When Grief is Messy: 3 Lessons Learned (Plus a Bonus)

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When Grief is Messy

I work with cancer patients and go through the ups and downs of diagnosis and treatment with them. Having recently lost my father-in-law and previous to that, lost family members to unexpected causes, I understand that grief can be messy. 

Earlier this year, for reasons prior to my own recent loss, my relationship with grief started to shift. I miss people I’ve lost but I’m starting to accept that grief and loss are a natural part of life. While it matters how the person passed away and whether I had a chance to say goodbye, their physical absence is permanent and nothing I do can change that. I still feel saddened by their loss, but the grief feels calmer, more settled. Through my lived experiences and the witnessing of other people’s grief journey, I’ve come to three lessons learned. 

There’s no one way to grieve

When I listen to jazz, I’m reminded of dad. While washing his clothes, I teared up. We bought a used RV and he had previously questioned whether that was a good idea. I’d speak quietly to him, saying, “Dad, we’re going on an adventure”. I talk to other people about missing him. I want to be with others but I also want to be alone. 

My husband uses dad’s old keychain and will wear one of his Hawaiian shirts to our friend’s wedding tomorrow. He says he feels his feels but he doesn’t bring up dad. He has a quiet resonance to my sharing. There was a time when I wasn’t sure if he was distracting himself or avoiding his grief. I couldn’t tell, but I also need to trust his words for it. 

Grief doesn’t look any one way and it doesn’t need to. How we choose to honor the memory of those we’ve lost is very specific to us as individuals, so let’s not insist that we must cry at funerals or else it means that the person didn’t matter to us. Or, it’s a celebration of life, so no tears allowed; only happy memories. Or, how can you book a trip to Disneyland when it overlaps the deceased’s birthday, favorite holiday, or death anniversary? That’s so heartless!

How we grieve is how we grieve. How others grieve is how they grieve. Let’s not judge. 

When one grief leads to another 

The thing is, grief is messy; it’s not linear. I even intentionally mixed up the stages of grief in a previous post about cancer. Not only is grief all over the place, it also connects our hearts to other losses in ways we least expect it. 

While sad about dad, I was reminded of his sister whom we lost to cancer a few years back. Then I started missing her. As if it’s contagious, my mind shifted to an uncle on my MIL’s side of the family and we lost him almost eight years ago! My heart was whelmed over. WTF, I thought I’ve grieved the loss of these people! And I have, but that doesn’t prevent my heart and mind from making these connections. I was missing them all over again, and for a moment dipped into the pain of those losses.

It’s okay to cry again, to be surprised by your own emotions, and to replay the sound of that person’s voice in your head. Deaths are significant, no matter how long they’ve been. So take a moment and let your emotions run. The word “emotions” contains the word “motions.”

Your emotions need to move. Let them move from the inside out.

Grief happens when it happens and lasts as long as it lasts

As you can imagine, death doesn’t wait for you to be in between jobs, for your kid to be off to college, for there to be at least a five-year gap from when you last experienced a loss. Neither does grief. Grief happens when it happens. I was writing this blog and started to tear up. You can be reading a receipt and be reminded of your son’s hockey jersey number. We would need to stop watching most shows if we don’t want to be triggered by death and dying. It doesn’t take much for grief to surface and when it does, let it be. 

Grief also lasts as long as it lasts. When asked how long is my sister, my wife, my dad going to grieve, grief expert David Kessler answered, “How long is the person going to be dead? If the person is going to be dead, they’ll be grieving for a long time.” The first two years are merely the early stage of grief. Mature grief is when we live out the rest of our lives without that person. 

So, if those five days of bereavement leave didn’t do anything for you, that’s because it’s better than nothing and yet completely insufficient. Your friend got over their partner in a year and remarried and you’re still a puddle on the floor? Their grief is their business and your grief is yours. 

Let your own grief journey take you to your healing.

Bonus: Remember how you remember

If there’s no one way to grieve, there’s no one way to remember. However you choose to remember your loved one is right. And when you want to switch up your ritual, it’ll be right then too. Going fishing is a great way to grieve, as is riding on Space Mountain or eating curry fish. You don’t have to wear sackcloth and ashes to be considered legitimately grieving, though no offense if that is you. Only you would know if you’re grieving, so do you.

An invitation to grieve

My hope for you is that you may stay present with your grief and take some time with it. If you need help through the grieving process, you know where to find us. 

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. She remembers her friend Molly when she sees creepy art and eats Heirloom oranges. She celebrates her aunt when she eats dim sum. May you find your ways too.

Three Tips on How to be a Good Friend During a Medical Emergency

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Having been through a family medical emergency recently, how to best support the immediate family is top of mind. Friends and the larger community come with the best intentions, but sometimes, things get missed. Here are a few tips on how to be a good friend during these critical times. 

1. Drop off food in disposable tupperware - During a medical emergency, the last thing the family needs to worry about are dishes. If you want to drop off food, and there’s no obligation to, use unquestionably disposable tupperwares that do not need to be returned. If the family doesn’t answer the door, leave food on the porch and text. If they do answer the door, keep the conversation short. They might not have the emotional capacity to engage right now. 

2. Expect no responses - Everyone is different and we all respond to situations in our own way. When you reach out to your friend to show care and support, expect no responses. If they engage, great! If they don’t, let them be. They’re not trying to be offensive; they’re simply preserving their emotional and physical energy to cope with their loss. 

3. Respect your friend’s wishes - If you hear through the grapevine that your friend doesn’t want to be contacted for the time being, you’re no exception. Just because you’ve known them for a long time or you’ve been through similar situations doesn’t make you the person they want to talk to right now. Chances are, if and when they want to talk, you might very well be on speed dial. Until then, respect their wishes for limited contact. 

Similarly, if they requested vegetarian dishes and you make a great meat lasagna that they used to love, listen to what they’re wanting right now. A meal for two with no leftovers is not a code word for something else. 

It is hard to not be able to give the help and support you want to give when your friend is suffering. This is the time for your friend; not for you. When the tables are turned, I hope they’d show up for you too, in ways you find most supportive to you. 

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. She’s grateful for the power of friendships and how they can ease emotional burden during human suffering. Thanks for being that friend. 

How to be an Emotional Support Human during a Medical Emergency

I’m writing this from out of town following a family medical emergency. The days are long and the waiting is hard. Little comments bring tears to our eyes, after which we move onto what needs to be done by whom when. Someone once said, “There is as much life in a moment of pain as there is in a moment of joy”.* We’re trying to take in all the moments.

As a trained therapist, my family is obviously not my clients. However, when one of us is upset, I naturally step in to give permission to feel our feelings, to provide empathy and validation, to give a hug and to remind everyone what the medical team has said. I think about pets and how they can be emotionally supportive and soothing during upsetting times. What can we learn from animals on how to be emotionally supportive during a medical emergency? 

Three tips to be an emotionally supportive human

When you don’t know what to say, say nothing

Animals don’t talk; they stay close and make themselves available. They sense that you’re in distress and they come near. People have the best intentions and they want to be supportive, but when they don’t know what to say, they can say the weirdest sh*t. “Oh, they’ve lived a long life,” or “At least you get to marry somebody else,” or “A similar thing happened to my sister…” and then they go on to tell their story.

Just. Stop. Talking. 

And never begin sentences with, “At least…” These words convey the opposite of empathy. For example, “At least they’re in a better place” is to say it’s a good thing that the person is no longer with us. When someone is grieving a loss and missing the person, that might not be comforting. 

Similarly, when you begin sentences with the words, “I’m glad…”, for the grieving, there might be nothing glad about the situation, not in that moment of pain. So, before you say something, ask yourself if it’s to make you feel better or do you really have the other person in mind? If it’s for you, keep it to yourself.

Keep your judgement to yourself

Animals don’t judge; their presence is unconditional. You can have bad breath, the worst hair day, be in a bad mood, feel horrible about yourself… It doesn't matter. When you want to climb into a hole, your emotional support animal climbs in there with you. 

People have judgments about what should’ve happened to prevent this or that or how something should be handled now that we’re where we are. People have opinions and some people have more than one, which inadvertently places judgment on an already very sad and heavy situation. 

Before you share your opinion, ask yourself, “Am I just saying this to be heard or is this solely to benefit the other person?” If it’s the latter, ask for permission to share. “I have a thought about this. Would you want to hear it?” It’s an overwhelming time for families going through a medical emergency. Even if you’re trying to be helpful with your comments, now might not be the time. Be respectful of how much information can be absorbed. Even good and helpful things can be left unsaid. 

Take care of basic needs

Under stress, there’s a tendency to throw basic self-care out the window. I’m talking about drinking water, going to the bathroom, keeping good posture, regulating your body temperature, etc. As an emotional support human, remind people to do these basic things. “It’s time to take a break from visiting and go for a walk” or “Let’s eat something now”. Be respectful and gentle with these prompts and never demanding. If it can be helpful, let them know the person they’re visiting would want that for them too. 

Taking care of basic needs would include your needs too. Imagine an emotional support animal that is sleep deprived, hungry, dirty and holding in their pee. They can get agitated, be smelly or accidentally wet the couch. Take breaks, keep up with your personal hygiene and get some air. You can only be emotionally supportive if you stay healthy and well. 

Take good care. 

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. After this blog, she’ll do some light stretching on Peloton and go for a long walk. Just taking it a moment at a time. 

A Non-Holiday Blog on Self-Compassion

It’s the holidays again and I, for one, do not know how 2021 passed us by. Rather than inundating you with another blog on how to survive an endemic holiday, here’s a poem by James Crews to remind you of self-compassion to take with you into the holiday season and beyond:

Self-Compassion

My friend and I snickered the first time

we heard the meditation teacher, a grown man,

call himself honey, with a hand placed

over his heart to illustrate how we too 

might become more gentle with ourselves

and our runaway minds. It’s been years

since we sat with legs twisted on cushions,

holding back our laughter, but today

I found myself crouched on the floor again,

not meditating exactly, just agreeing

to be still, saying honey to myself each time

I thought about my husband splayed

on the couch with aching joints and fever

from a tick bite—what if he never gets better?—

or considered the threat of more wildfires,

the possible collapse of the Gulf Stream,

then remembered that in a few more minutes, 

I’d have to climb down to the cellar and empty

the bucket I placed beneath a leaky pipe

that can’t be fixed until next week. How long

do any of us really have before the body

begins to break down and empty its mysteries

into the air? Oh honey, I said—for once

without a trace of irony or blush of shame—

the touch of my own hand on my chest

like that of a stranger, oddly comforting

in spite of the facts.

- James Crews 

However you wrap up 2021, may your heart be filled with Oh honey, and your hand, self-directed, bring stillness and comfort. 

We look forward to being with you in 2022. 

With care,
The team at People Bloom

Letting Go When a Friendship Ends

Photo by Clarisse Meyer on Unsplash

There’s so much advice and guidance out there on how to heal from break ups. If you just broke up with your honey, Cosmo gives you full permission to have a good cry, bust out bonbons, put on a Rom Com and stay in bed all week. But there’s very little in the self-help world about what to do when platonic friends go separate ways.

We’ve all been there - and it feels weird and confusing.

Why we hang on

Sometimes we hang on to friendships because we don’t know any better. We do it because the friendship is comfortable and it’s scary to walk away.Other times we hang on to friends because of fear that we’ll hurt their feelings if we leave their side. Still other times, we cling because it’s what we know, and it's hard to imagine our life without the person we were once close to.

Why we break up 

Even if you had amazing times with a friend in the past, it doesn’t mean that connection was meant to last forever. As we get older, we often change so much that we’re no longer compatible with old friends. Or maybe you’ve stayed the same, but your friend’s interests and values have shifted, or vice versa.  Sometimes our life circumstances change. There are countless reasons for going separate ways, and all are valid.

Not all friendships are meant to persist. With age we learn to distinguish between friendships that we should fight to keep, and those we should release. If you tune into what fills your cup, you know deep down what’s best for you.

Whether you have a conversation about breaking up or the friendship dissipates on its own, it can be uncomfortable. Telling someone you can’t be their friend feels harsh, even if your words are true. Ghosting feels flakey and lacks heart.

However you go about ending a friendship, it’s ok to free yourself of the guilt you feel. Keeping a friendship that no longer works for you can feel disingenuous. It is likely taking up spoons that you can use elsewhere. When you let go of a friendship, you’re setting boundaries and doing what’s best for you.

When a friend lets us go

Sometimes we’re the ones hanging on to the past. In this case, you and your bygone friend aren’t on the same page - you want to fight for a friendship, but you see signs that your friend doesn’t reciprocate this feeling. If you were once close, this can feel as painful as a romantic break-up, and no one ever prepared us for this scenario.  

The comfort I want to offer is this: know that parting ways with friends we once loved is common and normal. Friendship goes through seasons and sometimes, these relationships wither and don’t make it to that next season. Mourn the friendship by remembering the good things, and then honor your friend’s choice to let you go. 

And it’s also ok if it takes time to accept. When you have to say goodbye to friendships that mattered at one point, it makes sense that it would hurt. There’s no manual for how to do it right, or how to heal So, take your time getting over this breakup like you would a relationship breakup. Significant friendships were once intimate after all.

Finding your own closure

Because the end of a friendship is usually muddled in a grey area and doesn’t always get the closure that some romantic partnerships do, you may have to say your goodbyes on your own.  You can do this in a journal, in your thoughts and prayers, or in conversations with people you trust. Honor these past friends by acknowledging the good things they brought to your life in the season you had together. There was a time when it served you both well. It wasn’t all for nothing but it’s also time to move on.

Friendship breakups can be disorienting - but they are part of being social creatures, and I’m certain they’re the topic of many therapy sessions. If you need extra support, our therapists can guide you through this change in season, and help you see that your life can be whole, even as friends come and go

Let us know if we can help!

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Karen Lenz is the Office Whiz and Insurance Guru at People Bloom Counseling. She writes blog posts as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. She has noticed that old friends from past lives coming out of the woodwork during the pandemic and decided to share some reflections on those that have gone their own way.

How to Talk to your Partner to Get at the Heart of the Matter

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Change my partner!

Sometimes, couples come into our offices and they want to see behavioral changes: “He needs to not log back into work after the kids are in bed…” or “They need to go out with their friends less often!” or “I can’t stand her telling me what to do throughout the day!”

“They need to STOP!!!”

During these incidents, emotions run high and they get stuck on what the partner needs to do differently for the relationship to improve. As a couples therapist, I’m often attuned to what’s really going on underneath. What message does it send you when your partner does this or that? And even then, it’s much safer and less vulnerable to focus on behavioral changes. I slipped into a moment like that myself a few weeks back. 

Here’s what happened. 

Lost track of time

Husband plays online board games on Monday and Wednesday. It’s his time with his friends and I totally support him. One of these nights happened to fall on the second Seattle heat wave and we usually would move the portable AC unit from his office to our bedroom to help cool down the space for sleep. Husband is usually done by 10:30pm-ish, but on this night, he totally lost track of time. 

His gaming session was lively and I waited and waited and waited. Surely he’ll be done by 11pm. Right when I’d think about interrupting him, I’d tell myself he can’t be that much longer. At my wit’s end, I finally peeked in and said, “I need the AC.” 

Husband sprang up from his chair and said, “Oh shit!” apologizing profusely when he reached the bedroom. I was fuming and couldn’t muster up any helpful words. Husband then returned to finish the game, as he couldn’t possibly leave his team high and dry. It was at that time I remembered how it takes time for the AC to cool down an inside temperature of 96F.

Needless to say, I couldn’t fall asleep. 

What’s really going on

My husband came to bed eventually and I said the easier thing, “We need to set up a time limit for board game night so that you are done by 11pm.” Definitely casting blame, I was asking for a behavioral change to prevent future occurrences. Husband then got hung up on problem solving with me: “Are you saying I need to be done by 11pm or I need to have the AC in here by 11pm?”

By now, it’s late and pointless to get into a board game curfew. So instead of insisting on the behavioral change, I went to the heart of the matter: “I felt forgotten when you had the AC blasting in your office while the bedroom was steaming hot and I have to get up early for work tomorrow.” Husband apologized, said he got carried away with the game and asked that I interrupt him earlier next time. 

What’s different about this interaction is that I told him how I truly felt and he heard me, without dismissing or minimizing my experience. To tell him I felt forgotten was significantly harder than focusing on what he needs to change. It required me to be in touch with that hurt and to own my vulnerability. And, seeing his impact on me in this way, that tugged at his heart string in a deeper way.

On the outside perhaps the result looks the same, regardless of approach: We’d both work to prevent this from happening in the future. I can come in to interrupt him sooner and he can try to remember that if the AC is still blasting in his office at 10:30pm at night, the unit is likely needed elsewhere. If you look a little closer, however, there’s a difference: I could either try to micromanage him, which leads to emotional disconnection. Or, when his behavior has an impact on me, I could share what it brings up for me and how it affects me.

Because I did the latter in this case, he was receptive, and it brought us closer together. 

Future late nights

Last week, my husband came to bed late again, but this time it was work-related. I went into his office to say goodnight and asked him to give me a kiss when he comes to bed. The next morning, I asked if that happened and he said yes. He said I moved briefly but was otherwise asleep. It felt sweet to know that he remembered. That’s all that mattered. 

Go beyond behavioral changes

When you come into our office, we want to help you get to the heart of the matter. When you bring up what you want to see change in your partner, our couples therapists are here to help you go deeper. We don’t just want to help you change your behaviors; we want to help you feel closer and more connected to your partner.

Don’t settle for less.

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. As with many of these posts, her husband gave permission to share their moments of humanity. She wouldn’t be able to do this work without his support and his kisses.

A Therapist’s Story: Why it can be Harder for People from Marginalized Communities to Show Emotional Vulnerability

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As a therapist and fellow human being, I love Brené Brown. She challenges the notion that we need to have our sh*t together, hide our vulnerability or be alone in our shame. She encourages us to take risks, surround ourselves with arena-minded people and embrace our imperfections. What’s not to love about that? 

More recently, I’ve been thinking about how this might show up for people from marginalized communities. What does being vulnerable and taking risks look like for people from underrepresented groups?

A caveat

As a 1.5-generation Chinese Canadian woman living in the US in a stable home environment, I know I have a lot of privilege, but that doesn’t always translate to feeling emotionally safe in my environment. I do not pretend to fully understand or speak to the complex sociocultural identities of different marginalized groups. We are not all the same and we have our unique experiences and identities. As a WOC, I am, however, trying to shed light on the possibility that taking risks and giving perfectionism the middle finger can be harder for people from marginalized communities. 

To more fully understand someone’s current experience, we often need the back story. 

My back story

I was born in Hong Kong, a British-ruled colony that was handed back to China in 1997. For the first eight years of my life, I was with my people. Everyone looked like me and there were no issues with representation. The sense I got was that White people were seen favorably in HK. Some spoke Cantonese and held high government jobs, though I didn’t see it for myself. Impossible western beauty standards of pale skin, large eyes and “the straight nose” prevailed, but I didn’t think much of it as a kid. My parents modeled hard work and that was that. 

As uncertainty about the handover loomed, many  people considered migration. My family immigrated to Vancouver, BC, Canada when I was eight years old. I remembered answering a question from my teacher on the second day of class, “What color was the plane you flew in from?” 

“White and green,” I answered quietly.

I was so nervous to speak out loud in front of everyone. I went from being with people like me to being one of two Asian students. The other kid was a CBC, a Canadian Born Chinese, so even then, it’s not like we were kindred spirits. Kids mocked my English fluency (or their lack of) and the soy-marinated drumsticks my mom packed for my lunch. One time, two popular White girls pulled my chair from behind me so I might land on the ground. I noticed the chair moving and instinctively put my hand between my legs to grab a hold of the seat and heard, with giggles, “Oh, look at where her hand is!”

Kids tease each other all the time and I’ve heard much worse bullying stories. But, there’s an added element of wondering if I was picked on because of my race. Sometimes, it’s an obvious yes. Other times, it’s much more subtle. 

In the first few years, my sister and I changed schools often. Where we lived, there wasn’t a qualified English as a Second Language (ESL) program to help me go beyond my second grade Hong Kong (British) English level. Finally at Kingswood Elementary, we went through ESL classes with Mr. Kibblewhite,  whom nearly every student had a crush on. Given the influx of immigrants coming into Vancouver at the time, we were kicked out of ESL, not because we were proficient, but because of limited resources. 

At various times, I made friends with Elaine, Roy, Frank, David, Xavier and Susan who were CBC, white, Flipino and Black. There weren’t a lot of people who looked like me but I also wasn’t the only one who was different. We laughed; we joked. I had a place and it was with a diverse group of beautiful people. Life was simpler then and those were good times. 

My parents, in the meantime, worked their tails off starting their own telephone and alarm installation company as a condition for Canadian immigration. They had limited connections and had to break ground on foreign land. Mom was an English major, but couldn’t always find the right words to express herself. For dad, speaking English was like doing physical labor. Try going to a foreign country and using their language to get by, not for fun, but for survival. They felt that exhaustion.

A growing majority minority

In the late 80’s and early 90’s, Vancouver’s demographics began to change. Mass migration from HK and Taiwan meant that people who looked like me flooded the city, the province, the country. I moved through middle and high school with Chinese-speaking peers. Chinese businesses, shops, restaurants, malls and grocery stores started to pop up everywhere. Because of accessibility to my own culture, I reconnected to my roots and started listening to pop Chinese music, passing notes in my native tongue and drinking lots of bubble tea. It was a different kind of belonging.

We were slowly becoming the majority minority.

Meanwhile, my parents' business picked up. Serving mostly their own people and a blooming market, there was more work than there were hands to do it. Many decades later, they recall a very kind white-identified regional manager at Panasonic who visited their warehouse often and took them to their first Canadian fine dining experience. They were very sad when he passed away from cancer at a young age.

College days

By the time I went to college at The University of British Columbia (UBC), it was easy to spot Asian people on campus, especially in economics and computer science classes. My Department of Psychology and Family Studies was predominantly White but I joined a CBC college group where it was yet another kind of belonging. My Chinese speaking and writing ability deteriorated and my English proficiency increased again. During a class in Family Life Education, I disagreed with the professor on an assignment and my parents asked me to stand down. “Don’t rock the boat. Write what they want to hear.” I rebelled and stated my point of view. I got a C+ for that assignment, the lowest grade since I declared my major. My parents thought that was a lesson for me and it was: speaking out against authority can be costly but I also don’t regret it one bit. 

Two and a half hours south

I got my green card my senior year in college through my aunt’s family petition 15+ years earlier. Post-college, I came down to Seattle to work for a local Chinese non-profit organization before getting into Seattle Pacific University (SPU) for grad school. Being one of three Asians in the cohort, I was back to hustling. We were a tight-knit group and I made a lifelong friend, but there was something about being in the US, only 2.5 hours away from home, that made me keenly aware I was different from the dominant culture. 

I didn’t have my community with me; I had to make new ones. I have to fit in to get in. I clearly remember a conversation with a White classmate about our skin colors. The word, “Yellow” came up. I held my hand next to her pale white skin and said, “When I think about yellow, I think about this,” pointing to a canary yellow on my pencil case (remember one of those?! I still have said pencil case). “Our skin colors aren’t that different.”

Looking back, I was denouncing a part of my cultural and racial identity in favor of the White dominant culture. If we’re not that different, you’ll accept me, right? If I work hard enough, I’ll make it here, right? These thoughts point to the need to assimilate, but it also conveyed uncertainty. I do not know for sure that my efforts paid off.

Alas, I found people like me: 1.5 generation Asian working professionals who came to the states for college, or, ones who were  born here but came from an immigrant family. There is an ease to our shared experience. To this day, they remain my closest friends. 

Emotional vulnerability as a woman of color

As I consider my early years of studying and working in the US, I’ve been shaped by various cultural expectations of what it means to be a WOC. Don’t rock the boat. Work hard. Try to fit in. Smile and be nice. As the only person of color in a very supportive practicum group, I was afraid to take up space, so much so that when my practicum supervisor said gently that the most valuable resource people can give me is their time, I broke down. Six months into my first job, my supervisor picked up on my tendency to be hard on myself. Here are her words, verbatim: “Ada, I don’t expect you to be perfect!”

Being emotionally vulnerable requires me to be okay with falling short, to sit with people’s grace and/or judgment and my own shame, to be honest with what I might need in the moment and to courageously ask for it. Everything about that goes against the grain of what I’ve been taught to do to “make it,” to be successful as a WOC. But Brené is inviting me to let my guard down, because to be vulnerable is to be courageous. Does she know what she’s really asking of me?

Emotional vulnerability in marginalized communities

I then consider other marginalized communities where it hasn’t always been safe to be driving while Black, to be the first Hispanic in your family to graduate from college, to come out as queer, to be neurotypical but not a child prodigy, to be undocumented, to be fat-bodied, to be living paycheck to paycheck, to keep showing up even when you feel misunderstood or at times, “othered”. When your basic hierarchy of needs are not always met and you get the message that you need to stop exerting so much control over your environment and your outcome, that can be a total heart and mind fu*k. 

I argue that when people from marginalized communities are accepted, welcomed and fully celebrated for who they are, then they have more energy to risk being emotionally vulnerable. To experience this sense of belonging without the need to act a certain way or otherwise risk being racially profiled, favorably or not; that’s emotional and physical security. If Brené is inviting all people to come forward and show their cards, then we need to be aware of the additional layers of complexity and risk this might pose for marginalized groups. They might have more to lose. 

While equity and liberation movements continue to work at removing systemic barriers to access, it is not an even playing field and we shouldn’t treat it as such. It is in the safety and security of a responsive and inclusive environment that we learn to come forth as more fully ourselves. It is in these corrective emotional experiences, new experiences that correct earlier ones, for the better, that courage in vulnerability can show up. 

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. While she has written many blogs, this one took the longest to write. She encourages you to listen to the narrative of people different from you. 

How to Take Back Control when Anxiety Hits

Photo by Alex Chernenko on Unsplash

Are you sick of anxiety being at the driver’s seat, veering you toward the safest path but keeping you from the scenic route of your life? I can help you take back the wheel and enjoy the sights again. 

We’ve all had those times where anxiety takes over. This blog is for those folks whose anxiety interferes with life and tends to run the show on the reg. Anxiety can feel like a big scary no-no, a visceral experience in our bodies that must be avoided at all costs. But avoiding the things that cause anxiety often means we’re letting fear sit in the driver’s seat, ergo missing out on all the fun. That’s shitty and sad! But I bring good news - it doesn’t have to be this way.

Say what, Abby!? I don’t have to miss out on my life anymore because I’m anxious? Tell me MORE!

Alright then I will. 

The root cause of anxiety

Let’s get back to the basics and remind ourselves just what anxiety is. At the root, anxiety is a physical experience that begins in our nervous system when it perceives a real or imagined threat. According to Polyvagal Theory (give it a Google if you’re curious), this begins at an unconscious level with something called neuroception. Neuroception is like a smoke alarm, which is necessary and important, and also a giant pain in the ass. 

When our smoke alarm is super sensitive

Have you ever lived in a place with a super sensitive smoke alarm? The ones that go off when you’re just cooking chicken? There’s no real danger, nothing is actually wrong, but the thing lets you know that THERE MAY BE PERHAPS KIND OF ALMOST A PROBLEM HERE, WITH ITS LOUD OBNOXIOUS BEEPING JUST IN CASE!?!

Some of our nervous systems work like really sensitive smoke alarms, particularly for folks with trauma history where things really haven’t been physically or emotionally safe in the past. If this sounds familiar, you’re not broken, and there’s nothing wrong with you. 

The sensitive smoke alarm likely served you well in the past to protect you from harm, but maybe not so much now. While we might not (and wouldn’t want to) completely rid ourselves of our alarm system, we can help it heal by teaching it that things are okay. 

Calibrating your smoke alarm

We teach the smoke alarm that there’s no real cause for alarm by slowly exposing ourselves to the discomfort or source of the anxiety. It’s like saying to ourselves, Danger was then. Not now. No, it wasn’t okay then, but it’s okay now. This allows us to slowly take back the wheel of our life. Many of us have reinforced our smoke alarm by avoiding anything that could set it off, which might help us avoid anxiety, but we also end up avoiding our own lives. If we avoid anything scary, it also means our smoke alarm will malfunction when things do come up because it’s so out of practice. To the smoke alarm, everything seems scary, unless we take the time to calibrate it.

How to take control of anxiety

Name those uncomfortable feelings

The first step in facing anxiety is to reframe the experience of anxiety as a really uncomfortable feeling. Humans are built to tolerate some discomfort - you’ve done it throughout your life when you pushed through that English paper, dragged through that last set of reps on the weight set, or been vulnerable with a significant other. You can do hard things. Try to figure out what it is that’s causing the anxiety and acknowledge it consciously. 

Break down the source of the anxiety - starting with the easy stuff first

Once you’ve identified the situations that you typically avoid because they bring up anxiety, you can break them down into steps that progressively get harder. Start with the easiest aspect of the discomfort, and do that until anxiety is at a manageable level. Then take it to the next step up and repeat. 

This part usually needs an example. Take social anxiety. Let’s say you just moved to Washington for a new job. You don’t know a soul and we all know how hard it is to make new friends as adults. Let’s say your company party is coming up and the thought of interacting with everyone at once sends you into a panic.

Start with baby steps.

If big groups make your heart race, start small - get to know one or two coworkers at a time first. This could look like joining the ones that seem approachable in the lunchroom at first. Then, as you get more comfortable, ask a coworker who seems like pal material to coffee (and hey, if they say no, no sweat - offer to pick some up for them when you go and bring it back and win hearts). Repeat. Over time these small steps build those office bonds. Having just one or two people in your corner makes being in large groups a little easier to face.

Take a deep breath

I know this is easier said than done. So as you’re trying new things that cause anxiety, remember to breathe through it. Deep breathing is a great tool to use to cope with the anxiety that comes up. If you notice signs of anxiety creeping up, remind yourself that your nervous system is just trying to protect you with that smoke alarm and focus on your breath. 

Open up

If you’re worried about being judged for your anxiety - that’s understandable. But you’d be surprised at how many people understand and relate to fears that you have. Next time you’re with someone you trust, bring up your fear of flying or your worries about going on that first date and see where the conversation goes.

Experiencing anxious moments is very much a part of being human.

Uncomfortable but rewarding

This process can feel yucky, but ultimately, getting on that airplane or going to that get together to make memories with your loved ones is worth it. The goal is not to feel no, null or zero anxiety. Rather, it is calibrating your smoke alarm to go off when there really is a cause for alarm, and to otherwise feel some manageable level of anxiety while still doing what you love.

This is you taking your life back.

I’m here for you

Often times, people need a little help figuring out what those baby steps look like. If that’s you, I sometimes have room on my schedule.

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Abby Erickson is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps people with anxiety and social anxiety learn ways to better manage their angst. She also helps people struggling with low self-esteem and body image issues be comfortable in their own skin. Coming out of the pandemic, she has enjoyed new restaurants, new experiences in Seattle and catching up with old friends. Her puppy training has kept her pretty busy.

What to Expect when you See People Again

Photo by Kelsey Chance on Unsplash

Whether you’ve hunkered down and avoided gatherings all year, or you’ve seen some people in person, we’ve all been affected by the pandemic. While I hope you didn’t lose a loved one, you probably lost your routine and sense of normalcy. Businesses closed, restrictions were imposed, workplaces shifted their policies. We can’t deny it had an impact on our lives and livelihoods. Our collective psyche has been especially affected by social distancing restrictions, and it’s possible that many of us have forgotten how to “people.”

If you’ve  been anxious about having to socialize again, you're not alone. The term that’s going around is “FOGO,” or fear of going out. Being this out of practice at socializing can make even the biggest extrovert feel a bit self-conscious. If you were already prone to social anxiety pre-pandemic, those fears will likely be heightened as you see people again.

Who would have thought two years ago that something as simple as...being out in public could become so anxiety inducing, even for people without agoraphobia? 

If you’re bracing yourself to face the world again...here’s what you should know:

You’re going to act weird (and that’s ok)

All of my friends and family are now doubly vaccinated, so I feel more comfortable gathering indoors, sans mask, for the first time in more than a year. A small group of gals decided we’re all ready to get together at Laura’s house for brunch/clothing exchange, something we used to do regularly BC (Before Covid). 

As I pulled up to Laura’s house, excitement flooded over me. It’s really happening! I felt like a teenager who was finally allowed to go out with friends past 8 pm!

It was great to see everyone! But there were moments when I didn’t know what to do with my hands when I talked, when I excitedly over-shared every detail of my life, and yet simultaneously had no idea what to say. I was over-eager and probably overwhelming everyone around me. And yes, this is part of my personality normally too, but the awkwardness just got exaggerated tenfold!

The good news is that it seemed like I wasn’t alone. The other girls also had moments when they seemed a bit off - like gawky teen versions of themselves. It was endearing and sweet, and I felt less alone. It will take some getting used to, but you’ll catch up to your level of comfort with people again. 

You’ll appreciate your friends on a whole new level

All your gatherings for the next few months will probably feel like joyous reunions. When we gathered at Laura’s, I just wanted to hug everyone! I’m normally not that social of a person. But hanging out with friends indoors after 1.5 years of isolation, it was like I just got out of the brig! I told every one of them what I appreciated about them. I told them how great they are, how nice it was to see them. It’s not often I let myself be vulnerable enough to show sincere, earnest love and affection, so this was a new side of myself. And I’m not mad about it!

If appreciating your friends more and showing it is a result of this pandemic, then one small thing came of it that isn’t bad news. Acknowledging your people makes them feel good - so go ahead and share how you feel. What’s there to lose at this point when we’ve already lost so much? Let this be one of the small gains from this falafel of a year! 

You might even appreciate people you don’t like

My uncle came through town on his annual drive West a few weeks ago. Uncle Gary is a classic cowboy bachelor. He and I disagree on pretty much everything under the sun. But at the same time, he’s the friendliest man you’ll ever meet. It’s very strange to hold these two truths at once.

Gary just so happened to have a friend who had a life threatening case of COVID, so Gary surprisingly opted to get vaccinated. We all gathered at my parents’ house for supper. Normally I’d have some reservations about seeing him - constantly anticipating the next racist thing he says - how will I handle it? Will my family’s heads explode at the wild conspiracy theories he spouts?

But as it turned out, it was so nice to see him and catch up with a relative from my childhood, that I enjoyed spending time with him. That’s how deprived I’ve been of socializing! We all shared a meal and caught up (soo much to catch up on). Enjoying the company didn’t excuse the racist comments, and I tried to listen without judgement and then calmly voice my disagreement. You could almost call it a discussion. It was an exercise in speaking out, holding boundaries, but also appreciating the presence of this fellow human and family member. Isn’t this type of social engagement the goal between people who differ?

I attribute my willingness to enjoy this quality time to the pandemic. After so long being forced to be apart, it  was comforting, sweet and generally a positive experience to sit around playing cards with family like old times. Nothing like a pandemic to make you embrace the other side.

You may be surprised at how you feel around the company of others who differ from you these days. We are so divided lately; sharing a meal, truly “breaking bread,” and opening up a conversation can do wonders to bring people together. 

Get ready for a flood of conflicting emotions

While you will be relieved to see everyone in such a carefree way, worry will still seep in occasionally. The worry has been ingrained in us for more than a year. News outlets, government entities, scientists, researchers, and social media have all instilled fear of getting close to others. There’s no way this wouldn’t impact our psyche around other humans. It’s ok if you’re still concerned. There’s so much we don’t know yet.

We are social creatures, so it goes against our nature for humans to be apart. But we live in a culture that values individuality and independence, and we were already isolated enough BC. This pandemic was a nightmare for mental health - but we are slowly seeing the other end.

Coming together again will bring up a mix of relief, anxiety, exhilaration, concern, comfort, joy and maybe anger as you remember how hard people can be to deal with. All of these feelings will be normal in the coming months. Coming back to a sense of normalcy will take a while. But we’re all feeling the weird feelings together.

Talk to someone about how weird it feels

Ready or not, we’ll need to come out of our houses someday and engage with the world, like bears out of hibernation. Most of the people in your life will understand and relate if you express how weird it feels - we all have that in common now. But if the thought of going “back” feels intimidating or nerve wracking, talk to one of our therapists. They’re trained in just this thing. And if you’re not quite comfortable with seeing them in person, our practice  is still sticking to telehealth counseling for the time being.

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Karen Lenz is the Office Whiz and Insurance Guru at People Bloom Counseling. She writes blog posts as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. While she enjoys seeing people, she secretly kind of likes the lockdown because it gives her more time for cooking, yoga, gardening, and the perpetual summer project that is fixing up the camper.

When Families Differ and What Couples Can Do About it

Photo by Naassom Azevedo on Unsplash

In my work with couples, I have yet to meet a couple who is exactly on the same page. As much as partners often talk about wanting to be on the same page, part of the work is first getting on the same book about the value of seeing things from the others’ perspective.

Is this the only way? 

Certainly, your way of managing this or that situation could be familiar and could have some merit to it, but does it work for all scenarios? If anything, this year has taught me that a strength in one situation could be a detriment in another. And, having been married for a decade, which is no small thing and also not quite long enough, I’ve learned that there’s more than one way to do things. 

Let me give you an example. 

It’s not what you think

When my now husband and I were dating, we flew to Hawaii to visit his extended family. In his late 90’s, his grandpa was frail but could still recognize faces and congratulated us on our recent engagement. He mentioned very briefly that he’d love a map of Japan to put on his wall, and my future MIL took it to heart. On a couple of occasions, (I call her mom now) mom asked my husband to remember to order grandpa a map of Japan and ship it to him. While we were still in Hawaii, I was looking up that very thing and wanting my husband to finalize it since he knows his grandpa better than I do. 

Before we knew it, we were back in Seattle and had forgotten about it. Then grandpa died. 

We’re never going to live this one down

I was sad, but the first thought I had was how we never mailed grandpa that map of Japan! Oh shit! We’re never going to live this one down! You see, in my family growing up, when my parents mention something one time, there's an expectation that it’s going to be done and done quickly. In fact, if I can learn to mind-read and anticipate what they might need before they even ask, that’s even better! So, when grandpa has clearly indicated an interest and mom mentioned it a couple of times, this was a big deal. So I thought. 

I brought it up to my partner and asked why he didn’t take it seriously. He then explained to me that his family is different. His family is not like my family. Mom mentioned it in the spur of the moment and likely had forgotten she ever said it. And lo and behold, at the funeral and thereafter, not another word about a map of Japan, as if it never happened. 

How interesting. A bit refreshing, I thought. Don’t have to anticipate needs. If it’s really important, then it’ll be conveyed as such and we’d know to take it seriously. Otherwise, it would’ve been nice but otherwise not necessary. 

I can relax a bit. 

Not in my family

Just last month, my Papa’s family friend in the Bay area moved into a nursing facility. Now 90, he’s still getting around but has a lot of aches and pains. Papa has been advocating for this massage gun that he has gotten off Amazon and has been telling everyone about how it does wonders! Eager to care for this “uncle,” Papa in Canada promptly WhatsApped me the screenshots of this massage gun, along with his friend’s new address, so I can order and ship it from Amazon US. 

You see, this is not a it-would-be-nice-if-I-can kind of situation. It is a I-better-get-this-item-to-this-uncle-before-he-croaks-or-else kind of scenario. It doesn’t matter if this “uncle” ends up using it or whether it’ll be helpful to him. Papa wants it done, it needs to be done. After adding a nice gift message, I had it shipped the following day and Papa confirmed that it was received. 

Effort made. Loop closed. I haven’t been disowned. Okay, so being disowned is probably too strong of a word, but you get what I mean. Maybe. 

A nice combination 

The thing is, there’s not right or wrong, good or bad. Families are different and there are pros and cons to each. Over time, my husband has taught me to not care as much because it is tiring to feel like I’m responsible for making things happen. On the other hand, I’ve modeled for my husband to be thoughtful and prompt in situations where it matters. There’s a time and a place to read between the lines but hopefully it’s not all the time. That’s a nice combination. 

Differences in your family 

Rather than having you twist into a pretzel to meet the needs of two or more sets of families in the way that you know how, what would it be like to follow your partner’s lead and do it their way? What possibilities will that bring? What can you unlearn and relearn about differing values and expectations in that process? 

Many of the couples we work with come in with these differences, and more. Let us know if we can help you get on the same book. 

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. She and her husband complement each other. They joke that between the two of them, they worry about everything.