5 Tips for Getting Through the Holiday Dinner with Dietary Restrictions

Photo by Christiann Koepke on Unsplash

Time for another “how to get through the holidays” blog! Today, I’m going commiserate with you about how hard it is to eat around other people when you have food restrictions. This is especially true around the holidays. 

Holidays with people you don’t know well

There’s a reason there are so many advice columns for how to get through holiday gatherings, and it’s not because we are all socially inept knuckleheads. We need special guidance during the holidays because it’s the season for spending quality time with family but also a mixed bag of acquaintances we don’t know well. In daily life, our friends know us, including our quirky dietary restrictions, and they accept us for who we are. We share common interest with our chosen family and probably feel a little less pressure and judgment from the kickball team, your best buds at happy hour, or the book club gals. During the holidays you’re trapped around a table with your disapproving in-laws, your boss’ wife, or your Uncle Waylon, and they quickly remind you that your food preferences are, for a lack of a better word, weird.

Where there’s a holiday, there will be food.

If you’re one of the many people trying to follow a strict diet this season, this is for you. Dietary restrictions are becoming more common than ever. If you’ve hosted a gathering in the last few years and tried to accommodate everyone’s preferences, you probably found it’s nearly impossible. I have been both the host and the guest with food intolerances, and every year I learn new tricks for getting through the holiday season without starving or going insane.

There are countless reasons why we may have a preference for certain food choices. I avoid certain foods because of autoimmune disease. But you could have diabetes, you could be trying to have a healthier relationship with food, or you may have allergies. Maybe you’re just keto-curious or you just want to detox. You could be a recovering alcoholic. Your reasons are personal to you.

Not wanting to offend anybody

Homemade dishes are also deeply personal to the cook.  People are often passionate about sharing their food. The green bean casserole Aunt Marie brought is a family recipe passed down generations. She may not be able fathom how anyone could turn down the dish she poured her heart into.

I get it. Food is a sensitive and tricky topic to navigate, so if you’re the one who has dietary restrictions, here are some tips for a stress-free holiday dinner:    

1. Find out what’s being served and set expectations

It’s ok to ask the host what’s on the menu in advance. If there are dishes that you really want to sample that may be safe, ask the host to share the recipes with you.

When you speak with the host, make it clear that they don’t have to go out of their way for you. You have lived with your food restrictions long enough to know not to expect to be able to eat much of the food, and have found ways around it.  

Some hosts want to make sure everyone is taken care of and will accommodate your needs, at least with a dish or two. When that happens, it’s ok to accept people’s kindness. Tell them it’s not necessary, but thank them kindly if they insist.

You already know that when you leave your house, many foods might become off limits. Expect to put in your time with mixed company and eat the items you can eat, knowing  that you may still be hungry when you get home. Be prepared to go home to enjoy your second dinner in your comfy pants later.

2. Bring a dish to share

Hopefully you’ve had a chance to explore food you can eat that you love. If you love it, share it! Cook a dish that will be satisfying to you that can be shared with everyone, and not just dessert. It should be part of the meal so that you can feel like you’re really participating in the dining experience. You can mention it’s dairy/sugar/nut or whatever free, and see everyone’s delight when they realize vegan food can be delicious! Or, if you prefer to avoid the topic (more on that below), don’t mention it and enjoy the meal without making a big deal. 

3. Be unapologetic

I used to be embarrassed about my dietary restrictions. I felt so out of place in gatherings when I was the only one on a special diet. I didn’t like the attention it put on me if my plate was emptier than everyone else’s because I couldn’t eat much.

I especially never wanted a host to make anything special - hosting is hard enough, and I didn’t want to be a nuisance. Over the years I learned to let that go. If the host made me something specially, I am now grateful and feel cared for rather than guilty. It’s a bit like accepting a compliment: doing it with grace takes a lifetime of practice, but you realize it saves a lot of awkwardness if you learn to appreciate the sentiment instead of arguing.

Do remember your truth. You know why you eat a certain way, and sometimes it’s hard to stay true to your needs in a holiday gathering. Before sitting down to dinner, remember this mantra: My diet is my business, it’s important to me, and I don’t have to answer to everyone. It’s great to say this to yourself, but how do you handle rude questions, curiosity and advice from people who know nothing about the topic? This leads to the next tip… 

4. Expect a running commentary

People are curious about things that are different or strange to them. People can also be opinionated, especially about food! They will ask if your dietary restriction is a choice or an allergy. But, it’s your body after all! They’ll ask what nightshades will do to you if you eat them. Well, they’ll never fully know or understand! Explicit detail about what it will do to your intestinal tract is really not for the dinner table.

When dinner guests make comments, refer back to the mantra above. Unless you really want to talk about it, it’s ok to not answer questions.  So… What do you say when it comes up? If it makes you uncomfortable, feel free to say, “Yes, I avoid dairy, but I prefer not to discuss the reasons while eating. Sometimes it’s good to just enjoy the meal without getting too in depth.” You can also add a little humor to it: “I really want to spare you the details because it’s a real appetite spoiler!” Keep your tone casual and light. If they keep pushing it - that’s on them.

5. Notice how you participate and practice letting go

Some people with dietary restrictions are happy to share their reasons with a crowd. If you do decide to share, notice how your contribution might be received by those around you. You may eat a certain way because it’s ethical and leaves a small footprint. That’s wonderful! But just because you’re annoyed by Uncle Waylon’s snarky comments about how you’re eating rabbit food and need to get some meat on your bones, doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to impose your lifestyle on him. He can eat his turkey in peace as well. There’s a time and place for sharing your truth, and holiday gatherings might not be one of those times. I know you’re passionate about your values and want to get the word out - but you can guess how well it will go when you tell Uncle Waylon about the conditions at the slaughterhouse. Hint: not well. People can be set in their ways, and the hour you have around the dinner table is likely not going to change anyone’s mind.

Other considerations

It’s ok not to engage if you don’t want to

How about the dinner guests that make comments or try to dissuade you from your diet? Try to change the topic. I used to get annoyed when people brought up the fad nature of a gluten free diet and assume it was a choice. Some would cite articles about how the harmfulness of gluten has been debunked. But they don’t know my particular condition. My autoimmune disease = not compatible with gluten.

There was a time I would get defensive, explaining the blood/brain barrier and how it destroys my stomach lining over time, etc. etc. I realized that by getting into it, I was encouraging a discussion that I didn’t want to be having. Jim and Janet might not actually care to know the science behind my food restrictions, and it’s not a great topic to discuss in mixed company anyway. If I had just let it go and not cared what they think, we all would have had a nicer time at that gathering.

This is the art of letting go.

You get to decide whether or not you want to discuss it

If you don’t mind getting into the details, then refer back to tip no. 3: try to be unabashed in conversation too, not just in your mind. Stand up for your decisions and state your point of view - it can be a worthy discussion. It doesn’t reflect on you that others don’t understand or respect your lifestyle. It might not be the right time or maybe the two of you can just agree to disagree. Whether you talk about it or not is up to you; it’s not your job to make others comfortable with your explanations or justifications about your life.

Enjoy the challenge

Wishing you and your boss, your uncle’s girlfriend, and your mother-in-law a peaceful holiday gathering this year! I can’t help you when politics come up around the dinner table, but maybe this article will help you keep the topic of your gluten-free stuffing from escalating into a whole “thing.” 

Happy holidays to you and yours from everyone here at People Bloom! We look forward to serving you in 2020!

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Karen Lenz is the Office Whiz Extraordinaire at People Bloom Counseling. She writes blog posts as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. She is looking forward to trying out a new cashew cheese quiche recipe on her unsuspecting family. If they are wowed, that’s a win. And if they don’t like it - well, more for her!

Teens: 7 Tips to Help a Friend who’s Feeling Suicidal

Photo by Duy Pham on Unsplash

Dating myself

When I was a teen in the mid-90’s, the internet was just becoming a thing. Rumors were spread through word of mouth or note passing. I know. Hard to believe. When high school drama happened, the same news lasted for days, sometimes weeks. It meant that if I had a spat with one group of friends and tried to join another, I had time to go through the highs and lows of what happened.

Comparing myself to others was inevitable, but was limited only to people I knew. Popular culture still held impossible beauty standards, but photoshop did not exist back then. Mario Kart and Street Fighter were the video and arcade games of the time and shows like 13 Reasons Why were unfathomable. I was an average student and the pressure to excel and competitive college admission were not nearly as grueling as they are today.

It’s so different being a teen in 2019.

If I were a teen today

I’ve visited schools like Redmond High, Lake Washington, and Bellevue High and I try to imagine what it’s like to walk the halls as a student. That would probably be hard to pull off. But I still try to imagine it.

I wonder if I would feel included. Would I put on my ear buds and appear to not care?
Fire drills would be as boring as they were in the 90s, but how would I feel about active shooter drills?

Scrolling through Instagram, would I obsess over who my ex is talking to? I imagine the thoughts that would run through my mind incessantly: I wonder if he’s talking to Kenzie. Why can’t I get my IG posts to look like Kenzie’s? Why did I wear these tights today? My over-sized sweater isn’t oversized enough to cover my butt. I don’t feel ready for the math quiz even though I stayed up until 1am, studying for it. Sam will probably ask me if I want any edibles again. Awkward.

That’s probably a toned down version of what some of you might be going through. There is so much pressure on teens to be and do and act a certain way. Sometimes, the pressures of life push people to the brink of considering ending their lives, even if these thoughts and feelings are fleeting.

Jack Klott, an expert on suicide prevention talks about thoughts of suicide being a common experience. When life feels unbearable, suicide is seen as a way to end the pain. While this may not be your experience, here is how to help a friend who is feeling suicidal.

Tips for helping a friend who talks about wanting to end their life

1. Try to stay calm – I say try to because I know it’s not easy. Your friend is talking about wanting to do something that’s completely irreversible and you ought to take their words seriously. But, when you’re freaking out, it can send the message that they should’ve never told anyone and cue them to go back to isolating themselves.

2. Thank them for telling you – it takes a lot of courage to admit that they’re struggling and struggling to this extent. In an age of image crafting where people put their best everything forward, any signs of vulnerability should be encouraged. Yes, whether they’re telling you for the 1st time or the Nth time, thank them for sharing with you.

3. Tell them they mean a lot to you – one of the reasons why people want to end their lives is because they didn’t think life is worth living. People stay alive because they’re hopeful about the future, because they have friends and family who care about them, because they cannot leave their dog, because their faith prohibits them, because the physical pain will be too much, and for many other reasons. While you are not responsible for their life, you can be a potential reason for them to choose to live. Tell them they matter to you.

4. Touch base with them – even though you may not know how to help your friend who feels suicidal, staying in touch sends the message that you care. Your presence, your willingness to be in their lives is telling them, “I see you. I’m here for you. How are you today?”

5. Tell them about the following resources:

   • Teen Link is a confidential and anonymous hotline in WA staffed by teen volunteers trained to talk to other teens who are going through a tough time: call or text (866) 833-6546.

   • National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: (800) 273-TALK (8255) or text CONNECT to 741741 in the United States.

   • TrevorLifeline for the LGBTQ community: (866) 488-7386 or text START to 678678 in the United States.

   • Now Matters Now has many videos to help people deal with suicidal thoughts

6. Talk to an adult – you are a teen yourself, feeling some of the same pressures mentioned. Don’t bear this burden alone or amongst your friend group. Even if your friend who disclosed disclosed in confidence that you keep this a secret, we take thoughts and talks of suicide very seriously. Tell a coach, a teacher, a school counselor, a parent. Any adult. They have access to more resources and have more life experiences and training to get help for your friend.

7. Take care of yourself – it’s hard being the one holding the weight of this disclosure. A part of being able to share the burden with adults is so you can free up some space to take care of you. Please talk to others about how you’re doing. Keep going to your basketball practice, jamming out to Taylor Swift, and doing all the things you used to care about. You’re not responsible for your friend but you are responsible for you.

Support for you

If you need someone to talk to about these matters or the challenges of being a teen, we’re here for you. Bob Russell sees a lot of teen boys and Abby Erickson, girls. Let us know how we can help.

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. She’s committed to helping people find a life worth living, no matter their age. 

We All Judge Others Sometimes...and Here's Why we Should Cut it Out

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. 
-Plato

Jumping to judgement 

Go with me on this, because I know we’ve all been here. You’re sitting at a restaurant table, patiently awaiting the arrival of your meal. Ya know...that in-between time when you’re sipping your “fun” drink and also trying to sift the lemon seed out of your water. You’re chatting with that friend, partner, coworker, or maybe your mother across from you. There is a lull in conversation, and you both look aside to see another woman settling into her seat across the restaurant. 

Your table guest looks back at you and says, “Woah, that gal clearly did not check her backside in the mirror before she left...she should not be wearing those pants;” she giggles passively with widened eyes and a sideways glance. Something about it doesn’t feel quite right as you receive her words. Half smiling, you respond, “Yeah, I know, right?” A tinge of relief sweeps over as you notice your server making his way to your table with entrees in hand. 

Not having it 

F*ck. That. Shit. Why is it that we consider these judgmental side comments about others’ appearance or demeanor “normal?” Do women need to gauge their wardrobe choices based on other women’s approval? This all too common behavior might be why some women have trouble trusting other women. It also might be the reason some women are labeled as fake, catty or passive aggressive. I’ve caught myself being judgmental, and it bothers me when I replay it in my head.  

Let me tell you why. 

I work with many young women and teenagers and this is the very thing they struggle with. Most all of them come in with at least some concerns related to self-esteem, body-image, or are otherwise critical about their appearance. Given the relentless social pressure from unrealistic media influences, the struggle is real. So much so that an overlying theme, and hallmark of issues like social anxiety, is a fear of negative judgment by others.

The behaviors we were modeled

As I work with my clients to understand their experiences, I notice they all have another thing in common -- judgmental behavior towards others has been modeled by someone they respect(ed)... a friend, partner, coworker or mother sitting across the table. These experiences shape a certain reality for them. My clients learn to believe that their imperfections stand out, to EVERYONE. Someone will undoubtedly notice their acne; their last-season scuffed boots will raise an eyebrow; the bit of skin hanging over their waistband will. be. criticized. 

If we’ve been socialized to notice others, why wouldn’t we assume others notice everything about us?

How we came to struggle 

As if we don’t have enough to worry about, it sometimes feels like we are walking around in a magnifying glass bubble, our every flaw exposed. This amplifies our self consciousness and sense of insecurity. And these insecurities can drive a chain of replicated behavior -  what we despise about ourselves we tend to project onto others. We judge, we snicker, we stereotype, we speculate. We end up making assumptions about people and situations that we really know nothing about. 

Some of this is to be expected - we so desperately want to put labels on our ambiguous world to make sense of it. However, when we look at others, we fail to consider that what we see on the outside may be covering a larger story... a story filled with pain-soaked words, loneliness, and trauma.

The whole story

Maybe the person who needs the seatbelt extension on the plane has an autoimmune disease, or maybe she suffered unimaginable abuse as a child… and she drowns out that suffering the only way she knows how. Maybe that girl’s scuffed boots were the only Christmas gift she received last year, which her single mother purchased from a second-hand store after weeks of saving up. Maybe the teenage girl you saw walking down the street in baggy sweatpants is on her way to the community clinic to get an abortion following a horrific sexual assault. Maybe someone with grown-out roots can’t afford another trip to the salon right now, because her son has a disability and she needs to prioritize therapy costs. 

But maybe not. Perhaps none of these stories are reality for these people… but that’s not the point. The point is that we Just. Don’t. Know. When we people-watch, we draw conclusions based on our own experiences, not the experience of the other. 

How we can be better 

What if we consciously lifted each other up? Next time Debbie from accounting walks by in one of her sequined tops fit to win an ugly sweater contest, let. it. go. She’s got her style; you’ve got yours. Similarly, Maddy can choose what she wants to eat for lunch without a running commentary. Let it be a thing of the past when people avoid walking by a gaggle of girlfriends for fear of hearing their whispers, followed by giggles.  

If you HAVE to make a comment about someone, then let it be kind. Make note of someone’s pretty nail color, cute top, or confident energy. What’s more, ask them how they’re doing, applaud them for speaking up, see them as one of you. Build. Them. Up. Women face enough pressure trying to navigate life “the right way.” We don’t need the added insecurity of feeling emotionally threatened within our own communities.

Go the extra mile: When you notice sh*t-talking, call it out, with kindness. And if you catch yourself doing it, own it and apologize. Develop accountability for how you are working to stop this behavior by giving permission to call each other out. This can help raise awareness and help you reflect on the impact of what you say and do. Recognize that how you speak about other women behind their backs matters: the pattern of negative behavior becomes more ingrained in you and it’s another jab against them when they’re already fighting a hard battle. Instead of judgement and criticism, let’s approach these observations with curiosity and compassion, and help others do the same.

Putting on kindness

In the moment, it might feel good to turn to a girlfriend with a knowing look and a gasp that says “Can you believe that sweater?!” but immediately after, something feels off inside. That off feeling can be a kind of shame creeping in -  your higher consciousness knowing you’ve done something mean spirited. Putting on kindness has a way of lifting your spirit. You can leave the restaurant knowing you were a better version of yourself.

So choose kindness. If you need help changing these conversations, I’m here. If you need help dealing with the effects of these comments, I can be that person for you too. 

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Abby Erickson is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps people with anxiety and social anxiety learn ways to better manage their angst. She also helps people struggling with low self-esteem and body image issues be comfortable in their own skin. She longs to help create a world where women and men learn to love their bodies.

Outliving our Furry Companions: Tips for Coping with the Loss of a Beloved Pet

Photo by Yerlin Matu on Unsplash

Losing a pet is devastating. It can be so jarring to our daily lives. Our little friend was with us on the daily - we spent every moment at home together, they slept at our feet, and they may have been closer to us than a fellow human being.

But many of us may feel like it’s not socially acceptable to make a big deal of it. Taking time off work, for instance: most of us don’t expect to get bereavement leave when we’ve lost a pet. Not to mention conversations with acquaintances! Have you ever heard this: “Oh, you’ll get over it! Are you going to get another pet?” How is that ever appropriate?! If someone had lost a kid, would they have said the same thing? 

Because that’s what pets are like: a child, a family member, a close friend. 

The sense of loss is constant

A year ago, I lost my cat of 19 years. It was the most disorienting thing. My partner and I had this family unit - it was us two and Tybo. Having him there was such a given, almost like Tybo was part of our house, built into the walls; a complete set.

Coming home to an empty house was heartbreaking. It was so quiet and still. I missed the ringing of his collar; his orangeness slipping past us, nuzzling our necks while we tried to sleep. His meowing, his purring, our meal routines, even our litter cleanup routine. These interactions, or there lack of, were constant reminders that he is no longer with us.  

I imagined how much more heart broken I’d be if Tybo was my main companion, if we were not a trio, but a duo getting through life together, through all the ups and downs. I have all this love, and now all this grief. Where would I put these feelings?

Animals are a wonderful source of support and unconditional love, and losing them is one of the hardest things a person can go through. It’s the kind of life event that’s hard to explain to people who have never experienced it themselves.

The grief is real  

When I lost Tybo, I took my grief seriously. I read about grief and loss and the psychology of these awful feelings. The pain can be as heart wrenching as losing a human loved one. That’s why hearing, “So when are you going to get another pet?” is so insensitive and infuriating. 

Everyone expresses sadness in different ways, but some aspects of grief are universal. I realized I was experiencing all the stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance; sometimes in order and sometimes not. It felt like my grief process was both a classic textbook case: formulaic and predictable, yet deeply personal. Knowing others experience grief in similar ways made me feel less alone. 

I’ve lost a few pets in my life, and I came out okay on the other end. It took a while and it wasn’t easy. However, these are some things that has helped me get through it.  

Tips for coping with losing a pet

1. Let yourself feel all the feels

This is a horrible feeling. Let yourself cry, let yourself take a day off work if you can afford it. It’s your life, and your mental health that needs care and attention. You may feel complete despair, hopelessness, and confusion. Write about it in a journal if it helps you express your emotions fully. Don’t be hard on yourself for feeling this bad. These feelings will pass, but also know that it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling right now. 

2. Do something special to honor your pet

My partner and I planted a peach tree in the back yard in honor of our orange tabby. We also made him a… wooden burial box (calling it a casket doesn’t sound right). We wrote love notes to him on the inside of the box and put his favorite toy in with him. We buried the box under the peach tree. We made a little gravestone out of pottery with his paw print on it and placed it in front of the tree. I think of him often when I look outside. 

I’m getting teary now just thinking about it. It’s been nearly a year, and time helps me look back fondly, rather than from a place of despair. Having a little gravesite to remind us of him makes him feel close to us and us to him. The peaches are delicious, by the way. 

Some people have a ceremony or a shrine in memory of their pets. Others make a photo album, or a scrapbook. And some frame a large photograph for their living room. Do whatever you find meaningful to you as you create something, anything, to represent how important this pet was to you and your family. The loss is real. Let’s honor it.

3. Talk to people about it

I initially felt a bit of shame feeling this bad about my cat. I thought…it’s just a cat (I was raised with the values that animals belong outside. On a farm or in the wild). So getting this attached to my cat was an unexpected life twist. But, considering Tybo was in my life for 11 of his 19 years, that’s a significant chunk of time. I was surprised at how understanding people were when I reached out and told them I was struggling.

Many people have experienced the loss of a pet, so while it’s not often talked about, your animal loving friends and relatives can probably relate to this feeling of loss. They can offer support, kind words, and a reminder that you’re not alone.  If you don’t know anyone who can relate to this feeling and show support, a therapist is a safe person to bring this up with.

4. Remember how you got through difficult times in the past 

Remember the last time you split up with a partner you cared deeply about, you thought you’d never get over them? You couldn’t imagine loving someone else, sharing a bed with someone else, and moving on. The thought made you shudder.

And then what happened? You found ways to live. You found happiness again, in a new way.

For me, the loss of a pet was different from losing a family member. A family member is truly irreplaceable. You’ll never have another mom, grandparent, or brother. And likewise, there will never be another Tybo - the goal is not to replace him or find one just like him. But the difference between losing a family member and a pet was the realization that I can find happiness with another pet. You too can find happiness with another little companion, if that’s what you want.

Another pet can bring you joy like you can’t imagine, in time.

Introducing our new furry companion

Over the summer, we adopted the best little guy from the Humane Society - a one year old yorkie we named Ziggy Stardog. At first I thought I’d feel guilty about Tybo; I was reminded of the loss constantly by the new addition to the house. I think about Tybo more now that Zigg is around. But the feelings that come up aren’t necessarily sad. Tybo would have eaten that, or Ziggy doesn’t open doors like Tybo used to. There will be comparisons, but I actually welcome those thoughts. They come naturally, and the reminders fill me with love for Tybo all over again. 

Ziggy is a bundle of happiness and he is what makes pets amazing! All he wants is to run around and be free and explore. When he hops around the yard sniffing things, chasing bugs and chewing on my zucchini plants, I find myself growing more and more in love with his pure animal innocence and joy. 

I can love Ziggy and have a place in my heart for Tybo, now and always. As I allow my heart to attach to an animal, yet again, I know Ziggy will fill me with much love, companionship, and long walks around our neighborhood. 

There is hope. 

Bringing you hope

If you find yourself struggling with the loss of a pet, or other life transitions, our team of counselors are here to help. It is not silly to be affected by life’s circumstances. Life happens and we can all use a little help along the way. We’d love to be that person for you. 

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Karen Lenz is the Office Whiz Extraordinaire at People Bloom Counseling. She writes blog posts as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. She hopes this blog helps you get through your pet loss. She finds herself laughing out lout at Ziggy’s silliness, like she just heard a great joke. This blog is written in memory of Tybo and in celebration of Ziggy.

A Challenge from a Mental Health Counselor: Part with your Phone for a Few Hours

Photo by You X Ventures on Unsplash

Out of my routine

It was an unusual Saturday where I woke up early and saw two clients via teletherapy. I was gone the last two weeks and wanted to be available to my people. After wrapping up my notes, I changed and left the house for an Orange Theory class. Little did I know, I remembered everything but my phone.

Well, this was better than the day before where I remembered everything but my runners. Needless to say, I couldn’t attend class then, and I wasn’t about to miss class again by turning around.

My device can’t be that important.

Waiting without my phone

The power class kicked my butt and I felt like it wasn’t going to end. When it finally did, I was so ready to reward myself with yummy take out! In Redmond, there are a number of Indian restaurants and I craved curry. After ordering a vegetarian curry and a lamb saag, I sat, waiting.

Remembering that I’d forgotten my phone, I was intentional in looking around and noticing things I would otherwise miss. The restaurant’s décor, the people working, the people dining. Perhaps I can finally take in what’s around me, rather than have my nose buried in a screen.

Phoneless and distracted

As I sat and looked around, my mind was distracted. I should check Whatsapp to see what’s up with my family. I don’t have my phone. Interesting art this restaurant has. This place is not very crowded at this hour. Oh, I wonder if that coffee shop around the corner is any good. Let me look up reviews. I don’t have my phone. What’s the weather like for the rest of the day? I don’t have my phone.

Why do any of these things matter anyway?

Takeout in hand, I strolled to a nearby coffee shop and ordered drinks. The line was long and I again waited patiently. Twice I found myself fumbling around in my purse for a phone I didn’t have. Instead of checking Facebook for the 3rd time that day, I noticed a hairstyle I’d like to try, a barista who spilled half the drink and had to remake it, a cute dog on the sidewalk, chalk art on the wall…

I would’ve missed all that if I had my device because I wouldn’t have spared a moment to simply wait. Like wait in line without engaging in something or with someone to distract me from the monotony of waiting.

What novelty.

I’m not that important

I finally got home and started eating. Normally, I would swipe my phone this way or that while eating and taste very little of my food. That day, I decided that if my phone could wait a few hours, then what’s another half hour? The curry and saag were very tasty. My drink was only so so.

When I finally picked up my phone, nothing important came through. My family said nothing out of the ordinary. The Bahamas are just as devastated by Hurricane Dorian. My husband was tired from SUP and had no reason to reach me. By then, I didn’t even bother with Facebook.

So much for FOMO.

Do you have your device or does your device have you?

Now, I understand you probably have more important apps on your phone. The stock market could have varied since the morning. Your friends are planning a meetup. Someone might have responded to you on LinkedIn. You might have a few more followers on Instagram. You couldn’t take a picture of the coffee shop line and mark your location.

But, when was the last time you were without your phone and how did that disrupt your routine? Were you agitated because you couldn’t get a hold of so and so and you wondered if the world was just passing you by? Or, did your mind conjure up the worst case scenario happening to the people you love and how you couldn’t be reached?

I understand you could be a very important person and your followers are hanging onto your every character on Twitter. But what if there could be a sense of freedom, of unburdening that happens when you’re not tethered to the lives of others, to the latest news, traffic or weather?

I know it’s hard to imagine, but we didn’t always have this. How did we wait in lines then? How did we know what restaurant to try when we didn’t have the reviews of others to draw upon? How did we go about our lives not knowing whether the roads are congested or exactly who responded to the invite?

How were we ever without our devices?

You’re going to be okay

As uncomfortable as it may be, you’re going to survive without your device. There’s a quality of presence that comes from being fully there, wherever you are, without the need to check this or get an update on that. Would you find yourself more engaged with the people who matter to you, who are right there with you? Could you notice something you’ve never seen before, even though you’ve been at that restaurant for the Nth time?

Might you learn something about yourself, if nothing other than, “I may be upset that I’m without my phone, but my phone is not my life. I can part with it. And the next time I pick it up, I can decide how I want to use it.”

Wanting to be less dependent on your phone is something many of us can relate to. Let us know if you need help with this or other areas of your life. Our mental health counselors are here.

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. While writing this blog, she only checked her phone once. She finished sooner because she didn't have to context switch. Ah-mazing. Okay, maybe not so ah-mazing. You can be pretty ordinary too, you know?

Are You Voting for Your Marriage?

Photo by Scott Webb on Unsplash

Happy anniversary to us!

My husband and I recently celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary! On that day, I performed the social media ritual of posting a throwback photo of our wedding. Captured in that sepia-toned photo were two joyful people, kids really, preparing for a journey they knew little about.

We may have looked like a couple of kids... but we were old enough to vote. My husband touched on something important when looking back on that day: you do need to vote. Every day you need to vote/choose to be a couple. The wedding day is all cake and laughter, but the choice to be with one person for the rest of your life, for better or worse, is hard work. 

Getting through the rough patches

Everyone gets thrown some curve balls in life. And when you are married, you are not only dealing with your own curve balls, but you are also dealing with your partner’s.

When I think back through the past 18 years, I reflect on some pretty hard times. The stress of having young kids, worrying about finances and health scares, and balancing that with a busy career can leave little time or energy for anything else. Even date night can start feeling like a chore. Honestly, neither of us were very fun to live with in those days.

Thankfully, things have gotten easier over the years. However, we often reflect on how thankful we are for making it through those times and not giving up on us. It’s definitely tempting to run away in those dark moments. Instead of giving up, we decided to go to couples counseling. 

We voted to be a couple.

Taking the leap

Going to counseling wasn’t an easy step to take. So many fear-based thoughts went through my mind that almost prevented us from asking for help… Going to couple’s therapy meant our marriage was a failure… Maybe we can work things out on our own... or What if it doesn’t work? Ultimately, I realized that sometimes even the strongest people can use some outside help. 

Considering all the objections my mind came up with, I’m thankful that we chose to seek help.

What couples counseling taught us

Couples counseling helped us change the way we communicate with each other. We learned to recognize our pattern of fighting that got us stuck in a negativity spiral. We were encouraged to look beyond the content of what we were saying and doing, and focus more on the process of how we were interacting with each other.

I never would have thought that a stranger could be the answer to our problems… that an outsider could hear the details of our specific situation, and use our story to guide us closer to each other.

But here we were.

We got to the heart of what we were feeling and what we needed from each other. When we started communicating from our needs and genuine intentions, it was easier to hear what the other person was saying. We started feeling heard and understood. We were able to express our hurt and pain, and look into each other’s eyes and see that our pain hurt our partner, too.

Those moments were healing and it made it easier to vote for each other. 

Is this you?

As a marriage counselor on the other side of the room, I see many couples who clearly love (or loved) each other, but they have waited so long to come to therapy. Could it be that the inevitable hurts and resentments that naturally come with spending a life with someone have hardened you and built up a wall between you and your partner? 

This wall can get in the way of your ability to vote yes for your marriage.

We can do something about that. 

Tearing down the wall

In a marriage, while you and your partner are so interconnected through kids, shared memories, and assets, you can also build walls between yourselves when it comes to your own needs. Although the wall might have protected you in many ways from your hurts, it has also caused isolation and loneliness, which hurts even more.

Sometimes the task of breaking through that pain feels insurmountable, and you might give up hope. Separating from each other can be the right thing for you, despite the shared experiences and love you had for each other. But for others of you, there is light on the other side of this marital hardship. Having the strength to walk through the hardship is what is needed to see that light, and feel the connection and happiness you once felt. 

I’m voting for you

Going to marriage counseling is like voting yes for your marriage. It can give you the extra support you need to walk through the darkness and come through on the other side. It takes hard work, but just like marriage itself, it can be well worth the work. 

Let me know when you’re ready to come in and vote. I’ll be here. 

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Kristin O’Hara is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps couples find love and connection in their relationship. She also helps people struggling with midlife transitions. She spent her anniversary relaxing with her husband, reflecting back on their many years of joys, sorrows and wonderful shared memories.

Weighting to Jump In: How Body Shame Made Me Miss the Party

Photo by Matthew T Rader on Unsplash

A public service announcement for all the women

Ladies, we are heading towards the latter part of summer… and of course season change typically includes a transition in wardrobe, at least in the Northwest. And as a curvy woman, I for one am ready to be done with the pressure to find the most “figure-flattering” swimsuit coverup, and spanx to avoid the uncomfortable chafing that inevitably results from 80-plus degree weather and thick thighs in a dress.

Trending toward body positivity

In general, I believe society is making progress around body inclusivity and size diversity. Big applause for public figures like models Iskra Lawrence and Ashley Graham who are using their beautiful bodies, and more importantly, voices, to speak out against body shaming and diet culture. The publicity around Nike’s effort to support the movement with their full-figured mannequin was epic - and hopefully just the beginning of more clothing companies actively promoting size diversity. 

I’m seeing more unfiltered Instagram accounts and people, not just women, owning their realness. It’s about damn time, but we’ve still got a ways to go. By “we” I mean “we” as a collective and as individuals. We cannot expect change to happen unless we are willing to do our part individually. And I, a mental health professional who works with people struggling with body image and disordered eating, struggled to do my part this summer.

This is my confession. 

How I ended up on a party boat

It was a beautiful Seattle Saturday a couple of weeks back. As a plus-one, I attended a promotional/marketing event for Seafair because my partner works in the hospitality industry. The event was hosted on a partnering company’s boat, which meant swimsuits, skin, and a lot of women who fit the bill for “traditional beauty standards.” I overheard women talking about their month-long cleanses in preparation for the event, two-a-day workout weeks, and compliments on each others’ physiques. Many of these women have become dear friends, and to be clear, I have zero judgement towards anyone who values these things. I’ve noticed this is also how lots of women bond and connect with one another. 

When self consciousness takes over

As we humans tend to do, I got caught up in my head on that boat because I saw no other bodies that looked like mine in swimsuits. I thought to myself, Where are all the Ashley’s and Iskra’s? The diverse women I’ve been flooding my social medias with to drown out the other filtered, photo-CHOPPED ads that otherwise pop up everywhere? I wondered if I’d just created a safety bubble for myself and if actually, the rest of the world really hadn’t expanded beauty ideals. The hard work I’d convinced myself I’d done around accepting my curvy body flew out the porthole. 

A couple of people asked why I was keeping my pants on (they were whooey pants-- the really loose, wide-leg kind that go “whoo whoo” in the wind) and not getting in the water with my friends. I replied self-degradingly, “I might have accepted my cellulite but I’m not sure that the rest of the world is ready for that yet,” and laughed. OMG you guys, the SHAME.

The thing is, I wouldn’t have given a shit if I’d seen anyone with cellulite. In fact, there were probably plenty of women with this NORMAL thingy happening on their skin, and I didn’t even notice because my brain was scanning for data that confirmed my self-conscious thoughts. 

If I could do it all over again

I have some regrets about that day. If I could have a do over, I’ll be brave enough to be the Ashley on that boat...because maybe it would have helped other self-conscious women on that boat rock their water-wear as well. After all, it was really hot, and I was really sweaty and uncomfortable, but my body-conscious anxieties kept me from doing things I actually cared about. My partner spent most of the afternoon floating off the back of the boat, staying cool in the water. Instead of watching my first Blue Angels airshow holding the hand of the person I love most, cooling off in a floaty next to him in the water, I sat on the opposite end of the boat, fully clothed and overheated, and missed out on a memory with him. 

Tapping into my values

While I’m trying to be self-compassionate around not feeling ready to be an Ashley just yet, I allowed my fear of negative judgment to dictate how I chose to live my life that beautiful Seattle Saturday. I was distracted from my personal values of making memories with my best friend, a core concept of Acceptance-Commitment Therapy (ACT). If I had slowed down and checked in with myself, I would remember the Health at Every Size Model (HAES), which emphasizes that every body is a swimsuit body. It de-stigmatizes fatness and people with bigger bodies; it reminds us that fat isn’t bad, nor is it a sound indicator of someone’s health… and certainly not someone’s worth. These are some of the tools I use to help my clients with body image and disordered eating. 

Taking a cue from the boys

What I also didn’t notice that day was any men discussing these subjects. The guys on the boat were rocking their swimmies with all sorts of body types; none were turning down the sandwiches provided to avoid looking bloated, because heaven forbid they were hungry. I didn’t hear any guys commenting on their bodies or shaming themselves. 

Gals - what if we’re mindful about speaking about ourselves unkindly? What would we hear? What if we avoided the calorie conversations at the table or the justifications for wanting the regular sized order instead of the half? We can learn to recognize that these critical thoughts are only thoughts, not absolute truths. 

It is okay and very nurturing to give your body what it needs and wants, which might be salad one day and ice cream the next. When we relinquish the rules and judgement around food and physique, food becomes less of a shame/reward system and begins doing what it’s supposed to: nourishing our bodies so we have the energy to be present for whatever it is we care about for the rest of the beautiful Seattle days to come. 

I am here

I may be a therapist, but I’m not perfect and I’m always learning from my mistakes. If you need someone to help you leave body shaming on the deck while you go for a swim, let’s talk. The party is in the water. 

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Abby Erickson is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps people with anxiety and social anxiety learn ways to better manage their angst. She also helps people struggling with low self-esteem and body image issues be comfortable in their own skin. Abby is excited that there are still a few good days of summer left to get a second chance to try out that swimsuit and enjoy the sun.

How I Stopped Procrastinating and Started Meeting my Goals

Photo by Brad Neathery on Unsplash

Procrastination at our house 

Over spring break I went on vacation with my family. When I go on vacation, I like to bring books. A lot of them! Mostly nonfiction and one good fiction book. I imagine myself relaxing and reading for hours on end...although this rarely happens. 

On this trip, I brought a book called Solving the Procrastination Puzzle by Timothy A. Pychyl. This particular book was not for me, of course, but for my daughter. You see, my daughter procrastinated her homework just about every night this past school year. Although she would eventually get her homework done that night, she would inevitably lose sleep doing it and would wake up the next day feeling exhausted. The whole cycle would drive me crazy! I would work with her on strategies to plan out her evening, making room for a mental break and then setting a time to get to work. 

Nothing helped. 

My book on procrastination was going to change my daughter’s life! What a helpful and dedicated parent I was! As I started reading about all of the things people procrastinate on - eating healthy, saving for retirement, reaching out to a friend, homework, writing a blog…it suddenly hit me...I am a procrastinator! This is not about my daughter at all. This is about me! Ugh! 

Why do I procrastinate?

What is preventing me from getting the things done that I want and need to get done? I often make excuses that it is too hard, I am not in the mood right now, I will feel like doing it later, I need to do other things first like clean my house, do laundry, declutter...I mentally dismiss my need for doing the task by saying it’s not that important, I don’t really need to do that, there is no rush. 

But deep down, I know I am lying to myself. When I think of doing something I don’t want to do I get a feeling of dread and overwhelm and before I know it, my negative self talk starts to take over. Procrastination makes me feel better by giving me short term relief from doing the dreaded task. 

I temporarily feel better! Only to feel worse later.

Is it really that big of a deal to procrastinate? 

What’s the big deal? Everyone procrastinates, right? The problem is that not only do these undone tasks hang over my head, they make me feel bad about myself and get in the way of my ability to live my best life. When I procrastinate, I am not achieving my goals. This takes a hit to my self esteem. I start to wonder  - why am I not living my life according to my goals and values?

Wow! When I really thought about it, I realized that procrastinating has a huge impact on my life and how I view myself. And I thought this was all about my daughter!

How I get motivated 

As a human and a trained therapist, I consider what’s going to help me get motivated. If I want to help my daughter and my clients, I need to figure out what’s going to help me. Here’s what I came up with:

• Scheduling time. With a little bit of practice and diligence, I try to schedule when I am going to sit down to get started on a project. Whether it’s at a specific date and time or after a planned activity. 

• Noticing avoidance patterns. I try to be kind with myself in my expectations and pay attention to what I am saying to myself about my ability to get this task done. When I start to go down the very deceptive path of procrastination...I notice my trigger thoughts of I’ll feel more like doing that tomorrow or first I need to walk my dog and use that as a reason to get started...even if it’s just for twenty minutes. 

• Managing expectations. I take note of the negative emotions that I am associating with the task and remind myself that I don’t need to do the task perfectly, it just needs to be good enough. This gives me a break from unrealistic expectations. Then...I think of how great it will feel to have the task completed and my goals achieved!

For more tips on increasing motivation, here’s an additional article. 

What about my daughter?

Even though this has not been helpful in the slightest bit to my daughter, maybe the most helpful thing I can do as a parent is to lead by example. No wonder she procrastinates! I’ve taught her well!

Progress not perfection

Don’t get me wrong...I still procrastinate. In fact this blog was supposed to be done a month ago...but I am working on progress, not perfection!

If you struggle with the pressure to get things done and don’t know where to start, trust me, I understand, and I’m here for you. Let’s figure out what works for you. 

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Kristin O’Hara is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps couples find love and connection in their relationship. She also helps people struggling with midlife transitions. She is thankful to have kids who help remind her to be the best version of herself.

Why You Can't Relax In Someone Else's Yard (And What To Do About It)

Photo by CandiceP on Pixabay

Feeling weird as a guest 

The weather is warming up, which for many of us means travel plans to see old friends, maybe visit the in-laws this summer. I’ve written about the stress of hosting in the past, but it goes both ways: If you find yourself feeling weird as a guest - not knowing what to do with yourself and generally uneasy, you’re not alone.  This definitely falls into the “first world problem” category. But it’s a real thing, and I’m determined to find ways to overcome this mild annoyance.  

Not my own space 

I was visiting a friend recently over the weekend, and I had a bit of down time between activities. I hit the backyard by myself to get some fresh air and to give the host (and her husband and kid) some space. I stretched out on the grass, waiting to feel centered, to feel like myself again. While the sun felt good on my face, and I enjoyed the quiet breeze, I still didn’t get a reprieve from feeling generally uncomfortable. As long as I was in their yard, I couldn’t relax, and definitely couldn’t meditate the way I would in my own space. 

This could come down to classic social anxiety. When you’re already socially anxious, being away from home and someone’s guest exacerbates and highlights the anxiety because there is no escape to your comfort zone.

While I’ve never ended a trip early as a result of it, the thought has crossed my mind. 

Giving up control

Even when you visit the best of friends or notice very thoughtful touches to your stay, the guest is often in a position of less power. You have little control over the plan for the day, when you eat, when you sleep, and when you poop. This can feel chaotic to those of us who like a certain routine. If I can’t unbutton my top button after meals, let alone walk around the house in my undies, do I even want to see Cincinnati?! Well yes, I suppose I do. But the point stands.

Being a guest can take away your sense of agency. You might revert back to a state of helplessness, like a kid waiting for mom to tell you when to wake up, make meals, and take you to soccer. Even when asked what I want to do, I can lose sight of my own needs. I feel like I’m at the whim of the host - they know their town best and I have little idea what I want from a new experience. It’s different when I travel to a new place where I book a hotel room, and decide my itinerary; then I at least have some control over my day. 

All that to say, being a house guest can be disorienting.

The overly accommodating guest 

I’m the kind of introverted extrovert combo that loves people, but doesn’t know what to do with them. Even close friends and family. I’m also an empath, overly in tune with how others are feeling. I would never want my presence to be the cause of any unneeded stress for my host. This in turn makes me feel like I’m imposing, invading their space, in the way, a burden. I feel an incessant need to help and be accommodating. I know this can become annoying, so I check myself and then feel like I’m not helping enough. It’s a vicious cycle of self-censorship and anxiety. 

That makes it hard for me to enjoy my stay and their company.  

5 tips for overcoming guest anxiety

The point of traveling and seeing friends out of town is to have fun! And all my complaints are most definitely fun-killers.  Vacations should be relaxing, so I came up with ways to check all this anxiety and keep a level head:

1.     Get curious. Take an interest in the new and be open to new experiences. Set aside expectations, and try to keep an open mind to whatever ends up happening.

2.     Take a break when you need down time. No one can be non-stop fun all the time. And don’t worry if a nap in the hammock isn’t relaxing like it would be at home. You’re not in your element, and the newness can cause anxiety. That’s ok - frame it as a new experience.

3.     Offer to help, but don’t go over the top. Wash the dishes a couple times, clean up after yourself, but otherwise let the host do their host thing. Chances are, they don’t want you to take over running their home.

4.     Keep the trip short. I’m talking…one weekend. If it turns into a longer trip, find ways to entertain yourself, figure out your own transportation, do some exploring on your own. This will minimize the feeling that you’re a burden, and will give you some stories to share with your hosts about your adventures when you reconvene at the end of the day.

5.     Remember most hosts are happy to have you. They want to show off their city, wow you with a home cooked meal and impress you with the new kitchen remodel. Show your appreciation, and let them know when you’re enjoying yourself.

Get real

We all have a persona we put on when we’re “on” around people, and one that lets loose when no one is around. The irony is that I’m most comfortable, my best self - the one I want to share with others -  when I’m alone. If only I could teleport the relaxed, alone version of myself into someone else’s space for the weekend!

Sometimes visiting friends in new places brings out some realness. Ask yourself (and be honest when you answer): Do you truly like traveling? Do you prefer your own space? Are you curious? Are you open to going along with someone else’s plans?  It’s ok if the answer isn’t a resounding “yes!” 

I know it’s romantic to have a sense of adventure, to be carefree and spontaneous. But it’s also human to want comfort, peace, home, familiarity. Traveling and being a houseguest is revealing - it’s a great way to learn about yourself, your likes, dislikes, and best and worst traits. Think of it as a personal challenge and a learning experience. 

We can help!

I hope you have some fun plans for the summer. But if you just plan to stay in and read a book in the shade with some iced tea, that’s also great. Now if even the thought of going on these trips causes anxiety, we have counselors who can help! Does your relationship need a tune-up before visiting the in-laws? Or, are you feeling anxious seeing your high school friends again and you don’t know what to say? Improving couple relationships and managing social anxiety is our bread and butter, or toast and avocado. 

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Karen Lenz is the Office Whiz Extraordinaire at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She writes blog posts as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. She is looking forward to a family reunion next weekend to celebrate the 4th, and she’s thankful that it will be at a campground so that no one will have to be concerned about being on their best guest behavior.

What My Husband Taught Me About Self-Care

Photo by twinsfisch on Unsplash

It’s been a while

Last week, I woke up with a bad sore throat. It came suddenly, overnight, even though I tried to remedy it in the middle of the night. I verified that pharyngitis is contagious and I either canceled or moved my appointments online. I also gave the people I had scheduled the day after a heads up.

You see, I haven’t been sick like this for almost two years. I remember so because I wrote about it here. As a result, I wish to get better asap, but somehow, I thought I could get better by doing just as much as always...

But, the to-do list!

I had little human contact that day and grocery shopped for food. I added to the pile of dishes in the sink and later on, made a further mess of the kitchen by boiling oatmeal over our gas stovetop. Twice.

Spending most of the day at home, I thought, Well, there’s laundry to do. I can unload the dishes and empty the sink. I can make congee. I can work on the copy on my website. The list goes on. At the end, I did none of that. I crashed on the couch until my husband came home and I told him I hardly did anything. “That’s good. You’re not supposed to. You should be resting.”

Learning from my husband

Then I remember the times when he has been sick and he indeed did very little. He worked minimally, ate, napped and watched episodes on the couch, day after day. He focused his energy on resting and recovering. In fact, when he’s stressed and he still needs to take out the garbage, he will do just that: take out the garbage and leave the recycling for next week. He attended to his priorities and waited on the less important tasks. 

While I can imagine this turning into an argument for some couples, like, “If you’d only help out around the house more!” or, “How am I supposed to know what you need when you’re sick?” I saw it as an opportunity to learn from my husband about self-care.

Not my usual self

Because I haven’t been sick for a while, I’d forgotten how tiring it can be. I don’t have the same level of energy and my mind doesn’t work the same way. Just because I have the time does not mean I can. Just because I can does not mean I should.

My husband encouraged me to cancel my engagements the next day so I could fully rest. I still ended up going to my morning appointment and slipped into the office for some computer work. I did cancel the date to hang out with a nine year old, though by mid-afternoon, I thought about resuming the date because I felt like I could. I’m glad I didn’t. By the time I got home, I was exhausted again. I was on an unexpected call and did a load of laundry that could’ve waited.

Apparently, I haven’t learned my lesson. Head knowledge doesn’t always transfer into actions taken.

Still wanting more

Alas, the next day, I slept in but woke up to learning that one of my favorite local artists will be hosting a booth at the Oddmall in Monroe! We also bought tickets to see Westside Story midday. “Can we do both?” I said enthusiastically, only about 70% recovered. “They’re in opposite directions. It’ll be too much for you to do both,” answered my husband. As if I’d forgotten everything that has transpired the last two days.

So we had a sad, but amazing experience at the musical, got a dinner takeout and came home. I left the dishes and stove cleaning to him and was able to sustain energy until later that evening.

Asking for what I need and want

Aside from doing less and giving myself the permission to rest, I also learned the importance of being clear with my requests, especially when I have less emotional and physical bandwidth. “Hon, I’ll need the pot to make congee. Can you please do the dishes by tomorrow?” This is a more vulnerable and direct ask, compared to, “You’re going to do the dishes, right?” When he doesn’t know my needs, the why and the when, then he isn’t given the opportunity to meet them. He also doesn’t understand why I get upset every time I pass by the boatload in the sink. It’s not just about the dishes. It’s much more than that.

My simplified life

As you read this, you might be thinking, But Ada, you don’t have kids! When you have kids, you don’t get to rest! It’s true, we’re a household of two and our lives are simpler. What’s more, we hear stories from friends that when their kids are in school or daycare, they get sick half the year!

The thing is, while we don’t have little people demanding our attention, the tendency to push myself, to do just as much, to be short with my husband, and to assume that he can read my mind, are still there. At the end of the day, stress will suppress my immune system and an argument with my spouse is the last thing I need when I’m sick.

Flexing a new muscle

As I continue to flex the muscles of doing less and asking more vulnerably in my relationship, I wonder if you might be going through similar things. Just because you have time does not mean you can. Just because you can does not mean you should. 

The counselors here at People Bloom would love to help you flex the muscles of self-care! We can also help you with your relationship, so you can learn to ask more vulnerably for what you want and need.

Don’t wait until you’re under the weather to get help.

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. When she’s sick, she likes to eat congee, drink hot water with lemon, and watch comedy. She’s sad to have finished the remaining episodes of The No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency on HBO.