How to Face your Fears. It’s Not what you Think.

Society’s image of brave 

Popular blogs write about “overcoming or conquering your fears” as if you’ll be confidently standing on the opposite side of fear. Movies stream what used to be struggling characters rising to the occasion in triumph and casting their fears aside. But, what if in your everyday life, as you face the stress of leaving the house, of meeting up with a date, of asking for that promotion, you don’t feel or look that courageous? Does that mean you’re doing it wrong? 

As you take steps outside of your comfort zone, what if you’re sweating in your pits, trembling in your legs and ready to make a run for the bathroom, does that make you a coward? Or is that you being brave, even though you don’t look so put together?

I’ll come back to this in a moment.

Here’s my spider story 

I don’t like spiders. Never have. They look freaky with all those legs. I scream every time I see one. I sometimes ask my husband to pick them up and put them in his garbage can. Other times, I just need to face them alone. I love LOTR but I dread the spider scene. Peter Jackson, I guess that’s one way to face your fear of spiders.

Anyhow, after all these years of needing to face spiders, I still haven’t overcome my fear of them, per society’s definition. I still scream bloody murder at the first sight of them, my heart races and if my husband is near, he’s it! But, if I need to face the creepy creature alone, I wet a square of paper towel (sorry trees!), fold it in half and I go into battle! Not as a triumphant warrior signaling a confident posture, mighty paper towel in hand. Rather, as a whimpering child, screaming the whole time as I charge towards the eight-legged speck. 

Am I less afraid over time? No. Do I kill spiders, even though it causes a scene? Yes. Have I broken anything during these battles or allowed spiders to get in the way of my everyday life? No. Will I now voluntarily hold a tarantula at The Reptile Zoo? Hm, heck no!

The face of courage

What if courage isn’t so brave looking, but is full of screams, whether audible or something we keep to ourselves? What if sweating profusely while doing the hard thing is the face of courage? What if the problem is not in the discomfort of feeling afraid but in the fear that’s keeping us from doing what we want in life? 

What if we don’t have to feel so confident as we face situations that are daunting, but rather, we  forge ahead, even when we want to pee our pants? Confidence may be a side benefit of acting courageously, but it’s not a prerequisite to being brave. What’s more important is that you go after that spider or go on that date or ask for that promotion. Yes, you possibly risk the spider escaping (it has happened before!) or face rejection, but, what’s worse: attempting and not getting the outcome you want or never having attempted at all? 

We’re here to help

If you need help acting brave even though you don’t feel or look so brave, we’re here for you. We’re a group of therapists who don’t always feel or look brave but still get up every morning to do what matters to us, which includes meeting with brave souls like you. 

Just saying you need a bit of help along the way is an act of courage.

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. If she ever needs to hold a tarantula, she’ll probably be in tears, drop the poor thing and make a run for the door. She has a lot of appreciation for bug petting zookeepers. 

A Therapist’s Story: Why it can be Harder for People from Marginalized Communities to Show Emotional Vulnerability

Photo by Raychan on Unsplash

As a therapist and fellow human being, I love Brené Brown. She challenges the notion that we need to have our sh*t together, hide our vulnerability or be alone in our shame. She encourages us to take risks, surround ourselves with arena-minded people and embrace our imperfections. What’s not to love about that? 

More recently, I’ve been thinking about how this might show up for people from marginalized communities. What does being vulnerable and taking risks look like for people from underrepresented groups?

A caveat

As a 1.5-generation Chinese Canadian woman living in the US in a stable home environment, I know I have a lot of privilege, but that doesn’t always translate to feeling emotionally safe in my environment. I do not pretend to fully understand or speak to the complex sociocultural identities of different marginalized groups. We are not all the same and we have our unique experiences and identities. As a WOC, I am, however, trying to shed light on the possibility that taking risks and giving perfectionism the middle finger can be harder for people from marginalized communities. 

To more fully understand someone’s current experience, we often need the back story. 

My back story

I was born in Hong Kong, a British-ruled colony that was handed back to China in 1997. For the first eight years of my life, I was with my people. Everyone looked like me and there were no issues with representation. The sense I got was that White people were seen favorably in HK. Some spoke Cantonese and held high government jobs, though I didn’t see it for myself. Impossible western beauty standards of pale skin, large eyes and “the straight nose” prevailed, but I didn’t think much of it as a kid. My parents modeled hard work and that was that. 

As uncertainty about the handover loomed, many  people considered migration. My family immigrated to Vancouver, BC, Canada when I was eight years old. I remembered answering a question from my teacher on the second day of class, “What color was the plane you flew in from?” 

“White and green,” I answered quietly.

I was so nervous to speak out loud in front of everyone. I went from being with people like me to being one of two Asian students. The other kid was a CBC, a Canadian Born Chinese, so even then, it’s not like we were kindred spirits. Kids mocked my English fluency (or their lack of) and the soy-marinated drumsticks my mom packed for my lunch. One time, two popular White girls pulled my chair from behind me so I might land on the ground. I noticed the chair moving and instinctively put my hand between my legs to grab a hold of the seat and heard, with giggles, “Oh, look at where her hand is!”

Kids tease each other all the time and I’ve heard much worse bullying stories. But, there’s an added element of wondering if I was picked on because of my race. Sometimes, it’s an obvious yes. Other times, it’s much more subtle. 

In the first few years, my sister and I changed schools often. Where we lived, there wasn’t a qualified English as a Second Language (ESL) program to help me go beyond my second grade Hong Kong (British) English level. Finally at Kingswood Elementary, we went through ESL classes with Mr. Kibblewhite,  whom nearly every student had a crush on. Given the influx of immigrants coming into Vancouver at the time, we were kicked out of ESL, not because we were proficient, but because of limited resources. 

At various times, I made friends with Elaine, Roy, Frank, David, Xavier and Susan who were CBC, white, Flipino and Black. There weren’t a lot of people who looked like me but I also wasn’t the only one who was different. We laughed; we joked. I had a place and it was with a diverse group of beautiful people. Life was simpler then and those were good times. 

My parents, in the meantime, worked their tails off starting their own telephone and alarm installation company as a condition for Canadian immigration. They had limited connections and had to break ground on foreign land. Mom was an English major, but couldn’t always find the right words to express herself. For dad, speaking English was like doing physical labor. Try going to a foreign country and using their language to get by, not for fun, but for survival. They felt that exhaustion.

A growing majority minority

In the late 80’s and early 90’s, Vancouver’s demographics began to change. Mass migration from HK and Taiwan meant that people who looked like me flooded the city, the province, the country. I moved through middle and high school with Chinese-speaking peers. Chinese businesses, shops, restaurants, malls and grocery stores started to pop up everywhere. Because of accessibility to my own culture, I reconnected to my roots and started listening to pop Chinese music, passing notes in my native tongue and drinking lots of bubble tea. It was a different kind of belonging.

We were slowly becoming the majority minority.

Meanwhile, my parents' business picked up. Serving mostly their own people and a blooming market, there was more work than there were hands to do it. Many decades later, they recall a very kind white-identified regional manager at Panasonic who visited their warehouse often and took them to their first Canadian fine dining experience. They were very sad when he passed away from cancer at a young age.

College days

By the time I went to college at The University of British Columbia (UBC), it was easy to spot Asian people on campus, especially in economics and computer science classes. My Department of Psychology and Family Studies was predominantly White but I joined a CBC college group where it was yet another kind of belonging. My Chinese speaking and writing ability deteriorated and my English proficiency increased again. During a class in Family Life Education, I disagreed with the professor on an assignment and my parents asked me to stand down. “Don’t rock the boat. Write what they want to hear.” I rebelled and stated my point of view. I got a C+ for that assignment, the lowest grade since I declared my major. My parents thought that was a lesson for me and it was: speaking out against authority can be costly but I also don’t regret it one bit. 

Two and a half hours south

I got my green card my senior year in college through my aunt’s family petition 15+ years earlier. Post-college, I came down to Seattle to work for a local Chinese non-profit organization before getting into Seattle Pacific University (SPU) for grad school. Being one of three Asians in the cohort, I was back to hustling. We were a tight-knit group and I made a lifelong friend, but there was something about being in the US, only 2.5 hours away from home, that made me keenly aware I was different from the dominant culture. 

I didn’t have my community with me; I had to make new ones. I have to fit in to get in. I clearly remember a conversation with a White classmate about our skin colors. The word, “Yellow” came up. I held my hand next to her pale white skin and said, “When I think about yellow, I think about this,” pointing to a canary yellow on my pencil case (remember one of those?! I still have said pencil case). “Our skin colors aren’t that different.”

Looking back, I was denouncing a part of my cultural and racial identity in favor of the White dominant culture. If we’re not that different, you’ll accept me, right? If I work hard enough, I’ll make it here, right? These thoughts point to the need to assimilate, but it also conveyed uncertainty. I do not know for sure that my efforts paid off.

Alas, I found people like me: 1.5 generation Asian working professionals who came to the states for college, or, ones who were  born here but came from an immigrant family. There is an ease to our shared experience. To this day, they remain my closest friends. 

Emotional vulnerability as a woman of color

As I consider my early years of studying and working in the US, I’ve been shaped by various cultural expectations of what it means to be a WOC. Don’t rock the boat. Work hard. Try to fit in. Smile and be nice. As the only person of color in a very supportive practicum group, I was afraid to take up space, so much so that when my practicum supervisor said gently that the most valuable resource people can give me is their time, I broke down. Six months into my first job, my supervisor picked up on my tendency to be hard on myself. Here are her words, verbatim: “Ada, I don’t expect you to be perfect!”

Being emotionally vulnerable requires me to be okay with falling short, to sit with people’s grace and/or judgment and my own shame, to be honest with what I might need in the moment and to courageously ask for it. Everything about that goes against the grain of what I’ve been taught to do to “make it,” to be successful as a WOC. But Brené is inviting me to let my guard down, because to be vulnerable is to be courageous. Does she know what she’s really asking of me?

Emotional vulnerability in marginalized communities

I then consider other marginalized communities where it hasn’t always been safe to be driving while Black, to be the first Hispanic in your family to graduate from college, to come out as queer, to be neurotypical but not a child prodigy, to be undocumented, to be fat-bodied, to be living paycheck to paycheck, to keep showing up even when you feel misunderstood or at times, “othered”. When your basic hierarchy of needs are not always met and you get the message that you need to stop exerting so much control over your environment and your outcome, that can be a total heart and mind fu*k. 

I argue that when people from marginalized communities are accepted, welcomed and fully celebrated for who they are, then they have more energy to risk being emotionally vulnerable. To experience this sense of belonging without the need to act a certain way or otherwise risk being racially profiled, favorably or not; that’s emotional and physical security. If Brené is inviting all people to come forward and show their cards, then we need to be aware of the additional layers of complexity and risk this might pose for marginalized groups. They might have more to lose. 

While equity and liberation movements continue to work at removing systemic barriers to access, it is not an even playing field and we shouldn’t treat it as such. It is in the safety and security of a responsive and inclusive environment that we learn to come forth as more fully ourselves. It is in these corrective emotional experiences, new experiences that correct earlier ones, for the better, that courage in vulnerability can show up. 

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. While she has written many blogs, this one took the longest to write. She encourages you to listen to the narrative of people different from you. 

How to Take Back Control when Anxiety Hits

Photo by Alex Chernenko on Unsplash

Are you sick of anxiety being at the driver’s seat, veering you toward the safest path but keeping you from the scenic route of your life? I can help you take back the wheel and enjoy the sights again. 

We’ve all had those times where anxiety takes over. This blog is for those folks whose anxiety interferes with life and tends to run the show on the reg. Anxiety can feel like a big scary no-no, a visceral experience in our bodies that must be avoided at all costs. But avoiding the things that cause anxiety often means we’re letting fear sit in the driver’s seat, ergo missing out on all the fun. That’s shitty and sad! But I bring good news - it doesn’t have to be this way.

Say what, Abby!? I don’t have to miss out on my life anymore because I’m anxious? Tell me MORE!

Alright then I will. 

The root cause of anxiety

Let’s get back to the basics and remind ourselves just what anxiety is. At the root, anxiety is a physical experience that begins in our nervous system when it perceives a real or imagined threat. According to Polyvagal Theory (give it a Google if you’re curious), this begins at an unconscious level with something called neuroception. Neuroception is like a smoke alarm, which is necessary and important, and also a giant pain in the ass. 

When our smoke alarm is super sensitive

Have you ever lived in a place with a super sensitive smoke alarm? The ones that go off when you’re just cooking chicken? There’s no real danger, nothing is actually wrong, but the thing lets you know that THERE MAY BE PERHAPS KIND OF ALMOST A PROBLEM HERE, WITH ITS LOUD OBNOXIOUS BEEPING JUST IN CASE!?!

Some of our nervous systems work like really sensitive smoke alarms, particularly for folks with trauma history where things really haven’t been physically or emotionally safe in the past. If this sounds familiar, you’re not broken, and there’s nothing wrong with you. 

The sensitive smoke alarm likely served you well in the past to protect you from harm, but maybe not so much now. While we might not (and wouldn’t want to) completely rid ourselves of our alarm system, we can help it heal by teaching it that things are okay. 

Calibrating your smoke alarm

We teach the smoke alarm that there’s no real cause for alarm by slowly exposing ourselves to the discomfort or source of the anxiety. It’s like saying to ourselves, Danger was then. Not now. No, it wasn’t okay then, but it’s okay now. This allows us to slowly take back the wheel of our life. Many of us have reinforced our smoke alarm by avoiding anything that could set it off, which might help us avoid anxiety, but we also end up avoiding our own lives. If we avoid anything scary, it also means our smoke alarm will malfunction when things do come up because it’s so out of practice. To the smoke alarm, everything seems scary, unless we take the time to calibrate it.

How to take control of anxiety

Name those uncomfortable feelings

The first step in facing anxiety is to reframe the experience of anxiety as a really uncomfortable feeling. Humans are built to tolerate some discomfort - you’ve done it throughout your life when you pushed through that English paper, dragged through that last set of reps on the weight set, or been vulnerable with a significant other. You can do hard things. Try to figure out what it is that’s causing the anxiety and acknowledge it consciously. 

Break down the source of the anxiety - starting with the easy stuff first

Once you’ve identified the situations that you typically avoid because they bring up anxiety, you can break them down into steps that progressively get harder. Start with the easiest aspect of the discomfort, and do that until anxiety is at a manageable level. Then take it to the next step up and repeat. 

This part usually needs an example. Take social anxiety. Let’s say you just moved to Washington for a new job. You don’t know a soul and we all know how hard it is to make new friends as adults. Let’s say your company party is coming up and the thought of interacting with everyone at once sends you into a panic.

Start with baby steps.

If big groups make your heart race, start small - get to know one or two coworkers at a time first. This could look like joining the ones that seem approachable in the lunchroom at first. Then, as you get more comfortable, ask a coworker who seems like pal material to coffee (and hey, if they say no, no sweat - offer to pick some up for them when you go and bring it back and win hearts). Repeat. Over time these small steps build those office bonds. Having just one or two people in your corner makes being in large groups a little easier to face.

Take a deep breath

I know this is easier said than done. So as you’re trying new things that cause anxiety, remember to breathe through it. Deep breathing is a great tool to use to cope with the anxiety that comes up. If you notice signs of anxiety creeping up, remind yourself that your nervous system is just trying to protect you with that smoke alarm and focus on your breath. 

Open up

If you’re worried about being judged for your anxiety - that’s understandable. But you’d be surprised at how many people understand and relate to fears that you have. Next time you’re with someone you trust, bring up your fear of flying or your worries about going on that first date and see where the conversation goes.

Experiencing anxious moments is very much a part of being human.

Uncomfortable but rewarding

This process can feel yucky, but ultimately, getting on that airplane or going to that get together to make memories with your loved ones is worth it. The goal is not to feel no, null or zero anxiety. Rather, it is calibrating your smoke alarm to go off when there really is a cause for alarm, and to otherwise feel some manageable level of anxiety while still doing what you love.

This is you taking your life back.

I’m here for you

Often times, people need a little help figuring out what those baby steps look like. If that’s you, I sometimes have room on my schedule.

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Abby Erickson is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps people with anxiety and social anxiety learn ways to better manage their angst. She also helps people struggling with low self-esteem and body image issues be comfortable in their own skin. Coming out of the pandemic, she has enjoyed new restaurants, new experiences in Seattle and catching up with old friends. Her puppy training has kept her pretty busy.

What to Expect when you See People Again

Photo by Kelsey Chance on Unsplash

Whether you’ve hunkered down and avoided gatherings all year, or you’ve seen some people in person, we’ve all been affected by the pandemic. While I hope you didn’t lose a loved one, you probably lost your routine and sense of normalcy. Businesses closed, restrictions were imposed, workplaces shifted their policies. We can’t deny it had an impact on our lives and livelihoods. Our collective psyche has been especially affected by social distancing restrictions, and it’s possible that many of us have forgotten how to “people.”

If you’ve  been anxious about having to socialize again, you're not alone. The term that’s going around is “FOGO,” or fear of going out. Being this out of practice at socializing can make even the biggest extrovert feel a bit self-conscious. If you were already prone to social anxiety pre-pandemic, those fears will likely be heightened as you see people again.

Who would have thought two years ago that something as simple as...being out in public could become so anxiety inducing, even for people without agoraphobia? 

If you’re bracing yourself to face the world again...here’s what you should know:

You’re going to act weird (and that’s ok)

All of my friends and family are now doubly vaccinated, so I feel more comfortable gathering indoors, sans mask, for the first time in more than a year. A small group of gals decided we’re all ready to get together at Laura’s house for brunch/clothing exchange, something we used to do regularly BC (Before Covid). 

As I pulled up to Laura’s house, excitement flooded over me. It’s really happening! I felt like a teenager who was finally allowed to go out with friends past 8 pm!

It was great to see everyone! But there were moments when I didn’t know what to do with my hands when I talked, when I excitedly over-shared every detail of my life, and yet simultaneously had no idea what to say. I was over-eager and probably overwhelming everyone around me. And yes, this is part of my personality normally too, but the awkwardness just got exaggerated tenfold!

The good news is that it seemed like I wasn’t alone. The other girls also had moments when they seemed a bit off - like gawky teen versions of themselves. It was endearing and sweet, and I felt less alone. It will take some getting used to, but you’ll catch up to your level of comfort with people again. 

You’ll appreciate your friends on a whole new level

All your gatherings for the next few months will probably feel like joyous reunions. When we gathered at Laura’s, I just wanted to hug everyone! I’m normally not that social of a person. But hanging out with friends indoors after 1.5 years of isolation, it was like I just got out of the brig! I told every one of them what I appreciated about them. I told them how great they are, how nice it was to see them. It’s not often I let myself be vulnerable enough to show sincere, earnest love and affection, so this was a new side of myself. And I’m not mad about it!

If appreciating your friends more and showing it is a result of this pandemic, then one small thing came of it that isn’t bad news. Acknowledging your people makes them feel good - so go ahead and share how you feel. What’s there to lose at this point when we’ve already lost so much? Let this be one of the small gains from this falafel of a year! 

You might even appreciate people you don’t like

My uncle came through town on his annual drive West a few weeks ago. Uncle Gary is a classic cowboy bachelor. He and I disagree on pretty much everything under the sun. But at the same time, he’s the friendliest man you’ll ever meet. It’s very strange to hold these two truths at once.

Gary just so happened to have a friend who had a life threatening case of COVID, so Gary surprisingly opted to get vaccinated. We all gathered at my parents’ house for supper. Normally I’d have some reservations about seeing him - constantly anticipating the next racist thing he says - how will I handle it? Will my family’s heads explode at the wild conspiracy theories he spouts?

But as it turned out, it was so nice to see him and catch up with a relative from my childhood, that I enjoyed spending time with him. That’s how deprived I’ve been of socializing! We all shared a meal and caught up (soo much to catch up on). Enjoying the company didn’t excuse the racist comments, and I tried to listen without judgement and then calmly voice my disagreement. You could almost call it a discussion. It was an exercise in speaking out, holding boundaries, but also appreciating the presence of this fellow human and family member. Isn’t this type of social engagement the goal between people who differ?

I attribute my willingness to enjoy this quality time to the pandemic. After so long being forced to be apart, it  was comforting, sweet and generally a positive experience to sit around playing cards with family like old times. Nothing like a pandemic to make you embrace the other side.

You may be surprised at how you feel around the company of others who differ from you these days. We are so divided lately; sharing a meal, truly “breaking bread,” and opening up a conversation can do wonders to bring people together. 

Get ready for a flood of conflicting emotions

While you will be relieved to see everyone in such a carefree way, worry will still seep in occasionally. The worry has been ingrained in us for more than a year. News outlets, government entities, scientists, researchers, and social media have all instilled fear of getting close to others. There’s no way this wouldn’t impact our psyche around other humans. It’s ok if you’re still concerned. There’s so much we don’t know yet.

We are social creatures, so it goes against our nature for humans to be apart. But we live in a culture that values individuality and independence, and we were already isolated enough BC. This pandemic was a nightmare for mental health - but we are slowly seeing the other end.

Coming together again will bring up a mix of relief, anxiety, exhilaration, concern, comfort, joy and maybe anger as you remember how hard people can be to deal with. All of these feelings will be normal in the coming months. Coming back to a sense of normalcy will take a while. But we’re all feeling the weird feelings together.

Talk to someone about how weird it feels

Ready or not, we’ll need to come out of our houses someday and engage with the world, like bears out of hibernation. Most of the people in your life will understand and relate if you express how weird it feels - we all have that in common now. But if the thought of going “back” feels intimidating or nerve wracking, talk to one of our therapists. They’re trained in just this thing. And if you’re not quite comfortable with seeing them in person, our practice  is still sticking to telehealth counseling for the time being.

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Karen Lenz is the Office Whiz and Insurance Guru at People Bloom Counseling. She writes blog posts as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. While she enjoys seeing people, she secretly kind of likes the lockdown because it gives her more time for cooking, yoga, gardening, and the perpetual summer project that is fixing up the camper.

When Families Differ and What Couples Can Do About it

Photo by Naassom Azevedo on Unsplash

In my work with couples, I have yet to meet a couple who is exactly on the same page. As much as partners often talk about wanting to be on the same page, part of the work is first getting on the same book about the value of seeing things from the others’ perspective.

Is this the only way? 

Certainly, your way of managing this or that situation could be familiar and could have some merit to it, but does it work for all scenarios? If anything, this year has taught me that a strength in one situation could be a detriment in another. And, having been married for a decade, which is no small thing and also not quite long enough, I’ve learned that there’s more than one way to do things. 

Let me give you an example. 

It’s not what you think

When my now husband and I were dating, we flew to Hawaii to visit his extended family. In his late 90’s, his grandpa was frail but could still recognize faces and congratulated us on our recent engagement. He mentioned very briefly that he’d love a map of Japan to put on his wall, and my future MIL took it to heart. On a couple of occasions, (I call her mom now) mom asked my husband to remember to order grandpa a map of Japan and ship it to him. While we were still in Hawaii, I was looking up that very thing and wanting my husband to finalize it since he knows his grandpa better than I do. 

Before we knew it, we were back in Seattle and had forgotten about it. Then grandpa died. 

We’re never going to live this one down

I was sad, but the first thought I had was how we never mailed grandpa that map of Japan! Oh shit! We’re never going to live this one down! You see, in my family growing up, when my parents mention something one time, there's an expectation that it’s going to be done and done quickly. In fact, if I can learn to mind-read and anticipate what they might need before they even ask, that’s even better! So, when grandpa has clearly indicated an interest and mom mentioned it a couple of times, this was a big deal. So I thought. 

I brought it up to my partner and asked why he didn’t take it seriously. He then explained to me that his family is different. His family is not like my family. Mom mentioned it in the spur of the moment and likely had forgotten she ever said it. And lo and behold, at the funeral and thereafter, not another word about a map of Japan, as if it never happened. 

How interesting. A bit refreshing, I thought. Don’t have to anticipate needs. If it’s really important, then it’ll be conveyed as such and we’d know to take it seriously. Otherwise, it would’ve been nice but otherwise not necessary. 

I can relax a bit. 

Not in my family

Just last month, my Papa’s family friend in the Bay area moved into a nursing facility. Now 90, he’s still getting around but has a lot of aches and pains. Papa has been advocating for this massage gun that he has gotten off Amazon and has been telling everyone about how it does wonders! Eager to care for this “uncle,” Papa in Canada promptly WhatsApped me the screenshots of this massage gun, along with his friend’s new address, so I can order and ship it from Amazon US. 

You see, this is not a it-would-be-nice-if-I-can kind of situation. It is a I-better-get-this-item-to-this-uncle-before-he-croaks-or-else kind of scenario. It doesn’t matter if this “uncle” ends up using it or whether it’ll be helpful to him. Papa wants it done, it needs to be done. After adding a nice gift message, I had it shipped the following day and Papa confirmed that it was received. 

Effort made. Loop closed. I haven’t been disowned. Okay, so being disowned is probably too strong of a word, but you get what I mean. Maybe. 

A nice combination 

The thing is, there’s not right or wrong, good or bad. Families are different and there are pros and cons to each. Over time, my husband has taught me to not care as much because it is tiring to feel like I’m responsible for making things happen. On the other hand, I’ve modeled for my husband to be thoughtful and prompt in situations where it matters. There’s a time and a place to read between the lines but hopefully it’s not all the time. That’s a nice combination. 

Differences in your family 

Rather than having you twist into a pretzel to meet the needs of two or more sets of families in the way that you know how, what would it be like to follow your partner’s lead and do it their way? What possibilities will that bring? What can you unlearn and relearn about differing values and expectations in that process? 

Many of the couples we work with come in with these differences, and more. Let us know if we can help you get on the same book. 

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. She and her husband complement each other. They joke that between the two of them, they worry about everything. 

Why People Seek Counseling in Two Simple Words

Photo by Sylas Boesten on Unsplash

The struggle is real

It goes without saying that the need for mental health counseling has increased exponentially given the pandemic. Racial trauma, political stress and gun violence have also added to the hurt, grief, trauma, anger and fear. These stressors exacerbated the problems that were already there. As I reflect on the reasons why people are seeking counseling now more than ever before, it comes down to two words: 

Being Human.

Our needs are real

If Abraham Maslow were still alive, he would’ve seen how the many stressors in recent history challenged multiple needs in his hierarchy, also known as the Maslow Hierarchy of Needs. As humans, we have basic needs for access to clean air, water, food, clothing, warmth and shelter. We want to feel safety and security in our employment, have access to resources, assets and good health. We desire closeness, connection and intimacy in relationships. We long to be seen, recognized, respected and treated with equity. We want to live to our full potential and leave behind a legacy.

The threats are real

Unemployment threatens access to basic needs and our sense of security. Eviction threatens shelter in a time when we need to quarantine. Too much time together with family threatens the need for personal space. Living by ourselves threatens our need for connection. Sickness, violence and death threaten health, relationships and legacy. Inequity and injustice bring up the historical and ongoing trauma that threaten the sense of belongingness, worthiness and need for access among marginalized groups.

Being human

If you’re struggling with one or more of these areas of your life, you’re being human. If you need help, that makes sense and we’re here for you. If finances or insurance is a concern, we have sliding scale spots through OpenPath Collective. If you need to slide lower than what we can offer through OpenPath, come in through this program and talk to your therapist. We’ll see what we can work out. 

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. She sometimes takes a break from everything that’s going on and turns to baking. She has made the same Earl Grey Yogurt Cake many times, varying the oil and sugar levels, using almond milk vs yogurt and substituting flax eggs for real eggs. By now, she enjoys seeing how her experiment turns out more than the eating of it. 

5 Ways to Spread Love During a Pandemic

Photo by Brigitte Tohm on Unsplash

I love my friends and family. But I sometimes neglect to show it. It’s not enough to feel it. People need to receive help and support from others - now more than ever. Isolation and loneliness is common in modern life, but during a pandemic it’s rampant. Just checking in on someone and reminding them that you care can lift their spirit out of a depression spiral.

I have to admit I haven’t been in a very giving mood lately. I’ve been so caught up in my own worries and the state of the world, thinking of others’ needs has felt draining. But the season of love has reminded me of all the rituals we used to do to show love for each other, and it’s important to continue to extend love and care. Valentine's day isn’t just for couples! Single folks and coupled ones alike can find fun ways to share the love.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve felt that giving presents can be more fun than receiving. Receiving a gift can feel awkward - I sometimes feel like I’m being put on the spot. But coming up with personalized gifts for loved ones can make you feel warm all over.

Here are 5 easy ways to show you care - even when it doesn’t come naturally

1. Do something to help a neighbor: shovel their walkway, offer to go on a grocery run. If you’re not sure what will help, ask what they need to feel supported. 

2. Send a postcard to a loved one letting them know you’re thinking of them - from whatever city you’re at. You’re stuck wherever you are - but most everyone else is too! When no one is traveling anyway, tell your friends something about your home base they don’t know and share what you’re doing to pass the time at home.

3. Get crafty. Make something for your friends or partner even if it feels silly. If you’re not feeling very artsy or inspired, use a kit like a terrarium making kit, a photo album app, or those Paint by Numbers posters. If you spent time on it, it doesn’t have to come from within for you to put love into it and give you a sense of accomplishment. The act of art is also therapeutic - so do it even if for yourself. 

4. Bake some treats for your pals and drop off care packages around town. 

5. Surprise a friend with delivery - many local companies have converted to delivery rather than in-person in the pandemic. If you can afford to splurge on this, support them and keep them in business. 

I get it - with many of us feeling serious compassion fatigue, doing things for others can feel impossible. If that’s the case, ask yourself what you need and see if you can give it to yourself. Do any or all of these things for yourself. Bake yourself your favorite treat, buy yourself small things that bring you joy, write yourself a note about how you’re doing. These small gestures might just revive you enough to help you reach out to others as well, down the road.

I hope you had a good Valentine’s day this year, even if it didn’t look like it usually does. 

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Karen Lenz is the Office Whiz and Insurance Guru at People Bloom Counseling. She writes blog posts as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. She doesn’t celebrate Valentines Day officially, but she tries to at least make it a nice, conflict-free, easy day. This year she checked in on her loved ones, baked some treats, and played silly online word games with her family.

How some Couples are Struggling During the Pandemic and What you can Do about it

Photo by Naveen Kumar on Unsplash

We’re still here, together 

Now 11 months into the pandemic, couples who have been stuck at home the whole time with or without kids are getting to know their partners really well. Maybe a little too well. If there were no major secrets kept and both parties were doing relatively well pre-COVID, being stuck at home with increased chores, limited social activities and restricted coping mechanisms has likely created relationship stress that wouldn’t be there otherwise. 

You couldn’t have known how your partner would respond when they develop cabin fever, when they don’t have the usual sports or social events to break up the weeks and months. Instead of the occasional work trip to make your hearts go yonder, it might be a case of, “You again?!” when you see each other in the kitchen. You might be running out of things to say to each other because not a whole lot is happening. 

If this is a challenging time for you, you’re not alone. When you said, “til death do us apart,” you didn’t sign up for, “a pandemic to keep us together. All. The. Time.” When you get so little time apart, it can create a whole new set of problems. 

The following are three common issues that come up amongst couples stuck at home, along with possible solutions. 

Disproportionate distribution of chores

Problem - 

It is no surprise that more women are forced out of the workplace due to COVID. And even if both partners are working from home, the lion’s share of chores often on women to do or manage. There are absolutely exceptions to this phenomenon and I know of very involved husbands and dads, but regardless of who ends up staying home, the  pandemic can quadruple the work for one partner! 

You can no longer rely on meals at the cafeteria, instruction at school, the cleaning service or respite care with in-laws caring for the children. Meal planning, cooking, cleaning up, tidying up frequented spaces, supporting online school, finding ways to entertain the kids, helping the children cope with the ups and downs of pandemic life… the list goes on. 

Solution - 

Reevaluate how chores were allocated. It’s possible that the way things were before no longer work - or really have never worked. It can take a pandemic to overhaul the system and start from scratch.

With everyone home, let’s map out the logistics: who has more flexibility in their schedule to get a child started on Zoom? Who can stay with them for special instructions? How often will dishes be loaded and unloaded now that there are twice as many meals to serve? How often will Amazon boxes be broken down before they become a fire hazard? Who leads the toilet scrubbing department? Figure out who can do what. If it helps to make a chore chart/wheel/spreadsheet, go for it, whatever it takes to create a plan to get everyone involved.

All chores are back on the table and up for delegation. As with any new systems, it’d be important to come back to the drawing board and see how things are going after 1-2 weeks. Nothing is written in stone and the need to switch things up only means you’re adaptable to the changing times.

Difficulty communicating needs

Problem - 

Pre-pandemic, if you had an office to go to, you had a commute to help you decompress from work. After work, you could go to your meditation class, grab a craft beer with your friends or look forward to your weekly b-ball practice. Such that if something bothered you earlier in the day, the passing of time and the ability to shift focus to another activity meant you were already in a different head space by the time you came home to your partner. 

Before the pandemic, when you got home you may have talked with your partner about what bothered you, but the intensity of that incident had already worn off. You could rely on your own toolbox to cope and didn’t need to ask for what you might need from your partner, from the relationship.

With COVID, you need to use more of your words because there’s a limit to what you can do to cope. Your commute is 20 steps away and you may even bump into your partner in the hall with the issue still burning in your mind. 

Solution - 

Over-communicate what might be going on. Workplaces are needing to over-communicate to their employees given remote work and ever changing policies. Why would a couple trying to figure out life together during a global pandemic be any different? If something bothers you and you can use some help, even just a little, err on the side of speaking to it, rather than letting things fester. “I need some space from Johnny. Can you watch him for 45 minutes while I read a book in the bedroom?” Or, “I’m tired of figuring out what to cook and I need help deciding. Do you want curry tofu or lasagna?”

If you have not been good about asking for what you might need, now is the time to flex that muscle. You can lean into your relationship to cope with these challenging times, especially when your individual coping toolbox is limited.

That brings me to my last point.

Fewer coping strategies 

Problem - 

You were likely resourceful before the quarantine in knowing what you need to do and when to do it to help you cope with life. You had regular activities to look forward to, as a couple or by yourself. You could gather in groups. You had music festivals, concerts, events, celebrations, travels to mark the passing of time. With COVID, you signed up for an online yoga subscription. Your workout moved to YouTube. You’re Zooming your book club. You’re watching a concert on Netflix rather than being at one. 

Things are just not the same. A coping skill that sounds good one day feels like crap the next. Now your partner sees how crabby you can be when you don’t have those outlets, and vice versa. 

Solution - 

Develop new coping skills. Choose activities that feel novel to you. Look into old hobbies. Do something that helps you feel empowered, rather than despair. Start and finish a project with your partner, even if the “project” is as simple as loading up the dishwasher. Develop new rituals together. Have time alone and apart. Especially in situations where one partner copes by spending time together and the other copes by having time alone, see how you can be together in your apartness. One couple I know will have their feet touch while sitting on opposite sides of the couch, one watching TV with their headphones and the other with their book. 

The things that couples come up with never cease to amaze me. 

Riding through this, together 

Until more is known about COVID transmission while vaccinated, most of this year will still involve staying put, social distancing and mask wearing. You’ll likely still be working from home, limiting travels and group activities. Your partner is pretty much it. It’s possible to have an even better relationship through COVID than the one you had before.

If you need help bettering your relationship, our couples counselors are here for you. 

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. With COVID, her husband has developed this new ritual of waking up at the same time she does and getting her tumbler and hot water ready for her ginormous cup of coffee. She hopes that ritual remains well into their transition back into post-pandemic life.

How to Christmas in 2020

Photo by Jimmy Dean on Unsplash

Traditions? What traditions?!

Last month, we published a blog about how to do Thanksgiving this pandemic year, aka Zoom-Giving. Now, we’re only a few days from Christmas, the second most celebrated holiday around the world, behind New Year’s. Frankly, these end-of-the-year holidays were not that big of a deal when I was growing up. We put up a fake tree, hung some ornaments, exchanged gifts with immediate family and invited 20+ people over for Chinese food. As a young adult, my extended family and I gathered for a meal, with or without traditional American holiday dishes. In the last 10 years since getting married, my husband and I have done everything from ordering Chinese takeout n’ binge watching movies, to visiting my aunts, to trying out big baking projects, just the two of us. All that to say, we don’t stick to any strict tradition from one year to the next.  

As I reflect on how we have little to no traditions around this time of the year, I understand Christmas can be a big deal to many people. 

A reminder of Christmases past

It all starts with putting the lights up after Thanksgiving, or for some of us - even before! A tree is carefully chosen over hot chocolate. Ornaments from 3rd grade arts n’ crafts are displayed. Christmas shopping is done, last-minute or in advance, and presents wrapped and carefully arranged underneath the tree. Perhaps there’s milk and cookies for Santa, and opening of presents on Christmas Day. There’s definitely the spread of holiday food, maybe a green bean casserole made the way Uncle Steven would’ve liked, or curried carrots from Auntie Darlene’s recipes. 

Then there’s the hustling and bustling around the house, of kids running around, of adults directing a gazillion questions at college kids who are home, of someone having too much to drink, and these days it’s not Christmas without a debate over a plant-based vs. a Paleo diet.

While many of us sorely miss being together, we so easily forget the stress of the holidays when we did gather. During a pandemic year when we’ve been cooped up at home or when most of our social interactions have been through Zoom, any face-to-face, 3-D, live person contact is preferred over staring into a screen.

Almost there. Don’t give in.

Yet, we’re so close. We made it this far! We’ve done this for 10 months now and the vaccine is near. Whether you plan to get vaccinated or will wait for herd immunity, this may be the only and final Christmas holiday you’d need to celebrate in a special, non-traditional way. 

You’ve spent all this time staying safe enough while also staying sane enough. Now is not the time to let loose. While the quality and access to healthcare might differ, depending, unfortunately, on coverage and/or your skin color, COVID does not discriminate. Just because you haven’t contracted it thus far does not mean you will not in the future. Depending on how you choose to spend your Christmas, you’ll either be grieving the Christmas you never had and moving on from it. Or, if you do get COVID, the best case scenario is you’re quarantined for two-weeks at home in January where your freedom will truly be limited. You could also come up with a new way to Christmas this year and make it special in spite of it all. 

YOLO is true either way. If you only get to defy Christmas traditions this one year, what would you do?

Ideas for how to Christmas this year

• Stay in your jammies the whole day!

• Buy everyone matching jammies and Zoom part of the festivities, or lack there of

• Go for a nice, socially distanced walk

• Try a new recipe

• Bake something. If it doesn’t turn out, throw it in the freezer and save it for “later”

• Challenge yourself to eat anything but traditional holiday food

• Still bake the turkey, stuffing, yams and the whole nine yards but savor it with your immediate family

• Play a new board game as a family

• Have a Marvel, LOTR, Harry Potter or Netflix marathon

• Treat it like any other day off 

• Tackle a home project 

• Cozy up under a blanket and read a book

As you look at this list, you’d realize anything goes, except when you take a risk that could have negative consequences.

Looking forward to 2021 with you

Unlike the magic of a light switch that turns off 2020 and turns on 2021, 2021 will come to us in the way of a dimmer. We’ll wake up to a continuation of what was 2020, but hopefully, we’ll be moving in the right direction. 

Our counselors here at People Bloom wish you a warm, safe and special nonetheless Christmas and New Year’s.

Best,
Ada

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. This Christmas, she will Zoom with her in-laws’ family on Christmas morning, bake onion rings for the first time and watch shows she has cued up on Netflix.

Happy Zoom-giving! How a Pandemic is Forcing us to Shake Things Up

Photo by Element5 Digital on Unsplash

One thing is for sure - this Thanksgiving will look very different than past Thanksgivings. We can’t gather like we normally would. It is partly lonely and sad, but the silver lining is that we’re not forced to spend hours around the table with people we fundamentally disagree with. I mean, we all know that if this was a normal year, the hot topic this holiday season would be how in the heck we’re gonna sit around a table and be civil with relatives after that election. 

Evaluating what matters

This year, we have a chance to reevaluate what really matters in the holiday season. What do we really want out of this holiday? Why do we celebrate it? Inarguably the origins of Thanksgiving was not a festive time for Native Americans. Considering this, what can we do instead during the holidays that feels right, and that we can be whole with?

Since many of us are not gathering anyway, we have time to think about whether we really wanted to gather in the first place, and if so, why and how we want to do it. We have an opportunity to reflect on what our generation (whatever generation you’re in - just go with it) wants out of life. We don’t have to follow certain traditions just because it’s the way we’ve always done them. So this year, let’s come up with a new way to celebrate!

Let’s rebrand Thanksgiving!

What are we really celebrating?

It’s time to question old conventions, create new traditions and break out of old norms. Let’s say we all agree that the holiday itself is a tricky one to condone, historically. Instead of continuing to teach our children the narrative that pilgrims and natives were one big happy family, we can teach them the history of colonialism. And if we want to gather as a family for late November festivities, we can still do that! Almost everyone I know is conflicted about Thanksgiving’s origin story. So let’s discard the illusion of perfect harmony between the colonists and tribes, and create something new to celebrate, not tied to our sordid history. 

Having grown up Jewish and now picking and choosing my favorite parts of the religion to observe, I’m all about picking the best things out of traditions and discarding the old archaic customs that need updating. When we do that with Thanksgiving, the focus of this day for me becomes: celebrate family, be thankful for everything ya got, cuz none of it is guaranteed, and eat well.

Coming up with a new tradition

Does this holiday have to revolve around a history with inherently problematic roots? Hint: no, the answer is no, it does not. Instead, is there a different label you’d want to put on it? If colonialism doesn’t sit well with you, but you still love family, food and thankfulness, then we should be able to have those things without an outdated holiday as the backdrop. This is a fun one to brainstorm with your kids. You can come up with new names for the holiday as a family. This year, the obvious choice and my vote is Zoom-giving!

Ada Pang, one of our clinicians often says, “A publicly recognized holiday in America is just a day on the calendar.” With Thanksgiving, it’s even a different date every year! So, who’s to say it has to be celebrated on Nov 26th this year? If you really miss certain family and friends, do another version of Zoom-giving when it is safe to gather again. Whole turkey might not be available in August, but who’s to say turkey has to be a part of this holiday anyway? Poor bird.

How do you want to do family time?

This year, give yourself permission to not do too much. If you want to forego everything and order takeout and watch Netflix - by all means! But you shouldn’t need a pandemic to be true to yourself. If you were to ponder plans for future holidays - what do you hope to gain from family time? Who do you want to invite? It’s ok to relieve yourself of the pressure to be a super host and accommodate people who test your boundaries.

If from now on, you want to only celebrate No-drama-november with your nuclear family, then can you let yourself do that going forward? Or, if you want to celebrate with your chosen family rather than your family of origin, then Friendsgiving it is - guilt free. Even if you can’t throw out all the traditions in just one year, see if you can renegotiate what you’d like to keep.

As for me, I’m making all the traditional dishes and delivering to relatives - we’ll all eat separately. It means I get to drop by to say hello, do my good deed, but not spend so much time together that we overstay our welcome or get burned out. And then I get to eat in peace. To be honest - I’m a little bit in love with this idea, and am considering doing this every year instead of the traditional big family dinner. It took a pandemic to realize that all those big family dinners did was make me feel claustrophobic. 

If you create new ways to celebrate, what’s the worst that would happen? Who’s to tell you otherwise? Is it expectations? Societal pressure? The patriarchy? Emotional labor camps? The answers are in the questions. You can let go of all of that noise. Or, at least some of that noise.

How do you show gratitude?

In the same way that we say we don’t need some random saint to tell us to show our love for each on Valentine's day, we also don’t need no stinkin’ holiday to tell us to be thankful! Then again, there’s nothing wrong with the reminder to be thankful on a certain day of the year. We can embrace this positive message without the Thanksgiving brand.

What if we made a special effort to show or express gratitude for the new Thanksgiving 2.0? You could keep a gratitude journal, or put notes in your thankfulness jar every day. Write your friends a thank you note just for being a friend. Tell your spouse you love them and what you’re thankful for about them. The list is endless.

Eating well is an ethos of its own

This is the fun one. If you’re a fan of the traditional Thanksgiving feast, you can still gather just as you always did around the table, with turkey, stuffing, and mashed yams with marshmallow goop on top. You don’t have to give anything up if you don’t want to. The new rebranded holiday you come up with can still center on good old fashioned T-G food. But if you do stick to this, make sure it’s what you really want. I imagine there are mothers out there who can’t stand the mush that is Thanksgiving food, but slave away on it anyway as a labor of love. That’s ok, but it’s also ok to mix in new foods you actually love as part of your new customs. Or go nuts - you can decide that from now on, you will celebrate with spaghetti bolognese, garlic bread and some vino. Because...why not? You can create your own path. You do you in other ways. Now do you with the holidays too, and do it wholeheartedly. 

The mantra this year is - question everything and do the things that bring you joy. If nothing else, this pandemic has helped us take a good look at all the motions we go through, and maybe it’s time to consider whether we really need some of those motions. 

Happy Tofurkey day, Friendsgiving, November family fun day, or whatever you want to celebrate to get through the madness that has been 2020! If you need some Zoom-giving debrief, our clinicians are here for you!

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Karen Lenz is the Office Whiz and Insurance Guru at People Bloom Counseling. She writes blog posts as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. She’s going to miss seeing everyone in person this holiday season, but she’s really looking forward to the traditional Thanksgiving food, even all the different forms of colorful mush.