Couples in Quarantine: What to Do When your Partner is Driving you Bananas

Photo by Soroush Karimi on Unsplash

When “quality time” isn’t all that quality

Not sure about the rest of you, but this involuntary “quality time” is kicking my relationship’s ass. This, by far, is the longest and most uninterrupted one-on-one time most of us have likely had with our significant other(s). For some, maybe it’s bliss. For others, it’s frustrating as heck. It doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed forever, but you might be seeing some wrinkles and wanna iron some things out.

Your world just got smaller

The vast majority of our relationships blossomed when the world was still movin’ real fast. Maybe you were finishing up your college degree, working towards a promotion, relocating, or juggling kiddos as a single-working parent. It could have been new to cohabitate together, but independence was still an option, AKA you could leave. Now, instead of venting to your BFF over happy hour, you can go...to the other room? Not exactly the space some of us need following what Jerry Seinfeld refers to as a “spirited exchange of ideas.”

What does confinement bring out in you? 

Being confined to a certain square footage can bring out the worst, and sometimes best, in us. Maybe you are a thriving (but neurotic) home-body like myself, content with chipping away at the second round of spring cleaning… also expecting that your partner jubilantly participates :D. Maybe you need rest, blankies, and lots of internet bandwidth to support your Instagram scrolling and Hulu binges. Neither are wrong-- one does not seep of moral goodness more than the other. They’re just different, and both are okay. 

Brene Brown pointed out in her new podcast** that in times of stress and/or drastic change we tend to either overfunction or underfunction. Some of us do ALL OF THE THINGS in order to gain some false or fleeting sense of control. We organize, create, connect, and micro-manage. Some of us do ZERO OF THE THINGS. We implode internally and try to drown out the unimaginable with lots of sleep, comfort food, and maybe wine (definitely wine). When we feel overwhelmed or out of control, humans have different ways of responding. 

How to have more constructive arguments “spirited exchanges”

Mutually responsive and fulfilling relationships require both willingness to accept innate differences between ourselves and our partners, AND willingness to grow as individuals. We need to understand our emotional needs and have self-compassion for why they’re there (a huge benefit of therapy). We need to have courage and ask for these from our partner, AND we need faith that they will be willing to meet us there (therapy can also help with this). When I say meet us, I mean show up. When I say show up, I mean listen. When I say listen, I do not mean listen to respond-- I mean listen to understand. It’s impossible to hear our partner when our ego desperately fights to protect itself from shame. Instead of hearing our partner say we did a thing that was hurtful, shame creates a shit-ton of static and we hear that we are a thing that is hurtful.. This feels just ick. 

Your ego does a great job sabotaging you - but you can tame it

So what do we do when we feel ick? Try to stop it. This is our ego trying to repair itself by defending, justifying, overexplaining, or looking for faults in our partner’s story about us. While the ego’s job is to protect the “but-I’m-a-good-person” image we have of ourselves, we know it rarely leads to conflict resolution or genuine repair with our loved one. Neither party feels understood...so we try to be understood, and understood!, and UNDERSTOOD!!! until there is screaming, tears, hurt hearts, and sleepless nights. 

I was crushed (still recovering) after discovering that I, IN FACT, am capable of hurting the people I care about. Though I’d never intend to harm someone I love, I do sometimes. I am a flawed, imperfect human (SHOCK AND AWE). I don’t always say what I mean, I turn my day of poor self-esteem into a criticism grenade and throw it at my partner. It doesn’t make me a heartless butthead, it just makes me human-- makes US HUMAN. It’s a great first step to notice our protective mechanisms. Awareness and acknowledgement of the defense is a first step to learning how to respond differently. 

Get curious about yourself and your boo

There’s a lot of real crappy crap happening (and not happening) right now for all of us. Many are experiencing extreme grief, trauma, anxiety, or depression. It’s hard to be our best selves with so much unknown...so much loss...so much change...so much isolation. We’ve got differing opinions around how to best respond to this. Differences are hard. Please be patient with yourself around however you’re showing up to this, and please be patient with your loved one. Get curious about how your partner might be coping with these circumstances, how it’s impacting them. Are they over or underfunctioning? Are you over or underfunctioning? Can you talk about these things AND LISTEN to your partner with compassion...to really understand? And then… can you really apologize for your role in any hurt?  That’s for next time. 

Your SOS

If you’re having a hard time with this stuff, I can be your SOS. We can talk about your patterns and how you can get your needs met and meet the needs of your significant other. It’s ok to reach out for help. In fact, that’s one of the bravest things you can do right now, to use this quarantine time to work on your relationship, when both of you are home. Our therapists trained in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy get it, and we’re here for you to figure this out, together.  

*Some ideas from this blog was borrowed from Harriet Lerner’s Why Won’t You Apologize? Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts.

**Unlocking Us, podcast by Brene Brown.

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Abby Erickson is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps people with anxiety and social anxiety learn ways to better manage their angst. She also helps people struggling with low self-esteem and body image issues be comfortable in their own skin. During her time at home, she's drawing from the challenges and wins in her own relationship to help couples and individuals feel more secure in their most important relationships. She strongly believes feeling safe and secure with the people you rely on during a health pandemic can be just as important as having a stockpile of wine.

If there’s a way to Tell Frontline Workers They’re Doing a Phenomenal Job

You’re doing more than a good job. You’re phenomenal. 

You're the engine that makes all things go
And you're always in disguise, my hero
I see your light in the dark
Smile in my face when we all know it's hard
There's no way to ever pay you back
Bless your heart, know I love you for that
Honest and selfless
I don't know if this helps it, but

Good job, you're doin' a good job, a good job
You're doin' a good job
Don't get too down
The world needs you now
Know that you matter, matter, matter, yeah
You're doin' a good job, a good job
You're doin' a good job
Don't get too down
The world needs you now
Know that you matter, matter, matter, yeah

Six in the morning
And soon as you walk through that door
Everyone needs you again
The world's out of order
It's not as sound when you're not around
All day on your feet, hard to
Keep that energy, I know
When it feel like the end of the road
You don't let go
You just press forward

You're the engine that makes all things go
And you're always in disguise, my hero
I see your light in the dark
Smile in my face when we all know it's hard
There's no way to ever pay you back
Bless your heart, know I love you for that
Honest and selfless
I don't know if this helps it, but 

Good job, you're doin' a good job, a good job
You're doin' a good job
Don't get too down
The world needs you now
Know that you matter, matter, matter, yeah
You're doin' a good job, a good job
You're doin' a good job
Don't get too down
The world needs you now
Know that you matter, matter, matter, yeah 

The mothers, the fathers, the teachers that reach us
Strangers to friends that show up in the end
From the bottom to the top, the listeners that hear us
This is for you, you make me fearless

You're doin' a good job, a good job (Oh)
You're doin' a good job
Don't get too down
The world needs you now
Know that you matter, matter, matter, yeah

-Alicia Keys, ‘Good Job’

You matter, a whole lot. Thank you.

The Three Important Elements of Self-Care for All Times, but Especially Now

Image by aedrozda from Pixabay

It has been over a month since our Gov. Jay Inslee issued a “stay-at-home” order” order in WA. Usually, a month goes by and we don’t even notice. But, the quote circulating around social media is funny because it’s true: it really does feel like there are five years in April. Ok maybe not five years, but it does feel like we’re on the 12th week of April at my house!

Just when you think you have transitioned, think again

Now that we’ve had six weeks of practice (or, 5 years depending on how you experience time), we should have it down by now, right?! After all, we just need to carve out a space to work from home, make a schedule of things to do with the kids, meal prep for the whole week, cook endlessly, remember to fit in workouts because that’s what healthy people do, and then repeat. No big deal. 

Just writing all that makes me want to crawl back into bed. 

Whether you’re an essential worker who’s exhausted from your shifts, someone working from home or recently unemployed, or a parent who never signed up to homeschool your kids, it has been one adjustment after another. With the constant transition of new protocols at work, no school during spring break to now five assignments a day, it can be easy to forget what self-care looks like for you. Before the pandemic, you used to know how to do this, but now it takes so much more.

Self-care according to popular culture

Most people think about self-care as eating well, sleeping well, regular exercise, meditation, etc. It is all that and then some. Taking care of your basic needs is only one aspect of taking care of yourself. While doing the basics can be stabilizing during a health crisis; you might find yourself needing more with the passing of time. While you might not feel like you have the bandwidth to do more, engaging in these activities can actually strengthen your bandwidth. 

Do productive work 

Statewide, nearly half a million people are unemployed from the coronavirus. Meanwhile, people on the frontlines might feel like they’ve worked multiple shifts in one. In either case, we’d need to redefine work. If you went from having a regular work schedule to now being out of work and stuck at home, productive work is no longer limited to paid work. Instead, it can mean navigating the unemployment website, looking for a job, scheduling out your week with activities that are a little bit challenging, but not overly so, and actually doing them. If you’re a frontline worker and you often leave work feeling like there’s more work to be done, it’s a different strategy for you as well. 

If you’re unemployed

Self-mastery is a fancy term that speaks to gaining a sense of mastery over your life by doing things that help you feel more confident and in control. This is especially crucial during a time when you did not choose your circumstances, and things are very shitty right now. Self-mastery involves doing tasks that require some effort, but you’ll feel good about yourself when you’ve done them. Here are some additional examples of productive work during our shelter-in-place:

• Take care of your personal hygiene even if you have nowhere to go

• Pick up and sort through mail 

• Do laundry

• Clean up around the house 

• Take care of people in your home

When you don’t have income coming in, it can be tempting to stop all forms of work. But, when you engage in activities that you know need to get done, it can help you feel a sense of accomplishment, that today counted for something. It’s not meant to be life changing; but it can help move the needle forward in the slightest ways.

If you’re a frontline worker

If you’re not asked to do more during each shift, you might be “strongly urged” to pick up additional shifts. With needs that don’t seem to be letting up, it’s hard to feel like you’ve done enough after a day’s work. And no matter what you did, there were things outside of your control. Perhaps a patient died during your shift, you came back to a warehouse full of next day deliveries, you could’ve been even more thorough with disinfecting that near empty office… Did you make a dent today? 

You did. 

You did the best that you could for the day. Unless you’re a robot, your best fluctuates each day. With the current state of affairs, it’s hard to be firing on all cylinders, day after day. So productive work is more about having done your best and then coming back the next day and being okay with your best then too. 

It can also help for productive work for frontline workers to include non-paid work. Having a small project where you get to see the beginning, middle and end could help you feel like you were able to tie a bow on something. Here are some examples: 

• Putter around in the yard and plant something 

• Change out that burned out bulb 

• Cook your favorite comfort food recipe

• Clean out your garage (Yes, this can be a big ask. Even just a corner of it is enough)

• Tackle a jigsaw puzzle that is a bit difficult for you

Engaging in these or other activities can remind you there are ways to feel accomplished outside of work. And, work is not all that there is. 

Take care of basic needs

So, what are our basic needs? It’s actually a pretty long list:

• Rest the brain with sleep

• Drink water

• Stay hygienic 

• Eat food that fuels the body 

• Empty our bladder and bowel 

• Feel safe in our environment 

• Have a shelter over our head 

• Wear comfortable clothing 

While none of the above are rocket science, we do put our bodies through a lot and expect it to bounce back. With the stress of life, we may sometimes forgo some basic needs without recognizing it. And yet, it is especially during these trying times that we need to pay close attention to our basic needs. Because, when was the time you did the following:

• Stayed up too late or stayed in bed for too long? 

• Felt dehydrated?

• Fished clothing out of the dirty laundry basket?

• Ate what you knew would make your body feel bad, ate too much or skipped meals? 

• Held your pee or your poop when you needed to go? 

• Ignored your body’s signals when you felt either too cold or too warm?

• Stayed in the same posture for way too long?

When we’re not in a pandemic, we may go through moments where we ate out a lot, got little sleep, survived on energy drinks and (hopefully) recovered. When things are going awry, taking care of our basic needs is a buffer against the constant stress and illness. It doesn’t mean you have to do everything perfectly, but being mindful of the elements that are missing and being intentional about ways to bring them back would be helpful.

Make time to play

It’s not enough to do productive work and take care of your basic needs; you also need to find time to play. If you equate cleaning with play and find it exciting to meal prep many times over, these activities help, to a certain extent. You also need to laugh, to have fun, to allow room for creative endeavors. 

When there’s a shortage of time and money, here are possible solutions: 

• Show up for a scheduled online board game

• Work on an art project 

• Go for a bike ride with your kids

• Take a walk and notice the blooming flowers and young leaves

• Try a new recipe 

• Play your guitar, piano, cello, something

• Try an online class that you’ve been meaning to take in person 

• Do kids yoga as a family, even when you don’t have kids

• Watch this short video about how a music teacher is coping with teaching online:

The key here is not to achieve something; that’s under the section of productive work. Rather, it is to have a good belly laugh, to let yourself cut loose, and to share fun times. There are enough seriousness, restraint, and unknown in the world right now. People’s opinions about COVID will always be there. You’ll hear about plans for re-entry when it comes. Trips to the grocery store aren’t going to feel normal for a while.  But when you play, you’re shaking off the cumulative stress. 

It’s the restoration we can all use right now.

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Hi, I’m Ada. Here’s how I’m (trying) to practice what I preach -

• For productive work, I wrote this blog post today.

• For basic needs, I made too much food last week and too little this week. Next week, I might have a better handle on things. I’ll do my best then. 

• For play, I’m taking an online class where I learn to illustrate recipes. It actually works better for my schedule. 

I hope you find your work, (body) care and play too. 

Warmly,
Ada

Finding Small Moments of Joy and Connection Through the Health Pandemic

Photo by taylor hernandez on Unsplash

Wow! What an incredibly stressful time full of unknowns! As we’re all sheltering-in-place, please be kind to yourself and those around you. Maybe get out of the house and take a walk, do an online exercise class or try a new recipe. Read a book you’ve been putting off, share something new with your children that you loved as a child… Engage in activities that will help you feel healthy and sane.

Connection is more important now than ever

Reading through some of our previous blog posts, I was struck by something Karen said about our need for connection:

So many people live in solitude and wish they had more connection. We all know that feeling lonely is emotionally distressing, but science also confirms that it can lead to a whole slew of health problems. And conversely, people who are well connected live longer and happier lives.

Karen called it “The loneliness epidemic,” and that phrase certainly is hitting home for a lot more people during this outbreak. Not everyone has pets or a partner or children at home to help them through this time. Some people are not only staying home under a mandatory shelter-in-place order, but they are also doing it completely alone.

Connection with others is what buffers us during times of stress. The more stressed we are, the more we need to feel connected to others. To know that we’re in the company of people who care and understand normalizes our experiences. Their connecting with us helps to lower our cortisol levels. Their presence, even on a screen, can help to co-regulate our emotional ups and downs. 

If you know of someone in your life who feels alone right now, please reach out and check on them. It can mean the world to them. 

A heartwarming sense of community all around

It’s one of the most amazing things I’ve seen come out of this whole scary, crazy time in the world: a renewed sense of community. I’ve been connecting with friends over video chat everyday, scheduling virtual happy hours with people I love near and far but have not previously taken the time to do so with. It’s been refreshing and given me something to look forward to each day. This helps to break up my week when the days feel blurred together. Though I don’t live alone, it has reminded me that my network is not as small as it sometimes feels.

Good things are still happening from the safety of our homes

There is so much scary stuff going on in the news, and everyone is probably experiencing information overload. But in the safety of our homes, people are dancing, playing, creating, and loving. And I have some good news as well amidst all the chaos!

My boyfriend of five years popped the question during the first week of the stay-at-home order! It’s a strange time to get engaged, but it was such exciting news to share with our loved ones. We made a huge effort to make phone and video calls to share it before we posted it on social media. 

We had a family member who wanted to buy us dinner to celebrate, but due to the outbreak we will not be able to see them for who knows how long. They sent us a photo of their credit card and told us to find the nicest restaurant in Seattle that we could that was still offering takeout. We brought dinner home with a bottle of wine and ate with our family over FaceTime. It wasn’t traditional, but it was lovely.

While we are living with a cloud of dread over us, we also continue to live our lives from our homes, the sweet moments, the family time - good and bad, is still happening and life quietly goes on.

Some of these changes are for the good

My boyfriend, er, FIANCE and I fortunately have not yet grown sick of each other. I have actually felt our connection grow during our forced togetherness because we are taking the time to do things we never have the time to do. We have been taking walks around our neighborhood a few days a week. We are watching documentaries and learning new things. People out on the street are saying hello to each other, even if it’s from six feet away. I’m appreciating the smells of trees, the beautiful sight of cherry blossoms when I go outside.

I’m hopeful that some of the social changes happening will stick around long after this pandemic. I want to hold onto our desire to connect again, to appreciate the outdoors more, to be more creative.

I hope you are finding a new appreciation for simple things too.

Reach out  - we are here for you

If you or anyone you know is experiencing the loneliness epidemic, please reach out to us. We are a dedicated team of clinicians ready to connect with you online. We know a thing or two about working from home, trips to the store, everyone being home and how to creatively connect with people who matter to us. 

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Sarah Reijnen is the Director of First Impressions at People Bloom Counseling, the latest addition to our tribe. It has been a crazy time to begin training for a new job! While learning the ropes as the new intake whiz, she is also in the midst of completing her  internship in Marriage and Family Therapy. She loves sunshine, paddle boarding and dogs of any kind.

A Simple Word Exercise to Help Frontline Workers Decompress During their Breaks

Photo by Ashkan Forouzani on Unsplash

Being Adaptive

I once went to a training where an ex-firefighter turned marriage counselor told the story of post-911 rescue efforts. He was in a damaged building next to “the Pile” with his buddies, looking for survivors. They moved cautiously and strategically for fear that what remains of the building would collapse. They had to muster up the courage to keep going and push aside any feelings of vulnerability. It was only when they were back at the station could they commiserate about being incredibly scared that they might not make it back to their families. 

He went on to explain that the most adaptive people he knows are those who have learned when to turn their emotions on and when to turn them off. It’s not functional to wall off your family at home because you’re still in work mode, and nor is it helpful to melt into a puddle at work. 

This is not to say you can’t have a bad day at work, especially during a time like this. I’m not going there with you right now, not in this post. I am explaining how I’ve structured these exercises as a way to help you turn on and off your emotions, depending on where you are in your shift.

Statements to help prepare you for work, during work and after work

Below are statements that I’ve come up with to help ground you throughout the day. While I’m not in your line of work, I try to put myself in your shoes and walk around in them as I reflect on what statements could be helpful. If you can come up with better statements, or can ask your partner, your kids to give you a phrase to remember at work, please do. “Mom, I’m so proud of the work that you are doing!” is a good one. Remember that some statements may be more helpful at certain times than others. Statements like, “Daddy, I miss you! Come home to us!” may trigger more vulnerable feelings at the beginning of your shift than when you’re on your way home.

As you read the statements out loud to yourself with an emphasis on each of the bolded words, please let that statement sink in, time and again. The statement may feel differently to you, depending on where the emphasis is. They’re meant to help anchor you into the reality of the statement, to steady you, so please don’t be so quick to brush them aside. While they’ll not magically make you feel better in the moment, with practice, they can help you feel more present and centered. Reading them out loud and taking your time with them is the best way to practice this exercise but it’s also possible to do the emphasis quietly within. Read it together with a colleague, six feet apart, except for when you’re in the loo, of course. Or, read it by yourself.

Before your shift

The last day you worked is behind you. Whether that was just hours ago or a few days ago, it’s most helpful to focus on what’s ahead. While our mind might want to trick you into thinking that you’re still reliving a past experience, your body resets every time you wake up. Today is indeed a new day. 

The past is behind me. Today is a new day. 

The past is behind me. Today is a new day. 

The past is behind me. Today is a new day. 

The past is behind me. Today is a new day. 

The past is behind me. Today is a new day. 

The past is behind me. Today is a new day. 

The past is behind me. Today is a new day. 

The past is behind me. Today is a new day. 

The past is behind me. Today is a new day. 

The past is behind me. Today is a new day. 

During your bathroom break

You’re taking a breather but you don’t have a lot of time. Instead of scrolling through your phone while you’re on the can, read this statement instead: 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself. 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself. 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself.

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself. 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself. 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself. 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself. 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself. 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself. 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself. 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself.

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself. 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself.

During your lunch break 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

On your way home

You have carried the weight of the day on your shoulders; it’s now time to let go of that load. Up until now, you’ve needed to wall off your vulnerable emotions to stay sane and do your job well. It’s time to turn them back on. If that means you need to cry in the car, shake your body out (in no particular fashion), call up a good friend, pray to your higher power... do what you need to do. Then consider this last statement to prepare you to go home: 

My shift is behind me. My family is before me. 

My shift is behind me. My family is before me. 

My shift is behind me. My family is before me. 

My shift is behind me. My family is before me. 

My shift is behind me. My family is before me. 

My shift is behind me. My family is before me. 

My shift is behind me. My family is before me. 

My shift is behind me. My family is before me. 

My shift is behind me. My family is before me. 

My shift is behind me. My family is before me. 

And please make it safely home.

Warmly,
Ada

Resources for Exhausted Front-line Workers During the COVID-19 Outbreak

Photo by 烧不酥在上海 老的 on Unsplash

This one’s for the cashiers. The janitors. The delivery drivers. The food packagers and the gas station attendants.  It’s for the doctors, the nurses, therapists and front desk crew at the ER. To anyone who’s working overtime while the world stands still in fear, we want to sincerely thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

While half of your friends and loved ones are unemployed and figuring out what to do with newfound free time, you’re working round the clock. You’re overwhelmed, burned out, and constantly worried. We see you and we want to thank you for putting yourself in the front lines during a pandemic. You are essential. 

We’ve compiled a short list of community resources that will hopefully help you get through the coming weeks.

Mental health sessions at free or reduced rates for frontline workers

Seattle COVID Worker Care Network 

Washington COVID-19 Mental Health Network

CORONAVIRUS online therapy

Project Parachute: Pro Bono Teletherapy for COVID-19 Frontliners

Free mindfulness apps and workout videos 

If you have time after a long shift, take a yoga class and stretch it out with the following free resources -

Downdog App is offering free workout videos through July 1st.

Headspace has free access to meditations through 2020.

The YMCA regularly releases free workout videos.

Orangetheory helps you work your whole body in 40-ish minute segments.

Free food and additional perks for frontline workers

Food freebies according to Business Insider

Additional perks listed in the Seattle PI

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We hope that you are able to find time for yourself to reset on a regular basis. To say that you deserve it is an understatement.

Warmly,
The Tribe at People Bloom

Adapting Sleep Habits During COVID-19 - 11 Helpful Tips

Photo by Tracey Hocking on Unsplash

Information overload

If you’re anything like me, you might be inundated with COVID information from Newsfeed, Zoom call and WhatsApp with friends and colleagues, and well-meaning articles shared by your partner. Some content is clearly helpful and others a total waste of time. 

Or, you’re in the frontlines, rushing patients to the hospital, admitting and treating patients, cleaning in “essential business” buildings, delivering our Amazon packages, our mail, bagging our groceries. Things are absolutely overwhelming and you’re thoroughly exhausted after your shifts. It’s hard to turn your mind off even when you’re lying in bed, trying to rest. 

When our lives have been turned upside down, the coping skills that used to help don’t anymore. The same can be said of our sleep routine, especially when our schedules are also off. 

As a therapist, I’ve adapted these tried and true sleep habits that will hopefully help us with this continued transition. Sleep is essential because our mind and our body need rest. 

Here are 11 tips to improve sleep problems, further adapted given our health crisis: 

1. “Wind down” before bedtime – When your mind is still reliving the day or you were busy catching up with your family right before you crash into bed, you really haven’t prepared your mind for rest. For an hour before bedtime, do something calming and mindless, like light book reading, crocheting, listening to soothing music, taking a warm bath, or moving through gentle yoga. Avoid blue light from screens as they disrupt your body’s production of melatonin. Practice relaxation and breathing exercises to help clear your mind and lull you to sleep.

2. Jot down your to-do’s and worries - If you’re laying in bed and your mind starts to ruminate, keep a notepad nearby for quick notes. Now is not the time to start writing a novel; rather it is the practice of letting go of your thoughts and worries. The paper will hold them for you; you can refer back to it when you wake up. 

3. Keep bed only for sleep – Do not stream Netflix, talk on the phone, scroll through FB, review work or solve problems while in bed. Go to bed only when you are drowsy and ready for sleep. 

4. If you don’t fall asleep within 30 minutes, get up – Go to another area of your house and do something relaxing until you feel drowsy. This is especially true if you woke up in the middle of the night and you have trouble falling back asleep. If it helps, keep warm and comfortable clothing nearby to help you transition out of bed. When you only come back to bed feeling tired, this will help associate your bed with sleep and rest. 

5. Aim for your optimal sleep amount - While the word on the street is that an average of eight hours of sleep is optimal for the human body, what is optimal depends on your body. Some people need 10. Others are happy with six. Aim for the amount that would help you function during your waking hours. 

6. Have a regular bedtime and rising time – You might be working 12-hour shifts or shifts that are unlike your usual schedule. To the extent that you can go to sleep and wake up at around the same time everyday, your body has less adjusting to do. If in general, your sleep schedule is way off, incrementally shift your sleep and wake time by 30-min until you’ve adapted to the new schedule. After your body has adapted to sleeping by 12am and waking up at 8am, you can make another 30-min incremental change by going to sleep at 11:30pm and waking up by 7:30am, for example.

7. Limit naps – A midday nap as short as 10 minutes can improve mood and mental performance. However, limit your nap to 15 minutes and don’t take it later than 4pm, or the nap may interfere with your sleep cycle.

8. Stay active during the day – Sheltering-in-place has changed up the way people are working out. Or, with your busier than normal shifts, you might be doubling the number of steps on your Fitbit. If your routine is very sedentary, leave the house on a nice walk, run on a less busy street or jump onto the many at-home workouts on YouTube. On the contrary, if your feet hurt at the end of the day from too much commotion, do some gentle stretching to help your body wind down. 

9. Decrease stimulants – Avoid smoking, drinking coffee, caffeinated tea or soda after 4pm.

10. Limit water intake before bedtime – Perhaps you already have the habit of needing to take a leak in the middle of the night. If you have a full bladder, it will disrupt your sleep. Drink less liquids and go to the bathroom one last time before you climb into bed. 

11. Inspect your bedroom environment – Depending on whether you or your partner need to be quarantined or whether you’re concerned about infecting your family as a frontline worker, you might be adapting to a sleeping arrangement. Look around the space where you’ve camped: Is the space dark and free of noise? Is your bed comfortable? Is the room temperature comfortable and preferably a bit on the cool side? Do you feel safe and serene in this environment? If not, what would help create that sense of safety and security? Add images that are calming – a picture of your family, a pet, an outdoor scene, a comforting item, a poem. Move small furniture around to make this space yours. We’ll be here for a while.

Taking small steps

Just because I listed 11 steps does not mean you have to do all 11. I’m guessing you’re already doing some of these things and there are also areas that you can improve on. Honestly, it’s still a work in progress for me. 

Getting good and adequate sleep is essential for our immune system right now. I hope this helps your mind and body recover to face the day ahead. 

Warmly,
Ada

A Letter to Janitors During the Coronavirus

Photo by Verne Ho on Unsplash

Dear Janitor, 

When I was a kid, my parents worked a bunch. We were still living in Hong Kong at the time. Mom taught at a private school and dad was a technician for a local telephone company. They were busy and my sister and I were often the last ones to get picked up from school. I remember getting to know the cleaning crew who could be heard vacuuming, emptying the trash, scrubbing. They were friendly and hard workers, like my parents. 

Fast forward a few decades. I’m at my first job out of grad school and I was often the last to leave. I got to befriend the janitors there. Hector was Filipino and John white. When John had a birthday, Hector and I sang him Happy Birthday. Eventually, John moved onto a different job. As did I, but it was hard to say goodbye to Hector. 

Now as a business owner, I still find myself leaving late. While I’ve gotten better at it, I do sometimes stay until the cleaning crew arrives. I love saying hi and bye to them because they’re hard workers and their jobs are very important. When they listen to music in their own language while they work, I feel right at home. They keep our offices very clean and they go above and beyond to vacuum our couches! 

I can’t appreciate them enough. 

I can’t appreciate you enough. 

You empty our hospital’s garbage, now containing infectious materials. You take extra care to scrub down every surface and disinfect door knobs, light switches, every nook and cranny to keep us safe, even if that means more work during each shift. During this health pandemic, you wonder if you might get infected and in turn get your family sick. Yet, you still show up; to provide for your family; to help the rest of us. 

You do your job well so we can do ours. For that, I can’t thank you enough. 

I hope you go home healthy to your family. 

Warmly,
Ada

Thrown into Working from Home? Here’s How to Do it Without Losing Your Mind

Photo by James McDonald on Unsplash

When working from home is a mandate

Whether you’re self-quarantining or your work place closed, you are probably spending more time than ever before at home. COVID-19 is inducing a strange sense of panic and calm in people - torn between a sense of urgency to do something but stuck at home with nothing to do. We’re all finding a new normal from within our homes. I’ve heard all sorts of accounts from friends stuck at home and finding creative ways to pass the time. These accounts include cleaning out pantries, (finally) doing taxes, taking up cross-stitching, practicing musical instruments from high school, and even hand writing letters to family!

It’s understandable to worry about the future in these uncertain times. But instead of letting COVID-19 consume us with anxiety, we can all take this opportunity to develop helpful home habits and ride through the chaos.

This goes for the new remote workplace as well. 

For those of us in the workforce who are suddenly placed on mandatory work-from-home, the ability to do so might come as a relief, but the transition to remote work is definitely an adjustment. I’ve been working remotely for three years so social distancing is my jam! Working remotely has its perks, but the isolation and lack of structure can upset your flow and make your job harder than it needs to be.

Tips for successful work-from-home-days

Set up a comfortable, private workstation

I can’t stress this enough. You may be thinking - but this is only temporary, I’ll just push all this crap on the dining table to the side and set up my laptop here for now. I wouldn’t recommend it.  If that’s how you roll, you’re not going to get anything done.

The best thing you can do for your sanity and your physical health is to choose a designated spot where only work happens, and make your workstation as ergonomic as possible under the circumstances. I know we can’t all afford to buy a second monitor and office chair with lumbar support, but if you have those things, use them! Bring them home from the office if necessary. Set up your desk so that you can stand at it even if it means stacking phone books under your monitor to raise it up.  If you’re on the phone a lot, invest in a good headset.

Make sure you are able to get privacy. If you can choose a room with a lock, all the better. If not, use a “do not disturb” sign such that when work gets extra busy, kids or roomies know not to walk in on your conference calls.  

Almost as important is to set up a space that is aesthetically pleasing to you. Do whatever gets you motivated for work! Find a spot that gets natural light. Keep your space tidy. Put a plant next to your computer. Put things around you that are soothing. Do you need a coaster for your coffee, the coffee being the key here? Are your hands so dry from all that hand washing that you’d want to keep your favorite lotion around? In the same way you’d decorate your away-from-home office, it can be fun to do the same for your at-home office.

Get dressed and get ready to face the world

Seriously, get dressed. Even if no one will see your face for days. Getting dressed helps you feel more confident and professional, and you’ll act accordingly. The days that I’m still in my sweat pants and oversized space cat t-shirt at 5pm are my worst days. I end the day depressed and feeling like I never really started the day.

I’m not saying you have to wear your pencil skirt or tuck in your shirt. Unless it’s required for your line of work and you’ll be videoconferencing the whole day, I’m a big advocate for doing away with traditional office attire. But do put on clothes that make you feel confident, comfortable, and ready to face challenges. If you can, keep it casual Friday at home as well.

If you never know when you may need to hop on a video call or training session, wash your face and tame that hair, like you (sort of) care!

Set a schedule and stick to it

Think you might be a slacker? 

Are you worried that if you’re left to discipline yourself, you’ll just binge watch The Great British Baking show and eat cheesy poofs all day? I hear you. When I tell people I work from home, they often respond with “I couldn’t do that, I would get so distracted and not get anything done!”  You may think you can’t be trusted to actually work, but in reality, if a job has to be done, and if you’re capable of doing it at the office, you’ll muster up what it takes to do it without your supervisor watching your every move.

The thing is, people crave structure. If you don’t have any order to your day at home, you’re going to feel pretty scattered, and trying to work that way is unsustainable. Set a work schedule similar to one you’d keep in the office to avoid wasting time. Tell your coworkers when you'll be available so they keep you accountable, and also let them know when you’re logging out. This means setting timers - multiple, if you have trouble sticking to schedules. 

For the workaholics 

On the other hand, can you see yourself struggling to separate work from life? I get carried away with work, and before I know it, I’m working 10-12 hour days, and my back is sore from all the sitting. Set boundaries for yourself based on the kind of problems you foresee having. Make a rule that you won’t check work mail after a certain time of the day. As tempting as it may be to compulsively come back for more, notice that urge and direct your attention to doing non-work again.

This also includes taking a lunch break! And please, no checking email or even looking at your computer for at least half an hour! Oh, I know you’re going to try to eat at your desk. Don’t. Eating at your desk prevents you from putting aside precious me time.  When you worked in the office, you did things like go out for coffee or walk between buildings to break up your day - you still need that when working from home. You work hard - give yourself that break.

Find ways to socialize and interact so you don’t feel so isolated

Social distancing does not mean social isolation. Physical distancing is a more accurate description. While many introverts are rejoicing at the mandate to socially distance, others are going to miss and crave that social interaction of office culture. For many of us, work is our main social outlet - after all, we spend 75% of our days with these people! No more chats with coworkers, coffee breaks with your work-pals, and happy hours with Katie catching up on the latest juicy gossip. You’ll miss giving Pam a knowing look when Michael says something insane (shout out to The Office…anyone?). 

Socializing aside, there are also benefits to having coworkers on hand to actually work with. Brainstorming ideas and team work will need to be restructured from home. You may find out that virtual staff meetings aren’t as effective if you can’t do quick check-ins with Paul after. Not to mention the number of email exchanges just increased by two fold, as if you didn’t have enough to catch up on at all times. Find the best balance to be able to communicate while also getting work done in a way that doesn’t drive you bonkers.

Schedule video calls regularly

To resolve this dilemma, you’ll have to go out of your way to interact with others. Days could go by before you see another person. If you work in a team, call or set up regular video calls for debriefing sessions. Google Hangouts or Zoom allow you to do that without a hitch. Running ideas by your coworkers can help you process. Without an outlet for that, ideas can stew in your head and become anxieties. Seeing their face will also help you remember there’s a human behind that flurry of emails and make you feel more seen as well. 

The importance of communication

If you report to a supervisor, check in with them to let them know your progress on projects. When everyone is scattered in their respective remote locations, tasks can get lost without clear communication. Task management apps like Trello make it easier. Group chat platforms like Slack are great for keeping communication up with your team.  

Be very deliberate about leaving screen time behind

So, we’re about to be spending at least a third of the work days at our computers, and when that’s done, we’re probably going to be tuned into social media, scrolling through the latest nerve-wracky breaking news.  This gives us very little time to…human. Before we all turn to androids, let’s break that addiction cycle by shutting that computer down and going outside. If you haven’t been quarantined or put on lockdown, go on a hike, away from it all. If you have a backyard, play fetch with the dog, throw a ball around with your kids. If you have a balcony, sit out there and bask in the sun with a book you’ve always wanted to read.

We’re not going to be able to release tension by socializing at the church potluck or local pub for a while. I have a feeling that nature is going to be our savior in the coming months. This is our chance to ground ourselves in just being people on earth.  

It’s ok to not work straight through

Your boss might disagree, but with the stress of it all, it’s hard to be firing on all cylinders All. The. Time. Even with your best attempts, you’ll be interrupted, your mind will drift, you’ll be tired of doing video calls all day long. You know what it takes to get the work done. As long as you’re getting it done, it’s ok to take time to tend to your kids, make a call to your insurance rep, or place a grocery delivery order. If you need to take care of some personal business during the day, that’s ok - that’s how work-life balance is created. 

Get movin’!

Back in the office, you were mostly confined to your desk, in that awful L-shaped seated position. If you needed to stretch it all out, it was probably awkward to foam roll on the floor every couple hours with Debbie in HR watching. But now….you’re home! This is your chance to move your body and keep it safe from those injuries related to a sedentary lifestyle. Set a timer to do regular stretches to keep your body healthy - the last thing you need is a neck cramp when all the chiropractors are closed.

If there’s a silver lining 

Find the balance that keeps you from going stir crazy. The nice thing is that your hours are usually more flexible when you’re at home, and that can actually yield more productivity than being confined to a cubicle for eight hours of the day.

Maybe this whole situation will build better, healthier work habits. After all, it takes an average of 66 days to form a new habit. We’re about half way there. We can either worsen neck and back pains, stress eat, and feel even more secluded in our Seattle freeze when we come out of this health crisis….or, we can pick up a new hobby, make meaningful connections in our communities and realize that we’re more resilient than we know. This is a scary time, so here’s to the long haul.

Before I log off, I want to remind you our counselors are here for you. They can chat over video if you need someone to talk this out with. Even when you’re physically distancing, there’s still a way to connect. They’re as real behind a screen as they are in person. 

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Karen Lenz is the Office Whiz and Insurance Guru at People Bloom Counseling. She writes blog posts as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. In these stressful times, she has never been more thankful to have her dog Ziggy by her side during her work days. He loves making appearances behind her in conference calls and getting laughs out of everyone! He makes all the stress melt away and reminds her of what matters most.