-by-day

1. Pay attention to what your body needs. In times of stress, it’s incredibly easy to lose track of your needs to the point where you don’t notice you are hungry, thirsty, need to pee or are tired as heck. Cortisol stress levels are high, and your body needs extra care to stay in balance.

Check in with your body. Take a break, eat well, and rest when you’re tired. Do everything you need for self-care, and then some. Do everything you need for self-care, and then some.

2. Make a schedule and keep a routine. If your typical schedule has been disrupted, create a new routine around specific activities for you and your family. Pick up new activities and/or hold onto the ones you know well. Having a routine creates a sense of security, comfort and normalcy, even if the “new normal” is not what it used to be.

3. Unplug. No really, unplug. Wellness blogs have been advising us to take a break from tech since the internet was born. It’s advice we take or leave under normal circumstances, as is convenient for us. But now more than ever, it’s crucial to take a break from the (bad/confusing/alarming) news and noise. Set timers for yourself for how long you scroll or tune in. Turn instead to the tangible activities you can do at home or in nature. You might find that some of the weight of the world is temporarily lifted off your shoulders. 

The news cycle and the tweets will be there when you’re in the headspace  to return. Frankly, you won’t be missing much.

4. Practice gratitude. It’s so easy to fixate on the decaying state of the world, and to let that be the main focus of your thoughts and conversations. Make a special effort to pay attention to what IS working. Notice what’s going well, even in the small bubble of your life. There’s a big world out there, and everything about it could make us worry if we let it. Are your people healthy for now? Check. Did the sun come out? Sweet, that’s a win. Did your kids do their online homework last night? Miraculous! Did your banana bread come out perfect this time? You’re a master chef and a genius. Little things can become huge when we invite them in.

5. Help where you can. Are you in a special position to donate your time or resources? While frontline workers and tired parents understandably are excused from these activities, some people are in a unique position to give back. Many of those folks are itching to help any way they can. You can donate to local arts or buy restaurant gift cards for local hospital workers. If you are crafty, sew face masks to distribute to friends and neighbors. It’s a sense of doing something, anything to make a positive impact. 

If you haven’t been doing some of these things until now, that’s okay - what you do today matters. If you start taking small steps, you’re doing a better job of taking charge today than the day before. 

And, if you help with these things, we’re here for you. 

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Karen Lenz is the Office Whiz and Insurance Guru at People Bloom Counseling. She writes blog posts as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. She’s a homebody, so being stuck at home means more time for cooking, playing with the dog, and finally getting to work on house projects that she’s been putting off.

Couples in Quarantine: What to Do When your Partner is Driving you Bananas

Photo by Soroush Karimi on Unsplash

When “quality time” isn’t all that quality

Not sure about the rest of you, but this involuntary “quality time” is kicking my relationship’s ass. This, by far, is the longest and most uninterrupted one-on-one time most of us have likely had with our significant other(s). For some, maybe it’s bliss. For others, it’s frustrating as heck. It doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed forever, but you might be seeing some wrinkles and wanna iron some things out.

Your world just got smaller

The vast majority of our relationships blossomed when the world was still movin’ real fast. Maybe you were finishing up your college degree, working towards a promotion, relocating, or juggling kiddos as a single-working parent. It could have been new to cohabitate together, but independence was still an option, AKA you could leave. Now, instead of venting to your BFF over happy hour, you can go...to the other room? Not exactly the space some of us need following what Jerry Seinfeld refers to as a “spirited exchange of ideas.”

What does confinement bring out in you? 

Being confined to a certain square footage can bring out the worst, and sometimes best, in us. Maybe you are a thriving (but neurotic) home-body like myself, content with chipping away at the second round of spring cleaning… also expecting that your partner jubilantly participates :D. Maybe you need rest, blankies, and lots of internet bandwidth to support your Instagram scrolling and Hulu binges. Neither are wrong-- one does not seep of moral goodness more than the other. They’re just different, and both are okay. 

Brene Brown pointed out in her new podcast** that in times of stress and/or drastic change we tend to either overfunction or underfunction. Some of us do ALL OF THE THINGS in order to gain some false or fleeting sense of control. We organize, create, connect, and micro-manage. Some of us do ZERO OF THE THINGS. We implode internally and try to drown out the unimaginable with lots of sleep, comfort food, and maybe wine (definitely wine). When we feel overwhelmed or out of control, humans have different ways of responding. 

How to have more constructive arguments “spirited exchanges”

Mutually responsive and fulfilling relationships require both willingness to accept innate differences between ourselves and our partners, AND willingness to grow as individuals. We need to understand our emotional needs and have self-compassion for why they’re there (a huge benefit of therapy). We need to have courage and ask for these from our partner, AND we need faith that they will be willing to meet us there (therapy can also help with this). When I say meet us, I mean show up. When I say show up, I mean listen. When I say listen, I do not mean listen to respond-- I mean listen to understand. It’s impossible to hear our partner when our ego desperately fights to protect itself from shame. Instead of hearing our partner say we did a thing that was hurtful, shame creates a shit-ton of static and we hear that we are a thing that is hurtful.. This feels just ick. 

Your ego does a great job sabotaging you - but you can tame it

So what do we do when we feel ick? Try to stop it. This is our ego trying to repair itself by defending, justifying, overexplaining, or looking for faults in our partner’s story about us. While the ego’s job is to protect the “but-I’m-a-good-person” image we have of ourselves, we know it rarely leads to conflict resolution or genuine repair with our loved one. Neither party feels understood...so we try to be understood, and understood!, and UNDERSTOOD!!! until there is screaming, tears, hurt hearts, and sleepless nights. 

I was crushed (still recovering) after discovering that I, IN FACT, am capable of hurting the people I care about. Though I’d never intend to harm someone I love, I do sometimes. I am a flawed, imperfect human (SHOCK AND AWE). I don’t always say what I mean, I turn my day of poor self-esteem into a criticism grenade and throw it at my partner. It doesn’t make me a heartless butthead, it just makes me human-- makes US HUMAN. It’s a great first step to notice our protective mechanisms. Awareness and acknowledgement of the defense is a first step to learning how to respond differently. 

Get curious about yourself and your boo

There’s a lot of real crappy crap happening (and not happening) right now for all of us. Many are experiencing extreme grief, trauma, anxiety, or depression. It’s hard to be our best selves with so much unknown...so much loss...so much change...so much isolation. We’ve got differing opinions around how to best respond to this. Differences are hard. Please be patient with yourself around however you’re showing up to this, and please be patient with your loved one. Get curious about how your partner might be coping with these circumstances, how it’s impacting them. Are they over or underfunctioning? Are you over or underfunctioning? Can you talk about these things AND LISTEN to your partner with compassion...to really understand? And then… can you really apologize for your role in any hurt?  That’s for next time. 

Your SOS

If you’re having a hard time with this stuff, I can be your SOS. We can talk about your patterns and how you can get your needs met and meet the needs of your significant other. It’s ok to reach out for help. In fact, that’s one of the bravest things you can do right now, to use this quarantine time to work on your relationship, when both of you are home. Our therapists trained in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy get it, and we’re here for you to figure this out, together.  

*Some ideas from this blog was borrowed from Harriet Lerner’s Why Won’t You Apologize? Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts.

**Unlocking Us, podcast by Brene Brown.

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Abby Erickson is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps people with anxiety and social anxiety learn ways to better manage their angst. She also helps people struggling with low self-esteem and body image issues be comfortable in their own skin. During her time at home, she's drawing from the challenges and wins in her own relationship to help couples and individuals feel more secure in their most important relationships. She strongly believes feeling safe and secure with the people you rely on during a health pandemic can be just as important as having a stockpile of wine.

Why your Old Coping Skills Don’t Work During a Health Crisis and What to Do About it

Photo by Marvin Meyer on Unsplash

In Washington State, it has been 7.5 weeks since the first reported COVID death and six weeks since the shelter-in-place order. This all feels like a long time ago and also only a few weeks ago. We’ve all done our best at coping, at taking things day-by-day. Whether you’re a frontline worker, employed and working from home, or someone out of work, if you find that your old coping skills are not working like they used to, you’re not alone.  

There are a number of reasons why the usual coping methods haven’t worked:

1. Your access to coping strategies is limited. If you used to grab coffee with a friend, workout at the gym, or grocery shop for fun, those coping skills are no longer available to you. Meeting virtually is not the same, it’s hard to put structure around your online workouts and you’re needing to readjust your mask while dodging shoppers who are not respecting your six feet bubble. Whatever adaptation you’ve made to cope with the added stress has its limits.

2. You’re dipping in and out of survival mode. If you feel like you’ve gotten into a routine last week, there’s no guarantee that this next week will stay the same. If you had a work crunch where your self-care went out the window for just a few days, the impact of getting takeouts, staying sedentary and feeling socially disconnected can easily be amplified during a pandemic. It can be hard to maintain your gains. 

3. You have less bandwidth for curiosity and exploration. Pre-COVID, when there isn't a global state of threat, transition and overwhelm, you have more bandwidth to approach your children’s questions, your partner’s bad day, or the problem at work with curiosity. “What’s going on?” “Help me understand…” “How do I solve this?” On the other hand, when we’re under constant threat and stimulation, even a neutral event can make the best of us more irritated or withdrawn.

Emily Nagoski, a famous sex educator, describes two opposing responses when rats were placed in a normal stress, highly relaxed or highly stressful environments. Rats tend to either approach or avoid. In her TedTalk titled, “The keys to a happier, healthier sex life,” the lab rat experiment starts at minute 5:12 -

If you’re feeling more like, “Wah! What the hell is going on?!” that makes a lot of sense.

So when your usual coping skills are not working like they used to, what do you do? 

1. Develop new ways of coping. This seems like a no-brainer, but we all have a tendency to do more of the same while expecting different results. You will visit a coffee shop again, work out at the gym and leisurely gather items on your list at the grocery store — just not now. What are some things you can do now? Can you imagine building a vegetable garden for the first time, taking walks and discovering new streets in your neighborhood, or finally dusting off your sketchbook? Is an online yoga class more tolerable with a friend? When you gather your social circle and everyone actually put on real clothes and order pizza from Tutta Bella, would that make Zoom movie night feel more “together”?

2. Be okay with some ups and downs and take baby steps. If you didn’t take care of yourself as well as you could have before, it is okay to start today. Expect that you’ll be thrown off schedule at times, and then get back on. Do you need to safeguard your Sundays to prepare for the week? How much takeout is too much? Would doing 20-minutes of a workout be better than doing none? Just as the cumulative effects of stress are felt over time, so are the cumulative effects of self-care.  

3. Reach out for help when you want it, not just when in need. If you’re used to toughing it out, now is not the best time. You don’t have to wait until you’ve hit rock bottom to ask for help. Your difficulties make sense and your friends can come alongside you to share your burdens. Dare to ask for a check-in, a card, a care package, a surprise. Be patient because it’s more effort making it to the post office, because Amazon deliveries take longer. And for once, stop thinking about giving back. Just receive and know that this is someone else thinking and caring for you. 

If you need help, don’t hesitate to reach out. We’re here for you.

Warmly,
Ada

If there’s a way to Tell Frontline Workers They’re Doing a Phenomenal Job

You’re doing more than a good job. You’re phenomenal. 

You're the engine that makes all things go
And you're always in disguise, my hero
I see your light in the dark
Smile in my face when we all know it's hard
There's no way to ever pay you back
Bless your heart, know I love you for that
Honest and selfless
I don't know if this helps it, but

Good job, you're doin' a good job, a good job
You're doin' a good job
Don't get too down
The world needs you now
Know that you matter, matter, matter, yeah
You're doin' a good job, a good job
You're doin' a good job
Don't get too down
The world needs you now
Know that you matter, matter, matter, yeah

Six in the morning
And soon as you walk through that door
Everyone needs you again
The world's out of order
It's not as sound when you're not around
All day on your feet, hard to
Keep that energy, I know
When it feel like the end of the road
You don't let go
You just press forward

You're the engine that makes all things go
And you're always in disguise, my hero
I see your light in the dark
Smile in my face when we all know it's hard
There's no way to ever pay you back
Bless your heart, know I love you for that
Honest and selfless
I don't know if this helps it, but 

Good job, you're doin' a good job, a good job
You're doin' a good job
Don't get too down
The world needs you now
Know that you matter, matter, matter, yeah
You're doin' a good job, a good job
You're doin' a good job
Don't get too down
The world needs you now
Know that you matter, matter, matter, yeah 

The mothers, the fathers, the teachers that reach us
Strangers to friends that show up in the end
From the bottom to the top, the listeners that hear us
This is for you, you make me fearless

You're doin' a good job, a good job (Oh)
You're doin' a good job
Don't get too down
The world needs you now
Know that you matter, matter, matter, yeah

-Alicia Keys, ‘Good Job’

You matter, a whole lot. Thank you.

The Three Important Elements of Self-Care for All Times, but Especially Now

Image by aedrozda from Pixabay

It has been over a month since our Gov. Jay Inslee issued a “stay-at-home” order” order in WA. Usually, a month goes by and we don’t even notice. But, the quote circulating around social media is funny because it’s true: it really does feel like there are five years in April. Ok maybe not five years, but it does feel like we’re on the 12th week of April at my house!

Just when you think you have transitioned, think again

Now that we’ve had six weeks of practice (or, 5 years depending on how you experience time), we should have it down by now, right?! After all, we just need to carve out a space to work from home, make a schedule of things to do with the kids, meal prep for the whole week, cook endlessly, remember to fit in workouts because that’s what healthy people do, and then repeat. No big deal. 

Just writing all that makes me want to crawl back into bed. 

Whether you’re an essential worker who’s exhausted from your shifts, someone working from home or recently unemployed, or a parent who never signed up to homeschool your kids, it has been one adjustment after another. With the constant transition of new protocols at work, no school during spring break to now five assignments a day, it can be easy to forget what self-care looks like for you. Before the pandemic, you used to know how to do this, but now it takes so much more.

Self-care according to popular culture

Most people think about self-care as eating well, sleeping well, regular exercise, meditation, etc. It is all that and then some. Taking care of your basic needs is only one aspect of taking care of yourself. While doing the basics can be stabilizing during a health crisis; you might find yourself needing more with the passing of time. While you might not feel like you have the bandwidth to do more, engaging in these activities can actually strengthen your bandwidth. 

Do productive work 

Statewide, nearly half a million people are unemployed from the coronavirus. Meanwhile, people on the frontlines might feel like they’ve worked multiple shifts in one. In either case, we’d need to redefine work. If you went from having a regular work schedule to now being out of work and stuck at home, productive work is no longer limited to paid work. Instead, it can mean navigating the unemployment website, looking for a job, scheduling out your week with activities that are a little bit challenging, but not overly so, and actually doing them. If you’re a frontline worker and you often leave work feeling like there’s more work to be done, it’s a different strategy for you as well. 

If you’re unemployed

Self-mastery is a fancy term that speaks to gaining a sense of mastery over your life by doing things that help you feel more confident and in control. This is especially crucial during a time when you did not choose your circumstances, and things are very shitty right now. Self-mastery involves doing tasks that require some effort, but you’ll feel good about yourself when you’ve done them. Here are some additional examples of productive work during our shelter-in-place:

• Take care of your personal hygiene even if you have nowhere to go

• Pick up and sort through mail 

• Do laundry

• Clean up around the house 

• Take care of people in your home

When you don’t have income coming in, it can be tempting to stop all forms of work. But, when you engage in activities that you know need to get done, it can help you feel a sense of accomplishment, that today counted for something. It’s not meant to be life changing; but it can help move the needle forward in the slightest ways.

If you’re a frontline worker

If you’re not asked to do more during each shift, you might be “strongly urged” to pick up additional shifts. With needs that don’t seem to be letting up, it’s hard to feel like you’ve done enough after a day’s work. And no matter what you did, there were things outside of your control. Perhaps a patient died during your shift, you came back to a warehouse full of next day deliveries, you could’ve been even more thorough with disinfecting that near empty office… Did you make a dent today? 

You did. 

You did the best that you could for the day. Unless you’re a robot, your best fluctuates each day. With the current state of affairs, it’s hard to be firing on all cylinders, day after day. So productive work is more about having done your best and then coming back the next day and being okay with your best then too. 

It can also help for productive work for frontline workers to include non-paid work. Having a small project where you get to see the beginning, middle and end could help you feel like you were able to tie a bow on something. Here are some examples: 

• Putter around in the yard and plant something 

• Change out that burned out bulb 

• Cook your favorite comfort food recipe

• Clean out your garage (Yes, this can be a big ask. Even just a corner of it is enough)

• Tackle a jigsaw puzzle that is a bit difficult for you

Engaging in these or other activities can remind you there are ways to feel accomplished outside of work. And, work is not all that there is. 

Take care of basic needs

So, what are our basic needs? It’s actually a pretty long list:

• Rest the brain with sleep

• Drink water

• Stay hygienic 

• Eat food that fuels the body 

• Empty our bladder and bowel 

• Feel safe in our environment 

• Have a shelter over our head 

• Wear comfortable clothing 

While none of the above are rocket science, we do put our bodies through a lot and expect it to bounce back. With the stress of life, we may sometimes forgo some basic needs without recognizing it. And yet, it is especially during these trying times that we need to pay close attention to our basic needs. Because, when was the time you did the following:

• Stayed up too late or stayed in bed for too long? 

• Felt dehydrated?

• Fished clothing out of the dirty laundry basket?

• Ate what you knew would make your body feel bad, ate too much or skipped meals? 

• Held your pee or your poop when you needed to go? 

• Ignored your body’s signals when you felt either too cold or too warm?

• Stayed in the same posture for way too long?

When we’re not in a pandemic, we may go through moments where we ate out a lot, got little sleep, survived on energy drinks and (hopefully) recovered. When things are going awry, taking care of our basic needs is a buffer against the constant stress and illness. It doesn’t mean you have to do everything perfectly, but being mindful of the elements that are missing and being intentional about ways to bring them back would be helpful.

Make time to play

It’s not enough to do productive work and take care of your basic needs; you also need to find time to play. If you equate cleaning with play and find it exciting to meal prep many times over, these activities help, to a certain extent. You also need to laugh, to have fun, to allow room for creative endeavors. 

When there’s a shortage of time and money, here are possible solutions: 

• Show up for a scheduled online board game

• Work on an art project 

• Go for a bike ride with your kids

• Take a walk and notice the blooming flowers and young leaves

• Try a new recipe 

• Play your guitar, piano, cello, something

• Try an online class that you’ve been meaning to take in person 

• Do kids yoga as a family, even when you don’t have kids

• Watch this short video about how a music teacher is coping with teaching online:

The key here is not to achieve something; that’s under the section of productive work. Rather, it is to have a good belly laugh, to let yourself cut loose, and to share fun times. There are enough seriousness, restraint, and unknown in the world right now. People’s opinions about COVID will always be there. You’ll hear about plans for re-entry when it comes. Trips to the grocery store aren’t going to feel normal for a while.  But when you play, you’re shaking off the cumulative stress. 

It’s the restoration we can all use right now.

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Hi, I’m Ada. Here’s how I’m (trying) to practice what I preach -

• For productive work, I wrote this blog post today.

• For basic needs, I made too much food last week and too little this week. Next week, I might have a better handle on things. I’ll do my best then. 

• For play, I’m taking an online class where I learn to illustrate recipes. It actually works better for my schedule. 

I hope you find your work, (body) care and play too. 

Warmly,
Ada

Finding Small Moments of Joy and Connection Through the Health Pandemic

Photo by taylor hernandez on Unsplash

Wow! What an incredibly stressful time full of unknowns! As we’re all sheltering-in-place, please be kind to yourself and those around you. Maybe get out of the house and take a walk, do an online exercise class or try a new recipe. Read a book you’ve been putting off, share something new with your children that you loved as a child… Engage in activities that will help you feel healthy and sane.

Connection is more important now than ever

Reading through some of our previous blog posts, I was struck by something Karen said about our need for connection:

So many people live in solitude and wish they had more connection. We all know that feeling lonely is emotionally distressing, but science also confirms that it can lead to a whole slew of health problems. And conversely, people who are well connected live longer and happier lives.

Karen called it “The loneliness epidemic,” and that phrase certainly is hitting home for a lot more people during this outbreak. Not everyone has pets or a partner or children at home to help them through this time. Some people are not only staying home under a mandatory shelter-in-place order, but they are also doing it completely alone.

Connection with others is what buffers us during times of stress. The more stressed we are, the more we need to feel connected to others. To know that we’re in the company of people who care and understand normalizes our experiences. Their connecting with us helps to lower our cortisol levels. Their presence, even on a screen, can help to co-regulate our emotional ups and downs. 

If you know of someone in your life who feels alone right now, please reach out and check on them. It can mean the world to them. 

A heartwarming sense of community all around

It’s one of the most amazing things I’ve seen come out of this whole scary, crazy time in the world: a renewed sense of community. I’ve been connecting with friends over video chat everyday, scheduling virtual happy hours with people I love near and far but have not previously taken the time to do so with. It’s been refreshing and given me something to look forward to each day. This helps to break up my week when the days feel blurred together. Though I don’t live alone, it has reminded me that my network is not as small as it sometimes feels.

Good things are still happening from the safety of our homes

There is so much scary stuff going on in the news, and everyone is probably experiencing information overload. But in the safety of our homes, people are dancing, playing, creating, and loving. And I have some good news as well amidst all the chaos!

My boyfriend of five years popped the question during the first week of the stay-at-home order! It’s a strange time to get engaged, but it was such exciting news to share with our loved ones. We made a huge effort to make phone and video calls to share it before we posted it on social media. 

We had a family member who wanted to buy us dinner to celebrate, but due to the outbreak we will not be able to see them for who knows how long. They sent us a photo of their credit card and told us to find the nicest restaurant in Seattle that we could that was still offering takeout. We brought dinner home with a bottle of wine and ate with our family over FaceTime. It wasn’t traditional, but it was lovely.

While we are living with a cloud of dread over us, we also continue to live our lives from our homes, the sweet moments, the family time - good and bad, is still happening and life quietly goes on.

Some of these changes are for the good

My boyfriend, er, FIANCE and I fortunately have not yet grown sick of each other. I have actually felt our connection grow during our forced togetherness because we are taking the time to do things we never have the time to do. We have been taking walks around our neighborhood a few days a week. We are watching documentaries and learning new things. People out on the street are saying hello to each other, even if it’s from six feet away. I’m appreciating the smells of trees, the beautiful sight of cherry blossoms when I go outside.

I’m hopeful that some of the social changes happening will stick around long after this pandemic. I want to hold onto our desire to connect again, to appreciate the outdoors more, to be more creative.

I hope you are finding a new appreciation for simple things too.

Reach out  - we are here for you

If you or anyone you know is experiencing the loneliness epidemic, please reach out to us. We are a dedicated team of clinicians ready to connect with you online. We know a thing or two about working from home, trips to the store, everyone being home and how to creatively connect with people who matter to us. 

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Sarah Reijnen is the Director of First Impressions at People Bloom Counseling, the latest addition to our tribe. It has been a crazy time to begin training for a new job! While learning the ropes as the new intake whiz, she is also in the midst of completing her  internship in Marriage and Family Therapy. She loves sunshine, paddle boarding and dogs of any kind.

A Simple Word Exercise to Help Frontline Workers Decompress During their Breaks

Photo by Ashkan Forouzani on Unsplash

Being Adaptive

I once went to a training where an ex-firefighter turned marriage counselor told the story of post-911 rescue efforts. He was in a damaged building next to “the Pile” with his buddies, looking for survivors. They moved cautiously and strategically for fear that what remains of the building would collapse. They had to muster up the courage to keep going and push aside any feelings of vulnerability. It was only when they were back at the station could they commiserate about being incredibly scared that they might not make it back to their families. 

He went on to explain that the most adaptive people he knows are those who have learned when to turn their emotions on and when to turn them off. It’s not functional to wall off your family at home because you’re still in work mode, and nor is it helpful to melt into a puddle at work. 

This is not to say you can’t have a bad day at work, especially during a time like this. I’m not going there with you right now, not in this post. I am explaining how I’ve structured these exercises as a way to help you turn on and off your emotions, depending on where you are in your shift.

Statements to help prepare you for work, during work and after work

Below are statements that I’ve come up with to help ground you throughout the day. While I’m not in your line of work, I try to put myself in your shoes and walk around in them as I reflect on what statements could be helpful. If you can come up with better statements, or can ask your partner, your kids to give you a phrase to remember at work, please do. “Mom, I’m so proud of the work that you are doing!” is a good one. Remember that some statements may be more helpful at certain times than others. Statements like, “Daddy, I miss you! Come home to us!” may trigger more vulnerable feelings at the beginning of your shift than when you’re on your way home.

As you read the statements out loud to yourself with an emphasis on each of the bolded words, please let that statement sink in, time and again. The statement may feel differently to you, depending on where the emphasis is. They’re meant to help anchor you into the reality of the statement, to steady you, so please don’t be so quick to brush them aside. While they’ll not magically make you feel better in the moment, with practice, they can help you feel more present and centered. Reading them out loud and taking your time with them is the best way to practice this exercise but it’s also possible to do the emphasis quietly within. Read it together with a colleague, six feet apart, except for when you’re in the loo, of course. Or, read it by yourself.

Before your shift

The last day you worked is behind you. Whether that was just hours ago or a few days ago, it’s most helpful to focus on what’s ahead. While our mind might want to trick you into thinking that you’re still reliving a past experience, your body resets every time you wake up. Today is indeed a new day. 

The past is behind me. Today is a new day. 

The past is behind me. Today is a new day. 

The past is behind me. Today is a new day. 

The past is behind me. Today is a new day. 

The past is behind me. Today is a new day. 

The past is behind me. Today is a new day. 

The past is behind me. Today is a new day. 

The past is behind me. Today is a new day. 

The past is behind me. Today is a new day. 

The past is behind me. Today is a new day. 

During your bathroom break

You’re taking a breather but you don’t have a lot of time. Instead of scrolling through your phone while you’re on the can, read this statement instead: 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself. 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself. 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself.

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself. 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself. 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself. 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself. 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself. 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself. 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself. 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself.

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself. 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself.

During your lunch break 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

On your way home

You have carried the weight of the day on your shoulders; it’s now time to let go of that load. Up until now, you’ve needed to wall off your vulnerable emotions to stay sane and do your job well. It’s time to turn them back on. If that means you need to cry in the car, shake your body out (in no particular fashion), call up a good friend, pray to your higher power... do what you need to do. Then consider this last statement to prepare you to go home: 

My shift is behind me. My family is before me. 

My shift is behind me. My family is before me. 

My shift is behind me. My family is before me. 

My shift is behind me. My family is before me. 

My shift is behind me. My family is before me. 

My shift is behind me. My family is before me. 

My shift is behind me. My family is before me. 

My shift is behind me. My family is before me. 

My shift is behind me. My family is before me. 

My shift is behind me. My family is before me. 

And please make it safely home.

Warmly,
Ada

Resources for Exhausted Front-line Workers During the COVID-19 Outbreak

Photo by 烧不酥在上海 老的 on Unsplash

This one’s for the cashiers. The janitors. The delivery drivers. The food packagers and the gas station attendants.  It’s for the doctors, the nurses, therapists and front desk crew at the ER. To anyone who’s working overtime while the world stands still in fear, we want to sincerely thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

While half of your friends and loved ones are unemployed and figuring out what to do with newfound free time, you’re working round the clock. You’re overwhelmed, burned out, and constantly worried. We see you and we want to thank you for putting yourself in the front lines during a pandemic. You are essential. 

We’ve compiled a short list of community resources that will hopefully help you get through the coming weeks.

Mental health sessions at free or reduced rates for frontline workers

Seattle COVID Worker Care Network 

Washington COVID-19 Mental Health Network

CORONAVIRUS online therapy

Project Parachute: Pro Bono Teletherapy for COVID-19 Frontliners

Free mindfulness apps and workout videos 

If you have time after a long shift, take a yoga class and stretch it out with the following free resources -

Downdog App is offering free workout videos through July 1st.

Headspace has free access to meditations through 2020.

The YMCA regularly releases free workout videos.

Orangetheory helps you work your whole body in 40-ish minute segments.

Free food and additional perks for frontline workers

Food freebies according to Business Insider

Additional perks listed in the Seattle PI

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We hope that you are able to find time for yourself to reset on a regular basis. To say that you deserve it is an understatement.

Warmly,
The Tribe at People Bloom

Adapting Sleep Habits During COVID-19 - 11 Helpful Tips

Photo by Tracey Hocking on Unsplash

Information overload

If you’re anything like me, you might be inundated with COVID information from Newsfeed, Zoom call and WhatsApp with friends and colleagues, and well-meaning articles shared by your partner. Some content is clearly helpful and others a total waste of time. 

Or, you’re in the frontlines, rushing patients to the hospital, admitting and treating patients, cleaning in “essential business” buildings, delivering our Amazon packages, our mail, bagging our groceries. Things are absolutely overwhelming and you’re thoroughly exhausted after your shifts. It’s hard to turn your mind off even when you’re lying in bed, trying to rest. 

When our lives have been turned upside down, the coping skills that used to help don’t anymore. The same can be said of our sleep routine, especially when our schedules are also off. 

As a therapist, I’ve adapted these tried and true sleep habits that will hopefully help us with this continued transition. Sleep is essential because our mind and our body need rest. 

Here are 11 tips to improve sleep problems, further adapted given our health crisis: 

1. “Wind down” before bedtime – When your mind is still reliving the day or you were busy catching up with your family right before you crash into bed, you really haven’t prepared your mind for rest. For an hour before bedtime, do something calming and mindless, like light book reading, crocheting, listening to soothing music, taking a warm bath, or moving through gentle yoga. Avoid blue light from screens as they disrupt your body’s production of melatonin. Practice relaxation and breathing exercises to help clear your mind and lull you to sleep.

2. Jot down your to-do’s and worries - If you’re laying in bed and your mind starts to ruminate, keep a notepad nearby for quick notes. Now is not the time to start writing a novel; rather it is the practice of letting go of your thoughts and worries. The paper will hold them for you; you can refer back to it when you wake up. 

3. Keep bed only for sleep – Do not stream Netflix, talk on the phone, scroll through FB, review work or solve problems while in bed. Go to bed only when you are drowsy and ready for sleep. 

4. If you don’t fall asleep within 30 minutes, get up – Go to another area of your house and do something relaxing until you feel drowsy. This is especially true if you woke up in the middle of the night and you have trouble falling back asleep. If it helps, keep warm and comfortable clothing nearby to help you transition out of bed. When you only come back to bed feeling tired, this will help associate your bed with sleep and rest. 

5. Aim for your optimal sleep amount - While the word on the street is that an average of eight hours of sleep is optimal for the human body, what is optimal depends on your body. Some people need 10. Others are happy with six. Aim for the amount that would help you function during your waking hours. 

6. Have a regular bedtime and rising time – You might be working 12-hour shifts or shifts that are unlike your usual schedule. To the extent that you can go to sleep and wake up at around the same time everyday, your body has less adjusting to do. If in general, your sleep schedule is way off, incrementally shift your sleep and wake time by 30-min until you’ve adapted to the new schedule. After your body has adapted to sleeping by 12am and waking up at 8am, you can make another 30-min incremental change by going to sleep at 11:30pm and waking up by 7:30am, for example.

7. Limit naps – A midday nap as short as 10 minutes can improve mood and mental performance. However, limit your nap to 15 minutes and don’t take it later than 4pm, or the nap may interfere with your sleep cycle.

8. Stay active during the day – Sheltering-in-place has changed up the way people are working out. Or, with your busier than normal shifts, you might be doubling the number of steps on your Fitbit. If your routine is very sedentary, leave the house on a nice walk, run on a less busy street or jump onto the many at-home workouts on YouTube. On the contrary, if your feet hurt at the end of the day from too much commotion, do some gentle stretching to help your body wind down. 

9. Decrease stimulants – Avoid smoking, drinking coffee, caffeinated tea or soda after 4pm.

10. Limit water intake before bedtime – Perhaps you already have the habit of needing to take a leak in the middle of the night. If you have a full bladder, it will disrupt your sleep. Drink less liquids and go to the bathroom one last time before you climb into bed. 

11. Inspect your bedroom environment – Depending on whether you or your partner need to be quarantined or whether you’re concerned about infecting your family as a frontline worker, you might be adapting to a sleeping arrangement. Look around the space where you’ve camped: Is the space dark and free of noise? Is your bed comfortable? Is the room temperature comfortable and preferably a bit on the cool side? Do you feel safe and serene in this environment? If not, what would help create that sense of safety and security? Add images that are calming – a picture of your family, a pet, an outdoor scene, a comforting item, a poem. Move small furniture around to make this space yours. We’ll be here for a while.

Taking small steps

Just because I listed 11 steps does not mean you have to do all 11. I’m guessing you’re already doing some of these things and there are also areas that you can improve on. Honestly, it’s still a work in progress for me. 

Getting good and adequate sleep is essential for our immune system right now. I hope this helps your mind and body recover to face the day ahead. 

Warmly,
Ada

A Letter to Janitors During the Coronavirus

Photo by Verne Ho on Unsplash

Dear Janitor, 

When I was a kid, my parents worked a bunch. We were still living in Hong Kong at the time. Mom taught at a private school and dad was a technician for a local telephone company. They were busy and my sister and I were often the last ones to get picked up from school. I remember getting to know the cleaning crew who could be heard vacuuming, emptying the trash, scrubbing. They were friendly and hard workers, like my parents. 

Fast forward a few decades. I’m at my first job out of grad school and I was often the last to leave. I got to befriend the janitors there. Hector was Filipino and John white. When John had a birthday, Hector and I sang him Happy Birthday. Eventually, John moved onto a different job. As did I, but it was hard to say goodbye to Hector. 

Now as a business owner, I still find myself leaving late. While I’ve gotten better at it, I do sometimes stay until the cleaning crew arrives. I love saying hi and bye to them because they’re hard workers and their jobs are very important. When they listen to music in their own language while they work, I feel right at home. They keep our offices very clean and they go above and beyond to vacuum our couches! 

I can’t appreciate them enough. 

I can’t appreciate you enough. 

You empty our hospital’s garbage, now containing infectious materials. You take extra care to scrub down every surface and disinfect door knobs, light switches, every nook and cranny to keep us safe, even if that means more work during each shift. During this health pandemic, you wonder if you might get infected and in turn get your family sick. Yet, you still show up; to provide for your family; to help the rest of us. 

You do your job well so we can do ours. For that, I can’t thank you enough. 

I hope you go home healthy to your family. 

Warmly,
Ada